The IT Crowd

Roy:
[singing] We don't need no education.

Moss:
Yes you do; you've just used a double negative

[Trying to put out a fire and having just set the fire to the extinguisher]

Moss:
I'll just put it here with the rest of the fire.

Roy:
[repeated throughout the series] [answering the phone] Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Douglas:
How the hell do you two guys work with a finger lickin' piece of chicken like that?

Roy:
I'm not turning it up to eight Moss! It'll blow my cock off !

Moss:
Ah, well. Prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame, set at gas mark egg on your face. [pause] I sort of forget what I was talking about.

Moss:
[after a musical TV ad] Well that's easy to remember! 0118 999 881 999 119 725... 3

Roy:
[to Moss when hung-over and groaning] oh... morning. Oh my word. When did the English start drinking like that? You people drink like you don't want to live.

Moss:
Awright, 'arry? See that ludicrous display last night?

Postman:
What was Wenger thinking, sending Walcott on that early?

Moss:
Fing about Arsenal is, they always try an' walk it in.

Postman:
True. See you later, Moss.

Moss:
I wanna go back to being weird. I like being weird. Weird's all I got. That, and my sweet sweet style.

Moss:
I'm at the end of my flipping tether!

Doctor Mendall:
MOSS! It's not like you to use that sort of language!

Moss:
Flip off! [runs away]

Moss:
This is the scientific breakthrough of the afternoon!

Jen:
I've got aunt Irma visiting

Moss:
Oh do you not like aunt Irma? Ive got an aunt like that. [Roy is shaking his head also confused]

Jen:
Its my term for my time of the month.

Roy:
Oh.

Moss:
What time of the month? The weekend?

Jen:
[Roy is trying to shut him up] No.

Moss:
Does aunt Irma visit on the weekend?

Jen:
You know its high tide.

Moss:
But We're not on the coast

Roy:
Moss!

Jen:
I'm Closed for maintenance.

Moss:
Closed for maintenance?

Roy:
Moss!

Jen:
I've fallen to the communists.

Moss:
Well they do have some strong arguments.

Roy:
[Finally putting it to words] Carrie Moss! First scene in Carrie!

Moss:
[Finally Gets it] Ohh... Okay, yap, yap, yep, No, Nope nope yep nope naa aah... [Walks out of the room]

Bomb Disposal:
[referring to the bomb disposal robot] I'm just having a couple of problems with it.

Moss:
What kind of operating system does it use?

Bomb Disposal:
It's er... Vista.

Moss:
We're going to die!

Roy:
[about Jen's virus-infected laptop] If this was a human being, I'd shoot it in the face.

Moss:
I don't mind telling you, Roy, sometimes the people upstairs cheese me off to such an extent that if I were the type to use bad language, I would be employing it bitterly and repeatedly.

Moss:
What the flip are you looking at? Think this is funny? You think this is some kind of mother flipping joke? Mother flippers think everything is a mother flipping joke. Let me tell you, the jokey ain't no jokey sucker!

Moss:
Oh my God! It's a robot. Never seen one in the wild before. Can we keep him, Roy? If he doesn't belong to anyone.

Moss:
I didn't bunk off so I could do some flipping perusing. I wanna taste the apple, Roy. I want to bite the electric tiger's tail and ride it until the end of the mother flipping line!

Roy:
Didn't know what a stress machine as this morning, and now we have two of them.

Moss:
I can't go to jail, Roy! They'll rape the flip out of me!

[Moss suddenly notices the fire he set and naturally confuses it with golf]

Moss:
Ooh! Fore! I mean "Five!" I mean "Fire!"

Roy:
Come on you crazy b*tch. Denholm's called a general.

Jen:
Oh no! Not another one.

Moss:
I bet he declares war on something. He loves declaring wars. [now in meeting]

Denholm:
I am declaring war. [the employees groan] I can see that got your attention. [camera points to his tight cycling trousers] What am I declaring war on?

Roy:
[sotto voce] My bollocks?

Moss:
Excuse me, I would like a go and I think Roy should be punished for nearly killing that lady.

Moss:
[reading fire extinguisher] Stand upright. [stands] Well now I can't read it. Oh, not me. I AM a giddy goat.

Moss:
Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to?

Roy:
Well, like all women she's shoe-mad

Moss:
That's a bit sexist, isn't it?

Roy:
You know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?

Moss:
No, but I only know one woman, and she just left the room shouting "THE SHOES!"

Moss:
[annoyed] Made in Britain.

Roy:
The weirdest thing just happened-FIRE?

Moss:
It's fine. I've sent an email.

Denholm:
[trying to stress out Jen] Jen, if this needle goes past here, you're fired. Does that make you feel stressed at all? Does it? Jen? Are you sure? Jen? Does it? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?

Moss:
Subject: Fire. Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire that has broken out on the premises of 123 Cavendon Road... no, that's too formal. [deletes text, starts again] Fire - exclamation mark - fire - exclamation mark - help me - exclamation mark. 123 Cavendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. Yours truly, Maurice Moss. [sigh of relief]

Denholm:
[Seeing a fire burning behind a broken monitor frame] Nice screensaver.

Denholm:
[later] I love the way the smoke seems to be coming off the top of it...

