Designing Women, Season 4

[An injured Anthony is trapped at Suzanne's and calls Julia begging for help.]

Anthony:
I heard her talking to her facialist on the phone. And tonight, if you don't do something, they gonna exfoliate me!

Suzanne:
Well, I don't care what anyone says about the New South, it's just like that time we went to Memphis. I mean, anytime you put one black man and three well-heeled white women together, it's just gonna look strange and that's all there is to it.

[Julia agrees to spend the evening with a terminally ill man who has a crush on her.]

Suzanne:
Julia, this is your sister. Anthony and Charlene and Mary Jo and I are right outside. We're tired, we're stuffed, our feet hurt, we want to go home. Now if you're in there being either bored to death or held prisoner by this nerd maniac. Then I suggest you turn on all the lights right now. Otherwise we're just gonna be on our way and assume that you are a cheap little one night tart available to every Tom, Dick and Harry with a head cold. Okay now, we're watching the window, we'll be waiting for your signal. Good-bye.

[Anthony is running errands for the ladies to help them prepare for Charlene's baby shower.]

Charlene:
I'm sorry you can't stay for the shower, it's just one of those all girl times.

Anthony:
Believe me, Charlene, I understand perfectly. It's absolutely alright. I go to all-boy parties sometimes, and we have those little tiny sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and then we play word games where the prize is a biscuit cutter, so I've had my fill.

[At the Baby Shower for Charlene, Suzanne had been whimpering all during the ceremony, until...]

Suzanne:
They can have that crown when they tear it from my cold dead scalp!!!! Oh!

Julia:
All right, we will all go in together, because Suzanne NEEDS all of us. And also, there is no way she can cover all four of us with one gun!

Charlene:
You do know that we're here to take you down to the hotel for the ceremony...

Suzanne:
Yes, of course. I'm almost ready. Just let me touch up my makeup.

Julia:
(suspicious) Ok, Suzanne. What's going on?

Suzanne:
You know, Julia. We're going down to the Marriott to see those pageant people.

Charlene:
(relieved) Oh, Suzanne, this is great. Yesterday, when you said that stuff about your cold, dead scalp, y'know, and then you ran out to the parking lot and threw yourself on the ground kicking and screaming, and then you crawled to your car with dirt and saliva all over your face, and then you drove away peeling rubber... we thought you were upset.

Mary Jo:
Silly us.

Suzanne:
Yes, well I talked to Consuela, and I'm better now.

Anthony:
Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that.

Julia:
I'd like to think that this means you and Consuela had a soul-searching chat, and you re-evaluated your priorities and realized crown, or no crown, you are who you are — but I have a feeling I'd be disappointed.

Anthony:
I have a feeling it's more like little dolls, straight pins and chicken parts.

Charlene:
Did Consuela make a Donna Jo Carnes doll?

Suzanne:
Yes, and she also put a curse on that Audrey woman too, and I wrote down on this piece of paper a hundred times It will not happen, so you all can just go ahead and laugh, but I know in my heart it's just not going to happen.

Julia:
Suzanne, you're just making this harder on yourself. Now I've talked to Reese, and apparently there's no statute of limitations on this thing, and there's nothing we can do here.

Suzanne:
When I was a little girl, you told me, "Suzanne, if there's anything in this life you want to be, you can be it. All you have to do it want it enough." That's how I won that contest in the first place — I wanted it more. All those other girls were running around saying, "I don't care who wins. I just enjoy the camaraderie and meeting all the other girls from all over the state of Georgia." I didn't give a flip about meeting other girls. I can meet other girls any ole time. And maybe they didn't mean it, but they said it, so a little tiny bit of them did mean it. I never said it. Basically, I just said, "I want that crown to be on my head." So I'll just go down and talk to these people and eplain it all to them, and they won't take my crown. They can't because... because you told me I could be whatever I want to be if I just want it bad enough. And I want to be Miss Georgia... for the rest of my life.

[The group is waiting on the ceremony for Suzanne to relinquish her Miss Georgia crown to Donna Jo Carnes when Bernice comes into the room dragging a portly woman behind her.]

Bernice:
Look what I found in the ladies room...

Charlene:
Oh Bernice, put her back!

Charlene:
Those trees were gorgeous. It reminded me of the Ozarks and home. For some reason the baby was just kicking like crazy.

Suzanne:
Well of course. What'd you expect? It's a little hick.

[Everyone is on a camping trip and eating in a hillbilly joint.]

Suzanne:
Well, Julia? How're you enjoying the culture so far?

Julia:
Suzanne, it just so happens I'm enjoying it fine. It's different, it's interesting. Does anybody notice we're the only people in here having dinner?

Mary Jo:
No, I did notice we're the only people in here who know who Leonard Bernstein is. Not that that's particularly a plus.

JD:
Mary Jo, will you please keep it down.

Mary Jo:
Why, what's wrong?

JD:
What's wrong? Well, uh, if it's all right with you, I'd just as soon not offend anybody over there.

Mary Jo:
Over where?

Julia:
I think he's referring to the Charles Darwin Hall of Fame.

