The Mindy Project, Season 1

Mindy:
So, you delivered my patient.

Danny:
You're welcome. May I say, you look great.

Mindy:
Sorry Danny. I didn't have time to get dolled up for you. 'Cause I was kinda busy freeing myself from wrongful imprisonment.

Danny:
Wrongful, my God, do you think they'll ever catch the real drunk girl that fell into the pool.

Mindy:
Hilarious. But I guess it's not hilarious when you get arrested for assault at a Bruce Springsteen concert.

Danny:
First of all, it's a Springsteen show. Not a Bruce Springsteen concert, you sound ignorant. Second of all, you don't show up at a Springsteen show wearing a John Cougar Mellencamp t-shirt unless you want to get punched in the face.

Mindy:
How did I get in the Springsteen/Mellencamp conversation again?

Jeremy:
Leave her alone, Danny. She's had a rough night.

Danny:
Whose fault is that?

Jeremy:
Everyone loses it at weddings, they're designed to exploit our sentimental side.

Mindy:
Thank you. I agree with that.

Jeremy:
I can't recall a wedding where I didn't end up in the arms of some woman I met that night, and not because she was vulnerable, because I was.

Danny:
You know, I used to think that sex addiction was made up by male celebrities, but now I think it's real.

Jeremy:
That's not cool. Yes. Yeah, I love sex. I do it a lot, I do it well, but I'm not addicted to it. I'm addicted to attention.

Mindy:
That is so interesting.

Danny:
Listen, I'm all for lonely people making connections, but this is the doctors lounge, not the wooded area behind the highway rest stop, all right? I mean really, guys! I hate that I can't read the newspaper in here anymore.

Jeremy:
Yeah, we get it, Danny. You read the newspaper, you're so much smarter than us.

Mindy:
We get it, Danny, you're so much smarter than us.

Danny:
I am though, I'm smarter than you.

Mindy:
Hey, you two. Quick question. Do you care about my career and want me to succeed?

Betsy:
More than anything in the world.

Mindy:
Okay, well if that is the case, why are you sending me non-English speaking, pregnant, immigrants with no health insurance, with literally burkahs and stuff?

Shuana:
I thought she might be rich with oil money.

Mindy:
Well, she wasn't. She was poor with nothing money.

Shuana:
Well, why wouldn't you just tell her no?

Mindy:
Because I am not good at saying no. Okay? One time I left a flea market with a samurai sword. I just need a different kind of patient.

Betsy:
More white patients, done. [starts writing it down]

Mindy:
Well don't write that. [whispers] But yes.

Danny:
[watching When Harry Met Sally] Who would actually do that? Billy, don't run! Just- It's New Years, just go out and get laid, man.

Mindy:
Danny, honestly, what is your problem?

Danny:
What's my problem? What's his problem? I'd be pissed off if I was Meg Ryan and some guy interrupted my New Years Eve like that. I'd be like, "Hey man, I'm just trying to party with my friends and kiss some strangers at midnight. Leave me alone. What are you doing here?"

Mindy:
Never speak for Meg Ryan again!

Danny:
I'm assuming your date was cancelled.

Mindy:
Maybe I won't get married, you know? Maybe I'll do one of those Eat, Pray, Love things. Ugh, no I don't want to pray. Forget it, I'll just die alone.

Danny:
So who's the guy?

Mindy:
He was perfect, Danny. He was handsome, he had a job, he was exactly seven inches taller than me, which you know is very important to me.

Danny:
Was he a man?

Mindy:
What do you mean? Yeah, of course he was a man.

Danny:
No, I mean, like, was he a MAN?

Mindy:
Danny, don't just repeat it and expect me to understand what you're saying.

Danny:
Was this the kinda guy who, if he heard glass breaking in the middle of the night, is he gonna jump out of bed, and say "stay here," and look through the house naked with a baseball bat, or is he gonna hide under the covers with you?

Mindy:
I don't know, that's a good question.

Danny:
Is this the kinda guy who is gonna get grossed out when you give birth, or is her gonna dry your forehead and tell you you look beautiful while all of that disgusting stuff is coming out of you.

Mindy:
I couldn't glean that from this one date we had.

