The Golden Girls, Season 2

Blanche:
I never had PMS.

Rose:
Neither did I, but I had a BMW.

Blanche:
No one in my family has ever seen a psychiatrist... except of course, when they were institutionalized!

[After an emotional Blanche runs into her bedroom, Dorothy and Rose run after her]

Rose:
She's in there!

Dorothy:
Really, Columbo?

Sophia:
Did you see him? Total fruitcake! We're talking serial murderer!

Rose:
Well, if somebody tries to murder cereal, he should see a psychiatrist.

Dorothy:
Don't talk for the rest of the afternoon.

Rose:
Do the minks have to be killed for fur?

Sophia:
No, Rose. Many women like wearing coats that urinate.

Dorothy:
[on menopause] What is the big deal, Blanche? It's nothing. Look at it this way: you don't get cramps once a month. You don't go on eating binges once a month. You don't get crazy once a month.

Sophia:
You just grow a beard.

Dorothy:
Don't listen to her, Blanche.

Sophia:
You grow a beard, Dorothy! Believe me, I woke up one morning, I looked like Arafat!

Blanche:
Oh, my GOD!

Rose:
I never grew a beard!

Sophia:
You never grew brains, either!

Sophia:
[upon learning that she's not invited to see Burt Reynolds with the others] Fine. Break an old lady's heart. If you need me, I'll be out back with the rest of the garbage!

Blanche:
My God. You're Mr. Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds:
I sure hope so. If not, I've got the wrong underwear on.

Rose:
I was booked, fingerprints, mug shots, I'm a known criminal! I'll never be able to go back to my hometown again!

Blanche:
Oh honey, nobody back home's ever gonna find out about this.

Rose:
Oh yes they will! The St. Olaf Courier-Dispatch is known for its investigative reporting!

Dorothy:
You're right. That series they did on oat fungus was an uncompromising piece of journalism.

Sophia:
I get to go with you? I don't have to stay here and get gassed with the termites? Oh Dorothy, you're such a good daughter.

Dorothy:
She'll get over it. And even if she doesn't, who cares? We're going to meet Burt Reynolds!

Rose:
Sophia, did you come to bail us out?

Dorothy:
No Rose, she's dropping off a manicotti with a file in it.

Burt Reynolds:
[to Sophia] Which one's the slut?

Dorothy, Rose, Blanche:
I AM!!!

Dorothy:
"Other girls who will take their money." Do you know who he thinks we are?

Rose:
Waitresses?

Dorothy:
No, Rose. "Hookers".

Sophia:
Jealousy is an ugly thing, Dorothy. And so are you, in anything backless.

Rose:
Downtown? He means jail!

Dorothy:
Oh, really, Rose? I thought he meant Neiman Marcus.

Rose:
We wanted to get the best corner before Johnny No-Thumbs shows up with his lunch wagon.

Dorothy:
Johnny No-Thumbs ?

Rose:
Well actually, he has several fingers missing from each hand. It's remarkable to watch him make a veal and pepper hero. [heads for the door]

Dorothy:
Ma, you are trying to muscle in on a guy named Johnny No-Thumbs? Are you crazy? He's probably connected with the mob!

Sophia:
Relax! If they were his friends, he'd still have his thumbs! [opens the front door]

Rose:
He's a very sweet man, although the first time he waved hello, Sophia misunderstood and gave him the finger back.

[Dorothy is storming out of the house because she thinks Stan and Blanche are sleeping together]

Rose:
Where are you going?

Dorothy:
To either get ice-cream or commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.

Mr. Pfeiffer:
How about Thursday night?

Rose:
Thursday night?

Blanche:
Are you crazy?

Sophia:
Not Thursday, hell no!

Mr. Pfeiffer:
Sorry, I forgot. The Cosby Show.

Dorothy:
We're interested in arranging a funeral.

Mr. Pfeiffer:
Isn't that lovely. The three of you planning ahead for Mother.

Sophia:
Hey, Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?

Dorothy:
Mr. Pfeiffer...

Mr. Pfeiffer:
Oh, no, it's Puh-feiffer. The "P" is not silent.

Dorothy:
...anyway, Mr...Puh-feiffer...about the puh-funeral -- about the funeral...

Dorothy:
Ma, where are you going?

Sophia:
To throw some holy water on Mrs. Claxton. If she spits up pea soup and her head spins around, we're in big trouble!

Rose:
Mrs. Claxton's soul is part of that tree now, Sophia.

Sophia:
That's really lovely... and it's touching how that Great Dane is paying its respects!

Sophia:
For starters, Jean is a lesbian.

Dorothy:
Ma.

Blanche:
What's funny about that?

Sophia:
You aren't surprised?

Blanche:
Of course not. I mean I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one?

Dorothy:
Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian.

Sophia:
Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.

Blanche:
Rose? Jean has the hots for Rose?!! I don't believe it, I do not believe it!

Dorothy:
I was pretty surprised myself.

Blanche:
Well, I'll bet! To think Jean would prefer Rose over me! That's ridiculous!

Blanche:
Does Rose know?

Dorothy:
No.

Blanche:
Oh, good. I don't think you ought to tell her. After all, she's not as worldly and sophisticated about these things as I am.

Sophia:
Absolutely. If she finds out Danny Thomas is a lesbian, it'll break her heart.

