Community, Season 3

Britta:
Okay, guys, let's get to Biology on time. I don't want to be a screw up this year.

Jeff:
Umm, Britta. [Points to his Biology book while looking at the Chemistry book Britta is holding]

Annie:
So we're really doing this without Pierce? It's so sad.

Jeff:
Yeah, we've parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest elderly crazy friend. And he's not coming back.

Pierce:
[Suddenly from behind Jeff] I'm back.

Shirley:
Oh, Starburns. I see you added a lizard to your special hat and sideburns. Am I missing anything?

Starburns:
Yeah, the human being underneath it all, but no one's really interested in that, are they?

Shirley:
No.

Annie:
Well, the real important thing is that there is a Model U.N., it doesn't really matter who starts it. It just means her name goes on some charter and she gets to put it on her resume, and lead the Greendale team to the national Model U.N., and meet Kofi Annan, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, and will.i.am.

Troy:
[Excited] Boutros Boutros-Ghali?!

Professor Cligoris:
A logical, effective, common-sense move, Annie Kim, one which flies in the very face of the United Nations itself: A fundamentally symbolic organisation founded on the principles of high-minded rhetoric and empty gestures. Blue UN wins!

Jeff:
Oh, look, Indiana Jones and the apartment of perpetual virginity.

Troy:
Haha! Chop busted, fellow adult. Chop busted.

[recurring scene.]

[Troy and Abed's buzzer sounds, indicating that the pizza delivery guy has arrived. Each of the study group members makes the "not it" gesture simultaneously.]

Jeff:
[sighs, then picks up die from Yahtzee set.] Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed:
Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff:
[incredulous] Of course I am, Abed.

[Jeff tosses the die into the air.]

Britta:
You've got a bowl of olives next to the toilet?

Troy:
It's a fancy party, Britta.

Annie:
[To Jeff] Who the hell are you always texting?! Everyone you know is here!

Todd:
What is wrong with you people?! Huh?! I thought you were supposed to be friends! I thought you were supposed to love each other! Your love is weird! And toxic! And it destroys everything it touches! I no longer care about grades! Or Biology, or finally graduating from college like I promised my dying father. I'm going home. I'm going to hold my wife and my child close and I'm going to finally take my insulin shot! Offense taken! [Quietly] Offense taken.

Britta:
Remember last week when I made you guys fill out those anonymous personality tests from my psych class?

Jeff:
Look, if you dropped them in another puddle...

Abed:
Here we are: a log cabin I rented so we could be intimate in safety because it's not the fifties so we don't have to park our car and neck at expression point.

Britta:
That makes sense. I'm turned on by how logical you are.

[...]

Abed:
And I am comforted by your facial symmetry.

[Pierce has decided to do a gay bash party for his new product]

Britta:
Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirement for open-mindedness.

Annie:
Yeah, I'm really proud of you, you're growing up as a person.

Jeff:
Oh, good grief, he's not supporting gay people. They're supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes, he would have ridden in on a donkey.

Britta:
I can excuse racism, but I draw the line on animal cruelty.

Shirley:
You can excuse racism?

Britta:
[To Annie] I forgot you're twenty. When you become roommates with friends, the things you love about them become the things that makes you want to smother them with a pillow.

Jeff:
[As Dean] Welcome to Dean-dale Community Colle-dean! I'm a silly goose. Honk honk! Dean-a-lee-doo! Look at me! This is my sister's outfit!

Dean:
Jeffrey, stop. [Pause] You've hit gold. Save some for the screen.

Annie:
The Dean had his seventh epiphany today, which has given me an epiphany of my own: the Dean is a genius. He has to be. If he isn't, then I've given almost two weeks of life to an idiot; that is unacceptable. Therefore, the Dean is a genius, and I will die protecting his vision.

Abed:
Are you by any chance familiar with Stockholm syndrome?

Annie:
Is it something that the Dean created? Because if not, I don't care.

Jeff:
Gentlemen, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos. My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos, invented this game for one purpose: to have the loudest, dumbest thing happen. Now, it has. The game of Foosball is completed. You're free to return to your undoubtedly hearing impaired families.

Karl:
Tell you what. We'll stop playing if you can score a point on us.

Jeff:
Tempting, but then wouldn't I be playing Foosball, if so how would I not be a loud, weird knob?

Juergen:
Free shot! I'm not even touching the Foosenshaft.

Jeff:
Sorry, Luftballons. I'm above it. [Turns away, then spins back and grabs the poles. Juergen scores a point]

Juergen:
I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I feel at viewing misfortune.

