Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Season 2

Master Shake:
Somebody's a little bi-curious!

Meatwad:
I ain't no bi-curious. I'm a man's man!

Master Shake:
Not anymore! I've planted the seed of doubt!

Meatwad:
You don't say that! I'm a man, and you...if you need me, I'm gonna be in the garage...[in a deeper voice] hangin' Sheetrock, 'round an engine I'm rebuilding.

Master Shake:
Look at the way he rolls...

Meatwad:
WHERE'S MY CHEWIN' TOBACCO?!!

Master Shake:
...just like a woman!

Master Shake:
(Barely awake) George Lesenby...

Frylock:
How do you spell that?

Master Shake:
Uh... L-E-S-B-I-A-N.

Frylock:
(Writes it down) L-E-S-B-I-A-- Shut up! You're spelling lesbian!

Master Shake:
Aah, God excuse me.

Carl:
(With chicken wings in his mouth) He said lesbian. Hahahaha!

Frylock:
Meatwad, can you hear me?

Meatwad [slurred]:
You give me another beer. I'm 21!

Frylock:
Oh, great, he's drunk!

Meatwad:
I'm not drunk! You're the drunk one! Are you gonna do somethin' about it?!

Master Shake:
Yeah, I'll do somethin' about it! How about THAT?! [kicks Meatwad]

Meatwad:
Ow!

Master Shake:
Ya like that?

Meatwad:
Do that to my face! What, you scared?! [gets kicked] Ow! You did it again!

[Meatwad is repeatedly kicked until the snake faces Shake]

Meatwad:
You son bitch!

Master Shake:
This is stupid. Let's kick him out of here. [kicks Meatwad a couple more times, then turns to the snake] What are you lookin' at?

(Master Shake and Meatwad inside the snake)

Master Shake:
Oh God, it smells like a Brewery in here!

Meatwad:
(slurred) Yeah just keep shoutin' you stupid.

Master Shake:
Frylock, blow his head off!

Meatwad:
Do not kill him, he is a friend of mine. How'd you like to deal with me?

Master Shake:
Oh will you shut up you drunk?!

Meatwad:
What you just decide that I'm drunk? You can't decide.

Master Shake:
SHUT UP!

Meatwad:
I make that decision.

Master Shake:
Oh my God...

Meatwad:
That decision is mine and God's.

Master Shake:
Will ya listen to yourself?

Meatwad:
Roger that...

Master Shake:
Now look...

Meatwad:
...and I'm not. I change...I ain't make that decision.

Master Shake:
Do not listen to Meatwad!

Meatwad:
That wasn't a decision that was made here.

Carl:
Yeah, I can't pretend to know what you're going through right now, but... you let go, okay? Thank you. If you need anything, you know who to look to: someone else.

Frylock:
If only we wouldn't have gotten him that pet.

Carl:
Don't–

Frylock:
I mean, he would have been here today.

Carl:
Don't beat yourself up over it. There's nothing you can do about this. I mean, it-it kinda was your fault, but... but, hey, screw it. They're dead and you're not.

Frylock:
I appreciate it, Carl. I really do.

Carl:
Is this a cemetery? This is a construction site, isn't it?

[Carl is at Frylock's door]

Carl:
Here. It's a Fruit Roll-Up. I was gonna make ya a tuna casserole for your loss, but, uh... but I didn't.

Frylock:
Mmm, thanks.

Carl:
I was gonna yell my brains out at ya but, because of your loss, I might just gently ask: What happened last night with all the noise?

Frylock:
Carl, Carl, Carl. [chuckles] Why don't you mind your own damn business before I carve you up like a Christmas goose? You wanna taste of what I did to that snake? 'Cause I'll do it to you, too!

Carl:
Fryman. Man. You changed. [Frylock stabs Carl]

Frylock:
Aw, for the better?

[Frylock dumps Carl's body in a dumpster]

Frylock:
[chuckles darkly] There goes the neighborhood.

Meatwad:
You killed us! I told you not to do it and you did it... anyways.

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Master Shake:
Yes, you did!

Frylock:
No I didn't!

Meatwad:
Yes, you did

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Carl:
Yes! you did!

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Master Shake:
Yes, you did!

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Meatwad:
Yes, you did!

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Carl:
Yes! you did!

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Master Shake:
Yes, you did!

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Meatwad:
...yeah, you did.

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Carl:
Yeah! You did!

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Master Shake:
You did!

Frylock:
No, really, I didn't!

Meatwad:
Yes, you did

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Carl:
Yes! You did!

Frylock:
No, I did not!

Master Shake:
Wait! Did you just say that you did?

Meatwad:
He did?

Carl:
What, did he say that he did?

Frylock:
No, I said I didn't.

Master Shake:
...cause you did!

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Meatwad:
Did, too.

Frylock:
Didn't!

Carl:
Did.

Frylock:
Didn't!

Master Shake:
Did!

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Meatwad:
Yes, you did!

Frylock:
Watch the fire. Over there. You're gonna burn yourself.

Meatwad:
Oh, thank you. ...but you did!

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Master Shake:
Yes, you did!

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Carl:
You so friggin' did!

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Meatwad:
Of course you did!

Frylock:
No, I did not!

Master Shake:
Yes, you did!

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Meatwad:
Well, yeah, you did.

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Master Shake:
Yes, you did!

Frylock:
No!

Master Shake:
Yes, you did!

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Carl:
You did!

Frylock:
No, I didn't!

Carl:
You friggin' did!

Frylock:
No!

Master Shake:
Yes, you did!

Frylock:
No really, I didn't!

Meatwad:
Yes, you did! Yes, you did! Yes, you did! Yes, you did! Yes, you did!

Meatwad:
Frylock, please. That was a computer simulation program. And it proved to me that you don't know what I like and what I like to do. And that is to tell you what to do. And you need to listen to what I say 'cause I'm gonna eat your brains!

Shake:
He wanted me to give you these cell phones. They link you directly to the man himself.

Frylock:
He's giving us a cell phone?

Meatwad:
There's no text messaging. This a suck phone.

Frylock:
Wow, you know that's really, amazingly lame.

Shake:
[answering phone] Drizzle here.

Meatwad:
Hello, yes, Drizzle. Violent criminals have put... what did you, Fat Albert...

Frylock:
Prince Albert.

Meatwad:
Oh, have put... Fat Albert in a can.

Frylock:
No it's Prince. Prince Albert.

Meatwad:
Oh, okay. Hold on. [to Shake on the phone] Have put... F-Fat Albert in a can, in your can.

Shake:
I'll need precise coordinates, ma'am.

Meatwad:
Oh okay, it's... it's in your butt, boy! [snickering] It's in your butt! Did you hear me? It's in your butt.

Shake:
Pranksters! Sons of—

Frylock:
Shake, the printer called and said that the Drizzle's stationery and business cards are ready. But they're concerned what with the paper being black and the ink being black.

Shake:
Everything must be black, like the Storm of Justice!

Frylock:
Well, maybe you'd better talk to them. [holding a bouncing eye contraption] And this is blocking up the hallway.

Shake:
The Eye of Justice. The Drizzle is lost without it.

Meatwad:
Howdy, villains, I'm Mr. Mister. Watch your back, crime. When I get pissed, you get mist.

Shake:
You can expect a forecast of vengeance in the near future.

Shake:
I'm not asking you if people will be able to write on it; I'm telling you I want black on black!

Frylock:
[Bringing in a package] This just came for the Drizzle.

Shake:
Who's the Drizzle?

Frylock:
Well, we don't know that, do we? But he owes me 40 bucks for this C.O.D.

Frylock:
Where are you going?

Shake:
I'm going to let the Fume know that he needs to let the rest of the world know that he exists.

TV Announcer:
Downtown is in flames tonight as a mysterious arsonist...

Frylock:
Ah no, Shake. You messed up this time.

Meatwad:
I'm calling Japan.

Shake:
WHO THE HELL DO YOU KNOW IN JAPAN??!! NOBODY!!!

Meatwad:
Hello, Japan?

Shake:
NO!!

Meatwad:
Yes, connect me to Godzilla, please.

Shake:
[takes phone away] YOU DON'T GET ONE! I told the Drizzle you'd mess this up! It hasn't been five minutes and you already did!

Meatwad:
Enchiladitos, they make you wanna eat 'em!

Meatwad:
Hey, Carl.

Carl:
Hey, hey, hey, just the man I wanted to see. I done heard through the grape vine that someone won a big prize recently.

Meatwad:
Yup, I won two tickets to the Super Ball.

Carl:
No, it's, it's "Bowl." It's cute that you said that 'cause you's a frickin' idiot.

