The Irate Gamer

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The Irate Gamer:
After doing some research...

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The Irate Gamer:
This really flips my sh*t.

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The Irate Gamer:
Sh*t!

[opening to "History of Video Games" series]

The Irate Gamer:
For over 35 years, video games have played a vital role throughout our history, from Pac-Man to Mario to Sonic the Hedgehog. The industry has managed to produce a legacy that runs deep into our culture. As you'll see in this series, the journey from point A to point B is not as clear-cut as one would expect. And along the way, there were many hardships, rivalries, and cutthroat industry tactics that shaped the industry into what it is today. But in order to tell this interesting saga, we must go back and start at the beginning.

Shadow Overlord:
Now then, is there any news on the Irate Gamer situation?

Evil Gamer:
Well, I'm afraid the situation there is unchanged.

Shadow Overlord:
But I thought you hired thousands of mindless idiots to troll his videos with hate spam.

Evil Gamer:
Well, I did, but let's face it, these idiots are so dumb they can't even make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without ruining it.

Shadow Overlord:
So hard to find good minions these days.

Shadow Overlord:
Evil Gamer, you know what you must do.

Evil Gamer:
Oh yes, Shadow Overlord, I'll infiltrate Irate Gamer's house and steal his one-of-a-kind enhanced Magnavox Odyssey.

The Irate Gamer:
Holy crap, could there be a more annoying mascot?

Kool Aid Man:
[bursting in] Oh yeah!

Evil Gamer:
Just give me that Magnavox Odyssey before I pound you!

The Irate Gamer:
Yeah, right, pal, these things cost over a hundred bucks on eBay. So, get lost.

[slams the door]

Evil Gamer:
Hey, don't you close that door on me. You get back out here and fight like a man, you overgrown piece of crap!

Goro:
[emerging from his room] What! What you call me? [the Evil Gamer stammers and then runs off]

The Irate Gamer:
But trying to locate some of these coins is a major pain in the ass. So until they actually prove to do something useful, like getting you laid, then the hell with 'em.

The Irate Gamer:
This game even has one of those annoying levels where if you accidentally fall off a ledge, you fall all the way back down to the beginning of the level, and you'll have to waste your time climbing back up again.

The Irate Gamer:
Can I help you?

Evil Gamer:
[incognito] Hey, buddy, did you hear the good news? They're giving away free Xboxes outside.

The Irate Gamer:
Really? Aw, sweet! [runs off]

Evil Gamer:
Ha. That was too easy. What a sucker.

The Irate Gamer:
I don't see no Xboxes out here.

The Irate Gamer:
Hey, Wilkins, say, you see anybody giving away Xboxes out here?

Wilkins:
Nope, can't say I have.

The Irate Gamer:
You know what? I think I've been hornswoggled.

Wilkins:
I'd say so there, neighbor.

The Irate Gamer:
That's weird, why's there a teddy bear sitting here? [picks it up, turns into a statue, ala Mario's Tanookie suit]

Evil Gamer:
[walks by carrying stolen Odyssey] Ha ha, sucker.

The Irate Gamer:
[turns back] What the hell? What just happened?

Wilkins:
I think it's time for my medication.

The Irate Gamer:
Why do game developers keep on making these stupid levels? I hate 'em, you hate 'em, everybody freakin' hates 'em. So for God sake, man, stop making 'em!

The Irate Gamer:
[there's a knock at the door] I can just tell it's gonna be one of those days.

Delivery Guy:
I have a package here for Chris "The Irate Gamer".

The Irate Gamer:
[takes package] Aw sweet, I've been waitng for this. Thanks. [shuts the door]

Delivery Guy:
Hey buddy, that's a C.O.D. You still owe me forty bucks!

The Irate Gamer:
What the hell? A box full of 7up games? No! No! NO!

The Irate Gamer:
[playing Spot: The Video Game] Wait a minute. What the hell is this? This isn't a video game. In fact, it's more like a rehashed version of the board game Othello, which, coincidentally enough, they also made a video game out of. Boy, talk about a stupid idea.

[shows off both the regular Othello board game, priced at $9.99, and the video game version, at $29.99]

The Irate Gamer:
Picking up the board game will cost you three times less.

The Irate Gamer:
Let's just move on to the second game called "Spot: The Cool Adventure". [plays the game] Yeah, now this is more like it. This was the kind of side-scrolling action I was talking about. But if you're also expecting a cool adventure like the title implies, you'll be quickly disappointed. Throughout the game, your player can only do two things: pick up blocks to throw at enemies and collect these little Spot coins. I'm not even sure why we're even collecting these in the first place. Now, if you happen to die at any point in the level, you'll have to go back and restart from the very beginning. Bummer.

Evil Gamer:
Master, wake up. I have good news to report.

Shadow Overlord:
Ah, yes, the Evil Gamer, my loyal subject. Please lighten me.

Evil Gamer:
Well, I'm happy to tell you that we're one step closer to finding the missing artifact.

Shadow Overlord:
Ah, this is excellent news. I grow tired of waiting to be released from this mirrored prison. And once I do, I will take over this miserable planet.

The Wise Sage:
Time to get drunk and find me some b*tches.

Genie:
Well don't take too long. My rug is double parked outside.

The Irate Gamer:
Aladdin for the Super Nintendo is your basic run of the mill video game that was adapted from the movie.

The Irate Gamer:
I don't know who thought of such a retarded idea, but it makes about as much sense as taking a sh*t on a bunch of apples and calling it apple dumplings.

The Irate Gamer:
What a lazy b*tch-ass monkey f***.

The Irate Gamer:
Somebody call 911 because I was R.O.B'ed.

The Irate Gamer:
It's here that we get to jump on Genie's head, Genie's hands, and Genie's balls.

The Wise Sage:
What's all the racket in here? [looks up] A snake! [the snake crushes him, killing him again and turning him back into a ghost] Aw sh*t!

The Wise Sage:
That does it. This genie has caused us nothing but trouble. Genie, for my last wish, I wish we'd never met you.

Genie:
What?

The Irate Gamer:
Where did you buy such a stupid map anyway?

The Wise Sage:
I bought if off some guy back in the city we were in. He said it would lead to a secret cave full of lost treasure too.

The Irate Gamer:
A secret cave full of lost treasure?

The Wise Sage:
Yeah, that's the main reason I bought it.

The Irate Gamer:
You know, for being a wise sage, you sure do have your fair share of dumb-ass attacks.

Genie:
You rubbed the magic game and I granted your first wish, now you have TWO remaining.

The Wise Sage:
For my first wish... I wish to be alive again.

The Wise Sage:
Maybe I'll go watch Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I just bought the first season on DVD.

The Irate Gamer:
Now throughout the game, you'll be seeing two kinds of jewels. Green ones and red ones. The green ones you can grab with no effort at all, but the red ones on the other hand require you to be some kind of Dick Grayson acrobatic a**hole just to get close to one.

The Irate Gamer:
The only thing you have to defend yourself in this game are APPLES. So that's it? That's the best they could do?

The Irate Gamer:
[about collecting the rubies] But if you expect to score a kick-ass prize for finishing this ungodly task, then get ready to blow a f***ing gasket, because the only prize you'll be receiving is alternate end credits. So that's it? I did all that work for this? Well what a piece of sh*t. I wipe my ass with your alternate credits. I think a better prize would be the option to play the game as another character, like Abu or Jafar.

The Wise Sage:
Genie, for my second wish... I wish to be alive again.

Genie:
They can't get rid of me that easily. [sees Game Genie cartridge] Maybe I'll hide in here.

The Irate Gamer:
And although this game is not as bad as it could have been, it does contain a few things that just piss me off!

Satan:
[a stack of Aladdin sprites keeps piling up] Where the hell are these things coming from?

The Irate Gamer:
Anything you touch in this level will instantly kill your ass. Touch the ceiling, you die. Touch the ground, you die. Touch the lava, you die. If you even think about touching anything in this level, you will DIE.

The Irate Gamer:
[lost in the middle of the desert] That's it, we're getting the hell out of here. Time to go home.

The Irate Gamer:
[he and the Wise Sage are lost in the desert; looks down] Wait a minute, what's this? [picks up a cartridge of "Aladdin" for the SNES]

The Wise Sage:
[rubbing his chin] A video game. What's that doing way out here?

The Irate Gamer:
[rubbing the cartridge with his arm] I don't know and I don't care. I'm hot, I'm tired and I'm sick of looking at nothing but desert for miles and miles. I just wish that we were back home, sitting back, relaxing... [suddenly, Chris and the Sage are magically transported back to Chris' home] What the hell? [looks around] How did we get back here? [suddenly, a genie emerges from the game cartridge]

Genie:
[stretching his arms] Oh, yes, it's because you wished it.

The Irate Gamer:
Whoa, a genie!

Genie:
Yes, I am indeed a genie. You rubbed the magic game and I granted your first wish. Now you have two remaining.

The Irate Gamer:
It makes every movie Mariah Carey was in look like a f***ing masterpiece.

The Irate Gamer:
I wish I could go back in time to prevent this game from ever existing... Hey, now there's an idea. I think I'll do just that. [gets in his car, drives away; gets up to 88mph and disappears in a flash of light]

Cauldwell:
[in 1987; on phone] Ha ha ha. You tell Mr. Silvestri I'll handle all the Back to the Future games.

Secretary:
Mr. Cauldwell?

Cauldwell:
Yes, Bernice?

Secretary:
Sorry to disturb you, but there's a young man wishing to speak to you.

Cauldwell:
Oh, well go ahead and send him in.

The Irate Gamer:
[enters] You're just the guy I'm looking for. [shoots him with NES Zapper] Well, looks like I saved the day. What the hell? [notices he's starting to disappear] Oh sh*t! I altered the timeline. I don't exist in this timeline. NOO! [disappears]

The Irate Gamer:
Without cheating, I don't know how this is not possible.

The Irate Gamer:
You'd think Marty stumbled across a bees nest or something. I mean, where did all these bees come from? Back to the Future Part 0: Marty vs. The Bees?

The Irate Gamer:
It becomes a sh*t storm of BIFFS!

The Irate Gamer:
Man, this game SUCKS! Why couldn't they make a cool game like Back to the Future? It was a cool movie, I don't see how they could f*** something like that up. Stupid games.

The Irate Gamer:
Now it's time to pop this video game in and play the game.

The Irate Gamer:
And when you're playing this game, you're gonna see all kinds of crazy sh*t. Like, what game designer thought it would be a good idea to place a clock over here? Does he really expect me to have some sort of disturbing death wish? [runs into fence] F***!