Roy:
I don't know if it's the loss of blood or the melting plastic from the monitor, but I feel great!

TV Announcer:
0118 999 881 999 119 725 3

Newsreader:
From today, dialling 999 won't get you the emergency services. And that's not the only thing that's changing. Nicer ambulances, faster response times and better-looking drivers mean they're not just "the" emergency services - they're "your" emergency services. So, remember the new number: [singing number] 0118 999 881 999 119 725... 3

Moss:
What was all that about?

Roy:
Well, like all women, she's shoe mad.

Moss:
That's a bit sexist, isn't it?

Roy:
Do you know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?

Roy:
Did you use a soldering iron to make that stress machine?

Moss:
Yes.

Roy:
You turned it off?

Moss:
Oh I'm fairly sure I did.

Roy:
Because you remember what happened last time, right?

Moss:
Yes. That was very funny!

Roy:
Well, no, no. It was very dangerous and someone nearly died.

Moss:
Right. No. Yeah, I was thinking of a different incident, the one on the golf course.

Roy:
What? I'm talking about the fire.

Moss:
Oh yeah. Fire. Sorry. I always get confused between "golf" and "fire".

Roy:
Just make sure it's off.

Roy:
It is off. I think.

Roy:
Well just make sure it is.

Moss:
I will make sure it is.

Roy:
And if it's already off...?

Moss:
...I'll just walk away.

[Roy exits]

Moss:
Get off my back. What is he, the soldering iron police?... It's off. That means I turn in on, and just walk away.

Moss:
Now, let's see what we have here. [bends over to read fire extinguisher] "Stand upright" [stands upright] Well, now I can't read it. Oh! Not me. I AM a giddy goat.

Moss:
[dialing] 0115... no... 0118... no... 0118 999 - 3. Hello? Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to? Hello? Hello? [pauses for thought] I know... [sits down in front of the computer] Subject: Fire. "Dear Sir stroke Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." no, that's too formal. [deletes] "Dear Sir stroke Madam. Fire, exclamation mark. Fire, exclamation mark. Help me, exclamation mark. 123 Carrendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."

Moss:
[holding a fire extinguisher that is on fire] I'll put this over here, with the rest of the fire.

Moss:
Well that's easy to remember. 0118 999 881 999 119 725 3

Jen:
Why are you doing this?

Roy:
The same reason I do everything, Jen; to have sex with a lady.

Roy:
There are a lot of Shabba Ranks in your hard drive.

Moss:
You're not going to Adam and believe this!

Messy Joe's Guitarist:
[singing] Everybody's having having fun fun fun! 'Cos everything is nice! And everyone is friendly! Lot's of friendly faces having fun fun fun' 'Cos everything is nice! And everyone is friendly! Smiiiiile and the world will...

Jen:
Excuse me, 'scuse me! It's just, it's not... Sorry, it's just not appropriate at the moment.

[singers leave dejected, long pause]

Messy Joe's Guitarist:
[singing] Everybody's having having fun fun fun!

Moss:
If you were a murderer, what would your nickname be? Mine would be 'The Gardener', because I'd always leave a rose at the scene of the crime.

Roy:
What would your murder weapon be?

Moss:
A hammer.

Roy:
"Shut up! I'm not interested! These are just some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself. PS: No dogs."

[to Moss]

Roy:
How does yours sound?

Moss:
Well, mine doesn't sound any good now.

Roy:
Lets hear it.

Moss:
[hesitates] "I'm going to murder you, you bloody woman!"

Roy:
[thinks] You might want to play a bit hard to get.

Moss' Mum:
[Moss is in toilet] Moss, what are you doing?

Moss:
Number twos, leave me alone! Stop doing this, you're always doing this, you're making it go back in!

Roy:
I didn't know you did the whole lonely hearts thing.

Moss:
I'm a 32 year old IT consultant who works in the basement. Yes, I do the whole lonely hearts thing.

Jen:
Moss, Moss, there's a spider in my office. Could you deal with it? I just hate spiders.

Moss:
Hahaha! Oh, ah. Yeah. I'm not overly fond of them myself there, Jen. Um, how... how... How big is...? Whoa! Hey, now. I tell you what, I'd actually recommend my good friend Roy there as the go-to guy on anything with more than seven eyes. Um... He's on a very brief personal call right now...

Jen:
Come on, Moss. Don't be silly.

Moss:
You're right, I'm being silly. WRAP IT UP, ROY! No, it's just a spider. It's fine. It's just a spider. Oh, look, it seems to have left of its own volition.

Jen:
Oh, be a man, Moss.

Moss:
You're right. I'll be a man. I'm a man... Please don't shut the door.

Jen:
I won't.

Moss:
Goodbye, Jen.

Moss:
I went to a good place recently. Nice atmosphere. Food's great.

Jen:
Really?

Moss:
Yes. What?

Jen:
Sorry, I just didn't have you down as a restaurant person.

Moss:
I'm a restaurant person. Why wouldn't I be a restaurant person? Cheese string?

Moss:
Jen, why don't you tell them about your Bionic arm.

Moss:
My mum's on Friendface. My mum! I've opened up another channel of communication with my mum.

Jen:
Isn't that good?

Moss:
No, it is not good! She has put down her current mood as 'sensual'.

