The L Word

Alice:
[sitting down in a cafe to enjoy a nice afternoon with one another because The Planet is closed] Does she know that we're having coffee?

Dana:
Um... She's in New Port beach with her family. [Alice nods]

Dana:
No... no she doesn't know but, I'm not hiding it.

Alice:
Well, if she was at the beach we could have met at your place, like the good old days. [waves fist in the air]

Dana:
But, we have rules and we're trying to follow them. [looking down at the table, or anywhere else that's not Alice's face]

Alice:
Does that mean that you're finding it difficult? [also looking away from Dana]

Dana:
No... no not at all, you?

Alice:
Piece of cake. [they look at each other and smile]

Dana:
[apologizing to Lara] Can I please try again? I really want to try again. Can I?

Lara Perkins:
One thing.

Dana:
[holding back tears] Anything.

Lara Perkins:
You have to start taking at least take some steps towards being out.

Dana:
I will.

Lara Perkins:
Because you're going to be miserable being in the closet.

Dana:
I know.

Lara Perkins:
And you are really, really gay.

Dana:
[almost laughing] I know.

Lara Perkins:
And it's one of the things I like so much about you. If you hide that, you're hiding the best part. [they kiss]

Kit Porter:
Let me talk to Tina.

Bette:
What would you say?

Kit Porter:
That my sister is a pootie chasin' dog, who deserves to be tied down and whupped upside the head, but it doesn't change the fact that she loves you more than she loves her own life. And that you should finish punishing her and get back to figuring on how to live with one another for the next 50 years or more.

Bette:
You could give it a try. [Goes to take a bite of food, and stops, looking as if she's about to cry]

Kit Porter:
Now don't you go and pull a Marina on me now.

Alice:
Dana. [short pause] You have a really nice ass. [slowly moves her hand and touches Dana's ass]

[they start having rough sex with '80s pop music in background]

Alice:
[talking about admitting that they are attracted to each other] Well, we just took the first step, we took the power out of it.

Dana:
[they slow down their stretching and begin to stare at each other. Dana kinda snaps out of it] I think we need to take the second step. [and jogs off]

Alice:
[nodding] Yeah, okay.

Alice:
[little bit later on] We need to counteract it. We just need to avoid all situations where we find each other most attractive.

Dana:
Mm-hmm.

Alice:
We need, like... rules of un-attraction.

Dana:
Okay, like never be alone together, in places like the bathroom at The Planet.

Alice:
Right! Never be alone together.

Dana:
Especially never be alone together... in places where's there's like a bed or a couch.

Alice:
Right, or - or - a table.

Alice:
Or a floor... [Dana smiles]

Alice:
Or the backseat of a car.

Dana:
[smiling] Ooh, that'd be good. [catching herself] That *wouldn't* be good!

Alice:
Okay, you need to stop showing up at The Planet after you've worked out, when you're all sweaty and your veins are all popping all over the place.

Dana:
You like that?

Dana:
[Alice raises her eyebrows and looks at Dana like duh!] Tonya hates that. Alright, well then you can't wear those shirts any more.

Alice:
What shirts?

Dana:
You know, the ones where... [grinning] they cling to you in some places and fall off you in others?

Dana:
[Alice has a huge grin on her face. Dana kind of rolls her eyes] F*** you.

Alice:
Okay, that's *totally* against the rules.

[Jenny and Annette are in the bathroom at Tim's house having a light conversation about Jenny's affair. Jenny is on the floor sipping a cup of water, while Annette gets ready in the mirror]

Annette:
So Jen... were you always a lesbian?

Jenny:
[Takes a sip of water] I never said I was a lesbian.

Annette:
So it just came outta no where and bit you on the ass like that? Cause I mean... I love women... yeah I mean, for the companionship. I figure I could do without the company of men entirely except dude [turns to Jenny] I can't get down with the puss... I love a dick.

Jenny:
I think I'm bisexual.

Annette:
Oh brother...

Jenny:
[interrupting] I do... I really do.

Annette:
Jenny, is this just your way of telling me that you had a crush on me in college?

Jenny:
Annette... [gets serious]... no.

Annette:
[smiling] You're lying... You were madly in love with me. [Turns back to the mirror] Well I gotta get a look at this Marina, to see if she's worth it...

Jenny:
[smiling] no...

Annette:
yeah

Jenny:
Oh no...

Annette:
Yeah... no we gotta stalk her, no we gotta stalker her jenny just a little bit so I can see.

Jenny:
no, no, no... no stalking

Annette:
Why?

Jenny:
Because... um... her girlfriend's back in town.

Annette:
Her Girlfriend!

Jenny:
I know...

Annette:
Man, does this story get any better?

Bette:
[Bette and Tina are talking on the phone] And you know who's responsible for this? Your buddy Helena Peabody. The woman is a f***ing dragon and she's making my life a living hell. [Tina doesn't respond. Instead, she looks around impatiently, no longer looking interested in the call] Oh, please tell me you're not sleeping with her, Tina.

Tina:
[frustrated] Bette.

Bette:
Are you sleeping with her? Are you f***ing sleeping with her?

Tina:
It's none of your f***ing business.

Bette:
Don't do it, Tina, that woman will eat you alive. She is a vampire.

Tina:
Yeah, and a dragon.

Bette:
That's right. She is a monster. However you wanna categorize it, she likes to f*** with people for sport and...

Betty:
[intro song] Girls in tight dresses / Who drag with mustaches / Chicks drivin' fast / Ingenues with long lashes/ Women who long, love, lust / Women who give. / This is the way / it's the way that we live. [guitar riff] Talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, f***ing crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, dreaming. / This is the way / it's the way that we live / It's the way that we liiiiiiiiiiiive. [drum solo] And love.

Alice:
Cold in the streets, hot in the sheets

Moira Sweeney:
[to Jenny] If you think that men are the enemy, then you and I are going to have a serious problem.

Alice:
We need like, rules of un-attraction.

Shane:
That's the cycle of life. We start out eating baby food and wearing a diaper and we go out that way.

Shane:
Guys, my cousins did this for my uncle Bill and he hasn't had a drop to drink since they put him in a straight jacket and hauled him off to rehab. I swear.

Dana:
Slander against cats. Write that down.

Jenny:
Are you thinking about having sex with me right now?

Moira:
It's crossed my mind...

Alice:
I'm Alice Pieszecki and you're listening to the chart on KCRW. Welcome back. Tonight we are talking about the connection between love and the senses.

[short pause]

Alice:
Your lover kisses you, and you feel a tremor in the back of your knees. The synapses fire sending orders, move your legs move your arms... she's the one for you, she's the... girl of your dreams, she's your one and only. And you know because... the smell of her makes your head swim because you get a physical jolt every time she sends a glance your way. I mean she touches you here

[puts hand on lower neck]

Alice:
and you feel it... here

[touches inner thigh]

Alice:
You touch her... anywhere, and you feel it... everywhere. And then... boom. It's six months later and she's... touching someone else. And you might say "Hey... All relationships end, lovers leave, leaving a labyrinth of... heartache and betrayal. For example, my first boyfriend left me for a voluptuous... former lesbian named April, who I then wound up having a rebound affair with, but... We could also talk about Gabbi. Otherwise known as lesbian ex of point of origin for an entire geographical substratum of lesbian linkages. Including... Lara. Yes that same Lara, we love her... Lara the larcenist... Lara the liberator. Lara the, the new true love of... of Dana

[takes out and opens a bottle of pills]

Alice:
...and, yeah, I mean Dana who told me she needed... she needed closure, closure with Lara.

[pause]

Alice:
Well, it's six months later... and I'm still waiting for it to close.

[on her relationship with Anjelica]

Alice:
I'm her Earth-mother. I guess I'd be her godmother, except I don't believe in God.

[Jenny's stepfather orders her out of the house after catching her and Moira having sex]

Jenny:
You've wanted me out ever since I got here! What's the matter, Warren? Am I too *f***ed up* for you! Huh? Am I too *perverted* for you!

Stepfather:
I don't know what more we can do.

Jenny:
Nothing. There is nothing more you can do for me to make me the person you are comfortable with.

Social Worker:
What about men?

Bette Porter:
[surprised] Men?

Tina Kennard:
You do know that we're lesbians, right?

Carmen de la Pica Morales:
[trying to get Shane's to try on the dress] Please, for me. Come on.

Mercedes Morales:
[seeing Shane's dress] Oh, my goodness. That is so pretty.

Helena Peabody:
[on the phone] I'm buying a movie studio, Alice.

Alice:
[on the phone] That's great. But I really can't talk right now.

Dr. Farber:
Alright, listen... The guiding principle here is that we are trying to rekindle the sexual spark in this long-term relationship. And Mama T and Mama B do not make mad, passionate love to one another; they make cookies.

[Tina hasn't told Bette about the baby]

Alice:
I mean, she's GOTTA know. Is she f***ing blind?

Bette Porter:
Did you know that Tina is pregnant?

