Entourage, Season 2

[Ari has Vince and 'E' in his office; he's about to tell them about a new movie project.]

Ari:
You're ready?

Eric:
Let's go Ari. We're ready, c'mon!

Ari:
[points to Eric] This kid's got no patience. You know, in some countries they cut off your little elfin feet for disrupting the master's flow.

Eric:
I'll shove my elfin foot up in your ass!

Ari:
You missed me, didn't you?

Vince:
Ari! C'mon!

Ari:
All right! You're ready? AAAQUAMAN!

Vince:
Aquaman?

Ari:
Aquaman, baby!! It is Spiderman... underwater. Boooom!

[Eric and Ari argue over Vince's choice of playing the lead role in Medellin and find out the top prospect for the lead.]

Eric:
Tom Cruise is going to play Pablo Escobar? C'mon, the guy's not even Hispanic.

Ari:
Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick. That's what actors do. They pretend.

Eric:
All right, I got it. So what if Cruise passes?

Ari:
Then they go to Brad Pitt. He passes, they go to Keanu Reeves, and on down the list.

Eric:
Where is Vince on that list?

Ari:
He ain't on the list.

Eric:
Well, how do we get him on the list?

Ari:
You do Aquaman, you stupid f***!

Drama:
Let me get this straight. She convinces you to get these extravagant accommodations and then she bails?

Eric:
She didn't bail, she got sick. Before the date, unlike your girls, that get sick when they arrive.

Eric [to Vince]:
Forget that girl. The only reason she was with me was 'cause I'm your manager.

Turtle:
So? Do you know how much pussy I got in this town that I didn't deserve?

Drama:
All of it?

[Vince, E, and Ari talk about Aquaman with Warners boss Alan Gray]

Alan Gray:
Remember, this is the studio that did Batman, not The Phantom.

Vince:
What are we talking about, Burton's Batman or Schumacher's?

[Mrs Ari has caught Ari trying to slip away from the house]

Mrs Ari:
Where are you going, Ari?

Ari Gold:
I have a meeting.

Mrs Ari:
At the Playboy Mansion? [looks at pajamas sticking out of Ari's slacks]

Ari:
Playboy Mansion, strip clubs, whorehouses, I go where the meetings are. It's my f***ing job.

Mrs Ari:
I want three weeks in the south of France with the children.

Ari:
Oh my God baby, [kisses her] of course you can go.

Mrs Ari:
With you. And if you're not home by 2AM, I'm gonna be standing at the gate screaming "Ari Gold, super agent, forgot his Viagra."

Ari:
[contemplates threat] Sounds good.

[The gang talks about remodelling Vince's newly-bought house]

Drama:
I think we should turn the pool to face south. Very feng shui.

Shauna:
Just let the f***ing professionals handle it, Drama.

Ari Gold:
[answering "emergency" phone call from Eric during a marriage counseling session] There better be a SCUD missile headed towards Beverly Hills, Eric.

Eric:
No, it's a f***ing iceberg, Ari.

Ari Gold:
What?

Eric:
James Cameron's directing Aquaman.

Ari Gold:
F*** you. Where'd you hear that, Friendster?

Eric:
No, I heard it from Josh Weinstein, jerkoff. Now, why don't you get your hand off your dick and go call somebody.

Ari:
[talking to Lloyd over the phone] I don't care if he's in the Arctic shelf. Get James Cameron on the phone, get Dana Gordon on the phone, tell her assistant that if she does not call me back, I'll f*** her worse than I did in Cabo in '92.

Lloyd:
Do you really want me to say that?

Ari:
Improvise, Lloyd. I'll there in 90 seconds, find out who covers Warners. If all of this is not taken care of, I'll choke you out with a strap-on!

[The doorbell rings at Vince's new house]

E:
Who is it?

Man:
Delivery. [E opens door to reveal Bob Saget] Hey, welcome to the neighborhood.

E:
Bob Saget.

Saget:
[sees Vince pass by and gives goods to E] Hey there, Aquaman himself. Been reading about you all morning. [shakes hands with Vince] I live right next door Vin. I'm a big fan. So are my daughters, but do me a favor: don't f*** 'em. Don't you ever f*** my daughters.

Ari:
Sounds like you might too. But I'll tell you what, Domino's is hiring. Why don't you put that little pizza sign on top of your Maserati. Now that, is comedy.

