All That, Season 1

Himself [after getting amnesia due to a concussion from a falling spotlight]:
"My name is Lord Swaynesborough of Fontcastle."

(Detective Dan has just entered a classroom at Dullmont Jr. High School, thinking that it was a bank being robbed.)

Detective Dan:
"I'm Detective Dan! Everybody up against the wall, and nobody move!"

Student [Bynes]:
"Um...Detective Dan...how are we supposed to get up against the wall without moving?"

Detective Dan:
"I'm Detective Dan."

Student [Bynes]:
"That explains nothing."

(Detective Dan is investigating the theft of Mrs. Lipschitz's [Lori Beth Denberg] jewelry; he then notices Charles [guest star Douglas Brush], the butler, who has the jewelry, but Detective Dan still doesn't suspect him)

Detective Dan:
"You! You there! I'd like a couple'a words with ya!"

Charles:
"Uh...yes?"

Detective Dan:
"You wouldn't happen to know who mighta stolen Mrs. Lipschitz's jewelry, would ya?"

Charles:
"No. Not really. No."

Detective Dan:
"Seen anything at all...suspicious around here?"

Charles:
"No. Can't say that I have."

Detective Dan:
"Hello, Pizza Shack? I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with no pepperonis."

Detective Dan:
"Wait a minute! Where was I when this robbery was takin' place? Hmmmm...boys! Beat me, and then push me so I go flyin' out the window!"

(The officers [Christy Knowings and Danny Tamberelli] accompanying Detective Dan do as he says.)

Bernie:
"My name is Bernie Kibbitz. AND I NEED PANTS!"

Jerry Futile [the host of You Can't Win!]:
"How many shoes?....Ooooo, wrong! The answer was nine. Nine shoes."

Jerry Futile:
"YOU...CAN'T...WIN!"

Jerry Futile:
"True...or false? Oooo, wrong! The correct answer is, that one was 'googly-googly-wick-wick-wick-wick'."

Emily Maroon:
"Wall...wall hit face. It hurt."

Toby Braun:
"I give you...The Board!"

Toby Braun:
"Forget that bicycle! Forget that treadmill! Forget that thing I was tryin' to sell you last week! The Board is the only piece of fitness equipment you and your loved ones will ever need!"

Toby Braun:
"Check the pulse...irregular; good!"

Toby Braun:
"With The Brute, you don't need a telephone!"

(The Brute [guest star Ron Lester] destroys the telephone.)

The Brute:
"I like flowers."

Toby Braun:
"ME, TOO!"

Walter the Earboy:
"WAIT A MINUTE! I know a guy who has huge ears like mine and everybody likes him! He'll tell me what I should do!"

Superdude [Thompson]:
"Well, if it isn't Milk Man!"

Milk Man:
"'Udderly' correct...Superdude! Hope my little visit doesn't sour your day!"

Superdude:
"That's putting it mildly! Last time I saw you, you were rotting in prison!"

Milk Man:
"And I have you to thank for putting me there! I hate when someone spoils my fun!"

Jimmy Bond:
"Wow, that is some penny!"

Julio [Miss Piddlin's assistant]:
"Miss Piddlin? Here--here's more peas. Isn't that a lovely thing, more peas? I was just gonna set 'em down very slowly..."

Tandy Spork:
"Chocolate? Randy, once you've tasted the magical freshness of carrots, asparagus, broccoli, and green beans, you'll find that you won't even want to eat that nasty, silly chocolate anymore!"

Mumbly Spice:
"Flick in blob, a wig a wang jang blang; I mean, pop music, if it is, puh-tuh, hmmm, I mean cleeto, please, clang, you know."

Superdude:
"I'm Superdude, teenage superhero with powers that amaze the stupid."

Superdude:
"I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that make women sweat!"

Sweaty Woman [Denberg]:
"It's true!"

Superdude:
"I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that can make hamsters dance!"

Superdude:
"I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero who's always in the right place at the right time!"

Superdude:
[usually after his intro] "I also enjoy...fluffy stuffed animals, and...soft kisses, and...chatting on the phone long-distance."

Nasty Nancy:
"You'd be nasty, too, iffin' you was a cowboy named...'Nancy'."

Mavis:
"Hey, Clavis, wake up; the show is over."

Clavis [Mitchell]:
"Oh, yeah; kick it!"

Miss Piddlin:
"Miss Piddlin almost let her bad temper and delicate mental conditions get the better of her!"

Miss Piddlin:
"Taste the peas! C'mon, little angel! Tell Miss Piddlin whatcha think of the peas!"

Miss Piddlin:
"Careful, Miss Piddlin, don't lose your pea cool."

Miss Piddlin:
"JULIO!!"

Miss Piddlin:
"Well, if you don't wanna eat peas, don't eat nothin' at all!"

Miss Piddlin:
"Miss Piddlin is back--with her special salad. I like to call it...peas!"

Spice Cube [formerly Burt Spice]:
[rapping] "Fuzzy little bunny, all cute and sweet; cuddly little rabbit, come play with me! Your ears are floppy, and your whiskers, they bend! You're so cute and fuzzy; won't you be my friend? Booooy!"

Spice Boys fan [Leon Frierson]:
"Will you guys sign my Spice Boy dolls for me? I got 'em all; they're so cool!"

Spice Cube:
"Oh, look how adorable your cute little dolls are! Of course we can sign your dolls...I mean, uh, they--they look real tough, ya know what I'm sayin'? Punks? Punks!"

Other character [Saul]:
"Yeah, my question is for Burt Spice. Um, Burt...what's with your name?"

Burt Spice:
"What do--what do you mean?"

Other character [Saul]:
"Well, you know, uh, Hairy Spice is hairy, and Dead Spice is, well, not living."

(Dead Spice is a skeleton.)

Other character [Saul]:
"You're just Burt Spice; now, don't you think that's kinda lame?"

Burt Spice:
"Well, uh...no; the Spice Boys, we're all about music and boy power and friction. Trust me, nobody cares about my name."

[Ishboo is a foreign exchange student from an unknown country.]

Other character [Denberg]:
"Ishboo...where are you from?"

Ishboo:
"Thank you for asking!"

Ishboo:
[to the security guard] "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will leave quietly." (Security guard falls asleep.)

Ishboo:
"Oh, well; close enough."