Jenny Schecter:
Yeah. Bette you didn't know? Oh my GOD how did you not know?

Bette Porter:
Because I am the biggest f***ing a**hole in the universe, I guess that's how! Because I am just some huge cosmological joke, is what I am!

Jenny Schecter:
No you're not. Okay. Tina obviously must have gone out of her way to keep this a secret from you.

Bette Porter:
She must hate me. She must actually f***ing hate me.

Jenny Schecter:
No she doesn't hate you.

[Bette makes a toast]

Bette Porter:
Dana... Tanya. I lift my glass to caring, kindness, and trust, and longevity, and respect. To all the things that you will need to keep your love alive. I wish you happiness. And I hope you forever spare each other pain. [long pause, smiling, holding back tears] And if you find that isn't possible, then I wish you forgiveness. [drinks]

[Bette walks out without looking at Tina while Tina watches Bette leave]

Alice:
[as Bette is describing a stroller that seemingly does everything] Does it do the dishes?

Bette:
No, just your taxes.

Shane:
[laughs] I like a girl with ambition.

Carmen de la Pica Morales:
[also laughs] F*** you!

Shane:
Okay, if you want. [they kiss]

Bette:
[entering the bathroom] Baby, are you okay?

Tina:
[smiles] I think my water just broke. Oh my God.

Bette:
[calls the hospital] Hi Davina, it's Bette Porter, I am in the bathroom of the Wiltern theater with Tina and a huge puddle of water.

Peggy Peabody:
I hope you girls write fabulous, sick, neurotic, tortured love poems to one another.

Bette:
[smiling] I'm actually working on several right now.

Peggy Peabody:
Send me one, would you, Bette?

Jodi:
[to Bette] Yes, I f***ed her. But it didn't work. Every time I looked at her, my head filled with pictures of you. Her skin didn't feel as soft as yours. I didn't like the way she touched me. And her kiss... didn't make my head spin the way yours does. You've ruined me for anybody else.

Tina Kennard:
Speaking of freakish, look at Jenny's new assistant.

Alice Pieszecki:
Well, you kind of have to admire her a little bit.

Tina Kennard:
It's gross! There's something wrong with that girl!

[Bette and Tina are talking on the phone]

Bette Porter:
And you know who's responsible for this? Your buddy Helena Peabody. That woman's a f***ing dragon, and she's making my life a living hell.

[Tina does not respond]

Bette Porter:
Oh, please don't tell me you're sleeping with her.

Tina:
Bette...

Bette Porter:
[frustrated tone] Are you sleeping with her? Are you f***ing sleeping with her?

Tina:
It's none of your f***ing business!

Bette Porter:
Don't do it, Tina. That woman will eat you alive. She's a vampire.

Tina:
[sarcastic] Yeah, and a dragon.

Bette Porter:
That's right. She's a monster! However you want to categorize it, she likes to f*** people for sport and...

Tina:
And you don't? Like that time with Candace?

Alice:
[whispering in Dana's ear] I want you to f*** me really hard with a strap-on.

[to Alice about using a strap-on]

Dana:
Is it a bisexual thing? You tryin' to have your cake and eat your p*ssy too?

Tonya:
[Dana and Tonya have gone to see Dana's parents to get their blessing for the wedding] Sharon... I was engaged once before, I don't know if Dana ever told you.

Sharon Fairbanks:
No, she didn't.

Tonya:
Well... it was with a man. His name was Bayard. He was smart and successful... he was a real estate lawyer. He was totally in love with me. Now, I tried really hard to make that one work. But every night I would wake up in the middle of the night, crying. And one night, Bayard woke up and he found me like that. Do you know what he did?

Irwin Fairbanks:
Damned if I do.

Tonya:
He got down on one knee, and he said, "Tonya, will you not marry me? Because I know what's in your heart. And I love you too much to make you unhappy. Be true to yourself Tonya. Follow your heart".

[Sharon begins to cry and Dana and Tonya hug her]

[first lines]

Jenny Schecter:
Stacey! Stacey!

Nadia:
[seeing Bette rub her shoulder] Do you have a knot? Do you want me to unlock it?

Bette Porter:
Uh... it... it's okay. No, really, it's fine.

Nadia:
[rubbing Bette's shoulders anyway] Oh, wow. You are really tight. God, do you feel that? It's right there.

Bette Porter:
[whispering] Nadia, please...

Nadia:
Do you want me to find you a body worker? Because, oh my gosh, I have the most amazing Ayurvedic healer, and he, he went so deep...

Bette Porter:
I, uh, I'd prefer a woman. [Bette's embarrassed and realizes what she just blurted out]

Nadia:
[a beat] Well. That can be arranged, Dean Porter.

Bette Porter:
I just need to find out, uh, what conferences C.U. has hosted. I know that we did the Global Sustainability last August...

Nadia:
Where Dr. Gorsham sustained multiple hickeys from his two teaching assistants.

Bette Porter:
You mean he slept with both of them?

Nadia:
Don't be shocked. It happens all the time.

Bette Porter:
Well, that doesn't make it acceptable.

Nadia:
No, but we're all adults, Bette. I mean, in a cloistered environment like a university, it would be absurd to think that there weren't relationships between faculty and students.

Dick Petersen:
Does he have any allergies, any learning disabilities, psychological problems...?

Shane McCutcheon:
[to Shay] Do you? [Shay just shrugs to the principal] Nah, doubt it.

Jenny Schecter:
Why are you applying for a job as a receptionist?

Helena Peabody:
I would pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or touching insects, otherwise I'm gonna be stuck here with Alice in this sweet little one bedroom.

Phyllis Kroll:
Bette, did you just say something about a crazy, hot, women's party?

Bette Porter:
My sister Kit she owns The Planet in West Hollywood. They're dong this party called "Rancho Notorious".

Phyllis Kroll:
And it's all women?

Bette Porter:
Only Thursday's. Thursday is girls' night at the planet.

Phyllis Kroll:
Would it be too much of an imposition if I asked to join you?

Tina Kennard:
[regarding Henry's house] Yeah, it's fine. I'd re-model it but I don't live here.

Bette Porter:
[deadpan] Yet.

Woman At Party:
Your daughter is adorable.

Bette Porter:
[looking at Angelica's picture] Thank you.

Woman At Party:
What would you do if one day she decided to that she wanted to live with her Father?

Tina Kennard:
We don't call him the Father; we call him the donor.

Brad:
Look, I'm not a homophobe, you know what I'm saying? But, uh... Look, if my son came home and he told me that he was gay... I mean, I'm sure I would come around to it but... You know, at first there would be a reaction and... I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here, alright?

Bette Porter:
An honest homophobe, how nice.

Tina Kennard:
Bette, don't get into it.

Bette Porter:
No, I... I understand, Brad. I mean, you find gay sex repulsive and you don't care about your son's personal happiness as much as you do for your own comfort level. Right?

Kit Porter:
[to Angus] Come on, butter boy, let's sliiiiide on outta here.

Jenny Schecter:
[playing Celebrity] I don't know who Terrell Owens is. [All the straight people laugh and all the gay people draw blanks]

Henry:
Football player.

Tina Kennard:
Oh.

Straight Guy:
He's the most talented receiver in football.

Straight Woman:
And he appeared with a "Desperate Housewife" in a commercial. She dropped her towel.

Helena Peabody:
The desperate... what?

Papi:
So, I'm your competition.

Shane McCutcheon:
Oh! Oh, okay. Well, I don't know exactly what we're competing for but, uh... You win!

Bette Porter:
[about Phyllis] I can't believe she actually came.

Bette Porter:
[speaking rapidly with a lowered voice] Girls, girls, okay, here's the deal: Phyllis Kroll, Executive Vice Chancellor of California University, very accomplished, very dignified, very much my boss, I repeat, very much my boss. She's been married twenty five years and is now at this relatively late date convinced she's a lesbian and is peeking out of the closet as we speak, so please, please, please be nice to her and try to talk to her and try not to make her feel like she's the oldest f***ing lesbian on the planet. [gets up] Phyllis! Hi, it's good to see you.

Bette Porter:
[to Alice] We have a situation, Alice.

Phyllis Kroll:
[to Jenny] Too bad you can't prove your critic was wrong. Better girlfriends that impeachable integrity.

Bette Porter:
[to Alice] My boss is attracted to you.

Alice Pieszecki:
Really?

Alice Pieszecki:
Phyllis.

Phyllis Kroll, Bette Porter:
Alice?

Alice Pieszecki:
[to Bette] Hello, Professor Porter.

Phyllis Kroll:
Dean Porter, Alice. You're demoting her.

[last lines]

Nadia:
Would it be wrong if I told you, I have never wanted to kiss someone more than I want to kiss you right now.

Bette Porter:
Nadia.

Jenny Schecter:
And the thing is the vagina's girlfriend was molested and now she's like this perfect saint, which is awesome - and I was abused and now I'm like this f***ed up nitwit, but that's my experience.