Suzanne:
Charles Darwin . . . used to be our yard man.

Reese:
You all, Let's not be so loud.

Mary Jo:
Oh, for Pete's sake. They're just a bunch of big ol' good hearted country boys. Anyway, I don't think they're exactly gonna get the Charles Darwin joke.

Suzanne:
Well I don't even know why you all are makin' fun of him anyway. I mean, he was an excellent yard man. He used to rinse out all my nylon stockings for a nickel.

Mary Jo:
I tell you something, I think after dinner we girls oughta get ourselves some big ol' toothpicks and just sit back and pick our teeth. What do you men folk think of that? Huh?

JD:
Mary Jo, I'm telling you. You are talking too loud and it's not funny. Now no more beer for you.

Mary Jo:
You better watch your step boy. Don't you be back-talking me in front of my friends. I hate it when my man sasses me, don't you?

Suzanne:
Oh my gosh. I don't believe it.

Julia:
What?

Suzanne:
See that man over there with the hunting cap? You know, with the ear flaps?

Mary Jo:
What'd he do to you? Blow you a hayseed?

JD:
Mary Jo!

Mary Jo:
That's just his way of sayin' hi-dee!

Suzanne:
I don't like the way he's lookin' at me with his eyes.

Charlene:
How's he looking?

Suzanne:
You know . . . Like he's lickin' the back of my neck.

BILL:
I say we pay the bill, leave an incredibly large tip, and get the hell out of here.

Mary Jo:
Oh don't be ridiculous. She thinks everybody is trying to lick the back of her neck.

[A hillbilly family adamantly asks the ladies to dance.]

Suzanne:
Excuse me, I may as well tell you that like Charlene here, I'm a little under the weather myself. You know, PMS.

Daddy Jones:
PM what?

Suzanne:
Female trouble!

Daddy Jones:
Oh, well then maybe you better have a consultation with Nub.

Suzanne:
On second thought, let's boogie.

Julia:
All right. That's it. Now you listen to me, and you listen good. We have had just about as much of you people as we gonna take. I don't know what glacier you stepped out of, but my advice to you is to take yourself and your three slack-jawed sons down to the nearest mental health clinic.

Anthony:
(in a deep disguised voice) Excuse me for just a second will you?... (anthony walks to the door and screams for help) HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!

[After meeting cousin Mavis' husband:
]

Suzanne:
Boy, was he cute! How come you never brought him by before?

Charlene:
Suzanne, they haven't even lived here a year yet.

Julia:
Anyway, what do you care? You sound like you're coveting him.

Suzanne:
"Coveting" — what kind of talk is that? Is that like Shakespeare or something?

[The ladies are set to play the Supremes in a talent show, so in an effort to be more authentic, Suzanne buys everyone dark facial and body makeup.]

Mary Jo:
Suzanne, we can't go around in black face, that's racist!

Suzanne:
Why? If Dustin Hoffman was gonna play Martin Luther King, you don't think he'd wear black makeup?

Julia:
Suzanne, Dustin Hoffman would never play Martin Luther King — that part would go to a black actor.

Suzanne:
Well I think that's racist! I mean, I think it should go to whoever the best person is — and that could be Dustin Hoffman.

[Charlene goes to see her cousin Mavis, who she recently found out is a victim of spousal abuse.]

Charlene:
Mavis, I've been so upset since the other night. I just can't stop thinking about you.

Mavis:
Yeah, I've been thinking about our whole family — how much I miss Mama and Daddy.

Charlene:
They wouldn't want you to live this way.

Mavis:
Y'know it's funny, but I haven't really felt alive in a long time. And I've forgotten what I used to be like. Every once in a while there's this little voice inside that says, "Hey. It's me. It's Mavis. I'm still in here." But basically I've been dead. And then two things happened — this baby and seeing you again.

Charlene:
Then all you have to do it get Ginny, Julie and Kate and come with me now. After the show we'll go back to my house. You can all stay with Bill and me until we can find you an apartment.

Mavis:
I can't afford that.

Charlene:
Mavis, you can't afford not to. There are places you can go for help, but first we have to get you out of here.

Mavis:
I get an allowance! I don't have any money to move into an apartment.

Charlene:
You do now (handing Mavis an envelope). This is from Bill and me, and the other check is from the rest of us for helping us rehearse.

Mavis:
Oh, Charlene. This is too much. I mean, how could they do this? They don't even know me.

Charlene:
That's just the way they are. That's why they're my friends. The fifty dollars is from Anthony.

Mavis:
(starting to cry) I don't know what to say.

Charlene:
Just say you'll do it! Now, Mavis, I have to go. If you won't come with me right now, I'll be at the Arts Center until 11:00. Just get your girls and come. Just take this first step. I will be by your side the whole way.

Mavis:
I'm so ashamed. I don't know how I ever let it get to this point.

Charlene:
It's ok. Just remember, you don't have to take this, cuz we're the rowdy girls, remember?

Mavis:
Yes, I remember.

[Suzanne enters at the talent show in her Supreme dress and in the black makeup...]

