House, Season 7

[Wilson is knocking on the door.]

Cuddy:
Just let him in.

House:
No! He's like a stray... he'll eat everything, shed all over the place, and crap on the floor.

House:
[Answers cell phone] Hi, this is Gregory House. I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave a message. If this is Wilson, I'm fine. Not suicidal. Not on drugs. Coping very well with the loss of my last patient. So feel free to go about your day without worrying. Beeeeep.

Wilson:
[both outside House's door and on cell phone] House, you can't just NOT show up to work. What's Cuddy going to say?

House:
If this is still Wilson, she gave me the day off and tomorrow. [Cuddy glares at him.] Okay, maybe not tomorrow, but today. I'm fine. Now go away! ...........beeeeeeeep.

Thirteen:
So you gonna ask me about this Huntington's trial? And by ask I mean give me your opinion.

Chase:
No. There's one thing, though....will you have sex with me?

Thirteen:
...what?

Chase:
Well, this trial means you're leaving right away. I was playing a long game. Deadlines have been moved up.

Cuddy:
I really do have to leave.

House:
I know.

Cuddy:
Then what's the problem?

House:
This isn't going to work.

Cuddy:
....that's it? You can't just say that and shut up.

House:
It's just a statement of fact, it's not a debatable proposition.

Cuddy:
Right...because you can see the future.

House:
No, but I can see the past and you're going to remember all the horrible things I've done and try to convince yourself that I've changed and I'm going to start doing those horrible things again because I haven't changed...then you'll realize that I'm an insane choice for someone who has a kid. And from there it's a short step to the inevitable conclusion that all of this...was a mistake. Tell me any of that isn't true.

Cuddy:
The only time you're afraid is when you're happy. You just don't expect it to last.

House:
'Cause it doesn't.

Cuddy:
You don't know that.

House:
I've done horrible things to you. And I'll do horrible things again, to you. Because of one stupid moment with a dying girl in a pile of rubble, you think I can change. Tell me where I'm wrong.

Cuddy:
I don't want you to change. I know you're screwed up. I know you are always going to be screwed up. But you're the most incredible man I've ever known. You are always going to be the most incredible man I have ever known. So, unless you're breaking up with me, I am going home now.

[She kisses him goodbye and gets up to leave, to be held back by House grabbing her hand.]

House:
I love you.

[After Cuddy gives House a kiss in front of Wilson to confirm House's claims to him]

Wilson:
I've been more passionate with my great-aunt.

House:
Mabel? Up high!

[A brief pause after House holds up his right hand. Cuddy grabs his crotch with a surprised look from Wilson.]

Cuddy:
We done here?

[Wilson nods and she leaves.]

House:
She didn't even ask me to cough. [To Cuddy] I think you straightened out my limp.

Taub:
And you're not worried you're being selfless to the point of self-denial?

Della:
You've never been inspired by someone?

Wilson:
What happened?

House:
She said 'yes' and I heard 'no'. I didn't actually hear 'no', but I just was sure that's what she meant. The way she tilted her head and half arched her eyebrow. What do I even care what she meant? She said 'yes', that's all that matters. ....I'm screwing this up.

Cuddy:
HR can't find you a new supervisor.

House:
How come?

Cuddy:
Because you're unsuperviseable, House. Two department chairs threatened to quit.

Hugo:
[To his sister Della, the patient] You do so many great things. I just watch. I get to watch and coach and cheer. That's not me out there. It never will be. If you take this piece of me, carry it with you, then I really can share everything you do. THIS is the great thing I can do with my life. Don't make me live without you.

House:
We're fine. Never seen her happier.

Wilson:
Yeah? How about you?

House:
I'm worried.

Wilson:
Because she's happy?

House:
No. Because I am.

Wilson:
House, that's...

House:
Ironic? Weird? Crazy?

Wilson:
I was going to say normal.

Foreman:
So we're taking this case because you are a fan?

House:
No, that would be crazy and unprofessional. You're taking this case because I said so.

House:
I've been busy.

Cuddy:
Doing what?

House:
You.

House:
We need to make her cooperate. We have to offer her something she wants.

Foreman:
She wants to kill herself, House.

House:
...I can work with that.

Cuddy:
You used a 3 million dollar piece of hospital equipment so you could read a novel?

House:
Cool, right?

Cuddy:
Well, as your girlfriend, I'm impressed. As your boss, you're a jackass. Don't do it again.

House:
As your boyfriend, I thank you. As your employee, I resent you because I need this for my case.

Cuddy:
As your boss, you just got six more clinic hours next week.

Chase:
Oh, and she's not like Cameron.

House:
True. Cameron had much smaller breasts. By which I mean she was smarter.