[At night, Shake smiles at Meatwad in his room. He grabs a gutter from behind him and turns his smile into a frown]

Shake:
I didn't leave my keys in here. Silly! Uh, this must be the wrong... PLACE!

[Carl busts in after Shake tries to keep him out]

Carl:
Get your meat ass out here and have some fun with me!

Meatwad:
Why do you have those oven mitts on?

Shake:
I'm not touching you skin-to-skin! I mean, it's extra padding, it's for your pleasure

Meatwad:
I'm not entirely comfortable with the level of asbestos in these mitts

Shake:
Just take deep breaths... breathe it in and die! Give me those tickets!

Meatwad:
Yep, Super Bowls are fun. We got braggin' rights this year. Number One.

Shake:
Who?

Meatwad:
Number One.

Shake:
Who's Number One?

Meatwad:
I don't know.

Shake:
You don't know... because you went to a fucking farm, you fucking imbecile!

[Meatwad leaves]

Shake:
Get back here! You cost me my one chance! I GOT FUCKING DIABETES AND CANCER BECAUSE OF YOU!

Carl:
[playing football with Meatwad] Okay, so you've got the ball. Now you wanna wrap your... uh, you know, that stretchy little, sticky thing...

Meatwad:
[grabbing the football and pushing it into his face, distorting his features] Like dis?

Carl:
No.

Meatwad:
[with the football sitting on his head, and four "arms" of meat waving around] What about dis?

Carl:
(frowning) No, not like... that, either... no...

Meatwad:
(with the ball in his mouth) How about this?

Carl:
Oh... whatever. It's... going right in the trash after this, so... uhhh... yeah, let 'er rip!

Meatwad:
[spits out the football]

Carl:
Yeah, hooray... we won! Who are you takin' to the Super Bowl?

Carl:
Okay, time out here. Look, ever since my son was... never conceived since I've never had consensual sex without there being money involved, I've always thought of you as something that I could sorta... live next to... in accordance with state laws.

Meatwad:
That's so sweet. You tryin' to say that you love me.

Carl:
Whoah, let's not put people on the spot here.

[Carl puts on a foam "#1" glove.]

Carl:
[angrily] WHO ARE YOU TAKING TO THAT FRICKIN' SUPERBOWL?!

Meatwad:
Carl, your finger!

Shake:
[To Meatwad] Who are you taking?

Carl:
Yeah, who are you takin'?

Frylock:
Carl? How did you get in here?

Carl:
The window, jackass. WHO ARE YOU TAKIN'?!?!?!

Shake:
T-this is a box. Are y'outta ya freakin' mind?! You'll get arrested!

Meatwad:
Gentlemen, meet my new best friend... (70's disco plays) Boxy Brown.

Shake:
Meet your new dead best friend.

Boxy Brown:
Uh uh, fool. Step back.

Meatwad:
You'd best listen to Boxy, now. He don't play.

Shake:
Listen to what?! He's imaginary for Chri- YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE FEETBALL, I'M THE NUMBER ONE SUPER FAN!

[Carl's house]

Carl:
What do you mean you've "gotta count those"? There's over $200 in there! Oohh, okay Candy. I guess we're not in America. I guess now I'm not allowed to pay for sex with pennies. [gets hit with super computer as Candy takes money]

Schoolly D:
Damn, Carl. I thought you knew hoes would be hoes, brother.

Frylock:
Gentleman, say goodbye to your old desktop! [turns on computer and it disappears]

Master Shake:
Say goodbye to your new one too.

Frylock:
Where did it go?! What the hell happened?!

Master Shake:
Was it supposed to do that?

Frylock:
Did it bust through the wall again?

Meatwad:
Yes it did.

Frylock:
No it didn't!

Meatwad:
Do..what'd it do? Where do I go...to do the poop?

Master Shake:
My pizza's here! Pizza time! Pizza time, pizza time, pizza time...

Meatwad [to Frylock]:
He's right. It all makes sense now...you're a damn witch.

Frylock:
Oh yeah, well whatcha gonna do about it?

Meatwad:
Eat pizza. Pizza time, pizza time, pizza time!

Meatwad:
Dang, what was that?

Master Shake(angrily shocked):
What are you doing in the shower?!

Oog:
So there me was beating boulder into powder because me couldn't eat it and magic ball land in lap. Naturally, me think, "All right! Free Egg!" because me stupid and me cave man. So me spent about 3 days humping and bust open with thigh bone so me could eat it good, then magic ball shoot Oog with beam, and next thing me know me go out and invent wheel out of dinosaur brain! Magic dino-wheel rolled for 3 short distance before me eat it, the point is me get smarter. Soon, me walk upright. Me featherback dirty, matted hair into wings for style and me stop to use bathroom as opposed to me just doing it as me walk.

Meatwad:
Boy, sure is nice not havin' Shake around.

Frylock:
Yeah, it is odd that he'd go down to Guatemala and be missionary. In fact, it's not true.

Meatwad:
Look here, he can be down on a prom date with Santa Claus on the moon for all I care. 'Point is, I can do whatever I want with my toys.

Frylock:
Pick up your toys.

Meatwad:
... Shut up.

Meatwad:
Look here, you want your blue jean ad?

Master Shake:
More than anything.

Frylock:
A "blue jean ad?!" Look Shake, a lotta times the media tries to present an image that isn't exactly true to life. I mean, you understand what I'm sayin', right?

Master Shake:
No, I do, I do. I understand that some people - Meatwad - don't look good, and that they should hide from the cameras at all costs. It's the beautiful people that are the smart ones, and it's that very same smartness that makes them rich.

Frlock:
Shake, people are different all over. I mean, it's not how you look on the outside, it's what inside that counts.

Master Shake:
Thank you dad. I get the message. Is that what you're tryin' ta tell 69SoFine?

Frylock:
You read my e-mail?!

Master Shake:
You think she gets that you're a fireman yet?

Frylock:
...Well, screw you!

Master Shake:
Oh, good one. Never heard that one before. Boy do I feel burned.

Meatwad:
[to a convalescent Shake] Whoa little piggy! Have some self control. You know nothin' grosses me out more than fat people... like you.

Master Shake:
I'm fat?

Meatwad:
As hell! Have you seen yourself? I would not eat any more... 'less you gonna get rid of it, you know what I mean?

Master Shake:
What do you mean?

Meatwad:
I'm not talkin' 'bout digestion. I'm talkin' 'bout this [mimes sticking his finger down his throat]

Frylock:
Meatwad, no!

[Master Shake and Meatwad go to Carl for a plastic surgeon]

Meatwad:
We callin' in da pros now. Is your buddy out of prison yet?

Carl:
Which one? 'Cause there's three.

Meatwad:
Oh, you know which one. The guy that was in the hotel with the people...and the welding.

Carl:
Oh, Terry! Yeah, yeah, he's out, but uh, part of his parole is he's not supposed ta, you know, do what he was doin'...to flesh.

Master Shake:
We need him, otherwise people are gonna look at me and wonder what could have been.

Carl:
All right, whatever. We'll meet at the docks at midnight. I get a 10% finder's fee. You never saw me.

Master Shake:
Fine, but I'll need a receipt, 'cause this is a business expense.

Meatwad:
Whoa! What happened to your butt? It's like a little shelter down here!

Meatwad:
Shhh! You hear that? That's the sound of him not being here. You can thank me for that later.

[Outside of Terry's]

Carl:
(hands Shake a liquor bottle) Alright, he wants you to, uh, drink all that before you go in there.

Master Shake:
Eeeeeasily done, my friend! Now you're talking my language. (points to a bedpost) What's this thing for?

Carl:
Yeah, that? You bite down on, so you don't swallow your tongue.

Master Shake:
(puts it in his mouth) Now?

Carl:
(amused) Oh, you'll know when. I feel pretty sure of that.

Master Shake:
Alright! Hello, Hollywood, let the games begin, baby!

[Shake goes inside and starts screaming]

Meatwad:
(unsettled) Listen to that. Goodness. Boy, he's doing some work, isn't he?

Carl:
Yeah.

Master Shake:
(in background) I want that higher.

Carl:
Yeah, he builds hot rods, mostly. Sometimes faces.

Meatwad:
Well, we just thank you, Carl. You been real good to us.

Carl:
Yeah, shut up, I need my money now.

[Shake comes out covered in a cast. Meatwad and Carl warily look around]

Master Shake:
Whoa! He's quick and relatively clean! Ya know, this beats the jungle surgery any day; snakes everywhere down there, you can't get rid of them.

Carl:
Oh, I see he sold you on the Tijuana Supremo package.