Alice Pieszecki:
I get it, I totally get it, I'm just saying I think you should let it go. It's a tiny magazine, who reads it? And didn't Elle say something great about, what "refreshingly literate?" That's huge - that's Elle, concentrate on that.

Phyllis Kroll:
I especially loved Alice. She's so vibrant.

Bette Porter:
Yeah, she's a great girl.

Phyllis Kroll:
So, do you think she liked me?

[at Dana's funeral]

Priest:
How unfortunate it is that she died before finding herself a husband and...

Alice:
What the hell are you talking about? Dana was GAY!

[everyone gasps in horror]

Max:
If you think men are the enemy, then you and I have a problem.

Tegan Quin:
[Dana is hallucinating after having taken lsd with Shane before a Tegan and Sara concert] Hey, you know who's a lesbian?

Sara Quin:
Dana Fairbanks!

Dana:
...I am not!

Shane McCutcheon:
What?

Sara Quin:
Come on Dana! Come out of that closet!

Tegan Quin:
[Dana is hallucinating after having taken lsd with Shane before a Tegan and Sara concert] Hey, you know who's a lesbian?

Sara Quin:
Dana Fairbanks!

Dana:
...I am not!

Bette Porter:
What?

Tegan Quin:
Come on Dana! Come out of that closet!

[on admitting that he is gay]

Burr Connor:
I am a card carrying member of the Cock-Sucker's Club.

[interviewed by Mark]

Carmen de la Pica Morales:
My name is Carmen de la Pica Morales. The first time I knew I was gay... I was 16 back them. I fell in madly love with Lucia Torres. She was Pablo Fuentes' girlfriend. In my high school, you just... you didn't f*** with Pablo's girl. But I did.

Jenny:
Jenny: It's not too late. Do you know why? You're so lovely.

Shane McCutcheon:
[to Mark, with urge to pee, but having seen that Jenny and Carmen are having sex in the bathroom] Use the bushes.

Dana Fairbanks:
Don't laugh, OK? [Goes out from bathroom naked wearing a strap-on] .

Alice Pieszecki:
F***... Who's laughing?

Alice:
Where's Carmen?

Shane:
Ugh, I'm in the shithouse.

Alice:
Why?

Shane:
Carmen had a dream that I gave Cherie Jaffe a f***ing tattoo.

Alice:
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've had that happen. I had a girl who dreamt that I f***ed David Schwimmer.

Alice:
[Shane stares at her] Well, Friends was on a lot.

Dana:
Actually, when we were going out, I had a dream you were a midget.

Shane:
[laughs, Alice nudges her]

Dana:
But I wasn't mad at you or anything.

Alice:
[to Shane after finding out that her mom, Lenore, kissed Shane] Hey, sorry you got Lenored!

Tina:
[regarding the baby's last name] I think we should do some sort of combo thing. You know? Instead of the whole hyphenated thing?

Bette:
What, like, "Portard"?

Tina:
Bette..."Hey poor tard! How's your two moms you big gay-mo?"

Jodi Lerner:
Maybe she's a spaghetti girl. Straight until wet.

Bette Porter:
[Papi is trash-talking Bette while they are playing basketball against each other] Who you callin' Brown Barbie, you f***in' Carmalita Tropicana!

Alice Pieszecki:
[to Bette about Phyllis] You know she's not my normal type. Not that I have a type.

[after Tina slept with a man]

Bette:
You no longer have the privileges of being my life partner!

Tina Kennard:
Woah!

Carmen de la Pica Morales:
It's like one minute you're my girlfriend, you're on my side, you love me and the next minute...

Shane McCutcheon:
I don't wanna lose your family! Okay? I don't want them to hate me. I think it would be really f***ed if they sat there and blamed me for this, which I'm so sure they already have.

Carmen de la Pica Morales:
What do you know about family?

Kit Porter:
What's male inside? What's female inside? Why can't you be the butchest butch in the world and keep your body?

Max:
Because I wanna feel whole. I want the outside of me to match the inside of me.

Kit Porter:
You'll be giving up the most precious thing in the world.

Max:
What? My tits?

Kit Porter:
No. Being a woman

Dr. Susan Love:
[singing Alice's book] There you go, Alice.

Alice Pieszecki:
Why thank you, Doctor Love.

Dr. Susan Love:
I would advise anybody in your condition to have chemotherapy, but I'm really glad you're doing all the complementary therapies as well, because that's really gonna make you feel better.

Dana Fairbanks:
Just... At this point, I wanna know what I can do to help you.

Alice Pieszecki:
Yeah. I mean, you're working on a cure right? That's what I read.

Helena Peabody:
Alice, you saw that.

Alice Pieszecki:
She's kinda cute, right? Her name's Chandra.

Tina Kennard:
Why don't you guys go out?

[Helena attacks Dylan in the parking lot outside the nightclub]

Helena Peabody:
I don't give a f*** whose idea it was to sue me! Yours or Danny's! The point is, you took part in it! You manipulated my emotions! You used me! You humiliated me, and you must be f***ing insane to think you can just prance in here and act as if nothing ever happened, telling me that you're happy, telling me that you're out of the closet, telling me that you're oh, so sorry for destroying my f***ing life! F*** you!

Dylan Moreland:
Thank you! Now I know you care.

Alice Pieszecki:
Okay, so basically, that skankball Dylan Moreland almost ruined Helena's life. First, she pretended to be in love with her so she and her boyfriend, Danny, could sue Helena for sexual harassment and extort millions of dollars from her. Can you believe it? So... her mother gets so mad that she cuts Helena off, and she has to move in with me and become a cook.

Helena Peabody:
I was a caterer.

Alice Pieszecki:
Which was a disaster, and let's face it, Helena is used to a certain standard of living. She was born rich, with a gold spoon in her mouth. So, she meets this shady high-roller lady, named Catherine. They hook up, but she uses Helena and takes all her money, and when Helena takes it back, and we still don't know where she buried it, she gets arrested for embezzlement, thrown into prison, and has to share a cell with some killer!

Helena Peabody:
Her name was Dusty, and she was in for tax fraud.

Alice Pieszecki:
Fine! So, Helena's mother can't take it anymore. She bails Helena out of prison, but she doesn't want to live under her mother's thumb anymore, so she springs Dusty from jail, they go abroad to Taha, which she doesn't ever want to talk about since Dusty still hides out over there. So, it couldn't have been great, right?

Helena Peabody:
Right.

Alice Pieszecki:
Anyway, her mother gets stung by some jellyfish while scuba diving, and grants Helena's wealth back again. All of this because of this woman.

Tasha Williams:
[to Helena] You want me to kick her ass?

Helena Peabody:
No. Thank you.

Tasha Williams:
You're a better person than me. I would beat a b*tch down if she ever did something like that to me.

Bette Porter:
[at Joyce Wichnia's office] Tina's not qualified to parent a biracial child.

Tina Kennard:
Oh, yeah, and I was qualified to sleep with one for eight years?

Bette Porter:
Obviously, you weren't qualified for *that*, either!

[first lines]

Alice Pieszecki:
Yeah, it's open. Come in.

Bette Porter:
Can I get a sippy cup? Does anybody have a sippy cup!? Jesus!

Max Sweeney:
I just don't know why we can't work it out.

Jenny Schecter:
Because you identify as a straight man. So there's the mismatch because you want me to be your straight girlfriend to your straight guy. And I identify as a lesbian who likes to f*** girls. And you're not a girl.

Waiter:
Refill?

Helena Peabody:
No, I don't think I can afford it.

Alice Pieszecki:
Helena, it's free.

Helena Peabody:
[tearing up to Alice] I had no idea it could feel this warm and fuzzy being poor.

Alice Pieszecki:
What about your car? Wasn't your car worth like $300.000? I mean, you can live on that for like two years!

Helena Peabody:
Maybe you could!

Jenny Schecter:
Oh, guess what. Umm... We got a mention on MySpace and we took out an ad on OurChart.

Helena Peabody:
[Alice and Jenny are explaining the concept of the online version of The Chart to Helena.] Do you have to sleep with someone first?

Alice Pieszecki:
Well, I mean, when I first put it up, that was the core concept. Like, you know, Jenny slept with Tina, who slept with Annie...

Helena Peabody:
[to Jenny] You slept with Tina?

Jenny Schecter:
Nooo! I would never sleep with Tina.

Alice Pieszecki:
No, no, hypothetically.

Jenny Schecter:
There's Gabby Deveaux.

Helena Peabody:
Whoa, that's a lot of hookups.

Alice Pieszecki:
[chirpily] Yeah, she's a whore.

Jenny Schecter:
[to Helena] Oh, my God! You're right. Look at this. This girl has slept with one thousand, one hundred... Oh! She just added a name. Now it's one thousand, one hundred and fifty one.

Joyce Wischnia:
Well, I'm glad to see that you've made your decision.

Bette Porter:
What decision have we made?

Joyce Wischnia:
Mommy dearest one and mommy dearest two will be fighting this out in a court of law... which in the end is not a terrible thing.

