Trailer Park Boys

Mr. Lahey:
Where ya stayin' Rick?

Ricky:
At the f***-off hotel Lahey.

Mr. Lahey:
Why don't you get a life Rick? Why don't ya go to community college like Julian here. Hey, I got a good idea. You could teach, livin' in a car and growin' dope 101.

Ricky:
Hehe. And you can teach how to get drunk, get fired from the police force become a... lousy trailer park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a f***in' idiot that doesn't wear a shirt and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good... 101.

Julian:
Ricky, I'm telling you, you gotta stop growing pot.

Ricky:
Come on, man, you can't tell me to do that.

Julian:
I'm serious Ricky.

Ricky:
You can't tell me to do that. It's like telling the NWA to stop being black.

Ricky:
Knock knock.

Cory:
What?

Ricky:
Knock knock.

Cory:
Who's there?

Ricky:
Two f***ing idiots who don't know when to come around and buy dope. Now, get the f*** out of here.

[repeated line]

Danny:
[in the background] What in the f***?

Ricky:
The thing with kids and growings and getting learnings and stuff is that... You can't lie to them. Basically, if you wanna tell the children they can't do something they're gonna want to do it more. When I was young I did all kinds of crazy sh*t and I turned out wicked. That's because my dad was f***in' cool, he let me do sh*t. I was allowed to drive his car around the park, basically took my dirt bike to school, let me grow dope in his shed in grade 7. You know, that's what good parenting is all about. You gotta let them have a bit of freedom.

Ricky:
[talking about the gay bar] Well, I wasn't one who really f***ing noticed anything out of the ordinary but they were requesting songs like Madonna and that which is f***ing awesome, but it was Julian who noticed something really f***ing weird.

Ricky:
What, do you own space? No, NASA does. [pronounces it "Nay-Saw"]

Satellite Employee:
Naysaw?

Ricky:
Rocket people? Perhaps you've heard of them?

Satellite Employee:
It's NASA!

Danny:
[shouts] For f*** sakes, Ricky! What the f*** are you doing with the satellites? I paid ten f***in' dollars! I want my f***ing satellite signal! Jesus Christ!

Ricky:
Danny, chill the f*** out! I'm f***ing trying here, it'll be back up in a bit! Calm the f*** down.

Satellite Employee:
Look, if these satellites aren't down in ten minutes, I'll have no choice but to call the cops.

Julian:
Ricky, get the dishes off my roof.

Ricky:
[starts throwing dishes off the roof] I'll take every f***ing one of these down, is that what you want? F***in' retards. I don't give a f*** about this stupid bullshit. [smashes a dish through the TV van's windshield] There, they're in the f***in' van, now leave.

Danny:
[in the background] Ten f***in' dollars a month!

Ricky:
[about their illegal gas station] Unleaded, blue container. Supreme, red container. Diesel in the green. Okay, are we clear here, guys?

Cory:
Yeah, but how can you tell which is the Supreme?

Ricky:
What, are you stupid? You f***in' taste it. Unleaded tastes a little tangy. Supreme is kinda sour, and diesel tastes pretty good.

Trevor:
We're not stupid Julian.

Julian:
Yes you are stupid, that's why I have to tell you this.

Randy:
...I want my barbeque.

Ricky:
You know what Randy, you're totally right and you know what I'm gonna do for ya?

Randy:
What?

Ricky:
Jack Sh*t.

[repeated line]

J-Roc:
Ya know what I'm sayin'?

[after Ricky spots Julian with Tanya at the Chinese food restaurant]

Ricky:
Why aren't you watching the dope plants, you a**hole?

Julian:
Calm down Ricky, I'm just grabbing some take-out.

Ricky:
Take-out my ass, looks to me like you're on a date with cinnamon-roll-f***in-head.

Bubbles:
Have a nice day, and go f*** yourself.

Bubbles:
COCKSUCKERS.

Ricky:
Don't you have some offs to f*** there, boys?

Randy:
What?

Ricky:
F*** off!

Sarah:
No, J-Roc's not crazy. He just genuinely believes he's black.

Bubbles:
Here's what I know, Rick. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, you own it. If it doesn't, you don't own it. And if it doesn't you're an a**hole, just like you.

[while delivering his speech drunk, to become trailer park supervisor]

Mr. Lahey:
Who is this park, or even in the whole world, doesn't have problems? Who doesn't have a drink too many times once in a while and maybe even winds up passed out in their own driveway, pissing themselves? Who doesn't drink too much sometimes or who doesn't have a puff from time to time? And who doesn't have problems with the people they love? This is our home. This is our community. I am Jim Lahey, and *I am your trailer park supervisor!*

Ricky:
Bubbles give me the cat back.

Bubbles:
Go f*** yourself.

Julian:
Wanna go have a few drinks and smoke a joint Bubbles?

Bubbles:
Yes.

Ricky:
Oh for f***-sakes.

Ricky:
You guys are bleeding, you're not getting in my f***in car.

Bubbles:
Oh, for f***-sakes. [grabs bag of chips out of Ricky's hand, rips it open and and covers Trevor's wounds with it]

Trevor:
Ow, Bubbles, those are salt and vinegar!

[arguing with Julian about buying a wedding ring]

Ricky:
I'm not getting Lucy one of those 'Cubic Zarcarbian' f***in' things.