Master Shake:
Right? Ya know, initially I was skeptical, but once I saw them in his showroom...I mean, come on, you'd be a fool not to get it!

Meatwad:
You got an assface boy! Am I right?

Frylock:
Well I guess you are right.

Meatwad:
I ain't talkin to you. I'm talkin to assface over here. What do ya think, assface?

Master Shake:
How am I gonna fill the jeans if I don't have an ass?

Meatwad:
You ain't. You need to get a job makin horror movies. Return of the Deadly Assface

Master Shake:
Well fine..

Meatwad:
Never Go Back to Assface Lake

Master Shake:
Well fine, I won't do jean ads, that's simple.

Meatwad:
Deadly Assface Lake Camp...Need to work on that one...

Master Shake:
But I can do underwear right? RIGHT?!

Meatwad:
Flip over shovel ass. You can do a hospital ad. They won't have to use make-up.

Master Shake:
NO! This isn't happening!

Meatwad:
You a sucka!

Meatwad:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey y'all know what would be fun? If I get in that pool.

Frylock:
And how long has it been since lunch?

Meatwad:
Well... (Meatwad ponders) Six seconds.

Frylock:
And I just saw you eat 40 hot dogs, didn't I?

Meatwad:
40? No, 48.

Frylock:
You have to wait twenty minutes, Meatwad.

Master Shake:
Why don't we let him in now and we'll watch him cramp up and get sucked into the filter and jam it all up!

Frylock:
Huh... so he's using Shake as his vessel to communicate with us.

Meatwad:
Well, I figured that out. He done got 90 eyes and no mouth. Where else he gonna talk? Through his butt?

Frylock:
Meatwad, he won't have a butt. I mean most aliens recycle their waste for fuel. [Travis starts leaking waste out of his body] Obviously, this one doesn't.

Frylock:
Shut up, Shake, he's trying to say something!

Master Shake:
I'll tell you what he's trying to say: "I need somebody to kick me in the ass so I can get the hell off your land!" That's what you're trying to say, right?

Carl:
Hey who's your dead friend? He's dead.

Carl:
Oh what? You're leavin'? What are you doin'?! You haven't even urinated on all of my house yet!

Master Shake:
Hey, how ya doing? I think I need to go to the doctor. Cause I've been losing long, long tracks of time now, and...and I'm starting to get just a little freaked out about the fact that my hand is missing. I can't find it.

Frylock:
Shake you'll be fine. That hole in your head will heal up in no time.

Master Shake:
Hole? Oh thats great. I'm sure it was drilled on one of those days I can't remember.

Frylock:
Here's five dollars, go see a movie.

Shake:
Motion pictures are ten dollars.

Frylock:
Fine. Here's ten.

Shake:
But what about popped corn?

Frylock:
Whatever, damn. Just go!

Shake:
(Mumbles) I wonder what's playing-

Frylock:
(Getting frustrated) Go....

Shake:
Fine. I know when to go. (pause) Do You know what-

Frylock:
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Travis is at a job interview]

Travis:
I would say that perserverance number one aplitude...appitude...attribute! I people person, work good with children. People like me, because I force them to, with violence!

Interviewer:
That's uh... do you have any questions for me?

Travis:
I rule you!

Interviewer:
Well, it was really nice to meet you and I'll let you know in the near future if we start hiring...animals.

Travis:
Thank you, bitch. Suck it dry!

Sir Loin:
Yo! Is you the little joker that's been bringin' me sand?

Meatwad:
Yes.

Sir Loin:
Man, what you thinkin'? Look here man, what're you, the Sandman or somethin'? C'mon, get it together boy!

Meatwad:
But it's...for the Shorteez, ya know.

Frylock:
It's for the EPA is who it's for.

Sir Loin:
What? Who said that? Man, you bring people over here. You ain't supposed to bring people over here unless they dead. Is he dead? I don't think so.

Meatwad:
If the Shorteez can't have food, then I ain't gonna have food. You know what I'm sayin'? (he throws the sandcakes in the garbage can) I do this for the Shorteez, ya'll.

Shake:
Yeah, take it to church, dump it in the collection plate. You know, you're the rudest person I know, and that's why you don't live here anymore. I--

(Meatwad takes Shake's breakfast)

Shake:
Hey! My steak and eggs!

Frylock:
Steak and eggs?!

Meatwad:
This is for the Shorteez.

Frylock:
All I got is a mug of oatmeal!

Shake:
Listen, we're on a budget. What do you want me to do?

Meatwad:
(taking Frylock's mug) Thank you very much.

Frylock:
Hey, damn it! I was going to eat that.

Meatwad:
Oh, gee whiz, I'm so sorry to inconvenience you while other people in the world don't got nothin' to eat.

Shake:
Thanks for sandin' up my eggs. You know what, just take 'em...when you leave the country. I banish you forevermore!

Shake:
Can someone please explain to me what happened to my duckling a l'orange?!

Frylock:
We had duckling a l'orange?

Shake:
You don't even know how to say it, so stop...try it once. No, forget it. You know what? You're gonna try it and then you're gonna screw the name up, and then it's gonna sound disgusting. I won't even want to eat it anymore. Thanks. Thanks for ruining my lunch, which is gone, by the way.

Frylock:
Have you looked in the fridge?

Shake:
[sarcastically] Oh, brainstorm! Alert the Internet, I got a genius on my hand... oh, wait a minute. It's already open, 'cause that's where I put it when it was shipped in from Alsace!

Meatwad:
Try looking deep within your heart and ask it where it wanted that duck to go.

Shake:
Down your throat, you bug-eyed freak! You know how much that duck cost?! Higher than you can count!

Frylock:
I'm sorry to say this, but Shake's right Meatwad. Charity is one thing, but this is getting way out of hand! I mean, we don't have anything to eat now!

Meatwad:
Well, I don't know about that and I...

Frylock:
Don't. Say. Sand.

Sir Loin:
Hey, Satan my man! What's up, man?

Satan:
SHUT UP!!! [fire blows Sir Loin away] I'M ON THE PHONE HERE!!!

Meatwad:
Don't you see Frylock? He's gonna use all that fly spit to melt down the walls of the national bank.

Sir Loin:
That's right.

Meatwad:
He's angry at banks.

Sir Loin:
Hate the bank-- .....STUPID-ASS MEATBALL MOTHER-- I MELT THE WALLS SO I CAN GET THE MONEY!!! To keep up with the payments on this here patio furniture which by the way is broken now 'cause I broke it thank you very much. Ever seen a cow sit on a patio furniture? I ain't! Look at that umbrella, man, I ATE HALF OF IT!

Meatwad:
Hey, Carl!

Carl:
Oh, great.... you've seen me...

Meatwad:
Hey, you wanna contribute to Sir Loin's hunger drive? We're gonna feed the shorties, y'all.

Carl:
Yeah, lemme see here, I think I've got some... uhhh.... oysters over here. (Horks into the bag of food)

Meatwad:
Oh, thank you

Carl:
Be sure to thank Sir Loin for keeping me up all night!

Meatwad:
Yeah, I'll do that. Hey, I thought that... oysters had shells.

Carl:
Oh, usually, but not these. They were, uh... farm raised.... in my throat.... with cheese. Hey, you want some crabs, 'cause I've got some of them.

Meatwad:
No, no... my bag's pretty full right now.

Carl:
I don't know if they're Alaskan King, but.... they feel huge

Frylock:
What the hell happened to you??

Sir Loin:
YOU tell me! One minute, I'm going in for a job interview and the next, BOOM, I'm in Hell!

Shake:
All right, truth time. Tomorrow morning, you and me, we get those bills paid together.

Frylock:
Shake, tomorrow is Sunday!

Shake:
You're right, church!

[The cable goes out as a result of Shake not paying the bills.]

Frylock:
There goes the cable.

Shake:
Terrorists!

Shake:
Look, we've got electricity and we've got each other.

[Their power goes out.]

Shake:
...Look, we've got each other.

Meatwad:
Hey, how come the shower ain't workin'?

Shake:
I don't know. Probably maybe something you did to anger God. He's angry with you all right, I remember him telling me that--

Meatwad:
Uh-huh.

Shake:
--at the Last Supper.

Meatwad:
Uh-huh.

Shake:
--Yeah, they had good fish there.

Meatwad:
Has he learned his lesson yet? Please tell me he has, cause this is getting old over here. BLEND!

Frylock:
Look, I'm sure he'll come around and...maybe even learn something. Just give it a few more hours, okay?

Meatwad:
A few hou-?! Look here! I'm getting hungry and thirsty; usually by now, I'd be on my fifth weenie smoothie, and guess how many I've had? Zero.