Jen:
[Moss is pretending to be Jen's husband at her school reunion] So you remember what to do?

Moss:
Big you up to the max.

Jen:
By...

Moss:
Listing your fictional achievements.

Jen:
And...

Moss:
Saying how lucky I am to have met you and talking about our sweet sex life.

Jen:
Maybe not the last one. We don't want to sound too smug.

Moss:
Hey, if I'm pretending to be married I'm pretending to be sexually active.

Moss:
We have two lovely children, Zenith and Quasar.

Roy:
You have to learn how to stand up for yourself, man. Okay, let's try something. Let's do some roleplaying, okay? Do you think that would be a good idea?

Moss:
It certainly helped me learn how to buy sandwiches.

Douglas:
Conrad Black, the first rich person to go do prison in over 300 years.

Moss:
If someone called me a big ugly builder I'd be furious, and not just because I'm actually an IT consultant.

Douglas:
Wow, my grandfather's old service revolver. To think of all the deserters he shot with this.

Douglas:
[Sat at his office desk] I don't think I've ever looked in this draw... wow! A Gun.

Moss:
[what he would think if he were the builder] Revenge would be uppermost on my mind. I'm going to wee on everything. I'm going to taint her abode. I'm going to strain my personal potatoes upon her premisis.

Moss:
These toys may smell of wee come the morn.

Moss:
You're going close encounters crazy, Roy!

Jen Barber:
It's not that much of a lie, Moss. Because I have always wanted to speaks Italian... and I can sound like I'm speaking Italian, so it's... more or less the same thing.

Moss:
Yeah, except to Italian. Or people who can understand Italian.

Roy Trenneman:
Her parent died in a fire.

Jen Barber:
Oh, God. I'm sorry, that's horrible.

Roy Trenneman:
Yeah, yeah, it was a fire... At Sea Parks.

Moss:
[after a pause] Sea Parks?

Roy Trenneman:
Yeah.

Jen Barber:
With the...

Roy Trenneman:
With the whales and everything, yeah...

Moss:
A *fire*?

Roy Trenneman:
That's right. At the sea lion show, apparently.

Jen Barber:
Aren't those shows usually out in the open?

Roy Trenneman:
Well, yeah, I mean that's what I would've... Yeah.

Jen Barber:
Lots of water everywhere.

Roy Trenneman:
Yeah, I mean, I would imagine a whale need a lot of water. I don't think you can have whale in a place where there isn't a huge amount of water.

Jen Barber:
It just seem like a weird place to go on fire.

Roy Trenneman:
It's a *very* weird place to go on fire.

Roy Trenneman:
A fire at a Sea Parks. It's wrecked in my head. I mean, if she has said that her parent are drowned, I'd be the happiest man in the world. But, a fire?... At a Sea Parks?

Moss:
It's a Sea Parks, isn't it? You're building a Sea Parks out of mashed potatoes.

Moss:
There are twelve exits, Moss. Twelve exits! For only 200 people.

Moss:
You don't close encounters crazy, Roy. You need to let it go.

Roy Trenneman:
To have killed anyone the fire has to start, here, here, and here. And close in like this. But, how is it spreaded? There is no wood in a Sea Parks arena. And why there is no wood? Because it rots. And why does it rots? Because of all the water...

Roy Trenneman:
[to himself, while checking web pages about sea parks] Twelve exits. There are twelve exits!

Julia:
What are you doing?

Roy Trenneman:
[hastily closing a laptop]... What?

Julia:
What are you doing on the computer?

Roy Trenneman:
[after a pause]... Masturbating.

Roy Trenneman:
[with changed voice, playing with a sea park model] Oh, I'm so excited about the sea lion show. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome... Luigi... Joe... and, Slippery Pete. Oh, no. What's all these smoke?

Roy Trenneman:
[with normal voice] What smoke? Oh, yeah, smoke...

Jen:
Mr Reynholm, I dont need to remind you of the report that denounced Reynholm Industries as an institutionally sexist organisation.

Douglas:
Now you hold on a minute, sugar tits! Everyone saw through that report. I even got that award off those feminists. The one shaped like the ice cream fellow.

Jen:
That's a "Shithead of the Year" award.

Roy:
[Talking about The Godfather] Fredo, in the film, he was essentially a pimp.

Moss:
No, he took the ring to Mordor.

Moss:
Arggghhh. Woman ah? What are they? Who knows. Can't live with them, can't find them sometimes. What's going on in their little heads? Don't ask me! I'm not a flipping woman psychiatrist! But I have learned one or two things from conversations with my mother.

Moss:
Oh shut up Dumpo! The elephant that got dumped!

Douglas:
Damn that sorcerer! 20 gold pieces and I'm wankered on Rohypnol!

Douglas:
Pucker up boys. It's hammer time!

Maurice Moss:
[after sniffing Jen's drink] Why are you drinking rohypnol, Jen? Are you having problems with insomnia?

Narrator:
You wouldn't shoot a Policeman and then steal his helmet. You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet, and then send it to the Policeman's grieving widow, and then steal it again. Downloading films is stealing; if you do it you WILL face the consequences!

Jen:
[just got off the phone with Douglas's PA] Right, I'm off. Douglas is on his way down.

Roy:
So?

Jen:
Well, to be honest, he's been making advances. He keeps asking me if I want to go for a ride in his helicopter.

