Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Aqua Something You Know Whatever (season 9)

Carl:
'The hell are you doing?

Frylock:
Oh, hey Carl. We're making a Soap Box Derby car. This is my new best bud, Gerald. Say hey, Gerald.

Gerald:
What's up?

Carl:
It looks, uh, a little like 2Wycked.

Frylock:
Yeah man, that's the inspiration.

[Pause]

Carl:
Well, 2Wycked is copyrighted.

Frylock:
Well, I mean, can we...

Carl:
No, you can't. It's a one-of-a-kind original. I can't have you and, uh...ah, what's-his-nuts?

Frylock:
It's Gerald.

Carl:
Whatever his name is, cheapening it with a knock-off.

Frylock:
Carl, look, this is my little brother in the Big Brother Program, okay? I want to show him that not all men in this world are abusive.

Carl:
I'm just saying, that if you continue ripping off my idea, my unique graphics, someone's face is gonna get ripped off. And that ain't a threat, that's a Carl guarantee.

Frylock:
Carl, he's nine.

Carl:
When I was nine, I already had hair on my buttocks, back, and underarm like an animal in the zoo. Life sucks, my friend, 'cause guess what: [Carl flips over the soapbox car, destroying it] Boom! That just happened.

Carl:
Oh, come on, Gerald! Get your head out of your ass! This is what I give for your hustle right now!

Frylock:
Carl, please!

Carl:
KICK THAT BALL OR I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!

Frylock:
Chill out, man.

Carl:
She's gone. Awesome. [Carl laughs] Wait a minute.

Carl:
You sing any Sabbath?

Meatwad:
Mmm...mostly originals

Carl:
How 'bout Dio, God rest his soul

Meatwad:
I don't know. We might throw in a cover, you never know.

Carl:
How 'bout "One"? That song where the guy came back from the war and he's just an eyeball.

Meatwad:
I am super nervous

Frylock:
C'mon Meatwad, as long as I've known you this has been your dream, man!

Meatwad:
I can't be pursuing every dream. I mean, last night I had a dream where I was swimming with Joey Fatone of NSYNC and then he turned into a corn dog and my teeth fell out. How am I supposed to achieve that?

Frylock:
Look, I told you, this was just a quick trip to bring him back home; you barely need to be here. And you definitely don't need your guitar.

Master Shake:
I brought all of them. You know, in case I want to export some different sounds. Did you think about that? And while you're thinkin', why don't you snag my effects pedals and the acoustics and I'll meet you in the cab

Frylock:
I'll see you at the hotel

Master Shake:
Wait! I have no money!

[At the end of the episode, Shake finds that he is sued for copyright infringement of his song, Bruschetta Nights (parody of "Big City Nights" by The Scorpions) and is to appear at court. He appears wearing an homage to The Scorpions' "Blackout" album and Meatwad is in the time out corner being grounded]

Meatwad:
Hey, can I come out of the quiet corner yet?

Frylock:
Yeah, I guess so. We need to take this jackass to court. Oh, you're not wearing that.

Shake:
Forks, yes! We'll see who has the last "sting" in court, Scorpions!

Carl:
This shirt, it's new

Master Shake:
Whoa!

Carl:
Pretty awesome, ain't it?

Master Shake:
Now that is cool

Carl:
It's the balls

Master Shake:
[Reads the shirt] "The Interplanetary Insanitarium." Is that, like, a band or a road show, or...?

Carl:
Maybe, I dunno. It is a cool shirt though

Master Shake:
But it's still just a shirt. What else?

Carl:
Nah, I mean, r-really look at this badass shirt.

[A long pause]

Carl:
Wouldn't it be cool to be in that world, huh?

Master Shake:
Yeah, I don't wear shirts. Can't really find anything in my size. Big and round, wide collar, no shoulders...

Carl:
Smithed from iron ore. Crafted from liquid magma by one of the three demons. Satan's slaves. In the mine of a volcano.

Master Shake:
Volcanoes have minds?!

Carl:
Some do, yeah

Master Shake:
I had no idea volcanoes were self aware

Carl:
This one was. Look, uh, don't interrupt. I'm losin' momentum here.