[taking out bullet's from Ricky's gunshot wound for the second time in one day]

Sam Losco:
I knew a guy who got shot twice in one day, he was a real dick.

Ricky:
Oh look, we got us a comedian... wait a sec, were you calling me a dick?

Sam Losco:
What do you think?

Ricky:
[pauses and looks at the camera] Was he calling me a dick?

Ricky:
I try to be a role model for kids around the park. If some kid wants to grow dope, they can come talk to me, instead of growing dope 6 or 7 times through denial and error, they're going to get it right the first time and have some good dope.

J-Roc:
In this park it's one muthaf***a for one and all muthaf***a for all muthaf***a's

Ricky:
F***, that's good pepperoni!

Bubbles (singing to Randy while drunk):
F***in' Randy's gut, is full of dirty old cheeseburgers!

Mr. Lahey:
He's takin' the sh*t tornado right back to Oz.

Randy:
Well that would make Sam, Dorothy. Right Mr. Lahey?

Mr. Lahey:
Right, Randy.

Bubbles:
Please J-ROC. I'll give you two grams of blonde Lebanese hash.

J-Roc:
That's not even blonde mothaf***a.

Bubbles:
Well it's dirty blonde.

Ricky:
[to Trevor almost everytime he sees him] Smokes, let's go.

Ricky:
Lucy, smokes, let's go.

Lucy:
F*** you.

Ricky:
F***, I missed jail this year. Was it awesome?

Sara:
Ricky, can you tell me why there's a mountain lion trying to bang one of my boyfriends?

Bubbles:
I'd like to see that Red Blue Green cocksucker put one of those together, duct-tapin' it.

Bubbles:
Well, that's a little harsh. He's not a punk. He might be a bit of a f***in' goof, but he's not a punk.

Cory:
J-Roc raps about gangsters & guns, pimps & hos and Compton. The guy's not from Compton. He's a white kid from a trailer park. He should rap about what he really knows which is living in his mom's trailer eating peanut butter sandwiches.

[Lahey and Randy show up to shut down the concert]

Bubbles:
Hey guys, Captain Arsehole and Wonderboy are coming.

Conky:
[to Julian after he pulls the gun out of Ricky's hand] Oh, those were excellent negotiation tactics you used... Patrick... Swayze.

Ricky:
[With Julian, searching for Bubbles' puppet Conky] Julian, I don't f***in' know where it is. It was grade 6. I was drunk.

Treena Lahey:
You're not as bad as my dad says.

Ricky:
Yeah, well, your dad is a bit of an idiot.

J-Roc's Mom:
Jamie, how many 29 year old record company presidents operate out of their mom's trailers? Know what I'm sayin'?

J-Roc:
Believe it or not ma, some people think I'm gonna make it in this rap game!, know what I'm sayin'

Ricky:
God damnit Trinity, you can't smoke with the patch on.

Trinity:
Well you're smoking with the patch on.

Ricky:
Yeah, well Daddy's much bigger then you are so he can.

Ricky:
[to Randy] Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some "ja-lap-ano" chips and $2 worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.

Randy:
Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?

Julian:
[pronouncing Jalape?o correctly] Yeah, pick me up a bag of Jalape?o chips.

Ricky:
Jalape?o? What flavor is that?

Julian:
Ricky, the J is silent. You're saying it wrong.

Bubbles:
The J is like an H, Ricky. "Hal-a-peeno", not "ja-lap-ano".

Ricky:
[confused] What in the f*** are you guys talking about?

Bubbles:
"Hal-a-peeno". That's how you pronounce it.

Ricky:
I know how to pronounce it! I ordered f***in' ja-lap-ano!

Ricky:
Knock-knock, Lahey.

Mr. Lahey:
Who's there, Ricky?

Ricky:
A f***in' shitty f***in' trailer park supervisor who hangs around with a big-gutted drunk elf who thinks he's gettin' us thrown back in jail but he can't 'cause he's got no evidence and he's dumb as f***, and he's got this other thing goin' on in his head that's tryin' to... twirly around and... f***in' get... different... F***!

Ricky:
Make like a tree and f*** off.

Julian:
Yeah, pick me up a bag of jalape?o chips

Ricky:
Jalapeno? What flavor is that?

Julian:
Ricky, the "J" is Silent

Bubbles:
Hal-Uh-Peno, not galapeno.

Ricky:
I know how to pronouce it, I ordered f***ing galapeno.

Ricky:
Hey Sam, knock knock!

Sam Losco:
[is stoned from the shrooms he ate in the hot dog before the speech] Who's there?

Ricky:
Get the f*** off the stage!

Ricky:
Treena, I'm stupid. I'm not as smart as everyone else.

Treena Lahey:
No, Ricky, you're not stupid, remember you're going to get your grade 10 and you'll be just as smart as everyone else.

Ricky:
I dunno, Treena.

Treena Lahey:
OK, What's the capital of Nova Scotia?

Ricky:
That's easy, Halifax.

Treena Lahey:
OK, then what's the capital of British Columbia?

Ricky:
Victoriaville.

Treena Lahey:
See, Ricky, you're just as smart as everyone else.

J-Roc:
Yo, DVS, I am so down with your sh*t, tell me what's goin on my brother?

Detroit Velvet Smooth:
Brother... you callin' me your brother? Seems to me like one of us ain't black.