Danny:
Is this the kinda guy that's not afraid to get into a fistfight at a Springsteen show because someone really disrespects him? And he'll just put it out...

Mindy:
Okay, okay.

Danny:
And he'll take 'em down right there, right now?

Mindy:
You're just talking about yourself.

Mindy:
[narrating] Like anyone who goes to the bookstore, I wasn't there to buy books. I do that on the internet at, like, 50% off and free shipping and no tax. [out loud] Oh, my God, $28.95 for a book? [narrating] But luckily, this time, I made an exception, because if there's one thing that I can never resist, it's a good tote bag. [to guy in bookstore] Hey, are you gonna buy that book?

Matt:
I was thinking about it.

Mindy:
I'm only asking because I have two books and you have one. So, if we combine them, I could get a tote bag.

Matt:
But why wouldn't I get the free tote bag?

Mindy:
'Cause you're a guy. What do you need a tote bag for?

Matt:
I can store all my tote bags I don't use in it.

Matt:
[on which tote bag to get] Shall we go with Shakespeare?

Mindy:
No. no. I don't support Shakespeare. I heard a story that he didn't write any of his plays. He made his butler write them, and then he took all the credit.

Matt:
So you're saying the butler did it?

Danny:
What a nightmare. Four different stops just to ask you out? I mean, how much time does this guy have on his hands? Sounds like a bum.

Mindy:
Uh, that's rude. And it's not true.

Danny:
Why?

Mindy:
Because he does have a job. Guys, he's an architect. [Betsy and Shauna gasp]

Danny:
Ugh. An architect? I mean, come on. No one's really an architect. I mean, that's a job that guys have in the movies.

Mindy:
Well, call me Reese Witherspoon, 'cause I'm going on a date with an architect tonight.

Danny:
I can't believe you're tattling. She's tattling.

Mindy:
Uh, tattling is when a little girl does it. When a hot woman does it, it's called "whistle-blowing."

Danny:
Mrs. Hutton, what is your feeling about birthday celebrations in the office?

Hutton:
Well, when you get to be my age, young man, you really start to appreciate them.

Danny:
See, I disagree with that.

Mindy:
You disagree with her feeling?

Danny:
A birthday's not an achievement. Everyone has a birthday- Serial killers, rapists.

Mindy:
I'm sorry. So she likes her birthday and now she's a serial killer?

Danny:
That's just the way the calendar works. If a guy didn't have a birthday, now, that would be interesting.

Mindy:
I'm sorry, Danny, she's a million years old. Let her enjoy her birthday.

Mindy:
I hate when people say "old school" when they all they mean is inefficient and rude. Like "oh, how charming, that mean old waiter told me to put away my cell phone at dinner." That's why I only eat at chains.

Danny:
What do you mean, you have a sex tape of me?

Jeremy:
So you found the tape of me?

Mindy:
Well, well, well. Looks like you guys do check your emails. You are busted! I sent you an email late Saturday night with a subject heading, "answer A.S.A.P." Didn't hear from either of you.

Shauna:
[on the phone] Hey, Carlo, it's Shauna. I need to add a plus one at the club on Friday night. It's my boss, sort of a make-a-wish thing. Ciao. [hangs up]

Morgan:
Shauna, are you going to a club with Dr. L?

Shuana:
Oh, you can't come, Morgan.

Morgan:
Look, you need me to come. I have these amazing pills.

Shuana:
Oh, God.

Morgan:
Hold on. If you put one in your drink, it counteracts the effect of a roofie. The only problem is, if you're not already roofied, the pills have very roofie-like side effects.

Danny:
So basically, your pill's a roofie.

Morgan:
No! Why does everyone say that? It roofies the roofie.

Betsy:
[Looks through costume box] A condom, a butt, a tampon, Ace Ventura, sperms.

Mindy:
[whispering to herself while being weighed by Danny] You're not Mindy, you're a warrior, and your warrior name is... [breathes deeply] Beyoncé Pad Thai.

Shauna:
[to Jeremy] No offense, but that excuse stinks. I told them you were helping a little black kid.

Gwen:
I did not set them up! They met at our "Doors of Greenwich, Connecticut Tour", which if memory serves, you referred to as "Honkey-Palooza."