Master Shake:
Okay

Carl:
Anyway, demon one, his name was...uh, Uno. And his brothers was named Yahtzee and Boggle. They was selected to guard this shirt with their lives, from me.

Master Shake:
You were alive...back then?

Carl:
I was. Yes, I was

Master Shake:
I thought you were, like, in your forties

Carl:
Forty thousand......million

Master Shake:
Damn son

Carl:
Look, let's go with this. No-no interruptions, please

Master Shake:
Right on, man

Carl:
You know at that time, th-there wasn't no such thing as a shirt, you know. We barely had enough mammoth fur to cover our junk, but we liked it that way. 'Cause it allowed me to showcase my lads n' my traps. And plus, the women, I mean, seriously. It's like they're all strippers.

Master Shake:
Strippers everywhere?

Carl:
Yeah. And plus, uh, dragons too

Master Shake:
Dragon strippers? Holy smokes!

Carl:
I know, right? I saw that shirt. I say, "I want that!" I rode up the volcano on my, uh...you know, mythical...it was, uh...you know wh-

Master Shake:
One-eyed Wonder Worm!

Carl:
That-yeah, that's what I was riding

Master Shake:
I've heard you talk about it before!

Carl:
So Yahtzee looks up and he comes at me with a bass solo. Oh man, shouldn't-a done that, 'cause I ripped the ax from his clawed fingers and I swiftly beheaded him. All this, and I still continued to bass solo! From, uh...is it, like a Geddy Lee deep cut. Moving Pictures, maybe it was YYZ, I don't know. I didn't miss a note, I know that. Boggle looks up at me from his drum kit and he goes, "You don't kill my brother". He says something cooler than that; that was the gist of it. Yeah, he regretted the day I come to the Interplanetary Insanitarium. So then Uno sees this, right? And he aims all his amps at me and he tries to bring the thunder. But I got earplugs in, and it ain't no match for me. I got my junk ready, full-on, in chub mode, and reflects the thunder back at him. And it explodes his face and it melts it off. So I wore this shirt and I ruled the Interplanetary Insanitarium for a thousand years like a god. My name: The Gorn Lord.

Master Shake:
So this is you on this shirt

Carl:
I lost a little up top since then. My point is a thousand years have passed. And I must pass this shirt down to a new warrior king. A new Gorn Lord who will rule the kingdom of Hair Metal Mountain, as a Mighty God...of Rock!

Boggle:
Who dares step foot on Metal Mountain?

Yahtzee:
IN THE INTERPLANETARY INSANITARIUUUUM!

Master Shake:
It is I, the Gorn Lord Shake

[Pause]

Uno:
Wow. That's an ugly shirt

Master Shake:
The shirt chose me...to rule over you...as a god...as it had chose Carl before me

Boggle:
Carl bought that outside a gas station on the turnpike along with a set of Molly Hatchet mudflaps

Yahtzee:
MUDFLAAAAAAPS!

Master Shake:
But he doesn't drive a truck

Uno:
Yeah, he framed them and, uh, put them on his rec room wall

Yahtzee:
REC ROOOOOOOOM!

Master Shake:
Now, wait, are you saying that there's more than one of these shirts?

Uno:
No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying there's about 18 more of those shirts, hanging on the rack at the gas station.

Master Shake:
So...there are 18 more Gorn Lords I must defeat

Uno:
No, just shirts. Uh, I think they're giving them away free with a fill-up.

Meatwad:
What's Jet Chicken like in private moments?

Rocket Horse:
You really wanna know?

Meatwad:
Yeah, you know I do! I'm a huge fan, man!

Rocket Horse:
Well, uh...he's kinda paranoid, he has an unhealthy obsession with food, he gets angry at the drop of a hat and starts suing everyone in sight. But, you know, for the most part he's a...... fat, lazy, piece of shit.

Meatwad:
Dang.

Rocket Horse:
Hey, there he is, Jet Chicken. Oh, so glad you're back, man!

Jet Chicken:
If you expect me to sign autographs all afternoon in the hot sun, then I expect toilet tissues and scented candles in my private toilet area!