Eric:
Yeah, and getting dragged through your office, in front of your entire staff by a guy half your size, Now, that's tragedy [hangs up phone]

Ari:
Chang Chung is the hottest director in Hong Kong. Tarantino has already decided he's the next guy he wants to steal from.

Vince:
Cool. Guy must be good. Tarantino only steals from the best.

Ari:
That's right, baby.

[At an X-Box Fight Night tournament, Turtle submits his fake urine sample for drug testing.]

Turtle:
Where do I take the test?

Attendant:
The what?

Turtle:
The drug test. I jacked two bottles of water in the car for this, so can we just get over with this please?

Attendant:
This is X-Box, loser, not the Olympics. We don't get drug tests. If we do, we'd be out of business, idiot. [gang heckles Turtle]

Drama:
Sucker!

E:
Nice, Turtle.

Turtle:
[laughs and holds sample] What the f*** do I do with this now!!?

Vince:
Drink it.

[Just before the Queens Boulevard premiere, Vince and E see Turtle and Drama try ignore each other]

Turtle:
Come on Drama, what are you thinking, bro?

Drama:
[brushes off Turtle] Don't talk to me, Turtle. I can't hear you, I can't see you, I don't even wanna know you.

Turtle:
You're yelling, alright?

E:
What's your problem, Drama?

Turtle:
Me and Drama had a little incident.

E:
What kind of incident?

Drama:
Don't f***ing say it, man.

Vince:
No no, say it.

Turtle:
[long pause] We accidentally crossed swords.

E:
Eww, really?

Vince:
Really? [laughs] Were there any women in there, at least?

Turtle:
Yeah, dick, it was a threesome. It's no biggie, crossing is an occupational hazard.

[Vince receives a call from Ari]

Vince:
Oww, what's up?

Ari:
Vinnie, say hello to James Cameron.

James Cameron:
Call me Jim, Vince.

Vince:
Okay, Jim. What's happening?

Cameron:
I could only stay for a bit of the film, but I gotta tell ya, it was all I needed to see. How'd you like to come play Aquaman for me?

Vince:
Ahh, sure. I could do that for you.

Cameron:
Fantastic. Let's get together next week and talk about it.

Vince:
Okay!

Cameron:
See you then, looking forward to it.

Vince:
Talk to you later, bye. [to gang, giving phone back to E] Cameron just offered me Aquaman.

Vince:
Any big news stories today, E?

Eric:
What do you mean?

Vince:
Mandy's really smart. She was always testing me on what was going on in the world.

[Everyone is silent.]

Turtle:
I heard Pamela Anderson dropped another tit size.

Drama:
This is kind of embarrassing, but sometimes I wake up in the morning fully tented. Any advice?

Dr. Joyce Brothers:
Well, at your age, consider yourself lucky.

Drama:
How f***ing old do you think I am?

[Turtle frets over seeing Ari give Drama Clippers tickets instead of U2 concert tickets for his birthday]

Turtle:
Jesus Christ, Ari Gold, you just got demoted to Silver.

[At the San Diego Comic Con, E and Turtle has failed to convince RJ Spencer to drop his plans to slam Vince over his website]

Jesse Jane:
[seeing Spencer walk away upon being threatened by Turtle] What the f*** is his problem?

E:
He hates Vince. He's gonna trash him on his website, saying he's gonna make a shitty Aquaman.

Jane:
Why? Vince would make an adorable Aquaman.

E:
You should tell him that.

Turtle:
Yeah sweetie, you should. If Aquaman is in trouble, and the fate of the land and all mankind is in his hands, he should unleash the power of the pussy.

Jane:
Don't bullshit me, tough guy. If I do it, I'll do it because I like Vince.

[Ari confronts Terrence McQuewick over his attempt to get Vince as a client.]

Ari:
Vince is my client. I took him from nothing, alright, and now he is on the cusp. I ain't sharing him.

Terrence:
You know when I started this company in 1971, my mantra was, "Every client should be represented by every agent in the building." And yes alright, technically, he is your client, but this is my agency.

Ari:
And I'm a f***ing partner.