House:
So this time I'm gonna put you at ease. It's just you and ol' Doc House. A couple of pals chittin' the chat.

Chase:
Why not just place a chair above a trap door with a shark tank underneath?

House:
Wednesday is when I get my shark tank cleaned.

Kelly:
Normal EKG. No osler nodes.

House:
Right, Dr. Kelly!

Chase:
Kelly's her first name.

House:
What's your point, Dr. Robert?

Chase:
[to Foreman] So who gives a crap if I prepped her?

Foreman:
Uh, House. And that's just off the top of my head.

Chase:
Why are you doing this? You trying to make me look bad so you look better… or you don't like her, or you're angry at me? What?

Foreman:
We hire someone unqualified, it's just dead weight we'll all be pulling. Me especially.

Chase:
You especially why?

Foreman:
What do you mean why? Because I'm...

Chase:
You're what? You're my boss or something?

Foreman:
Something like.

Chase:
So that's what it is. You're angry that House gave me the chance to hire someone because you still think you're at a different level to everyone else. That's just pathetic.

Foreman:
I am at a different level.

Chase:
Which is reflected in what, exactly? Your title? No. Your salary? Not really. Your responsibilities? Hardly. Your attitude? Ah. I think we finally found it.

Foreman:
It doesn't change the fact that you made a bad decision because you want to get laid.

Chase:
Or the fact that you're courageously picking on Kelly because you're scared to take on House. Congratulations. You're a real leader.

House:
You know what, I'm back to the Cameron theory. That you hired the dumb version of Cameron so that you could fire her and get revenge.

Foreman:
Give her a break.

House:
Oh, you've switched sides? Let me guess, Chase represents the dumb version of Thirteen…

Foreman:
I realized if we all just keep pressuring Kelly, of course she's gonna get stuff wrong. It's irresponsible of me to let that happen.

House:
You are a true leader of men.

Wilson:
[to House] You told me you gave them your credit card...

House:
And you were dumb enough to believe me. [Wilson walks into the house and sees Rachel. House picks up his jacket] Cuddy'll be back in an hour and ten minutes, I'll be back in an hour and five.

Wilson:
[follows House to the door] Ohhh, no, you don't.

House:
Oh, yes, I do.

Wilson:
You're not gonna leave the kid?

House:
Yes, I am. [begins putting on his coat] 'Cause unlike you, I don't have a conscience.

Wilson:
[tries to get past House to the door] And unlike you, I'm not having sex with Cuddy, so I actually can leave.

Taub:
So what do you guys think of Dr. Cheng?

Chase:
Best treatment for a vascular malformation is surgery. And I think your wife thinks you shouldn't think anything of Dr. Cheng.

Taub:
[to Chase] So, what was that shrug? A "Dr.-Cheng-could-work" shrug? Or a "House-is-gonna-crush-you-for-even-considering-her" shrug? [Chase shrugs again] You suck.

Chase:
House is gonna hate anyone we hire, because he doesn't want to hire [gesticulates wildly] ...anyone.

Taub:
So you think I should abstain? Just give the decision back to him?

Chase:
Then he'll just mock you for being a wuss. You're screwed.

Wilson:
Hey, hey, hey! You are not going to pin this on me. Rachel needs to be monitored for 24 hours to see that the dime passes. You know, just to make sure she doesn't die.

House:
You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out a window?!

Wilson:
[to House] If Rachel wakes up, she's gonna tell Cuddy everything.

House:
She's two! Last night, she was whining about the giant moose that lives outside her window.

House:
[to Cuddy] Just because my sausage has been filling your bun doesn't mean you get to decide what flavor chips I nosh on during the day.

Cuddy:
Nope, I get to do that because I'm your boss.

House:
Black guy campaigning for the opposition? Does Obama know about this?

Dr. Foreman:
I tried calling him on the brotha hotline. He didn't pick up.

House:
Say something brilliant.

Masters:
Oh, I, I don't...

House:
Capital of Azerbaijian?

Masters:
Baku.

House:
Year Beethoven died?

Masters:
1827.

House:
Twentieth decimal of Eulier's Number?

Masters:
Six. [giggles] It's my favorite constant.

House:
She's like the Internet with breasts. Oh, no, wait--the Internet has breasts.

House:
How mad would you be if I fired Masters?

Dr. Cuddy:
Very. Unless you had cause. Real cause. Cause that a human being would consider cause.

House:
Never mind, then.

Dr. Cuddy:
You'll figure something out. The two of you have a combined IQ north of 300.

House:
That's also true of five morons.

House:
Why aren't you guys in my office?

Foreman:
Why are you in the building? It's 8:00 in the morning.

House:
Where's Chase?