Frylock:
(smelling the weenies) Phew! Well, those weenies are spoiled by now, Meatwad. I mean, the fridge hasn't worked for a whole day.

Meatwad:
Pssh, I don't keep 'em there. I age them on the windowsill, so that when they get all sticky and slimy and smelling bad, like they's rotting?

Frylock:
Ugh...

Meatwad:
...that's when they's getting good.

Frylock:
Really.

Meatwad:
Let me go off-topic here for a bit: you know how much protein's in a weenie smoothie?

Frylock:
Um, no.

Meatwad:
Zero. BLEND!

Frylock:
Meatwad, no!

Shake:
Meatwad, YES!

Frylock:
Well I'm just glad that you finally learned some responsibility. [goes outside and sees dozens of extension cords hooked up to Carl's house] In the most ass way possible.

[Carl accidentally shot himself in the foot. Shake is still watching TV]

Carl:
I didn't think it was loaded, I was just sorta checkin' the barrel there, and...

Shake:
Yeah, and the gun went off in your hand. I know, I was there, I heard. Why do you think I cranked up the volume? You know, hearing does not come back. It degrades over time.

[Frylock is dragging Carl, who accidentally shot his foot, to the hospital in the Danger Cart]

Carl:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Frylock:
Carl, calm down! We'll be there in a couple of hours, okay?

Carl:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Frylock:
You can stay with us Carl…as long as you have those pills.

Carl:
Thank you, daddy

[Carl lays down on the lawn next to an ant hill]

Shake:
You found it. That’s the guest bedroom. And, hey, you know, if you need to go to the bathroom, you know, just do it.

[Ants begin to cover Carl as he lies on the ground]

Frylock:
Shake!

Carl:
Don’t mess with him, okay? He’s had a long day.

Shake:
You need anything else? There’s some ants.

Dr. Weird:
Gentleman! Who stole my hairairium?!

Steve:
Y-Your what?

Dr. Weird:
My hair helmet!

Steve:
Oh, well. That's right there. On your head.

Dr. Weird:
Oh....BULLSHIT!

Master Shake:
I've got something, there's science behind this, and legend.

Meatwad:
DO NOT DRINK THE CHOCOLATE MILK!!!!!!!!!!!

Frylock:
AHH. Damn Meatwad, Your Grip!

Master Shake:
Look, there's only one way get across this street: You close your eyes and just bolt out there with complete disregard for machine.

Meatwad:
What if I just kept one open, and maybe tried it that way?

Master Shake:
Yeah, if you think you're going to get somewhere in life by cheating.

Meatwad:
Yeah.

Master Shake:
I mean you may as well paint yourself yellow, run around like a maniac, and call yourself Banana Man, cause that's what you're doing.

Master Shake:
Hey Donna! How about shoot me in the head!??!?!

Meatwad:
This here's my road when I's in it. And I'm in it.

Frylock:
Who told you that?

Meatwad:
Master Shake.

Master Shake:
Ahem?

Meatwad:
Oh. CAPTAIN Master Shake.

Master Shake:
Of?

Meatwad:
Of Interplanetary...Traffic Safety Squad & Patrol.

Master Shake:
Which units?

Meatwad:
All units.

Master Shake:
Except?

Meatwad:
Except Jupiter and Spain, or unless otherwise noted.

Master Shake:
Good! We're learning something here.

Master Shake:
Now what did we learn today?

Meatwad:
Pedestrian always has the right of way.

Master Shake:
Yes! Except...

Meatwad:
When you in the way.

[Feces is raining down on Carl & Master Shake from their "oil rig"]

Master Shake:
Yeah! We're rich! Black gold, Texas tea!

Carl:
Oh man. Is it supposed to stink like this?

Master Shake:
Yeah, that's why it's called "crude" Carl.

Carl:
[angrily] No it's not, we hit my septic tank, you jackass!

Master Shake:
Oh. So you're storing extra oil in your septic tank. I'm on to you.

Carl:
You're wearin my dinner!

Master Shake:
Oh gross! You eat corn? I hate cor-(Carl tackles him)

Meatwad:
Let me touch your hand.

Master Shake:
I Don't know.

Meatwad:
I'll be gentle as a lamb.

Master Shake:
Fine. Not again.

Meatwad:
(angrily) That works out with weights!

Master Shake:
[Meatwad touches him] WHOA'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Master Shake:
[after Meatwad reveals him reading a Butt Frenzy magazine in Frylock's room] He knows! He has the gift! ...but he's about to lie to you!

Meatwad:
It's over Frylock. We lost again. Just let it go and accept the truth that we is dumb... dumb as hell.

Shake:
He's right for the most part. We got us a superstar. And we got two albacores that are just hangin around my neck.

Frylock:
Albatrosses.

Shake:
Yep. It's like the rhyme of the marinade happening all over again.

Frylock:
Oooh. This one's easy.

Meatwad:
No kidding. Put down Backstreet boys.

Shake:
Shh. Meatwad, be quiet.

Frylock:
All right, how're we doin'?

Meatwad:
Fine.

Shake:
No, we're not doing that. My eyes... are thirsty as hell. Who do you think you are?

Frylock:
I'm the only US President to serve 2 non-consecutive terms in the oval office.

Shake:
Then that would make you Grover Cleveland and...why is this comin' out of my mouth?!

Frylock:
Meatwad, how many non-consecutive terms did Grover Cleveland serve?

Meatwad:
I'm fine. Everything's fine like wine.

Frylock:
Why don't we just... unhook you..

Shake:
I got this thing embedded in my ass!

Frylock:
Oh, shoot, I'm sorry about that.

Shake:
What is it? It looks like an Ethiopian toilet seat.

Frylock:
It's just a basketball hoop.

Shake:
What is this "bas-ket-ball" you speak of?

Frylock:
Oh, hell, I forgot to put sports on the DVD!

Shake:
(scoffs) And what is this "sports" you speak of?

Frylock:
Okay, here's the deal, we're playing team trivia tonight and we need someone who knows sports.

Carl:
Hey, here's a trivia question: Why would I wanna do that?

[at the bar]

Carl:
Yeah, the chicks. Where are they, Fry-man?

Frylock:
Oh, they're in the back... moistening their T-shirts for the... Jello wrestling.

Carl:
He-heyy, now you're speakin' my language. He he, I knew you wasn't gay.

Frylock:
Is that why you're not sitting with the rest of the team, Carl?

Carl:
What, are you kiddin'? No, I'm not doin' that.

Carl:
Hey, there's a broad-there's a broad right the-Hey! Yeah you, dingbat! I wanna pitcher a beer, fried jalapenos, the nachos grande, and, uh, let's start with 50 wings extra hot and keep the ranch comin'. You hear what I ordered? I'm gonna be fartin' blood over here.

Ned Hastings:
Ladies and gentlemen, turn around and face your trivia doom: Wayne "The Brain" McClane.

Frylock:
You're going down tonight, Wayne. Carl, we need to name our team. Something tough.

Carl:
I turned it in, Fryman. We're good.

Ned Hastings:
And our other...competing squad: the One-Eyed Wonder Weasels and...Their Two Balls.

Carl:
Two balls! [laughing]

Ned Hastings:
Very, very clever guys...nice.

Carl:
You get where I'm goin with that Fryman? You understand the uh, thing...the joke there?

Frylock:
...Yeah I do, Carl.

Carl:
TONIGHT!!

Meatwad:
So it IS grass. I'm eatin' it.

Meatwad:
Hey, should we get Shake? 'Cause he's gettin' eaten by aphids.

Frylock:
Nah. He'll get a ride.

Ned Hastings:
When traveling at a subsonic speed during the last one hour of hyper sleep, which vector of the Romulan Nebula will suffer the wrath of the impenetrable quickening? And, for extra points, how many wraths to the nearest molton? Be specific. This is a real question.

Frylock:
Aw, hell.

Carl:
So uh, when are we doin' the sports part here?

Frylock:
We're not. We didn't. It's over. We lost. DID YOUR ASS GET ENOUGH WINGS?!

Carl:
(points to a pile of bones as tall, if not taller, as the booth itself) Uh, you tell me. Does this look like I got enough?!

Meatwad:
Hey Carl, can I... give me your celery?

Carl:
No, I need it for fiber. (the music stops) I HAVE PROBLEMS!

Frylock:
How's that spell?

Shake':
(while half asleep)Uh, L...e...s...b...i...a...n...

Frylock:
L..e..s..b..i.. Shut up, you're spelling lesbian!

Carl:
(while eating wings) Ha-ha...he said lesbian!

Frylock:
Shake, he's out of batteries.

Shake:
No, he's being lazy!

