Zan sayonara zetsubô sensei

[closing theme 1]

Kiri Komori, Matoi Tsunetsuki, Ai Kaga, Kaere Kimura:
[singing] Shall we make you happy? Find your way to our door / Welcome to our grand re-opening! / Our clothing clings precariously to our shoulders / For now, forget everyday life / Wipe off the night dew, and come in / A still-beating heart? Blue and done rare? / It fits well with what you really mean / Poison, and lies form our usual spices / Stick a fork in your unsatisfied sadness / It's fine if you leave what you don't like, just like a child / It'll cheer you up, make you feel better bite by bite / I wave and smile, saying "See you next week!" / One night, cash only!

[closing theme 2]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Last night, waiting for the midnight express / Crab-walking on the cliff-like platform / A life that can fit into a single suitcase / You, my dear, are the treasure I chose / Softly kiss your closed eyelids / until the mantle of Hades will envelop us / I will not let you go before me / Let's go on a voyage! Okay, give me your hand! / If I'm a slave to my fate, today's the day I make a fabulous betrayal for you / If death is eternal... / I don't care if your embrace slows me down, let's go! / I love you, mon amour...

[Chiri spots Mr Itoshiki standing in front of a police station]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
I did it.

Chiri Kitsu:
Sensei, what did you do?

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Nothing.

Chiri Kitsu:
But you just confessed...!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
No, that's confession training.

Chiri Kitsu:
Why do you have to train for that sort of thing?

Nozomu Itoshiki:
It can be difficult to admit one's own mistakes. Would you be able to confess, when the time comes? There are many circumstances where you apologize for a crime, and then it's over with no big deal! Modern Japanese, unable to admit their faults properly, need such training!

Chiri Kitsu:
If you're doing confession training, you've got to assume you've done a crime to confess. It's image training!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
An image of my crimes? Let's see... chewing on a dog's ear... writing down things people say in their sleep... [sticks his finger in his nose]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
I did it!

Chiri Kitsu:
You can't think of anything serious, can you?... You call that confession training? I want greater crimes, ones you regret from the bottom of your heart!

Chiri Kitsu:
[hysterical tears] I DID IT!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
That's the first time I've seen such a sublime confession!... What kind of crime is she confessing to?

Kaere Kimura:
Isn't it na?ve to lessen crimes just because they've been confessed? If anything they can be more annoying! [an ugly couple appears, and confesses they're in a relationship]

Kaere Kimura:
[nearly pukes] How annoying!

Chiri Kitsu:
That's not a crime, though it would be considered a capital one...

Nami Hito:
It doesn't have to be a crime, coming out with a secret can be thought of as a confession!

[an arrow with a letter attached to it appears]

Matoi Tsunetsuki:
[reads the letter] It says confession training should be forbidden, as it puts the world of manga comics at risk of destruction!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
What, why? [at a murder investigation, the criminal confesses immediately]

Matoi Tsunetsuki:
So, the story doesn't hold together...

Kafuka Fuura:
If confession training spreads, our precious Detective Conan can solve things without difficulty, right? We must continue training to relieve the load for them!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
I may have agreed to it, but confession training will make all films and comics fall apart!

Kafuka Fuura:
Let us start the first confession training exercises!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
It's already begun to spread among the general public!

Harumi Fujiyoshi:
The world of comics has taken catastrophic damage from confession training!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
It's not just comics, it's turned out catastrophic for all of Japanese society! Nine-tenths of politicians have confessed in corruption investigations, causing the Diet to stop completely! Eight-tenths of manufacturers have confessed their products are defective, and have recalled them! A film producer confessed that his projects were dull, and has stopped releasing them! Everyone is confessing too much! Japan is grinding to a halt!

[Kaere is being pressured to make confessions]

Kaere Kimura:
I will never confess!

[runs off]

Kaere Kimura:
I won't return until the confession statute is lifted!

[cut to fifty years later]

Kaere Kimura:
[at a gravestone] It has been some time, Sensei. Now that the statute is lifted, I can confess it: Sensei. I lo...

Kaere's Granddaughter:
Grandma Kaere, whose grave is this?

Kaere Kimura:
...No one in particular.

[they both walk off]

Maria Taro Sekiutsu:
What a touching story!

Nami Hito:
Where did this drama come from?

Nozomu Itoshiki:
The Japanese, who are deeply suspicious, tend to be more surprised when in fact nothing occurs. As a result of things that don't happen, they are reverse surprised! To illustrate, you get a phone call on your birthday from a friend, inviting you to go for a drink - you show up expecting a celebration, but you just have a normal drink and go home without anything happening.