Roy:
I wanna go for a ride in the helicopter!

Jen:
Then grow a pair of tits.

Roy:
[more to himself] If I did have tits, I wouldn't mind letting someone have a go on them for a ride in a helicopter.

Douglas:
Ah, Jen. Good. Can I have a word with you?

Jen:
No, can't. Busy. Very busy. And I don't want to go for a ride in the helicopter.

Douglas:
OK, OK. That wasn't what I was going to ask actually.

Jen:
Oh?

Douglas:
Yes, it was something... work-related.

Jen:
What department is this?

Douglas:
[confused] Sorry?

Jen:
If it's work-related, you'll know what department this is. What department is this?

Douglas:
[looks around at Moss and Roy] Some sort of... homosexual department?

Roy:
If two grown men can't make a pervert happy for a few minutes in order to watch a film about zombies, then maybe we should all just move to Iran!

Roy:
If two grown men can't make a pervert happy for a few minutes in order to watch a film about zombies, then maybe we should all just move to Iran.

Roy:
If two grown men can't make a pervert happy for a few minutes in order to watch a film about zombies then maybe we should all just move to Iran!

Roy:
People, what a bunch of bastards.

Moss:
I totally pimped your phone, girlfriend!

Douglas:
Ah! The IT-department. Run by a dynamic go-getter, a genius and a man from Ireland.

Moss:
[returning from floor 7] Unbelievable. Some brainiac disabled his firewall which means that all of the computers on floor 7 are teeming with viruses, plus, I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs because the lift is broken *again!*

Jen:
[upset] Oh my God.

Roy:
What?

Jen:
Oh my God!

Roy:
What, wha-what is it?

Jen:
Denholm's dead!

Moss:
Oh yes, and Denholm's dead!

Jen:
You brush your teeth in the bath?

Roy:
Yeah, so?

Jen:
Thats where your balls are.

Maurice Moss:
When I was 11 I broke the patio window and my mum sued me.

Jen Barber:
She sued you?

Maurice Moss:
Yeah, to teach me a lesson. She's always been an aggressive litigator.

Roy:
Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless.

Moss:
Ah, well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame set at gas mark 'egg on your face'! [pause] I sort of forget what I was talking about.

Roy:
How do you feel? You feel ready?

Moss:
My middle name is ready. No, that doesn't sound right. I eat ready for breakfast.

Maurice Moss:
I would use my robot hand for good!

Maurice Moss:
Whereabouts on the ass did he kiss you?

Jen:
[Jen is telling the others to try to make a good impression on the other guests] Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody, you know; nothing about memory or RAM.

Moss:
Memory *is* RAM! Ha! Oh Dear!

Roy:
File Peter. So that would be... Peter File.

Moss:
Who's a paedophile?

Roy:
No no, his name is Peter File.

Moss:
His name is Paedophile?

Roy:
[Jen has just described how she met her new boyfriend] Buying the same kind of cheese. You made a 20 minute story out of it. Have you thought of adapting it into a film?

Moss:
I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk.

Moss:
Good morning, that's a nice tnetennba.

Roy:
[shouts] I'm not a window cleaner.

Prime:
First rule of Street Countdown. Is that you really must try and tell as many people as possible about it. It's a rather fun game and the more people you tell about it the better.

Prime:
[to Moss] A fan of tiny biscuits. You are full of surprises.

Prime:
[about Moss] Eighteen letters. I've never seen so many. He is The One.

Rachel Riley:
[to Moss] Someone reminded me earlier, you haven't actually yet got a word less than eight letters long. It's quite extraordinary.

Himself - Countdown Host:
[to Moss] You really do look like you're on you way to winning that Countdown Teapot... no offence Jeremy.

Prime:
[to Roy] Countdown groupies are the most sexually voracious of all groupies, and the most beautiful.

Ivana:
[to Roy] Will I see you tonight?

Moss:
Not now, Ivana.

Roy:
Did you have sex with that lady?

Moss:
If you call that mindless animalist rutting sex, then yes. I supposed we did.

Roy:
That sounds like sex.

Roy:
[On the phone] Listen, Alistair, I just wanted to say, I'm not a window cleaner. No, no, I work in IT. Yeah, yeah, with computers and all that. Macs? No, I just really work with Windows. Hello?

Moss:
[why they don't answer the door at home] This is London, Jen. It's not someone with cake. Unless that cake is made of dog poo and knives!

Roy:
I used to work as a waiter. If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.

Jen:
Oh, my God. Before you brought it to their table?

Roy:
[sarcastically] No, after. [seriously] Of course, before! Why would I do it after?

Jessica:
I don't think that's Elton John.

Moss:
What the heck is Tapas?

Jen:
You know Tapas, tiny food from Spain.

Moss:
Oh yes tape-as.

Jen:
Yeah, that's not how you say it.

Moss:
Oh yes it is.

Jen:
You're a tape ass!

Elton John:
#Small Paul you're gone now / You pushed that trolley a little too hard / You felt the twinge, it was your heart / And you're dead now / And though you were only four feet eleven / There's no height restrictions on the gates of heaven / You're no longer around, you're in the ground / We're all the same height when we're lying down.#

Roy Trenneman:
Moss, have you seen this video of the baby speaking French?