Julia:
Suzanne, I can't believe that's actually you in that get-up! I've never been so embarrassed in my life!

Suzanne:
Why? I think I'm the one that looks perfect. It's you that looks silly.

Charlene:
Would you get out there? You are supposed to be on!

Julia:
Wait just a minute. Our number is next, and don't you dare come near us.

Suzanne:
Julia, what are you talkin' about? I have to be with you! I'm a Supreme!

Julia:
Listen, I don't give a damn if you're a California raisin! You stay away from us!

Charlene:
(reading a tabloid) I can't believe this. Did you see this? Droves of vicious killer bees are headed toward the United States. They're from South America, expected to arrive in three to four years. That is terrible. Can you imagine? I'll bet our bees are scared to death.

[Bernice questions as to why Suzanne is in Greece.]

Mary Jo:
We think she's gone to pay her respects to the sacred ground where Jackie O. got her twenty million dollar settlement. And on her way home she'll probably wisk off to New York to have a little meet and greet with Joanna Carson, culminating the international rich bitch alimony tour.

[The ladies try to convince Bernice's niece not to have her committed.]

Mary Jo:
"It seems to me that you've built your entire case around two Dicks and a hat."

Julia:
And just for the record, I think you should know, even if Bernice were crazy, that doesn't necessarily mean she should be put away.

Phyllis:
What are you saying?

Julia:
I'm saying this is the South. And we're proud of our crazy people. We don't hide them up in the attic. We bring 'em right down to the living room and show 'em off. See, Phyllis, no one in the South ever asks if you have crazy people in your family. They just ask what side they're on.

Phyllis:
Oh? And which side are yours on Mrs. Sugarbaker?

Julia:
Both.

Suzanne:
Well, for starters, she didn't wear a top for seven straight days. You know, just any excuse to go around naked and act like you don't speak English. If the sun came out, that top came off. If the sun went in, that top came off. If the moon came up, that top came off. I tell ya, in my whole life, I never been so sick and tired lookin' at one girl's breasts.

[To the judge in chambers...]

Phyllis:
Basically, it isn't just one thing, it's a bunch of odd things that Aunt Bernice does. She puts sheep placenta on her face before going to bed, and she keeps these small dolls in her closet with pins stuck through the necks. And the only picture in her bedroom is not of my sons, instead it's of some big dumb pig and says "May all your dreams come true. Love, Neal."

Suzanne:
Excuse me, that is "Noel", not Neal. I know that pig. I gave her the sheep placenta. My housekeeper gave her the voodoo dolls. I don't see what's weird about that. I have some myself — it's a little hobby, y'know. Some people like golf. Some people like revenge.

Bernice:
And whenever we go to McDonald's, she always wants to know what the fish is like. And I always have to say, "It's square fish, Phyllis. Okay?"

[Julia gets her head stuck in the banister of the Governor's Mansion before the ball and gets bawled out by the mansion manager.]

Suzanne:
You know, I'm sorry but I don't think we like your tone of voice. Who do you think you're talkin' to? For your information, we are the Sugarbaker sisters of Atlanta. We had people living here long before it burned. Our great-great grandfather was Robert E. Lee's roommate in college. Our other grandfather helped write the Georgia Constitution. I myself have stood in the rose garden with Jimmy Carter. So even if we do, on this particular day, happen to have our head temporarily stuck in a fence, we are not going to take any crap off some two-bit, low-level bureaucratic usherette.

Mary Jo:
"Yo, Governor!. Got our head stuck in the fence. Can't get it out. And Miss Betts won't give us a saw!" What's hard to understand?

Suzanne:
I think these pantyhose are too dark for this dress.

Julia:
Oh, my goodness. Suzanne, do something. That could be embarrassing. I mean, in 45 minutes when the finest people in Georgia are gathered here before me, I wouldn't want anyone to say, "Did you see that woman with her head stuck in the staircase? Yes. That woman the Governor just stepped over? Don't you think her pantyhose are a little dark for her dress?"

Suzanne:
Now, listen, I have a lighter pair right here.

Julia:
Suzanne, of all the experiences I would like to avoid, I believe having my pantyhose changed in the front hallway of the Governor's Mansion would rank right up there.

Suzanne:
Well, just excuse me for livin'. It wasn't something I was going to particularly enjoy myself, anyway.

[The ladies head to Japan by plane to visit their mother and pick up Suzanne's new car.]

Suzanne:
I can’t believe first class is full up. We’re back here traveling in coach, we might as well be on a subway.

Suzanne:
And I'll tell you something else. I am not eating octopus, walking around in my stocking feet or takin a bath with my neighbors no matter what those little people say.

Julia:
It's always stimulating to travel with the international voice of racism.

Suzanne:
Where are our seats?

Julia:
I don't know. If history teaches us anything, mine will be next to a baby who smokes.

Julia:
You should sit here. I should sit in the middle.