Nami Hito:
That's miserable.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
In this modern era where everything goes too far, our destination is the point of no surprise! When an old lady gets a phone call, she's more surprised when it's her grandson instead of a scam! At concerts, it's more surprising when there's no encore! When the Chuo Express runs with no incidents, it's more surprising! It's more surprising when things don't happen!

Kafuka Fuura:
It's the feeling you get watching a horror film: you think "it's coming, it's coming", but you're more surprised when nothing happens, right?

[Mr. Itoshiki goes to see a male friend]

Matoi Tsunetsuki:
[shocked] Sensei is doing something serious! [when he comes out later, all the girls are waiting for him]

Harumi Fujiyoshi:
Sensei, what happened?

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Nothing.

Matoi Tsunetsuki, Harumi Fujiyoshi, Nami Hito:
Nothing happened? That's more surprising than if something did happen!

Maria Taro Sekiutsu:
The Japanese don't understand... how surprising the peace in this country is.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
You are right. [the two stand together peacefully, without incident]

Chiri Kitsu:
What kind of ending is this?

[Luke Skywalker meets Darth Vader for the first time]

Darth Vader:
[straight off] Luke, I am your father!

Chiri Kitsu:
Why did you get colored glasses for Sensei?

Kafuka Fuura:
I thought they'd look cute on him.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Mysterious, if anything... [looks around]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Schoolgirls all sell their panties! The schoolgirls in Shibuya all whore themselves! Girls with big b*obs are dumb! Girls with dark nipples are kinky! Computer janitors are messing with you! Bureaucrats are all lazy!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
[wearing contacts] Last week I forgot to put scriptures on my glasses, so the ghosts took them away.

Matoi Tsunetsuki:
Sensei is wearing colored glasses! When people go by their prejudices and preconceived notions, we call that wearing colored glasses!

Abiru Kobushi:
You're blaming the glasses, but isn't he just saying what he wants to say?

Matoi Tsunetsuki:
It's not Sensei's fault, the colored glasses are making him say it!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
[his colored glasses removed]... I SAID WHAT?

[Chiri puts colored glasses on Kaere]

Kaere Kimura:
All Nippons live in goddamn rabbit hutches!

Nami Hito:
She always says stuff like that though...

[Chiri puts colored glasses from the 1930s on Mr. Itoshiki]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Back in the kitchen, woman!

Nami Hito:
Nowadays only politicians say things like that...

[Chiri puts colored glasses from the 1990s on Nami]

Chiri Kitsu:
They make her eyebrows look thick...

Nami Hito:
If he's not rich, tall, or Ivy League, I don't want him!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
We must all remove our colored glasses of prejudice... [later on, he is accosted by a flamboyant homosexual]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Wait... even for this? It's something new... [goes home with the man and spends the night in his bed]

Maria Taro Sekiutsu:
No matter how I look at it, you're into that sort of thing!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
You're just looking at it through colored glasses!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Lately, people have been doing things, often bad ideas, to get attention. Idols deliberately flash their panties, politicians make comments that will attract criticism, Maria Sharapova putting on fake nipples! I can't see it as anything but deliberate provocation!

Matoi Tsunetsuki:
Falling for someone trolling, even when you know it's deliberate, is it not a sign of kindness? Look at the MPs who represent Japan: they're kind enough to be trolled over and over, normal people can't do that.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
I guess that's true...

[Harumi tries on colored glasses, and looks in a mirror]

Harumi Fujiyoshi:
Creepy nerd. WHAT DID I JUST CALL MYSELF? Is that how society looks at me? [cries]

[Usui tries on colored glasses, and looks in a mirror]

Kagero Usui:
You horny bald bastard. WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT MYSELF?

[all the schoolgirls are cheerleaders at a sports fair]

Kagero Usui:
If you lift your legs, people will see your panties!

Nami Hito:
Eww, they're all watching. Well, they're the kind that are supposed to be seen! You're just looking for an excuse to be angry! [spots Mr Itoshiki]

Nami Hito:
Sensei... [raises her leg]

Celebrity:
I'm super sexy today, I must be giving off hormones!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
The things a ditzy celebrity says... that's intentional trolling. [a Japanese citizen named his newborn son Johnny Depp]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
The celebrity names people give their children... with him, it's got to be natural trolling. Better not bring it up, though. You can call him out on it, but you may get smacked...