Maurice Moss:
It went viral at 10.30, Roy. Of course I've seen it.

Roy Trenneman:
I must have been in the toilet.

Roy Trenneman:
Small people are not a race. This isn't Game of Thrones!

Roy Trenneman:
And now Anonymous are after us. Well that's just ideal.

Jen Barber:
Oh, bunch of nerds sitting at their computer. What can they do?

Roy Trenneman:
We pissed off the internet, Jen! The internet is coming to get us!

Jen Barber:
Well let's get it before it gets us.

Roy Trenneman:
I don't want Anonymous after me, I'm in Anonymous. I think...

Maurice Moss:
Oh, Jen, exciting news. I've just uploaded the second episode of my board games review show. Care to have a look?

Jen Barber:
That was fast... Seems like only yesterday we had to sit through the last one.

Maurice Moss:
It was three months ago, Jen.

Jen Barber:
Really? It feels like... it feels like it just happened. Roy, did you hear that? Moss has done his board game review show again.

Roy Trenneman:
I'm not watching that. I'm not watching that again. Jesus Christ! We don't have to watch it, do we? We only sat through the first one the other day.

Jen Barber:
It was three months ago.

Roy Trenneman:
My God! Wow. It feels like it just ended. It was so boring. It was like being insane. It was so insanely boring.

Douglas Reynholm:
I wasn't always this way. There was a time when I was just like you. But then I discovered the secret. And, Ross, I'm going to tell you what that secret is. But you must keep it to yourself.

Maurice Moss:
I will take my ears to the grave.

Douglas Reynholm:
Two words. Women's slacks

Maurice Moss:
I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.

Douglas Reynholm:
[laughing] Book recommendation? I can't read. Yeah, I don't know what it is, but women's slacks give me the confidence I need to survive in a tough business world. They're lighter, airier and less constrictive than men's trousers. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't make me a transvestite.

Roy Trenneman:
Hey, I'll have you know that Alice is nuts about me. She thinks that I'm emotionally artistic.

Jen Barber:
Well, what does that mean?

Roy Trenneman:
Um, well, she said that emotionally, I was on the artistic spectrum. I think it means that I'm creative about my feelings, you know?

Jen Barber:
Autistic! She said, "Autistic." That's what happened.

Roy Trenneman:
No, I don't... I don't think so.

Jen Barber:
There's no "artistic spectrum".

Roy Trenneman:
No, it didn't go well, Jen. It didn't go well at all. I mean, thanks for asking, but no, it's wasn't a success. This wasn't a successful funeral for me.

Jen Barber:
Didn't have the required gravitas?

Roy Trenneman:
Gravitas? No no. Wasn't very dignified. It wasn't dignified at all, Jen! If I had to pick a word to describe Pip Pop's final journey to the grave, it would be "funny."

Jen:
'Cradle Of Filth'? I presume that's a band.

Richmond:
Hmm.

Jen:
It's not literally a cradle of filth.

Richmond:
Ooh, no! That would be horrible!

Jen:
How come you never see Goths driving cars?

Richmond:
Oh, we drive cars. We're just like you really, except we listen to Cradle of Filth.

Jen:
Can I ask you two a question?

Roy:
Please, Christ, yes!

Moss:
Wait, wait, one moment. Wait. [goes to computer] OK, go.

Jen:
How can you two live like this?

Moss:
"How can you two...

Roy:
Don't Google the question, Moss!

Moss:
Richmond's-out-of-his-room-he's-not-in-his-room-he's-supposed-to-be-in-his-room-why-is-he-out-of-his-room?

Moss:
Jiminy! Jones! Look, the nature of the thing that is happening has changed slightly, rendering it yet more interesting!

Moss:
Notice anything?

Roy:
What?

Moss:
Guess.

Roy:
Your eyes? Something wrong with your eyes.

Moss:
What? No, I have a new cup. What's wrong with my eyes?

Roy:
It's not very distinctive, is it? How's anyone supposed to know it's yours?

Moss:
There's a picture of me on it.

Roy:
...No there isn't!

Moss:
Yes, there is.

Roy:
No, there isn't Moss.

Moss:
Yes, there is. I am sick of my things going walkabout. With this picture, everyone knows that a certain Mr Moss might be looking for his cup.

Roy:
There is nothing on the cup!

Moss:
Wrangle with him, and you will find your hands full, my friend.

Roy:
Wrangle with who? There's no one there!

[a few minutes later]

Moss:
Ask me where it is.

Roy:
Where what is?

Moss:
The picture.

Roy:
OK. Where's the picture, Moss?

Moss:
It's on the base, Roy.

Roy:
What is that?

Jen:
Goat's cheese salad.

Roy:
Ugh! Ohhh!

Jen:
You don't like goat's cheese?

Roy:
I don't like goat's anything. I don't like goats being involved in any stage of the food production process.

Moss:
Would I blow everyone's mind if I ate dessert first?

Jen:
What are you eating anyway?

Roy:
It's a bucket of fried chicken. And it comes in a real bucket.

Roy:
You can't upset the harmony of the place.

Jen:
Harmony? What harmony?

Roy:
I know that the place looks like a bit of a mess but its actually a very delicate ecosystem.