Ishboo:
(to Dr. Prober [Mitchell]) "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will put the needle down and walk out the door."

(Dr. Prober slams the needle down, sits on it, and yells, slamming everything down and running out of the door.)

Ishboo:
"In my foreign land, it is only proper that the guests sleep in the bed, and that you sleep on the floor!"

Kay [Bates]:
[She and Ishboo are on a date, and she has just watched him dance] "Oh, Ishboo, where did you learn to dance like that? In your foreign land?"

Ishboo:
"Yes; when I was a small Ishboo, I accidentally sat on a hot stove. The excruciating butt pain taught me how to wiggle myself!"

Bill Cosby:
"Eat at least one gallon of yellow pudding every day."

(As a result of Angelique Bates's departure from All That, Mandy is no longer on the Cooking With Randy & Mandy sketch.)

Randy:
"Well, we all know how much Mandy loved chocolate. Unfortunately, during a recent chocolatey-wild weekend, Mandy lost her mind and consumed 479 pounds of pure milk chocolate. Last I heard, Mandy was locked away in a chocolate rehabilitation facility. We wish her well."

Randy:
[after tasting his dish, 'Burrito Surprise'--a chocolate-covered burrito] "That makes me wanna sing!" [singing to the tune of 'La Cucaracha'] "La chocolata, la chocolata...all right! Now, the next dish that I have prepared for you is called 'chocolate on top of chocolate, smothered in chocolate'."

Antoine:
"What it is."

Bradley the Big Ol' Baby:
"Three pounds of applesauce. Bradley want three pounds of applesauce."

Toot-Toot Querie [host of Family Vs. Family]:
"Now, our categories are...movies...famous forks...trousers...and things that go 'moo'."

Jerry Futile:
"Question number 5...blippity-blippity-booty-loo, blippity-blippity-moo."

Antoine:
"Wait, did you just say 'blippity-blippity-booty-loo, blippity-blippity-moo'?"

Jerry Futile:
"That is correct; now, what is your answer?"

Antoine:
"Uh...meatloaf?"

Megan [Bynes]:
"74!"

Shelley [Reyes]:
"Is it a...kangaroo?"

[The buzzer sounds.]

Jerry Futile:
"Ooooo, WRONG! I'm sorry; the answer was 'meatloaf.'"

Antoine:
"But, I said 'meatloaf'! Didn't y'all hear Antoine say 'meatloaf'?!"

Shelley:
"Yup, he said 'meatloaf'."

Jerry Futile:
"But, I didn't hear him. Sorry."

Coldfinger:
"Look at my finger! It is so cold! Feel it! C'mon, feel how cold it is!"

Principal Pimpell:
"As principal of Dullmont Junior High School, Principal William...Baines...Pimpell!"

Principal Pimpell:
[while teaching the "gifted" class] "Now, these little black 'squiggles' are symbols called 'letters'. Now, now, together, these letters form visual representations of words, like, for example, let me see...'coconut'! 'Coconut' is a word. Can anybody say, 'coconut'?"

Student [Denberg]:
"C-C-C-scissors?"

Principal Pimpell:
[singing to the tune of Dry Bones] "The finger bone's connected to the...shin bone! The shin bone's connected to the...brain bone!"

Officer Ulcer [of the U. S. S. Spaceship]:
"Aw! Nobody stops my engines cold!"

Lester Oaks, Construction Worker:
"My name is Lester Oaks, Construction Worker!"

[appeared in the All That Tenth Anniversary Special Good Burger sketch]

Lester Oaks, Construction Worker:
Crunch bunny!

Ed:
"Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger; can I take your order?"

Ed:
"Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Is there anything in my nose?"

Customer [guest star Tracy Lynn Sullivan]:
"I don't know."

(She leaves in disgust.)

Ed:
[singing] "I'm a dude, he's a dude, she's a dude, 'cause we're all dudes, hey!"

Ed:
"That'll be eight bucks."

Customer [Server]:
"Hi, I'd like a Good Punch."

Ed:
"Okay." [Ed punches the customer in the face, KO-ing him.]

[The customer awakens a few minutes later.]

Customer:
"Why did you hit me? All I did was ask for a Good Punch!" [Ed knocks him out again.]

[The customer wakes up again.]

Customer:
"Okay, I think I've got it now. I keep asking for a Good Punch, and you keep hitting me repeatedly, with that in mind. I would like to order one Good Soda. That is S-O-...D-A...'soda'."

Ed:
"One Good Soda."

Customer:
"Right." [Ed punches him out again.]

Customer [Johnson]:
"Ewwwww; you just got Good Burger bits all over my face!"

Ed:
"Uh...no?"

Customer:
"Yes, you did! You got them in my mouth!"

Ed:
"Oh, that'll be eight bucks."

Customer:
"What?! I'm not paying you for your regurgitated burger bits!"

Pizzaface:
"Hey! Don't bag on Walter like that!"

Pizzaface:
"I'm Pizzaface...Walter's friend."

Okrah:
"Today on the Okrah show, you'll be entertained by other people's tragic lives."

Lump Maroon:
[only dialogue] "Jupiterrrrrrrrr!"

(Lump and his brother Emily and sister Chuck [Reyes] have knocked down their neighbor [Thompson], who has returned Emily's missing trousers.)

Emily Maroon:
"We knocked down Grandma!"

Neighbor:
"Look! I ain't your Grandma! All right?! I'm not related to you Maroons in any way!"

Lump Maroon:
"Jupiter."

Neighbor:
[pointing to Lump] "Especially him!"

(Mavis [Thompson] and Clavis [Mitchell] are sitting in the audience, while laughing at one of Bynes's and Server's "Squash Boy" sketches.)

Clavis:
"Ya hear that, Mavis? They're callin' for somebody named 'SQUASH BOY'!"

Mavis:
"Yeah...that's funny! Never heard of a boy...made entirely outta squash...before!"

Baggin' Saggin' Barry [Thompson]:
"I thought I had the biggest, baggiest pants in the world...then I met Baggin' Saggin' Mary."

(Earlier, the other students at Dullmont Jr. High School had asked Baggin' Saggin' Barry and Baggin' Saggin' Mary [Reyes] to pull various objects out of their pants; one of the things was a white TV set with red polka-dots. Mary also had a remote control, but Barry didn't. Before that, one of the students [Denberg] had requested pumpkin juice, and Barry had only a pumpkin to give her. Mary, however, did have a can of pumpkin juice, and she was sure that her trousers could hold more things than his could.)