Mr. Lahey:
Birds of a shitfeather flock together, Randy.

Bubbles:
[when asked if his rocket can fly] Can it fly? Does the Tin Man have a sheet-metal cock?

Bubbles:
Do you want to see a rocket go, Randy?

Randy:
Does it really launch, Bubbles?

Bubbles:
[rhetorically] Does it really launch? Does the tin man have a sheet metal cock?

Julian:
[talking to camera] In sixth grade Bubbles made this puppet he called Conky.

Ricky:
What a little a**hole.

Julian:
Bubbles took it everywhere with him. It was kinda like his confidant.

Ricky:
His what?

Julian:
Never mind. Anyway, we had to take the doll away because he, you know, f***ed Bubbles' mind up.

Ricky:
Yeah, it was like, even though Bubbles was Bubbles, he was two people at the same time as bein' Bubbles. He was tryin' to be this other person that wasn't Bubbles, but he was still Bubbles. It was, it was f***ed.

Ricky:
I'd say we got about a ten per cent chance of gettin' out of this one boys.

Officer George Green:
[from out the window] Attention, this is the police. Come out with your hands up...

Ricky:
Is that George Green?

Bubbles:
That's definitely George Green.

Ricky:
Wicked. Okay, forget what I said, our chances just went up to about ninety five per cent.

Julian:
Ricky, you're pointing a loaded handgun at a puppet. Behind the puppet is our friend. The bullet will go through the doll and kill Bubbles. Give me the gun.

Ricky:
I gotta kill this f***in puppet, Julian.

Ricky:
Holy f***, purple squirrels!

Ricky:
What the f***? Julian, it must be the fumes, i'm hallucinating, man! Looks like Bubbles has got wings on his back and he's strangling Mike Bullard!

Conky:
Oh, those were excellent negotiation tactics you used, Patrick Swayze.

Julian:
That's not funny, Bubbles.

Conky:
[singing] Ohhh my Julian, my handsome Julian Patrick Swayze you were so f***in' sexy in Road House and f***in' Dirty Dancing.

[Julian raises his gun and shoots Conky in the face]

Ricky:
Boys, what the f*** is up with me getting shot with three darts, and it didn't even affect me? I must be like a superhero or something.

Julian:
Maybe you've got so much dope in your system, you're immune, Rick.

Bubbles:
Well, if that's the case, then Julian, he is like a superhero. Holy f***, Ricky, you know who you are? You're Dope-Man! He can smoke a pound in a single bound.

Randy:
I can't get stoned, Ricky.

Ricky:
What do you mean? It's shitty work. Everybody does that, all right? Carpenters, electricians, dishwashers, floor cleaners, lawyers, doctors, f***in' politicians, CBC employees, principals, people who paint the lines on the f***in' roads, get stoned, it'll be fun, get to work! Oh, and this is the most important, go down to the Sh*t-Mart. I need a bag of chicken chips. If they don't have chicken, get me dill pickle. And I want a chocolate milk.

Mr. Lahey:
Randy just doesn't understand. I mean I love him dearly, but I hate Ricky more. I just don't want to have to put up with that prick for the rest of my life. You know, he grew up as a little sh*t-spark from the old sh*t-flint. And then he turned into a sh*t-bonfire and then driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance, he turned into a raging sh*t-firestorm. If I get to be married to Barb i'll have total control of Sunnyvale, and then I can unleash a shitnami tidal wave that'll engulf Ricky and extinguish his sh*t-flames forever. And with any luck, he'll drown in the undershit of that wave. Sh*t-waves.

Julian:
[Ricky is shoving a gun in Conky's face after he called him "Reveen"] Rick, you are pointing a loaded handgun at a puppet.

Ricky:
Yes, I am.

Julian:
Behind the puppet is our friend. The bullet will go through the doll and kill Bubbles. Give me the gun.

Ricky:
[pauses, seethes] I gotta kill this puppet, Julian.

Julian:
Listen, Ricky, you're only at school for one reason, and that's to sell drugs.

Ricky:
Knock, Knock, Trevor.

Trevor:
I'm not gonna say, "Who's there?", man.

Ricky:
You just did, you f***ing idiot!

[tears off his pants]

[Ricky goes over the department store's public address system]

Ricky:
Mr. Lahey and Randy to the F***-off department. Mr. Lahey and Randy to the F***-off department and hurry the f*** up!

Ricky:
[sees Randy showering outside] Randy, I can see you through all those goddamn liquor bags and lawn-chair strapping, f***sakes!

Randy:
Well, stop friggin' looking, Rick!

Ricky:
Randy can't fight with his pants on, he doesn't want to tear his precious little pants. So when the pants come off, look the f*** out!

Mr. Lahey:
I might shoot you, and then I might shoot myself. Tell you what, you guess Ricky. Guess who i'm gonna shoot first. Will it be you Rick?

Ricky:
No.

Mr. Lahey:
Or will it be me?

Ricky:
Yeah.

Mr. Lahey:
You?

Ricky:
No!

Mr. Lahey:
Me?

Ricky:
Yeah! Shoot yourself, don't shoot me.

Ricky:
Randy only fights with his pants off because he's worried that he'll ruin his tight pants so when the pants come off... look... the f*** out.

Julian:
Where did you guys hand those flyers out at?