Sophia:
Jean is a nice person. She happens to like girls instead of guys. Some people like cats instead of dogs. Frankly, I'd rather live with a lesbian than a cat. Unless a lesbian sheds; that I don't like.

[Big Daddy announces his engagement, and Blanche lets out a scream]

Big Daddy:
[about Blanche] Is she happy or sad?

Rose:
I'm not sure. I've never heard her make that sound before.

Dorothy:
I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.

[Blanche meets her father's new fiancee who is a young woman]

Dorothy:
Margaret, uh, please sit down.

Blanche:
Maybe we ought to get her a booster seat.

Dorothy:
[to Margaret] Can I get you a drink?

Blanche:
How 'bout chocolate milk?

Rose:
[sitting down next to Margaret] So, Margaret, you're from Atlanta.

Margaret:
Well that's right.

Blanche:
That child over there is trying to steal my daddy away. She ain't better but a tick on a slow moving hound dog.

Dorothy:
Why is everyone around here talking like Burl Ives?

Dorothy:
Ma, what are you doing!?

Sophia:
[caught sneaking Bridget's meal] It's a little habit I picked up. I call it eating.

Blanche:
Maybe Michael needs a little exposure.

Rose:
Exposure to what?

Dorothy:
To plutonium, Rose.

Michael:
[caught in bed with Bridget] Grandma, this isn't what it looks like!

Sophia:
Please! I'm eighty years old. I may not remember what it feels like, but I sure as hell remember what it looks like!

[Rose is in denial about Michael and Bridget's affair]

Rose:
You know how it is when you can't believe something.

Dorothy:
Yes. I can't believe Alan Thicke has a hit series, but that doesn't mean it isn't so.

Dorothy:
Rose, what would you call a girl who sleeps with a man she's known for one day?

Blanche:
[trying to defuse situation] A damn good sport?

Blanche:
Michael seems like such a nice young man.

Dorothy:
Oh, he really is. But I'm worried about him. He's always been a little flighty.

Blanche:
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Grandma Hollingsworth always said I was a little flighty... Or was it a little floozy?

Rick:
[about having to share a bathroom with the girls] How do you think we feel having to gargle next to Grandma Moses and the Mosettes?

Rose:
You, you, you rude person!

Dorothy:
Go easy on him Rose.

Dorothy:
[hearing a bark from the bedrooms] What was that?

Blanche:
Rose brought a dog home from the supermarket.

Dorothy:
What, couldn't she just get stew meat like she usually does?

Rose:
[about the dog] He followed me home.

Dorothy:
Oh come on, Rose, you drive to the market. How did he follow you home, in a taxi?!

Dorothy:
Ma, it's 8 o'clock in the morning, what are you doing with the sherry?

Sophia:
Don't worry! I'm not gonna drink it. I was just gonna hide it from the dog.

Dorothy:
Come on Ma, you expect me to believe that?

[Dorothy sets the bottle of sherry on the kitchen table, and the dog runs into the kitchen, jumps on top of a chair, and stares at the bottle longingly]

Dorothy:
[to the dog] ...Promise me you won't drive.

Rose:
[pretending the dog is talking to her] Don't explain, Rose. I used to live with a couple of bitches myself.

Blanche:
[to Dorothy] Eat dirt and die, trash.

Dorothy:
[responding to Mr. Allen] I'd be happy to, Mr. Allen.

Blanche:
[mocking Dorothy] Be happy to, Mr. Allen. My my, Dorothy, aren't we licking boots a little early this morning?

Dorothy:
I had a light breakfast.

Mr. Allen:
[Dorothy introduces him to her mother] Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Petrillo. What brings you to our humble home?

Sophia:
Is he gay?

Dorothy:
Uh, come on, honey, I'll walk you to the car.

Mr. Allen:
Goodbye, Mrs. Petrillo. Sorry you didn't have an opportunity to experience our museum. I'd love for you to see my most prized acquisition - a magnificent pair of Gauguins.

Sophia:
What are you, a pervert?!! I was married for 45 years, I never even saw my husband's gauguins!

Blanche:
I feel that you have backed me into a corner, and when I am backed into a corner, I come out fightin' like a wildcat. Unless I've had too much to drink, in which case I slide down the wall and make mad passionate love on the carpet.

Blanche:
I knew you'd been hiding something. You no-good, back-stabbing Jezebel, I demand you show me that paper!

Dorothy:
I'm sorry, flattery won't work!

Blanche:
[on the phone] Hello? ... Dorothy isn't here. ... She was arrested on a morals charge this morning. ... I know, you just never know, do you? Have a nice day!

Rose:
I haven't been this depressed since I was rejected by Uncle Sam.

Blanche:
Well honey, if he was your uncle, it wasn't meant to be. It wasn't like if he was your cousin, where the relationship might have had a future.

Dorothy:
Tell me Blanche, have any of your relatives appeared in Deliverance?

Dorothy:
We have created a poetry-writing citrus farmer who writes his letters with a lavender felt pen, and Rose thinks he's the most fascinating creature on earth. Now what does that tell you?

Blanche:
About Rose?

Dorothy:
About the whole bunch of us!

Isaac:
I was wondering where the party got to.

Dorothy:
Isaac, this is the ladies' room! This is where ladies go to the bathroom.

Isaac:
[looking at a large sofa that resembles a toilet] Whoa, how do you lift this baby up? I guess you have to stand back when you flush this thing.

[The girls have offered to watch Albert's diner for a little while so he can have some time with his family]

Albert:
Can you cook?