Tina Kennard:
How is that not a terrible thing?

Bette Porter:
Yeah, in what universe is that not a terrible thing?

Joyce Wischnia:
Well, in the universe of my bank account for one.

Joyce Wischnia:
[to baby Angelica] And you, my little sweet, you will be known in the press as Baby A, the artificially conceived daughter of a bisexual, white movie exec and a biracial, lesbian art-world titan. Oh, my gosh. The fundamentalists will picket. Liberals and feminists will argue among themselves. Good Christian folks will write into the op-eds, offering to adopt her away from her sick and perverted, warring parents.

Bette Porter:
[to Tina] Are you still using iCal?

Tina Kennard:
Wow, are we really that untouchable?

Helena Peabody:
What are you talking about?

Tina Kennard:
You just backed away from us like we have some sort of heterosexual cootie.

Bette Porter:
[on the phone with Joyce, about Tina] What can she do? Worst case scenario if she decides to be the hypocritical monster we already know she is?

Claude Mondrian:
[after Marina is out of earshot] Do you think she'll have sex with us?

Jenny Schecter:
[after a pause] No.

Claude Mondrian:
Ask her.

[last lines]

Carla McCutcheon:
That would fix everything huh? Go to hell.

Shane McCutcheon:
Carla!

Alice Pieszecki:
[to Jenny] If it isn't Jennifer Schecter. Author of "Some Of Her Parts".

Jenny Schecter:
[to Alice and Helena] Of course I'm going to read my own reviews. Why shouldn't I?

Cherie Jaffe:
[to Shane] Freak. What were you thinking, thinking you were going to marry that ridiculous girl?

Jenny Schecter:
[to Max] Alice worked for weeks setting this wedding up. Helena spent a small fortune.

Jenny Schecter:
[to Max] What Shane did is terrible and completely unforgivable.

Carla McCutcheon:
[to Shane] I left you a gift. It's on the back porch.

Witt Strobel:
[to Helena] The movie studio Paramount is looking to acquire. Your Mother wanted to unload it before she left for Antigua.

Henry:
Who's Aaron Kornbluth?

Tina Kennard:
He's our new boss.

Helena Peabody:
Meeting him on Wednesday.

Donald:
[to Max] My daughter Brooke's coming home from Mount Hoyer. I always thought the two of you would hit it off.

Bette Porter:
[on the phone to Phyllis] Phyllis... Yeah, I can't wait to get started... I will see you on campus on Monday.

Bette Porter:
So which side of the bed is Nina's?

Tina Kennard:
I don't know. Um. [gets up and stands next to the left side of the bed] Maybe this side? [lays down] Yeah, that feels right.

Bette Porter:
So maybe this side would be Bev's side? [lays down on the right side of the bed]

Tina Kennard:
Yeah.

Bette Porter:
Do you have any hard rock candy?

Tina Kennard:
No. But I have some pot. [Bette and Tina both giggle]

Shane McCutcheon:
If you want to stick around a little longer and then I could take you out.

Molly Kroll:
[sarcastic] Sure.

Shane McCutcheon:
What?

Molly Kroll:
My mother told me all about your little game. You're like the Fonz, or something, for lesbians.

Shane McCutcheon:
Bullshit. The Fonz?

Molly Kroll:
Yeah, Happy Days.

Shane McCutcheon:
No, I'm not the Fonz. I'm not Happy Days. It's just a - - [beat]

Shane McCutcheon:
Alright, I give it to you're sassy.

Molly Kroll:
I'm not sassy, I'm bored. But not bored enough to sleep with you.

[Talking over whether Helena should have sex to erase her gambling debt, and whether she'd feel like a whore after]

Kit Porter:
We all been there, one way or another. Once I gave a blow job to a horn player.

[Everybody gives Kit a funny look]

Kit Porter:
[Explaining] So I could get a line of cocaine!

Helena Peabody:
And afterwards? How did you feel?

Kit Porter:
High. I was a high 'ho.

Dana:
[after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina] I thought Jenny was straight.

Alice:
Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.

Shane:
True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.

Dana:
How can you tell?

Alice:
You read the signals.

Dana:
That's my problem.

Shane:
Dana, it's not a problem. Allright.

Shane:
[In response to Dana rolling her eyes] No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.

Dana:
No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.

Alice:
[after the realization of what Dana is saying hits her] You don't have gaydar.

Dana:
No.

Alice:
You're so right, you don't have it!

Shane:
[having figured out that they are in Tina and Bette's bedroom right after Tina's been inseminated] Wait. So, we could be here at the moment of conception.

Bette:
[smiling] You could. Yes.

Shane:
Well then, I'm really sorry. Would you like us to leave?

Bette:
[smiling] That would be too late.

Lady on Intercom:
Reviva. Who is it?

Alice:
Uhh... yeah, uh... Alice Peters, I have an appointment.

Lady on Intercom:
I don't understand. What do you want?

Alice:
[enunciating] I have an appointment.

Lady on Intercom:
For what? What do you want?

Alice:
All right, I need to get my vagina rejuvenated!

[Alice looks around quickly to see if anyone heard]

Lady on Intercom:
Well, why didn't you just say so?

Shane:
[talking about how Alice wants to start with looking her up first to find Lara on the chart] Why must you do that?

Alice:
Chances are, if she's into girls, you know.

Shane:
Look, Dane? It totally wouldn't have meant anything.

Dana:
Oh, that's comforting, thanks.

Bette:
[trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.

Dana:
Well, she sends me food.

Bette:
Mmmhmmm.

Dana:
She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.

Tina:
These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?

Dana:
No, she just sends them.

Bette:
But she hasn't spoken to you.

Dana:
No.

Shane:
[seriously] Ask her out.

Bette:
No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.

Dana:
Exactly.

Alice:
[rolling her eyes] Please don't encourage her.

Bette:
It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.

Alice:
[gasping] You mean?

Bette:
I mean.

Dana:
[laughing but obviously clueless] What?

Bette:
[smiling] We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

Shane:
[to Bette who has answered the door in her bathrobe] Hi, were you sleeping?

Bette:
Not exactly.

Alice:
Yeah, we tried to call but no one answered.

Bette:
So the logical conclusion was just to come over?

Alice:
No, uh, it's an emergency, y'know, started as a gaydar thing, Shane and I are totally capable of handling that, but this one has major relationship stuff.

Bette:
Uh-Hunh.

Shane:
Yeah, I think at this point she needs expert advice.

Dana:
[Looking very sheepish and pitiful] I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry.

Bette:
[smiling] It's okay Dana. We were finished.

Dana:
[realizing what Bette means] Oh my God...

Shane:
No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.

Alice:
[points to a woman at the counter] What is she?

Dana:
[hesitates] A customer? I don't know!

Shane:
Dana, look at her fingernails. Are they long or short?

Dana:
[turns to look] They're long and polished. So she's...

Shane:
Leaning to straight. But we still need more info.

Alice:
Look at the shoes.

Dana:
She wearing high-heeled sandals.

Alice:
Would you wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans?

Dana:
[confused] Yes?

Alice:
[firmly] No.

[Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay]

Alice:
All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck.

Bette:
Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she moves that chopping knife.

Shane:
Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.

Alice:
[to Bette and Tina] Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.

Tina:
Yeah, but you guys, she's got nine points in the lez column and she only has seven in the straight.

Alice:
Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus five percentage points.

Bette:
You know what we have to do.

[They all look at Shane who looks back warily]

Bette:
It has to end.

Tina:
But seriously, Alice, you can't let Gabby continue to treat you this way.

Alice:
You guys don't know her. I know it looks like she's treating me like sh*t, but it's... she's just, you know...

Tina:
Treating you like sh*t, Al.

Alice:
Maybe, it's just...

Bette:
No. It's just you deserve better.

Alice:
I do? All right, I do. But... I just feel like at times, she's, like, so right there, and I feel like we connect and then, all of a sudden, she acts like I don't even exist.

Tina:
That's because she's an emotional cripple.

Bette:
Yeah. Emotional cripple, slash, narcissistic personality disorder.

Tina:
And the next time she calls you? You have to end it.

Alice:
I know. It's just...

Bette:
[firmly] It's just nothing.

Tina:
What are you gonna do?

Alice:
Well, I was gonna ask her...

Bette:
No asking.

Tina:
What are you gonna tell her? You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way."

Bette:
[continuing from Tina] "It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love."

Tina:
[picking up from Bette] "And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you."

Bette:
"So step off, b*tch!"

Tina:
Do it.

Alice:
Right, right. Oh, wait, he's talking to me! So weird. Huh?... What?... OK, I'll tell her. He said don't ever f***ing compare yourself to him!

Tom Mater:
[lighting a joint for her] Come on Dean. Alright, none of that Clintonian sh*t now - inhale!

Alice:
[to Phyllis] Okay, great. You're doing so good.

Dana:
You know, Al, just 'cause you're riding the big fat weenie doesn't mean there's something wrong with the way the rest of us do it, okay?