Cory:
Sh*t dude, we sent them to this new bar, The Empty Closet.

Julian:
The Empty Closet... Huh, why am I not surprised?

J-Roc:
Can't we talk? You're acting awful hard Randy.

Randy:
Well sometimes life is hard, J-Roc.

J-Roc:
Randy, sometimes, you're fat. You don't hear me talk about that, do you? [Pointing to baby-mamas] Look down dawg, nawmsayin'? Ya understand? Seems to me, like you should be able to understand and be sympathetic to what it's like to be pregnant, dawg.

Randy:
What are you talking about, J-Roc?

J-Roc:
Oh what, you a'int pregnant with a bucket of chicken? [Addressing unborn child] Hey, lemme tell you somethin' little maf***er. When you grow up, don't grow up to be like that maf***er right there! [Pointing to Randy] Randy, you a'int even had your ultrasound yet, have you dawg? I could do you right now. [Uses bling like a stethoscope] I hear chicken. I hear cola fizz, and mustard and relish coagulating together with french fries and onion rings, but you know what? I don't hear a heart, motherf***er. C'mon ladies, let's pack this sh*t up. That's whack, Randy. Go on with your wallet. AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU, HAIRY B*TCH!

Phil Collins:
[to Sam Losco] Hey, you owe me you f***in' greasy caveman!

[repeated line]

Julian:
Think Ricky!

[Outside a club]

Julian:
There's no male dancers in there, right?

Trevor:
No, that's every second Tuesday and Thursday.

Ricky:
You know, your thoughts might be better than mine but I have thoughts going around in my head too about different thinkings and brain things that you can use... and doing different things... and I think I know what's best for my daughter. So f*** off and let me fix the brakes for my daughter and then I'll help you with the hash. You guys don't always know what's best. My f***in' thoughts have feelings of their own too sometimes.

Bubbles:
Ricky, what are you talking about?

Ricky:
I don't know, Bubbles. I don't know.

Julian:
There's something you forgot about. The liquor works for both sides, buddy.

Mr. Lahey:
You might be sexy, Julian, but you can't teach me anything about liquor.

Ricky:
What in the f*** are you dressed up as a bumblebee for? And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?

Mr. Lahey:
It's none of your goddamn business, Ricky. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play for the Blandford Recreation Centre next Thursday.

Randy:
No! Mr. Lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.

Mr. Lahey:
We were practicing, Randy.

Randy:
It's not Halloween, we're not doing community theatre.

Mr. Lahey:
Randy...

Randy:
Were consenting adults. And what we do in the privacy of our own home is... is fine, Mr. Lahey.

Mr. Lahey:
Randy, please.

Randy:
And I don't care. I don't care if the whole world knows that we like to dress up, that we like to have some fun... and that, we're a couple. Hey everybody! We're gay!

Ricky:
[shocked] What?

Randy:
Say it Mr. Lahey. It feels great.

Mr. Lahey:
[long pause] Alright Randy. We'll do it your way. Everybody... I'm gay.

[the camera turns to a shocked Bubbles, who akwardly turns away]

Ricky:
Hey Lahey, knock knock.

Mr. Lahey:
Who's there, Rick?

Ricky:
Mr. Stupidy-head, thats, f***in' pissin' me off right now and thinks he's the captain of the Sh*t-liner, and by the way your fish stick sucks so f*** off!

Ricky:
Getting caught masturbating sucks. I got caught masturbating in jail 7 or 8 times, it really sucks.

Ricky:
[playing 'Spacemen'] Breaker breaker, come in Earth, this is Rocket Ship 27, aliens f***ed over the carbonator on engine four, I'm gonna try to ref***ulate it on Juniper. Uhh, and hopefully they've got some, space weed there, over. How... how was that buddy? I don't f***in' know.

Bubbles:
Ricky... that's not very good. Use space words, real ones, not talking about space weed.

Ricky:
NAYSA, power rockets are firin' all over the place... they got lasers that are shootin' and uh... Bubbles I can't f***in' do this.

[His speech to become trailer park supervisor, after the boys slip some magic mushrooms into his hot dog]

Sam Losco:
Now, my number one priority is to clean up the criminal activity in this park, and those responsible for it. And you know who I'm talking about.

Ricky:
Why don't you go f*** yourself, you f***ing dick? You're not even from this park.

Sam Losco:
I'm just getting started, boy. You just wait.

Ricky:
Yeah we'll see about that, you dick.

Sam Losco:
Now I plan on working hand in hand with the poli- with the people of this park, and the police... departure, we're...

Sam Losco:
[He suddenly stops and stares into space] This is f***ed up... uhh... I'll look at Ricky's ass, after you... no. You get that lawnmower...

Ricky:
You're on f***ing drugs!

Bubbles:
Sam's on drugs everybody!

J-Roc:
[making a turntable motion in the air] Nobody can understand what you're brrrrrrzzzzzss-sayin'!

Ricky:
[Hallucinating while peeing against the side of a building] Telling me to f*** myself? No you f*** off you little f***!

Julian:
Rick, who the hell are you talking to?

Ricky:
F***ing squirrel on my shoulder just told me to f*** off!

Bubbles:
Ricky, you're hallucinating!

Julian:
Listen, get a hold of yourself Ricky... Ricky you just pissed on me!

Ricky:
Well you pulled me away!

