Wedding Crashers

John Beckwith:
There he is, the big guy!

John Beckwith:
I don't even know what the f*** a quail is!

John Beckwith:
I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a f***ing race horse.

John Beckwith:
It's the first quarter of the big game and you wanna toss up a hail mary? I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula! Look, we've been to a million weddings and you know what? We've rocked them all.

John Beckwith:
You better lock it up.

Jeremy Grey:
Oh please! You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer!

Jeremy Grey:
I don't even wear a belt...beltless.

Jeremy Grey:
Rule number 76: no excuses. Play like a champion.

Jeremy Grey:
You go have fun. I'm gonna go ice my balls and spit up blood, Team Player!

Jeremy Grey:
I don't think you heard me correctly: I've got a stage-five virgin clinger!

Jeremy Grey:
I'm a little too traumatized to enjoy a scone right now.

Jeremy Grey:
I was first-team All-State. I can put the ball wherever I want to. I'll make it rain out here.

Jeremy Grey:
I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you. And you want to know what? I dig it.

Jeremy Grey:
It feels so good when he jokes.

Jeremy Grey:
Lock it up!

Jeremy Grey:
The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.

Jeremy Grey:
Yeah that, or it could have been the midnight rape, or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night.

Jeremy Grey:
Give me a break! That was my first Asian!

Jeremy Grey:
I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup! I love it on pancakes, I love it on pizza! I love to take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?

Jeremy Grey:
Proper girl in the hat just eye-f***ed the sh*t out of me.

Jeremy Grey:
I'm a cocksman!

Jeremy Grey:
You motor-boating son of a b*tch, you old sailor you!

Jeremy Grey:
I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid and his name was Shiloh. We used to play checkers with each other every day and bless his heart, Shiloh'd always let me win!

Jeremy Grey:
This is the real world, lady! You can't just go shooting people on a whim!

Jeremy Grey:
I felt like Jodie Foster in 'The Accused'

Jeremy Grey:
I hope you flip your bike over and knock out your two front teeth, you selfish son-of-a-b*tch!

Sack's Friends:
Crab cakes and football, that's what Maryland does!

Sack's Friends:
Are you ready to have the noise brought on you?

Sack's Friends:
That's what we call a sack lunch! Num-num-num-num-num!

Sack's Friends:
Damn, sluts!

Sack's Friends:
Daiquiris.

William Cleary:
Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.

William Cleary:
You know, she's not just another notch on your belt.

William Cleary:
Now Todd, it wouldn't kill ya to play some competitive sports, once in a while, would it?

William Cleary:
Todd, that's good! Tell that mean ocean!

William Cleary:
Nature versus nurture, Lodge. Nature always wins.

William Cleary:
[about Todd] Oh, he says he believes in art, but all I've seen him do is dribble his own blood on a canvas and smear it around with a stick!

William Cleary:
Sailor! Good Man.

Todd Cleary:
Death, you are my B*tch Lover!

Todd Cleary:
I made you painting a... I call it 'Celebration'(shows painting). It's sexual and violent. I thought you might like it.

Todd Cleary:
Would that make you love me?!

Todd Cleary:
I'll be in my room painting homo things.

Todd Cleary:
I'll pop out at the right moment!

Todd Cleary:
Let's play tummy sticks.

Todd Cleary:
We had a moment at the dinner table.

Todd Cleary:
Jeremy tried to seduce me!

Chaz Reinhold:
What the f*** do you want?

Chaz Reinhold:
God damn you! I almost nun-chucked you. You don't even realize!

Chaz Reinhold:
I'm just living the dream.

Chaz Reinhold:
Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?!

Chaz Reinhold:
Hey, Ma! The meatloaf! We want it now! The meatloaf!

Chaz Reinhold:
What is she doing? I never know what she is doing back there.

Chaz Reinhold:
Ma! The meatloaf! F***!

Chaz Reinhold:
Come on in for the real thing.

Chaz Reinhold:
It's like fishing with dynamite.

Chaz Reinhold:
Dude died in a hang gliding accident. What an idiot! Ha ha. "A-a-ah! I'm hang-gliding, honey! Take a good picture! I'm dead!" What a freak!

Chaz Reinhold:
Jay-Bone!

Chaz Reinhold:
(Upon finding out that Jeremy is getting married) What?! What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for me and you!

Chaz Reinhold:
You're coming with!

Other People:
Wife: You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!

Other People:
Husband: Yeah, that's right, go comatose for me, baby!