[Bette has exposed Faye's daughter's shame on national TV during their debate]

Faye Buckley:
God took your baby, and that is a BLESSING! Your child is with God now and will never be subject to your sick, disgusting perverted lifestyle!

[Bette, for the first time since Tina's miscarriage, starts to cry]

Bette:
[through her tears] You monster!

[Jenny is writing. Scenes from the party are intercut with a hallucination of her English professor as Abraxas]

Jenny:
I'm sitting in the chair, writhing in agony. A demon, a minor demon, is pinning me there, f***ing with my head. 'Abraxas', he says, 'I'm Abraxas, the demon of lies and deceit'.

Abraxas:
So, what do you want to know about lies, my dear?

Jenny:
I'm not a liar, I try again to get up. This time I'm flayed, splayed. I feel myself screaming.

Abraxas:
I'll tell you about lies. There are white lies and black lies, and many shades of grey lies. Some lies are justified. Lies told out of kindness, lies that preserve dignity, lies that spare pain.

[Scenes of people at the party telling lies]

Abraxas:
Everybody's a liar, dear.

Alice:
[Tina is urinating on a strip for her pregnancy test] How do you not pee on your hand?

Tina:
You just aim below the clit.

Alice:
Oh, really?

Tina:
Yeah, where did you think pee came out of?

Alice:
I dunno, there's a lot going on down there.

Jenny:
[to Marina] Every time I look at you, I feel so completely dismantled.

[arguing with the hotel manager about her mother's outstanding credit bill]

Alice:
Look, why don't I just pay what my mom owes you so she can get her luggage out of her room and check herself out of here. Now, how much does she owe you?

Hotel Manager:
Well, I have a printout of the bill right here. That will be $5,968.42.

Alice:
[stunned] I'm sorry... could you repeat...

Hotel Manager:
Five-thousand... nine-hundred... sixty-eight dollars... and forty-two cents. Will that be cash, check or credit card?

Alice:
[grabs the bill and looks at it] What? This is outrageous! How can one person spend over five thousand dollars on a hotel room?

Hotel Manager:
[points to the bill] Well, let's see. She stayed in the Super Star Suite, our most luxurious room. The suite is $950 a night, plus tax. She was here for five nights. She ordered room service five or six times a day, and she made a few phone calls.

[Alice begins fumbling through her purse looking for her credit cards]

Alice:
[quietly to herself] Oh, Mother...

Peggy Peabody:
I was a lesbian in 1974.

Bette:
Just 1974?

Peggy Peabody:
Just 1974. That was all I needed.

Bette:
Well you know, that is what we refer to - Hasbian!

Alice:
This coffee tastes like poopie-sh*t! Where's Marina?

Tonya:
[completely shocked] Bette is still "schtuping" the carpenter?

Alice:
Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy

Shane:
I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna f*** her.

Alice:
Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would.

Shane:
Huh.

Shane:
[Dana joins the table] Well in that case, if she's hot...

Tonya:
[to Dana] Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington.

Dana:
You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane!

Shane:
Her hair.

Dana:
Ah.

[after Tina rebuffs her attempt at reconciliation yet again]

Bette:
Tina!

Bette:
Tina... I didn't try to see you or call you until now because I wanted to make sure that I could do what you asked of me. I promise, I'm never going to see Candace again. I'm never going to speak to her again. I'm never ever going to think about her again. I miss you. More than that, I made you. And, I don't think I could live without you. It is completely and totally over.

Tina:
When did you end it?

Bette:
This morning. I told her that you were the love of my life and that I didn't know what I was doing and that I must have gone temporarily insane.

Tina:
Did you tell her in person, or on the phone?

Bette:
Why does that matter?

Tina:
Because I drove by the house at 2:00 AM, and your car wasn't there. Did you f*** ALL night before you told her that I was the love of your life this morning?

[Shane and Alice are at the Planet talking when they see the annoying Tonya walk in]

Shane:
Oh, sh*t.

Alice:
Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do something... uh... pretend I'm upset.

Shane:
What? What?

Alice:
Put your arm around me! Um... I'll just start sobbing, and...

[Shanes complies by putting her arm on Alice]

Alice:
Obviously it'll be a really intimate moment. I mean... no halfway, sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting.

Tonya:
Guys! You guys!

[Tonya sits at their table, completely unaware of their private moment. Alice and Shane make faces, then go back to what they were doing]

Tonya:
This place is falling apart! Did you guys hear what happened to Marina?

Molly Kroll:
No, it was great for me! [referring to the terrible sex Shane said she had] You don't just get on a bike and know how to ride it, same with riding a girl. So I freaked out! Big deal! You've just been with so many girls, you don't remember your first time! Well, guess what, it was my first time! And it was great! It was better than with Richard, than with guys and with anybody and I'm really into you. And I swear next time I will SO go down on you!

Molly Kroll:
I've never flown to the Pacific North-West to chase a girl I barely know, and I'm here, and I'm really crazy about you. And I need you to give me another chance, even if I'm AWFUL in bed. I know that I'm still Gay 101, but I'm a really fast learner, and before you know it I'm going to be Advance Placement Gay, and Graduate Level Gay. And f*** Law School, I'll get my Doctorate in f***ing Gay.

Molly Kroll:
No, it was great for me [referring to the terrible sex Shane said she had]! You don't just get on a bike and know how to ride it, same with riding a girl. So I freaked out! Big deal!! You've just been with so many girls, you don't remember your first time! Well, guess what, it was my first time! And it was great! It was better than with Richard, than with guys and with anybody and I'm really into you. And I swear next time I will SO go down on you!!

Alice Pieszecki:
What do you teach?

Uta Refson:
I'm a vamperologist. I teach a course on the queer vampire in literature and film. And a seminar called demon desire, about the vampire as a lesbian predator.

Alice Pieszecki:
Okay, I'm a total vampire lesbian freak!

Uta Refson:
What attracts you to the lesbian vampire, Alice?

Alice Pieszecki:
I don't know, Uta. Maybe it's just... I like the dark side.

Uta Refson:
What about tomorrow?

Alice Pieszecki:
What? Lunch?

Uta Refson:
For dinner. I'm not much of a daytime person.

Alice Pieszecki:
What? Because vampires don't go out during the day?

Uta Refson:
No. We lay in bed... with the curtains drawn.

[creepy musical fanfare]

Alice Pieszecki:
[slightly afraid] Okay... uh... tomorrow night.

Alice Pieszecki:
I think Uta might be a vampire

Helena Peabody:
What?

Alice Pieszecki:
Well have you seen her teeth? They're

Helena Peabody:
[cuts Alice off] What?

Alice Pieszecki:
Theyre sharp. Theyre... [shows helena her neck]

Helena Peabody:
That's a hickie.

Alice Pieszecki:
I don't know. [pauses] I don't know.

Helena Peabody:
Well. [pulls out a mirror] You know what they say about vampires. No reflection.

Alice Pieszecki:
Oh!

Helena Peabody:
Try.

Alice Pieszecki:
Okay. Hey. [to Uta who just walked over]

Helena Peabody:
Okay. [leaves scared by the look uta just gave her]

Alice Pieszecki:
I think I got some thing in my teeth. I'll just... [turns so the mirror faces uta]

Uta Refson:
[ducks while Alice is turning]

Alice Pieszecki:
[looking for uta in the mirror] Holy f*cking sh*t. [turns around]

Uta Refson:
[standing again] What? Oh, I just dropped my ring. Why don't we get out of here?

Alice Pieszecki:
[has a scared/distrusing look on her face] Okay.

Carmen de la Pica Morales:
...Are you jealous? [talking about Carmen flirting with guys in her DJ-booth]

Shane McCutcheon:
NO! I'm not f***ing jealous... it just made me sad.

Carmen de la Pica Morales:
Oh! You were so f***ing sad that you go off and f*** Cherie Jaffe... SHANE! What kind of psychotic response is thaat?

Bette Porter:
I'm trying to meet with Barbara Grisham tomorrow before the hearings.

Tina Kennard:
Senator Grisham. Damn, I think she's hot.

Bette Porter:
Is your husband as fluid as you are?

Senator Barbara Grisham:
My husband. I have an arrangement. Works out well. But none the less.

Jenny Schecter:
So this is what I want you to do. Ok, so you're going to look at her and you're going to take her and you're gonna throw her against the sink - BAM! And you're gonna look at her with PASSION and then you - don't worry I wont kiss you - you're gonna take her and you're gonna kiss her with tongue. And then I want you to reach down and then I want you to fingerf*** her... and give her the best f***ing orgasm ever. Go for it!

Isabella:
OH, you mean with my hand?

Jenny Schecter:
Yeah. Unless you have some other apparati I don't know about.

Isabella:
[as Bev] - 'How exciting... You're ovulating. Let's make a baby!'...

Jenny Schecter:
Passion! That's okay. Okay, wauw, it looks like you guys are sort of doing a dance.

Isabella:
Do you want to see my hand?