Jeff:
What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night? Shouldn't you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?

Karl:
You take that back!

Juergen:
We came to play. Get away from our table.

Shirley:
We're using it, strudel-brain.

Jeff:
Nice.

Juergen:
Then play us for it.

Shirley:
Fine! Monday morning. Only let's make it interesting: the loser never gets to use this table again.

Juergen:
Oh you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.

Jeff:
We're gonna kick das butt.

Shirley:
Nice.

Jeff:
Thank you.

Juergen:
Enough Teutonic punnery! Monday morning, you get this. [Kicks a soccer ball at Jeff like a Foosball-figure]

Jeff:
Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that? They left the ball and everything. I think they were literally walking around with it like a prop to use. It's like a twenty-five dollar bit, and it's not even that good!

Jeff:
Not liking Glee club doesn't make us bullies. And implying that is reverse bullying.

Annie:
[Singing like Betty Boop] Teach me how to understand Christmas

Show me how to open a box

It hurts my little head

When I'm lying in my bed

With visions of sugarplum... socks?

Jeff:
[Confused] Is this a bit?

Annie:
Teach me how to understand Christmas

Do I trim the tree or the deer?

I can't keep it straight

And now it's getting late

Where does the stocking go? [Puts it on her head] Here? I can't see!

What's a Christmas Eve, is that Santa's lady?

Are snowmen cold or hot?

Won't you be my daddy?

I'm a silly Christmas baby!

Tell me what to deck, 'cause I forgot!

Jeff:
Annie-

Annie:
Bwain hurty understandy Chwsitmas

Mistletoe for eaty, taste good?

You smarty, me dumb; help pwetty have fun!

Boopy doopy boop doop sex!

Jeff:
Look, eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.

Annie:
What's a diminimuhmm... [Devolves into babbling]

Britta:
[To Shirley and Pierce] Am I the only person enraged by the fact that corporations are taking human form? I totally predicted this in my high school newspaper column: Britta Unfiltered.

Pierce:
Unfiltered. I get it.

Britta:
Get what?

Britta:
[To Shirley and Pierce] I am not a whore, and, not that I've done the math, but, if I were, I'd be the super classy kind that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel.

Troy:
How did we get the short straw?

Abed:
It's not a short straw. It's a hot potato.

Troy:
Yeah, well, it looks pretty cold to me.

Abed:
Cold or dead?.

Troy:
Survey says...

Abed:
We can't both do the zinger.

Jeff:
If it's any consolation, she got me here on a very misleading text message.

Annie:
Technically, you are about to be screwed in the biology room.

Britta:
You're just jealous because we found a world where I know what I'm doing.

Pierce:
[about Abed] Uh-Oh. He's playing the Rain Man card. Let's bounce.

Britta:
Today is Abed's first therapy session.

Jeff:
His what?

Britta:
He's been feeling extra vulnerable lately, having lost Troy to the air conditioning repair school, so he's finally going to let me practice my psych skills on him! Give me some credit, Winger. What's the worst that could happen?

Leonard:
Classic tee-up.

Britta:
Shut up, Leonard, I know about your crooked wang.

Leonard:
No such thing as bad press.

Evil Abed:
You're worried you'll go crazy without Troy. That's why you're going to let Britta fix you, right? Because you think you're broken, you're going to get diagnosed by someone who said her favorite superhero was X-Man.

[Jeff daydreams about he and the study group singing a song to celebrate the beginning of a new year at Greendale Community College]

Jeff: We're gonna fly to school each morning, We're gonna smile the entire time.

Britta: We're gonna be more happy, We're gonna finally be fine!

Abed:
We're gonna get more calm and normal,

Troy:
We're gonna fix our state of mind!

Annie:
We're gonna be less crazy,

Everyone:
We're gonna finally be fine!

Shirley: We're gonna stand holding hands in a brand new land, Far away from the borderline!

Dean:
We're gonna seem like a mainstream dream,

Chang:
And be appealing to all mankiiiiiind!

Everyone: We're gonna have more fun and be less weird than the first two years combined! And we're gonna live forever!

Jeff and Annie:
And we're gonna sleep together!

Everyone: And we're gonna finally Be sunny and shinily We're gonna finally be fine!

[Abed is watching the sixth episode of Cougarton Abbey, a British TV show recommended to him by Britta, when everybody on the show dies, leaving Abed confused]

Abed:
Uhmm...