Sophia:
Are you black?

[Blanche is explaining to the girls why she gets aroused by Santa Claus]

Blanche:
I can't help it. There's something about a man in a Santa Claus suit that just drives me absolutely crazy! I don't know. Maybe it's-- it's the warmth of all that RED HOT SWEATY flannel, set against the austere coldness of those BLACK PANTHER LEATHER jack boots...OR maybe it's because those rosy cheeks and twinkling eyes bespeak a passion that is about to erupt from a man who just spent a COLD LONELY year cooped up with a pack of dwarfs! I'm not sure. All I know is the sight of a Santa sets my body aflame with unbridled desire!

Dorothy:
Blanche, you do realize you're in the minority on this?

Dorothy:
Uhh Rose, Are you going to be very much longer?

Rose:
Not now, Dorothy. This man is still very down about his financial situation. He was one of the principal backers of Howard the Duck.

Dorothy:
Merry Christmas, Rose. Merry Christmas, Blanche.

Rose:
Merry Christmas Dorothy, Merry Christmas Blanche.

Blanche:
Merry Christmas Rose--

Sophia:
What the hell is this, The Waltons?

[Blanche was telling the girls of one particular Christmas Eve where she met 3 or more men that night]

Dorothy:
Blanche, I could get herpes listening to this story!

[Rose is singing The First Noel and as the rest of the gang joins in....]

Rose:
Did I ever tell you about the time....one Christmas, we launched the production of A Christmas Carol with an all-chicken cast.

Dorothy:
God, look at the time!

Blanche:
Is it that late? I'm so tired.

[Dorothy, Blanche, and Sophia exit.]

[Blanche compares herself to one of "Charlie's Angels"]

Blanche:
I once was told I bore a striking resemblence to Miss Cheryl Ladd ... although my bosoms are perkier!

Dorothy:
Not even if you were hanging upside-down on a trapeze!

Rose:
We could do what we did on Christmas back in St. Olaf.

Dorothy:
I will not drink egg-nog while wearing a cast-iron brassiere.

Rose:
We don't do that on Christmas... we do that on Easter!

[Blanche has just given the girls her Christmas presents that she made for them]

Rose:
... "The Men of Blanche's Boudoir".

Blanche:
It's a calendar! Each month has a picture of a man who has brought special joy into my life.

Dorothy:
Aww Blanche, oh honey, this is so thoughtful. *turns page* ... WHOA!

Blanche:
...September?

Dorothy:
Yup.

Sophia:
I'm surprised you were able to walk in October!

Sophia:
[first seeing her sister] Angela?

Angela:
No, Gina Lollobrigida.

Dorothy:
Won't you try to work it out? Do it for your favorite niece.

Angela:
What's your cousin Graziella got to do with this?

Blanche:
Sophia! Now you stop trying to trick Rose just because she's weak, and vulnerable and dimwitted.

Rose:
YEAH!

Sophia:
If you didn't come here to apologize, why don't you leave?

Angela:
Why should I apologize?

Sophia:
I'll tell you why, because you're nothing but a back-stabbing Judas in sensible shoes!

Angela:
Oh, yeah? Well, you know what you are? You're a two-lire tramp with cheap bridgework!

Sophia:
May you put your dentures in upside down and chew your head off!

Angela:
May your legs grow old and gnarled and withered like an olive branch... [looking at Sophia's legs] you should be so lucky.

Sophia:
May your moles grow hair thicker than Jerry Vale's!

Angela:
May your marinara sauce never cling to your pasta!

Sophia:
Oooooh [biting her own fist], that's it! Come back here and say that to my face!

Stan:
Ask me anything.

Sophia:
All right, when the hell are you moving out?

Stan:
You kill me.

Sophia:
I'd love to.

Rose:
Sophia, is that a Captain Jack's Seafood Shanty uniform you're wearing?

Sophia:
No, Rose, I'm off to discover the Straits of Magellan. Yo ho!

Patrick:
[auditioning Blanche for the play] Please reconsider, Josie. You're the prettiest girl in the county. I need to have your answer now. What's it gonna be?

Blanche:
[throwing back her arms to embrace Patrick] I want you to TAKE ME, BIFF!

[The inflatable breasts Blanche is wearing under her shirt pop, and the sound of air leaking out of them is heard. Dorothy and Rose look on in shock.]

Patrick:
I'm afraid I popped your bosom!

Blanche:
Don't you worry 'bout a thing, Patrick. My backup pair can take a lot more punishment.

Patrick:
Now Rose, there's been something I've wanted to ask you all day...

Rose:
[referring to her breasts] Mine are real!

Patrick:
...That's not what I wanted to ask you, but that is good to know.

Dorothy:
I feel like such a fool.

Blanch:
Oh me too.

Rose:
Oh don't worry girls. The audience had a real good time and they got their money back on top of it.

Dorothy:
That's not what were talking about you titmouse! We were talking about how humiliated we all were by Patrick.

Rose:
Oh you're right. I feel so common, so cheap, so used. How do you usually deal with that Blanche?

Blanche:
Rose just for that, I'm going to flush the toilet tonight while you're taking a shower.

Blanche:
I am abhorred!

Sophia:
We know what you are Blanche. I'm glad to finally hear you admit it.

Blanche:
Sophia, I said "abhorred".

Sophia:
A whore, a slut, a tramp, it's all the same.