Jenny Schecter:
I'd like to. Might be nice for you to look like you're actually giving her pleasure rather than moving furniture. You know, that looks like you're sewing up a hole in her jeans. You guys really don't know how to f*** women, do you?

Alice Pieszecki:
F*** you, Denbo! AND your dumb lover. You're a ratf***!

Shane McCutcheon:
BYE CINDI!

Bette Porter:
I don't know what to do.

Tina Kennard:
You're in love with Jodi, right?

Bette Porter:
I adore her. And I respect and admire her. But...

Tina Kennard:
But what?

Bette Porter:
It doesn't really compare.

Alice Pieszecki:
Are you gonna dance in your black bra?

Shane McCutcheon:
You know, I was thinking about it, but I just don't need one. Thank god.

Alice:
[Seeing Dana and Tonya dressed alike] "What is with the twin thing? Are they merging already?"

[regarding Dana's dead cat, Mr.Piddles]

Tina:
He looks a little strange.

Alice:
Yeah. I think he... hasn't really thawed out, yet. We were afraid he was gonna decompose, so Shane and I put him in the freezer.

Shane McCutcheon:
She's not that bad. [about Tonya]

Tina:
She's not.

Shane McCutcheon:
Until you have some concrete evidence I'd say drop it.

Alice:
Alright I think she killed Mr. Piddles! That's what!

Tina:
Oh my God, why would she do that?

Alice:
Maybe she didn't like the competition.

Shane McCutcheon:
It's because Mr. Piddles was going to inherit Dana's fortune and Tonya murdered him to be next in line. Right... Right? Drop it. [Walks away]

Tina:
Come on.

Alice:
F*cking cranky.

Bette Porter:
[Talking to Jodi, but Bette showing her her back, Jodi cannot read her mouthing] I'm in love with Tina...

Bette:
[voiceover at her and Tina's support group] What's happening to me?... Am I just panicking?... Is this about the baby?... Or am I falling out of love?

Jenny Schecter:
I never said I was a lesbian.

Annette Bishop:
So it just came out of nowhere and bit you on the ass like that? Cause I mean... I love women... yeah. I mean, for the companionship. I figure I could do without the company of men entirely except dude... I can't get down with the puss. I love a dick.

Jenny Schecter:
I think I'm bisexual.

Annette Bishop:
Oh brother...

Jenny Schecter:
I do... I really do.

Annette Bishop:
Jenny, is this just your way of telling me that you had a crush on me in college?

Jenny Schecter:
Annette! I mean... no.

Annette Bishop:
You're lying. You were madly in love with me. But seriously, I gotta get a look at this Marina, to see if she's worth it.

Jenny Schecter:
No.

Annette Bishop:
Yeah.

Jenny Schecter:
Oh, no.

Annette Bishop:
Yeah... no we gotta stalk her. No we gotta stalker her, Jenny, just a little bit so I can see.

Jenny Schecter:
No, no, no! No stalking!

Annette Bishop:
Why?

Jenny Schecter:
Because... um... her girlfriend's back in town.

Annette Bishop:
Her girlfriend?

Jenny Schecter:
I know...

Annette Bishop:
Man, does this story get any better?

Leslie:
People have all kinds of feelings. It doesn't mean we're supposed to act on them.

Sharon Fairbanks:
We all have feelings for our girlfriends, Dana, it doesn't mean you have to act on them.

[in Sign Language; subtitled]

Jodi:
Hello, Amy.

Amy:
"Hello, Amy?"

Jodi:
Let me call you at home.

Amy:
Cut the crap. Talk to me now!

Jodi:
Okay. What do you want?

Amy:
You tossed me aside like a piece of garbage!

Jodi:
We talked about this.

Amy:
We didn't talk. YOU talked! You're a f***ing, heartless, c*nt!

Jodi:
You told me you understood.

Amy:
Well, I lied.

Jodi:
What do you want me to say?

Amy:
You don't want to feel tied down. You could never commit to one person.

Jodi:
I didn't think I could. I was telling you the truth.

Amy:
What? You f*** me all night long and then you told me in the morning that you were in love with someone else?

Jodi:
Okay, what do you want me to say?

Amy:
F*** you! She must be an incredible f***! Does she whisper sweet things in your ear? Make you feel like a part of the world.

Jodi:
[shouting in her own voice] F*** YOU! I f***ing did my best!

Amy:
[shouting in her own voice] Well, f*** you, you f***ing f***!

[first lines]

Imposter Papi #1:
[to Alice] Alice. Alice, over here. Alice? Alice right? From the radio?

Alice Pieszecki:
Yeah, you scared me.

Imposter Papi #1:
It's me.

Alice Pieszecki:
[reading a message from Papi on her computer] "Tonight, ten p.m. I'll be there. Will you?" Oh yeah, sure you will, Papi.

Tina Kennard:
You call your computer "Papi"?

Alice Pieszecki:
Oh, no, it's this girl on Our Chart. Papi. You know, she has more hits than Shane. How do you not know this? Where have you been? Oh, right. Stuck in the far reaches of Heteroville, that's right.

Alice Pieszecki:
[as Shane walks into the room] Well, holy f*** as I live and breathe.

Tina Kennard:
Wow! Shane!

Kit Porter:
Look who finally showed up?

Kit Porter:
So who's this gentleman?

Shay McCutcheon:
Shay.

Kit Porter:
Well, hi, Shay. Nice to meet you. You hungry?

Shane McCutcheon:
Helena hates me, doesn't she?

Alice Pieszecki:
No, she doesn't hate you. But you know, apart from Carmen she is the one who got hurt the most. You know she's my roommate now?

Shane McCutcheon:
Really?

Alice Pieszecki:
Yeah.

Shane McCutcheon:
Well, what do you think I could do to make it up to her?

Alice Pieszecki:
You got forty million dollars stashed away in a sock?

Shane McCutcheon:
What?

Nadia Karella:
Wow. Are you... are you an athlete?

Bette Porter:
[a beat] No. Why?

Nadia Karella:
Because you have, uhh... because you have very beautiful arms.

Bette Porter:
[laughs nervously] Uhh, I do some, you know, some yoga every now and again. I just, I really don't have any time to do anything more than that.

Nadia Karella:
My ex-girlfriend was a professional boxer and your arms sort of reminded me of hers.

Bette Porter:
[chuckles] Well, I'm not a boxer, so I better not get into a ring with her. [Both laugh awkwardly]

Shay McCutcheon:
I think I'm gonna throw up.

Shane McCutcheon:
Oh, umm... Look, the bathroom's right over there.

Helena Peabody:
Shane...

Shane McCutcheon:
What?

Helena Peabody:
You should go with him.

Shane McCutcheon:
What the hell am I supposed to do?

Bette Porter:
Hold his hair.

Shane McCutcheon:
He doesn't have any hair!

Bette Porter:
[about Shane looking after Shay] She's so not ready for this.

Papi:
[to Alice, correcting her pronunciation] It's little more Latina than your tongue is used to, chica. Here, let me help you to say my name right. You might need it later.

Alice Pieszecki:
Well, Papi, you have become sort of a legend in about uh... two days on my website. You crashed my whole server.

Papi:
What can I say, I've been blessed. Seems the ladies like me as much as I like them.

Alice Pieszecki:
We're talking about a helluva lot of ladies.

Papi:
Like I said: I've been blessed... a lot.

Alice Pieszecki:
What are you doing?

Papi:
Circles. Magic circles.

Alice Pieszecki:
[moaning] Circles...

Papi:
Circles are good, right?

Alice Pieszecki:
Oh yeah, circles are good. Yeah, circles. Oh wow, circles.

Papi:
You like that?

Alice Pieszecki:
Oh yeah, I think I really like circles. Circles are great, Papi!

Alice Pieszecki:
Oh, wow! How do you say "I'm done" in Spanish?

Papi:
[a beat] You're not done.

Alice Pieszecki:
Do you wanna come in?

Papi:
Oh, no, no, no. Thanks, though. But it's against the rules. Rule number one: Papi doesn't do breakfast.

Helena Peabody:
[seeing Alice emerge from Papi's limo] Well, well, well. Someone had a busy night.

Alice Pieszecki:
Yeah, I was working.

Helena Peabody:
Working?

Alice Pieszecki:
Yeah, working pretty hard. [Helena chuckles]

[last lines]

Helena Peabody:
[emerging from the bushes with Papi] So, would you like to come back for a nightcap?

Papi:
Uh... Rule number two: Never go home with a girl whose roommate you just bopped that same morning. But umm... thanks for the offer.

Marta:
[about Shay] He just walked out the door.

Shane McCutcheon:
No, no, no. What do you mean I need a picture of him? No, no, no. I don't have a picture of him. I haven't known him that long.

Bette Porter:
[to Alice] This is crazy. We're never gonna find him here.

Shane McCutcheon:
Where do you think you were gonna go?

Shay McCutcheon:
Home.

Shane McCutcheon:
I'm your home now, okay? We both have to get used to that.

Donald:
[to Brooke] This is Max Sweeney.