Oglethorpe:
Put back my eyes so that I might furrow my brow, und express the anger I am feeling!

Frylock He's dead.

Oglethorpe:
IMPOSSIBLE!!! The Remonster can only be killed by stabbing him in the heart with the ancient Bone Saber of Zumakalis!

Emory:
Or probably his head or lungs too, just stab him wherever, really.

Oglethorpe:
And the saber probably doesn't have to be bone.

Emory:
Yeah, really, just like anything sharp just laying around the house.

Oglethorpe:
You could poke him with a pillow and kill him.

Frylock:
Or his batteries could've just run out.

Oglethorpe:
AHH! The Remonster is dead, now and forever! [Frylock unplugs the cable, causing the TV to display only static] The TV is dead! Death! We are surrounded by it!

Oglethorpe:
We have successfully traveled eons across both space and time, through the Fargate......... to get FREE CABLE!

Emory:
I think it's a st- Star...gate....

Oglethorpe:
It's the Fargate! "F"! It's different from that movie that I've never seen, so how would I copy it?

Emory:
Chill, man. It's all right, let's just turn it on!

'Oglethorpe:
I just want to make sure that we are clear it's the Fargate! "Goes far", get it? And there it is no way it came from that movie, or that syndicated series based on the movie!

Emory:
But.... it sure was a good movie.....

Oglethorpe:
Yeah, yes it was...

Master Shake:
[attacking the TV] Who's laughing now, bitch?! Piece of crap cable!

Frylock:
What are you doing?

Master Shake:
Maintenance! Shut up!

Meatwad:
No, no, no.... don't shake it up, let the snow settle! That way you can see the little San Fransisco in there!

Master Shake:
[enthusiastically] Well, come here! Let's see if we can see it together!

Meatwad:
Okay!

Master Shake:
[kicking Meatwad offscreen] HA! It's not a snowglobe, you IGNORAMUS!

Frylock:
How many TV's have you broken this year?

Master Shake:
A lot more than you have! I'm teaching this object a lesson. If it doesn't want to get hit anymore, it'll straighten up and fly right!

Emory:
Why don't we just...uhhhh....what if we just call him the Universal Remobot? I mean, he is a robot...

Oglethorpe:
But Remonster is his name, it's branding!

Emory:
This whole monster kinda thing feels a little tacked on, actually.

Oglethorpe:
I mean, the T-shirts say "Universal Remonster", not "Universal Piece of Crap", like you say!

Emory:
Oh, wow, you made T-shirts! That's cool.

Oglethorpe:
Yeah, let me go get you one! [Holds up a t-shirt with a character resembling a Powerpuff Girl]

Emory:
Wow, is that a Powerpuff Girl or something?

Oglethorpe:
No! Can you not see? She has a mohawk and a wheelchair! We are NOT getting sued! Where's the Universal Remonster? I want him to have a baby-T and a visor!

Emory:
Oh, man.... I think he went through the Starga-

Oglethorpe:
It is a FARGATE! From the makers of Findependence Day! We will give it a mohawk and a wheelchair if you need help!

Tv puppet:
Lean to your left!

Meatwad:
Okay (leans left)

Tv puppet:
Lean to your right!

Meatwad:
Right! (leans right)

Tv puppet:
Lean to your left!

Meatwad:
Oh, over here? (leans further right)

Tv puppet:
Uh-uh, that's your right!

Meatwad:
Awww, damn it!

Tv puppet:
Now lean to your right!

Meatwad:
Like this? (leans even further right)

Tv puppet:
Hey, you got it right!

Meatwad:
[Falls over] All right, cool.

Frylock:
Okay, Meatwad, that's good.

Meatwad:
I never get tired of hearing that

Frylock:
(floating near the TV chair) Now what's this over here? (gestures on the right side)

Meatwad:
That's a chair.

Frylock:
No, I mean is it left, or is it right?

Meatwad:
Well, it's a chair, and it's right over there!

Frylock:
Look, you don't need TV, it just ends up owning you. Next time you get bored try reading a book.

Oglethorpe:
We have no need to read. Behold! The mohawk of eternity!

[Reveals the "Fargate" that has been embellished with a Mohawk and wheelchair]

Frylock:
You guys are high!

Oglethorpe:
No. Dude.

Emory:
What? Are you cool, man?

Oglethorpe:
Yeah, are you cool?

[Oglethorpe shows up and hits Emory with a lamp]

Emory:
Ow! DAMN! You hit me in the chin!

Oglethorpe:
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a ghoul.

Emory:
Well, I'm not.

Oglethorpe:
Well, it was your own damn fault for making noises like a ghoul.

Emory:
Dude, I was flushing the toilet!

Oglethorpe:
Ghouls do that. When they're making brownies! Shhh! Do you hear that? He's in the attic now! Quick, grab a kitchen knife!

Emory:
Uh, the kitchen is IN the attic..

Oglethorpe:
Oh, great! Now he has ze knife!

Frylock:
Yep, I think it's about time we invested in a high definition plasma screen.

Meatwad:
I thought you said TV was bad.

Frylock:
It is. But we fucking need it.

Dr Weird (on answering machine):
Gentlemen, You have reached Dr. Weird's residence...NOW SPEAK AT THE TONE! (beep).

Voice (on answering machine):
Hi, uh, Dr. Wired, Wi-ehrd,Weird..."

Dr Weird (in person):
Steve? Send the phone spiders!

Voice (on answering machine):
We have a new long distance package featur-- SPIDERS!! AAAAAHHH!

Dr Weird (in person):
I guess we're not interested! Muah, haah haah haah, haaah!

Frylock:
We also made you a care package for your little adventure.

Carl:
Oh boy, fiber tablets. Yum yum.

Frylock:
Yeah, dip them in the stool softener. I mean it's, it's delicious.

[long pause.]

Frylock:
There's espresso there, too, if you-

Carl:
Leave!

[Thanks to Master Shake, Carl has a dead black man's body]

Master Shake:
This is not a time for you to be picky, Carl. That's all you can get when you go to the West End.

Carl:
[arms start beating up Carl] Get it off, rip it off. What am I doing, oh God!

Frylock:
Oh no! The body's rejecting the head!

Carl:
Oh, ya think?! Get it off me!

Frylock:
Hold on!

Meatwad:
So.. did it work?

Master Shake:
Of course it worked!

Frylock:
No it didn't!

Master Shake:
Of course it worked not at all. Which is what I was trying to say, before I was so rudely interrupted.

Frylock:
Take this body back, and not through town!

[Frylock has put Carl's head on a robotic body.]

Frylock:
I give you the ultimate in military hardware! Complete with laser cannon, indestructible titanium exoskeleton, and motion activated plasma pulse rifles.

Master Shake:
And you're gonna plug him in?!

Frylock:
You're right. Damn, what the hell was I thinking?

Meatwad:
Fudge!

Frylock:
That's not an F-bomb.

Meatwad:
Fart you!

[Carl's head is mounted on a remote controlled truck and it keeps ramming into Frylock's computer desk.]

Carl:
Turn it left, turn it left! I keep hittin' the same spot. Look, you're gonna break my friggin' nose!

Frylock:
Sorry Carl, I still haven't gotten used to the...

Carl:
Just give me the damn thing!

Frylock:
This switch makes it go left and right, and this switch is power.

Carl:
Which lever sort of turns me to the lawyer, [ ] and makes me sue the hell out of you?!

Frylock:
All right, easy Carl. Don't make me have to shut the power off.

Carl:
[terrified] D-d-d-don't do that. Just sorta put it on my chin. I'll frickin' steer it with my tongue. [his tongue is made out of glass and pushes the controller off]

Frylock:
That may not work. Let's just get Meatwad to drive ya home. Meatwad!

[Meatwad enters with the robot body that Frylock made earlier holding Shake in his vice grip]

Master Shake:
Get him off me, please!!!

Meatwad:
Yes?

Master Shake:
I didn't mean it! Everything I say about you, I mean about myself!

Meatwad:
Shut up, boy, I make it worse!

Frylock:
Not in the house!!

[Outside, Meatwad throws Shake up into the air]

Master Shake:
No-no-no-no I need to live!!!

Meatwad:
Zone in-target.

Meatwad's Body:
Target locked in.

[Meatwad's missiles explode on Shake]

Meatwad:
Got him! Fudge you, butthole!

Master Shake:
We don't need a toilet. The pile of clothes in the hallway has worked fine for us for years, and it will continue to work.

Meatwad:
I don't know whose clothes that is, but, someone ain't wearin' that again, I tell you that.

Master Shake:
If I woke up lookin' like that, I would run towards the nearest living thing and kill it.