Rose:
[describing what she saw] And at the information desk was this huge train schedule. And next to every departure it said "Destination: Heaven." My first thought was, "Gee, what a great title for a movie!" My second thought was "Damn! I'm dead!"

Rose:
[continuing the description of her vision] There were people everywhere, rushing off to catch trains, sitting on benches, browsing in the souvenir shop.

Blanche:
The souvenir shop??

Dorothy:
Of course, Blanche. They were all buying T-shirts, you know, the ones that say, "Today is the first day of the end of your life."

Blanche:
[rummaging through her shopping purchases] This is for me... this is for me... this is for me... this was for you, but it's so cute, now it's for me... this is for you. [hands Dorothy package]

Dorothy:
"Edible Panties." Oh, what a lovely sentiment, thank you. [kisses Blanche on the cheek]

Blanche:
You really like 'em?

Dorothy:
Like 'em? I love 'em! In fact, I may have the waistband with a glass of milk before I go to bed tonight.

Rose:
[about why the baby, Emily, is crying] She probably misses her mother, needs to hear a feminine voice.

Dorothy:
[holding Emily] And what have I been doing, my Ben Gazzara impression?

Rose:
My uncle Lester only had one tooth and he could eat corn on the cob...Course he didn't actually get a lot of it into his mouth. So they'd cream what fell on his pants and he'd eat it later.

Sophia:
You're absolutely right Dorothy. And I'll tell you something else. A mother sometimes needs her children even more.

Dorothy:
Thank you, Ma. That's very sweet.

Sophia:
Give me twenty dollars.

Dorothy:
No.

Sophia:
Rose, did I say a mother needs her child? I meant roommate. Give me twenty dollars.

Rose:
What for?

Sophia:
Seoul, Korea, 1988, the Olympics. I'd like to be there competing for the USA. Contribute now and I'll make sure you get a Sophia lapel pin.

Rose:
[goes into her purse and gets Sophia the money] Okay. Good luck, we'll be watching.

Sophia:
Thanks. And Dorothy, if Gladys calls, tell her I'll be able to make Bingo tonight.

Rose:
Oh darn, I forgot something.

Blanche:
Go in your pajamas!

Rose:
No, it's not that, I forgot to say my prayers.

Dorothy:
Oh Rose, God wouldn't mind if you skipped a night! He's very busy these days, most of his spare time is spent talking to Pat Robertson.

Dorothy:
[deep voice, pretending to be God] Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer. Now shut up and get into bed.

Rose:
Amen! [gets into bed]

Blanche:
Nice work, Dorothy.

Dorothy:
Wasn't me.

Blanche:
[starts to look worried] Sweet Jesus, am I in trouble! [begins to pray] Now I lay me down to sleep...

Sophia:
What the hell is everyone so particular about? In Sicily four in a bed is a treat. It means half your family is on vacation. I slept with my two brothers until I was seventeen. I was engaged to one for a very short period of time, but that's a separate story.

Rose:
What are you doing?

Blanche:
I am contouring my eyebrows. I use Miss Christie Brinkley as a guide because we have exactly the same bone structure. I just hope she doesn't let herself go to pot after that baby comes. I don't want that big-eyed husband of hers coming after me.

Rose:
I never do very much with my eyebrows.

Blanche:
That's why from the nose up, you look like Wilford Brimley.

Dorothy:
Ma, don't be ridiculous, just turn up the heat.

Sophia:
It's already on 9. On 10, you can cook a Lean Cuisine!

Blanche:
[hearing a noise] Did you hear that?

Sophia:
Yeah, and while I'm in my own bed, I'll do what I want! [others back away]

Stationmaster:
Y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our trains leave early" right on the town seal.

Rose:
You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?

Stationmaster:
No, but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first!

Blanche:
This is like the Twilight Zone. Somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.

[Rose, who is scared after hearing a radio report about two escaped convicts from Georgia, is in bed with Blanche, and is demanding that Blanche tell her a story to calm her fears]

Blanche:
Once upon a time there were three bears...

Rose:
Not that one.

Blanche:
Pigs?

Rose:
No!

Blanche:
[irritated] Elephants. And they lived with a little girl named Rose.

Rose:
The elephants lived in the house?!

Blanche:
They were elephant dolls. Every night when Rose went to bed, she'd take the three elephants with her, because they made her feel so safe and secure.

Rose:
Elephant dolls???

Blanche:
[sounding more and more irritated] Right, elephant dolls. Until finally one night they got so sick and tired of Rose annoying them that they went off to sleep someplace else, and two big ol' escaped convicts snuck in through the window and MURDERED ROSE IN HER SLEEP!!!!

Rose:
Oh! [gets out of bed and flees into Blanche's closet]

Blanche:
Rose! Oh Rose, grow up!

Rose:
Dorothy, you didn't even taste my chipped beef.

Dorothy:
Of course I did, Rose!

Rose:
You didn't like it.

Dorothy:
Oh, don't be ridiculous, I loved it.

Rose:
[indicating the pile of untouched food on Dorothy's plate] Well, then have another bite.

Dorothy:
[pauses for a second] Okay... [gingerly takes a forkful of the chipped beef, but just as she is about to open her mouth, there is a power failure and the kitchen goes pitch black]

Blanche:
Oh no, the power lines must be down!

Sophia:
That's just great. I've got ten pounds of fresh clams in the refrigerator.