The Irate Gamer:
I'll bet the idiot who designed this game has some kind of sick, perverted pleasure knowing that people are playing this game, getting pissed off, and he sits back and laughs his ass off.

The Irate Gamer:
With the board set up the way it is, you have to first line up your shots just perfectly, or else they'll miss the target completely.

The Irate Gamer:
But do you know how many you have to hit before advancing? 50. I can't even get half that, and they expect me to hit 50? Who the f*** was designing this thing? There's not even 50 stages in the game Super Mario Bros. There's not even 50 weapons in The Legend of Zelda. And there's not even 50 stage bosses in the games Mega Man I through VI combined. So why the hell do you need to hit 50 of them in order to advance? It's just utter complete bullshit.

The Irate Gamer:
Face it, breakfast is ruined.

The Irate Gamer:
Who could forget that catchy jingle: pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, blue diamonds and purple horseshoes. Well where the hell are they now? Instead I gotta settle for marshmallows in the shapes of rainbows, pots of gold, and f***ing hats.

The Irate Gamer:
I remember when they added the purple horseshoes to the mix in 1984 to complete the rainbow of colors. For a kid like me, this was a really big deal.

The Irate Gamer:
The bakers' names were Wendell, Bob and Quello. Quello? What the hell kind of a name is Quello?

The Irate Gamer:
Okay, now just wait a minute here. There are aliens in this game? What the sh*t? I thought I was fighting a terrorist war, now I'm fighting an alien war?

The Irate Gamer:
It might also be a good idea to have a second player helping you out. I'll just get one of my friends to play. Hey, guys? [shows stills of an empty hallway and a deserted office] Hello? Anyone? Maybe I should get some friends first.

The Irate Gamer:
So why am I even fighting here? I guess there could be an explanation in the instructional manual, but the hell with that. Who ever reads those things anyway? I can't waste my time reading about a game, I just gotta play it!

The Wise Sage:
Use the code, Luke.

The Irate Gamer:
[entering 30-life code] Alright, let's do this. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start! Yes! [nothing happens] Whoops, I should probably switch to the start up screen first.

The Irate Gamer:
The guns. The guns were just awesome. Machine guns, laser guns, spray guns, guns I don't even know the name of. Hell yeah! [cuts to a shot of IG superimposed over a scene in Contra firing a gun] Yeah, take that, you b*tches!

The Irate Gamer:
Now, it's pretty obvious that the military decided to send some troops in to defeat the bad guys. But whose bright idea was it to send in only two men into enemy territory and face a sh*t storm of rogue terrorists by themselves? Just who the hell is commanding this operation? Gomer Pyle? Well, gaw-lee!

The Irate Gamer:
Dammit. What the hell, man? Cut it out.

The Wise Sage:
Shut your pie hole, slowpoke.

The Irate Gamer:
Once you arrive at the final level, you'll find yourself in the aliens' hideout. There, you'll encounter a huge enemy that looks like something out of the movie Alien.

The Irate Gamer:
Upon starting the game, we're greeted with a pixellated E.T. head with the goofiest smile you ever saw. Now I'm not really sure what a sh*t-eating grin looks like, but if I had to guess, this'd be it.

The Irate Gamer:
What's this, a flower? I don't want that sh*t. Just give me a damn telephone piece!

The Irate Gamer:
Well mother-sucker-double-f***er! Your ass is grass now, buddy!

The Irate Gamer:
Back in July of 1982, Atari struck a deal with Steven Spielberg to produce an E.T. video game. It may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but the demands of this partnership would end up causing the game to be labeled as the worst video game in history. First off, the Spielberg contract called for to the game to be released by Christmas, which only gave programmers six weeks to complete the entire game. Secondly, they were also required to produce five million copies. Well, this just turned out to be a recipe for disaster, since Atari games usually need three to four months to complete, and the normal production run was around 300,000 copies. Yikes.

The Irate Gamer:
After the start-up screen, E.T. must travel around the landscape in order to find three telephone pieces so that you can phone home and win the game. Now, the only way to find these pieces are by falling into these holes, which end up covering almost half the damn screen. In fact, there are so many of these things, I can't even take two steps without accidentally falling into one of these f***ers.

The Irate Gamer:
Now, as if that wasn't frustrating enough, you also have to worry about avoiding these FBI agents. These a**holes appear out of nowhere and take telephone pieces that you've already collected away from you. What a dick!

The Irate Gamer:
Even though dropping down is easy enough, trying to get out becomes harder than pulling a rabbit out of your ass. [after getting out of a hole, E.T. falls back down; the Gamer groans] The worst thing about this method is when you reach the top, most of the time, you'll fall right back down again. [E.T. gets out of hole, but falls back down again] Damn it! [E.T. gets out of hole, but falls back down again] Sh*t! [E.T. gets out of hole, but falls back down again] Oh, come on! [E.T. gets out of hole, but falls back down again] Ah, f*** you and your hole!

The Irate Gamer:
Aside from dealing with FBI agents, you also have to deal with this annoying scientist b*tch. If she catches you, she'll drag your ass back to the lab and pull you way off course.

The Irate Gamer:
The game E.T. ended up taking such a beating from gamers that no one even dared touch the franchise with a 20-foot pole.

The Irate Gamer:
Now if this game sounds like a piece of sh*t already, that's because it is.

The Irate Gamer:
Don't let any of them catch you either, or else they'll make you give them a blow job. Sick bastards.

The Irate Gamer:
Common sense really has no place here, and I can tell that from all the P and poop found in this game. I mean, hell, they even included a toilet. What do they expect me to do here, wipe my ass?

The Irate Gamer:
Well, as long as he's on his way down to Hell, can he at least take the movie "Wicker Man", starring Nicolas Cage, along down with him? That movie was the biggest piece of sh*t I ever saw.

The Irate Gamer:
Another annoying thing is these annoying floating eyeball platforms.

The Irate Gamer:
When the game begins, you take control of the main character which is named Arthur.

[the Gamer complained about the game's actual ending that is bad]

Satan:
[laughs] You can't even enjoy your victory! [laughs again, then coughs] I must quit smoking.

The Irate Gamer:
When you think of one of the most hardest games for the NES, I guarantee you that "Ghosts N Goblins" is probably on your top five list. If not, then it's time to make some room, because we're busting this game wide open.

The Irate Gamer:
Now, the first time you get hit, your armor will fall apart, leaving you to defend yourself in your tighty-whiteys. Your only chance now is to hope that these demons will take one look at you and double over from laughter. But I assure you, this game is no laughing matter. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

The Irate Gamer:
So after defeating the game twice, we finally reach the end. [the screen displays the words: "Congratulation. This story is happy end"] Wait just a damn minute here! "This story is happy end"? Happy end? Are you kidding me? Are you telling me that somebody forgot to proofread this thing? I mean, this should read, "This story is *a* happy end*ing*". And I'm pretty sure "Congratulations" has an "S" at the end. And with only four parts of this game requiring text, how the f*** does this even happen?

The Irate Gamer:
Now, each time you start a new life, the screen will side-scroll past every level that lies ahead, as if to mock you.

Satan:
[laughs evilly] Face it, Arthur, you'll never get this far! [flips the bird and laughs again, then coughs] Excuse me.

The Irate Gamer:
Now, before playing the game, you're shown some backstory. And it turns out to be the same classic romantic tale of guy and girl fall in love, guy and girl go out for a picnic... girl then gets kidnapped by the devil? And takes her back down to Hell with him? Whew! This is some heavy sh*t.

The Irate Gamer:
Another thing I don't understand is that sometimes, enemies will drop little bear statues that give you points. Points? Is that really necessary? For God sake, I've gotta worry about zombies, bats, demons, warlocks that'll turn you into a frog, demon knights, plants, dragons, ogres, ghosts, goblins, Rancors, skeletons, and they want me to worry about some f***ing point system, too? How the hell is that gonna matter once you save the princess? It won't! So f*** the point system!

The Irate Gamer:
I'm really wondering what kind of age group this game was intended for, because if I can't get this far, how is a young kid gonna do any better? Well, that's why I invited my little cousin Joey over to see what he thinks of this game. [looks to his left and sees Cousin Joey playing the game] How are you doing, Joey?

Cousin Joey:
I like games! I like games! [game starts] Ghosts N Goblins, Ghosts N Goblins... [starts playing] Okay... [tries to play the game, but the character gets killed each time; Joey gets more and more disappointed at this] I don't like this game. This game sucks.

The Irate Gamer:
Well, thanks, Joey.

The Irate Gamer:
What a shitload of sh*t.

The Irate Gamer:
Ah, Goonies II. This is a game I remember fondly playing when I was only about 8 years old. I loved the movie so much I had to rush out and buy the video game. But as much as I loved the movie, I just had the exact opposite reaction towards this game.

The Irate Gamer:
What's worse than having to play your video games out of order? I mean, who in their right mind would play Castlevania III before Castlevania I? The very thought of doing such a thing is just sickening... and I think it's punishable by death in some countries.

The Irate Gamer:
So maybe, just maybe there's a third option to this enigma: maybe someone just royally f***ed up the numbering system on this game. I mean this could be the same exact thing that happened to the Donkey Kong video games. Allow me to explain: first, there was the popular Donkey Kong video game, which became an instant classic. Then, after that, Donkey Kong Jr. came out, this time you played as Donkey Kong's son. Then a few years later, out of nowhere, comes Donkey Kong 3. How did this happen? Just what the hell happened to Donkey Kong 2? So, are we just picking numbers at random here or is Donkey Kong Jr. supposed to be the missing link here? If that's the case, then why aren't we calling 'Donkey Kong Jr.' Donkey Kong 2? It would make much more sense than skipping directly from number 1 to number 3. In the long run, doing this kind of sh*t just messes everything up and confuses everybody in the process.

The Irate Gamer:
How come it always seems like we're getting f***ed in the ass when it comes to game selection here in America?

The Irate Gamer:
[reading character's dialogue] 'You're braver than Brand'? What the f*** is that supposed to mean? I can honestly say I've never heard this expression used in my entire life. Oh, this game pisses me off.

The Irate Gamer:
Half the time, they don't even make no sense at all.

The Irate Gamer:
What did she just say? 'What do you do?' That doesn't make any sense. I can't even take any pleasure in beating her up because some a**hole forgot to proofread this game.

The Irate Gamer:
So after saving Annie, we find out that she's not even a Goonie at all, but a mermaid. Boy, who's stupid f***ing idea was this? This ending makes no sense whatsoever.