Rocket Horse:
[laughs sarcastically] That's really funny, Jet Chicken. But, uh, hey, we got a fan here.

Jet Chicken:
Want my autograph?

Meatwad:
Yeah, absolutely! Can you make it out to, "My biggest fan, Meatwad"?

Jet Chicken:
...Oh, I'd love to, but we're only paid to sign until 4:00, and IT'S ALREADY 4:08 JERRY! Fucking Jerry.

Rocket Horse:
Whoa whoa whoa...

Jet Chicken:
Where's that piece of shit?!

Rocket Horse:
...*chuckles* calm down now. He said he had to go to the bank.

Jet Chicken:
Fucker's spending his days at the bank, you and I are out here signing autographs at a parking lot that's HOTTER THAN THE SURFACE OF THE FUCKING SUN!

Rocket Horse:
Hey, ya mind helping me pack up the inflatable, here.

Meatwad:
I'll help

Rocket Horse:
No, him. I want it to be him, all right? I gotta do this myself EVERY GODDAMN TIME!

Jet Chicken:
Rocket Horse, I will help as soon as I get out of the bathroom.

Rocket Horse:
You just WENT to the bathroom.

Jet Chicken:
I know, but I think all those soda refills really did a number on that gyro. Why do you think I picked up the chili dog on the way home? *grunt, splashing is then heard* Had to throw most of it out. Greek Special, my ass.

Rocket Horse:
Yeah, try "chili 'DOGSeseses". FIVE of them. Plus onion rings.

Jet Chicken:
*still in the bathroom* Ooh! Fan! Fan! Come to me at once!

Meatwad:
Whatcha need Jet Chicken? You want me to gobble for justice? *makes gobbling noises*

Jet Chicken:
...No, I-I don't know what that is. Listen, I need a wet vac in here. *brown toilet water spills out of the bathroom* This... this thing's overflowing.

Rocket Horse:
There's no wet vac out here. All right? Jerry didn't provide one.

Jet Chicken:
Fucking Jerry. Of course he didn't provide one! Fan!

Meatwad:
I'm here.

Jet Chicken:
I've got a job for you when I get out of here.

Meatwad:
Okey dokey, just tell me when.

Jet Chicken:
...Actually, come on in here. I need help getting out of here. That's all I need to do is slip on one of these things and break my elbow again.

[Meatwad rings a doorbell. There is no answer]

Jet Chicken:
Ring it again.

Meatwad:
*rings it three times* ...I don't think no one's home.

Jet Chicken:
He's home. His Jeep's here. Ring it again.

Meatwad:
*rings again* ...Maybe he's asleep.

Jet Chicken:
How would you know?! Are you in there?!

Rocket Horse:
Ah, c'mon, lay off Jet. He's doing you a favor.

Jet Chicken:
Look, if he sees me on his lawn waving a gun around, he's gonna pretend not to be home.

Meatwad:
...M-maybe you oughtta hide better over there behind the bushes.

Jet Chicken:
Oh, good idea, Fan. And maybe I oughtta pull out Ultra Beak and show you how it works. One peck to the brain, it's over!

[Jet Chicken fires his gun in the air, setting off the house's security alarm]

Rocket Horse:
Okay. Great. Now he knows we're out here.

Jet Chicken:
Rocket Horse, kick the door in!

Rocket Horse:
YOU kick the door in!

Jet Chicken:
*farts* Oh god. Did someone see a bathroom around here? *notices the nearby Jeep* Ah, sunroof. *climbs on top of it* Well, looky looky looky. *starts defecating in it* Ahhh... Mr. Fancy, with your big house in the suburbs!

Meatwad:
...Is this, like, the headquarters of some supervillain or something?

Jet Chicken:
[still crapping; it seems to stop for a moment, but then...] Ooh. No, wait a minute. Nope, not quite done yet. [he craps even harder]

Rocket Horse:
It's the doctor who fouled up his gastric bypass.

Jet Chicken:
Go ahead, tell 'im how the damn thing leaks every time I eat.