Taub:
He's not here because it's 8:00 in the morning.

Chase:
[to House] We just tried this. I'm not a better liar than Foreman.

House:
Sure you are. You're descended from convicts.

Chase:
Your Jedi mind tricks won't work here.

House:
[gesture with his hand] Those are not the droids you're looking for.

Masters:
[to House] You don't trust me.

House:
Going behind your back works better when you're not facing us.

Masters:
Julie doesn't have smallpox.

House:
Did I just dream the part where I finally agreed it was smallpox? Well, if what I thought was reality was actually a dream, then the reverse... oh, my God, I had a threesome with Beyonce and Lady Gaga.

Marisa:
You don't believe in God?

House:
I did. Then I grew my curly hairs.

House:
Causal determinism; we are hard-wired to need answers. A caveman who heard a rustle in the bushes, checked out to see what it was lived longer than the guy who assumed it was just a breeze. The problem is, when we don't find a logical answer, we settle for a stupid one. Ritual is what happens when we run out of rational.

House:
Classic Neurohecatia. Two days of anticholinergics, you'll be walking out of here.

Ramon:
Really?

House:
No. I just made that up to see your reaction. Diagnostic test. This is awesome. 33-year-old carpenter presenting with narcissism, delusions of grandeur, hallucinations.

Taub:
He hasn't had hallucinations.

House:
I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about "him" with a capital "o-m-g."

Chase:
You want us to do a differential diagnosis on Jesus?

Masters:
Hears voices, thinks he's the son of God. Probably Schizophrenic.

Ramon:
Faith is not a disease.

House:
No, of course not. On the other hand, it is communicable, and it kills a lot of people.

House:
The point is to suffer like your savior did, right? Well, he didn't take myrrh, the Tylenol of ancient Rome. And his nails went through his wrists, not through his palms; palms are for sissies. What about the 39 lashes and the beatings and the crown of thorns? What you go through is closer to a bad manicure than a crucifixion.

Masters:
You're smiling. Does that mean that you're comfortable with your choice? Or that you're afraid? Because this may be your only hope.

Ramon:
You can prescribe a lot of things, but hope isn't one of 'em.

House:
Sticking by your convictions and damning the consequences. You two have a lot in common. You're both idiots.

House:
[to Cuddy] I've been an idiot. I got this argument stuck in my head. If everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and believe. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith. [pause] I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again.

Wilson:
You have to go. Your girlfriend's birthday? It's not even a question.

House:
She has one every year. How often do you break up with the love of your life? Okay, for you, it's more often than most, but still...

Wilson:
I'm a big boy. I think I'll survive.

Masters:
Why is your assumption of his guilt more valid than my assumption of his selflessness?

House:
Because my assumption is backed up by millions of men, and Taub, who cheated on their wives.

Arlene:
I wish that you would take a second look. I'm tired all the time, and when it's cold I get this weird pain in my shoulder.

House:
I have a pain in my leg. You don't hear me complaining... except for just now.

Arlene:
How do doctors get this idea you're better than everyone else?

House:
Probably all that pulling people back from the brink of death, it's just a guess.

Arlene:
My own daughter is a doctor. She makes a hobby of dismissing my concerns.

House:
She sounds smart.

Arlene:
Did she tell you to say that?

House:
I've never met your daughter.

Arlene:
That's hard to believe, since you're currently shtupping her.

Masters:
Jack has an infection that's spread to his mastoid.

House:
Great. We'll confirm that in a week, when your secret cultures have sprouted.

Masters:
Am I in trouble?

House:
I only get mad when you waste my time. Couldn't care less about yours. But let me know when they come back negative, and I'll mock you.

Cuddy:
Wilson.

House:
It's uh, bowling night. He'll never forgive me if I don't. Oh, screw it. I'm coming.

Cuddy:
No, no. no. I am not going to be responsible for that. You drugged the man, you go bowling with him.

House:
Well, my chances of sex are considerably lower with Wilson.

Masters:
[about Driscoll] Military history. In suspiciously good shape for his age. Makes a living bullying kids. I'm thinking… steroids?

House:
Fascinating.

Masters:
[smiles] Thanks. We can wean him off...

House:
Steroids isn't fascinating, it's moronic. There's no other sign of hormonal imbalance. What's fascinating is that you equate discipline with bullying. Which means that your parents either disciplined you too much or too little. I'm guessing too little.

Foreman:
[about Masters] She's brilliant, but new to the real world.

House:
How do you cheat on a test when there's no test?

Wilson:
Sorry, not playing. [gets up, grabs his lab coat, and leaves his office with House following behind him.] Go away, House. [puts on his lab coat while walking] I am not giving you advice just so you can distort it to suit your own warped world view.

