The LeBrons

[first lines]

Kid:
[he and Condor are riding bikes down the street] Hey C, we're homies, right?

Condor:
You know it.

Kid:
So if you heard that I die, won't you just get a next meal?

Condor:
Before after lunch.

Kid:
After?

Condor:
Uh, Kid, I gotta be honest with you. I'll eat my dinner in probably your portion too.

Kid:
That's good to know.

Condor:
Hey, look, I love you like a brother, but I get mad cranky when I don't eat.

[Condor holds his stomach as a dog growl is heard offscreen]

Condor:
If that, I feel a little cranky right now.

[an angry pitbull is barking offscreen and Condor turns. The pitbull comes onscreen looking angry and chases after Kid and Condor]

Kid:
Ray Johnson's pitbull! Oh, he hates me!

Condor:
Don't take it personally, Kid. I'm pretty sure the dog gets everybody!

Condor:
[Kid slams the door on Condor's leg after they escape the pitbull] My leg! Ray Johnson's dog ate my leg!

Kid:
Chill, si. I think we just slammed it in the door.

Condor:
[sigh] Wait, that's kinda bad, too.

Business:
Hey. How 'bout you boys take that someplace else? Can't you see I'm deliberating? [Business is dating a beautiful woman named Bran. Kid and Condor stare at Bran in surprise]

Bran:
You boys have the scent of sweat, fear, and... [sniffs on the kids]... desperation.

Condor:
[smells his armpit] Oh, that has a smell?

Business:
Sure reason to fray this business. We're stringing a jize about to start my own line of collone. You know... like "diddy difitty."

Condor:
'Kay, my dear. You call it, notorious B-I-Z.

Business:
Hush up, boy. What are you two running from?

Kid:
Ray Johnson's dog.

Business:
Again? I think Bran and I need to parlay.

Business:
Ray Ray, you need to check your dog.

Ray Ray:
Mind your own business... Business. [tries to close the door, but Business stops him and opens the door]

Business:
Kid *is* my business. And your dog is out of control.

Pitbull:
[offscreen] Wait, who's at the door!

Ray Ray:
Um, nobody! [to Business] Look, just get outta here, you're gonna make him mad.

Business:
[opens the door pushing Ray Ray] Who's that? [the pitbull is playing poker with other dogs]

Pitbull:
You'd better be the pizza man, slick!

[Business frowns and slams the door]

Business:
I like the way you row, lion.

Otis the Lion:
It's good to be king. Nice suit. Is that our money?

Business:
I'm no pencil pusher. This right here is goochie. The real D.

Otis the Lion:
That's cool. I'm into furry dance.

Business:
I can row with that.

Condor:
[he and Kid escape the pitbull again and his leg is slammed in the door] That's gettin' older, son.

Kid:
That dog's crazy! He acts like our own money!

Business:
Boys, let me introduce you to the solution for Johnson's dog.

Otis the Lion:
What's happening, boys? [the kids gasp in fear and Condor opens the door only to dive into the pitbull's mouth. Otis talks to the pitbull] Spit that kid out. He's mine.

Pitbull:
[spits Condor out] Kid's all yours. Plus it tastes like desperation.

Condor:
Really? You can taste it?

Otis the Lion:
You think you're all that?

Pitbull:
[scared] Uh, I was just playing.

Otis the Lion:
How 'bout I'll rip out your head and play ball with it?

Pitbull:
Hey, it's gotta be like that?

Otis the Lion:
Nothing personal.

Pitbull:
[turns around] Oh, that's relief. [turns back and points at the left] Oh look! Baby gazelle! [runs off. Kid, Condor and Business look at what the pitbull pointed at]

Kid:
I don't see anything.

[the pitbull is running down the street and barking]

Otis the Lion:
[stares at the putbull, putting sunglasses on] Why do they always run?

Business:
I got to say you're definitely the king of the jungle. No doubt, brother.

Wise:
But?

Business:
But, we're not down with this.

Otis the Lion:
Good call.

Kid:
That dog is all kinds of mean. We don't want you to hurt him. [Otis hold his claw up and tears the duct tape off the pitbull's mouth]

Pitbull:
OW! Please accept my deepest and most sincere apologies!

Otis the Lion:
Shut up, fool.

Pitbull:
That sounds like a plan. I'm gonna shut up now.

[last lines]

Otis the Lion:
[He and Business are hanging out on a couch] Heh heh heh, I fear you, Biz. I like your lane.

Business:
I like yours too.

Otis the Lion:
It's all natural.

Business:
Fresh.

[Athlete runs up and stops at the table]

Athlete:
Wait, is that a lion in the living room?

Business:
If we hadn't come me, wouldn't you did?

Otis the Lion:
Old man, Johnson would be looking forward to a new dog.

Business:
[chuckles] I got my eye on you, lion.

Otis the Lion:
Heh heh. And I got my eye on that forty-four lard suit of yours, Biz.

Athlete:
[facepalm] Oh, this just makes me crazy.

Condor:
[Kid shoots the basketball at the hoop] Ugh. Don't you get tired of making that shot?

Kid:
I will when I miss. [laughs and gives Erik a high five]

Condor:
I'll show these fools. [walks off as Kid and Erik give each other a fist bump. Condor is practicing with the ball] Now that's skids.

Kid:
Yo, just shoot the ball!