[Suddenly, the power returns, and we see Dorothy dabbing her lips with her napkin, and her plate is now clean]

Dorothy:
Rose, that was delicious, oh, thank you.

Sophia:
Who moved my purse? [struggles to lift purse] And why does it feel so heavy?

Sophia:
Eighty-one years I've eaten fish on Friday, even when the Pope told me I didn't have to. I go to Mass, I light candles, I say novenas, and for what? So it could all be flushed down the toilet because my daughter insists on going out with Father Happy Pants!

Dorothy:
Ma, you're not making it any easier.

Sophia:
Look, Dorothy, in the end only you can decide what's right for you, and whatever decision it is, I'll stand by it.

Dorothy:
Thanks, Ma.

Sophia:
Just remember, make the wrong decision, you'll burn in hell forever. Sleep tight, Pussycat.

Dorothy:
[describing a dream she had] I was a contestant on The Dating Game, and I won. I went around the corner to meet the bachelor who picked me, and it was the Pope.

Blanche:
Boy, that is a tough one. Where'd you go on the date?

Dorothy:
Oh, forget it, forget it, good night Blanche.

[Dorothy is embarrassed to find out that her date is actually a priest.]

Fr. Leahy:
You look lovely tonight.

Dorothy:
I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer.

Sophia:
I got my lucky handkerchief, I can't lose!

Rose:
Where'd you find it?

Sophia:
In my bra.

Rose:
In your bra? What was your lucky handkerchief doing in there?

Sophia:
I was blowing my breasts, Rose.

[Rose looks puzzled]

Sophia:
I stuffed it in to give me cleavage, to turn on the butcher so I could get a decent piece of veal.

[Blanche and Dorothy are role-playing to rehearse Dorothy's plan to invite Frank over for dinner, Blanche as Dorothy and Dorothy as Frank.]

Blanche:
Why Frank, you know, I've been thinkin', this is the third Saturday of our relationship and I don't even know what you like to eat. Why don't you come over for dinner this Saturday night and let me find out what [breathy and seductively] whets your appetite?

Dorothy:
And what are you serving for dessert, Blanche, penicillin?

Blanche:
[meeting Frank for the first time, is stunned that he is a priest] Good evening, Father. My, my, this must be an important cause. Don't you usually make the nuns ask for money? I'll get my purse.

Frank:
I- I'm Frank. I'm here to see Dorothy.

Blanche:
You're the hunk? I mean... forgive me, Father. That is, forgive my language, uh- not in your official capacity. I'm not even Catholic, I'm a Baptist and you can't forgive us Baptists. ... Sweet Jesus, why am I babblin'? ... I meant that in all due reverence. I never take the Lord's name in vain. Oh God, now I'm lyin' to a priest! Why don't you just come on in and sit down? I'm, I'm Blanche, I'm Dorothy's roommate. Would you get the door?

Frank:
Dorothy's told me a great deal about you.

Blanche:
[nervously]] Well, she seems to have left out one itty-bitty detail about you.

Frank:
That I'm a priest?

Blanche:
Uh-huh.

Frank:
She didn't know.

Blanche:
What'd she think, you were just a boring dresser?

Frank:
She's never seen me in cleric's clothing.

Blanche:
I didn't know you priests could take your clothes off.

Frank:
We do a lot of things real people do.

Blanche:
Except for one very important thing. Boy, is that gonna put a hitch in Dorothy's plans.

Sophia:
[in confessional at church] I'm not here to confess, Father, I did that a day and a half ago. At my age, how much can I sin? What, I had an impure thought? I'd kill to have an impure thought. But that would be two sins. But now I'm telling you your business. Let me get to the real point of my visit. It's about you and my daughter. I know everything, and frankly, I'm not thrilled.

[Cut to inside the confessional. Sophia thinks the priest she is talking to is Frank, but it's actually a different priest. The priest inside the confessional looks horrified.]

Sophia:
Of course, if you want to break your mother's heart and leave the priesthood, that's between you and the Vatican. But there are a few things you should know about Dorothy before you get carried away.

Deacon:
[outside confessional] So, Frank, have you made your decision?

Frank:
I think I can serve God and the Church better as a teaching priest at St. Helen instead of a parish priest here.

Deacon:
Well, we're gonna miss you around here.

Sophia:
[inside confessional, still thinking she is talking to Frank] Look, I know priests are men and they have urges. What is it, lust? It'll pass. I do without, you get used to it. Get cable TV.

Dorothy:
[seeing Frank as a priest for the first time] ...tell me that's a Nehru jacket.

Blanche:
I will not have that filthy beast in my house! It belongs in a barnyard!

Rose:
This is not a farm chicken. Count Bessie is a showbiz chicken! Wait'll you see this! [exits]

Blanche:
[to Dorothy] A showbiz chicken. What she do, play the piano?

Rose:
[re-enters with a mini-piano] She plays the piano!

Dorothy:
[sees Angela at the door] Aunt Angela!

Angela:
No, Sophia Loren. I stopped using Oil of Olay.

Sophia:
[on Tony] He's the best catch in town! He's got his own hair, his own teeth, and a totally unrestricted driver's license. Hey, at my age, that's like dating Tom Cruise!

Blanche:
Sophia says she has no appetite since she was stabbed in the back.

Rose:
Oh my God, who stabbed Sophia?!

Dorothy:
The chef at Benihana, Rose.

Dorothy:
[to Sophia and Angela] Gosh, you two made such a fantastic meal, I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.