House:
But it's been working so well. Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood Preschool. The problem is, Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich.

Wilson:
And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice.

House:
Cuddy cares about her. Which means When Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. And as the boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive, consoling...

Wilson:
Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine.

House:
Play date being their code for way to weed out the paste sandwiches. They'll hand her puzzles and counting games, and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces. [gets an idea and turns & walks off]

Wilson:
Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker!

[Foreman calls House on his cell phone as House is at a playground]

Foreman:
House, where are you?

House:
Playground. Great place to meet chicks. Their moms too.

Chase:
Everywhere you looked, gingham and stuffed animals.

Taub:
How did you get out of there?

Chase:
I didn't… right away. Wasn't anything wrong with her physically.

Taub:
One down, two members of the threesome to go. You should flip a condom to choose.

[House and his team are watching television in the morgue]

Masters:
[whispers] Is no one going to tell me.. [House shushes her as he watches television] Why we're in the morgue?

Chase:
House is on the lam from someone. Taub's got his money on Wilson, but I'm pretty sure it's Cuddy.

Foreman:
Fool's bet. There's a whole world of angry patients, creditors…

Taub:
You bugged the room?

House:
I absolutely, without apology, will admit that someone may have allegedly done so.

Taub:
Am I a horrible person? I used to win awards for volunteer work. I went to Guatemala and fixed cleft palates. Now we're sitting back letting Chase do our dirty work.

Foreman:
We're doing the right thing. Stay out of it.

Taub:
I don't know. I don't know about anything anymore. Then this thing with the kid, Rachel's brother...

Foreman:
Stay out of that too. A: radiologists — experts, unlike you — said no bleed. B: you yourself said it's probably not. C: you've got no doctor-patient relationship. D: you'll lose your consulting job. E: your ex will kill you. F: I'm running out of alphabet here.

Cuddy:
I asked you before why you were tough on me.

Arlene:
I wasn't.

Cuddy:
You were. And I know why. You see something in me that you didn't see in Julia and you didn't see in you — a type of ambition, a type of brains. That's why you rode me. You made me yearbook editor, summa undergrad, A.O.A. in med school. The only time I ever see light in your eyes is when you hear me talking about my job. The reason you keep coming to see me in the clinic is because you trust me. You trust my medical judgment. So here it is. If you transfer to Princeton General, you'll be treated well, and you'll die. If you stay here with House, you'll be treated badly, but you'll live. I don't care if I have to slash the tires of every ambulance in this bay, Mom. I am not letting you leave my hospital.

House:
Once again, you are unfired.

Masters:
Why?

House:
You sold me out even though you knew that you were gonna get thrown out of med school. That's just… kind of impressive.

Masters:
I keep my job if I stand up to you. I keep it if I don't. I… don't buy it.

House:
When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. She's now protecting a boyfriend. The hospital's not gonna put up with that for long. So I need you to protect me from doing something Cuddy will regret.

House:
Picture a door. Unlocked with the key of the mind. Two medical cases, both more fascinating than the last.

Masters:
That actually makes no logical sense.

House:
This is not a door to logical sense. Also, shut up.

Masters:
What about a tutor?

Taub:
I don't need a tutor.

House:
Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hard-ass.

Taub:
Foreman.

House:
Interesting. You must be more worried than you look.

Taub:
I'm totally fine. I aced my first pathology boards.

Foreman:
Medicine's come a long way in the last hundred years.

Foreman:
You're nothing but excuses and distractions.

Taub:
Well, it's a nice match with your condescension and superiority.

Foreman:
Why are you giving me these?

House:
Because, while they're off running all these tests, you will be submitting the insurance forms.

Foreman:
There's an entire department for that.

House:
Exactly. The Foreman Department. Of which you are the foreman, Foreman.

House:
Any questions?

Alex:
[raises his arm] What's a vibrator?

Sophie:
Isn't that like sexual harassment?

House:
Not if you are good-looking.

[after House tells the class about the lung]

Sophie:
How is that even possible?

House:
That's what she said. [after noticing that the class keeps looking at him] No, she did literally say that.

Masters:
[flashback] How is that even possible?

House:
Who password protects a computer they keep in a locked desk in a locked office?

Masters:
Someone who works with someone who thinks it's okay to break into other people's homes.

Cuddy:
I just need some time alone.

House:
Because I used your toothbrush?!

Cuddy:
And you didn't take out the trash.

House:
That's insane. You know that, right?

Cuddy:
You do whatever you want. Always.

House:
I said I was sorry! I was still half asleep. I wasn't paying attention!

Cuddy:
And you're always right. And not only do always think you're right. But you are actually always right, because that's all that matters.

