The Infidel

Mahmud Nasir:
Anti-Semite!

Lenny Goldberg:
Islamophobe!

[Mahmud tells Lenny his real name]

Lenny Goldberg:
Solly Shimshillewitz? Why didn't they just call you "Jewe-jew-jew-jew-jew" and be done with it?

Lenny Goldberg:
Listen, Rabbi. My friend has drunk my chicken soup. He's danced like a Cossack in my living room, he told a funny story at a Bar Mitzvah and got a good laugh. I'm a Jew, and my friend is Jewish enough for me.

Rabbi:
[to Mahmud] Come back when you've found a better teacher.

Mahmud Nasir:
And where do I find one of those, eh? Craig's list? Look, Rabbi, I haven't even told my wife and family about this!

Rabbi:
Well perhaps that's where you should start! Now if you don't mind, I've got a dying man's soul to take care of!

Mahmud Nasir:
[to Rashid] Give me one reason that can calm me down about inviting Arshad Al-f***ing Stalin into my family!

Mahmud Nasir:
Americans shouldn't bloody be driving a black cab anyway!

Lenny Goldberg:
A**hole.

Mahmud Nasir:
I'm going to tell my family! I am!

Lenny Goldberg:
You know what? I don't give a f***.

Mahmud Nasir:
Anti-Semite!

Lenny Goldberg:
Islamophobe!

Mahmud Nasir:
That, uh, David Schwimmer. He's, uh, Jewish, isn't he?

Wasif:
He's got enough money to be, boss.

Mahmud Nasir:
Yeah, that's it, Wasif. Yeah, you're right. Rich Jewish wankers.

Wasif:
They're all Jews on American TV. The whole country's run by Jews. It's basically the United States of Israel.

Mahmud Nasir:
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, bloody Jews.

Sharif:
And what about all that? People of the book, aren't they?

Wasif:
People of the chequebook more like.

Mahmud Nasir:
[In Yiddish] When the penis stands in the Barbara Streisand film, then you have a made-up word, and chicken soup dumplings in the penis!

[Long pause. Mahmud closes his eyes. Jews begin roaring with laughter]

[Lenny has parked his cab in Mahmud's reserved space]

Mahmud Nasir:
You've got a real f***ing nerve...

Lenny Goldberg:
I know I should never have rubbed that f***in' lamp.

Mahmud Nasir:
[Surprised] You American?

Lenny Goldberg:
[In Cockney accent] Nah, I'm a... I'm a Cockney sparrow.

Mahmud Nasir:
Come on, move your cab.

Lenny Goldberg:
Beg your pardon? What happened to that famed Islamic politeness?

Mahmud Nasir:
You saw the space was marked! Move your f***ing cab!

Lenny Goldberg:
Look, pal, I've lived here for fifteen years. I'll park wherever I wanna park!

Mahmud Nasir:
Just move it up a bit further up the road, alright!

Lenny Goldberg:
I like that spot. I always park there.

Mahmud Nasir:
Oh, yeah, I get it now. It's a bit like the occupied territories, isn't it?

Lenny Goldberg:
Ah, here it is! Here it comes, the Anti-Semitic stuff, you heard it here first!

Mahmud Nasir:
I'm not being Anti-Semitic.

Lenny Goldberg:
Oh no? What else ya wanna call me, eh? Kyke? Beagle breath? Floor by two? Neo con?

Mahmud Nasir:
Bollocks. I'm not being Anti-Semitic. Yeah? I can't be.

Lenny Goldberg:
Yeah? Why not?

Mahmud Nasir:
Because I'm a f***ing Jew!

[pauses and looks around for listeners]

Mahmud Nasir:
[Whispering] I'm a Jew... sh*t! Don't you dare tell anyone.

Lenny Goldberg:
I'm the shoebomber. Pleasure to meet you.

Mahmud Nasir:
No, listen to me. I've just found out I was adopted by Muslims. My real parents were Jews.

Lenny Goldberg:
[laughing] Why should I believe you?