Julian:
Listen, pretend you're on mushrooms, alright? Just go with it.

Bubbles:
Everybody calm down! For f***s sakes! Is this all about cheeseburgers?

Randy:
Yes!

Bubbles:
Well Randy, I've got some burger meat at my shed, I'll cook some up for you, if that'll diffuse the situation!

Julian:
You're prostituting yourself out for cheeseburgers again, aren't you?

Randy:
A man's gotta eat, Julian.

[Cory and Trevor are visibly aroused at a strip club]

Danny:
[In the background] F*** OFF WITH THE F***ING ERECTIONS!

Bubbles:
[Later] F***in' way she goes and erections ruined the whole f***ing night.

Jacob Collins:
Baaaaaaaaaaam!

Phil Collins:
Peanut butter and jaaaaaaaaaaam!

Mr. Lahey:
What the f*** are you doing, Phil?

Phil Collins:
Listen boy, when you're under my roof, it's my rules, and burgers is all about them rules. Burgers were good to me and they're good to you!

Ricky:
Get two birds stoned at once.

Jacob Collins:
Come on dad, give us a bam.

Phil Collins:
Sorry son, I can't give you a bam. But I can give you a... a green eggs and HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMM!

Ricky:
I love all creatures like gophers and deerts, and those things that fly and everything else, but f*** seagulls. I got no time for those cocksuckers.

[Ricky drives to the police station, trying to get himself arrested]

Ricky:
'Closed for renovations'? This is f***ed!

[Phil Collins keeps burping all over everyone]

Bubbles:
There's onion ring fragments on me, get 'em off!

Ricky:
I mean how many fathers can give a nine-year-old daughter a car? I'm just happy I'm in a position where I can do something like that.

Mr. Lahey:
Many are called, Rick.

Ricky:
And many can f*** off, Lahey!

[repeated line]

Cyrus:
F*** off, I got work to do!

Ricky:
I mean, nobody wants to admit they ate nine cans of ravioli, but I did. I'm ashamed of myself. The first can doesn't count, then you get to the second and third, fourth and fifth I think I burnt with the blowtorch, and then I just kept eatin'.

Mr. Lahey:
Let's cut to the chase Rick. There will be no jeopardization of the people in this park. Do you understand that?

Ricky:
No.

Officer Erica Miller:
Stop staring at my tits, Bubbles.

Bubbles:
I wasn't.

Officer Erica Miller:
Yes you were.

Bubbles:
I was not!

Randy:
I need a cheeseburger!

Jim Lahey:
Whats that got to do with the...

Randy:
I need a store bought cheeseburger.

Jim Lahey:
...Smoky outfit? Your not thinking about going back on the street are you Randy?

Randy:
A man's gotta eat.

Randy:
I cant get stoned Ricky!

Ricky:
What do you mean? Its shitty work everybody does that, alright. Carpenters, electricians, dishwashers, floor cleaners, lawyers, doctors, f***ing politicians, CBC employees, principals, people who paint the lines on the f***in' road. Get stoned, it'll be fun. Get to work.

Conky:
Woohoo! Today's getaway has been brought to you by, the letter F... for f***ed in the head, which you are, Ricky!

Mr. Lahey:
You guys are under arrest for grand theft swayze train!

Ricky:
You're under f*** off for grand f***in' offin'!

Conky:
I think your plan was f***ed right off the bat Julien. Why wouldn't you put the alien trevors on a mule and send them over the border like a regular drug dealer ya f***in idiot!

Ricky:
Shut up conky, the train prolly just burnt up in the forest fire

Jacob Collins:
Ba ba ba ba ba ba baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!

Ricky:
Jacob! Boys the cigarettes!

Conky:
F***!

Conky:
Today's getaway is brought to you by the letter F, for "f***ed in the head", which you are, Ricky!

Ricky:
How f***in' drunk are you right now?

Mr. Lahey:
...6 out of 10.

Bubbles:
Lahey, can you please get the Flying F*** out of our way? We gotta go get Rush tickets!

Ricky:
Rush's don't do stuff like that. They got these lyrics about... how trees are talking to each other, and how different sides of your brain works, and outer space bullshit.

[Kidnapping Rush guitarist Alex Lifeson]

Ricky:
Hotel Security! This man's drunk as f***, he's on drugs, he's a male prostitute. I'm gonna escort him out of here!

Ricky:
[Narrating] I may have called him a male prostitute. I don't remember exactly, but very well he could be a male prostitute. You don't know that. But he got pissed off at me, saying 'Oh, you kidnapped me!' It wasn't kidnapping, so if he's gonna say I kidnapped him, I'm gonna call him a male prostitute.

Ricky:
[Bubbles is inside the vet's office, attacking Randy, while Ricky watches from outside. He has accidentally glued a rag to his nose with contect cement]

Ricky:
What the f***?... Julian, it must be the fumes. I'm hallucinating, man. It looks like Bubbles has wings on his back and he's strangling Mike Bullard.

Julian:
In sixth grade Bubbles made this puppet he called Conky.

Ricky:
What a little a**hole.

Julian:
He took the doll with him everywhere. It was kind of like his confidante.

Ricky:
His what?

Julian:
Never mind. Anyway, we had to take the doll away, because it f***ed Bubbles' mind up big time.