Suzanne:
It's too late Julia, I called dibs.(to Japanese looking man sitting by the window) Didn't I? Ah, you don't understand. They probably don't have dibs in your country. I just hate traveling to underdeveloped lands.(to Julia) By the way, just what is he doing sitting by the window? Everybody knows I always have to sit by the window. He's sittin' in my seat.(to man by the window) Excuse me! Excuse me! Julia, give me that phrase book. Does it tell you how to say "you just get your little butt out of my window seat right this minute"?

Julia:
[when a flight attendant refuses to tell her the age of the plane they're flying in] What exactly are they supposed to do, wait for a wing to fall off and count the rings?

Julia:
I guess I’m excited about seeing mother again, visiting a totally new country. Of course, seeing Japan with mother will be seeing the "Real Japan".

Suzanne:
Julia, I am just here to visit mother and pick up a car. I do not want to have any cultural experiences. As for seeing the "Real Japan", I’ve noticed that whenever people start talking about seeing the "real" anything, what they’re talking about basically, is hanging around with poor people. Now I say, I don’t hang around with poor people at home, why should I do it on vacation?

[They are stranded in the airport with their money and luggage stolen. Julia makes a phone call:
]

Julia:
You are the American Consulate, aren't you? I mean, I thought you were supposed to give us shelter or something. No! I don't want the number of the Holiday Inn. Okay. That's it. I want your name right now. Carl Lonias. Okay, Carl. I just want you to know, that when I get back to the United States, I will find you again, and you are going to be punished. You can count on it.

[Sam, the guy from the plane, lets the ladies sleep with him in his hotel cubicle.]

Suzanne:
Will you please take your hand off my breast.

SAM:
Hey, I'm sorry.

Suzanne:
Not you. Julia.

Julia:
Suzanne, I'm tired. I've had it. Now I need some place to rest my hand and if you've got something to rest it on, I'm gonna use it. Just be quiet and go to sleep.

Suzanne:
My car fell into the ocean? I can't believe this. It's gone? Everything's gone? Three days of eating garbage out of vending machines and sleeping with a man we don't even know and for what? A car at the bottom of the ocean!

Julia:
(to the car dealer) I'm very sorry. I'm going to need the spelling of your name.

Suzanne:
Well, I left her a note on the windshield.

Julia:
Saying what?

Suzanne:
What I always say in a note when I ding a parked car. "Hi there, I dinged your car. The people watching me write this probably think I'm leaving you my name and address. Signed, Guess Who."

[At the bookstore:
]

Mary Jo:
I don't see it.

Suzanne:
Well, why don't you ask somebody?

Mary Jo:
Like I'm gonna go over to the clerk and yell, "Hey! I'm a desperate, single woman lookin' for a copy of 'How to Trap Myself a Man'."

[Suzanne and Mary Jo cruise the grocery store:
]

Suzanne:
Well, all this stuff's got to go. And may I remind you, Mary Jo, we are not lookin' for men. I'm helping you.

Mary Jo:
Now Suzanne, I need this stuff.

Suzanne:
Mary Jo, men do not come up and talk to a woman who is wheelin' around a 25 pound sack of dog food and a big box of Kotex. I mean, you might as well just top it off with that giant bottle of Milk of Magnesia. What we need to get ya are some seductive groceries, okay? Like a little pate, some chilled wine, flowers.

Mary Jo:
Hey, why don't we just go all the way and fill up the baby seat with beer and contraceptives.

[Suzanne and Mary Jo walk into a class filled with women.]

Suzanne:
Is this the Advanced Auto Mechanics class?

WOMAN:
Yes.

Suzanne:
Oh great.

Mary Jo:
Suzanne.

Suzanne:
I think you must have a curse on you or something, Mary Jo. I could sit in a convent for two minutes and meet a man, but you, you're just poison.

Julia:
Suzanne, it's just human nature. People love to see beautiful women get old or fat.

Suzanne:
All my life I've had to fight my weight, and I admit, food has been my security blanket. But also, I just gain weight more easily than some people, like you... you've always had that tiny waist and those skinny little legs. But I can't be that, and people have always tried to make me be that.

Julia:
Suzanne, you're not alone. I'd be willing to bet most of the people in this country are overweight.

Suzanne:
The point is it's different for women, especially beautiful women. Just look at Elizabeth Taylor. I bet I've seen National Velvet maybe twenty times, and if she never did anything else in her life, what a contribution that was. But all of a sudden because she got fat, it was like she no longer had the right to live in this country. That's how I feel right now. Drugs, alcohol, cancer... whatever your problems, people are sympathetic.....unless you're fat, and then you're supposed to be ashamed. I mean, everything is set up to tell you that; magazine covers, clothes. 'If you're not thin, you're not neat, and that's it.' And if looks are all you've ever had...

Julia:
What do you mean 'If looks are all you ever had'? Suzanne, first of all don't be a dummy. Your looks will never be in the past tense. That face speaks for itself, and it's here to stay. And secondly, even if that weren't so... who cares!

Suzanne:
What do you mean?

Julia:
I mean, you and I are getting pretty far along in life, and I have been able to figure out a couple of things.

Suzanne:
Are you gonna give me the key?