House:
That doesn't even make sense. What, you want me to be wrong?

Cuddy:
I want you to care about more than just what you want. What you think. You need me, House. And you may even love me, but you don't care about me, and I deserve someone who does.

Ms. Fields:
Dr. House, can I ask you a question? Are you insane or just stupid?

House:
Is there a third option?

Fields:
Actually, I don't think there is.

House:
I'm sorry. I just wasn't thinking. I mean, I was, but only about myself, which is apparently the way I am. Usually. Not always. I need to convince someone of that.

Fields:
And you think you can do that by getting someone to pull strings to get her daughter into our pre-school. I spoke to Sanford Wells.

House:
You can call the police. You can turn me in for lying at the accident.

Fields:
I'm sure Mr. Dryden has already taken care of that.

House:
Let her daughter in. She's a great kid and Dr. Cuddy is a great mom. They'll fit in perfectly here.

Fields:
And how exactly does admitting her daughter prove how unselfish you are? It seems like you're still doing it to help yourself, not anyone else.

House:
I don't know. I just know that I need to do something. I need her in my life. Do you know what it's like to actually need someone?

Fields:
Yes. I do. But I also know what it's like to have responsibilities. Maybe it's time you grew up.

Cuddy:
House! I assume you're avoiding me because of the charity gala.

House:
This Friday? It's completely slipped my mind.

Cuddy:
So you'll be there?

House:
No, I meant it slipped my mind to tell you I'm not going.

Cuddy:
What do you think it'll look like if you don't show up when I get an award?

House:
Like I don't give a crap about awards, charities, what it looks like.

Cuddy:
If you ever want…

House:
I RSVPed two days ago. What, you think I'm a complete ass?

Cuddy:
If you were already going, why did you…

House:
Foreplay.

Foreman:
Are you wearing my tie?

Taub:
Oh, I saw it in your closet, and it happened to match my shirt.

Foreman:
Why were you in my closet?

Taub:
Looking for a tie. What's the big deal?

House:
Obviously, he wants you out of the closet for some reason. I suspect marriage, but I'm liberal that way.

Wilson:
Looking forward to Friday night?

Cuddy:
Yes and no. Yes, because it is a great honor, and no because… Well, you know the because.

Wilson:
You think House is going to embarrass you.

Cuddy:
Well, not intentionally. [glances at Wilson] Maybe intentionally.

Masters:
Do you even like me?

Chase:
Why?

Masters:
I put making friends and having relationships on hold so I could concentrate on studying. I always thought there'll be plenty of time for that in the future. But… now when I do want them… I can't even get a date to this charity event. If I can't establish relationships in my personal life, how will I ever do it with a patient?

Chase:
Be honest with her. But if it comes down to a choice between the brutal truth and hope: side with hope.

House:
[knocks repeatedly on Cuddy's door until she opens it] We really, really need to talk.

Cuddy:
You're drunk and you screwed up big time. Go home! [House walks in, Cuddy closes the door] You completely disappeared on me! You wouldn't even answer your cell phone.

House:
You're going to want to sit down for this. [motions toward the sofa] Go ahead. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. I have made a decision. Being happy and being in love with you makes me a crappy doctor.

Cuddy:
Shut up. You're too drunk to end this relationship.

House:
I am drunk, and I'm also right. You have made me a worse doctor, and people are going to die because of that. [long pause] And you are totally worth it. If I had to choose between saving everyone or loving you and being happy, I choose you. I choose being happy with you. I will always choose you. [sits in the sofa, lays his head down in Cuddy's lap]

Cuddy:
Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap outta me?

House:
Set an alarm and everything.

Cuddy:
It's like dating a ten-year-old.

House:
God, I hope not.

[In a sitcom style similar to Two and a Half Men. Applause; knock on door]

Wilson:
I'll get it!

House:
[off screen] That better be her.

[Wilson opens the door. A police officer and a little girl wearing flannel with a stripe of pink in her hair are standing in the hallway. The audience oohs.]

Wilson:
Rachel Cuddy, you were supposed to be home half an hour ago.

Rachel:
Don't blame me; he's the one who wouldn't run any red lights.

[The audience laughs. The police officer walks Rachel inside the apartment.]

Officer:
The mouth on that kid makes Mel Gibson sound like Nelson Mandela. Where'd she learn that?

[House enters blowing a bubble with gum. The audience cheers wildly.]

House:
I don't know why you're here, but I didn't do it.

Wilson:
What's the problem, officer?

Officer:
She was shoplifting down at the mall. Are either of you this girl's father?

House:
Nope! But since her mom died, she's my favorite tax write-off. [walks over to the door and sees the officer out] Officer, you have my word it won't happen again, 'cause next time she won't get caught.