Rocket Horse:
It's...it's not. This is what happens when you don't exercise and you order queso with everything.

Jet Chicken:
NUH UH!

Jet Chicken:
Did you bring paper?

Meatwad:
Got the receipt from dinner, but I kinda need that 'cause you guys said you'd reimburse me...

Jet Chicken:
*wipes himself with it and throws it to the ground* Ooh, thanks buddy.

Meatwad:
Ah man.

Doctor:
Listen, man, I'm sorry you feel like I botched your operation, but the judge and the jury both agreed that I was drunk, and you pulled a gun on me and made me perform surgery on you because you didn't want to pay full price.

[Nuclear explosions are going off all over Earth]

Ignignokt:
Look Err, Earth is remaking "The Granite Family".

Err:
The FUCKING WHAT?!

Ignignokt:
It's a timeless classic, Err. It was made in a land before time.

Err:
Land before time, or the land that time forgot?

Ignignokt:
No, that's The Land of the Lost, you're thinking...

Err:
Oh.

Ignignokt:
With Cha-ka.

Time Warner:
[in a voice similar to Porky Pig] I own time travel. It's muh-eh-my thing and if you use it, I'll t-uh-t-uh-tell you to cease and, eh, d-d-d-desist.

Frylock:
Oh c'mon man, you don't have the market on this. Tons of people have done it. "Time Bandits"...

Time Warner:
Own it!

Frylock:
"Terminator"...

Time Warner:
Own it!

Frylock:
Timecop...

Time Warner:
Own it!

Master Shake:
"Timecop 2: The Berlin Decision"...

Time Warner:
Own it!

Master Shake:
"The Butterfly Effect"...

Time Warner:
Own it!

Frylock:
"Butterfly Effect 2"...

Time Warner:
Own it!

Frylock:
"Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations"...

Time Warner:
Own it!

Master Shake:
"Timescape"...

Time Warner:
Eh-m-eh-Own it!

Frylock:
"Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time"...

Time Warner:
Own it!

Master Shake:
"Hot Tub Time Machine"...

Time Warner:
Own it!

Master Shake:
"Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann"...

Time Warner:
OWN IT!

[Long pause]

Master Shake:
..."Brian's Song."

Time Warner:
Own it!

[Shake's fingers are broken by Dante the bookie]

Carl:
Now's the time where you give him the money.

Master Shake:
I don't know what to say here! I mean... [sniffles] you can't get blood out of a stone!

Carl:
Oh yeah? Show him, Dante.

[Dante proceeds to literally squeeze blood out of a stone]

[Shake is pawning off a lawnmower and a broken TV]

Pawnbroker:
This...is not worth a thousand dollars

Master Shake:
Fine. We'll go with the initial offer of forty. I make my money work for me.

[Looking at betting charts]

Master Shake:
What do all those numbers mean? Is that, like, all the money I can win?

Carl:
Oh yeah, yeah, that's how it works. You like football?

Master Shake:
Oh sure, I love that one. The college guys who wear helmets and protect their brains.

Carl:
He-Hey! We got a football fan over here!

[Meatwad empties his tip jar on the counter]

Master Shake:
What the hell are you doing here? This is my get-rich-quick scheme!

Meatwad:
I'm just here to play the odds, man.

Master Shake:
Well, you're here to meet the Wizard of Odds! And I don't even know what that means, but I know it's gonna... suck! For you!

Master Shake:
Triple or nothin' that Meatwad's eaten by a pack of bees!

Dante:
Yeah. Sure. 100-to-1 odds.

Carl:
Ey, look at that. They'll take the bet.

Master Shake:
That's right. I'm in control here.

[Shake gets beaten up by Dante]

Shake:
It was a fluke! Auuugh, bees lay eggs in him constantly!

Master Shake:
Do you think you can bring those fingers to Frylock to prove that I'm alive?

Carl:
Yeah, sure. Technically, this don't prove nothin' though.

[On top of a bridge]

Master Shake:
Hey, when do I get my new cement sneakers?

Dante:
That's a waste of cement. We don't do that anymore. The water's only a couple of inches deep anyways.