Other People:
Grandma: He was a doll! The wife, though, Eleanor, big dyke. Huge dyke. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule.

Other People:
Chazz's mom: Chazz, there's someone here to see you! And pick up your f***ing skateboard!

Other People:
Husband: Hey, I got an idea, why don't you just kiss my left nut!\\\

John:
No, don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.

Jeremy:
Yeah, well the proper girl in the hat just eye f***ed the sh*t out of me.

[the guests in front of them turn and look at Jeremy]

John:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.

Jeremy:
Look, John, I'm sorry I'm not sorry, okay? I'm not gonna apologize. I'm a cocksman!

[they turn around again]

John:
Tourette's.

Jeremy:
I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, John, I'm fried.

John:
Soft mattress?

Jeremy:
Yeah, that could've been it. Could've been the soft mattress, or it could've been the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.

John:
Try one of these scones, you're gonna love them.

Jeremy:
I'm a little too traumatized to have a scone. Let's move.

Jeremy:
I don't give a baker's f***! I just had my own sock duct taped into my mouth last night!

John:
Whoa, what?

Jeremy:
Yeah, the, the sock that I wore all day, playing football in, pouring sweat in, was shoved into my mouth and then was duct taped over it!

John:
Well, then let's talk about it. I'm a good listener.

Jeremy:
I'm not going to discuss this. I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.

Jeremy:
Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's kind of an interesting combination.

Sack:
I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grub worm population. You got a f***ing problem with that?

Jeremy:
Not nearly as much as I do with the, uh, attire you have on or just your general point of view toward everybody, but let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.

John:
Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?

Jeremy:
That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like gorilla or rhinoceros or f***ing human being! That'll get you jacked up.

John:
That's a little heavy.

Jeremy:
I mean like, like a human being right now, most dangerous game. Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.

Todd:
I want my painting back.

Jeremy:
Your painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.

Jeremy:
Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. What were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or for comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? [makes motorboat noises] You motor-boating son of a b*tch, you old sailor, you! Where is she? She still in the house?

John:
What is wrong with you?

Jeremy:
What do you mean, what's wrong with--? What's wrong with you?

John:
No, what's wrong with you?

Jeremy:
No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!

John:
Drop it.

Jeremy:
You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.

John:
Drop it!

Jeremy:
Team player!

Janice:
Why do you need this?

Jeremy:
I sleep over at John's house every year for his birthday.

Janice:
Okay, that's not creepy.

Jeremy:
I guess it is a little creepy, when a young man, who happens to be an only child, loses both of his parents in a tragic accident one month before his birthday and then has his best friend make a vow that he will never spend his birthday alone. Yea, maybe that would fall under the category of creepy.

Janice:
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

Jeremy:
That's okay.

Janice:
No, you're really sweet. I've got the perfect girl for you.

Jeremy:
Ahh, Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there you're wondering "Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really interested. Should I play like I'm interested? But I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested. But do I want to be interested, but now she's not interested, so now all of a sudden I'm getting--I'm started to get interested." And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door 'cause then it's awkward? It's like, well, "Goodnight. Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close or just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all?" It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while your just really want to know are we going to get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions. And perhaps play a little game called just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels, or "Ouch, ouch, you're on my hair."

Janice:
Okay.

Jeremy:
Okay, could you, could you put that so he--he can't see it. Thank you. Hey, Janice, great talk.

Jeremy:
Sorry, just--just a sampler. Told you this would be classy, right?

John:
Yes, you did. Class, first class all the way. I'm not blind.

Jeremy:
Class, class, class. They've got some kind of seasoning on here, it must be sprinkled.

John:
Okay, go get us seats near, but not too near the bridal party. I'm going to go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air.

Jeremy:
Oh, and if you see any crab cakes, get your hands on some because I love the crab cakes.

John:
Consider it done.

John:
Fondue set.

Claire:
Excuse me?

John:
The present you're holding is a sterling silver fondue set. John Ryan. (puts out hand to shake)

Claire:
Claire Cleary. Uh, so how do you know that?

John:
Well, I'm a psychic.

Claire:
You're psychic?

John:
I am.

Claire:
Really?

John:
Yes.

Claire:
What's that one.

John:
Knife set. German, very nice.

Claire:
Hmm. And that?

John:
Cotton linens, Egyptian.

Claire:
Ooh, what about that?

John:
Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings, candle sticks, crystal stemware, which they'll probably never use 'cause it's crystal stemware.