Ricky:
Yeah, it was like, even though Bubbles was Bubbles, he was two people at the same time as bein' Bubbles. He was trying to be this other person that wasn't Bubbles, but he was still Bubbles. It was, it was f***ed.

Nurse:
And what is your problem, sir?

Ricky:
Well, now I can't smoke. That's my first problem. I have a busted nose, which I now have a rag glued to. And a f***in' truck glued to my hand! How's that for a start?

Conky:
And he's f***ed in the head. He needs a brain transplant.

[after Julian shoots Conky the puppet in the face, breaking Bubbles out of his temporary insanity]

Sam Losco:
Smoking much dope lately, boys?

Jim Lahey:
You write your little letter to Santa Claus yet, Rick?

Ricky:
Thats pretty f***ing funny. Actually I did. You know how it starts? Dear Santa Claus: Go F*** Yourself!

J-Roc:
[while being carried away by the police for recording porn in his trailer] Gotta get my smoke machine, ya know what I'm sayin'?

Ricky:
Knock knock Trevor?

Trevor:
I'm not going to say "who's there" man.

Ricky:
...You just did you f***ing idiot.

Bubbles:
Holy f*** Ray, look! Hot hamburger sandwiches!

Ray:
More like hot pull the f*** over!

[Ricky and Julian are having a gun standoff with Cyrus]

Cyrus:
And give me those f***ing guns too, boys! I gave those to Terry and Dennis for their birthday.

Julian:
Guess what?

Cyrus:
What?

Julian:
This is my gun now, so f*** off!

Cyrus:
No, you f*** off!

Julian:
No, you f*** off!

Cyrus:
No, you f*** off!

Ricky:
Cyrus, you f*** off first and then we'll f*** off!

Bubbles:
Ricky, just - everybody, we'll all f*** off at the same time. Calm down.

Ricky:
I'm not f***in' off.

Cyrus:
Well, then I guess we're gonna f***ing stand still, aren't we Ricky?

Ricky:
Yeah, I know how to fix that.

Cyrus:
How?

Ricky:
F*** off!

Ricky:
J-Roc, I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optometrist but you gotta keep your eye on randy he's f***ing around, he's doin' stuff. I don't trust that f***in' guy, I don't.

Jim Lahey:
You know whats at work here? Its sh*t tectonics. When two sh*t plates strike and come together under incredible pressure, what happens Bubbs?

Bubbles:
What Mr Lahey?

Jim Lahey:
...Sh*t-quake.

Randy:
But Mr. Lahey, someone could get killed!

Jim Lahey:
Wouldn't that be nice.

Randy:
Mr Lahey, is this you talking or the liquor?

Jim Lahey:
Randy... I am the liquor.

Julian:
[after listening to Lucy hitting on him and Ricky mourning his loss of Lucy on his answering machine] I need some advice. I gotta go talk to Bubbles.

Ricky:
I've met cats and dogs smarter than Trevor and Cory. In fact, most cats and dogs are smarter than Trevor and Cory.

J-Roc:
What are you lookin' at my eyes for? I ain't got no candy for you, you see some candy?

Ricky:
I'm a hell of a lot better father than you'll ever f***in' be.

Lucy:
You have no idea how stupid you are, do you?

Ricky:
Actually, yes I do.

Bubbles:
[to Sam Losco] Is it just me, or can someone here go f*** themselves?

J-Roc:
[Sam is making a speech while stoned on mushrooms] Nobody understands what you're know what I'm sayin'.

Sam:
So.

Ricky:
Hey Sam, knock knock.

Sam:
Who's there?

Ricky:
Get the f*** of the stage ya idiot!

Ricky:
[Cory and Trevor are putting up signs for Sam Losco] What the f*** are you doing?

Trevor:
Sam said he'll give us some homemade hotdogs if we put these signs up.

Ricky:
Well I'm gonna give you some homemade f***-offs right now. [gives them the bird and rips the signs out of the ground]

Sam Losco:
What's the matter? You can't hear me Sussudio?

Sam Losco:
Drive Easy Lover!

Bubbles:
You guys wanna stay and watch? You wanna see a rocket go, Randy?

Randy:
Does it really launch, Bubbles?

Bubbles:
Does it really launch? Does the Tin Man have a sheet metal cock?

Ricky:
[on Julian's answering machine] Julian. It's Ricky here... just lettin' you know that, uh, I've thought about this, I feel I have no other options, I'm gona go down to Lahey's trailer, I'm gonna break in, and I'm basically probably going to kill Mr Lahey, and I'm thinkin' about killin' Randy as well, and I'm gonna take the porno tape back. I've talked to Bubbles about it and he's probably gonna give me a hand 'cos we both can't have this tape floatin' around, so... anyway, you know, I was kinda countin' on you to maybe help plan this but if you don't want to, that's up to you, just hope you won't feel guilty when me and Bubbles are in jail and you know you could have prevented a murder. Talk to you later.

Julian:
SAM. You're buying dope off of *Sam*?

Ricky:
Sam's got some serious sh*t.

Julian:
No, what Sam's got is some serious problems, Ricky.

Ricky:
[on the phone with Trinity] Hey Munchkin. [pause] Daddy's bum's fine, honey. Yeah. [pause] Why are you talkin' so funny? [pause] Well don't drink any more of it, all right?

Julian:
[handing him a crowbar] Break in.

Ricky:
Why do *I* have to break in?