The Irate Gamer:
It would be more enjoyable to rip the hair out of my ass than to play this game.

The Irate Gamer:
Now, "Goonies II" is a very hard game to play. No, let me rephrase that: "Goonies II" is a very hard game to *figure out*. First of all, there are no stages or levels to advance, and you just have to wander around aimlessly collecting items and trying to figure out where you can use them.

The Irate Gamer:
How come this sort of thing never happens to Captain Kirk?

The Irate Gamer:
[talking about "Spacewar"] Aside from avoiding the other players' attacks, you also have to worry about this small dot in the center of the screen, which represents the sun, and if you accidentally touch it, you die! The sun also has its own gravitational pull, so if you travel too close to it, you'll get sucked in and killed! What a b*tch.

The Irate Gamer:
Now today, these rifles are very rare, very costly, and super hard to find. One would probably have to sell their soul just to even get their hands on one.

Satan:
[appears] Well, well, it would seem I finally have the upper hand. I will gladly sell you a light rifle for your soul!

The Irate Gamer:
Um, sorry, Satan. Actually, I already have one.

Satan:
What? Well motherf***er! [leaves]

The Irate Gamer:
Alright, time to kill us some Nazis!

The Irate Gamer:
[playing "Skiing" on the Magnavox Odyssey] Not only is this game terrible, but it's also a good example of how Magnavox might've been trying to market the Odyssey as more of a board game rather than a video game. If you look closely at this overlay, you'll see that it's just like playing a retarded version of Candy Land. But instead of candy, we get a white blob of crap. Instead of Peppermint Forest, we get Boring Ass Crap Forest. And instead of Gumdrop Mountain, we get Green Turd Mountain. What a poor substitute for Candy Land greatness.

The Irate Gamer:
Now, I'm not sure why the hell Magnavox even released so many Pong consoles, but in hindsight, this may not be as crazy as it sounds, because by year's end, there were almost 75 other companies offloading the market with their own Pong consoles. Wow. That's a lotta f***ing Pong.

The Irate Gamer:
During the first half of 1975, the video game maker Atari was busy cranking out more arcade titles like Pursuit, Anti-Aircraft and the sequel to the hit Tank game called Tank II. They even released a shark hunting game called Jaws in order to capitalize on the hit movie released around the same time. And here's a fast fact: Atari released the game under a pseudo-company called Horror Games, and they did this just in case any legal troubles arose.

The Irate Gamer:
Welcome back to another edition of Tool Time. I'm your host, Chris "The Irate Gamer" and with me as always is Tony Borland.

Tony Lawler:
Bangalang!

The Irate Gamer:
Today, we're looking at the game Home Improvement, which is said to be an ungodly piece of sh*t. What do you say, Tony? Wanna try this one out?

Tony Lawler:
I don't think so, Chris. [leaves screen; sounds of car driving away]

The Irate Gamer:
Fine, I don't need you! I'll just do this review by myself!

The Irate Gamer:
So when the game actually begins, you start off by walking out of the studio and into a jungle? Okay, hold on. Just wait a minute here. A jungle? What the hell does this have to do with anything? The title of this game is Home Improvement, not Jungle Improvement.

The Irate Gamer:
Let's just go ahead and check out my weapons. Oh, yeah, household power tools! We have a nail gun, a hammer, a grappling hook which comes in handy when building those birdhouses, and the Binford 7500 Pro Series jackhammer, which can drill a two-foot hole into a cow's anus in less than 2.5 seconds. [a cow is heard mooing]

The Irate Gamer:
So instead of getting an instruction manual, we get this: a piece of paper that's not even worth wiping your ass with. So who's the b*tch-ass cockadillo that decided not to include any instructions? I can't even figure out how to fire off the nail gun without the f***ing nails shooting up in the air.

The Irate Gamer:
Wilson, I have no idea what the f*** you're even talking about.

The Irate Gamer:
So once your life is restored, it's back to the game.

The Irate Gamer:
What a bunch of ball slapping sh*t!

The Irate Gamer:
Man, this game is fustrating as well. I think it's time to consult the Game Genie codebook. Let's see here, "Home Alone", "Hook"... there's no "Home Improvement"? So there are no codes for this game?

The Irate Gamer:
Deep frying my own sh*t makes more sense than this game.

The Irate Gamer:
So the first thing that pops up is the intro, a very, very long intro. So, in a nutshell, top secret power tools have been stolen from the studio and now it's your job to find them. Why they can't say this in less than fifty screens of dialog is way beyond me.

The Irate Gamer:
[complaining about the jungle level] Oh, but wait a minute. If you actually read through the 50 pages of dialog, it says we should start looking for the missing tools in the other studios. Oh, I see. So this is the magical phrase that's supposed to solve everything and keep me from getting pissed off? Bullshit! I'm pissed off already!

The Irate Gamer:
Why is someone like Indiana Jones such a push over against little spiders? If this game was called Rick Moranis and the Temple of Doom, I could understand, but Harrison Ford? Come on.

The Irate Gamer:
Temple of Doom? More like Temple of Dung.

The Irate Gamer:
Exactly how the hell do I change my weapons out? If you do press the select button, the menu screen will pop up, showing your inventory. And yep, sure enough, there's both the gun and the sword I collected. But if you press any of the other buttons on the inventory screen, it doesn't do anything, either. In any normal game, this would've been a perfect point to switch out your weapons. Let's take the game "Legend of Zelda". If you want to select a different weapon or tool, you just go to your inventory screen and select it. And when you do this, it also pauses the game so you don't get hurt. And the method is so easy, even a McKid could do it.

The Irate Gamer:
[on the game's looping levels] It's like the old Flintstones cartoons, where the background is looped over and over, only this time, you're living this nightmare and there's no way to escape it.

The Irate Gamer:
[falsetto voice] Toasty!

The Irate Gamer:
You know what? I don't give a sh*t. F*** the hat.

The Irate Gamer:
Now, you end up playing the game as Indiana Jones, but the weird thing is they just throw you into the game. They start you out with no story, no mission objective, nothing. In fact, the only worthwhile thing for you to do is to go through these little caves and little kids will end up giving you items to collect.

The Irate Gamer:
Time to batton the hatches. Full steam ahead. Right, Captain?

Sea Captain:
Arr, me mateys.

The Irate Gamer:
So wait a minute, is this supposed to be a marina or a hooker?

The Irate Gamer:
This game is about as boring as going fishing, and I'm not talking about real fishing, I'm talking about Black Bass Fishing. [holds up game cartridge] This is another game that pretty much sucks monkey ass.

The Irate Gamer:
[repeatedly stabbing Jaws with boat] This is for Jaws 2. [stabs again] And Jaws 3. [stabs again] And Superman IV... oops, kinda got carried away there.

The Irate Gamer:
Jaws looks like a little shrinky-dink.

The Irate Gamer:
Now while you're out at sea... Uh oh, looks like we hit something. Time to go down and find out exactly what. After diving into the ocean, we find absolutely nothing. Just what the hell did we hit? All I see are jellyfish and stingrays. So that can only mean that the game pretty much lied to us in order to get us down here. You dick!

The Irate Gamer:
[playing Black Bass Fishing] The entire point of this game is to cast out your fishing lure in hopes that you snag a fish. Now every once in a while, a fish will come by, but then it leaves just as fast as it f***ing came. Come on, come on, ah! Come on, fish. F***! This game is terrible. How is there a market for these shitty games? Just get your lazy ass out of the house and do some real fishing! Ah, but look who's talking.

The Irate Gamer:
So at last Jaws is dead and the ocean is safe once again... well, at least until an Exxon tanker decides to drop by.

The Irate Gamer:
[shoots the dog from Duck Hunt] I always hated that dog.

The Irate Gamer:
And the worst part is, they don't even give you the option to dive down or not. They actually force you into the water. I mean, face it, at this very moment, you are this game's b*tch. What if I don't want to dive into the ocean again? Or what if I always end up with a bad case of swimmer's ear? God, this game just flips my sh*t!

The Irate Gamer:
Although this movie may have been great, this game is terrible and should be placed at the bottom of a turd mountain.

The Irate Gamer:
After you kill enough enemies, then it's back to your ship. And your objective now is to reach this other marina. But to do that, you need to have collected five shells. If you don't have them, they tell you to f*** off and that you can't dock in their port.

[repeated line]

Kool Aid Man:
Oh yeah!

Kool Aid Man:
[bursting through the wall once again] Oh yeah!

Irate Gamer:
Dammit, Kool-Aid Man, what the hell!

Kool Aid Man:
Oh yeah.

Irate Gamer:
Oh, that's it, Kool-Aid Man. You jumped through your last hole, buddy. [holds up a jug dispenser nozzle]

Kool Aid Man:
Oh no.

Irate Gamer:
Time to get me some Kool-Aid. [advances on the Kool-Aid Man]

Kool Aid Man:
Oh no, oh no, oh no!

Irate Gamer:
Well that's it, Kool Aid Man, you bust in here one more time and your days are numbered, pal.

Kool Aid Man:
Okay.

Irate Gamer:
How come these things always happen on MY show?

Announcer:
And now back to Ronnie the Skeleton's Christmas Special.

Ronnie the Skeleton:
Oh, oh, it's snowing. I can't believe it. It's a regular Christmas miracle.

Irate Gamer:
Boy, I love this show.

Irate Gamer:
Now there were two different Kool-Aid games that were made. One for the Atari, and one for the Intellivision. Now since both these games are completely different from each other, for this review, we'll be looking at both.

Irate Gamer:
Okay, so after that nostalgia intro, the game begins, and you get to play as Kool-Aid Man.

Irate Gamer:
Now the enemies in this game are colored balls that fly back and forth across the screen, and depending on where they're released determines their color. In this row we find red balls. In this row, orange balls. In this row, we only find blue balls. So guys, you might wanna avoid this row.

Irate Gamer:
[voice over] Because if you can't make Kool-Aid under ten minutes in real life, then it's pretty much game over for you too, pal.

Irate Gamer:
[tries making Kool-Aid and the ten minute timer runs out when he's half way done] Dammit!

Irate Gamer:
Periodically, letters will randomly fly across the screen.

Kool Aid Man:
[bursts through wall] Oh yeah!

Irate Gamer:
Goddammit, Kool Aid Man again?

Kool Aid Man:
Oh yeah!

Irate Gamer:
Don't you realize I have a door?

Kool Aid Man:
[looks over at door] Oh yeah.