[House slams the door shut behind the officer, then turns and high-fives Rachel. They hug. Wilson shrugs and joins in on the hug. Cuddy then wakes up from her dream, gasping and staring at the medication on her nightstand.]

Chase:
Do you want me to quote from First Corinthians? 'Cause I can do that.

Cuddy:
As a Jew, I'm gonna have to decline that offer.

Chase:
Don't know what you're missing. St. Paul was really on his game.

Foreman:
What is it with you and this kid?

Taub:
He's doggy-paddling in a sea of misery.

Foreman:
How far did you have to reach back for that memory? Last night? Sometimes I hear you in the living room watching TV at 3:00 a.m.

Taub:
That's when classic Doctor Who comes on the BBC.

Foreman:
Yeah, if only they had some device that allowed you to record them and watch them another time.

Cuddy:
You took Vicodin. When you came to my hospital room that night, you were stoned.

House:
How did you know?

Cuddy:
How did I not know? How did I make myself forget for months that you're an addict? My sub-conscious was trying to tell me you could never get through this without drugs.

House:
It was a one time thing.

Cuddy:
It's not about the pills, House. It's about what they mean.

House:
I was scared because I thought my girlfriend might die.

Cuddy:
No. You don't take Vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain. Everything you've ever done is to avoid pain; drugs, sarcasm, keeping everybody at arm's length so no one can hurt you.

House:
As opposed to everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?

Cuddy:
Pain happens when you care. You can't love someone without making yourself open to their problems, their fears, and you're not willing to do that.

House:
I came -- I came to be with you.

Cuddy:
You weren't with me. Not really.

House:
I wanted to be.

Cuddy:
That's not enough.

House:
I can do better.

Cuddy:
I don't think you can. You'll choose yourself over everybody else over and over again because that's just who you are. [strokes House's face] I'm sorry.

House:
No, no, no. Don't don't.

Cuddy:
I thought I could do this.

House:
Don't, don't. Please don't.

Cuddy:
Goodbye, House.

House:
Who's in charge?

Foreman:
House, as long as you're not here, someone has to have the final…

House:
Let me rephrase. Who's your daddy?

Taub:
It's interesting.

Masters:
No, it's not. It's mundane and simple. He's obviously a very blessed specimen, so from an evolutionary point of view, he'd produce healthy offspring, so my prefrontal cortex is telling me I should have sex with him.

Taub:
Oh. Is that all?

Masters:
Yes. My rational brain knows he's a hillbilly and an idiot.

Taub:
And yet somehow your rational brain is losing the argument, which is interesting.

Wilson:
We are gonna talk about this, and we're gonna deal with this.

House:
So I have no choice. Fine. Unless... unless... yes, I do. I do have legs. I see you didn't factor those into your brilliant plan.

Wilson:
[about House] He needs you.

Cuddy:
I love him. And I know he loves me. But I just can't.

Wilson:
He needs you in his life. Even if you're not sleeping with him, he needs you. Without you...

Cuddy:
You can't go backwards. I can't fix his problem. I am his problem.

Cuddy:
I think maybe you're looking for something that can excite you. Fill a void. And it's affecting your judgement.

House:
You're right. I am. But my damaged, depressed, drug-addled judgment is still better than yours or any other doctor's in this hospital. And my team is going to do this procedure and save his life. So you can either have security arrest me and my team or you can get the hell out of my way. [He pauses and watches her face] And she caves.

[House arrives in his office on a Segway with Dominika]

House:
Before I forget, I want you to meet Dominika. She's about to become a permanent member of Team House.

Dominika:
[stands and hook her arm into House's arm possessively] Nice to be meetings you all. [puts a wedding invitation down on the table]

Chase:
Doing what exactly?

House:
Me. We're getting married on Friday. [to Dominika] Mount up!

[Dominika gets on the Segway behind House and puts her arms around his waist]

Masters:
I don't think that two people are supposed…

House:
Living on the edge, baby doll!

[House honks the horn and he and Dominika roll out of the conference room on the Segway]

Wilson:
Congratulations on your engagement.

House:
I hear a strange voice.

Dominika:
A very soft-looking man. Must be the Wilson.

Taub:
[House's helicopter hits him in the head] Ow! What the hell?

House:
Negative reinforcement.

[House checks the patient, Danny's pulse]

Danny:
Who are you?

House:
Shhh!

Danny:
What are you doing?

House:
Test.

Danny:
Who are you?

House:
The important question is, who are you? Danny Jennings is dead, which means that Danny Jennings has no pulse. You, on the other hand… do. Ergo, you are not Danny Jennings. [leans his cane against the bed] Or I did the test wrong. So why don't you cut the crap and tell me your real name.