Moss:
Ecosystem [makes circular motion with hands]

Roy:
Everything is connected.

Moss:
Connected [mimes being connected]

Roy:
It's like the rainforest.

Moss:
Much like the rainforest [mimes rain falling]

Roy:
You change one thing...

Moss:
[holds up one finger]

Roy:
...even the tiniest bit, and the whole rainforest dies.

Moss:
[mimes hanging himself]

Moss:
Roy's stuck under a desk.

Jen:
Stuck under a desk?

Moss:
Yes, that is an unusual text isn't it, it isn't just me.

Moss:
[laughing] Oh, dear me.

Jen:
What are you laughing at?

Moss:
This flipping circuit board, Jen. Some chump has run the data lines right through the power supply. Amateur hour! I've got tears in my eyes!

Jen:
[Denholm laughs at a cup of tea] Hello, Denholm.

Denholm:
Hi Jen, I'm just enjoying this cup of tea. [Keeps laughing] Brilliant!

Jen:
[Moss is laughing and Jen starts giggling too] What are you laughing at?

Moss:
This flipping circuit board, Jen. Some chump has run the data lines right through the power supply. Amateur hour! I've got tears in my eyes! [Jen turns away]

Richmond:
[Explaining what he's seen while at work] And this one, flash, flash, flash, then wait for it. Nothing for awhile. Here it comes. Double flash!

Jen:
Wow, it's obvious you're going mad.

Moss:
You best put seat belts on your ears, Roy, 'cause I'm going to take them for the ride of their life!

Jen:
Roy, let's start with you. When you're upstairs fiddling about with computers, would it hurt to smile? Don't you realise what difference that would make? Come on, let's see a smile now. [Roy attempts a smile] No, more warmth. Warmer. No, you're just showing more teeth. That's not warmth. I would say that's more of a threatening look actually. I'll tell you what, keep at it. That's your homework. Now, Moss.

Moss:
So, what's your speech going to be about?

Jen:
What speech?

Moss:
Every employee of the month has to give a speech on their area of expertise.

Roy:
Which for you is computers.

Jen:
Where do I have...

Moss:
At the monthly shareholders meeting.

Jen:
When do I...

Moss:
Friday.

Jen:
What time...

Moss:
Morning.

Roy:
[Roy grins and points to his mouth] How's that?

Jen:
[Moss has a small plastic box with a flashing light] What is it?

Moss:
This, Jen, is the Internet.

Jen:
What?

Moss:
That's right.

Jen:
This is the Internet? The whole Internet?

Moss:
Yep. I asked for a loan of it so that you could use it in your speech.

Jen:
It's so small.

Moss:
That's one of the surprising things about it.

Jen:
Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything.

Moss:
It's wireless.

Jen:
Oh, yes, everything's wireless nowadays, isn't it... yeah. So, I can really use it in my speech? What if someone needs it?

Moss:
Oh, no, no, people will still be able to go online and everything. It will still work.

Jen:
Oh, good, good...

Moss:
I tell you, you present this to the shareholders and you will get quite the response.

Jen:
Can I touch it? It's so light!

Moss:
Of course it is, Jen. The Internet doesn't weigh anything.

Jen:
No, of course it doesn't. [laughs nervously]

Roy:
Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet?

Jen:
Moss said I could use it for my speech.

Roy:
Are you insane? What if she drops it?

Jen:
I won't drop it, I'll look after it.

Roy:
No. No, no, no, no, Jen. No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben.

Jen:
Big Ben?

Moss:
Yep. It goes on top of Big Ben. That's where you get the best reception.

Moss:
Roy, I spoke to the Elders of the Internet not one hour ago. I told them about Jen winning Employee of the Month and they were so impressed that they wanted to do whatever they could to help.

Jen:
Wait a minute. The "Elders of the Internet"? The Elders of the Internet know who I am? You've got to let me have it!

Roy:
No, Jen, I'm sorry. It's just too risky.

Jen:
Oh, please, Roy!

Roy:
Well... Moss, has it been completely demagnetised?

Moss:
By Stephen Hawking himself. Who sends his congratulations, by the way.

Roy:
Well, if it's okay with The Hawk...

Douglas:
[after being punched by April, who used to be a man] You bastard!

Douglas:
Well, I'm the boss... Head Honcho. El Numero Uno. Mr. Big. The Godfather. Lord of the Rings. The Bourne... Identity. Er... Taxi Driver. Jaws. I forgot the question quite a while back. Who are you, again?

Jen:
What is it?

Moss:
This, Jen, [indicating a small, plain, black box with a single flashing light on top] is the internet.

Moss:
There's nothing sexual about it, I mean I like Roy, but I'm not "Curious".

Roy:
I'm disabled!

Roy:
HEY! I just won 450 quid playing poker!

Moss:
[unimpressed] Well done.

Roy:
Saw that one coming, Mikey73. That's my rent sorted this month. Ooh, and I can buy that new... Oh no, I've lost it all again.

Jen:
So, what brings you to my lair? Not that I'm some sort of animal. Or, or maybe I am.

Philip:
[to Jen] I don't suppose you'd like to come to the theatre tomorrow night, maybe?

Moss:
I'd be delighted.

Jen:
He means me, Moss.

Moss:
He was looking at me.

Jen:
No he wasn't.