Irate Gamer:
Just get the hell out of my house.

Kool Aid Man:
Okay.

[repeated line]

Irate Gamer:
Oh yeah!

Irate Gamer:
[playing the Atari Kool-Aid Man game] Now, the first thing we see in this game is the familiar scene of Kool-Aid Man bursting through the wall. This is a very nice touch, because what could be cooler than that?

Kool Aid Man:
[suddenly bursting through the Gamer's wall] Oh yeah!

Irate Gamer:
[shocked] Kool-Aid Man?

Kool Aid Man:
Oh yeah.

Irate Gamer:
What the hell? That's my wall you just destroyed!

Kool Aid Man:
[looks at the hole he made, puzzled] Oh yeah!

Irate Gamer:
Dammit, Kool-Aid Man, I'm in the middle of a game review! Get the hell outta here!

Kool Aid Man:
Okay. [leaves]

Irate Gamer:
So after the Kool-Aid Man smashes his way into the game, your job now is to hunt down the Thirsties that were chasing after the kids. Once you found them both, your mission is over and you get to advance to the next level. Now you get the pleasure of doing it all over again; again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again, until you lose your mind from making Kool-Aid. Boy, I'm starting to get sick of this game.

The Irate Gamer:
What the f*** is a muscle?

Tony:
Banalbang!

The Irate Gamer:
So what do you think of this game?

Tony:
It's terrible. I wipe my ass with it. Banalbang!

[repeated line]

Tony:
Banalbang!

The Irate Gamer:
What the f***? Are those guys getting blowj*bs? I thought this was supposed to be a kids' game.

Tony:
Whoa, now that's just wrong, brother.

The Irate Gamer:
This game is the dumbest, most vile, repulsive, anal-raping, feacle-flinging, ass-ramming, toe-jerking, vomit-inducing piece of sh*t I've ever played in my life!

The Irate Gamer:
Who on earth decided to bring over toys and video games based off a cartoon that we weren't even able to watch? Who's brilliant idea was this? And did anybody get fired because of it? If not, I may have to go back in time again and take care of business.

The Irate Gamer:
So after picking your fighter and beginning, it's all pretty much down hill from here. The only thing you can do in the ring is punch, jump, slam and... well, that's pretty much it. The rest of the time you just hop around like idiots trying to land a blow. There are no special moves, no combo moves, in fact the only move I wanna make is to the restroom so I can flush this piece of crap down the toilet with the rest of my sh*t.

Chris Ross:
Looks like a slobber-knocker here, folks.

The Irate Gamer:
Yeah, brick that sh*t up, Mario.

The Irate Gamer:
Just what the hell is this, a Koopa Bool?

The Irate Gamer:
But before you can go in, you're given a pop quiz on all the information you should have been reading about throughout the game. I mean, you did remember to read all this stuff, right? Well sh*t, me neither.

The Irate Gamer:
Ronnie, I don't have time for your crap today. Get the hell out of here.

Ronnie the Skeleton:
Oy vey, what a grouch.

The Irate Gamer:
Here comes that stupid bird again. Why you little sh*t, I got a bird of my own for ya. [gives the finger]

The Irate Gamer:
I guess I'll review Mario is Missing. Okay, so the story is Mario's been kidnapped, so in this game, you'll be playing as Luigi.

The Irate Gamer:
You'll quickly learn by talking to the townspeople that the city is overrun with Koopa turtles.

The Irate Gamer:
So after returning to the main area and choosing another door, you'll arrive in a brand new city and your long and boring search for three more items starts all over again. Well, you lucky bastard.

The Irate Gamer:
Now this game has a total of 14 boring-as-sh*t levels to explore. So if you manage not to hang yourself by the end of this game, then consider yourself a winner.

The Irate Gamer:
So after going back and killing a shitload more of these turtles, they drop a sledgehammer. Hey, now I definitely know where this one goes. In the 1980s, Peter Gabriel did have a hit song called Sledgehammer. So 1989, here we come. Let's see if it works. Hot damn, another success!

[repeated line]

The Irate Gamer:
Now I only have time to review one of these games, so which should it be? Now I'm sure that reviewing either of these games will effect the outcome of my day, so I should probably choose wisely.

The Irate Gamer:
Hey, there's another one... what the hell? Did I just walk through him? What kind of bullshit game is this? Sure, you can bash their brains in all you want, but they won't be able to do a damn thing about it. So wait a minute... this game pretty much gives you diplomatic immunity. Sweet! Hey, maybe I can get away with pissing on public property.

The Irate Gamer:
Now what I find odd at this point is that the receptionist doesn't take the item back right away. Instead, she'll just sit there and ask you a bunch of questions. What the hell do you think this is, lady? The Spanish Inquisition? Just take back the damn item already.

The Irate Gamer:
God, this game sucks. I shoulda just picked the other game.

The Irate Gamer:
So after you've defeated this set of turtles, one of them will drop an apple. So this probably belongs in the time of Sir Isaac Newton. At the end of this level, we come to a huge tree, so the only thing to do now is drop off the item... wrong location? Son of a b*tch! And now the game b*tch-slaps ya by having a little bird fly across the screen and take the item away from you. What a dick!

The Irate Gamer:
So now you have no choice but to head back to your time machine, reenter the same door, kill three more turtles, grab the dropped item, hop your happy ass back into the time machine, go back to the level, and head back to the tree. Whew! I thought this game was supposed to be fun. Yeah, I'm having a real party over here. So where am I supposed to put this apple? They don't really expect me to put it in the tree, do they? [places it, wins level] You motherf***ers! I hate this game.

Ronnie the Skeleton:
Oh, you're playing a Mario game. Mind if I watch?

The Irate Gamer:
Well if you don't mind being bored to tears, be my guest.

Ronnie the Skeleton:
Oh, this'll be great.

The Irate Gamer:
So after you beat this stupid thing, you'll be able to free Mario from his prison, and you'll get a screen that just says "Thank You"? Oh come on, this is all I get? You gotta be shittin' me. I played this game for over 3 hours! So Mario is Missing... is a piece of sh*t.

The Irate Gamer:
So after defeating him, because you WILL defeat him... you get to free your pal Yoshi. Wait a minute, how the hell did Yoshi get captured in the first place? I thought this bozo was outside waiting for me after dropping me off at the beginning of the game. What the hell? So Mario's Time Machine... is a piece of sh*t.

The Irate Gamer:
So after defeating all three turtles and picking up the item they leave behind, it's time to head over to your time machine and figure out which time period the item belongs to. So since we've picked up a torch, odds are it came from Ancient Greece. In each time period, your mission objective is to return the item from the area it was stolen. And figuring this out should be pretty simple. I mean, torch, torch stand... Yeah, that's a no-brainer. So after you successfully return the item, the day is saved.

The Irate Gamer:
Well same to you, Sir Isaac A**hole! Who knew that Sir Isaac Newton was such a dick?

The Irate Gamer:
What's this guy want? [text box appears that says "give me your wallet"] Give me your wallet? Those damn banditos.

The Irate Gamer:
Answer them wrong and she'll get all pissy. Fine, you stupid b*tch, I'll just keep the stupid item. Hell, I always wanted the Westminster Abbey anyway.

The Irate Gamer:
What the hell is that smell?

Ronnie the Skeleton:
Huh. Smells like a gas leak. I'll go fix it.

The Irate Gamer:
Thanks, Ronnie. It's a good thing he was here.

The Irate Gamer:
[reading question] Who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello or Splinter? Okay, you know what? That's probably the most amusing thing you'll find in this entire game.

Ronnie the Skeleton:
Well there you go, I fixed the gas leak for you.

The Irate Gamer:
Already? Boy that was quick.

Ronnie the Skeleton:
Yeah, well, I'm a quick worker.

The Irate Gamer:
Wow. Well thanks, Ronnie, you probably saved my life.

Ronnie the Skeleton:
Yeah, I know, just wait until you get my bill.

The Irate Gamer:
[pause] What?

The Irate Gamer:
Because in order to advance in the level, you're required to fill in the blanks in your history book first. Now in any other game, you would have the option of picking the answer from four choices, not four-f***ing-hundred! Holy sh*t! There's really no reason for this.

Ronnie the Skeleton:
Boy that looks fun. I'd love to travel to all those places.

The Irate Gamer:
Yeah, I'd definitely second that.

Luigi:
[pops up from pipe] Oh yeah? Well let's-a go.

Ronnie the Skeleton:
Oh, oh, really? This'll be great.

The Irate Gamer:
Alright!

The Irate Gamer:
In fact, they could have just called this game "National Lampoon's Luigi's Vacation" and nobody would be really the wiser.

The Irate Gamer:
Now if you thought the NES version was bad, you ain't seen nothing yet.

The Irate Gamer:
So now we have Mario is Missing for the 16-bit console. And with this version, you get levels that are twice as big, so that can only mean: more of this walking bullshit.

The Irate Gamer:
But as for everything else, it just seems like walking, walking, and more boring walking. And keep in mind these clips are sped up by 300%, so imagine this game at normal speed.

The Irate Gamer:
Oh, that's just great. You know what's worse than playing a boring-ass game for over four hours? Playing a boring-ass game for over four hours and finding out you got the shittier ending!

The Irate Gamer:
Again, Mario is given the task of returning items to the past that Boswer has stolen. In the main area, you'll have the option of picking from five items. And after picking one, it's time to consult your history book and activate your time machine. And... Wait a minute. Everything now has to be put in manually? Holy sh*t, I'll be here all day! And the worst part is that you just don't go straight to the next level. Oh, no. Instead, you'll be transported to a surfing board level. Now what the hell does this have to do with time travel? Jumping gigawatts! Just give me a flux capacitor so I can get the hell out of here.

The Irate Gamer:
Yeah, I do tend to get overly competitive with this game, but someone has to take out the trash.

The Irate Gamer:
What a shitload of f***.

The Irate Gamer:
[reading off screen] "This message will self destruct." Now ain't that cute? [Nintendo blows up] Well motherf***er!

The Irate Gamer:
Is it possible for Mission Impossible to possibly be a good game? Possible. But possi-f***ing-absolutely not. This game sucks ass!

The Irate Gamer:
Now either if you decided to cheat or you pass level 1, you end up on level 2.

The Irate Gamer:
To see why I'm so pissed off, let's start at the beginning.

[the message "Your mission, should you choose to accept it" is displayed]

The Irate Gamer:
"Your mission, if you choose to accept it". Famous words, but it's really misleading. I mean, they really don't give us a choice in the matter, because you can't choose not to accept it.