Master Shake:
Oh good, I could have drowned.

[On top of a bridge]

Master Shake:
Finally, the bank shows up. What the hell took you so long?

Meatwad:
Carl, tap his kneecaps.

Master Shake:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! (Carl hits Shake with a baseball bat) What was that about?

Meatwad:
You remember that sword trick I used to do? The one you said that "You're so good at".

Master Shake:
Yeah. Too bad we don't have a sword here, otherwise I'd probably just do it.

Meatwad:
No, I'll bet you can't.

Master Shake:
I'll bet I can.

Meatwad:
(Meatwad farts out sword) Well looky, looky.

Master Shake:
Uh, well, the wind's not right. I mean let's see if the weather calms down in the next couple days.

Meatwad:
No, I think we should do this now. 'Cuz I bet you 140 larges that you can't swallow this.

Master Shake:
Fine, watch. And learn! (Master Shake gagging and groaning as he tries to swallow, and ultimately stabs the sword through the back of his throat, blood pouring out of it as a result) There, you happy?

Meatwad:
Well I'll be damned. Guess you did show me.

Master Shake:
Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. (Master Shake, losing a decent amount of blood, groans and falls) Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!

Bouncer:
Hey, buddy! You need to park whatever that is outside! You're smashing out all our floor lights.

Shake:
How would you like if I deposited this giant, copper foot so far up your fat ass, you'll be tasting pennies for a week?

Paul:
I hope you die with the devil's dick in your mouth in Hell!

Paul:
Well, I-I'm with her, getting ice cream.

Frylock:
Mm-hmm.

Paul:
And my dad is there, and I love my dad, but he's always with us.

Frylock:
Oh, yeah.

Paul:
And it's weird because he shows up, and I never mentioned where we were going to be, but somehow he knew, right?

Frylock:
Okay.

Paul: So then she says, out of nowhere, "I have to go to the car to check the air in the tires." So, I'm like, "okay, that's responsible."

Frylock:
Uh-huh.

Paul:
And then Dad says he has to go to his car to get his shades. And so I'm like, "cool, get back soon 'cause your ice cream's gonna melt."

Frylock:
Go ahead.

Paul:
And like two hours pass, so I'm like, "what gives?" And I go to the parking lot...

Frylock:
Okay.

Paul:
...and they're in my car, and they act all weird when I show up.

Frylock:
Uh-huh.

Paul:
And she puts her shirt on real quick, and she's in his lap, and I'm like, "what's goin' on?!"

Frylock:
Yeah.

Paul: And they're all like, "he's just a friend, and why can't I be friends with your father?" And I'm like, "well, what's his dick doing in your hands?!"

Meatwad:
She's just trying to get your attention. She cares about you, man.

Paul:
I know. I know she does. But they left me there, and they knew I didn't have the money for the ice cream. That's weird, right?

Frylock:
I'm sure her hand slipped, Paul.

Paul:
Hmm, that's what they said. I jus-I always feel like people are lying to me and-and using me...

Frylock:
[to Shake] Hit the booby cannons.

[Shake pulls a lever]

Paul:
What's that?

Frylock:
Oh, nothing.

Paul:
Good, 'cause I-I thought you said, "hit the booby cannons." That would've made me awful mad.

Frylock:
No, no, I didn't say nothing. So what else happened on your little ice cream trip?

Shake:
Wait, wait, hang on, I've got booby cannons charging.

Paul:
Why are you charging up booby cannons?

Shake:
You really wanna know?

Paul:
Why did he say that?

Frylock:
Shake, the man is dealing with a lot of pain right now, okay? So let's not talk about what we're doing.

Shake:
He's gonna be dealing with a lot more pain in about...45 minutes to charge?! Oh, my God!

Frylock:
[as police arrive] Paul, tell me more about your girlfriend.

Paul: She's really hot. She dresses like a slut all the time, especially when my dad's around. And I'm like, "you can wear that to work?" And she's like, "yeah," and I'm like, "okay, well..."

Frylock:
Heh yeah, jealousy can make you crazy, you know? Where we at, Shake?