Rose:
I made dessert!

Blanche:
Damn.

Rose:
What'd you say, Blanche?

Blanche:
"Yum," I said "yum."

Dorothy:
Rose, is this another one of those Scandinavian Viking concoctions?

Rose:
Yes! It's called Geneuckenfluegen Cake. It's an ancient recipe, but I Americanized it.

Dorothy:
So one might say you brought "Geneuckenfluegen" into the '80s?

Rose:
Yes, but I'm not one to blow my own greteugenfruegen.

Sophia:
I can't even reach mine!

Sophia:
Everything I have, you try to steal. May the bags under your eyes grow so large your head falls in 'em!

Angela:
May your shampoo get mixed up with your Preparation H and shrink your head to the size of a mushroom!!

Rose:
Girls! Girls, Count Bessie is missing. I went out to the garage to feed 'er and her cage was empty. Where could she be?

Dorothy:
Uhh, Aunt Angela? Where did you get this chicken?

Angela:
The garage.

Blanche:
I guess this means no live entertainment with dessert.

Blanche:
Rose, honey, you've got to stop torturing yourself like this! Now Count Bessie is gone!

Rose:
I know. It's just such a tragedy. Who cooks a musician at the height of her career?

Blanche:
Rose, you've got to put this in perspective. Count Bessie was a chicken. It's not as if Angela had fried up Doc Severinsen!

Dorothy:
[enters the kitchen] How are you doing, Rose?

Blanche:
Not very good, Dorothy.

Dorothy:
Oh, honey, now listen, you may not think so now, but in a few days, you'll feel better.

Rose:
No, I won't. Because Mrs. Butell will be back by then. What am I supposed to say? "Welcome home! How was your trip? Oh, by the way..." [holds up Tupperware and starts to cry] "...here's Count Bessie!"

[the girls are watching Rose's video]

Rose:
That's Sophia walking into the kitchen.

Sophia:
I didn't know Fess Parker was in this picture.

Dorothy:
Ma, what're you doing?

Sophia:
I'm mugging for the camera.

Dorothy:
You're mugging me! You're stealing out of my pocket!

Sophia:
I'm checking to make sure you have the exact change for the bus... now I'm stealing.

Blanche:
Oh my god, is that me?!

Rose:
Oh, that's my fault, Blanche, I was out of focus.

Sophia:
You're always out of focus.

Blanche:
No, I look old, I look ancient, I look all wrinkled up and shriveled like a prune!

Sophia:
It could be worse, she could look like Fess Parker.

Sophia:
Dorothy, this could be my big break! With the exposure I get from Rose's movie, I could hawk my recipes all over the country!

Dorothy:
Oh, come on Ma, that's ridiculous.

Sophia:
Ahh no, if you wanna move your product, you gotta have exposure. All the great Italian chefs had it, Mama Celeste, Chef Boyardee, and Chef Valducci.

Rose:
I don't remember Chef Valducci.

Sophia:
Oh yeah, he didn't have television exposure, that was indecent exposure. He should have stuffed the cannelloni in the traditional manner.

Dorothy:
Will you put that thing down. What do you think you're doing?

Rose:
Well, I'm making a video for my class at the junior college.

Dorothy:
Oh, really? Gee it sounds like fun.

Rose:
Oh, I'm glad you think so, cause I want you to be one of the stars!

Dorothy:
Oh, Rose, I don't think so! You know how uncomfortable I am in front of a camera. Besides I always come out looking like Fess Parker.

Rose:
Don't worry. This is a documentary' it's okay if you're not good looking.

Rose:
Oh, Blanche, how do you feel about performing in front of a video camera?

Blanche:
I think it's okay as long as you've already had at least three dates.

Dorothy:
I never belonged to a sorority. I was blackballed.

Rose:
Oh, I think that is so cruel. The Alpha Yams didn't have blackballing. We believed that any girl who wanted to help her community and foster a feeling of sisterhood should be allowed to join.

Dorothy:
That's very commendable.

Rose:
As long as she could castrate a sheep.

Sophia:
There was a service organization in Sicily with similar membership requirements, except that instead of a sheep, it usually involved a mayor from a neighboring town.

Dorothy:
Ma...

Sophia:
Hey, some of Italy's finest sopranos were former mayors.

Rose:
[telling a St. Olaf story about a woman who had plastic surgery] Olga Fetchik was our town beautician, and one of God's most unattractive creations since the aardvark. Anyway, over the years, Olga had been secretly squirreling away money for plastic surgery. Well, one day she left without telling anyone, had the surgery, and didn't return for months. Well, nobody could believe their eyes - Olga Fetchik had turned into a stunning beauty! Every man in town wanted her, but she ended up marrying St. Olaf's most handsome and eligible bachelor, dance instructor Adolf Stepp. The two of them moved back to Norway, decided to get into show business, and they became the internationally renowed Scandinavian dance team of Stepp 'n' Fetchik.

Blanche:
Rose, not that I care, but since you've already gone to so much trouble... just how did having plastic surgery ruin Olga's life?

Rose:
Oh, it didn't ruin her life, it almost ruined St. Olaf. I mean, after she left, the town didn't have a professional beautician for years. Women started giving each other home perms - pretty soon everybody looked like Art Garfunkel. Husbands stopped sleeping with their wives, the population started to go down. Well, the town would have gone under if Oslo's most famous hairstylist, Vidal Sassbogadotter, hadn't relocated his shop in St. Olaf because of our more favorable tax laws! Now you see why I don't like plastic surgery?