Mahmud Nasir:
Why the f*** should I make it up?

Lenny Goldberg:
Yeah, good point.

Lenny Goldberg:
I know. Word association.

Mahmud Nasir:
Dah, what are you talking about?

Lenny Goldberg:
Come on, a word association.

Mahmud Nasir:
What for?

Lenny Goldberg:
Car?

Mahmud Nasir:
Volvo.

Lenny Goldberg:
Right on. Happy?

Mahmud Nasir:
Ish.

Lenny Goldberg:
Two outta three. Crystal?

Mahmud Nasir:
Nakht.

Lenny Goldberg:
Hm, even I would have said "palace". Still, I don't believe...

Mahmud Nasir:
No, wait, listen, listen... no listen to me. I real name, or rather my birth name... [Does inverted commas]

Lenny Goldberg:
Please don't do that.

Mahmud Nasir:
...is Solly Shimshillewitz.

Lenny Goldberg:
Solly Shimshillewitz?

Mahmud Nasir:
Now do you believe me?

Lenny Goldberg:
Why didn't they just call you "Jewe-jew-jew-jew-jew" and be done with it?

Mahmud Nasir:
[Irritated] It was nice talking to you. [Walks off]

Lenny Goldberg:
That's almost as Jewy a name as "Izzy Shimshillewitz".

Mahmud Nasir:
What was that?

Lenny Goldberg:
Izzy Shimshillewitz. Used to live around here years ago.

Mahmud Nasir:
There's an Izzy Shimshillewitz? Where is he? Is he still alive? Where is he?

Lenny Goldberg:
F*** knows.

[Mahumd notices someone leave his real father's room, unaware that it is a Rabbi]

Mahmud Nasir:
Dad? [Tries to hug him]

Rabbi:
Ugh! I don't think so. Firstly, you appear to be Muslim.

Mahmud Nasir:
Yes, I'm sorry.

Rabbi:
And secondly, I'm perhaps five years younger than you.

Mahmud Nasir:
Yes, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is Izzy Shimshillewitz in there?

Rabbi:
Yes.

Mahmud Nasir:
Can I go in, please?

Rabbi:
Uh, I'm afraid not.

Mahmud Nasir:
No, you don't understand. I'm his son, I think.

Rabbi:
Do you have some sort of syndrome?

Mahmud Nasir:
No, no, my real parents were Jews. I was adopted. I've just found out my birth name is Shimshillewitz.

Rabbi:
Really? And you're definitely Isaac's son, are you?

Mahmud Nasir:
Yes, yes... well, I must be.

Rabbi:
Look, I'm sorry, but as Mr. Shimshillewitz is Rabbi, I have to think of his welfare first. He's a very sick man, now.

Mahmud Nasir:
Then you have to let me in.

Rabbi:
Look at you! A Muslim son? He's an observant Jew. It'd kill him stone dead.

Mahmud Nasir:
What must I do?

Rabbi:
What do you know about Jews?

Mahmud Nasir:
They've got big noses? They like money... oh, they do. Uh, sportsmen?

Rabbi:
OK, so the answer is nothing. Look, what you have to do, and quickly, is think about what it means to be a Jew, OK? And then we'll think about letting you in. Oh, and by the way, when you thought I was your Dad, sort of a shrivelled old man... was it because of the hairless thing? Because that is genetic. OK?

[Mahmud nods]

Nabi:
Look not what a man has done, but what he hopes to do.

Saamiya:
Who told you that Nabi?

Nabi:
Daddy did.

Mahmud Nasir:
Oh, gimme a break. You find out you're Jewish and then suddenly some bloke in a uniform is leading you away? That's ridiculous.

Gary Page:
I always go to sleep at midnight. It's when I f***ing close my eyes, innit? F*** OFF, YOU F***ING PAKI!

Mahmud Nasir:
Here's the thing about our clerics: some of them really do teach us about the holy Qu'uran, and that's fantastic. Some of them are out there protecting our repressed brothers and sisters. And some of them are beardy-weirdy f***ers who make sh*t up!