Clavis:
"You've been blessed with magic trousers. Use your gift. You just gotta reach deep down in your pants...and pull out things you never knew you had. Reach down deep."

Coach Kreeton:
"Oh, the life I live is sad!"

Coach Kreeton:
"No...no...NO! Don't dance like a buncha crazy dancin' people! This is volleyball, not one of them rock'n'roll videos with the...hoodlum music!"

Coach Kreeton:
"Aww, my happiness is a memory!"

Coach Kreeton:
"Hehe! Hehe! Hehe! Goooood..."

Coach Kreeton:
"Why must you upset me in ways I can't understand?!"

Coach Kreeton:
"I demand to see your hall, pass, ticket, slip!"

Coach Kreeton:
"All right; now, tell me what's in your book...pack...bag...sack!"

(Principal Pimpell has called a meeting with Miss Fingerly [Denberg], Tandy Spork, Mr. Treble [Zack McLemore], Coach Kreeton, and Janitor Gaseous [Tamberelli], to find someone to fill in as principal of Dullmont Jr. High School for him while he is away, having his pimple removed.)

Coach Kreeton:
"Oh, yeah; celebrate! Celebrate! It's about time ya popped that pimple! Oh, every time I look at it, it makes me think of the Moon! Oh, I'm so happy! The only thing worser than that ol' crazy-lookin' pimple...is my sad...miserable life."

Butter Boy:
"Superdude, why don't you rub up against me?"

Alan:
"Welcome to Cereal Critics, with Alan and Allen. I'm Alan, A-L-A-N."

Allen [Server]:
"And I'm Allen, A-double L-E-N."

Alan:
"This morning, we're talking about...what else?"

Both [in unison]:
"CEREAL!"

Alan:
"The first cereal on our list is...Lucky Germs. I think we have a clue. Let's take a look."

[A video of them eating Lucky Germs cereal is shown.]

Allen:
"I found Lucky Germs good-tasting and fun; even whimsical, if you will."

Alan:
"I won't. I started out skeptical because of their scary jingle...♪Frosted Lucky Germs, they're tragically contagious♪...what's with that?"

Allen:
"Heh-lo, the jingle's a joke. If I lent you five bucks, would you buy yourself a sense of humor?"

Alan:
"No, but I'd buy some...antacid. I'm still gassy."

Allen:
"Thank you, Mr. Cranky Colon. Well, anyway, I say, 'spoons up'."

Alan:
[makes a buzzer noise] "The correct response is, 'spoons down'."

[Repairman has just dropped through the ceiling, making a mess.]

[Other character]:
"What was that?"

Repairman:
"That was me! I'm...Repairmanman-man-man-man-man!"

[Other character]:
"What's with the echo?"

Repairman:
"Echo my butt!"

[Other character]:
"What's with the echo?"

Repairman:
"Echo schmecho!"

[Other character]:
"What's with the echo?"

Repairman:
"Go away!"

Repairman:
[noticing that a family's lamp is flickering] "Looks like lamp trouble; I can fix that for ya jiffy-quick!"

Father [Kevin Kopelow]:
"Please don't repair it."

Repairman:
"But I must; I'm...Repairman-man-man-man-man-man!"

Mother [Denberg]:
"He's being very gentle."

[Repairman "repairs" the lamp.]

Older daughter [Reyes]:
"Daddy! What is he doing?!"

Repairman:
"That lamp won't be giving you any more trouble; I repaired it!"

Father:
"No. No, you didn't. You killed it."

Younger daughter [Johnson]:
"You squashed our helpless lamp!"

Repairman:
"It was nothing!"

Mother:
"It was horrible! You're a bad repairman!"

[The rest of the family stares at her.]

Mother:
"...-man-man-man-man-man!"

Commander Feeble [Server]:
[of Repairman's "repairs" to the U. S. S. Inferior space shuttle] "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE HE REPAIRS US ALL!"

Dr. Kay:
"All right, all right, it's the one, it's the only, but never lonely, Diggy-Diggy-Dr. Kay! Hey, if you parents out there have any questions about your kids, make my telephone dance; let's go! Say 'Hey', to Diggy-Diggy-Dr. Kay!"

Man on the phone:
"Hey, uh, hey, Dr. Kay, listen, uh, I have a 9-year-old son, and, well, he keeps puttin' on his sister's clothes. What do I do?"

Dr. Kay:
"Uh, puts on his sister's clothes. Uh, what's the name?"

Man on the phone:
"Steven."

Dr. Kay:
"Tell me, does Steven look good in a dress?"

Man on the phone:
"Yes, he does."

Dr. Kay:
"A 9-year-old son, wears his sister's clothes...Dr. Kay's advice; call the boy 'Stephanie'! Problem solved!"

[He rings his gong with his slingshot.]

Dr. Prober:
[during Ishboo's checkup] "Let me just check your ears. That's all right."

[He checks Ishboo's left ear, and sees Ren and Stimpy, from The Ren & Stimpy Show; they are screaming while blasting off into outer space.]

Dr. Prober:
"Oh! Let me check the other one."

Ishboo:
"Okey-dokey."

[He checks Ishboo's right ear, and sees a polar bear.]

(A boy named Jake Feta has just used a "cheese fizz", and has thus been arrested by the Cheese Police.)

Jake Feta [Thompson]:
[to Officer Jack Colby, of the Cheese Police] "But you said we were friends!"

Officer Jack Colby:
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I once said I was Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz. But ya don't see Toto...do ya?"

Officer Jack Colby:
"Man. If it isn't one cheese, it's another other! It's another other! I'm...on my way!"

Herself [on Vital Information]:

Miss Fingerly:
"The classroom is no place to exchange ideas and information!"

Miss Fingerly:
"The classroom is no place for research."

Miss Fingerly:
"The classroom is no place for enjoying yourself."

Miss Fingerly:
"Good afternoon, students. I trust you all enjoyed lunch. I myself consumed a tasty chicken pot pie. Teachers love chicken pie...cock-a-doodle-pie!"

Miss Fingerly:
"As far as I'm concerned, Jenny is not a jolly nor good and...clearly she's no fellow! Now, please; stop interrupting!"