Julia:
Yes, as a matter-of-fact I am. In the end it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you. You have to be exactly who and what you want to be. Most everyone is floating along on phony public relations. People who say being beautiful, or rich or thin makes them happy — people who are trying to make their marriages and their children seem better than they actually are.... and for what?! Appearances. Appearances don't count for diddly! In the end, all the really matter is what was true, and truly said, and how we treated one another. And that's it.

[A shocked Suzanne gets up at her high school reunion to accept the award for 'Person-Most-Changed'.]

Suzanne:
Well, this is quite a surprise. I guess maybe I deserve this award for the Person-Most-Changed, but.... not for the reason you think. Last night I got my feelings hurt because I came to this reunion thinking I was beautiful... and what I find out was that I'm fat... at least you think I am. But that isn't the biggest change in me. The biggest change is that the old Suzanne wouldn't have shown up here tonight. She would've just gotten thin before the next reunion, and then she would have gotten even. But I'm a little older, and I hope a little wiser than that person used to be.

[Julia works the cash register at the Burger Guy.]

Julia:
Anyone can see I don't belong here. I'm just doing the best I can.(calls back the order)

2 Bigs

1 Chick, hold the mayo

2 Large Fry

1 Ring

Pie, Pie

Cookie, 2 Orange and a Java

And one steak; burn it.

Mary Jo:
What have you got in that envelope?

Suzanne:
Charlene's jewelry. Julia just gave it to me. Did you see this dinky little diamond chip[bracelet] he gave her?

Mary Jo:
Suzanne, they're saving for a house.

Suzanne:
Well, I don't care. In a few minutes she's gonna be lying in that delivery room like a big ole zeppelin tied to stirrups, and he gives her a chip... can you believe it?(shortly later on the phone with Bill) Listen, Colonel? Next time you go buying jewelry we gotta talk. I mean, this little diamond chip business isn't gonna get it. That's something you give a six-year-old when she joins the church.

[Suzanne, Mary Jo and Anthony are in the hospital waiting room, where Anthony's Tina Turner-looking date Vanessa is dancing with headphones on.]

Suzanne:
Hey, Anthony, congratulations on your date. She's very classy, very sort of Radcliffey.

Anthony:
I know she isn't exactly what I had in mind, but she does have her good points.

Mary Jo:
She's a good dancer.

Anthony:
Uh-huh, that's right. Anyway, I was probably just gonna take her on home, but now the streets are so bad I don't think we can make it.

Suzanne:
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, she strikes me as the kind of girl who's equally at ease at home, or in a social setting.

[The roads are snowed over, so Bernice calls an ambulance to take her to the hospital when she hears that Charlene is in labor.]

Ambulance Driver:
Did you know that it's a criminal offense to solicit an emergency vehicle under false pretenses?

Bernice:
Do you know that if the Avon lady falls down on your property you have to pay for it?

[It's now Suzanne's turn to dream, and she is dreaming that she, Charlene, Julia, Mary Jo, and Anthony are all infants in the hospital nursery in a giant crib or playpen....]

Baby Mary Jo:
Whaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh

Baby Charlene:
Don't cry, Mary Jo. What's wrong?

Baby Suzanne:
Nothing's wrong. She's just jealous because I was the first baby born after midnite — January One, 1990.

Baby Mary Jo:
I'm not jealous, I'm hungry!! I only weighed in at five pounds.sucks her thumb

Baby Suzanne:
Yeah, like that's a problem. You know you're little and tiny and cute. Of course you're not as cute as some people. Hey where's that mirror-mobile? I like that thing.

Baby Julia:
Suzanne, suck your pacifier.

Baby Suzanne:
Ohh!! A little fussy today aren't we? Well, you're all just jealous because I won the new car. I was the first baby. I won, I won, I won!

Baby Julia:
Suzanne, I am not fussy today. I just don't particularly care for the head nurse. She is so superior! I'm especially tired of her coming in here every five minutes with that thermometer. I'd like to tell her where to stick it.....but apparently she already knows.

Baby Charlene:
Well I think this whole place is great. It's twenty-four hour room service, and look! [She holds up her hospital ID bracelet.] Free jewelry!

Baby Suzanne:
Are you serious?

Baby Charlene:
Yeah, I think it's pretty.

Baby Suzanne:
Well, I'm glad you're developing a taste for cheap bracelets. You're gonna need that later on in life. And by the way, would someone kindly tell me what is he doing here?

Baby Anthony:
Excuse me, but to whom are you referring?

Baby Suzanne:
Oh, well like I'm the only one here who noticed! Hasn't anyone else asked themselves what is wrong with this picture?

Baby Mary Jo:
He's different!

Baby Charlene:
Oh, I know. I especially noticed during the diaper change. He's definitely different.

Baby Anthony:
That's right, very very different. And I'll tell you something else. For some reason, I do not particularly appreciate being put behind these bars. Whaaaaahhhh!! I don't want to be incarcerated anymore! Let me out! I'm busting out of here now!!