[all six levels in the game are displayed at once]

The Irate Gamer:
Now, there are six levels in this game. If they gave us the option of selecting any of the stage missions at this point, then this statement would've been more accurate. And why not set up the game this way? All the Mega Man games have a mission stage select screen, and look at what a hit that turned out to be.

The Irate Gamer:
I'm just so pissed off right now, I just cannot continue the review. My head is spinning and I feel like I'm losing my mind. Just do me a favor and stay away from this game, because the only plus side is that it actually lives up to its name. This mission is truly f***ing impossible.

The Irate Gamer:
I don't bow down to no one!

The Irate Gamer:
Oh I see, so we're basically operating on the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde Principle. And that's where the main character can turn into a monster and then turn back again throughout the game. Well I guess that's okay as long as the transformation doesn't last a f***ing fortnight!

The Irate Gamer:
[angrily answers door] What?

Partygoer #2:
Can you tell me where I can find a Halloween party in these here parts?

The Irate Gamer:
Get the f*** off my property!

The Irate Gamer:
If you think that's bad, just look at these idiots who are buried upside down. The only way to kill them off is by literally beating their asses. Let's just hope he doesn't decide to sh*t on me.

The Irate Gamer:
Let's just skip to level 2, which brings us down into the sewer, and wouldn't you know it, not a Ninja Turtle in sight.

The Irate Gamer:
How the hell does Ronnie get invited over me? That skeletal bastard.

The Irate Gamer:
I can't believe this. The biggest Halloween party this side of the city is right down the street, and I'm not even invited to it. But not only that, I've been getting people all day coming to my door asking 'where's the Halloween party at?' Yeah, like I care.

The Irate Gamer:
[answers door] What?

Partygoer #1:
Yeah, can you tell me where the Halloween party is around here?

The Irate Gamer:
Um, it's down the street. Can't you tell by the loud music, the people laughing and the spotlights beaming up into the sky?

Partygoer #1:
Oh yeah, I guess that is a dead give away.

The Irate Gamer:
Uh yeah, YA THINK? [slams the door]

The Irate Gamer:
We got bloody heads, flesh eating dogs, and pools of blood on the intro screen. Yep, looks like a kids' game to me.

Cousin Joey:
Hey Chris, what are ya playing? [sees game, reacts horrified and runs away sobbing]

The Irate Gamer:
Aw sh*t, now my Cousin Joey's gonna have nightmares for a week.

The Irate Gamer:
Alright, enough of this lame-ass, choreographed, boy band bullshit. Time for you to die.

Satan:
[in Allen's Pub] You know, this was a great idea.

Ronnie the Skeleton:
I'll say. This is one of the best bars I've ever been to. I can't believe how many times I passed by this place but never stopped in...

The Irate Gamer, Satan:
Shut up, Ronnie.

The Irate Gamer:
Well shovel my sh*t in a barrel.

The Irate Gamer:
You know what else doesn't make sense? I'm already halfway through this game and I have yet to see one reason as to why they call it "Monster Party". You have to fight monsters starting in level one all the way to level eight. So how is that supposed to be a party? In fact, the only party in this vicinity is the one down the street, and I'm not even invited to it!

The Evil Gamer:
For over a year now, I've been trying to take over The Irate Gamer Show with no success. First I hired the Predator to try and sabotage his show, but that failed. I reprogrammed R.O.B. the Robot to become a killing machine, and that failed too. But thankfully, I've got one more plan up my sleeve that will finally destroy the Irate Gamer... once and for all. Ha ha ha.

The Irate Gamer:
This simple transformation ends up taking way too much time. Time that could be better spent on killing off enemies. Like this weirdo who's engulfed in flames. Stop, drop and roll, man!

The Irate Gamer:
It's best to find the magic pill first and turn into the monster since he is the better fighter. He can fly, shoot weapons. Yeah, he pretty much kicks ass.

The Evil Gamer:
What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be killing him!

The Irate Gamer:
Evil?

Satan:
What the hell are you doing here?

The Evil Gamer:
We had an agreement, so kill the Irate Gamer. Kill him now!

Satan:
Aw chill out and relax. I'll buy you some cheesecake.

The Evil Gamer:
I don't believe this. You're suddenly the worst... cheesecake, really?

Satan:
Yeah, it's pretty darn good.

The Evil Gamer:
Well actually that does sound tempting, but actually I don't have the time. I'm on my way to a huge Halloween party.

The Irate Gamer:
Oh come on, you got an invitation too? [turns to face camera] Well motherf... [credits roll]

The Irate Gamer:
Now each time you encounter one of these bosses, they end up saying some stupid one-liner that doesn't make any sense at all. Like this guy tells you not to pick on him, but then starts launching pumpkins at you. Well, if you don't want to be picked on, then don't start throwing sh*t at me! I mean, what do you expect me to do? Just stand here like an a**hole and take it?

Ronnie the Skeleton:
Oh, oh, you're playing Monster Party. I remember auditioning for that game. Oh boy, the long hours, the grueling baseball bat beatings, it was real torture.

Satan:
You douchebag, you dare defy me? Then you will die. [fires beam at IG, misses] You will suffer a thousand deaths.

Satan:
[points to action figure] Oh! Is that Voltron?

The Irate Gamer:
Uh, yeah.

Satan:
[starts playing with it] Galaxy Defenders away!

The Irate Gamer:
So, uh, you're only here for one day only, right?

Satan:
Yeah, so?

The Irate Gamer:
Well, what are you wasting your time here for when we could be out having fun?

Satan:
Well, what do you have in mind? [Chris, Satan and Ronnie go to Allen's Pub]

Ronnie the Skeleton:
Oh, oh, this is getting so intense.

The Irate Gamer:
My time is precious. I can't be wasting it on pointless bullshit.

The Irate Gamer:
This is the stuff that emotional scarring events are made of. Remember the water level sh*t they pulled in the Ninja Turtles game? Yeah, it's kinda like that.

The Irate Gamer:
Now Mark is clearly the weakest fighter in this game. So how come in the intro, the monster makes him out to be some powerful kid who can help him save the world from destruction? I don't think this kid even knows how to save toilet paper.

The Irate Gamer:
So after killing the last boss, Mark is given a present, and out pops a beautiful princess. Oh yeah. This is gettin' hot.

The Irate Gamer:
[as tour guide] And if you'll look to your left, you'll see an a**hole just standing there.

The Irate Gamer:
"Monster Party" is a game that's considered a cult classic by some and a bad game by others.

The Irate Gamer:
Why ask an eight-year-old kid for help when you can find someone older and with much more fighting experience? It's like this monster decided to pick Urkel over Schwarzenegger. What a sh*t for brains.

The Irate Gamer:
What a piece of Cowabunga sh*t.

The Irate Gamer:
Now everybody raves about this game because of the two extra levels they included with this version. Well la-de-f***in-da, these levels suck. Adding them was just pointless and stupid.

The Irate Gamer:
The infamous shell shock. Even dying was cool as sh*t.

The Irate Gamer:
Face it, this game sucks. It's boring and it's stupid.

The Irate Gamer:
What a bunch of ass burgers with a side of fries.

The Irate Gamer:
In order to bring this game onto the Nintendo Entertainment System, they had to strip it of every cool feature that made it fun. Flashy intro- gone. Cool graphics- gone. Four player mode- gone. Aw, come on, and that was the best feature.

The Irate Gamer:
Jump from the wrong place and you go falling to the ground.

The Irate Gamer:
So I guess it would be kind of worthwhile to have this game in your collection. On second thought, f*** it.

The Irate Gamer:
To be perfectly honest, this game is actually enjoyable.

The Irate Gamer:
So after popping the game in and starting it, you'll found out that it's just... another huge let down. I mean, what the hell is this? This is the arcade game? What a pixelated nightmare.

The Irate Gamer:
F***! I hate this game.

The Irate Gamer:
But, at least we have this one, so... [8-bit barrel rolls passed] Well, I gotta get going. I gotta play me some Donkey Kong.

The Irate Gamer:
So if all these things are missing, then where do they get off calling this the Arcade Game? If they wanted to be honest, they'd have called it Ninja Turtles II: The Suckass Poorman's Version of The Arcade Game, 'cause that's exactly what it is.

The Irate Gamer:
Now I'm not sure if the backlash of this game was overwhelming or not, but a few months later, they decided to release a sequel.

The Irate Gamer:
In fact, during the middle of the game, the New York zoo magically freezes over, and at the end of the level, you end up fighting off a polar bear that looks like a cross between Joe Camel and Spuds MacKenzie.

The Irate Gamer:
Both Donatello and Leonardo end up becoming the most powerful characters, because they both use long-range weapons. And when you're down to just Raphael and Michaelangelo, who are both poor fighters, you might as well just turn the game off right now, because it's only a matter of time before you get your ass handed back to you on a plate.

The Irate Gamer:
And talking about enemies, what the f*** is up with the enemy selection in this game anyway? Eyeball plants, rocket-pack flyers, guys on fire, do you ever remember seeing these guys in the cartoon? Because I sure the hell don't. Either that or else I missed the episode where Leatherface comes to visit.

The Irate Gamer:
Hell, if every game was like this one, I'd be out of a job.

The Irate Gamer:
Upon starting the game, you'll find yourself talking through the city [turtle is run over by steamroller; looks at watch] Five seconds? That must be some kind of record.

The Irate Gamer:
Now let's talk about stage bosses, because this game has some real winners. You know you have a great game on your hands when the ending boss just stands in a corner while you beat the living sh*t out of him.

The Irate Gamer:
Now some of these levels have way too many enemies to fight off. And the real sh*t-shocker is that after you kill all the bad guys, and turn around, they all magically reappear! What the f***ing sh*t? Now I gotta kill'em all again?

The Irate Gamer:
A few months later they decided to release a Ninja Turtles game for the Nintendo system. After such an awesome arcade game, this one was highly anticipated. But just hold the f***ing phone here, because this was far from the game anyone expected. In fact, it was downright terrible!

The Irate Gamer:
Just what the f*** were they thinking when they placed a pizza box way down here? If I go for it, I end up dying, so what's the reason for this?

The Irate Gamer:
And who the hell could forget the infamous underwater level? I guarantee anybody who's played this game has been probably scarred by the painful memory of trying to beat this nightmare of a level.

The Irate Gamer:
[about the Ninja Turtles arcade game] The graphics were awesome, the levels were fun as hell, and the icing on the cake is that you and three other people could play all four turtles all at the same time. This was the coolest feature of this entire game: fighting alongside three strangers who all fought for a single purpose: to take down ol' Shredhead.