Loud Librarian:
"QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY!" (blows airhorn)

Herself:
"I want a rhinoceros...carved out of pure gold!"*

Santa Claus:
"So, Lori Beth, have you been a good girl this year?"

Lori Beth:
"Hmmm, no."

Santa Claus:
"Bye-bye!"

Lori Beth:
"Seeya, Santa."

Sweaty Woman:
"You two couldn't be more wrong! It's Superdude!"

Miss Fingerly:
"The classroom is no place for hiney-slappin'!"

Loud Librarian:
"Noisy! I thought I told you no talking! You talk, you walk!"

Loud Librarian:
"SILENCE! QUIET! STIFLE! HUSH! SHHH!"

Loud Librarian:
"SILENCE! NEVER ENTER THIS LIBRARY AGAIN!"

Loud Librarian:
[after closing the door and ringing the bell that she has recently put on it] "HUSH, BELL! THIS IS A LIBRARY, NOT A RINGAMERRARIUM!"

Loud Librarian:
"SILENCE! THIS IS A LIBRARY! NOT A SNEEZE HALL!"

Loud Librarian:
"QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY! NOT A TALKATORIUM!"

Loud Librarian:
"I SAID 'SHUSH'! CAN'T YOU HEAR MY WORDS?!"

Other character [Knowings]:
"You are not a very good librarian."

Loud Librarian:
"EVERYONE, QUIET! YOU SQUEAK...I FREAK!"

Other character [Bynes]:
"I'm sorry. I thought this was the library--"

Loud Librarian:
"WRONG! THIS IS THE LIBRARY, AND THAT MEANS NO NOISE! WHAT KIND OF LUNATIC ARE YOU?!"

Connie Muldoon:
"I was never in my car! We Muldoons don't believe in motor vehicles!"

Herself:
[singing] "I'm so proud of my new bunny; he wiggles his nose, and eats my honey; he tickles my toes, I tickle his tummy; and that's why I'm so proud. Proud, proud, proud; bunny, bunny, bunny..."

(Susie, from a form of the Girl Scouts known as the Little Pansies, who wear pink uniforms, is trying to sell her cookies to a man named Bernie [Mitchell] and his wife [Bates]; she has just climbed in through their window after Bernie rejected her at the front door.)

Susie:
Okay, here is the deal; buy 30 boxes of Fudgy Clots, and I'll knock of 3%!"

(Each box of Little Pansy cookies costs $5; this would cost $145.50 altogether.)

Bernie:
What do you think you're doin'?

Susie:
Selling Little Pansy cookies! Haven't I made that clear?

Bernie's wife:
Times sure have changed; when I was young, we were never pushy Pansies.

Susie:
Did I mention that Lulu Creams are made with real synthetic nougat?

Ross Perot:
Did you know I'm freakishly rich? I mean, I got over $4 billion.

Perot [looks hungrily at Pizzaface]:
How can I concentrate with that dee-licious pizza starin' at me?

Perot:
Look at me, I'm in a bathtub full of money. I'm a sawed-off freak, takin' a $4 billion jacuzzi!

Roseanne Barr:
I got a wicked rash!

Dorothy:
What about me, Mr. Cosby? What about my shower?

Cosby [Thompson]:
Well, you see, Dorothy, a shower is like a box of peanuts that you sit on with your wife Camille. And the grapefruit, and the avocados, and the little children running around in the neighborhood. Purty, purty, purty. Purty, purty, purty. And then, your big toe swells up in your underpants.

Lemonade Scammer [after giving a customer free but spicy peanuts]:
Those peanuts were soaked overnight in jalapeño pepper juice. I call 'em 'jalapeanuts'. Is that cute, or what?

Lemonade Scammer:
[to a customer] Thirsty?

Customer [Server]:
Lemonade, please.

Lemonade Scammer:
Five bucks.

Customer:
Five bucks? That's a lot of money.

Lemonade Scammer:
Well, you seem a lot of thirsty.

Lemonade Scammer [crying, while holding an audience member's puppy]:
My Mom said, if I don't sell enough lemonade, she'll sell my puppy!

Lemonade Scammer [crying]:
I went to all the trouble to find your golf ball, and you won't even buy any lemonade!

[someone has asked about lactose-intolerant; Johnson's character appears from inside of a grocery display]

Sally:
Superdude is lactose-intolerant. That means he can be harmed by dairy products.

Woman:
You mean like ham?

Sally:
No. Ham is meat. Dairy products include milk, butter, cream, cheese, cream cheese, and...

YoGurl:
Yogurt!

Sally:
I've got a squeegee!

Sally:
You're the best, Superdude, even if you are lactose-intolerant.

Fran [Denberg]:
"Kiki, we've been on this island for three years..."

Kiki:
[singsong] "Three years, two months, one wee-eek!"

Kiki:
[singing] "Fran's here, and I'm here, and you're here, and you're gonna be heeeeeere...forrrrrever-"

Fran [Denberg]:
"Stop it."

Kiki:
"--and ever--"

Fran:
"Stop it!"

Kiki:
"--and ever--"

Fran:
"STOP IT!"

Kiki:
"--and ever--"

[Fran knocks herself out.]

Kiki:
"--and ever...."

Mandy:
"Mmmm; the chocolate does wonders for the nails."

Mandy:
"Looks like it's raining chocolate syrup. And...can it be snowing chocolate sprinkles?"

Penny Lane:
[to Superdude] "No, the milk will harm you! You're lactose-intolerant!"

Jaleel White [as Steve Urkel]:
"Surprise! Ha-ha, did I do thaaaaaat?"

Ashley:
[starts to read a letter] "Dear Ashley..." That's me!

Springs:
[sings] I'm a teeny-weeny bopper-beany, I'm so nice and he's so meany!

[Alien Thumtax has just fired on the U. S. S. Spaceship, which is helmed by 10-year-old Captain Tantrum]

Captain Tantrum:
[wails] "You hurt my spaceship! WAAAAAAAAH!"

Officer Canker [Server]:
"Oh, nice goin', Thumtax! You made our little captain cry!"

Captain Tantrum:
"You, you fired lasers at me, and I'm just a little girl!"

Thumtax [Denberg]:
"I--I'm sorry. How was I supposed to know that your captain was a little girl? I'm sorry, lil' Cap'n. I didn't mean to harm your ship; I--what can I do to make you feel better, sweetie?"