Claire:
Okay, how about that?

John:
This, uh, massage oils and a book on tantra probably from a wacky aunt.

Claire:
Let's check.

John:
Who's it from?

Claire:
Aunt Milly.

John:
Yes!

Claire:
Well, you--you have a gift.

John:
I know, unfortunately my powers only apply to useless consumer products.

Claire:
Well, you know if the police are missing a Belgium waffle maker, you could, um, give them a hand.

Jeremy:
So what's next?

Gloria:
I'm starving.

Jeremy:
Uchimora wedding, 3 PM.

John:
Hey, hey.

Jeremy:
I'm just throwing it out there. I'm just saying, just--

John:
(to Claire) They would have great tempura.

Jeremy:
We don't even have a back story. I'm just--

John:
Forget it, forget it.

Jeremy:
Just talking out loud.

Claire:
We're a folk singing group from Salt Lake City!

Gloria:
Yeah!

Jeremy:
Yes, we are.

Jeremy:
(confesses to a priest) She's good. I mean, I believed that she was a virgin and it hurts to be lied to like that. It's a horrible feeling to feel that way. But I, you know, was looking to take advantage of something, too, so could I really feel that bad? It's not like I was who I was. You know what I'm saying? So fair play. And let's be honest with each other here, okay? Let's put all the cards on the table. She's fit for a straight-jacket, this broad is f***ed three ways towards the weekend, and you want to know what? I dig it! It turns me on! Yeah, it turns me on! Because you want to know what the kicker is, Father? Maybe I'm a little f***ing crazy! That's right, maybe Jeremy is a little nuts! And there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise. I know it's not on the surface. Man, I had a little imaginary friend when I was a kid. His name was Shiloh. We used to play checkers with each other everyday and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win.

Priest:
Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Jeremy:
And that ain't normal! There's something odd in that, but maybe that's what it takes to make you feel connected to somebody. I don't know! But I know when that red-head starts getting kooky, there's something about me that feels alive inside. Diggin' talking with ya. You're a really enlightened cat and I like that about you. Think you're a special special man. Come in for the real thing. Get in here for the real thing. (kisses the priest) I love you, you're a sweet man.

Priest:
Dear God.

Jeremy:
Well don't worry about it. We'll burn 'em with a post.

John:
No, I got a better idea. Look, I want what you to fake the post and throw an interception to Claire, get her to feel good, you know? Get us a moment, you think you can do that?

Jeremy:
John, I was first-team All-State. I can put the ball wherever I want to. I'll make it rain out here. Alright guys, bring it in. Blue 17, blue 17! Red 7, red 7!

John (to Claire):
Oh, you're going to cover me?

Claire:
Like white on rice.

John:
Alright, I like my odds here.

John (to Claire):
Let me give you a little warning, I'm going downtown.

Jeremy:
(to everyone) Hot route! Red 7, red 7, red 7!

John (to Claire):
Look for me in the end zone. I'll be the guy holding the ball.

Jeremy:
(to John) John!

John:
What?

Jeremy:
Red 7!

John:
I don't know what Red 7 means!

Jeremy:
Hot route!

John:
I don't--what is hot route?

Jeremy:
Would you just go stand on the other side please?

Jeremy:
I wanted to tell you about Gloria. I tried to, I didn't know how. And I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I'll level with ya, I care about her a lot. I love her.

John:
What?! You're unbelievable. Judas! Rule number 5, you're an idiot.

Jeremy:
You're wrong about the rule book on this. There was never any rules about this. What's the rule about walking away? Never walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket, rule number hundred and fifteen. You're an a**hole.

Jeremy:
(with sleeping bag) Happy birthday. Can't let a little pissing and moaning break tradition.

John:
Alright, it's today.

Jeremy:
See you've been getting into a little light reading.

John:
It's not mine, I bought that for a friend.

Jeremy:
Yeah. So how ya been?

John:
Great, really spectacular.

Jeremy:
Well good. What have you been up to?

John:
Ya, you know, this and that. Crashing weddings.

Jeremy:
Alone?

John:
No, not alone.

Jeremy:
Well, who have you been crashing with then?

John:
Chazz.

Jeremy:
Chazz?

John:
Chazz.

Jeremy:
John, you don't even know Chazz. Don't st--

John:
Yes, I do. He's a great guy. We've been having a ball together.

Jeremy:
Alright look. I wanted to come by here and, and tell you I really feel bad about everything that's happened between us. Your friendship means a lot to me. I miss seeing ya.