Moss:
I think he was.

Jen:
You're not even in his eyeline.

Moss:
Philip? Who were you talking to? Me or Jen?

Philip:
You like the theatre?

Moss:
Never been. But I've always liked the idea of the theatre. The smell of the grease, the roar of the paint. I've often thought if I hadn't ended up in computers, I would've gone into the theatre.

Philip:
But you've never been to see a play?

Moss:
No.

Philip:
Why not?

Moss:
[shrugs] Never had the interest.

Roy:
[talking about Philip] It's just, I don't know many heterosexual men who read Heat.

Jen:
So, what? He's gay? Just because he reads Heat magazine?

Roy:
Hmmm, well, he's either gay or a woman in her early twenties.

Jen:
No, no no no no no no. Why else would he ask me out on a date?

Roy:
Are you sure he meant it as a date-date? Are you sure you're not going along as his 'gal pal'?

Moss:
If you're talking about who I think you're talking about, then the answer is yes. He is gay.

Jen:
How do you know?

Moss:
Oh, everyone knows. And what's more, he's been gay since WHAM.

Jen:
Why else would he ask me out?

Moss:
Well, don't take this the wrong way, but could he have thought you were a man?

Jen:
Oh for God's sake, are you gay? Are you a gay man?

Philip:
No!

Jen:
Are you?

Philip:
No!

Jen:
No, brilliant, good. That's all I wanted to know. I don't mind one way or the other, you know, I just like being clear. I don't want any ambiguity.

Philip:
What on earth made you think I was gay?

Jen:
Well, you know, I can just pull it out of the air. You know, you just brought me to a gay musical, called 'Gay'. You're laughing like mad at every gay reference. Your friends... ALL of whom are gay say hello by tickling you.

Philip:
Jen, what century are you living in? Do you think a man has to be gay to like a gay musical? Can a straight man not have homosexual friends? And since when was tickling gay? I missed that meeting. Jen, Jen, come here [hugs her]

Jen:
I'm sorry, I guess you just threw me when you borrowed our copy of Heat.

Philip:
[bursts into tears] Oh God, it's true! It's true, I'm gay! I'm a gay man. I tried to hide from it and deny it, but I can't, I can't, I can't. Oh Jen, what am I gonna do? I thought I could make it work between us coz you looked a bit like a man!

Richmond:
Hey, where are you lot off to?

Moss:
Oh look, Richmond's still alive.

Roy:
[looking at a promotional poster] A gay musical... called "Gay". That's quite gay. Gay musical... Aren't all musicals gay? This must be, like, the gayest musical ever made.

Richmond:
An ill wind is blowing. Last night I was stirred from my slumber by a crow calling three times. Caw... caw... well you know what a crow sounds like. Passing to my window, I trod on a piece of lego. Oh, it went right in the heel. Turning on my television set, I noticed the reception wasn't great. Not terrible, just not great. Hear me well, no good can come of your trip to the theatre tonight, no good at all. And if you ask me... [turns around and notices that everybody's gone] That's just bloody rude. Where's my Heat?

Roy:
I'm disabled

Roy:
[Repeated] I'm disabled!

Douglas:
[Douglas gets electrocuted] HELLS TEETH! They're just cars! I'm not aroused! God DAMN these electric sex pants!

Jen:
ICH. BIN. EIN. NERD!

Douglas:
[to Moss] You there, computer man. Fix my pants.

Moss:
I beg your pardon.

Douglas:
Pull down my trousers and do your job.

Douglas:
God-damn these electric sex pants!

Moss:
Chairman Wow! You just diffused that entire situation!

Jen:
What situation? Oh oh oh that yeah. Oh my god, does that happen alot?

Moss:
They're fairly regular the beatings, yes. I'd say we're on a Bi-weekly beating

Moss:
[picks up phone] Hello, IT? Yah-hah? Have you tried forcing an expected reboot? You see the driver hooks the function by patching the system call table, so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in there and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory.

[laughs]

Moss:
Hello?

Jen:
Hang on, guys. [Typing on computer] How can I help?

Roy:
Well, we were just wondering now that you're 'the boss', would you like us to access the data supply and connect you up to the matrix?

Jen:
[pause] You just made all that up.

Roy:
[shouting] You don't know anything about computers! Admit it!

Jen:
Would you stop trying to undermine me? Now get in there and do some work to do with computers! I'll be in there in a minute to check up on you! [Moss goes under her desk]

Roy:
OK, lady! You've won this round! But we can wait. You will slip up one day. And believe you me, we will be there when you do. There will be some piece of evidence that will prove without any shadow of a doubt that you don't know anything about computers!

Jen:
[to Moss] What are you doing?

Moss:
Plugging in your computer.

Roy:
[Not realising Moss has found Jen's computer unplugged] It might be something you say, or something you do, but when we notice it - and believe me, we will notice it - it's gonna be a long way down for you, sweetcheeks! [Leaves Jen's office]

Moss:
He'll realise in a second.

Roy:
[Runs back into Jen's office and screams with delight] . Aaahhh!

[repeated line]

Roy:
[whenever he answers the phone] Hello. IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Moss:
But Roy you've got a headwound that... HEADWOUND!