Nozomu Itoshiki:
I'm in despair! The amount of deliberate trolling has left me in despair!

Rin Itoshiki:
An idiot trolls, and an idiot bites. If they are both idiots, it can't be a troll.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
What do you mean, Rin?

Rin Itoshiki:
The one who's trolling is the one who benefits, right? On the other hand, the one being trolled has no chance, they're sure to get caught. For instance: getting sweet-talked into a sting operation, buying into a market at rock bottom which hits a second or third bottom, Kensei Middle School pitching to the batter the way they want to get info on them, and allowing yourself to be attacked as an excuse to enter a war!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
How fearsome!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
It may be hard to accept, but everybody trolls a little.

Chiri Kitsu:
Come on everyone, you're not lifting your legs high enough! Do it like we practiced!

Nami Hito:
I can't lift it any higher!

Chiri Kitsu:
Do it! If your body's too stiff, then use the sand spell! Don't you know? It's how they make their bodies flexible right after they die! You wash sand from deep in the mountain valleys with pure spring water, over the span of a week dry it 100 times, and chant an incantation waving a foot-long pomegranate wand over the sacred artifact!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Um... what?

[Chiri jumps in the air babbling and chanting]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
That's too high!

Nami Hito:
There are trolls so insane no one can bite...

Kei Itoshiki:
[jumps and grabs Chiri's leg] You thought no one could grab your leg! You were wrong! You were wrong! You were wrong! You were wrong!

Nami Hito:
As if from another dimension...

Abiru Kobushi:
If a stranger showed up and grabbed a girl's leg, wouldn't he be arrested?

Meru Otonashi:
[on trolling] If you fall for that sort of sh*t, you lose the game!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Definitely! The best people should do is attempt to find out who is intentionally trolling, and naturally trolling!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Everyone, rather than being caught by trolls, you should start trolling yourself!

Abiru Kobushi:
I always have.

Nami Hito:
I thought that was natural.

Manami Ohkusa:
[dressed up as Chachamaru] But it's even worse when you finally do it, and then get ignored.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
I'm sure one of our kind fans will bite...

[Chiri knocked out everyone in class and buried their bodies under the school floor]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Well, it's nice and warm down here.

Maria Taro Sekiutsu:
Is this what they mean by in-floor heating?

Nami Hito:
I'm depressed. I want to die, I want to die!

Abiru Kobushi:
Saying you want to die when you're young is like measles. If you grow up doing it like Sensei, you'll be the guy who makes everyone around you laugh.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Makes everyone around you laugh?

Majiru Itoshiki:
NO WAY! I don't want to end up like him!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
You think you're that far off, Majiru?

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Who are you?

Kafuka Fuura:
[disguise] I'm a freshman from the next school.

[hands Mr. Itoshiki a love letter and runs off... enraging the schoolgirls]

Chiri Kitsu:
[glare] You've gotten popular, Sensei.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
W-what are you saying? Isn't female students falling for their teachers a kind of measles?

[all the girls think this over, and charge at Mr. Itoshiki]

Schoolgirls:
Measles! Measles!

Kafuka Fuura:
Class is cancelled, due to measles!

[Mr. Itoshiki is in a ward... surrounded by schoolgirls]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
I don't think this solves the root of the problem...

Maria Taro Sekiutsu:
It works the other way around! If someone who's going to be a teacher isn't immunized against female students, he'll go for them all when he does becomes one!

Majiru Itoshiki:
[lying in a bed with measles] I caught the real thing... [nobody pays attention to him]

[Kafuka is in a store basement, filled with switches]

Kafuka Fuura:
Which is the switch for the Christmas tree?

[tries a random switch... ]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Don't flip it!

Nami Hito:
This kitty's got its tail up. I wonder if it's angry?

Abiru Kobushi:
[excited] Wrong... it's happy! Kittieswiththeirtailsuparehappyeventhoughsomanypeoplethinkthey'reangryut'sjustshowingyoutheywanttobepetted...

Nami Hito:
[stunned] It was like a switch flipped inside her...

Nozomu Itoshiki:
I told you not to flip it! You don't know if it will flip a switch in someone somewhere!

Nami Hito:
It's been happening a lot nowadays, when people are confused between two things they take a third option instead...

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Why do people, who have a choice of one or the other, decide to take a third option instead? Indecisive over which one to take, they make a dicey third choice instead! Unable to choose between two cars, they get a second-hand car in the end! Unable to choose between crowded Shinjuku and spacious Hoya, they go halfway and get a flat in Nishiogi! Between buying a gag present and a present that will truly be appreciated, they buy neither, but instead get a dicey birthday present!