Danny:
No.

House:
Hiding your identity… Well, either you're a criminal or a superhero.

Danny:
I'm not a criminal.

House:
Awesome. What color is my underwear?

Wilson:
[about House] He's gone too far. He's taking up six handicapped spaces with a monster truck.

Cuddy:
It's only four, and he's gonna get rid of it after the wedding.

Wilson:
And the chapel… He's turned the chapel into his own personal catering hall.

Cuddy:
Who cares? Other than a janitor sleeping off a bender, he's the first person to use it in two weeks.

Wilson:
Appeasement is never the answer in the face of naked aggression. It won't be long before his tanks are rolling down your Champs-Elysees.

Cuddy:
I know what House is doing. You, on the other hand… why do you care? He isn't hurting anyone.

Wilson:
[walks to the chair in front of Cuddy's desk and sits down with his arms crossed over his chest] You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He needs someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to, when they say no. If you really care about House, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking.

Thirteen:
The interrogation thing is getting annoying.

House:
Studies have shown that un-annoying interrogation is 50% less effective.

House:
Junior year high school, you placed fourth in the West Virginia all-county science fair. Your project? Clean combustion.

Thirteen:
Yeah. I also wore a training bra. Things have changed.

House:
[under his breath] Not that much.

Taub:
You're mad.

Foreman:
No. Actually, I'm impressed. Messing around on a 22-year-old hottie with your wife on my sofa. You're a full-throttle head case.

Taub:
I was doing you a solid with the sofa. Rachel wanted to do it in your bed. You've got the memory foam top.

Foreman:
Let's make this really simple: If I own it, I don't want you doing it on it.

Taub:
You might want to get rid of your kitchen table. Look, I'm sorry.. [slightly laughing] but it was worth it.

Foreman:
Sounded a lot like… Thirteen.

House:
It's a Thirteen tribute band with their new song, "I've got a better theory than Masters."

House:
[to Thirteen] I'll kill you. When the time comes, if you want me to. I'll do it now if you like. [looking behind him.] I've got a baseball bat in the back.

Foreman:
I'm glad you're gonna be sticking around after today.

Masters:
Really? You want me to stay?

Foreman:
It's good to add a different perspective to the department. Someone who still remembers there are rules other than House's.

Masters:
If I don't play by House's rules, he won't let me in.

Foreman:
Find a way around them.

Masters:
I'd have to lie to him, which is still lying.

Thirteen:
Lying about a lie, that's practically telling the truth.

Masters:
Why are you lying about rehab?

Thirteen:
Because the real reason I was gone is not something I want to share.

Masters:
Couldn't you just say that? Should be enough for Foreman and the others.

Thirteen:
How long have you worked here? House's people have personalities that range from nosy to, "pardon me while I do this cavity search."

Masters:
She could die.

House:
Pretty sure the law of the land states that everyone has the right to be an idiot. I think it's the Second Amendment.

Masters:
Isn't that House's chicken?

Wilson:
Disgusting beasts. I don't know why I ever agreed to this bet.

Masters:
So call it off.

Wilson:
And lose $20?

Masters:
I broke the rules because I believed I was right.

House:
You were right.

Masters:
Then why don't I feel good or satisfied? Instead, I just feel like throwing up.

House:
And you're following me to ask how I break the rules and maintain my rosy demeanor.

Masters:
I didn't do it to be happy. I just thought I would be.

House:
You can't always get what you want.

Taub:
Sure, some people will screw up anything, but some won't. That kind of cash, he has a chance to turn a miserable life around.

House:
Miserable stays miserable. Happy doesn't buy lottery tickets in the first place.

Thirteen:
Our level of happiness is set. It's in our DNA. No cash payout's gonna change that.

House:
It's like there's two of me.

Cuddy:
My mother's lawyer called. She's threatening to sue the hospital over our mistreatment of her. Says it slowed her recovery.

House:
You know, I was just thinking how much I want a relationship with no sex, but where I still have to deal with your mother.

Cuddy:
No clinic hours for the next quarter.

House:
And three parking spots, next to each other, so I can park diagonally. And three pairs of your underwear. I'm thinking of taking up sailing.

Cuddy:
Forget it. Treat your patient, don't treat your patient. Come to the meeting, don't come to the meeting. I'm done playing your game.

House:
You realize the game is automatically over when the loser loses, right?

House:
Down on the patient's romance because your own lifespan is shorter than dinner and a movie?

Thirteen:
You're the one who said miserable stays miserable.

House:
You keep saying it. Several times a day.

Thirteen:
I love being back, having every theory you and I share used as proof of my own personal damage.

House:
It'll end horribly.