John:
I know, I--look I'm, I'm happy for you. I'm glad you found someone.

Jeremy:
I can't tell you how glad it makes me to hear you say that man. Get on in here, let the big bear get his paws on ya (hugs him). You know I love you. It's good to see you.

John:
It's good to see you.

Jeremy:
Are you sure you've been okay, this does not look like a guy who's been okay.

John:
Ahh, I know. Looks like a pig sty.

Jeremy:
Like a mosh pit in here. Listen, I'm getting married.

John:
Get out.

Jeremy:
What? You just sat there and said you were happy for me that I'm--

John:
I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading "don't kill myself" books.

Jeremy:
You said that the book wasn't your's.

John:
Don't worry about the book. It isn't mine, but I glanced at it.

Jeremy:
John, you've been my friend for 16 years. I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.

John:
Kindly leave!

Jeremy:
I'm trying--

John:
Kindly leave.

Jeremy:
Mean a lot to me if you came.

John:
Oh, I bet it would! Hillbilly!

Jeremy:
What?!

John:
White trash!

Jeremy:
What are you talking about?

John:
Out. Out.

Jeremy:
You better get your ass to that wedding.

Jeremy:
We are going to have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that are so aroused by the thought of marriage that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.

John:
And who's going to be there to catch them?

Jeremy:
Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly pal! What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding season? (raises hand)

John:
Mister Grey.

Jeremy:
Yes, um, the answer would be, um, wedding season?

John:
Bingo. I'm gonna go get my suit. Oh, and now who are we this time?

Sack:
Trapster, it's Sack.

Trapster:
Sackmaster! How was the wedding?

Sack:
Oh, it was boring, you know, but the bachelor party, of course, rocked. We got Heidi a couple of those f***ing sluts from the environmental group, remember them?

Trapster:
No way! Did you tap that again?

Sack:
Once at my place, then once back in the cab.

Trapster:
Damn! Sluts! Oh, how's Claire? Still trying to figure out what she's doing with her life?

Sack:
Claire? She's, you know, whatever, I don't know. She's saving the world one maladjusted kid at a time. But that'll all change when we're married, 'cause I want a wife. I don't want a f***ing martyr, right?

Trapster:
I hear that, my friend.

Sack:
Hey, man, listen, l-l-l-I got--do you remember that private detective we used to set up that Shearson Lehman prick?

Trapster:
The big sleazy, Tommy Gufano. He's a wop genius.

Sack:
Yes. I need you to get some dirt on these two guys John and Jeremy Ryan. They're brothers from New Hampshire. They got some sort of N.P.O. Called "Holy Shirts & Pants."

Trapster:
I will check into them.

Sack:
Excellent, bro.

Trapster:
You da man!

Sack:
Take it easy.

Todd:
Mom make you feel her tits?

John:
Did you say something Todd?

Todd:
Mom make you feel her tits?

John:
Todd, where are you going with this?

Todd:
Just don't, don't say anything to my dad though. Some friend of my sisters. She said something to my dad a couple of years ago. He now lives in a shack in Guam. Not by choice.

Jeremy:
Who else wants something?

Boy:
I want a bicycle.

Jeremy:
A bicycle? Well, a bicycle, that would take a lot of balloons and honestly Uncle Jeremy's a little tired right now so why don't we do something like, uh, let's say a giraffe?

Boy:
I just want a bicycle!

Jeremy:
Wh-why are you yelling at me?

Boy:
Whatever, make me a bicycle, clown!

Jeremy:
I'm gonna make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.

Boy:
Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it!

Woman:
Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing all your possessions and moving to Nepal. Shlomo, don't you remember me?

John:
Oh my God, you didn't hear. I'm so sorry. Shlomo had a scuba diving accident. Yeah, he came up too fast, and the oxygen deprivation...poor guy, he doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother. I'm just some nice guy who helps him out.

Woman:
You poor thing!

John:
He actually can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident. So you're here for the Cleary's wedding?

Woman:
Oh, yes, yes, but I-I have to leave. I-I've got a flight to Madrid, but--

John:
Oh, you have to leave?

Woman:
Yes.

John:
Oh, okay.

Woman:
I could hang out for a few minutes.

[Jeremy begins to do hand gestures]

John:
Oh, actually, that won't be necessary. Shlomo would now like me to take him to the bathroom, and then get him some crab cakes. So, yeah, no, that's o--[Jeremy does it even more] Okay, okay! Okay, I'm gonna take you to get crab cakes first, then I'll take you to the bathroom.