Frylock:
Carl, did you lose somethin' behind the couch?

Carl:
Yeah, I did! I lost peace and quiet! What do you need?! What do you want?! Can I not just live here without having to occasionally deal with you animals?!

Frylock:
Well, yeah, it's your house.

Carl:
That's right it is.

Frylock:
And look what I just added to it!

Carl:
(Frylock opens Carl's door to reveal his "Super-Toilet" out in the front yard) Oh, nice. A crapper!

Carl:
(translated via computer) Oh man, I swear to fucking God Fry-man. I'm so fucking pissed right now. Oh, and by the way I hope you enjoy eating your own shit, because I'm about to rip your motherfucking throat out, and shove it so far up your ass, that you'll have to fart to fucking breathe, fucker.

Meatwad:
Is that an F?... He's droppin' F-bombs over here!

Schoolly D:
Man, I ain't tryin' to watch Carl take no criznap, baby.

Master Shake:
You call this organic!?

[Inside Frylock’s room we see Carl’s head is now attached to a body made completely out of eyeballs]

Frylock:
Well, you look in the box! All they sent were eyeballs.

Master Shake:
I’m not going near that box.

Frylock:
Let’s just see if it works.

Master Shake:
Wait a minute. Before you turn him on, do you think he’ll be able to see us?

Frylock:
In ways you can only imagine.

Master Shake:
But look, I mean, is he gonna be able to chase us? Because if I woke up lookin’ like that, I would just run towards the nearest living thing and kill it.

Steve:
[impersonating Dr. Weird] Gentlemen! Fill me with barbecue sauce because I'm dumb as hell! [a door behind him begins to open, an android speaking in Spanish is trying to warn him of Dr. Weird's giant head behind him] Yeah I know Javier. [Dr. Weird's head bites off Steve's head making him bleed on Javier causing him to explode]

Carl:
Okay, have a crappy weekend. Hope your house burns down.

Frylock:
Look what do you call it when he...when he wants to get out of this?

Tree Judge:
Oh that's the sweet release of death...yeah...EVISCERATION BY A THOUSAND BRANCHES OF A MIGHTY OAK!!!

Master Shake:
(trying to imitate tree) Typical! Filthy humans! You have no respect for us trees!

Shrub:
He ripped my arms off!

Master Shake:
Shut up! I didn't rip them!

Frylock:
Shake, you're making it worse!

Master Shake:
Go back to your "Strip Malls!"....where values are king....

Meatwad:
Have you seen my wife?!

Tree Judge:
(having an aside conversation) I have been on the bench for 100 years, I'm not going to look stupid here, Ray.

Tree Stenographer:
We know...We know you've been there 100 years, we all know that.

Tree Judge:
Well, look it up!

Tree Stenographer:
Like, no. You look it up. The book's always...I always have to get it.

Tree Judge:
Okay. Umm...we don't know...we're trees!

Tree Judge:
How old is the defendant?

Frylock:
He's uhhhh..... twenty-one!

Tree Judge:
TWENTY-ONE?!?

Master Shake:
(to Frylock) Eighteen!

Frylock:
How 'bout eighteen?

Tree Judge:
............. EIGHTEEN?!?

Master Shake:
No wait, sixteen

Tree Stenographer:
Umm, I think he's sixteen, ok?

Tree Judge:
We shall find his age! CUT HIM IN HALF! COUNT HIS RINGS!!!

Master Shake:
Okay! I'm an adult! Okay, it's fine!

Tree Judge:
Wood Court is now in session. If you do not have a lawyer, this shrub will be appointed for you.

Shrub:
Guilty! Guilty! My clients plead guilty!

Master Shake:
Shut up!

Tree Judge:
Please note Exhibit A: on the wooden video, you will clearly see the accused dumping the oil!

Master Shake:
Frylock, I'm telling you, that's not me in that video....because that's nothing! There's nothing up there! What the hell is th- this is bark!

Tree Stenograper:
Is the defendant a minor?

Master Shake:
(to Frylock) Daddy! Daddy, you're home from your business trip! And you're sober!

Frylock:
Shake...

Master Shake:
Mommy moved to the city with Mommy's friend Jerry! And he tried to hit me, Daddy! Not like you do, in an extra-mean way...

Meatwad:
Frylock, I'm friends with a toilet paper tube, an apple, and a box. I'm crazy in the head.

Boxy Brown:
Well, you gonna dis me boy, dis me to my face!

Meatwad:
Boxy, please, don't take it like that.

Boxy Brown:
Well how'm I supposed to take it, then?!

Meatwad:
We just wanna celebrate my birthday with some cake-

Boxy Brown:
Ah, I don't want no cake, I want me some pie! [with a chuckle] You understand what I'm sayin'?

Meatwad:
No sir.

Boxy Brown:
Well let me break it down: You know when you're in the shower with some fine foxy hoochi-Mama, and she got dat-[his voice becomes inaudible to us as the perspective shifts to outside Meatwad's]

Meatwad:
[a pause] ...What?!

Frylock:
Uh, Meatwad.

Meatwad:
[to Boxy Brown] Well, I don't know if I believe that. I mean I seen action figures without the pants, they ain't got that.

Frylock:
Uh, Meatwad.

Meatwad:
[to Frylock] Shh, he is talkin' here!

Frylock:
Oh, well I didn't mean to interrupt, but-

Meatwad:
Watch out! He's got a knife!

Master Shake:
You can't have birth without death. It's the duplicitous edge which we all walk upon.

Master Shake:
I am responsible for the paradigm shift in birthdays and how they will be viewed in following centuries.

Master Shake:
(to Meatwad) Say it! How many years are you?!

Frylock:
(to Meatwad) Just say how old you are, Meatwad.

Meatwad:
(pause) ....I don't know.

Master Shake:
Gee-wilikers. It must be obvious day on camp stupid.

Meatwad:
Can I blow out the candles now? There's just wax all over my cake.

Master Shake:
Of course, it's your birthday...but you gotta cough up the royalties first.

Frylock:
How much did that cost you, Shake?

Master Shake:
(exasperated) (Yawns) So tired of people in the private sector- Look, every business has an initial investment, okay? Everybody have birthdays and they all need to sing.

Frylock:
HOW MUCH...did it cost?

Master Shake:
(sighs, grabs ledger) Well, I guess we'll start with travel. Zach, as you well know, traveled by a train of white stallions...which I had to buy and feed... and of course, you know the snow machine-

Frylock:
(grabs ledger) Give me that. 1.4 million dollars?!

Master Shake:
The money is going to roll right in. D'you know how many birthdays there are in a year? There are hundreds. Literally...hundreds.

Schoolly D:
Shake Zula ain't got no business in business!

Zakk Wylde:
Is Milkshake here?

Frylock:
No, no, no.... I mean.

Zakk Wylde:
The beating I'm about to inflict upon him is going to be indescribable.

Meatwad:
He's in the back. Go ahead and get 'em!

Zakk Wylde:
Allright, thanks. Nice place, by the way. (sees Shake hiding in the back) Hey, I see ya!

Master Shake:
Zakk, my man! I've been looking all over- thank God you stopped by! (Zakk lifts up his guitar, pointing the "axe" end toward shake's head) No, no.... PUT THAT DOWN! (Zakk lodges the axe between Shake's eyes) AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!! GOD!!!!

Homeless Man:
(mumbling) I'm seeing trees! I'll take care of it.... I'm a tree..... I'm a tree wizard!

Master Shake:
Hey, that is great! Come on in, I've got a tray of muffins....

Homeless man:
Muffins! (grabs the tray of muffins)

Master Shake:
One, take ONE! (grabs the tray from him)

Homeless man:
Tree wizard will be six dollars and forty-eight cents! (mumbles)

Master Shake:
Kids are comin' to see the Black Mountain Scorpion Hoedown Blugrass Experience Gang, featuring Zakk Wylde on washtub bass. Zakk, did we not do the soundcheck?

[Zakk throws the bass at Shake]

Zakk Wylde:
No, jackass, I'm not working with any plastic scorpions. These things are beyond gay.

Zakk Wylde:
Why did I even get wasted and work with you? I mean, this isn't even a microphone. It's a stick with a marshmallow on it.

Master Shake:
The room is intimate. Just project.

Zakk Wylde:
Project what?! I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about!

Master Shake:
You gotta go from the diaphragm.

Zakk Wylde:
I mean I was fuckin' wasted when we recorded it!

Master Shake:
Hey, Zakk Mild, let's kick it up a notch. What do you want, a drink? You need some pills? Want me to get some bitches?

Master Shake:
(Willie throws the TV out the window) HEY! That was my window to the world!