Thirteen:
Not for him. She may take all his money, and he may be a naive idiot but he'll always be hopeful, so he'll always be happy.

House:
You lost your mother. You euthanized your brother. You got the life expectancy of a pretty good sitcom. If you can convince yourself that you'd be miserable no matter what, even without all that stuff, then maybe you don't have to hate the universe, for dumping a giant turd on you. Fatalism is your survival mechanism.

Thirteen:
And you? Dumped by everyone you've ever loved. Rehab was a bust. Your leg feels like someone took a giant bite out of it. We are who we are. Lotteries are stupid.

Thirteen:
Karma's a bitch.

Foreman:
You think her seizures are the result of bad karma?

Thirteen:
I think if you spend your days designing ever more effective ways to blow people up, stuff's bound to come back to you.

Wilson:
If he's ignoring you, it's because he trusts you.

Foreman:
No, it's not.

Wilson:
No, it's not, but he does.

Foreman:
Thanks. I feel warm inside.

Terry:
What the hell?

House:
Don't worry. It's just epinephrine.

Terry:
Ep... is it dangerous?

House:
In the wrong hands, very. So... yeah, sort of.

Foreman:
My theory is that he's only avoiding us because he really wants to avoid you.

Cuddy:
Ma nishtana.

[Foreman looks blank]

Cuddy:
You made it through med school without ever attending a seder? It means, "Why is this night different from all other nights?"

House:
Leg hurts. Would you mind getting me a coffee?

Dr. Riggin:
How does coffee help your leg?

House:
It will prevent me from walking to get the coffee.

Riggin:
Right.

Chase:
You killed your own brother?

Thirteen:
Yes. It was awful and devastating, but it wasn't murder. He was sick and he wanted to die, and I promised I would help. Now please stop pacing and help me find this thing.

Chase:
Have you talked to anybody about it? I mean, are you okay?

Thirteen:
No, I may have an aortic arch aneurysm. Oh, wait, that's her. Either help me or leave.

[Rachel is watching an adult pirate cartoon]

Cuddy:
What are you watching?

Rachel:
TV, you bloody scallywag. [Cuddy turns off the TV] [whining] Mo-om!

House:
There are no cars coming. Just go.

Rachel:
The light is red, ye bloody scallywag.

Cuddy:
Stop with the pirate talk.

House:
If you don't want Brownbeard to end up with two wooden legs, better get your ma to move this ship, you mangy bilge rat.

Cuddy:
Of course... you showed her that filthy cartoon. What kind of idiot lets a three-year-old watch that?

House:
If you want to lecture me on my poor judgment, there seems to be more relevant examples.

[House wakes up from surgery]

House:
What are you doing here?

Wilson:
You hoping for someone else?

House:
Hot nurse, candy striper… Someone who doesn't speak English. Someone who doesn't speak judgmental.

Wilson:
You're an ass.

House:
What, for trying to walk on a freshly mangled leg? Performing surgery on myself? For thinking I could solve my emotional problems with rat medicine? If you're gonna nag, at least have the decency to be specific.

Cuddy:
You stood me up.

House:
Sorry. Should have scheduled my patient's internal bleeding for Thursday.

Chase:
You want us to waste a bed on her?

House:
You took an oath… an oath to be cool. At least that was the one I mumbled under my breath while everyone else was doing the boring one.

Wilson:
You're forging my name on prescriptions again.

House:
No. What you just said implies that I stopped at some point.

House:
You think I have unresolved issues and you are the unresolved issues.

Cuddy:
Yes. But it's... I think it's more than that. It's your life, your choices.

House:
I did it to fix my life. No, wait, no, I did it because I'm a deeply unhappy person. No, no, I did it to get sympathy from you. I did it to piss you off. I did it because I'm not over you, or I was over you, and I was moving on. I did it because I want to know what it's like not to be in pain. I did it because I want to feel more pain. Whatever the reason, it was a bad reason and a bad idea. That's all that matters. Good lunch.

Cuddy:
House… talk to me!

House:
I already did.

Cuddy:
[gets in front of House, trying to stop him] No, you just parroted back what Wilson and I've been saying to you the last few days.

House:
Get out of my way.

Cuddy:
No. [She looks down and touches his leg.] Oh, you pulled a stitch. House, please just talk to me.

[Cuddy takes House's arms, trying to turn him to face her and House pushes Cuddy against a wall and they are staring face to face]

House:
[loudly] You want to know how I feel? [two deep breaths then, quietly] I feel hurt.

[Cuddy takes House's hands from her upper arms and holds them.]

Cuddy:
I know. I'm sorry. [Cuddy's final line]

House:
It's not your fault. [pulls his hands free and walks off.]