Terrence:
I've had more than a few partners. Not all of them have lasted. Enjoy your evening. [leaves]

[Drama tries to talk two kids out of asking for a cigarette lighter]

Drama:
One day you're lighting up in front of a dozen adults at a Bat Mitzvah, the next you're cruisin' Santa Monica Boulevard offering handjobs for a crack rock.

Kid:
Which one of you did that? [Drama looks guilty.]

Drama:
I remember I broke up with Stacy Laruzzo a week before Valentine's Day. I got back with her a week after. No chocolates, no roses...

Eric:
No class.

Vince:
[talking about picking up where he and Mandy Moore left off] We look at it like we've been dating for five years with a four and a half-year break.

[The gang just got back the Maserati]

Drama:
I'm telling you, once your car's been stolen, it never runs the same again. It's like a guy sleeping with your girl. He leaves his mark all over her.

[Vince is not happy with a supposed revelation from James Cameron about being replaced in Aquaman because of co-star Mandy Moore]

Vince:
He didn't call?

Ari:
No, he did not call.

Eric:
Jesus Christ!

Vince:
[to Ari] No, you're f***ing pathological.

Ari:
Listen. Read Jack Welch, Tony Robbins, Phil Jackson. Motivation! This shit works! You want to be Shaq or Kobe? Michael or Scotty? Damon or Affleck?

Eric:
[angrily] Ari, do you want to be out of our lives, man, 'cause this could seriously be the end of you.

Ari:
I am your biggest fan, I think you are this close to being the biggest movie star on the planet but you are slipping...over a girl? I've never seen you like this before and it worries me.

Eric:
Well, worry about yourself, he's fine.

Vince:
No, E...he's right to worry about me, I mean you both are, f***! I'm worried about me. I mean, look at me, I've been lying to you guys like a f***in' drug addict. I didn't oversleep, I didn't want to go, I never want to leave her side, not for five seconds. I've never been like this in my life, guys. And the truth of the matter is, I don't give a f*** about the movie anymore. I could live with Mandy in a one-bedroom in Chatsworth and I'd be happy. I mean it's nuts, but it's the truth.

Ari:
Vinny...

Vince:
Ari, there's nothing more to say, I'm sorry I lied. [leaves with E]

[Having been unmasked over the Tsetse Fly Elite Eight plan, Ari is publicly humiliated by Terrance]

Terrance McQuewick:
[claps] People! We have a traitor in our midst. Let this be a lesson to all of you.

Ari:
You're making a very big mistake, Terrance.

Terrance:
Oh, that's what Arthur Jensen said in 1973. He was the first conspirator that I ever dealt with. Try finding him now, Ari. He's now selling auto insurance in Reseda.

Ari:
Okay people, most of you are sitting there and you're looking at this good-looking old man thinking "Who the f*** is he?" And you know what, that's exactly what you should be doing. You will all know who's been running this company for the past eight years, and you all know, when I go, in no time, you will be repping nobodies like Bill from The Apprentice. No one needs to make a decision right now. I will be starting my own agency. Two very important goals will apply: to make everyone who is in at the ground floor rich, and to burn this motherf***ing place to the ground! Lloyd, are you with me? [Lloyd remains silent. Ari approaches him] Lloyd, what are you doing? You and me we have a special bond. Come on, let's go.

Lloyd:
Ari, swear to me that you will never again say anything offensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation.

Ari:
I can't swear to that, but I promise I will always apologize after.

Turtle:
He cries in front of her, shows her he's sensitive... bang! He moves right in.

Drama:
Yeah. His tears will basically act as a lubricant.

[Lloyd notices Ari's angry face after leaving Vince's Malibu house]

Lloyd:
How'd it go?

Ari:
How'd the f***ing Bay of Pigs go, Lloyd?

[Drama finally confronts Adam Davies over why he is avoiding his calls.]

Drama:
Are you my agent or not?

Davies:
You were a family deal, Johnny. If Vince isn't a client, I'm afraid you're not a client.

Pauly Shore:
[laughs] Karma is a bitch! [referring to how Drama got him banned from the Playboy Mansion. Drama tries to punch Davies but Turtle holds him back] We're in a f***ing meeting, man.

Drama:
You promised me something I would steal. [gets Davies' office TV]

Shore:
Taking his TV, what're you a f***ing Surreal Life cast member, you freak? [laughs]

Drama:
[to Davies] I'll see you on the outside! [marches out of office]

Shore:
Get a life, loser boy!