The Irate Gamer:
This game right here was everything a Turtles fan could ask for.

The Irate Gamer:
The Ninja Turtles arcade game became an instant classic after showing up in arcades everywhere in the 1980s.

The Irate Gamer:
Sh*t! I hate this f***ing level.

The Irate Gamer:
The only downside of this game is that you can only play with two players, but hell, with a game as good as this, it's something I'll gladly overlook.

The Irate Gamer:
And when you die, that's it. Game over.

The Irate Gamer:
[about Turtles in Time] This game turns out to be as cool and as fun as the original arcade game. The graphics are awesome, the enemies are great, and the levels are totally tubular.

The Irate Gamer:
Sadly, the original Turtles arcade game never appeared in its full glory on the Super Nintendo. In fact, fans had to wait almost 10 years later before the game was officially released as a bonus feature on the game TMNT 2: Battle Nexus.

The Irate Gamer:
It's unclear as to why they only released Turtles in Time for the Super Nintendo.

The Irate Gamer:
You guys suck!

The Irate Gamer:
The only thing you find out is that someone gave a special thanks to the Super C Team. Yeah, well here's a special thanks from me too, Super C Team [flips them off] Thanks for the spectacular ending, and thanks for filling every level of this f***ing game with a f***load of enemies, and thanks for taking the f***ing 30-lives code away from me, you bastards.

The Irate Gamer:
[playing Contra Force] Uh... did I just put the wrong game in? What the f*** is this? This isn't Contra, and it looks nothing like it. Where are the blimps and the aliens and why are the two main characters in the Contra series being replaced by four other people I've never even heard of?

The Irate Gamer:
Well, let's just get this review done and over with.

The Irate Gamer:
But the one thing that really suck is that if the character loses his last life, the game ends.

The Irate Gamer:
Even though this isn't a Contra game, the one thing it does live up to is the difficulty level the Contra series offers.

The Irate Gamer:
[character dies and the game is over] Ah f***! I've had enough of this bullshit! Game Genie, I wish to be invincible.

The Irate Gamer:
What a sh*t flipper.

The Irate Gamer:
Now there's only 5 levels in this game, and as much as I hate to admit it, some of them are actually fun.

The Irate Gamer:
The third level on the other hand is a real pain in the ass. It ends up being one of those types of levels where you gotta climb higher and higher until you reach the top. And if you make one wrong move, you fall all the way to the bottom and have to start all over again.

The Irate Gamer:
What the f***? Did that platform just explode?

The Irate Gamer:
When a game tells you in a real round about way that you've just wasted your time beating it for nothing, you know you have a real piece of sh*t on your hands.

The Irate Gamer:
The game Contra really laid down a great foundation in video games, and it was so successful that they released a sequel. And this was named Super C. Now, I'm not a marketing genius or anything, but how would anybody know this was a Contra sequel just by looking at the cover? Ah f*** it, let's just get to the game.

The Irate Gamer:
After being dropped out of a helicopter, your mission begins.

The Irate Gamer:
And I'm not kidding when I say you have alot of sh*t to deal with. The odds really come stacked against you in this game, and it's sh*t like this that makes it even worse. Aw come on, just how am I supposed to reach that? And it's not like I can just jump up and get it, because I can't jump that high. Don't they know that white men can't jump?

The Irate Gamer:
I swear, this level has more aliens in it than the Mos Eisely Space Port.

The Wise Sage:
Um, yeah, I agree.

The Irate Gamer:
Once you reach the ending boss, the creature waiting for you is some sort of weird looking alien head on top of a woman's head. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be disgusting or kinky.

The Irate Gamer:
Another feature they added was that they allowed the game to take control of the second player to fight along side you. Now this may sound awesome, but it really isn't, because they ended up f***ing this up too. You see this counter down here? Well, the computer-controlled soldier is only given five seconds to do his thing before he disappears. Well what a pointless, piece of sh*t feature this turns out to be. Just what the hell is he supposed to accomplish in five seconds? You know, it would have been nice if he stayed around at least until he got shot or something. And look at this sh*t, half the time he ends up firing in the wrong direction. Um, wrong way, dumbass. F***. No wonder this thing never got released in Japan.

The Irate Gamer:
They really put some interesting concepts into this game. Like this, for instance: you end up crossing a river to reach a submarine. That's pretty cool.

The Irate Gamer:
Even though the game Contra Force may have been a phony sequel, fans would be treated to a third installment, which would be released on the Super Nintendo. Oh, I almost forgot, [waves his hand, "To Be Continued" appears on screen] Don't ya hate cliffhangers?

The Irate Gamer:
Contra clone or not, there is no excuse for this and it's totally unacceptable. Well, I guess there's only one thing to do with trash like this, and that's to burn it. [takes a lighter to the cartridge, and it instantly vaporizes]

The Irate Gamer:
Contra III had been the sequel fans had been waiting for. What a great movie Konami made by calling it number 3.

The Irate Gamer:
In the opening sequence, the aliens return to earth for a third time, and start things off my descimating an entire city. Sh*t. These are some really pissed off aliens, and after a game like Contra Force, who could blame'em?

The Irate Gamer:
And to make things worse, this game has no codes to help me out whatsoever. So it's probably gonna be in your best interest to use a Game Genie, because if you can't reach some of these later levels, you're really missing out. You ride around on motorcycles, ride on helicopters, and even climb walls like a regular f***ing Spider-Man.

The Irate Gamer:
I'm just determined more than ever to see an ending to this game. At this point, I'd even settle for an ending that says: 'You just wasted your time on this game. So go f*** yourself, you gaming a**hole.'

The Irate Gamer:
Now you may be asking yourself, is this a hard game to play? You bet your ass it is. But hey, it's a Contra game, what did you expect?

The Irate Gamer:
Even on the easy mode, this game has more sh*t flying around than an exploding porta-potty.

The Irate Gamer:
At times, this game becomes very difficult to play.

The Irate Gamer:
Now the enemies in this level shouldn't give you too much of a problem, but these ledges on the other hand... sh*t! Who's f***ing idea was it to make these ledges so narrow?

The Irate Gamer:
But instead of getting a well-deserved ending, you end up with this crap: "Are you sharp enough to beat the normal mode?" What the f***? I just spent an hour trying to beat this game and this is my only reward? You a**hole!

The Irate Gamer:
Now just give me a f***ing ending already. Is that too much to ask?

The Irate Gamer:
Now there were alot of other Contra titles released for the Game Boy, the PlayStation, and even the Sega Genesis. But only one of these games would be worthy enough of calling Contra 4. And this was recently released on the Nintendo DS. This title really turns out to be a decent game, and it really takes gamers back to what made Contra fun.

The Irate Gamer:
Well, I'm done with Contra games, because I'm f***ing sick of fighting off aliens.

The Irate Gamer:
All I want to do is just kill this scorpion, but the game doesn't let me.

The Irate Gamer:
For some reason, most of these levels are called "Level Big Mode", and I guess that's because everything is big in this level. Well, heck, if we're going to start labeling these levels for what they really are, let's just name a couple of these stages: "Level Piece of F***ing-sh*t."

The Irate Gamer:
This game isn't just bad. It's more like a sh*t taco with cow urine for a dipping sauce.

The Irate Gamer:
The worst thing about using your fists is that your attack range is very limited.

The Irate Gamer:
What the sh*t, muchacho?

The Irate Gamer:
[referring to level 3] And the worst part is that this level is filled with some of the most ridiculous enemies I've ever seen. Things like jellyfish, ghosts, amoebas and seahorses, all of which is not even found in the f***ing movie. These things aren't even found in a normal cave for that matter. Wouldn't it have made more sense to use enemies like bats or snakes? I mean, hell, if we're just gonna pick things at random here, why don't we add some cows or sharks or Richard Simmons workout tapes for the hell of it.

The Irate Gamer:
Another thing that just pisses me off is all the precision jumping you have to do in this game. Just about every level has a row of small ledges that you have to jump across in order to reach the end. In this screen alone, there are nine small platforms that you have to jump on. Above that screen is an area with eight ledges. And above that is another with ten. So that means if at any point you make the slightest mistake while climbing up these ledges, you fall down below. Over-jump your target, you fall down below. Under-jump your target, you fall down below. An enemy hits you, you fall down below. And all my hard work up to this point goes right down the f***ing tubes! And it's a long way down, buddy. Who knows where the hell you'll turn up?

[in the game, the character falls down several screens, and even falls down several screens from other video games until it falls through Hell, past Satan, reading a newspaper]

Satan:
[looking up] What the hell was that?

The Irate Gamer:
Your objective here is to pick up the grenade and use it to blast through these walls so you can get special weapons and power-ups. It would be a whole hell of a lot easier to do if all these enemies weren't trying to kill me. Just look at this sh*t! Damn blocks. Damn enemies. Sh*t! No matter how many times I kill the guys, they just come right back to life. What the f***? Get away from me!

The Irate Gamer:
While we're at it, why the hell is Arnold running around in a pink uniform? Has the military gone f***ing colorblind? Who wears a pink uniform in covert operations? No wonder everybody's trying to kill the guy. He sticks out worse than a sore thumb. Oh, I'm getting the urge just to kill the guy myself.

The Irate Gamer:
You ever get the feeling that you're being watched?

The Irate Gamer:
Once the game begins, you take control of Arnold Schwarzenegger's character. And oddly enough, the only thing you have to defend yourself in this dangerous jungle are your fists. Now, instead of the game equipping your character with a weapon, Arnold is reduced to walking into enemy territory with only his bare hands to defend himself. Well, this is an odd move, since the cover of the game clearly shows him holding a f***ing gun!

The Irate Gamer:
Turning a Hollywood movie into a video game always spells disaster. And "Predator" for the NES is no exception.

The Irate Gamer:
[referring to the grenade weapon in the game] The main problem is that they don't explode on impact or upon landing. And since the enemies are always running around, trying to kill them becomes harder than a two-week-old piece of sh*t.

The Irate Gamer:
These grenades just really suck ass. Or should I being saying these "pine" suck ass? Ugh, whatever.

The Irate Gamer:
Now, if you're looking for a real weapon to fight with, you'll finally be able to pick a gun up in level 3. I'm not sure why this doesn't appear earlier in the game, but the way they treat it as a special item that you have to randomly find just pisses me off. And did I just read that correctly? This is a laser gun? When the hell did Arnold use a laser gun in the movie? Oh, I'm not sure which weapon sounds more ridiculous, the laser gun or the pine. How giving me a boot so I can shove it up someone's ass?