Baby Suzanne:
Oh keep your diapers on!! You wouldn't even make it to the hallway.

Baby Anthony:
Well maybe not on my own... but I'm gonna be driving that little car right there.

Baby Suzanne:
Whaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!

Baby Anthony:
I was just gonna borrow it. I'll bring it back.

Baby Suzanne:
You can't take that!! It's my car, I won it. I'm the New Years baby!

Baby Bernice:
Not anymore!! Not anymore!!

Baby Suzanne:
That's my car!! That's my car!!!

[The scene switches back to the waiting room with Suzanne wailing like a baby in her sleep...]

Suzanne:
That's my car!!! Whaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! Slowly she wakes up, with everyone staring at her. What's going on? What's happening?

Bernice:
First you fell asleep. Then you made a fool of yourself.

Mary Jo:
What the heck is that stuff?

Suzanne:
It's rice cakes. I started my diet last night.

Mary Jo:
You put jelly on them?

Suzanne:
Yes. Do you have a problem with that?

Mary Jo:
You've been on a diet for 12 hours and already you're this cranky?

Suzanne:
Yes. As a matter of fact, after work I'll probably be crashing my car into a Taco Bell. What's it to you?

Mary Jo:
Nothing. I just hate it when you're on a diet.

Suzanne:
Yeah, that's because you're little and tiny and cute. You never have to eat stuff like rice cakes. I oughta just cram this down your throat.

Suzanne:
I know the name of every man in this city who has money. I know the names of the men who are thinking about having money. As a matter of fact, I even know the names of little boys who are good at playing Monopoly. So don't be telling me about the men who have money in Atlanta, okay?

Suzanne:
Oh, Charlene, that reminds me. I saw two things on TV I gotta tell you about. Now first one is, there was a segment on the news about that league of breast feeding people you like so much, you know, La Leaky.

Charlene:
Suzanne, it's La Leche.

Suzanne:
Oh, well. Whatever.

[The ladies debate whether or not to take a job decorating for their client's mistress.]

Suzanne:
I just hate men who think they can have their cake and eat it too. As a matter of fact, I just hate anyone who eats cake.

Suzanne:
. . . Julia are you kiddin'? If Reese Watson even thought of having a mistress, the very least you would do is blow up his car and burn his apartment to the ground.

Suzanne:
Well I just can't believe she's keeping us waiting so long. I mean, I have better things to do with my time than sitting around waiting for some concubine to fall outta bed. I mean, I could be home watching Green Acres.

Mary Jo:
Suzanne --

Suzanne:
WHAT?

Mary Jo:
I think it's time for you to suck on some more sugarless candy.

[The mistress asks "big, black, beautiful buck" Anthony if she can sculpt him.]

Julia:
All right, that's it. Look, Ms. Langford.

Gaby:
Please, call me Gaby.

Julia:
No, I won't call you Gaby. You haven't taken the time to learn any of our names.

Gaby:
Well, that's not so. I know Anthony.

Julia:
That's right, you do. First you kept us waiting for 35 minutes. And then when you decided you were bored enough to come downstairs, the only thing you've acted the least bit interested in is seducing our delivery man.

Gaby:
Seducing? If that's what you think I was doing, then obviously you don't have the artistic sensibility required to work with me.

Julia:
No, Ms. Langford. What I don't have that's required to work with you is patience.

Charlene:
Julia --

Julia:
Because quite frankly, I find you rude, horny, lazy and dumb.

Suzanne:
Big, black beautiful buck. Hmph. I'm just gonna call the NAACP and turn her name in. I mean, that's a racial slur if I ever heard one.

Mary Jo:
And you oughta know.

Mary Jo:
Suzanne?

Suzanne:
What?

Mary Jo:
Suck candy.

Suzanne:
I'm serious, Julia. I do not want you to get up on your soap box about this one. Otherwise, I might have to point out to everyone that you own a fur coat yourself. You know what I'm referring to.

Julia:
Mother's mink? Suzanne, you know I never wear that. It's a family heirloom. It was grandmother's, for heaven's sake. It's just a souvenir of someone we loved.

Suzanne:
Maybe. All I'm saying is . . . you own a mink. So, speaking of big steel-jawed traps . . . you can just keep yours shut.

[Suzanne walks down the runway in the fur pullover jacket.]

Protestor:
Fifty living creatures died for that coat!

Suzanne:
Wanna make it fifty-one?

Protestor:
How does it feel to have a corpse on your back?

Suzanne:
Oh shut up!

Mary Jo:
Queen of the snappy comebacks strikes again.

[Suzanne's arm is sprained and she is trapped in the fur coat.]

Suzanne:
Oh really? Well let me tell you something, Miss P.A.A.A. . . . I am wearing this fur coat to sleep in. I have been wearing this fur coat 24 hours a day for a week. And you know why? Because my arm is sprained, and I can't lift it over my head! The doctors wanted to cut it off of me. But naturally, I couldn't let 'em. I mean after all, they're doctors, not tailors. Doctors should stick to cutting up things like hearts and livers, not important things like fur coats. So I have been stuck inside this thing. Do you know what it means to wear a fur coat 24 hours a day for a week? It's hot. It's bulky, and it's starting to smell. I can't go outside because dogs follow me around, and I'm not happy. I don't want to see a fur coat for the rest of my life. I don't want to see fur, I don't want to hear fur, I don't even want to open the refrigerator and see some old food with fur on it.