Julian:
Because it's all your fault and I'm in charge!

Desiree:
You know, you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat animals. One hour with Ricky and the dog's on drugs.

Ricky:
Make like a tree and f*** off!

Bubbles:
You're not really marrying Lahey's ex-wife are ya?

Ricky:
I don't know, I think so or I don't know! Fu... I don't know!

Julian:
Ricky, what do you mean you think so?

Ricky:
Look Julian, I was baked out of my f***ing mind, it seemed like a good idea at the time alright? It's not everyday somebody f***ing asks you to get married, is it? It's pretty f***ing cool Julian.

Julian:
Listen to me Rick, we're about to sell a huge amount of dope here and get rich, ok? What if you marry her and it doesn't work out? Huh?

Ricky:
Marry somebody else?

Bubbles:
No I'll tell you what's gonna happen, she can take half your sh*t man. She can take half your car, half the trailer park, half your video game, she can even take half your cigarettes Ricky. That's not gonna happen man because most of that sh*t's ours.

Bubbles:
Not just that Ricky, but you're supposed to get married to somebody that you think is special, not just somebody that f***in' fires a lunch together for you and you go and get your freak on with. Do you even love her?

Ricky:
Probably.

Julian:
Ricky, Lahey will hunt you down. Ok? Go talk to Barb, tell her you were too stoned at the time and you need to think about it.

Bubbles:
Used furniture store is not a bad idea Julian. Keep Lahay and Randy distracted, make a few bucks.

Ricky:
Exactly. Get two birds stoned at once.

Cyrus:
F*** off, I got work to do!

Julian:
I want you outta that car in two days though, Ricky.

Ricky:
No more than two weeks, I promise.

Teacher:
Who's smoking?

Cyrus:
Ricky.

Ricky:
Well, he's f***ing cheating.

[points at Jacob]

Ricky:
Take a look at his arms and neck.

Teacher:
Jacob, I'm disappointed, I'm calling your mother. Cyrus, both of you guys can leave my classroom.

[kicks both Cyrus and Jacob out of the classroom]

Ricky:
Hey, Cyrus, knock, knock!

Cyrus:
Who's there?

Ricky:
Somebody who just failed grade 10.

Cyrus:
F*** off, I got work to do!

Ricky:
Good luck finding a job, since you failed Grade 10, f***in' idiot.

Teacher:
Richard, you're treading on thin ice!

Ricky:
Sorry, Miss Hagen.

Bible Person:
Can you read, my son?

Bubbles:
That depends, can you go f*** yourself?

Tanya:
Have you read the Bible?

Bubbles:
Maybe I have, maybe I haven't - what's it to you?

Hampton - The Bible Pimp:
CAN you read, my son?

Bubbles:
Well, that depends - can you go f*** yourself?

Ray:
That's the way she goes, boys. Sometimes she goes, sometimes she doesn't cause that's the f***ing way she goes.

Ricky:
I'm not the kind of person to say atodaso, but you know what? Atodaso! I f***in' atodaso!

Bubbles:
You all right, Corey? I don't give a f***, actually.

Bubbles:
Green Bastard, from parts unknown.

Jim Lahey:
Feel that?

Randy:
Feel what Mr Lahey?

Jim Lahey:
The way the sh*t clings to the air Randy...

Randy:
Sh*t clings to the air?

Jim Lahey:
Its already started my dear good friend.

Randy:
Whats started, Mr Lahey?

Jim Lahey:
The Sh*t Blizzard.

Sarah:
It's fine with me if Julian wants to take Trevor and Corey out for an afternoon or whatever, as long as he treats them properly. Whenever they go out with Ricky and Julian, what happens? They come home crying, dehydrated, mysterious wounds, they won't tell me what happened because they're scared to death of those guys.

Bubbles:
[about piss jugs] Well, Ray used to be on the road as a trucker, and that's what truckers do! They're drivin' along, and they've got deadlines to meet... they don't wanna pull in and... park the truck, walk in, take a pee in the toilet, then go back out and get on the road... they just have an old jug and they... put their bird in it, have a pee, cap it off, and once it's full they just drill the f***in' thing out on the highway! I mean, I don't agree with it. I see where they're comin' from, trying to make their deadlines, but... Ray's been firing them all over the park like he's still drivin' a truck!

Bubbles:
Cops, cops. There's Randy with no pants on!

Julian:
[to Ray in jail] All you gotta do is keep a low profile, you're gonna be fine.

Ray:
Oh 'low profile'? What are you, reading books again Julian?

Julian:
What's wrong with reading books?

Ray:
Nothing's wrong with reading books, but there's only one books that counts Julian, and that's the Bible. It says to help your friends.

Julian:
Oh yeah? Does it say anything about you rippin' off insurance companies, pretendin' to be in a wheelchair then gettin' caught drunk, dancin' with ho's makin' porn flicks? Huh? Anythin in your book about that, Ray?

Ray:
[pause] It's open to interpretation, Julian, it's the Bible.

Julian:
Ray, does the Bible also say something about committing Insurance Fraud by sitting in a wheelchair and then going to jail because you got caught dancing with two hookers totally drunk while doing a porn movie, does the Bible say anything about that?

Bubbles:
[to Ricky and Julian] On second thought, maybe I will go with you guys. I don't wanna stay here with that drunk bastard.