Willie Nelson (the monster):
Well now it's been shattered by the monster. Pretty scary, right?

Master Shake:
No! Whats that word that's the exact opposite of scary?

Meatwad:
Tacos?

Master Shake:
Taco?! Where?! Get outta my way, those are mine I made them!

Meatwad:
There's a monster? In the attic?!

Willie Nelson:
Yeah... um, I was driven here by the villagers... when I was doing 30 in a 25... and, uhm, I guess when I say villagers, it's more like this one guy... I really didn't know him.. but- eh, I knew him, but it's not like we were buds or anything.

Master Shake:
Do you want him to repeat that?

Frylock:
No, I heard it.

Master Shake:
(disdainfully) Well, thanks for joining us, now.

Master Shake:
You are the gayest monster since gay came to Gaytown!

Willie Nelson:
Whoa! Easy! Where's this coming from?

Master Shake:
No! Let's get down to it. What I say is very baffling!

Frylock:
(Pulling Shake away from Willie) Hey, whoa you two. We don't want any trouble here, alright?

Willie Nelson:
No I'm with you. I don't think violence solves anything.

Master Shake:
God, you're gay! You don't think violence solves anything?! What kind of monster are you, anyway?!

Willie Nelson:
Look, I'm-- I'm pretty hardcore. I mean, I've been known to do a number on plenty of guys.

Master Shake:
Do a number? Yeah, I bet you do a number in your tights on broadway..which is where ya moved to after ya left Texas Chainsaw Mascara where you're from!

Willie Nelson:
What's he talking about?

Master Shake:
You wanna see how to scare the neighbor? Check this out.

[Shake rings the doorbell and runs away.]

Carl:
[answering] What?

Master Shake:
Hey, catch!

Meatwad:
[thrown at Carl] Hey Carl.

Carl:
[knocked to the floor] Aaaah! Get him off, get him off, get him off...

Willie Nelson:
Cool, can I try that?

Master Shake:
No. Only I can do that.

Master Shake:
[To Frylock] Great, look who just ruined Halloween... You know you're like the A-bomb, everyone's laughing having a good time and you show up BOOM! Everything's dead!

[Willie is getting ready to scare Carl]

Carl:
WHAT?!!

Willie Nelson:
Uh...

Carl:
What do you want?!

Meatwad:
Yeah, what do you want?

Willie Nelson:
[forgetting his lines] Uh...what are you doing here?

Carl:
I live here, asshole!

Meatwad:
And I'm just visiting.

Willie Nelson:
Well, listen, did you get any of my mail? Willie Nelson?

Meatwad:
Hang on, lemme look.

Carl:
Eat me.

[slams door]

Willie Nelson:
If it shows up, bring it over. If you dare. God, I suck.

Willie:
Wait, so, are we trying to scare him or are we trying to kill him?

Master Shake:
Killing is scaring.

[introducing Carl to Willie Nelson the monster]

Meatwad:
Hey, Carl!

Carl:
Who's this, your frickin' mother?!

Willie Nelson:
No, Carl. It's your neighbor, Willie Nelson. I got chased here by the villagers.

Meatwad:
Well, villager...

Carl:
Yeah, that's a great story. See ya.

[slams door]

Shake:
[to Willie Nelson] BLOODFEAST ISLAND PANSY!

Willie Nelson:
Nice head; I think I'll take it.

Frylock:
What's up with the razor?

Willie Nelson:
Oh, well, I shave once every couple days. It's nerve-wracking. It's supposed to be.

Shake:
Well, it's not.

Meatwad:
[horrified] You shave up there?!

Frylock:
Don't mind me, I'm just a sailor on shore leave... from the Ship of the Damned!! Muah hah hah.

Meatwad:
Okay.

Frylock:
You know, the Ship of the Damned?

Meatwad:
Nuh uh.

Frylock:
Famous short story about a ship that had a hole in it?

Meatwad:
No.

Master Shake:
Yeah, just go put on your ballerina shoes get the rest of the outfit, be who you really are...Dr. Zhivago. Yeah, you suck.

Frylock:
I'll just go get the candy, okay?

Meatwad:
He's gettin' candy!

Master Shake:
I got ten bucks says he's wearin' women's panties under that.

Meatwad:
... Under what?

Master Shake:
I know what I said, Meatwad!

Master Shake:
Now remember: You have NO regard for human life, especially women, because they have the organs that you wish that YOU had! So you want to make a suit from them.

Willie Nelson:
I don't wanna make a suit!

Master Shake:
Listen to me, that's how it's done. All you concern yourself with is KILL KILL KILL!!! You GOT IT?! None of this "the shaving, the shaving" crap! Cause it's throwing you off! And Who is gonna stop you ANYWAY?! You're immortal!

Willie Nelson:
Are you sure? I-I-That doesn't sound right.

Master Shake:
Please uh, do me another favor. Lose the shaving. Monsters don't groom themselves! THEY'RE FREAKING MANIACS! UUUUHH!!

Shake:
Doesn't matter cause I ain't picking those up.

Meatwad:
Well it's all your bull crap. All them Battlestar Earth plastic drink cups.

Skake:
Don't you touch those! They're in mint condition, and they're going to stay that way.

Meatwad:
I'll touch them all the way to the trash, that's what I'll do.

Shake:
You do that and your GI Joes are gonna be MIA my friend. Then who's gonna call, little mama joe, and tell her that her boy ain't comin' home, because someone fell asleep on guard duty!

Meatwad:
If anybody needs me...I'll be outside...with the shovel, sucka!

Master Shake:
Oh no, you don't! That bullion is mine!

[Shake rushes outside and begins digging; Frylock and Meatwad watch from inside]

Meatwad:
Look at him. He dumb as hell.

Frylock:
He sure is, Meatwad. He sure is.

[Later, Frylock comes outside to see Shake has dug a massive hole in the front yard; fire and water are spraying from a breached gas and water line]

Frylock:
No, no, no, NO!

Shake:
I know! The stupid pirates must have buried it under the gas line!

Frylock:
I told you fourteen inches!

Shake:
You tell me a lot of things! But that doesn't mean that I have to listen!

Frylock:
Oh my God! Shake?

Master Shake:
Oh my God, Frylock, WHAT?! Why's everything gotta be a federal case with you?...yeah, you heard what I said! I said it!

Frylock:
Oh my God! That is no ordinary sandwich, Shake.

Master Shake:
Oh my God, oh my- do you ever have anything good to say? It's a free sandwich.

Frylock:
It's not a sandwich at all, Shake. IT'S THE BROODWICH.

[dramatic music]

Meatwad:
The blue witch?

Frylock:
No, the Broodwich Meatwad, Broodwich.

Meatwad:
Wait... wait, say what?

Frylock:
BROODWICH!

Meatwad:
The Blair Witch is here?!

Frylock:
No Meatwad, the Brood-WICH!

Master Shake:
I'll tell you what it is, friends: It's SHUT UP and lemme EAT it!

Frylock:
[explaining how he's heard of the Broodwich] I read a very disturbing article about this sandwich in...the Bible.

The Voice:
No, you probably saw our piece in Vogue?

Frylock:
I doubt it, I don't read that...

The Voice:
Heidi Klum was on the cover. You know, the Broodwich issue.

Frylock:
Okay, yes. It was Vogue.

Master Shake:
You read all this in 'Vogue'!?

The Voice:
Our PR department is awesome.

Master Shake:
That's a 'girl' magazine! I hope you were at the dentist, Frylock!

Frylock:
[embarrassed] I... It just comes to the house.

Master Shake:
Of course it comes, WHEN YOU 'ORDER' IT, YOU BIG, FAT, 'LADY'!

Meatwad:
Heh heh! Someone down there's a girl!

The Voice:
It is the Broodwich. Forged in darkness from wheat harvested in Hell's half-acre. Baked by Beelzebub. Slathered with mayonnaise from the evil eggs of dark chicken forces beaten into sauce by the hands of a one-eyed madman. Cheese boiled from the rancid teat of a fanged cow. Layered with 666 separate meats from an animal, which has maggots for BLOOD!

Frylock:
See? Told ya.

Master Shake:
[pause] I tasted mustard.

The Voice:
...Yeah, Dijon mustard.

Master Shake:
How come no bacon?

The Voice:
Bacon is extra!

Master Shake:
You call this a sandwich and you don't even have bacon on it!

The Voice:
There are no swine evil enough to be sacrificed upon a bed of evil! ...And lettuce. Bed of evil and lettuce!

Master Shake:
Are you that guy that keeps tellin' me to beware? 'cause I'll tell you where to be...out of my sight!

Shake:
I haven't paid taxes in six years.. I am not gettin' busted by a sandwich!