Julia:
Hanging up the phone Well, that's it. There are two million people in this city, and apparently we are the first ones to ever come up with the notion of renting a van after 5 o'clock in the evening.

Charlene:
Why don't you try this one — Krazy Joe's Junkers. He's crazy, so maybe he stays open later.

Julia:
That's who I was just talking to.

Charlene:
Really? Julia, you called a guy named Krazy Joe?

Julia:
Yes, Charlene. That is how desperate I am. I telephoned a man who not only calls himself Krazy Joe, but he spells crazy with a 'K' and prints the 'Z' backwards — a man who's based his entire business career on the theme of illiteracy.

Charlene:
What are we going to do? Anthony is stuck out there on the 285 in the pouring rain with that awful Mrs. Fricke and all her furniture.

Suzanne:
Well I know what to do. It's real simple too. We call the police and tell them that Anthony is an escape convict who's stolen a load of antiques and taken a white woman hostage. They'll just rush right down here with one of those big ol' paddywagons and pick Anthony up — probably even deliver the furniture.

[Anthony calls from a waffle house, as Charlene relays the conversation to the ladies]

Julia:
Where is Mrs. Fricke?

Charlene:
She's in the van still stuck on the highway. (to Anthony) I bet she's mad. I mean, I hate to criticize, but even on a good day she's kind of cranky. (to the ladies) He says she's in a good mood.

Mary Jo:
Gee. Maybe we should have stuck her out on the freeway in a leaky van a long time ago.

Charlene:
What? He says she's happy because this is her last furniture shipment and if it's not delivered by midnight tonight her entire job is free.

Julia:
Where would she get a bizarre idea like that?

Suzanne:
I saw it on a pizza ad.

Mary Jo:
Great, Suzanne. Why don't you just give away free pepperoni on the sofas?!

Suzanne:
There! You see? That shows how good you'd be at sales because that wouldn't work at all. You people act like it's just so easy for me to hustle up business for this place, like I've just got to stand on the corner and go "Hey! Drapes and coffee tables!" and people just come running. Well you're wrong. I have to flirt, I have to deal, I have to lie, and sometimes I even have to threaten. THAT is called SALES. It's not pretty. I am, but it's not.

Charlene:
Suzanne, I can't believe you did that. That is thousands and thousands of dollars. We can't afford to pay for all that stuff.

Suzanne:
Hey, I sell stuff — I'm the front-end person. You're supposed to deliver it — you're the rear-end people.

Julia:
(to the car dealer after Charlene admits they're desperate) Well, I'm glad that came out, yes I am. You know how badly we need the van, and that's fine, because I like to deal honestly and fairly. Now...we're a group of nuns and we need the van to transport blind orphans....

Julia:
Ok, we're about to run out of time, so I'm going to be blunt. Suzanne, it does not further negotiations to have you popping your cleavage on that man's desk.

Suzanne:
I think it furthers things just fine. I had him confused.

Julia:
You certainly did. Everytime he looked at your chest, we had to listen to that story again about the summer he worked on the dairy farm.

Suzanne:
Well excuse me for taking charge of the situation. You all weren't doing very well, and I am the expert in this area. When it comes to taking something from a man, I know what I'm doing. I wish you two would stop undermining my plans.

Julia:
Suzanne, we have already seem Plan A and Plan B — you can just put them away now.

Julia:
Good morning, Suzanne. Did you speak to Tika Ford?

Suzanne:
Yes I did — had breakfast with her at the club, and she marked the tear sheet she wanted. Oh, and Julia, she wants to know how you liked the birthday present she sent you.

Julia:
Oh, please. Nancy Reagan's book.

Suzanne:
Well she said it was a gag gift.

Julia:
Well it certainly made me gag.

[The ladies are discussing motherhood while Suzanne is busy writing a letter.]

Charlene:
You know, it's interesting. I always thought of the four of us as being pretty much the same, but in terms of kids we couldn't be more different. I mean, I've got a brand new baby, and Mary Jo's daughter is about to finish high school, and(gesturing to Suzanne) you haven't even started yet.

Suzanne:
I beg your pardon. What exactly is it that I haven't "started"?

Charlene:
You want to have kids someday, don't ya?

Suzanne:
Charlene, I don't know! It's not the kind of question I ask myself — not like those women who hang around expensive restaurants whining about my "biological clock". I assure you if I ever decide I did want a baby, I would do it instantly with a minimum of fuss and muss.

[Suzanne meets the girls at the bowling shoe rental counter...]

Clerk:
What size are you?

Suzanne:
What business is it of yours?! I'm eating rice cakes already, what do you people want from me?! Just lay off!

Charlene:
Suzanne, she meant your shoe size.