Shake:
You don't even wanna know. 3%.

Paul:
And then I go to my dad's, and her car's parked there, and it turns out she's not at work at all!

Frylock:
Maybe she quit her job so she and your dad could plan a surprise party for you.

Paul:
Weird. That is exactly what she said.

Frylock:
Where we at, Shake?

Shake:
4%. Wait. No, went back down.

Carl:
This ain't gonna give me, like, crotch cancer or nothing, is it?

Frylock:
No way, dude. Not for at least 30 years. And by then, you'll be dead from cell phone radiation.

Carl:
Yeah, well, you better be right.

[The Buddy Nugget activates and shocks Carl]

Carl:
AAH! So then, this happens and then, uh, broads just come up here on their knees to give me oral?

Frylock:
Well, it's not really for that, you know.

Carl:
: Well then what good is it?

[A car pulls up]

Frylock:
: Oh, Carl, here comes your first buddy now.

Dominic:
Watch out, guy.

Carl:
: Whoa, whoa, whoa chief! How about you watch where you're walking here?

Dominic:
How about you pay attention to where you're standing, asshole?!

Carl:
Hey, last time I checked, I own this puppy, huh?

Dominic:
I walk where I want! What's it to you, butt-nut?!

Carl:
You're the butt-nut!

Dominic:
C'mon, you want a piece of this?!

Carl:
Oh, you want a piece of this?!

Frylock:
Whoa, whoa, whoa easy, guys.

[Carl and Dominic start shoving and arguing]

Frylock:
Hey, hey, hey, no shoving here. It says here that you both like sports. Am I right?

Dominic:
Yeah, I like sports. So what?

Carl:
I like sports, yeah.

Dominic:
My team's the best.

Carl:
I know, right? The Giants.

Dominic:
Giants?! Fucking Jets! J-E-T-S! Jets, Jets, Jets, idiot.

Carl:
: Screw you, you fat ginney!

Dominic:
You want to go?

Carl:
Sorry!

Dominic:
You want to go?

Carl:
Sure, bubba.

[Carl and Dominic shove and argue some more]

Frylock:
See? It works! Kind of.

Dominic:
Make a move. Make a move.

Carl:
You like what I do?! How about when I do this?!

[Another car pulls up]

Carl Look-alike #2:
What do we got, a gang-bang going on over here, you two?

Dominic:
What did you say?

Carl Look-alike #2:
Yeah, I said it, honey.

Dominic:
Come on over here and say that. You step on my friend's lawn, I'm gonna bust your ass!

Carl:
Your car is badass.

Carl Look-alike #2:
Yeah, I know.

Carl:
Too bad you're a pussy.

Carl Look-alike #2:
You want some of this?

Carl:
Yeah, I'll take some.

Carl Look-alike #2:
D'you wanna go?

Carl:
Yeah, I'll take some more.

Dominic:
Who is this guy?

Carl:
Oh, you want some now? What, you getting bored back there?

Dominic:
Make a move, asshole!

Carl:
Is that all you got? 'Cause I just took some of it.

Carl:
I don't see no women here.

Dominic:
Break out the schnitzel 'cuz it's a sausage fest!

Zucotti Manicotti:
You only left a dollar?

Crimson Tightwad:
Well, she was really slow with...the bread

Zucotti Manicotti:
You fiend! Unhand three more dollars!

Crimson Tightwad:
C'mon, three?

Zucotti Manicotti:
She gave you free refills and validated your parking!

Crimson Tightwad:
You're right, Zucotti Manicotti. I was wrong to be a cheapskate.

Zucotti Manicotti:
You've learned a valuable lesson today, Crimson Tightwad. Let's not be cross with each other. It's time to dance!

Meatwad:
I'm sorry Zucotti. I know it ain't part of your manners to shoot somebody in the face. I did what I had to do, you know. And I'm sure you'd respect that if I didn't blow your brains out on the carpet

Master Shake:
Meatwad, sometimes heroes have to die. Just like Spartacus and Krull and The Beastmaster. Even E.T.