Troy:
Britta, why did everyone on Cougarton Abbey just die?

Britta:
They only ran six episodes. That's the great thing about British TV, they give you closure!

Shirley:
Ohh!

[Abed starts screaming, then stops and becomes unresponsive as if he was a robot that got shut down]

Troy:
No, no, no! We'll find you a new favorite show! We'll find you a new favorite show! C'mon, buddy! [to Britta] You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman!

Abed:
Okay, here's the plan. [starts mumbling nonsense]

Jeff:
Abed! What did I tell you? You can't just mumble nonsense. No one's cutting away.

Professor Marshall Kane:
What is happening at this school? I have so many conversations that make no sense.

Troy:
[sees something in Annie's purse] Uhh, guys? What does a pregnancy test look like?

Jeff:
It's like a tiny piece of plastic with a thing at the end of it.

Troy:
Okay so this is definitely a gun.

Troy:
[to Pierce, after discovering that his housewarming gift is a doll Troy's afraid of] You're a sick, sad, twisted old man and I hope you die alone.

Britta:
[to Shirley, after having eaten one of her pies] Crap. I was not supposed to eat your stuff, we all made an agreement. Crap! I was not supposed to say that out loud! Crap! Okay, cards on the table. I'm really high right now!

Abed:
Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.

Britta:
Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!

Abed:
Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven. Shirley will always be giving. Pierce will never apologize. Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective. And Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.

[Everybody gasps]

Shirley:
Abed!

Abed:
There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.

[Jeff snickers and the rest of the group send him to get the pizza]

Shirley:
[in the study room of the "Darkest timeline"] To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce. [Chuckles as she pours some wine on Pierce's empty chair]

Britta:
Shirley, don't you think you've had enough?

Shirley:
Of you.

[Britta gasps]

Abed:
Guys, I've been thinking about that night over and over. One thing has become clear: this is the darkest and most terrible timeline.

Britta:
Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died, Shirley is a drunk, Annie is locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane, Jeff lost an arm in the fire, Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it!

Troy:
[speaking through a device connected to his throat] Clearly you don't understand anything about defeating trolls.

Britta:
Life has gone to hell, Abed! This is real! Look at us, look at me!

Jeff:
Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair, and I lost an arm.

Britta:
Exactly! Life got dark.

Abed:
All because Jeff rolled a one.

Jeff:
Oh, I love how this is my fault somehow.

Abed:
It's mine. I've run through that night over and over in my head and I keep coming back to one thought: I should've caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. But I'm gonna make it up to you. [gives everyone in the study group a black piece of felt]

Jeff:
What is this?

Abed:
Of all the timelines this is clearly the darkest, which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I've made ourselves black goatees out of felt; I suggest you put 'em on until you're able to grow your own. [puts his felt goatee on] From now on, I'm Evil Abed. We're the Evil Study Group, and we have but one evil goal: return somehow to the prime timeline - the one that I stopped you from rolling that die - then we destroy the good versions of ourselves and reclaim our proper lives.

Evil Jeff:
[visibly angry] Evil Abed, as Evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?

Evil Abed:
Certainly.

Evil Jeff:
I hate you! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I've lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards!

Evil Abed:
Goatees.

[Evil Jeff storms out of the study room followed by Evil Britta and Evil Shirley]

[Evil Troy puts on his felt goatee, Evil Abed looks at him intrigued]

Evil Troy and Evil Abed:
[singing] Evil Troy and Evil Abed!

Jeff:
I'm no sociopath. I always know what I'm doing is wrong.

[Jeff confronts Pierce's father]

Jeff:
Listen up, Colonel Cryptkeeper. I could live a million years and I could spend every minute of it doing important things. But at the end of it all, I would only have lived half a life if I had not raised a son. This was a gift that was handed to you. You squandered it. And the reason you have so much hatred in your heart is because you're trying to fill a hole where your kid was supposed to go, and now it's too late.

Troy:
There are a couple of things we're hoping you'll help us with.

Abed:
Yes. Like where does the water go in the iron?

Troy:
And what's the iron for?

Abed:
And what gets out Kool-Aid stains?

Troy:
We already know the opposite color Kool-Aid doesn't work.

Dean:
This isn't Hollywood, Pierce. If it was, these glasses would be tinted and I'd be friends with Stevie Nicks.

[Jeff, wearing a bald cap, took up the role of Dean Craig Pelton for the commercial of Greendale Community College]

Jeff:
Pierce mistook me for the Dean today.