Matoi Tsunetsuki:
Having lost our way, in the end, we've come to Daisan Sentaku City!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
The City of Third Options?

Kaere Kimura:
This is a question of responsibility! You failed as our teacher, leading us into another prefecture! The school is to blame!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Can't we discuss this when we get out?

Kaere Kimura:
Will you accept responsibility or not? Yes, or No? Spit it out! YES, or NO?

Nozomu Itoshiki:
...Nes.

Kaere Kimura:
What the hell is Nes?

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Neither Yes nor No, a third option! In Japanese, rather than saying "hai" or "iie", we instead say "haiie"! This is in no way an attempt to muddy the waters!

Kaere Kimura:
It damn well muddies them!

Kafuka Fuura:
A little bit of third options isn't a bad thing, selecting neither is a sign of kindness!

Chiri Kitsu:
I don't make third choices, I keep things precisely between two choices!

Kafuka Fuura:
Chiri, your name was a third choice!

Chiri Kitsu:
My name?

Kafuka Fuura:
Unable to choose between Mirakuru and Tome, your parents went for Chiri in the end!

Chiri Kitsu:
What do you mean, Mirakuru?

Kafuka Fuura:
I want to ask your parents why they picked Chiri...

Chiri Kitsu:
That's enough!

Kafuka Fuura:
But Chiri, if you don't mind, I'd like to call you Mirakuru.

Chiri Kitsu:
It's fine if you don't!

Kafuka Fuura:
This is the City of Third Options, where third choices abound! Unable to choose between Au and Docomo, in the end they sent signals into space with trees! Unable to choose between French and Italian, they decided to speak Molmol in the end!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
These third options are becoming insane!

Kafuka Fuura:
They're third options after all, they have no reason. They're not just choices for other people, anyone can make them! Unable to choose between briefs and boxer shorts, in the end you bury the lower half of your body! Unable to choose between a dog and a cat, in the end you decide to be a bird and try to fly! Unable to choose between bread and rice, in the end you settle for a Claymation of Marukawa Tamayo! These choices define life!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
If I have to shame myself living an unclear life like that, I'd rather die!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
I'm caught between living and hiding my shame, or dying with dignity like a man! Between life or death, I choose... [cut to a maternity ward]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
You can help me do my life all over again, right?

Dr. Mitoko Itoshiki:
Stuff him into the Youkai Post or someplace!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
All together now...

Nozomu Itoshiki, Ikkyu, Nami Hito, Manami Ohkusa:
We're in despair! Taking a third option instead of a choice between two things has left us in despair!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
We've said it, now let's go home!

Jun Kudo:
It's hard to tell what things will flip people's switches. For some people it's Yukio Mishima, for some others it's their tax bill, and others it's a chance to proselytize. Mature people change completely when their switch is flipped. It's scary.

Nami Hito:
If you talked to Ishida Junichi about socks, wouldn't that flip his switch? [Kafuka flips a switch]

Jun Kudo:
Junichi's Christmas! Junichi had no stockings, so he didn't get any presents. He wrote a letter to Santa wishing for stockings, but he had no stockings to put them in and so received nothing. Today, as an adult, Junichi wears no socks. He says, "I don't need them. I'm your Santa, after all."

Nami Hito:
I flipped a switch in him!

[Nami greets Meru with a pat on the back]

Nami Hito:
Pushing Meru makes a funny noise... how cute! [pats Meru again and again]

Meru's Father:
YOU HIT MERU-MERU! [cut to the basement]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
You flipped another one?

Kafuka Fuura:
It's a funny switch. [looks at a switch with Meru's face on it]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
She herself seems to be someone's switch. You better not push it.

Kafuka Fuura:
But it makes a funny noise... [cut to a staggering Nami]

Nami Hito:
That was horrible... he said he wouldn't hit a girl, so he painted me green instead...

Majiru Itoshiki:
[to Nami] Green suits you.

Nami Hito:
Don't say "green suits you"! Majiru, doesn't green suit YOU?

[Kafuka flips a green switch]

Kiri Komori:
[excited] It does... it sure does! Green shorts...

Majiru Itoshiki:
This is weird... [tries to back away]

Kiri Komori:
[grabs him] Will you put on these green shorts for me? Wear them!

Nami Hito:
Argh, I flipped another switch!

Nami Hito:
Merry Christmas.