Mindy:
That is... hilarious. But I don't think that I said that.

Gwen:
Your date with Dennis did not go well, you said so yourself.

Mindy:
Gwen, I am my own worst credit, you know that. Remember that time I went to karaoke and everyone was like "Mindy, you are like a really good singer, you should do this professionally" and I was like "No, I'm a doctor!"?

Mindy:
I'm having lunch with him at one.

Sophia:
Fine, I'll be there.

Mindy:
You have class.

Sophia:
Yeah, "The History of Dubstep."

Alex:
Mindy, you need to move to Europe. Let me put it this way: Do you like good food?

Mindy:
Mm-hmm.

Alex:
Do you like art?

Mindy:
Yep.

Alex:
Do you like uncircumcised penises?

Mindy:
Hey.

Gwen:
Hey! Excuse me. Hello. We're in a restaurant.

Alex:
I mean, they're everywhere.

Mindy:
Here's the thing I'm worried about: I get there, no one speaks English, my hair dryer doesn't work, someone tries to pin a drug thing on me.

Mindy:
Shouldn't you be back in school? Oh my god, did my tuition check bounce? Sometimes they don't take those Hunger Games checks seriously, but I get such good Mockingjay points.

Mindy:
[To Betsy and Shauna, about her brother Rishi] Guys, I may have the curves, but he ruins the curves... Did you guys understand... what I meant by that?

Mindy:
George has always been so nice to us. Remember when his wife died? He gave me all her old bras.

Jeremy:
The key, Mindy, is to find a man who you are attracted to but don't respect and can't see a future with.

Mindy:
Draco Malfoy.

Jeremy:
Someone not fictitious.

Danny:
How many best friends from college do you have?

Mindy:
Best friend isn't a person Danny, it's a tier.

Morgan:
One time to get a girl back, I drove a motorcycle through a flaming hoop.

Betsy:
Who wouldn't marry a guy who has his own flaming hoop?

Morgan:
[as if she's dumb] No, I borrowed the hoop, from my friend.

Danny:
What about the ads in the diner placemats?

Mindy:
They shut that place down for human trafficking.

Danny:
Ugh.

Mindy:
I know, so sad. I loved their pork chops.

Betsy:
Now I'll have two famous signatures for my autograph book. You and... [proudly] mayor David Dinkins.

Mindy:
We hooked up once... And then a couple more times. But then only once.

Danny:
Ok, you guys are sneaking around behind my back! You with an enemy of the practice! What do you do? Do you make fun of my piano playing?

Mindy:
Why would that come up?

Danny:
It comes up!

Mindy:
I like your piano playing.

Danny:
Oh come on Mindy, please! My piano playing sucks!

Casey:
Why are you going to Hell?

Mindy:
I love gossip and I don't really care about the environment.

Danny:
[to Morgan] You're fired.

Mindy:
What?!

Morgan:
No. I did something unthinkable.

Danny:
He did.

Morgan:
Gotta pay the ultimate price. One week suspension with pay.

Mindy:
Danny has been such a workout nazi.

Casey:
Why does everybody always say "nazi" when they're trying to describe someone who's just passionately pursuing a goal?

Casey:
[wanting Mindy to become a Christian] I mean, don't you wanna spend eternity in heaven together, just strumming harps and playing doubles tennis with Abe Lincoln and Tupac?

Mindy:
I am terrified for my life. It's like Sons of Anarchy out here. And none of the young, hot characters, just like the old ones.

Mindy:
Yeah, I get it. Haitians need help after their tsunami.

Katie:
Earthquake.

Mindy:
Ok... please... do not tell anyone I said that.

Morgan:
Shulman and Associates is not like a family. I was the only one who came to Betsy's Easter egg hunt.

Morgan:
What about when you're kidnapped? You would never make it as a sex slave. You're too ticklish. [tickles Mindy]

Mindy:
Hehehe [whacks Morgan with purse] stop it! I would be a fantastic sex slave.

Mindy:
I have my Haiti survival kit right here.

Casey:
That looks like a bunch of shampoo

Mindy:
I mean there's other hair stuff, too.