The Irate Gamer:
It's been over a month since my last review, and I've been told by YouTube that if I don't make another one, I'll be fired! So, against my will, I'm here to review another game, and this time, we're gonna review Q*Bert for the NES.

The Irate Gamer:
But I can't help but wonder: what the hell is a Q*Bert, anyway? [the word "Q-Bert" is shown] If we break down the very name itself... [the "Q" part becomes Q from "Star Trek: The Next Generation" and the "Bert" part becomes Bert from "Sesame Street"]... we're pretty much left with more questions than answers. It just boggles the mind.

The Irate Gamer:
I'm done with this review, and I'm ending this episode early. If YouTube doesn't like it, then too damn bad. I mean, what's the worst thing they can do, fire me? Ha! Yeah, right. I like to see 'em try.

Whatthebuck:
So what's the deal with Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man? Are they, like, still together?

The Irate Gamer:
During your mission, you'll encounter all sorts of things that want nothing more to do than to wipe your ass out. Things like snakes, balls and these upside-down a**holes who walk around on the wrong side of the cubes. Hey, buddy! What the hell do you think this is, an Escher painting? I don't think so!

The Irate Gamer:
Anyone who has ever stepped foot into an arcade is no stranger to this game. And if you owned an Atari, odds are the game was what's part of your collection.

Whatthebuck:
Also in news, you may remember that last year, football player Michael Vick was arrested on charges of illegal dog fighting. Well, it's now been confirmed he was also illegal Pokemon fighting. He denied it, being interviewed by reporters, but kept saying it wasn't his fault, he was just trying to collect them all.

The Irate Gamer:
After all, this is a highly technological piece of sh*t we're dealing with.

The Irate Gamer:
All that just to push the A button? How is this supposed to be fun? What a piece of diarrhea dick-waffles. I'd get more pleasure by sticking my tongue in an electrical socket.

The Irate Gamer:
The only drawback to this is that sometimes the robot doesn't even respond to the flashes, so you end up sitting there like a f***ing putz waiting for him to move.

The Irate Gamer:
Now along with the robot comes a whole shitload of accessories. And these fit along the numbered slots located around the base. The robot comes with two spinning gyros, a piece to hold the gyros, a gyro spinner, and a special control accessory that allows ROB to play games with you.

The Irate Gamer:
[to R.O.B] You dickbag! You're the worst player I've ever played with.

The Irate Gamer:
At least I think it kills him, or else the sound of these things going off in unison gives the old f***er a heart attack.

The Irate Gamer:
If you fall in a hole with no way out, you're also f***ed.

The Irate Gamer:
This in turn makes the game longer to play and ends up boring the player out of his f***ing mind while he waits for the prick to move.

The Irate Gamer:
[to R.O.B] Did you just squish my player? [R.O.B.'s eyes glow red; Irate Gamer looks stunned; becomes angry again and holds up a fist] You better shape up or your ass is out of here.

The Irate Gamer:
Now the robot was first released in Japan with a red and white color scheme and that was called the Family Computer Robot, or the F.C.R [sounds like 'f***er'] for short.

The Irate Gamer:
Can you imagine playing Super Mario Bros. when the jump button is on the second controller? The suicide rate in this country alone would go through the f***ing roof.

The Irate Gamer:
Today, we're going to be looking at a very obscure Nintendo accessory that not many people will probably recognize. [picks up R.O.B. the Robot] That's this guy right here: R.O.B. the Robot. Even though he wasn't as popular as the Nintendo system, his role in bringing it to the U.S. was actually essential. Before the Nintendo was released in the U.S., the country was going through a video game crash that occurred in 1983. This was a time when people stopped playing video games, and anything even resembling a video game system was immediately shunned by retailers. So Nintendo decided to pair the NES system up with a robot and market the console as a robot gaming system rather than a video game system. And to everyone's surprise, the ploy worked.

The Irate Gamer:
[strangles ROB] You piece of sh*t. You made me lose!

The Irate Gamer:
No, not the Party button!

The Irate Gamer:
You stupid robot!

The Irate Gamer:
This game isn't just Stack-Up, it's also F***ed-Up.

The Irate Gamer:
The Retro Mini supports Nintendo games, Tengen games, licensed games, even games sent from heaven.

The Irate Gamer:
Other than that, the Retro Mini is pretty awesome, and the main reason being is because it's portable. Now if we could only get one for the Atari, that would be freakin' awesome.

The Irate Gamer:
What are your objectives, Robocop?

Robocop:
Serve the public trust. Protect the innocent. Destroy makers of shitty video games.

The Irate Gamer:
So if you haven't seen the movie, you'll have no idea what this guy's about.

Swag:
You said it, dude. They should have had you start off the game as Murphy and play out what happens in the movie until the point where he becomes RoboCop. I understand that seeing Murphy get shot all to hell may have been inappropriate for a game that was pantering to kids, but with a little effort, they could have dialed it down enough to make it exceptable for younger gamers.

The Irate Gamer:
Well on the upside, they did use the actual theme music from the movie, despite the fact that the tempo is off and it sounds like crap. Now I understand that there are limitations with the 8-bit software...

The Irate Gamer:
It's just a real can of ass how RoboCop puts his gun away even when you don't want him to.

Swag:
So the real question is, who do you blame for this bag of ass crabs? Do you blame the child [Data East] for committing the bad deed, or do you blame the parents [Ocean] for allowing the child to commit the deed?

The Irate Gamer:
Now go destroy Ocean for this shitty game. Yes, yes, go, my minion!

Robocop:
[arrives at the beach] Destroy Ocean. Destroy Ocean. Your move, creep. [gets carried off by waves] Malfunction. Ocean too strong. Malfunction. Creep. Justice. Innocense. Ocean.

The Irate Gamer:
Oh well, it could have been worse. He could have gone after Billy Ocean... hey, that's not a bad idea. Robocop, go kill Billy Ocean.

The Irate Gamer:
I could take a sh*t faster than this.

The Irate Gamer:
Now, I don't really hate Mario 2, but when you compare it to the other Mario games, this game just has "Ass" written all over it.

The Irate Gamer:
Now, I know what you're thinking, that I'm going to sit here and attack Super Mario 2. Well, before you start sending your hate mail, just hear me out.

The Irate Gamer:
Mario is perhaps one of the most famous gaming icons of all time, and that could be because they packaged each Nintendo system with the game Super Mario Bros.

The Irate Gamer:
Another thing that just pisses me off is that they only start you out with a two-heart health system, and when you get hit, they take away an entire heart.

The Irate Gamer:
At last you reach the final boss named Wart, who ends up just really being a pushover. All you have to do is throw vegetables at him when his mouth is open, and he'll choke on 'em and die. Yet again giving kids another reason not to eat their vegetables.

The Irate Gamer:
A few years later, Nintendo released a game called Super Mario All Stars for the SNES. This was a collection of all of the Super Mario titles for the NES, which included giving them new backgrounds and music upgrades. These games were Mario 1, 2, 3 and a bonus game called Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels. Lost Levels? Wait a minute, there are lost levels? Where on earth do they find these things? And how exactly did they become lost in the first place?

The Irate Gamer:
[about the original Super Mario Bros. 2] This game right here is the perfect predecessor to the first Mario game.

The Irate Gamer:
[about the ending where Mario has been dreaming up the entire adventure] You know, I wish I were dreaming up this entire game because it f***ing sucks. Compared to the other Mario games, this one's the worst one of the bunch!

The Irate Gamer:
Now, I was never really a fan of Super Mario 2.

The Irate Gamer:
This mystery is very misleading, but we must get to the bottom of it. After doing even more research, I found something that is guaranteed to flip some sh*t.

Evil Gamer:
Mind if I play?

The Irate Gamer:
Sorry, man, it's just a one player game.

Evil Gamer:
Well that sucks.

The Irate Gamer:
[after talking about Super Mario Advance] So, now that we have the newer version, we can now destroy the original.

Evil Gamer:
[pulling a gun on him] That's exactly what I was thinking.

The Irate Gamer:
[shocked] What the hell do you think you're doing?

Evil Gamer:
Face it, your reviews suck! I'm taking over and destroying the original.

The Irate Gamer:
But you can't do that!

Evil Gamer:
Ha! Just watch me.

The Irate Gamer:
First of all, there's nothing even remotely familiar in this game that was included in the original ones. No coin boxes, no Goombas, no turtles, and worst of all, the end boss isn't even King Koopa. Instead, we are treated to a cast of goofy and oddball characters. Things like Sniffits, Shyguys, and Bobombs. And the real sh*t shocker is that the villain of the previous game has now been replaced by a fat frog named Wart. This makes no sense whatsoever!

The Irate Gamer:
When you start this game, you'll have the choice of picking between four different characters, all with their own special abilities. Mario is the regular fighter. Luigi is the high jumper. Princess Peach can hover in the air for extended periods of time. And Toadstool, well, he's pretty much worthless.

The Irate Gamer:
And remember that invincibility star? Well yeah, they pretty much f***ed that whole thing up too. Instead of now finding the star, you have to collect five cherries that are scattered around the level.

Evil Gamer:
[lands in Hell] Where am I?

Satan:
Well, well, looks like I have another minion to torture.

Evil Gamer:
[turns to camera] I'm gettin' you for this! Aah! [zooms in on his mouth]

The Irate Gamer:
I guess that makes sense because having two of the same thing can become stale and repetative.

Evil Gamer:
Yep, stale and repetative.

The Irate Gamer:
Once you start, you'll find that the game play has been totally altered. First, they did away with the ability to smash your enemies. Instead, you'll have to pick them up and toss them at other enemies just to kill them.

The Irate Gamer:
Now I wouldn't mind this so much, but they make it very difficult to replensih your health. In the first Mario Bros. game, it was really simple. All you had to do was pound away at coin boxes until you end up finding a mushroom. But with the second game, they decided to make things much harder. It's only after you kill a certain amount of enemies that a heart will float up from the bottom of the screen. Well big f***in' whoop. Doing it this way is just stupid.

The Irate Gamer:
Luckily, there are a few places in this game you can hide so enemies can't get to you. [stands behind cactus; enemy walks through and kills him] Oh come on! He walked right through the f***ing cactus!

The Irate Gamer:
You know, it's sh*t like this that makes me go from zero to pissed off in 2.5 seconds.