Captain Tantrum:
[sniffles] "Lower your shields."

Thumtax:
"But, I--"

Captain Tantrum:
[wails] "WAAAAAAAAAH!"

Thumtax:
"All right. Lower shields."

One of Thumtax's minions:
"Shields down."

Thumtax:
[to Captain Tantrum] "All right, dear; our shields are down. Is that better?"

Captain Tantrum:
"I guess so."

Captain Tantrum:
[to Singo and Officer Canker] "FIRE MAIN LASERS!"

Singo [Mitchell]:
[sings] "Firin' lasers!"

[He and Officer Canker fire the lasers at Thumtax's ship.]

Thumtax:
[screams, in the destruction of her ship]

Singo:
[singing] "Captain, that was brilliant; Captain, that was brilliant!"

Captain Tantrum:
"Status report, Officer Canker."

Officer Canker:
"Alien ship dee-stroyed."

Captain Tantrum:
"Excellent! Take us out of here, Singo. Heading 2614, mark 2."

Officer Canker:
"But, but, Captain, we're supposed to be heading to Jupiter. That mark will take us directly to some place called...Happy...Toyland..."

Captain Tantrum:
"Soooo?"

Singo:
"We don't have time to go to Happy Toyland...no..."

Captain Tantrum:
"BUT I WANNA GO TO HAPPY TOYLAND! I WANNA GO TO HAPPY TOYLAND!..."

Captain Tantrum:
"Porkus II?! That planet is entirely inhabited by...Pigginoids!"

Sosumi [Reyes]:
"Pigginoids?! No! I was harmed and taunted by Pigginoids when I was a little girl!"

Captain Tantrum:
[singsong] "No one cares..."

Captain Tantrum:
"Hey! You aliens! This is Captain Tantrum, of the U. S. S. Spaceship! ♪Whatcha doin'?♪"

(The U. S. S. Spaceship is under attack by an alien named Velcro, who is made of what his name indicates.)

Captain Tantrum:
"Who are you?"

Velcro [guest star Kevin Carlson]:
"I...am Velcro. And I am angry."

(He removes his neutral mouth and replaces it with his angry mouth.)

Velcro:
"See?"

Captain Tantrum:
"All right, VELCRO! Why have you attacked us?!"

Velcro:
"I have issues!"

Captain Tantrum:
"Okay. But...will you please not attack us again?"

Lt. Fondue [Knowings]:
"Oh, sure! You're all polite to him..."

Ashley:
"Our next letter comes from...Mary Schmidt, of Butler, Pennsylvania. Mary writes...'Dear Ashley'...thaaaat's me! 'Dear Ashley, for reason, people never pay any attention to me. No one seems to care about me, or anything that I have to say. How come everyone always ignores me?'"

[Ashley puts the letter down.]

Ashley:
"Our next letter comes from...Lisa Lillian, of Queens, New York. Lisa writes...'Dear Ashley'...thaaaat's me! 'Dear Ashley, my name is Lisa. I just bought a new sweater. It is green. Sincerely, Lisa.'"

[long pause]

Ashley:
"WHO STINKIN' CARES?! THIS IS CALLED ASK ASHLEY! NOT BORE ASHLEY TO STINKIN' DEATH!"

Ashley [mocking]:
"Gee, I'm Lisa Lillian! And I just bought a new sweater! It is GREEN! I'm a moron..."

Ashley [normal voice]:
"...and blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-BLAH!"

(Dr. Debbie is a cheerleading doctor.)

Dr. Debbie:
"Pain, pain, go away; come again...NEVER!"

Janitor Gaseous:
"Squat and rot!"

Jack Campbell:
"I'm gonna collect all this evidence...with my face!"

Jack Campbell:
"I'm Jack Campbell, Fat Cop!"

Francis the Caveman:
"Me Francis, and I'm a caveman."

(An alien named Crouton [Tamberelli] is attacking the U. S. S. Spaceship; he has the power to telepathically control the ship and its crew.)

Crouton:
"Now, surrender your ship."

Captain Tantrum [Bynes]:
"NEVER!"

Crouton:
"Then I will make you do more unpleasant things!"

Singo [Mitchell]:
[singing] "Things aren't good...things are bad...Singo's feeling very sad..."

Crouton [groaning]:
"Stop it!"

Captain Tantrum:
"Did you see that? Singo! Sing something else!"

Singo:
[singing] "Okay, Captain, have no fear; just tell me what you wanna hear!"

Crouton [groaning]:
"Stop the singing; it's killing me!"

Officer Canker [Server]:
"Wait a minute. Whenever Singo sings...it harms Crouton!"

Hairy Spice:
"Sweaty, you better be careful around all this electrical equipment; I mean, you're just dripping in sweat. And everybody knows that water and electricity...don't mix."

Jessica:
"And, like, my name is Jessica; rrrr!"

Winter Wonders:
"I'm Winter Wonders, and this is the game show called What Do You Do?, where our panel tries to figure out what some kid does."

Lt. Fondue [of the U. S. S. Spaceship]:
"Captain! What is we gonna do?!"

Lt. Fondue:
"Captain! I'm receivin' a trans-mishy-on from the alien ship that attack-ed-ed us!"

Miss Piddlin [Thompson]:
"I see you had my Julio bring in your carrots."

Miss Toodle [Miss Piddlin's lunch lady rival]:
"Uh-huh, 'cause ya know, children love them some carrots, more than anything."

(It is Science Day at Dullmont Jr. High School, and none of the students except Tilly [Bynes] did a science project. Ms. Ernestine Klump, the teacher, chooses Jasper to go first.)

Jasper [Thompson]:
"Um, this is a stick."

[He breaks the stick in half.]

Jasper:
"Now, it's two sticks."

Ms. Klump:
"Oooo! Very good, Jasper! That science project will have many uses in the computer industry!"

Ms. Klump:
"Now, our next show and tell student is Thrack Morton."

Thrack [Saul]:
"Well, for show and tell today, I brought my new...instant juicer! My Uncle Wayne gave it to me, for Nephew Day."

(Thrack places his juicing machine on Ms. Klump's desk, and takes out a bowl containing several oranges and cups.)

Ms. Klump:
"Wow! A juicer; well, that's terrific! Now, what does it do?"