Harumi Fujiyoshi:
Merry X-Mas... Merry X Mas! Merry the Baseball Pitcher, Mas the Baseball Catcher! Happy X Mas, Last X Mas! Mas takes them all! [cut to the basement]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
You flipped another switch?

Kafuka Fuura:
But it's just a calculator.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
There must be a switch in the X sign... Aah, I don't get what flips switches in people anymore!

Kafuka Fuura:
In a doggy's nose, there's a switch that controls the Bank of Japan's foreign exchange! In the nipples of 1960s sumo wrestlers, there was a switch to shoot off the Olympic fireworks! It is rumored that the Governor of Tokyo's second button is a transformation switch for the Tokyo Government! Aragi's office intercom is the switch to make Mt Fuji erupt, so it shouldn't be used excessively... everyone, somewhere, has a switch!

Maria Taro Sekiutsu:
Maria knows where Sensei's switch is... behind his ear! [pokes Mr Itoshiki's ear]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
[gasps] Aahh... That's just a sensitive spot!

Kafuka Fuura:
[runs out] If you flip a switch behind Sensei's ears, he goes weak in the knees and speaks in a coquettish voice!

Chiri Kitsu:
Coquettish voice? Push? [runs at Mr Itoshiki and pushes his ear]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
For today's class, I'd like everyone to apply Schrodinger's Paradox to themselves!

Nami Hito:
Schro... it sounds complicated...

Abiru Kobushi:
Nami, have you put on weight?

Nami Hito:
[outraged] Of course not!

Chiri Kitsu:
That was fast...

Nozomu Itoshiki:
For Miss Hito, I present Schrodinger's Scale!

[shows a scale with a box covering the measure]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
As long as you don't remove the box, the possibilities of you gaining and not gaining weight exist simultaneously!

Abiru Kobushi:
You're so lucky, Nami, you have such wonderful possibilities.

Nami Hito:
Are you messing with me?

Kafuka Fuura:
Sensei, why don't you choose one of Schrodinger's Wives?

[the schoolgirls are all covered up with boxes]

Kafuka Fuura:
Pick whoever you like. They're all boxed-in girls, of course.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
You don't have to make jokes!

Kafuka Fuura:
As long as you don't open them up, there's the possibility that you have a loyal wife!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
I think I'd know who's inside each box without having to open them...

[a precisely-cut box grabs Mr Itoshiki]

Kafuka Fuura:
That box is telling you to choose it!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
[recoils, knowing who's inside] But I don't want this one!

Chiri Kitsu:
What? Then how about I stuff YOU inside a box?

Kei Itoshiki:
This is Schrodinger's Wife! [presents a woman wrapped in a cardboard box]

Kei Itoshiki:
As long as the box isn't opened, I can have multiple possibilities for my wife!

Nami Hito:
I wonder what she looks like inside!

Chiri Kitsu:
I want to know, too... Whoops, this chisel slipped out of my hand! [hurls it at the box and cracks it open, to reveal a hairy hand]

Chiri Kitsu:
She's hairy?

Kei Itoshiki:
Unthinkable! My wife's ideal possibilities have reduced a little!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
You call that a little?

Chiri Kitsu:
Whoops, these knives slipped out of my hand again! [hurls the knives at the box again, to reveal... ]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Beautiful legs?

Kei Itoshiki:
NOOO! My wife's ideal image is becoming warped!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Brother, what kind of image were you hoping for? [a few more cracks, and a pair of giant wings appear from the box]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
I don't think humanity is ready to see your wife! [runs away]

Nami Hito:
I thought I'd go to Hokkaido on a journey to find myself for the summer vacation.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
A journey to find yourself on summer vacation?

Nami Hito:
Yeah!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
...How normal.

Nami Hito:
Don't say normal!

[Mr. Itoshiki sees his sister is leading the tour to Hokkaido]

Rin Itoshiki:
Itoshiki Transit cancels the tour if it doesn't get enough participants.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
In general, rather than self-discovery it's more fun to discover the faults in others.

Rin Itoshiki:
So you'll be able to see others self-display themselves.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Rin, don't misjudge your brother! Do you really think I want to see others expose their shamelessness? [cut to Mr. Itoshiki riding the bus]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
[sees Rin looking at him] What?

Rin Itoshiki:
[smiles] Nothing.

Nami Hito:
[looks at a computer] Chiri put photos of me on the Internet!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Figures... [looks at the computer]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Eh? ME TOO?

Maria Taro Sekiutsu:
What sort of deer does a reindeer rein?