[Dorothy stares at Rose quizzically for a few seconds, then walks over to Sophia, who is listening to a Walkman, and turns the volume on the Walkman all the way up.]

Sophia:
[screaming in pain] OW! WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?

Dorothy:
Why should we be the only ones in pain?

[The girls enter Blanche's room in the hospital.]

Dorothy:
Blanche, honey, how are you?

Patient:
[mumbles something incomprehensible because of the bandages covering the mouth]

Rose:
Oh, you're probably pretty uncomfortable right now, but in a few days you'll be feeling fine, Blanche.

Patient:
[mumbles again]

Sophia:
Can we get you anything?

Patient:
[mumbles again, then lifts up the bedclothes...]

Dorothy:
Whoa.

Sophia:
I think you've got yourself one hell of a lawsuit there, Blanche!

Rose:
Was this a last minute decision?

Dorothy:
We're very sorry, sir.

Dorothy:
[watching a violent movie in a theater with Mario] Woah! Oh, I'm sorry, Mario. I just, I never realized that ripping off a nose would leave that big a hole!

Rose:
Where are you going?

Sophia:
The President is in town, so a bunch of us are going to his hotel to see his wife. I just loved her in Father Knows Best.

Rose:
Sophia, you're a little confused, honey. That was Jane Wyatt, the President was married to Jane Wyman.

Sophia:
That old crow from Falcon Crest ?

Rose:
Well, it doesn't matter, they're not married anymore. Now he's married to Nancy Davis.

Sophia:
From All About Eve?

Rose:
That's Bette Davis.

Sophia:
The one who beat her kids with wire hangers?

Rose:
No, that was Joan Crawford.

Sophia:
The fat cop from Highway Patrol?

Rose:
[thinks] That was Broderick Crawford.

Sophia:
The President was married to Broderick Crawford? And Mondale still lost, what an idiot!

Blanche:
Rose, I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable having you work for me.

Sophia:
I do. You wanna be my servant, Rose?

Rose:
Blanche, I'm not talking about big things. I'm talking about little things, like doing your laundry.

Sophia:
My laundry's more fun, Rose.

Rose:
It's the only way I'll feel better about losing your earrings.

Sophia:
Ever see panties from the '20's, Rose? They got pockets!

[the girls are looking in the theater]

Dorothy:
I can't see a thing.

Rose:
What kind of a movie is this Dorothy?

Patron:
[yelling] Rip his throat out!

Dorothy:
It's a musical Rose.

Dorothy:
Ma, you can't sleep either?

Sophia:
No, I'm sleeping so good I thought I'd come try it in the sink.

Rose:
I did learn that Baked Alaska can actually be baked locally.

Dorothy:
Rose, I have an even bigger scoop for you. Mars Bars are made right here on earth.

Blanche:
[on the charity banquet] I told the manager, if he let us have that room, I would persuade my sister to sing for free in his piano bar!

Rose:
You mean your sister Virginia?

Blanche:
No, I mean my sister, Miss Susan Anton!

Dorothy:
Blanche, how could you tell such a lie?

Blanche:
He didn't believe me for a minute! He told me I was much too attractive to be related to her. But he gave us the room anyhow because he said he liked my moxie!

Sophia:
And I bet you liked showing it to him!

Rose:
Blanche, sometimes you act just like a woman I knew in St. Olaf!

Sophia:
Please, no one say "what woman?"

Rose:
[describing a nightmare she had to Dorothy] I'm at the banquet. It looks beautiful, I look beautiful, everyone looks beautiful. Suddenly Charlton Heston walks in dressed like Moses, and he tries to part the dessert table. And when that doesn't work, he rounds up all the guests and leads them to the lingerie department of the nearest J.C. Penney's, where everybody starts making fun of the fat lady underwear. What do you suppose it means?

Dorothy:
That you spent too many years sleeping on curlers.

Rose:
You know, sometimes when people are under pressure, they sleep to escape.

Sophia:
Dorothy's father used to do that. Unfortunately it was usually during foreplay.

Dorothy:
Ma, the man is dead.

Sophia:
Longer than you think.

Blanche:
[on the difference between Jake and her "ideal" man] But I'm not going to let that discourage me from finding my Mr. Right, and I'm not going to compromise my standards either. I am simply going to look high and low, far and wide, and never lose heart, for I know one day my prince will come. [leaves]

Dorothy:
Now what was that supposed to mean?

Sophia:
I wasn't paying close attention, but from what I could make of it she's going to sleep with that little black guy Prince.

[Blanche fills the entire coffee table with many different snacks from the kitchen.]

Sophia:
A few more snacks like that and the only thing you'll be able to fit into is a saddle.

Blanche:
I'm not gonna eat all of this at once, Sophia. There's an I Love Lucy marathon on tonight. I'm setting up for 12 straight hours of classic TV.

Sophia:
I never cared for that show. Every single episode, Lucy said the same thing. "Ricky, why can't I be in the show? Ricky, why can't I be in the show?" Why couldn't she be in the show? The woman was a riot at home. His show at the club stank. What's so entertaining about a Cuban beating a drum?

Blanche:
Rose, let's go watch I Love Lucy in the kitchen.

Rose:
But that set is black and white!

[Blanche and Rose are on the couch watching an I Love Lucy marathon. Ending music plays.]