Brooke:
[to Max] That's sweet.

Brooke:
[to Max] Well, let me teach you how to be bad.

Aaron Kornbluth:
[to Tina] You get to stay. I need you to do one last thing for me.

Helena Peabody:
[about Aaron] He sent you to fire me?

Tina Kennard:
It was a power trip. He's a scumbag.

Helena Peabody:
I've never had an abortion. It must be so hard.

Kit Porter:
I feel so sad for Angus.

Bette Porter:
Actually, you can be sad for yourself, too.

[repeated line]

Alice Pieszecki:
You're Papi?

Papi:
[to Alice] Actually, it's pronounced Pah-Pee!

Papi:
[to Alice] I can make a woman cum just by kissing her.

Jenny Schecter:
It's illegal to keep a child out of school.

Shane McCutcheon:
Well let them arrest me.

Phyllis Kroll:
[to Bette] Have you picked a T.A yet?

Phyllis Kroll:
[to Bette] You're the most glamorous Dean they've had in years.

Nadia Karella:
[to Bette] We call her "Heads Will Roll Kroll" because she fires at least one Dean a year.

Phyllis Kroll:
I think I'm a lesbian, Bette.

Bette Porter:
Oh.

Stacy Merkin:
I only chose books to review that hold significance to me.

Jenny Schecter:
Why does "Some of Her Parts" hold significance to you?

Stacy Merkin:
My partner's a survivor.

Jenny Schecter:
[reading Stacey's review] "Self indulgent and self pitying".

Jenny Schecter:
F*** you, Stacey Merkin! F*** you!

Papi:
[whispers in Alice's ear] You make me bad...

Alice:
[moans] Oh wow... [gasps] What are you doing?

Papi:
[whispers] Circles!

Alice:
Ohh...!

Papi:
Magic circles!

Alice:
[moans] Circles!

Papi:
Circles are good right?

Alice:
[moans] Oh yeah, circles are good!

Papi:
Aha!

Alice:
Yeah circles [gasps] Oh wow circles [moans]

Papi:
You like that?

Alice:
Oh yeah I really think I like circles! [moans louder] Oh wow, yeah circles, circles are great Papi! [moans even louder] Circles are great Papi! [gasps loudly between breaths] Oh Papi, oh Papi, oh my god Papi, Papi, Papi!

Carmen de la Pica Morales:
[snickering, to Shane] Big butch: go unload the truck.

Moira:
[tosses bag at Shane]

Shane:
[almost falls over catching the bag]

Jenny Schecter:
How are you?

Bette Porter:
How were you when your life fell apart?

Jenny Schecter:
I was a mess.

Bette Porter:
That's it. That's me.

Jenny Schecter:
[to Shane] Is that Carmen spinning?

Shane McCutcheon:
Yeah, I hooked her up with Kit.

Jenny Schecter:
Aren't you going to go say hi?

Shane McCutcheon:
[with a forced grin] I did.

Shane McCutcheon:
[at Jenny's look] What?

Jenny Schecter:
I don't know, it's just sometimes you remind me of guys I used to date in high school.

Alice Pieszecki:
[as she approaches Shane across the dance floor] Sorry... excuse me... Shane! Ah! 'kay, I have to tell you something I'm really non s'posed to tell you.

Shane McCutcheon:
Fight the urge.

Alice Pieszecki:
But I... But I can't!

Shane McCutcheon:
[Pleading] Try.

Alice Pieszecki:
But it's hard!

Shane McCutcheon:
I know, but try!

Bette Porter:
Poor Shane.

Tina Kennard:
F*** that! I wouldn't blame Jenny if she never spoke to Shane again.

Bette Porter:
[laughs with disbelief] That's a little harsh.

Tina Kennard:
It was unforgivable what Shane did!

Bette Porter:
Well, maybe it was wrong, but...

Tina Kennard:
Maybe?

Bette Porter:
Okay, it was wrong.

Tina Kennard:
It was devastating. After everything that Jenny's been through? Her breakup with Niki, the movie, her career?

Bette Porter:
Well, Shane's been through a lot too, and she's always been there for Jenny. But Shane is a woman. She has needs... like me. Like all of us.

[Bette and Tina both glare at each other with hostility, obviously thinking back to Bette's own infidelity years earlier, but then back off]

Bette Porter:
Let's not talk about this anymore.

Tina Kennard:
You're right... let's not talk anymore.

Papi:
Yo.

Alice Pieszecki:
Papi? What the hell are you doing here?

Papi:
I live here. Maybe I should be asking you that question?

Alice Pieszecki:
[stammering] But... I thought... you disappeared. I thought you left town or... got arrested by some cop who was pissed off that you slept with his wife.

Papi:
Okay, look who's talking.

ER Nurse:
Which one of you is the mother?

Bette Porter, Tina Kennard:
We both are.

ER Nurse:
I need you to put one name only for Angelica's mother.

Bette Porter:
Are you kidding me?

ER Nurse:
I can't process your paperwork.

Bette Porter:
This is Los Angeles. There are same-sex families on ever f***ing street corner! She was born in this f***ing hospital, and both of our names are on the f***ing birth certificate! So, why don't you just give us a f***ing break you straight, bureaucratic maggot, and get our daughter to see a God damn doctor! Please?

[Jenny barges in on a meeting she was deliberately left out of]

Tina Kennard:
Oh Jenny, we thought that you were uh...

Jenny Schecter:
That I was uh... completely clueless? Someone to f*** with?

Tina Kennard:
No, of course not...

Jenny Schecter:
Someone who didn't realize what a lying duplicitous scheming excuse you are for a friend? [to Kate] Be careful if you're doing business with this woman because she actually eats her own.

Kate Arden:
Actually, Jenny, Tina's been a really good friend to you, as a matter of fact she's protected you...

Jenny Schecter:
She just wants to f*** you! She does. She just wants to get in your pants...

Tina Kennard:
Shut the f*** up, Jenny, OK? You're a c*nt! Bette almost lost her job because of you!

Alice Pieszecki:
[to Dana's "ghost"] You really curse a lot more now!

[after Alice tells Gabby off exactly as Bette and Tina told her to]

Gabby Deveaux:
Emotional cripple? Where did you get that from? Dr. Phil?

Alice:
Get out of my house.

Gabby Deveaux:
Whatev. Suit yourself.

[starts to leave]

Gabby Deveaux:
But this is not a good move for someone like you. Everyone knows you're desperate. There's no way you're going to bounce back from this.

Peggy Peabody:
I was a lesbian back in 1974.

Bette:
Just 1974?

Peggy Peabody:
Yes, that was all I needed.

Bette:
That's what we commonly refer to as a "hasbian".

[Dana walks into the country club kitchen looking for Lara and finds her]

Dana:
Hey...

[Lara looks up at Dana, and cuts her thumb]

Dana:
[freaking out] Oh, my god! Oh! oh, my god, I'm sorry, I...

Lara Perkins:
It's okay...

Dana:
Ah, Jesus, you're disfigured!

Lara Perkins:
[smiling and calm] I'm not disfigured.

Dana:
But I could've killed you! When you were... you know.

Lara Perkins:
[still smiling] It happens all the time.

Dana:
Well, should we call a doctor?

[Lara holds off her hand, and begins counting off visible scars on her fingers]

Lara Perkins:
Second-degree burn from the b?chamel sauce. Run-away shish-kabob. An attack from a particularly hostile live lobster, and, um... electric can-opener.

Dana:
[blushing] Is there anything I can do?

Lara Perkins:
[holding up thumb] You could kiss it and make it better.

Dana:
Um. I was wondering if maybe sometime...

Lara Perkins:
I would love to.

Dana:
Really?

[Laura smiles and nods]

Dana:
Okay! Is Thursday night okay?

Lara Perkins:
Thursday night is great.

Dana:
Where do you wanna go?

Lara Perkins:
Anywhere you're going.

Dana:
Yeah, but you're a food person. So, I want to take you someplace really good. Like L'Orangerie.

Lara Perkins:
No, no, no, that's way too expensive.

Dana:
I know. I'll take care of it.

Lara Perkins:
We're not starting out that way. Um... there's this little place in Koreatown that I've been dying to check out.

Dana:
Do I need to make a reservation?

Lara Perkins:
How about if I take care of that part, and you just pick me up at eight?

Dana:
Okay.

Alice:
Do you guys know they want me to do a story on a 45-minute orgasm? As if. I mean, by definition they're short and intense, right? For me, they are.

Dusty:
[They start to have sex in the prison cell, though Helena looks still a little frightened by Dusty] I haven't killed anyone!

Helena Peabody:
You didn't?

Dusty:
It was tax fraud!

Alice Pieszecki:
Why is my life supposed to stop because you want to live in a f***ing closet? I did not sign up for that bullshit. You did. I am allowed to say what I want, and do what I want, and f***ing out who I want... and love who I want because I live in the goddamn U.S. of f***ing A.

Tasha Williams:
And I'm the one out there fighting for your right to be ignorant.