Suzanne:
(embarrassed) Oh! Hehe. Six and a half.

Clerk:
Great. There you go. Just leave yourshoes with me.

Suzanne:
I beg your pardon?

Clerk:
We keep your shoes so you don't walk out with the rented ones.

Suzanne:
Do you really think that I'm going to give up my brand new Maude Frizons so that I can walk out of here wearing these multi-colored clown shoes stained with the sweat of sixty-thousand poor people? Because if that's what you're worried about, let me just say, don't worry about it.

Suzanne:
Well, I don't know why Charlene insists on nursing this baby. It's like some kind of epidemic. Everywhere I go, anytime of the day or night, I see all these women whipping themselves out and acting like public fillin' stations. I mean, they act like just cause there's a baby attached, it's not a breast anymore. Could you see me unleashing one of these outdoors? All hell would break loose.

[Having recently had a baby and feeling like nothing but a big exhausted mother blob, Charlene takes a meeting with a client...]

Mary Jo:
So how'd it go?

Charlene:
I fell asleep.

Mary Jo:
When?

Charlene:
I'm not sure. I think it was right after we said hello and shook hands.

Julia:
How long did you sleep?

Charlene:
I think about 15 minutes. We were sitting on his sofa in his office talking about putting levalors on the windows, and I just sort of nodded off. Sometime after that he woke me up... apparently I was snoring.

Mary Jo:
... and then what happened?

Charlene:
I started crying.

Suzanne:
You started crying?

Charlene:
Well, yeah... cuz I looked down and while I'd been asleep I'd gotten these great big wet milk spots on the front of my blouse.

Suzanne:
Oh my lord!!

Charlene:
It was just so humiliating.

Suzanne:
Oh my lord!!

Julia:
(angrily) Suzanne.

Charlene:
And then I just jumped up real quick and put on my coat.

Suzanne:
The one with the baby spit on it?

Charlene:
That's right. And thank you for telling me, Suzanne. I didn't notice 'til I'd gotten there.

Mary Jo:
And then you left?

Charlene:
... and that's when I fell flat on my face in the reception area.

Julia:
I don't think I want to hear anymore.

Charlene:
I probably wouldn't have fallen except that I'd put my pantyhose on so twisted this morning I've been walking like John Wayne all day. Then my purse came open... and y'know I had that box of baby suppositories in there. They just flew everywhere. There I was, on my hands and knees, wet, sobbing, mascara running down my face, my pantyhose twisted, trying to gather up all these little white firecrackers... ...y'know. Two of the secretaries had to lift me off the floor and help me to my car. Or maybe they were throwing me out... I don't know. I never looked back.

Mary Jo:
I guess we have been sorta tacky today.

Charlene:
Which I don't understand because basically, we're very nice girls.

Mary Jo:
Yeah. But we don't talk half as bad as men do. Men say things like, "Yeah, I'm gonna go out and get me some tonight."

Julia:
Mary Jo. I don't know any men who say that.

Charlene:
Oh yeah. Reese talks like that all the time.

[Suzanne convinces Anthony to pretend to be her maid Consuela to fool immigration.]

Charlene:
I wonder what's keeping Anthony and Suzanne.

Julia:
Charlene, are you serious? A six foot black man dressed like Hazel just left here with Suzanne, his co-conspirator to defraud and deceive the United States government, and you're wondering what's keeping them? Well, it's been three and a half hours. I don't think you have to wonder anymore. I think it's pretty obvious. They are in prison.

[Suzanne enters followed by Vanessa. Vanessa is carrying a box.]

Vanessa:
Is he here?

Charlene:
Hi, no. He's still at the school. Did you find him a present?

Vanessa:
Yeah, yeah. Suzanne's helped me pick it out. It was expensive, but my man's only gonna graduate college once.

[Vanessa opens the box...]

Charlene:
Oh, Vanessa. That looks gorgeous.

Mary Jo:
It sure is.

Suzanne:
Did somebody eat my rice cakes?

Charlene:
Well, I might've had one last night.

Suzanne:
You might have? Charlene, it seems to me either you did or you didn't.

Charlene:
All right, I did!

Suzanne:
You know, it is funny to me that you people can eat anything in the world... cookies, bread, potato chips, entire sides of beef. I, on the other hand, have been reduced to some tasteless low cal. fish saliva, and yet for some reason you still feel compelled to come over here and chow down on it.

Charlene:
I'm sorry!

Suzanne:
Well you oughta be.

[Suzanne tells everyone that she's planning on taking them to an elegant spa, La Place san Souci]

Suzanne:
I'm taking y'all to la place san sucky.

[Everyone is driving home from a spa from which the ladies were asked to leave after getting into a hellacious cat fight in the mudbath, and Anthony is still wounded from getting shot by Suzanne during the previous episode.]

Julia:
But then again, I suppose in my heart I always knew that someday we would end up like this. I mean, well, it's kind of fitting isn't it? Here we are going down the highway into the dark Georgia night. Four aging Southern belles — war-torn hair, dirty faces — a nanny, a baby, and a crippled black man.