Rose:
You know, I'm still a little confused. Who exactly is Ricky?

Blanche:
Lucy's husband.

Rose:
I thought Desi was Lucy's husband.

Blanche:
Not on the show.

Rose:
Desi wasn't on the show?

Blanche:
Desi played Ricky!

Rose:
Who did Lucy play?

Blanche:
Lucy.

Rose:
I know, but who did she play?

Blanche:
Lucy!

Rose:
Right, but who did she play?

Blanche:
Lucy played Lucy!

Rose:
Well, then why didn't Desi play Desi?

Blanche:
He wasn't tall enough.

Dorothy:
And do not call me Mother Dorothy. I hate it when you call me Mother Dorothy! I feel like I should be handing out rice on the streets of Calcutta!

Dorothy:
[referring to her daughter and son-in-law in the kitchen] How long have they been in there?

Rose:
Since Lucy went to Scotland!

Dorothy:
That would make it over thirty years, Rose.

Dorothy:
Oh, I remember when Stanley told me he was having an affair. It was at least 24 hours before I cut the crotches out of all his slacks.

Blanche:
You didn't!

Dorothy:
I was teaching English Lit at the time. Symbolism was my life.

Al Mullins:
I'd like to ask you about your next-door neighbors, the McDowells.

Bobby Hopkins:
They're not who you think they are.

Rose:
You mean we invited the wrong people to dinner?

Dorothy:
Oh, I don't know. Two policemen living in our house?

Blanche:
So what's that to be afraid of, Dorothy? Once you strip away the gruff exterior, the badge, the gun, the uniform-

Dorothy:
You've got a naked policeman.

Blanche:
Exactly.

Rose:
I'll do it, I'll be the plant.

Sophia:
You are a plant.

Dorothy:
Well, if anybody's going to do it, it should be me.

Al Mullins:
Why you?

Dorothy:
Because I am the best under pressure.

Sophia:
And she bears a striking resemblance to Barnaby Jones.

Blanche:
I would do it [go undercover], but I'm afraid I might be too conspicuous. It's a dinner party and I plan to show cleavage!

Rose:
[listening to a planted bug] They keep talking about that noodlehead in the red dress. Could that be code language?

Dorothy:
Only to the noodlehead in the red dress.

Al Mullins:
We'll use the bathroom as a lookout and the kitchen as a base.

Sophia:
Fine. We'll just cook in the fireplace and pee in the broom closet.

Rose:
[about Martha, a new neighbor] I followed her through the store and wrote down everything she bought.

Dorothy:
Rose, they steal jewels, not Jeno's Pizza Rolls!

Dorothy:
[about Sophia] She's really a very sweet woman. She just doesn't like to show it.

Al Mullins:
Is that a family trait?

Rose:
You're the one who always complains that her birthday parties are dull and boring. When I saw Mr. Ha Ha's advertised on television, it looked like fun.

Dorothy:
For a five year old, Rose. Or someone who thinks like one!

Mr. Ha Ha:
Get up on stage, Dorothy!

Dorothy:
Get bent, Ha-Ha!

Mr. Ha Ha:
Well, it says here on my Ha Ha birthday list that Bobby is seven, Jeannie is nine, and Dorothy is...

Dorothy:
I'll punch your heart out, Ha Ha!

Mr. Ha Ha:
...Dorothy is the oldest!

Mr. Ha Ha:
Come on, kids. Make a wish and blow out the candles. [the kids and Dorothy blow out the candles] I hope everybody gets what they wished for.

Dorothy:
Do you really, Mr. Ha Ha? [holds up the cake]

Mr. Ha Ha:
Dorothy, if I were you, I would put the cake down. You see, Mr. Music's brother is Mr. Lawyer.

Dorothy:
Did you finish the decorations, Rose?

Rose:
No, not yet. I, I kinda got sidetracked. [reveals a mouse-like balloon sculpture] Look. [laughs]

Dorothy:
This is what you've been doing for the past forty-five minutes?

Rose:
Uh-huh. Isn't he cute? I call him Scotty. [Dorothy pops the balloon]

Dorothy:
Now you can call him garbage.

Dorothy:
We are throwing a surprise birthday party for Blanche. I want you to go out to the lanai and mingle with the other guests.

Sophia:
Check! ...What's a lanai?

Dorothy:
The porch!

Sophia:
Excuse me, Krystle Carrington!

Sophia:
Besides, you think I'd ruin Roberta's milestone birthday?

Rose:
Milestone? She's 88.

Sophia:
Right. After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone!

Rose:
[on why she loves washing dishes] In Minnesota, the whole family would get together and wash dishes. Even Uncle Gustav, after the giant Swiss Army Knife accident, learned to dry dishes with his feet. We used to laugh and carry on and have such a happy time.

Sophia:
What is it with you people? All you ever had were happy times?! It's sickening! Happy times freezing in the cold, happy times during the locust invasion, happy times eating reindeer! How about death? Did you have happy times then?

Rose:
Yes, actually, we did. It was a chance to get together and remember other happy times!

Sophia:
She's beginning to get to me.

Blanche:
[on why she never suffered from Empty Nest Syndrome] I couldn't wait for my kids to get out on their own. I got depressed watching them grow older, 'cause it meant I was getting older. They were like noisy little calendars. The minute they all entered high school, I told everybody they were my husband's from a previous marriage.

Dorothy:
And you wonder why they're in therapy.