Condor:
No preemie just shootin' here. Ain't the ball would tell you when it's good and ready. Hmmmm, now you're talking to me? Are you talking to me? Now. [Condor shoots the ball at the hoop] Oh! It just spunk. [Kid looks embarrassed]

Erik:
Well, let me show you how it really gets done. [Erik points his finger up and summons rocket science digits] Agh ponusus equal to the distance between the land and the boom...

Kid:
Come on, Erik, it's not a rocket science, just shoot it!

Erik:
Actually, it is. [picks the ball up] One, two, three, four! [Erik throws the ball up to the sky. It disappears]

Kid:
Dang. I think Boy Genius lost our ball again. [the ball drops from the sky and falls through the hoop]

Erik:
Seven, eight, nine, ten. [catches the ball]

Kid:
[snatches the ball from Erik] Yo, are we playing horse or what? Can't tell what you fools. [walks off and practices]

Condor:
Yo, peek over there. [points at something offscreen]

Kid:
You're just trying to break my iron concentration.

Erik:
[looks at a beautiful Chinese girl] Oh, that's Li. The exchange student from China. Brains coming out of her ears.

Condor:
Ooh, sure she's gotta go in all.

[Kid closes his eyes and shoots the ball backward]

Kid:
Nothing but... [Kid opens his eyes and sees Li, who strips her towel off and does a pose]

Erik:
She's like one of those hot anime characters, only she's not a cartoon.

Condor:
Problem is, this three of us and only one of her. We like chu for. What do you think, Kid? [Kid tosses the ball aside and runs off] Kid?

Wise:
I'm all full of shifferuss-ness.

Kid:
Pops?

Wise:
It wasn't me! Are you trying to give me a heart attack, boy?

Kid:
[whispering to Wise's ear] You wanna take Gloria out for an ice cream or something?

Wise:
I don't need no child to tell me how to treat a woman. Shood. Well, I was a lady's man way before I was fighting the war. Oh was, hee hee, you want me to run into ferric. You like that, baby girl?

Kid:
[whispering] Shh! Keep it down!

Wise:
Hm. Back in my time, a man would have to be married with three children before he can see so much snap. Oooooh-woo!

Business:
Kid's like ignoring what child is there.

Kid:
Biz?

Business:
Ladies, please excuse me while I converse with this young ball at the D.

[the girls walks away, but one of them approaches Kid]

Girl:
Aw, ain't you just the cutest thing?

Kid:
Awww!

[to Business]

Kid:
If you were my age, what would you do to get the finest girl in town?

Business:
Your age, my age, Pops' stone age. It's all the same. If you miss an opportunity to impress a girl you love, you will always regret it.

Girls:
Hi, Biz!

Business:
Hello, ladies.

Kid:
So, how can I impress her?

Business:
When like a man with skills and courage, I don't see anybody jumping off that high dive.

[Kid looks at a very tall diving board called a high dive]

Girl:
[standing at the high dive] Hi, Biz.

Kid:
[gulp]

[Kid is climbing on the high dive very nervous]

Kid:
[in a woman voice] Wow, Kid, I can't believe you go from that high up. You're so brave. Maybe we can go to a movie sometime. [in a deep man voice] Shut up, baby. Drink some popcorn on them. [a flock of geese flies by, making Kid feel cold]

Condor:
What's he doing up on a high dive?

Erik:
That's a high dive? I thought it was a cellphone tower.

Business:
He's showing his courage.

Wise:
I think I see his courage running down his leg.

Business:
Don't baby him, pops. He's old enough to stand up on his own. [Cut to a flashback with Kid at the hospital wearing a body cast, where he sucks soda from a straw while a song plays. Back in reality, Business's phone rings. He answers it] Oh, hiyo, Mr. Takuhashi.

[Kid is standing on the diving board. He closes his eyes]

Kid:
[praying] If I make this... I'm gonna do all of my homework. [opens one eye and stares down the very low swimming pool] Iiiiiiiiiiiiis thaaaaaaaaaaaat coooooouuuuuuraaaaaage? [dives off the board and falls down with all his might]

Li:
No. [Business and Wise are swimming in the pool]

Wise:
Don't worry, Kid! I'm coming to get you!

Business:
I got you now.

[Kid opens his eyes and screams as he falls. He waves his arms and legs and finally hits the pool. He sinks into the water. Li dives to the pool and saves him from drowning]

Kid:
[Li looks at his eyes after saving him] Did... did you just save me?

Li:
Are you okay?

Yugi:
[pushes Li away] Stand aside, little one. This kid needs lip to mine.

[leans closer to Kid's face]

Kid:
*NOOOOOOOOO*!

[Yugi gives him a huge sloppy kiss]

Athlete:
Well, how was your first kiss?

Kid:
[takes Yugi's last piece of hair out of his mouth] Come on, Athlete, you know his account. Made a fool of myself. I shouldn't have listened to Biz.

Athlete:
He wants the best for you. Maybe you should've listened to Wise.

Kid:
Riiiiiight. If I listen to him, I'd be married with three kids by now.

Athlete:
Yo. Stay on the court.

Kid:
You're right. Forget about girls. I'm no good at it. I'm good at this. [shoots the basketball at the hoop]

Athlete:
[ruffles Kid's hair] Stay on the court, Kid.

Kid:
I got it, Athlete. Geez. [Athlete walks away and Li arrives]

Athlete:
Do you?

Li:
That was a nice shot. You're a lot better at basketball than you are at diving.

Kid:
Yeah.

Li:
How about a little one-at-one?

Kid:
Sure, that sounds great. [Kid tosses the ball to Li, who practices with it and shoots it]

Li:
Booya!

[Kid and Li laugh]