Thrack:
"Well, first, you put the fruit in on top, like this."

(He puts an orange into the juicer.)

Thrack:
"Then, you press the button."

(He does so, and the juice from the orange pours into the cup that he has placed near the spout.)

Thrack:
"And, voilà...juice!"

(He hands the juice to one of the other students [Thompson].)

Thrack:
"Here, try some."

Other student:
[after tasting the orange juice] "Mmmm! It tastes like sunshine on a Saturday morning!"

Leroy:
"Hey; my name's Leroy."

Fuzz [a blue puppet, voiced by Kevin Carlson]:
"And my name is Fuzz!"

[He laughs.]

Fuzz:
"How ya doin', Leroy?"

Leroy:
"Anyway, today we're here to talk about somethin' that irritates me. I'm talkin' about vegetables."

Fuzz:
"Leroy, did I just hear you say you don't like vegetables?"

Leroy:
"You wanna make somethin' of it?"

Fuzz:
"Well, gee; no...sorry."

Leroy:
"I know. Now, like I was sayin', before I was so rudely interrupted by the big-mouthed puppet..."

[He casts a sideways glance at Fuzz.]

Leroy:
...vegetables are nasty."

Fuzz:
"But, Leroy, vegetables are good for you. They're full of vitamins and happiness!"

[He laughs.]

Fuzz:
"And they taste great, too!"

Leroy:
"Fuzz, we're not done yet. We should have a blow-dryer."

Fuzz:
"A blow-dryer? But that's not a blow-dryer; that's an industrial strength leaf-blower!"

Fuzz:
[singing] "Mi-mi-mi...oh, I like to scrub in the tub, 'cause I can play in the bubbles, and wash away my troubles; oh, bath-time sure is fun!"

Fuzz:
"Kids gotta have a bedtime, so they get plenty of sleep! Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep--"

Leroy:
"You on some kinda medical problem?!"

Fuzz:
"Yes."

Leroy:
"It figures."

Billy Fuco:
"I'M BILLY FUCO!"

[There has been a long arguement over which Cloudy Knight singer should be top-billed.]

C.J.:
"Have y'all caught the midnight train to Georgia? Now, I'm the cutest, and I got the biggest afro, so we will continue to be called...'C.J. and the Cloudy Knights.'"

LaTanya:
"Okaaaaay!"

LaTanya:
"It's time to get our freak on!"

Quik'N'Fast customer [Mark Saul]:
"Can I just buy these breath mints!"

LaTanya:
"Ugh! You need 'em, Mr. Garbage Mouth!"

Sweaty Spice:
"Boy Power!"

Sweaty Spice:
"Look, Burt; this just ain't workin'. Sorry..."

Yearbook photographer [Server]:
"That's him! That's the little hooligan that tied me up and hid me under the desk!"

Stuart:
"Fine, I'm not the real yearbook photographer. I'm just a guy named Stuart. But you know something? If I was the real yearbook photographer, I'd be the best yearbook photographer IN ALL THE LAND! People would come up to me and say 'Oh, Stuart, you're the best yearbook photographer...EVER!!!!!' You all sicken me!! Now I'm going to get on my pterodactyl and go. C'mon, Terence."

Stuart:
[Pretends to take a student's picture with a life-sized replica of an iguana] "That picture's gonna come out just great!"

Student [Bynes]:
"But, that's not a camera; that's an iguana."

Stuart:
"You can't prove that!"

Stuart [to the iguana]:
"She doesn't know what she's talking about, Mr. Camera."

Student [Bynes]:
"Look, nut! This is a camera, and that's an iguana."

Stuart:
"And I'm a goat."

[He bleats like a goat, and eats a handful of grass.]

Hypno-Pants:
"Stare into my butt!"

Murray:
"Hey! Could you--hey! Could you bring me--hey! Could you bring me a balloon?"

[The show opening]

Announcer [Soup]:
"Fresh out the box! Stop, look, and watch! Ready yet? Get set! It's All That!"

[Peter and Flem are performing the actions as narrated]

Announcer:
"Peter sharpens pencils the old-fashioned way. Flem sharpens pencils in different parts of his body."

Announcer:
"Peter exercises every day. He runs over five miles. Flem runs from the police."

Announcer:
"Peter does his homework making sure he gets all the answers right. Flem hits things with a hammer."

Announcer:
"After dinner, Peter enjoys a fresh piece of fruit for dessert, like an apple. Flem eats a bag of sugar."

Announcer:
"Peter makes excuses to go to the restroom. Flem's going to the restroom right now."

[Flem is not in his restroom.]

Announcer:
"Peter turns off his TV set using a remote control. Flem uses a brick."

Announcer:
"Peter always brushes his teeth before going to bed. Flem brushes his hobo."

Announcer:
"Peter likes to grow nice plants and flowers. Flem grows things under his arms."

Announcer:
"Peter likes to read. Flem can't."

Announcer:
"Every day after school, Peter walks his dog, Fido. Flem walks his grandmother."

Announcer:
"After doing his homework, Peter relaxes by watching public television. Flem watches underwear."

Announcer:
"Peter uses his laptop computer to do his homework. Flem smashes stolen coconuts."

Kevin Kopelow:
"Five minutes! The show starts in five minutes!"

Kevin Kopelow:
"Listen up. I'm just here to tell ya, that in ten minutes, the show will be startin' in five minutes."

Dan Schneider:
"Hiiiii, everyone! It's time for 'Ask Ashley'!"

Ed [Mitchell]:
Whoa! We have a drive-through window!

Mr. Bailey [Schneider]:
Ed, we've had a drive-through window for 3 years; it's right over there.

Ed:
Whoa! How does the car fit through that little window over there?

Mr. Bailey:
It doesn't, Ed! The cars don't drive through the window; they drive past the window!

Ed:
Oh; well, why don't they call it a "drive-pass" window?

Mr. Bailey:
[looks at a customer's winning ticket, which Ed claimed was for $5,000] "Aw, for the love of decimals, Ed, this says he won 50¢! 50¢, not 5,000!"

Mýa Harrison:
[Describing the perils of live television] "...And if things go horribly wrong, we'll show this video clip of Rhineheart the Dancing Monkey-Boy."

Complaint Department lady [Lori Beth Denberg]:
[to a customer] Complaint Department. Whatcha doin'?