Mr. Lahey:
What'd you call me, Bubbles?

Bubbles:
Nothin'.

Mr. Lahey:
Do you know what a Sh*t Barometer is, boy?

Bubbles:
What?

Mr. Lahey:
Measures the Sh*t Pressure in the air. When the Barometer rises, and you'll feel it too, your ears will implode with the Sh*t Pressure. I tried to warm you, Bubs, but you picked the wrong side! Beware, the Sh*t Winds are a-comin'. [leaves Bubbles panicking]

Jacob Collins:
Baaaaaaammmmm!

Phil Collins:
Peanut butter and jaaaaaaaaammmmmmm!

Mr. Lahey:
What the f*** are ya doin', Phil?

Mr. Lahey:
[Drunk] Oooh, nice Mall-Cop uniform, Ricky!

Ricky:
Don't even f***in' start with me today, Lahey! I'm not in the mood.

Mr. Lahey:
I beg your pardon; I was only a real cop. I was never an important Mall-Cop like you, Rick.

Ricky:
Knock knock.

Mr. Lahey:
Who's there, Rick?

Ricky:
Somebody.

Mr. Lahey:
Somebody who?

Ricky:
Somebody whose ex-wife owns the trailer park is the only reason you got the job as trailer park supervisor; you got fired from the police force 'cause you f***ed up bigtime, but we're not gonna' talk about that, are we? And now, you're gonna' get fired from this job 'cause you're nothin' but a drunk f***in' idiot who can't even run the trailer park! You're drunk right now, I can smell the f***in'liquor on ya' from here. Go away for 18 months to jail and everything goes to f***in' sh*t, doesn't it, Lahey? Let your little buddy with the no f***in' shirt move in with my girlfriend and ruin my whole f***in' life; now there's f***in' sh*t everywhere in this f***in' trailer park! Ya' f***in' idiot. [Lahey has been dumbstruck throughout all of this]

Bubbles:
He just waltzes in there, and becomes the king of the carts. What the f*** does he think I'm supposed to do? Go down to E.I. Hey there, yeah, I haul shopping carts out of ponds and sell them back to the store for a living, I've been doing it for eighteen years, so give me a f***ing check please. That's not gonna f***ing happen. I haven't been paying into U.I., E.I. or whatever the f*** there calling it these days.

Julian:
Bubbles, what happened to my trailer park, man?

Ricky:
Looks like a tropical earthquake blew through here or something, man.

Ricky:
Knock knock?

Mr. Lahey:
Who's there, Rick?

Ricky:
Somebody.

Mr. Lahey:
Somebody who?

Ricky:
Somebody whose ex-wife owns the f***in' trailer park. It's the only reason you got the job as trailer park supervisor, 'cause you got fired from the police force, 'cause you f***ed up big time, but we're not gonna talk about that, are we? And now, you're gonna get fired from this job 'cause you're nothin' but a drunk f***in' idiot who can't even run the trailer park! You're drunk right now, I can smell the f***in' liquor on ya' from here!

Trevor:
Hey guys I found a mushroom that looks like a cock.

Ricky:
Trevor will you please stop thinking about c*cks for two seconds.

Trevor:
Hey Mr. Lahey, Julian's out here lifting weights with his shirt off and he wants you to come out and have a drink with him.

Ricky:
What in the f*** are you dressed up like a bumble bee for? And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?

Ricky:
[knocking on Julian's trailer door] Let's go, open the f***ing door, or I'm burning the trailer down!

Julian:
[offscreen, packing the getaway car] Why do we have all these f***ing bananas?

Ricky:
I'm pissed of at you, and especially you two d*cks! You guys are really f***in' stupid!

Trevor:
Sorry man, but you were shooting at us too.

Ricky:
I'm drunk! I'm really drunk and I don't need this sh*t!

Detective Ted Johnson:
We'll see you soon, Rick.

Ricky:
What do you mean by that?

Detective Ted Johnson:
Precisely what I said. That's why I chose the words.

J-Roc:
It's hard to admit it but, Mom, I'm white.

Ricky:
Right on, DVD.

Detroit Velvet Smooth:
That's DVS, motherf***er.

J-Roc:
[J-Roc is caught masturbating] Turn that sh*t off, motherf***er! I was gettin' changed, you know what I'm sayin'? I don't want that sh*t on TV. I don't want motherf***ers seeing me gettin' changed!

Bubbles:
Turn that thing off, he's pullin' his goalie!

Ricky:
You're on f***ing camera, what the f*** were you doing, J-roc?

J-Roc:
I was gettin' changed, Motherf***er!

Ricky:
Changed, my ass! you were f***ing cranking it!

Ricky:
Alright! I f***ed up, Dad, I'm sorry. I mean, we were having a barbeque and the potatoes got f***ed up, so we care here to make some french fries, and Lucy started... doing stuff to me and... the next thing you knew we were at the muffler shop, and stuff was happening there... and the cops came, and I got back here and the trailer was gulfing with flames, there's nothing I could do.

Ray:
'The trailer was gulfing with flames'?

Ricky:
Yeah! Like flames f***ing gulfing, gulfing, gulfing out the roof, out the f***ing door, it was gulfing, there was nothing I could do.

"Why don't you frig off , Randy, before I drag my nightcrawler across your face and leave a slimer on ya, you f***in' f***