The Irate Gamer:
[about Lost Levels] Well, the title is very misleading, because after doing some research, it turns out that this game is in fact the real Super Mario Bros. 2. Released only in Japan, this game continues where the first one left off. All the same enemies, power-up items, even the maps look the same.

The Irate Gamer:
[playing Doki Doki Panic] Now the introduction may not look familiar, but once you start playing, you will be amazed. Holy sh*t! This looks pretty damn familiar. In fact, it's the exact same game. And we're not just talking about copying the layout of the levels, everything's been stolen! The enemies, the music, the power-ups, everything! If you compare these games side by side, you'll see that it's the exact same video game.

The Irate Gamer:
[about the game's release on the Game Boy Advance] Super Mario 2 was given a complete makeover, and the end result is just amazing. I can honestly say that for the first time, this truly feels like a Mario game. They totally revamped all the levels, included alot more power-ups, mixed in with some interesting enemies, and now finding hearts to replenish your health is so much easier.

The Irate Gamer:
[comparing Doki Doki Panic to Super Mario Bros. 2] Now, I will give them the benefit of the doubt, because they did change and upgrade a few things from the original. Like, instead of turtle shells, you pull out weird-looking heads. And the water flows a lot faster in this game than the Mario clone. But even with that being said, what the f***? These two games shouldn't have anything in common.

The Irate Gamer:
What does the word "Tetris" actually mean, and what is a Tetris? Well, believe it or not, this actually comes from the Greek word "Tetra", which means "segments containing four pieces", and wouldn't you know it, each shape in this game is made up of four blocks. Cool.

The Irate Gamer:
Once you begin, blocks will start falling from the sky and it will be your job to keep them from reaching the top.

The Irate Gamer:
[referring to the rising bars on the right side of the screen] And can you guess what will happen next? I mean, I couldn't believe it... Absolutely f***ing nothing! You ass-biter! How damn pointless was that? Why the f*** is this even here? I mean, why not post a warning for this kind of sh*t? Something like "Warning: These bars are f***ing pointless". That's all I ask.

The Irate Gamer:
[talking about "Tetris 2"] Why did Nintendo go and revamp a concept that works? Are they insane? Did they actually think this is fun? It makes as much sense as urinating into a radiator. The outcome just plain stinks like piss.

The Irate Gamer:
After you've managed to wipe out a certain number of rows, they then give you a small break so they can add up all the points you've collected. During this time, little Russian dancers will come out and entertain you. [the Gamer is seen dancing with the Russians in the game; to one dancer] Hey, how much do we get paid an hour? [back to narration] Score really big and you'll even get the maidens to come out for a bit. [the Gamer is seen dancing with a female Russian dancer] Hey, baby! Hey, call me sometime.

The Irate Gamer:
Why did Nintendo decide to release a "Tetris" of their own, too? Did they want to expand on the existing concept or did they just have something to prove? Well, "Tetris" was created by a guy in Russia in 1985. The game quickly crossed into other countries while the copyrights of the game were poorly being kept track of. Four years later, over a dozen companies claimed to have the exclusive rights to produce "Tetris", one of them being Atari. After a few legal battles, the courts finally decided that Nintendo was actually the only company who had the exclusive rights to this game. They then forced Atari to pull all their copies of "Tetris" off the shelves after only four weeks of being on the market.

The Irate Gamer:
Although the Nintendo's Tetris falls a little bit short when compared to the Atari version, it's still addictive as heroin. In fact, I can't get enough of this game. But I have been playing about four hours straight, so maybe I should take a break. [puts the controller down, puts his hands together and looks up wonderingly, then picks up the controller] Ah, f*** it! I need more Tetris! Gimme more Tetris! Bring on the Tetris!

The Irate Gamer:
Ah, Tetris, the Soviet mind game. Now, before beginning, you'll be able to select your difficulty level. They even give you the option of picking out your own choice of background music. So it's pretty much like a jukebox. Hmm, I wonder if they have anything by Van Halen.

[selects Panama on the music select screen; "Panama" by Van Halen starts playing]

The Irate Gamer:
Bitchin'!

The Irate Gamer:
[talking about the Nintendo version of Tetris] Now, this game does give you a lot of the same features, but they scaled back on a lot of things. For instance, they now only give you three songs to choose from, one being "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy", just in case your gamer is an inspiring f***ing musical conductor. Nintendo also dropped the two-player feature that was popular in the Atari version. What a bunch of sh*t burgers. Despite all these changes, however, the game still follows the same basic concept: fitting blocks together and keeping them from reaching the top.

[the Gamer tries to think of a proper ending for "Where's Waldo"]

The Irate Gamer:
Here's an idea: why not create an ending that's being honest about the product? Something like, "Thank you for spending your hard-earned money on our game. We understand that you've just spent 20 precious minutes of your life playing our shitty game, but you'll never get those minutes back. You are all suckers!"

The Irate Gamer:
Do yourself a favor and avoid these games at all costs, because there's only one thing to do with these games. That's right, f***ing shred the bastards.

[shoves cartridges through his paper shredder then flips them the bird]

The Irate Gamer:
Let me just stop here and reiterate that somebody at THQ thought it would be a very good idea to turn this into a video game. Douchebags.

The Irate Gamer:
Now let's try this guy. At least I think it's a guy.

The Irate Gamer:
Waldo can stay lost for all I care.

The Irate Gamer:
It's pretty much a slap in the face when you have other NES games like Super Mario World, which has a total of 96 levels to run around in. As well as Donkey Kong Country which has about 100 very complex levels to explore.

The Irate Gamer:
Great Waldo Search? What a great load of sh*t. After playing these two games, I don't know where the f*** Waldo is, but if I end up finding him anywhere near my NES system again, I'll f***ing rips his arms off and shove that f***ing cane up his ass.

The Irate Gamer:
But where are all of Waldo's friends? Where's Wizard Whitebeard or the dog or the Evil Waldo?

The Irate Gamer:
Let me just stop here and reiterate that someone at THQ... ah, f*** it.

The Irate Gamer:
I can honestly say that for the first five minutes I was playing this game, I was mildly entertained. But I gotta say, the novelty of this game wore off really quick and my irate nature was running on all four cylinders.

The Irate Gamer:
After you complete the second level, the game ends up becoming very repetative and your search becomes very boring. I really think this would've been better if it were a side-scrolling adventure game.

The Irate Gamer:
Let's first take look at this title: "Yo Noid". "Yo Noid"? I guess just calling it "The Noid" didn't have enough pizazz to it. I'm not sure what the thought process was behind this, but it makes as much sense as calling my show "Yo Irate Gamer". Yo.

The Irate Gamer:
But remember, don't get mad, get Glad lock zipper bags.

The Irate Gamer:
Now, what mayor in their right mind would rely on a guy who destroys pizzas for a living to save his city? So unless we're talking about the f***ing Mayor McCheese, I'm not buying it.

The Irate Gamer:
A logo can go a long way.

The Irate Gamer:
You know, Dominos has a lot of nerve selling out and slapping their name on such a crappy product just to make money. Wait, what's this? [is handed something from off screen] An endorsement check from Dominos? [eyes become two dollar signs, accompanied by a cash register ring] Well, what do I know? Maybe selling out isn't such a bad idea.

The Irate Gamer:
It's not even set up like a normal game, and it's also fustrating as f***. Sh*t!

The Irate Gamer:
[dies repeatedly] Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t. This game is the biggest piece of... crap!

The Irate Gamer:
So while the city's being burned to the ground, I'm stuck here having a f***ing pizza eating contest.

The Irate Gamer:
Well sh*t on a motherf***ing stick!

The Irate Gamer:
How could I have endorsed such a shitty game? Well I'm done with this endorsing garbage. I'm irate, dammit, and the only one I'm selling out to [takes off shirt to reveal an Irate Gamer T-shirt] is myself. That's right, Irate Gamer's back, baby.

Evil Gamer:
Stupid lemmings.

The Irate Gamer:
[after putting the Noid into perspective] Now, the commercials were cool and all, but... [interrupted constantly by the Noid appearing and laughing] but whose bright idea was it to give this guy his own video game? I mean, talk about selling out. You know this was a disaster just waiting to happen. [the Noid laughs again and the Gamer hits him on the head with a frying pan, knocking him out]

The Irate Gamer:
Now, when you start the game, you're told that you must defend the city from the Noid's evil twin. Hey, I got an evil twin. You know, I wonder how he's doing? [scene shifts to Hell]

Evil Gamer:
I hate this place! I gotta get out of here! But how? [thinking] Well, I do have an idea. But I'm gonna need some help. [grins and chuckles evilly]

The Irate Gamer:
[holding up the Yo Noid cartridge] "Yo Noid"? Yo, f*** yourself! [flips the cartridge the bird, then hurls it out the window; a man yells outside]

The Irate Gamer:
If you die, it just means you suck and are bad at it.

The Irate Gamer:
What an ever-loving piece of rat-flinging bullshit!

The Irate Gamer:
Way to jack off on the cheerleader, pervert.

The Irate Gamer:
The nice thing about this game is that you don't have to save everyone in town just to pass a level. [in the game, the main character walks up to a cheerleader] And that's a good thing, too, because do I really want to save this stuck-up cheerleader? I mean, every cheerleader I ever asked out in high school flat out rejected my ass. [the cheerleader gets killed by a zombie] Yeah, serves you right, b*tch.

The Irate Gamer:
Zombies, zombies, and more zombies. [shows picture of Aaron Spelling]

The Irate Gamer:
[phone rings] Well, it appears we have a caller, which is funny because this is not supposed to be a call-in show.

The Evil Gamer:
So while we're on the subject, how about taking me up with you? I'm freakin' sick of this place.

Satan:
Well I suppose I could. Just stay out of trouble.

The Evil Gamer:
Fine, but I'm not making any promises.

The Irate Gamer:
I think I'm gonna need a bigger gun.

The Irate Gamer:
But if you're looking for a good zombie game to whet your appetite, then keep on lookin', because this one deserves to be chucked into the nearest meat grinder.

The Irate Gamer:
What the hell is up with all these other enemies? The title of this game clearly reads 'Zombies Ate My Neighbors', not 'Monsters Ate My Neighbors', so what the f*** is going on here?

The Irate Gamer:
The only thing you won't find in this game are skeletons. I'm not extactly sure why, so heck, why don't we ask one? So joining us live to The Irate Gamer Show connected by via satellite, Ronnie the Skeleton.

The Irate Gamer:
So this is it? After 47 levels of bullshit, this is the big pay off? Wow, way to cop-out on the f***ing ending, guys. Especially you, Mark Hutchinson.