Meatwad:
E.T. phoned home. He-he didn't die

Master Shake:
After the credits, he died immediately

Meatwad:
No! Not E.T.!

Master Shake:
Oh yeah. When his people picked E.T. up on Earth he smelled so much like them little kids that they turned on him and then they ate him while he was still alive

Meatwad:
Noooo!

[At the end of the episode, Meatwad is traumatized from his experience with Shake and Zucotti Manicotti]

Frylock:
He won't move. He won't talk. He just keeps...staring at the wall.

Master Shake:
And he doesn't hog the TV anymore. I crushed this deal, holla!

Frylock:
Shake, look, you saw the noose made out of shoelaces in his room, didn't you?

Master Shake:
I thought that was, like, one of them, uh, you know, Indian dreamcatcher things...that he decided to hang himself with.

Frylock:
Yeah well, 'cause of you I gotta push Prozac in his cat food for the next god-knows-how-long, and good luck getting him to eat it!

Master Shake:
He gets wet food?! [eats cat food out of a bag] I'm the one who's alive and relevant!

Carl:
[Trying to sell "Totem Pole" tickets] Eight...bucks a pop. How about that?

Frylock:
No

Carl:
Four bucks. C'mon.

Frylock:
Nope

Carl:
I'm gonna eat 95 tickets if you don't buy these!

Frylock:
95 tickets?

Carl:
There was a 96 ticket limit online. Figured I could flip 'em at the show. I may have overestimated demand for Totem Pole.

Meatwad:
You can sell 'em Carl. You're a good salesman. I'm hooked and I don't even know what it is

Carl:
Fine. Free. Merry Fucking Christmas! 'Cuz you got a free Totem Pole show out of this!

Meatwad:
You know that ad that says, "The best things in life are free"? I believe it, and that's why I wanna go.

Master Shake:
Yeah, me too. I'm the demographic for free, because I'm unemployable.

Frylock:
Lotta songs about forming human totem poles and shoving heads up asses.

Carl:
Yeah, they're way into that. Check it out: "Poles on Patrol", "Poles & Souls", "Poleorite", "Glory Pole", that's the seminal album; that's the desert island disc. "Poleing Place", they got very political in that one. "For Whom the Bell Poles", classic. "Polegasm", classic. "How Many Poles to Screw in the Bulb", another classic. "Polenight", "Not Polite to say No to Pole Night", that's their first English-speaking album. "Ringthrust", that's a double album, and it also marks the first time they didn't use the word "Pole" in their album title.

Master Shake:
How are we gonna get home, Carl?

Carl:
I can drive, I've only had about 8 beers.

Master Shake:
Yeah. But can you see?

Carl:
Not where I wanna see. We've better call a cab. Grab the cell phone out of my ass and pass it up to the troll. Ow-oh! Oh! Okay!

Master Shake:
I'm holding it out with my left hand. Reach! With your left! Okay, they're you go! You got it!

Carl:
Hey, Lenny, The cab's on speed dial. Ask for a van with a luggage rack and tell him to bring bungee cords, I think we may have to ride up top. [phone dials, unintelligible scream, Lenny screams and destroys Carl's phone] So, Lenny. What's it like working with the band? Is Helment as cool as he seemed like on the album covers? [Lenny screams] Whoo! Not a lot of oxygen inside this troll, you know what I mean? (Carl laughs and sighs)

Master Shake:
Who, me?

Carl:
Wow. You know I didn't think you guys would play "Polegasm" anymore, but you friggin' lead with it. Ugh, awesome show, dudes. [glass shatters]

Master Shake:
They're gone, Carl.

Carl:
I'm still hearing footsteps. Clickety-clacking, you know. [skeletons are walking and groaning]

Master Shake:
Yeah, I hear it too. It's like tap shoes, right?

Carl:
Hey, did you hear any demos of the new stuff yet?

Master Shake:
Who, me?

Carl:
No, the troll. Have you heard any demos of...he don't speak no English. [Carl rips Lenny from his head as he screams] Ah, oh thank God.

Master Shake:
Carl, ask the band where they're partying late night. You know maybe we could hook up with them.

Carl:
Shut up.