Customer [Tricia Dickson]:
[southern accent] Well, I have a complaint...

Complaint Department lady:
Is...that your complaint?

Complaint Department lady:
If you have no complaint, I must ask you to go home.

Customer:
Well, I certainly do have a complaint.

Complaint Department lady:
Well, make up your mind! Do you have a complaint?

Customer:
Yes; I bought this here mini vacuum cleaner. But I wanted a blue one, like on the box...and they gave me this here red one, surely by mistake.

Complaint Department lady:
Well, if I were you, I'd take it right back to the store where I bought it.

Toy designer #1 (Server):
"Say hello to the Stinkphone!"

Ms. Lumpco (head of Lumpco Toy Company; Denberg):
"Why is it called the 'Stinkphone'? OH, it STINKS!"

Toy designer #2 (Thompson):
"Exactly; it's not just a phone...it's a phone that stinks!"

Kevin:
"Everyone, I have a little surprise for you all! Kenan?"

Josh:
"It's the Big Ear of Corn!"

Angelique:
"So, what was wrong with the Corn?"

Kenan:
"Nothin'; it turns out that the Big Ear of Corn wasn't even sick at all! Katrina?"

Maggot [Server]:
[British accent] My name is Maggot!

Rash [Reyes]:
I'm Rash!

Spew [Thompson]:
They call me SPEW!

Miss Fingerly [Denberg]:
All right. Spew, Rash...Maggot. Now, where are you children from?

Student [Johnson]:
Miss Fingerly, don't you know who they are?

Student [Bates]:
Yeah!

Student [Johnson]:
They're Bacteria!

Miss Fingerly:
Now, let's not judge others by their appearance.

Student [Mitchell]:
No; they're Bacteria, the hottest band around!

Student [Johnson]:
Their CD, Raw Sewage, just went Triple Platinum!

Miss Fingerly:
Oh, I see. Well, perhaps you'd like to tell the class how your band got the name "Bacteria"!

Maggot:
Well, you see, our drummer, Spew, forgot to take a bath for 3½ years, and when we looked under his armpit, we found...

Miss Fingerly:
All right! Let's all take our seats.

Loud Librarian:
Silence! This is a liberry! Just who do you fellas think you are?!

Kay Gee:
We're Naughty By Nature.

Loud Librarian:
Oh, well; that's obvious!

Treach:
No, no, no; we're the rap group Naughty By Nature. This is Kay Gee, this is Vinnie, and I'm Treach, and we just came in--

Loud Librarian:
Quiet! This is a liberry! Now, look, Treach, Kay Gee, Vinnie? I realize that you are all "naughty", and that it is your "nature" to be so! But if you wanna sing, you're not gonna do it in my liberry!

Loud Librarian:
You can sing over there!

Loud Librarian:
(blows her whistle) Let's hear a round o' sound for...Naughty By Nature!

Maggot:
Excuse me; before we start, can you even play the bass?

Waw [Tamberelli]:
WAAAAAAAW!

Amanda:
Hey, everyone! Before the musical guest comes on, I wanted to show you my magic powers!

Audience:
Ooh, aah!

Amanda:
That's right! I'm going to turn these ice cubes into a glass of water!

(Puts the ice cubes into a glass; a few seconds go by)

Amanda:
Hmmm. This trick usually takes a few hours. Hey, I know! I'll just turn this grapefruit into NSYNC instead! Alaka-ZAM!

(NSYNC appears)

JC Chasez:
Where are we?

Justin Timberlake:
And why do we smell like grapefruit?

[Josh is running on an unstoppable treadmill.]

Amanda:
Help! Help! I need help!

Danny:
What's wrong?

Amanda:
I need help.

Danny:
Well, I'm right here.

[long pause]

Amanda:
Kenan! Kel! I NEED SOME HELP!!

[Kenan and Kel enter]

Kenan:
What's wrong? Was Danny bothering you?

Kel:
Because we'll take care of him.

Amanda:
No. It's Josh. He's stuck on the treadmill, and we can't make it stop!

(At Good Burger, Mr. Bailey [Tim Goodwin; later played by Dan Schneider] has introduced Ed [Mitchell] to the new employee, Beth [Bates], who becomes Ed's love interest. She and Ed are lost in thought.)

Ed:
(thinking) I'm lost in thought.

Beth:
(thinking) He seems lost in thought.

Ed:
She's so pretty, just like a...like, uh...like someone who's pretty.

Beth:
I hope he thinks I'm pretty.

Ed:
I do.

Beth:
He'd be the coolest boyfriend.

Ed:
Some vegetables...are green.

Beth:
I wonder if he'll call me, and ask me out on a date.

Ed:
I want to call her, and ask her out on a date, but I don't know how...

[short pause]

Ed:
...to use a phone.

Beth:
Ed, it's so easy, spell.

Ed:
My foot's cold.

[looks down]

Ed:
Hey! I'm missin' a shoe!

(Earlier, a customer [Johnson] had found and complained about a shoe in the strawberry milkshake that she had ordered; presumably, this was Ed's right shoe. He had actually noticed it in the milkshake machine, but hadn't bothered to remove it. This had made her "confused...and angry!".)

Bridget:
"Hi! I'm Bridget, and this is my...SLUMBER PARTY!"

Abby Rhodes:
"Like, okay, okay?"

Mega Butt:
"Butt powers ACTIVATE!"

Slimon Bowel:
"I hate you all."

Randy Quench:
"Here comes me!"

Randy Quench:
"I'm Randy Quench! Volunteer Fireman!"

Carson Daly:
"I'm now bleeding from the ears! I hope you're happy!"

Claudia:
"When life gives me lemons, I suck them."

Claudia:
"I want to give you all an infection."

Bridget [Brummet]:
"Infect people later!"

Heather Darling:
"INCOMING!!!"

Heather Darling:
"That's my name!"

Kaffy:
"MY HEART IS POUNDING LIKE A JACKHAMMER!"

Harry Bladder:
"Weenius nosium!"

Brian Peafest:
"Who will be the next American Idiot?"

Buzz:
"MY PULSE IS RACING FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT!"

Ernie:
"Here comes the loopy-de-loop."

Soupdude:
"I'm not Superdude! I'm...Soupdude!"

Soupdude:
"I do make wonderful soup. That's why they call me...Soupdude!"