Abed:
How did that make you feel?

Jeff:
I've become a stranger to myself. I'm bald now. I've always been bald. I merely dreamt of having hair, and now, the bald man is awake.

Jeff:
Glee club, meet ASCAP, protecting music copyright since 1914. It seems they received an anonymous tip that someone was performing unlicensed material without the composer's consent. Merry Christmas, everybody. Glee club has become history club.

Annie:
I'll be at the movies with my bubbe.

Troy:
You're not taking both of them?

Annie:
Well, one's dead.

Troy:
What?!

Britta:
When are we going to outgrow this outmoded concept of marriage?

Annie:
What, you're anti-weddings now?

Jeff:
No, she's just pro-anti.

Annie:
"Webster's Dictionary defines"? That's the Jim Belushi of speech openings. It accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody knows why.

Dean:
I don't know who told you pouting was an option for you, but all you're making me feel right now is hatred of Renee Zellweger.

Troy:
Abed is a magical elf-like man who makes us all more magical by being near him.

Abed:
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Evil Abed:
Hot. Hot, hot, hot.

Troy:
[to Abed] I'm giving you an all tomato. Meaning you give me the whole tomato or else.

Narrator:
Chang has recruited a team of pre-teen security interns while moonlighting at a local bar mitzvah. They were later nicknamed the Changlourious Basterds. Like Inglourious Basterds but with "Chang" instead of "in". I don't get it either.

Annie:
One of the soldiers said they were making trophies out of mattress tags. This was as ugly as things could get... while still being a pillow fight.

Jeff:
[voice-over] First entry in my stupid journal. Today I had to run and get two imaginary friendship hats from an office. I could have just walked around the corner and then come back, but for some reason I actually went all the way back to where they were supposed to be. One was crumpled up a bit. That was Troy's. The other was a little dusty. That was Abed's. I fixed them up, even though I was the only one watching, because I settled on a truth today that's always going to be true. I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels, which finally makes me understand war.

Troy:
She was born in the 80s, she still uses her phone as a phone!

Jeff:
None of us have to "go to" anyone, and the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath-mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.

Pierce:
I used a mnemonic device. "Kevin Please Come Over For Gay Sex."

Annie:
You don't have a patent on being a control freak, Abed.

Abed:
I sorta do.

[Shirley, Britta, Troy and Abed are analyzing a picture of the biology lab]

Shirley:
Britta, zoom in there. There's a clock on the wall.

Abed:
[trying to read the time on the clock] Eight plus two, times five-

Troy:
Ten after eight.

Abed:
I'm gifted in other ways.

Britta:
Annie has a point. The death of a peer, especially at our age, can trigger a whole range of emotions. As a psychologist...

Jeff:
Student.

Britta:
...I hereby offer my licensed...

Jeff:
Unlicensed.

Britta:
...services as a grief counsellor.

Jeff:
Grief causer.

Britta:
If anyone needs to talk, the doctor...

Jeff:
Not even close.

Britta:
...is in.

Carl Bladt:
I think I've heard enough, and I don't see what choice I have. Greendale Seven—Jeff Winger, Annie Edison, Pierce Hawthorn, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett, Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes—you are hereby expelled from Greendale Community College. May god have mercy on your souls.

Troy:
[about Abed] Since we got expelled, he's been creepy weird like present day Robin Williams.

Jeff:
What do you mean Greendale doesn't exist?

Dr. Heidi:
Well, there is a place called Greendale and you all spent three years there, but it was not a community college. These memories that you people have been sharing are a shared psychosis. You were patients there together, you were released together, and I'm alarmed to see that you are now relapsing together.

Dean:
[as a doctor in the "Greendale Asylum"] That's sad. Should we increase their lithium?

Garrett:
[with Dan Harmon's voice] Not yet. I want to see what happens if we confiscate one of their pens.

Troy:
There is another way in. If I enroll in the AC school, they'll help us. We could walk in and out. It'll mean I'll have to move out and into a.c. school housing, and I won't be able to hang out with you guys anymore, or have a relationship, or use the word sensational for some reason.

Britta:
Troy, we are not losing you to save the dean, or Greendale, or anything, ever.

Jeff:
Don't be so dramatic, Troy. The answer is simple. We just have to plan an elaborate heist.

Britta:
Yes!

Pierce:
Great, I'll get my turban.

Jeff:
Everyone except Pierce has to plan an elaborate heist.

Pierce:
A. That is racist. B. Swamis can't drive, they're Indians.