Woman:
You know what? Here is my number. If there is anything I can do to help--

John:
Have a safe flight. Don't worry about us. We're gonna be fine. We're gonna make it.

[she leaves]

Jeremy:
Doctor. She looked good. I'm gonna give it a shot.

John:
How are you gonna call her? She thinks you're deaf.

Jeremy:
Everyone wants to be a part of a miracle. I turned a corner. She's a part of it. People helping people. It's powerful stuff.

John:
God, you're a sick man. You also may be a genius.

Jeremy:
The great 19th century philosopher Schopenhauer, he said, at that moment when a human sees another human in danger, that there's this breaking in of metaphysical awareness. Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?

Gloria:
What?

Jeremy:
That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone--with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from "What's Happening!", The Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote "Catcher in the Rye," Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother--we're all one.

Gloria:
We are?

[sees Jeremy carrying the grandmother back to her room]

Randolph:
You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?

Jeremy:
Jam? L--

Randolph:
Listen, man, the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you, if you like. His name is Snooky.

Jeremy:
You could not be more wrong about what's happen--

Randolph:
Just be gentle with her, okay? She be pushing 90! Jesus Christ.

[John has come to Jeremy's house to confront him for not backing him up against Sack. He quickly catches Gloria and Jeremy having sex.]

John:
Terrific!

Jeremy:
Johnny wait.

Gloria:
[getting herself ready] Oh my God, what time is it?!

[Jeremy chases after John. John then demands an answer from him for sneaking off to see Gloria behind his and Senator Clary's back]

Jeremy:
I wanted to tell you about Gloria. I didn't know how and I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I'll level with you, I care about her so much. I love her.

John:
What?! I can't believe you. Judas! No. 15, you're an idiot.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #1 - Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #2 - Never use your real name.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #3 - Never confess.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #4 - No one goes home alone.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #5 - Never let a girl get between you and a fellow Crasher.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #6 - Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #7 - Blend in by standing out.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #8 - Be the life of the party.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #9 - Whatever it takes to get in, get in.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #10 - Invitations are for pussies.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #11 - Sensitive is good.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #12 - When it stops being fun, break something.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #13 - Bridesmaids are desperate - console them.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #14 - You're a distant relative of a dead cousin.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #15 - Fight the urge to tell the truth.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #16 - Always have an up-to-date family tree.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #17 - Every female wedding guest deserves a wedding night.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #18 - You love animals and children.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #19 - Toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practiced the toast. Do not wing it.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #20 - Always have an early "appointment" the next morning.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #21 - Definitely make sure she's 18.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #22 - You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. No overtime.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #23 - There's nothing wrong with having seconds. Provided there's enough women to go around.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #24 - If you get outted, leave calmly. Do not run.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #25 - You understand she heard that but that's not what you meant.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #26 - Of course you love her.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #27 - Don't over drink. The machinery must work in order to close.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #28 - Make sure there's an open bar.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #29 - Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #30 - Know the playbook so you can call an audible.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #31 - If you call an audible, always make sure your fellow Crashers know.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #32 - Don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely sure that they have a pulse.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #33 - Never go back to your place.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #34 - Be gone by sunrise.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #35 - Breakfast is for closers.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #36 - Your favorite movie is "The English Patient".

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #37 - At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #38 - Never hit on the bride! It's a one-way ticket to the pavement.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #39 - The way to a woman's bed is through the dance floor.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #40 - Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you're "sweet."

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #41 - If there is a cash bar, bring your fake war medals. You'll never have to buy a drink.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #42 - Try not to break anything, unless you're not having fun.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #43 - At the service, sit in the fifth row. It's close enough to wedding party to seem like you're an invited guest. Never sit in the back. The back row just smells like crashing.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #44 - Create an air of mystery that involves some painful experience when interacting with the girl you're after. But don't talk about it.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #45 - Always remember your fake name!

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #46 - The Rules of Wedding Crashing are sacred. Don't sully them by "improvising."

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #47 - You forgot your invitation in your rush to get to the church.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #48 - Make sure all the single women at the wedding know you're there because you've just suffered either a terrible breakup or the death of your fiancee.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #49 - Always work into the conversation: "Yeah, I have tons of money. But how does one buy happiness?"