Denholm:
Team! Team, team, team, team, team! I even love saying the word "team"! You probably think that's a picture of my family. Uh uh. It's the A-Team!

Moss:
Why are you giving me the secret signal to shut up?

Roy:
[answers phone] Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? Ugh, OK, well the button on the side, is it glowing?... Yeah, you need to turn it on. Erm, the button turns it on. Yeah, you... you do know how a button works don't you? No, not on clothes.

Moss:
[answers other phone] Hello, IT. Yeah-ha. Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?

Roy:
[still on phone] No, there you go. No, there you go. I just heard it come on. No no, that's the music you hear when it comes on. No that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry are you from the past?

Moss:
[still on phone] See. the driver hooks the function by patching the system call table, so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory... Hello? [puts phone down]

Roy:
[still on phone] Oh really? Really? Well, why don't you come down here and make me, then? What? You think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you. You can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for you! [hangs up phone] That told her.

Roy:
[posh accent] Yes, I believe it was Tolstoy who said... Oh, it appears we have a visitor. I'm sorry, myself and Maurice were engaged in quite a serious discussion about books and such. We didn't hear you come in.

Moss:
Wait a second. You said it was Tolstoy who said what?

Roy:
Oh, never mind that now, Maurice.

Moss:
When have you read Tolstoy?

Roy:
Shut up, Maurice

Moss:
Why are you speaking in that weird voice? When did...? I don't remember this conversation AT ALL.

Moss:
I just went in and she was having a pretend conversation.

Roy:
Really?

Moss:
Yes. She's a little bit weird, to say the least. [sprays his ear with a small aerosol attached to his belt]

Roy:
What's that?

Moss:
Oh, it's just water. Sometimes I get a hot ear, and this helps cool it down. She is quite the oddball.

Roy:
OK, so here's the plan.

Moss:
A plan. Let me put on my slightly larger glasses. [puts on slightly larger glasses] OK, hit me.

Roy:
OK, we go in.

Moss:
When?

Roy:
You know, like, in a minute.

Moss:
Will that be enough time for me to get to know the plan?

Roy:
Yeah, you know what? I shouldn't have used the word "plan". I've clearly gotten you overexcited.

Moss:
Would scheme be a better word? Although that's just as exciting. I might even need these [puts on even larger glasses]

Denholm:
[answers phone] Hello? What? Well if you can't work as a team you're all fired. That's it, you heard me, fired! Get your things and go. [redials phone] Hello, security? Everyone on floor 4 is fired. Escort them from the premises. And do it as a team. Remember, you're a team and if you can't act as a team, you're fired too. [redials phone] Dom, get on to recruitment. Get them to look for a security team that can work as a team. They may have to escort the current security team from the building for not acting like a team.

Denholm:
I hope this doesn't embarrass you, Jen, but I findd the best thing to do with a new employee is to size them up with a long, hard stare... [stares at her for about 20 seconds]... so!

Jen:
So?

Denholm:
First day?

Jen:
Yes.

Denholm:
Scary.

Jen:
Yes...

Denholm:
Don't be scared!

Jen:
Well, I'm not really scared.

Denholm:
You should be!

Jen:
Well, I'm a little bit scared!

Denholm:
Don't be!

Jen:
Make up your mind!

Denholm:
[laughs shortly] So here you are.

Roy:
[On the phone] Oh really? Why don't you come down here and make me that? Huh? Do you think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you! You can come down here anytime and I'll be waiting for ya! [Hangs up phone] I told her!

Moss:
[On the phone] Hello, IT. Ya ha? Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?

Jen:
Unisex toilets? You have unisex toiletts. Like Ally McBeal.

[Goes into toilet room. Sees a couple making out, rushes out again]

Denholm:
That's the sort of place this is, Jen. A lot of sexy people, not doing much work and having affairs!

Roy:
Oh God, it's about time you got back. It's been all go.

Moss:
You had a job?

Roy:
Girl of fifth.

Moss:
Did you and her hit it off?

Roy:
Define "hit if off".

Moss:
Did she continue talking to you once you fixed her computer?

Roy:
No. And while I was working on it she rested a cup on my back.

Moss:
No!

Roy:
Yeah!

[Turns around and shows stains of coffee cup on his back]

Moss:
Unbelievable!

Roy:
Yeah, I mean they have no respect for us up there! No respect whatsoever! We're all just drudgeons to them!

Moss:
Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them.

Roy:
It's like they're pally-wally when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed...

Moss:
...they toss us away like yesterday's jam!

Roy:
Yes! Yesterday's jam! That's what we are to them.

[Phone rings, Roy picks it up, but before answering he tells Moss]

Roy:
Actually, you know, that doesn't really work, as a thing, because jam lasts for ages.

Denholm:
Team! Team, team, team, team, team. I even love saying the word 'team'. You probably think this is a picture of my family? No! It's a picture of The A-Team. Bodie, Doyle, Tiger, the Jewellery Man.

Roy:
I mean, they have no respect for us up there! No respect whatsoever! We're all just drudgeons to them!

Moss:
Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them.

Roy:
It's like they're pally-wally with us when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed...

Moss:
They just toss us away like yesterday's jam.

Roy:
Yes! Yesterday's jam. That is what we are to them!... Actually, that doesn't work, as a thing, because, you know, jam lasts for ages.