Mandy Snackson:
"Dawg, you did your thing."

Driving Instructor:
"Don't be distracted by distractions!"

Dill:
"Once upon a time...there was this little puppy named Cuddles. And then...Cuddles ate a huge banana split!"

Re-Ron:
"I'm Harry Bladder's precocious best friend!"

Zigfried:
"KUMQUAT!...jerk."

Thelma Stump:
"Got any bacon?...Bacon's goooood."

Carlee:
"I'm Carlee--"

Marlee [Foiles]:
"--and I'm Marlee--"

Both [in unison]:
"--and we've got a passion for trashin' fashion! Uh-huh!"

Cindy Lou Rougeneck:
"I want some babyback ribs!"

Sunshine Sally:
"So, go get the tacos."

Kareena Jones:
"Sass-er-frass!"

Kareena Jones:
"No flapjacks for you TODAY!!"

Cupid:
"I don't like it now, and I didn't like it when I was a tall white guy!" (the part had previously been played by Lyons)

Jeff Bester:
"When it comes to safety, I know bester!"

Jeff Bester:
"Yo-yo's going crazy."

Jeff Bester:
"Jeff Bester deems these crayons...UNSAFE!"

(He makes a loud buzzer noise.)

Lady in Shane's Mouth [Schneider]:
"Don't live in a mouth!"

Announcer [Brian Peck]:
"Know your stars...know your stars...know your stars..."

Kenan Thompson:
There are small children in my nose.

Kenan Thompson:
May I blow my nose in your sandwich?

Kenan Thompson:
I want to shave your back.

Kenan Thompson:
My father's name is Stephanie.

Kenan Thompson:
You look like Stephanie, but you smell like Robert.

Kenan Thompson:
I'm sorry; I thought that was my pocket.

Kenan Thompson:
What time is it, and why do you smell like cheese?

Kenan Thompson:
Why is your butt talking?

Kenan Thompson:
(after speaking a 30- to 40-syllable French phrase in which he mentions actor/singer Patrick Swayze [1952-2009]) How are you?

Kenan Thompson:
Hey! Who put that bacon fat on my toilet seat?

Kenan Thompson:
Who are you, and why are you wearing my Daddy's panties?

Kenan Thompson:
I'm from Minnesota, and my name is Winnifred!

Kenan Thompson:
Thanks for buttering my squirrel.

Kenan Thompson:
I thought you said this was pudding!

Kenan Thompson:
Who broke the pickle pump?

Kenan Thompson:
Kiss me! Squeeze me! Call me "Mrs. Beasley"!

Kenan Thompson:
Oh no! The babysitter exploded!

Kenan Thompson:
Monkeys are tickling my tummy.

Kenan Thompson:
May I take a nap in your nose?

Kenan Thompson:
I have not showered in 36 days!

Kenan Thompson:
Kiss me under the baloney tree!

Kenan Thompson:
Take those pork chops out of your brassiere!

Kenan Thompson:
Hey! Stop licking my kangaroo!

Kenan Thompson:
I enjoyed meeting your sister in prison!

Kenan Thompson:
I'm a pretty little girl.

Kenan Thompson:
May I pop my pimple on your lasagna?

Kenan Thompson:
Excuse me! I am not a drinking fountain!

Kenan Thompson:
Wow! How did you get an onion in there?

Kenan Thompson:
Pardon me, but this tissue has already been used.

Kenan Thompson:
Thanks for the lovely used tissue!

Kenan Thompson:
Oh, no! The macaroni is infected!

Kenan Thompson:
I told you I had gas.

Kenan Thompson:
I told you I had to throw up.

Kenan Thompson:
Merry Christmas! May I get you a cup of hot fat?

Kenan Thompson:
That's not an elf, that's my grandmother!

Kenan Thompson:
Hey! Look what the reindeer left on my roof!

Kenan Thompson:
That's not bubblegum! That's Porkboy the Breakfast Monkey!

Kenan Thompson:
Keep your hands off my chicken nuggets!

Kenan Thompson:
Mmmm! This men's room smells wonderful.

Kenan Thompson:
Who said you could live in my toilet?

Kenan Thompson:
Your grandfather looks pretty in that wedding dress.

Kenan Thompson:
This looks like mustard, but it tastes like you!

Kenan Thompson:
Oh, no! It shrunk!

Kenan Thompson:
Where is the library and why is your nose filled with ointment?

Kenan Thompson:
Your wallpaper is making my eyebrows explode.

Kenan Thompson:
You look different. Did you brush your nose hair?

Kenan Thompson:
Don't cry. It's only a rectangle.

Lori Beth Denberg:
"If your face looks like a fig, and it's your birthday...then happy birthday, fig face!"

Lori Beth Denberg:
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall...LOOK AT ME; I'M A PERSON TALKIN' TO A PIECE OF GLASS!"

Lori Beth Denberg:
"If you're lucky enough to have a hammer...please...don't hammer in the mornin'."

Lori Beth Denberg:
"When it rains, it pours. When it snows...it's cold."

Lori Beth Denberg:
"If you're on TV, giving out vital information, and your phone rings...don't answer it."

Lori Beth Denberg:
"It's not...'okay' to eat breakfast cereal out of your underpants."

Lori Beth Denberg:
"If you're on a first date with someone, never stick your finger in their spaghetti, twirl it, and holler, 'Looky, date; I'm makin' s'ghetti circles!'"

Lori Beth Denberg:
"Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder...how in the world that song ever became so popular."

Lori Beth Denberg:
"There's no real reason to play basketball naked."

Lori Beth Denberg:
"Never spit on someone and then say, 'That's what spit feels like'."

Lori Beth Denberg:
"If you're drinking apple juice, and it feels warm...odds are, that ain't apple juice."

Lori Beth Denberg:
"If your friend's Mom asks you what you'd like to drink, don't say, 'Oh, nothin'. My mouth's fulla spit'."

Lori Beth Denberg:
"The early bird gets the worm. Fine! I don't want the worm!"

Lori Beth Denberg:
"Never put underwear on your head, and say to people, 'I'm little Nancy, and this my pretty new hat'."

Lori Beth Denberg:
"It is better to sit there and look stupid...than it is to stand up, open your mouth, and announce, 'HEY, I'M DEFINITELY STUPID!'"