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #50 - Be pensive! It draws out the "healer" in women.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #51 - Always pull out in time.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #52 - Tell any woman you're interested in that you'd love to stay put but you promised to help out at the homeless shelter today.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #53 - Get choked up during the service. The girls will think you're "sensitive." Bring a slice of onion or artificial tears if necessary.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #54 - Avoid virgins. They're too clingy.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #55 - If pressed, tell people you're related to Uncle John. Everyone has an Uncle John.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #56 - Don't fixate on one woman. ALWAYS have a back-up.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #57 - When seeing a rival Crasher, do not interact - merely acknowledge each other with a tug on the earlobe and gracefully move on.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #58 - The Ferrari's in the shop.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #59 - If two rival crashers pick the same girl, the crasher with the least seniority will respectfully yield.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #60 - No "chicken dancing" - no exceptions.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #61 - When crashing out of state, request permission from the local Wedding Crasher chapter.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #62 - No more than two weddings a weekend. More and your game gets sloppy.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #63 - Bring an extra umbrella when it rains. Courtesy opens more legs than charm.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #64 - Always save room for cake.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #65 - When your crash partner fails, you fail. No man is an island.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #66 - Smile! You're having the time of your life.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #67 - Mix it up a little. You can't always be the man with the haunted past.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #68 - Dance with the Bride's grandmother.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #69 - No sex on the altar. Confessionals, okay. Choir lofts, better.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #70 - Two shutouts in a row? It's time to take a week off. Ask yourself: what is it that is getting in the way of my happiness?

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #71 - Research, research, research the wedding party. And when you are done researching, research some more.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #72 - Studies have shown that women have a more developed sense of smell. Breath mints - small cost, big yield.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #73 - Keep interactions with the parents of the bride to a minimum.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #74 - In case of emergency, refer to the rulebook.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #75 - Girls in hats tend to be proper and rarely give it up.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #76 - No excuses. Play like a champion.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #77 - Carry extra protection.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #78 - The unmarried female rabbi - is she fair game? Of course she is.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #79 - The tables furthest from the kitchen always get served first.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #80 - Stop, look, listen. At weddings. In life.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #81 - Occasionally bring a gift - you're getting sex without having to buy dinner, so you can afford a blender.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #82 - Always think ahead but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox and you'll not only get the girl, you might also get peace of mind.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #83 - Don't let the ring bearer bum your smokes. His parents may start to ask questions.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #84 - Stay clear of the wedding planner. They may recognize you and start to wonder.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #85 - Don't use the "I have two months to live" bit - not cool, not effective.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #86 - Shoes say a lot about the man.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #87 - Always choose large weddings. More choice. Easier to blend.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #88 - You're from out of town. ALWAYS.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #89 - Know something about the place you say you are from. Texas is played out. For some reason, New Hampshire seems to work.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #90 - Of course you dream of one day having children.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #91 - Never dance to "What I Like About You." It's long past time to let that song go. Someone will request it at every wedding. Don't dance to it. No matter how...

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #92 - Tell the bride's friends and family that you are family of the groom and visa-versa.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #93 - Only take one car. You never know when you'll need to make a fast escape.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #94 - Deep down, most people hate themselves. This knowledge is the key to most bedroom doors.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #95 - Try not to show off on the dance floor. This means you Jeremy.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #96 - Etiquette isn't old-fashioned. It's sexy.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #97 - Catholic weddings - the classic dilemma: painfully long ceremony - horny girls.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #98 - The newspaper Wedding Announcements are your racing form. Choose carefully.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #99 - Be judicious with cologne. Citrus tones are best.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #100 - Save the tuxes for "the big show" only.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #101 - Avoid women who were psychology majors in college.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #102 - No periwinkle colored ties, please.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #103 - The older the better, the younger the better (see Rule #21)

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #104 - Be well groomed and well-mannered.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #105 - Never cockblock a fellow Crasher. Cockblocking an invited guest - okay.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #106 - Eat plentiful, digest your food. You'll need the energy later.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #107 - Know when to abandon ship if it ain't floating.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #108 - Know your swing and salsa dancing. Girls love to get twisted around.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #109 - Always carry an assortment of place cards to match any wedding design.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #110 - Make sure your magic trick and balloon animal skills are not rusty. If the kids love it, the girls will too.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #111 - Never, ever reveal your true identity.

The Wedding Crashers Rules:
Rule #115 - Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket

On July 15th, they're coming to your wedding...with or without invitations.

They're just a couple of guys who need a good wife.

Hide Your actual IQ rating.

Life's a Blessing, Remember to Pray.

You motor boating son of a b*tch