Nikki Stevens:
We're gonna f*** in a closet?

Jenny Schecter:
The irony hasn't escaped me.

[on national TV]

Alice Pieszecki:
Listen! Gay people are being bashed, harassed, and killed every day, and then you've got this guy who's gay himself, and he's saying this garbage? It's disgusting! I totally respect someone's choice to stay in the closet, I do. If that's what they want to do, I get it. But I don't think it's OK to kiss your boyfriend one day and then go out and trash gay people the next! Especially if you're a public figure and you have people looking up to you. No, I don't feel bad. I do not feel bad about what I did.

Shane McCutcheon:
[sitting on counter] Hey you want one? [to Cammie as she walks passed]

Cammie:
Oh no I'm good thanks.

Shane McCutcheon:
Hey listen they're not gay I promise.

Alice:
Oh my God! What if they were gay? What if the brownies were gay?

Shane McCutcheon:
[laughing] They're all f*cking each other.

Alice:
[in brownie voice] You're hot.

[repeatedly during a poker game at Bette and Tina's]

Shane McCutcheon:
Liquor in the front. Poker in the rear.

[after finding out about Max's past as Moira]

Tim Haspel:
[to his wife] Next thing you know, she'll be dating a German Shepherd.

Jenny Schecter:
[to Tim's wife] You know, before he left me, he gave me a revenge-f***.

Alice Pieszecki:
[to a little kid at Angelica's birthday party] Hi there, who are you?

Roland:
I'm Roland. Are you the clown?

Alice Pieszecki:
I'm the birthday girl, Roland. [Alice looks around and spots all the toddlers at the party. It's clearly not her party]

Alice Pieszecki:
And yes, yes I'm the clown.

Roland:
[running off] Mommy, mommy, the clown's here!

Jenny Schecter:
[after shooting one of the rednecks with a taser gun] We're not fags, idiot! We're DYKES!

[Carmen is making out with Shane]

Carmen de la Pica Morales:
Quiero lamberte hasta que te vengas en mi boca mil veces.

Shane McCutcheon:
Sorry, my Spanish is a little rusty. Could you be more specific?

Carmen de la Pica Morales:
It means: I want to lick you until you come in my mouth a thousand times.

Shane McCutcheon:
Whoa.

Anna:
Who does your hair?

Shane McCutcheon:
I do it myself.

Anna:
Well, some job you do to it. It's all tangled, stringy, when was the last time you washed it?

[Anna takes out a brush and starts brushing Shane's hair]

Anna:
Here, I'll just patten it down. If you want me to make it a little more straight I'll...

Shane McCutcheon:
[interuptuing] NO! Do not... make it straight.

[after Tina tells her she wants to start seeing Bette again]

Helena Peabody:
[condescendingly] Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think we were exclusive?

[Dana refuses to believe Howie when he comes out]

Howie Fairbanks:
I've known since I was 4, Dane.

[Mark tries to make amends after Jenny discovers he has been filming her and Shane on hidden cameras]

Mark Wayland:
I wish so much that there was something I could do.

Jenny:
No, I don't think there's anything that you can do. I think you did it.

Mark Wayland:
When i moved in here, I was the type of guy who was capable of doing sh*t like this. But i am not that guy anymore. I know that I've said it before, but you and Shane have made me a better man.

Jenny:
Oh, f*** off, Mark. It's not my job to make you a better man and I don't give a sh*t if I've made you a better man. It's not a f***ing woman's job to be consumed and invaded and spat out so that some f***ing man can evolve.

Mark Wayland:
That's not what I meant.

Jenny:
What the f*** are you talking about, then, Mark? You give me one reason why you think that I should forgive you.

Mark Wayland:
Because, Jenny. I made a big, big mistake. But from that I have learned how difficult it is to be a woman.

Jenny:
Ugh. Please. [Walks away]

Mark Wayland:
Wait, Jenny! Hey! Look at this! [Strips naked]

Jenny:
What are you doing?

Mark Wayland:
Is this what you want?

Jenny:
No. [Hurls a pen at him] What I want is for you to write "f*** me" on your chest. Write it. Do it! And then I want you to walk out that door and I want you to walk down the street, and anybody that wants to f*** you, say, "Sure! Sure! No problem!" And when they do, you have to say, "Thank you very, very much." And make sure that you have a smile on your face. And then, you stupid f***ing coward, you're gonna know what it feels like to be a woman.

[last lines]

Jenny Schecter:
[to Shane] You know what? It's the ultimate betrayal. You've broken my heart.

[Kit and female dancers are filming a music video in hoochie outfits]

Bette:
Sh*t. I feel like I did this.

Tina:
No, look she's having fun!

Bette:
She's being mounted!

Alice:
Some of us have it worst, Dana, you know. Some of us are dating lesbian men.

Alice:
[trying to cheer Dana up] What is going to cheer you up? [long pause]

Dana:
[takes a sip of her drink]

Alice:
[grabs her cell phone and dials a number] Hello? Uh hello, yeah. I was wondering if your refigerator was running... oh it is? [hands the phone to Dana] [quietly] Go, go! They said 'yeah'. C'mon Dana.

Dana:
[begins to smile] Well then you better catch it.

Alice:
[laughs with Dana]

Dana:
[quickly becomes serious] Mom?

Alice:
[stops smiling]

Dana:
[ends call, looks at phone and throws it near Alice]

Dr. Wilson:
All right, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone, well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now? It's more likely to take if you're aroused.

[Bette looks a tiny bit put off at the suggestion. The doctor turns the light off and winks at Bette then leaves the room. Bette turns toward Tina]

Bette:
[laughs] She's not serious! Am I supposed to f*** you right here?

Tina:
I think it would help.

Bette:
You ever notice that whenever Shane walks in the room, someone runs out crying?

Marina:
Well, between the four of us, we'll come up with someone. What, he has to be healthy, strong, creative, handsome...

Tina:
Artistic.

[Shane enters the cafe]

Dana:
There's always Shane.

[as Jenny walks by The Planet for the first time, Dana ogles her. Everyone stares at Dana]

Dana:
What?

Alice:
You are so gay.

Tina:
[rolling eyes] So gay.

[Dana slumps a little, tossing up a hand]

Dana:
I know. I know.

[Marina is buying groceries where Jenny works]

Marina:
[to Jenny] Come on, I want to see you check me out.

[Shane leaves with a woman Dana wanted to ask out]

Dana:
I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have?

Tina:
It has to do with her attitude.

Dana:
I've got attitude!

Marina:
It's because she's so withholding.

Tina:
No. It's because she's so confident.

Dana:
No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.

Alice:
[firmly] Dana. She's your friend.

Tina:
It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples.

Dana:
What do you mean it's because of her nipples?

Tina:
She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.

Alice:
Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence!

Tina:
Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed.

Alice:
I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.

Shane:
[repeatedly at the poker game] Liquor in the front. Poker in the rear.

Instructor:
Now everyone. Drop your heads. Close your eyes and set your intentions. Why are you here? To gossip with your friends? Or to change your body? What do you want to get out of the next forty minutes?

[the students start peddling harder]

Dana:
[to Tina, re: Instructor] A good look at your spectacular tits would be nice.

Alice:
Ooh, ooh, ooh. Now she's cute. And I haven't seen her before, is it possible?

Shane:
Fresh meat.

Alice:
New blood.

Dana:
Cris-pay!

[Alice shakes her head at Dana]

Alice:
Uh-uh.

Bette:
[holding a specimen cup of sperm] God, it's repugnant, I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff.

[Bette enters The Planet and sees Dana]

Bette:
Is that Dana Fairbanks? Hanging out at The Planet in West Hollywood?

Alice:
Shh! She doesn't want her tennis fans to know she's a *gay lady*.

[Dana gives Alice a hostile look]

Dana:
When are you going to make up your mind between dick and p*ssy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details.

Alice:
Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman.

Dana:
[to Tina, gesturing] Big tits.

[re Marina and Jenny's uncanny immediate connection]

Alice:
Huh. Whatever. I'm just... gonna leave you two alone to get married!

Shane:
It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.

Dana:
What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.

Shane:
Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.

Alice:
Oh, my god, it's Yoda.

Dana:
Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.

Bette:
Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old a**holes.

Stendhal's emotional reaction to seeing the Caravaggio artwork in Rome, Italy

He was so overwhelmed by the beauty of the artwork that he cried and then passed out. The Stendhal Syndrome

Quote

"My head thrown back, I let my gaze dwell on the ceiling. I underwent the profoundest experience of ecstasy I had ever encountered. I had obtained that supreme degree of sensibility where the divine intimations of art merge with the impassioned sensuality of emotion." Stendhal

LIES…..LIES……LIES

S1 E5

Jennie is writing. Her alter-ego invades her thoughts:

What do you want to know about lies my dear?

"I'll tell you about lies....

There are white lies and black lies...

and many shades of grey lies.

Some lies are justified.......

Lies told out of kindness.

Lies that preserve dignity.

Lies that spare pain?"