The Voice:
Then you must find another with an appetite for insanity.

Shake:
Hey. You're dumb. Eat this.

Meatwad:
I heard what that boy said; I ain't eating jack.

Shake:
You're gonna let this guy scare you? How bad could it possibly be?

The Voice:
It's a world of skinless, blood-soaked nightmares clattering from the deep and clattering for the meat of the guilty.

Shake:
Oh, come on. The guy's just jealous. Go on. Woof it down, dog.

Meatwad:
Well I don't know, I mean, is the mayonnaise fat-free?

Shake:
You're a dog.

Meatwad:
'Cause, you know, it's not the calories that get you, man. It's the saturated fats.

Shake:
[stuffs Meatwad's mouth with the Broodwich] Woof it, you mutt.

Frylock:
Meatwad, no!

[Meatwad gets sent to Hell]

Shake:
Hey, did you hear what I called him? He can't do jack about it. [Meatwad reappears from Hell] Hey! How'd ya like Mr. Sticks?! He was a real treat, wasn't he?

Meatwad:
Yeah... Jerry said you guys had a little run-in, but he's a decent guy, I mean, once you get to know him.

Shake:
Bull crap! I know that guy was all over you with his axe!

Meatwad:
Nah, that don't sound like Jerry. Now, the Jerry I know took me to Merry Christmas... which is a strip club... Merry Triple X-mas.. You see what I'm saying? You see what I'm saying!?

Shake:
Gimme that sandwich!!

[Shake quickly eats the Broodwich and been sent to hell]

Frylock:
Wow, so you're saying it was fun?

Meatwad:
Hell no! That sumbitch had an axe!

[Cut to hell, where Shake appears next to two stick-men]

Jerry:
So, I don't know, she's like, "move your skulls to the basement, because I got these 'drapes'..." I don't even get that, I’m like, "Honey, this is 'work'."

Stick Man 2:
Are you serious?

Jerry:
I can’t put ‘em in the fucking basement, I mean, and she’s like, you know, “Can you put a tarp over them, also?” And I just felt like...NO! I’m not... god damn it!

Stick Man 2:
I got one at home just like it. And I got a kid now, and so...

Jerry:
That’s a whole other set of bullshit, I’m sure.

Stick Man 2:
So, Cathy puts the co-sleeper right next to my preserved brain collection, and she wants me to move them cause she thinks it's not hygienic.

Jerry:
I don't understand how there's a lack of appreciation for that... backlight coming through the glass of the jars that the brains are in. I mean, it just looks cool.

Stick Man 2:
You've seen that?

Jerry:
Why move it? That's the point of putting it next to the window.

Stick Man 2:
Right.

Jerry:
And I’m sure you've explained that to Cathy, but she obviously doesn't get that.

Stick Man 2:
Yeah. Yeah, there's no... yeah, I can’t even argue with her.

Jerry:
Ugh, it's fuckin' ridiculous.

Stick Man 2:
If I want to move the bed... (sees Shake) Hey. Hey, isn't that that guy?

Master Shake:
And what's with the toilet seat, right?

Jerry:
—Oh what the fuck!?!

[Jerry begins to chase Shake, wielding an axe]

Master Shake:
Jerry, no! We're cool! We're cool, man!

[Shake has a trophy]:

Shake:
Oh, sweetness.

Frylock:
Hey, Shake, whatcha got there?

Shake:
No, do not get near this.

Frylock:
Well, what is it?

Shake:
Just the fruits of victory. I wouldn't expect you to know anything about it, being a loser.

Frylock:
The shake 'em up finals?

Shake:
Yeah, I won 'Participant'

Frylock:
Shake, don't tell me you used the Danger Cart in some demolition derby.

Shake:
Hell no, I got my own wheels.

[Carl Knocks on the door]:

Carl:
Hey, open up, or I'm opening it for you.

Shake:
[Leaving] Well, you know the drill.

Frylock:
Drill? No, I don't. [Opens the door] Hey.. Carl.. how you doin' man?

Carl:
Take a look at that.

[Carl's Car is completely totaled]:

Frylock:
Ooo. Hey, Carl. This is pretty boss man. Where'd you get those graphics done?

Carl:
Thank you, I didn't frickin' do it.

Frylock:
Well, then why are you showin' it to me?

Carl:
Someone stole it, raced it, and brought it back!

Frylock:
Oh, well, I mean, you did call the police, right?

Carl:
Heh, heh, yeah, good one. Oh, I never thought of that. No they, they stopped takin' my calls like, long ago.

Frylock:
Well, uh, we're kinda not...detectives anymore. I mean, that wasn't making us a whole lotta money.

[Frylock is explaining what's wrong with the car to Meatwad.]

Frylock:
The radiator's split, the tranny's shot, the wheels are melted, the crankshaft somehow found its way into the woofer in the back, and all the fluids are in the floorboard!

Meatwad:
Nah it ain't. This just the soft-drink machine.

Frylock:
They're fluids, Meatwad!

Meatwad:
Soft drink's a fluid.

[Meatwad walks out of the house with braided hair.]

Meatwad:
No, sir. But now we got us a mail-order telemarket business. Ultra Mega Braid. Carl, I see you're noticing my braids.

Carl:
No, I'm not.

Meatwad:
Did you know that you can have braids just like this? With Ultra Mega Braid!

Frylock:
Carl, you wanna try one out?

Carl:
No.

Frylock:
We could do your shoulders.

Meatwad:
They come in seven different colors, and you could add decorative beads and glitter. Make your own, unique Ultra Mega Braid!

Frylock:
3.99.

Carl:
Hey, kiss my Ultra Mega Ass!

[Carl walks away.]

Meatwad:
Are you depressed? Has our interest rates got you down? My name is Meatwad, and today I'm here to offer you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Sell your organs! LIVE! Over the Internet! Get money back on your baby! That don't sound right. Where's my sheet?

Frylock:
You know, you don't really need kidneys.

Meatwad:
I know it's shallow, but hey, I want some. It's a status thing. That's what separates the men from the animals.

Frylock:
Actually, Meatwad, animals have kidneys, too.

Meatwad:
Well, animals ain't got no job working for the city.

Frylock:
Neither do you.

Meatwad:
Yeah, well...damn! You burned me. I got nothing. [to Carl] So back off my car and hold your roll.

Carl:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ease off the pedal there, Jeff Gordon. I am keeping the graphics.

[Meatwad is hitting the engine of the Hotwad with a plastic saw.]

Meatwad:
Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Okay, that should do it. Okay now, when I say "crank it", you do whatever it is people do when they're told to do that.

Boxy Brown:
Uh-uh! I ain't hearin' that. See, you askin', or you tellin'? 'Cause nobody tells Boxy Brown!

Meatwad:
Boxy, this isn't a big deal. I mean, I'm just asking a favor. Now if you remember, I helped you move your grandma to the home, and that was my day off.

Boxy Brown:
Oh, that was no grandma, boy. That was a grocery bag.

Meatwad:
But you just a box.

Boxy Brown:
[extremely angry] I just a what, bitch?!

Meatwad:
Y-You Duke of New York. You're A Number 1.

Boxy Brown:
[shouts] You say that louder, boy!

Meatwad:
'YOU DUKE OF NEW YORK A NUMBER ONE!'

Boxy Brown:
He-he-he-he-he. Yeah!

[Shake brings a plastic drill to Meatwad who is using a plastic saw to fix his car. Shake drops the drill and it explodes.]

Shake:
Get out of there! What, are you trying to break it?! [looks down at crater left by exploded drill] It's not metric?!

Meatwad [recounting a mechanic's appraisal of the car]:
He said that the hobbit, that turns the crank case is depressed, and needs therapy. We need to get us a new hobbit. They's from the land beyond time, land beyond time's also gonna hook us up with a unicorn for the radiator, I ain't even gonna tell you bout that haunted air condition. Then that air filter, that's made of plutonium, that's gonna require Superman, so, you know, plus shippin' from Krypton. Then the cow, jumped over the moon...

Frylock:
Is this what he told you or...how you heard it?

Meatwad You should look at it yourself. I don't even know anymore.

Frylock:
Wow, he really did write all that. What an asshole.

Frylock:
Okay, now crank it.

Meatwad:
Okay, here I go. (pause) You ready?

Frylock:
Yeah.

Meatwad:
(pauses again) Ready now?

Frylock:
READY!

Meatwad:
Here it comes.

Frylock:
Okay. (pause) Come on, Meatwad, I'm ready.

Meatwad:
You ready for it?

Frylock:
I'M READY ALREADY! JUST DO IT!!!

Meatwad:
Okay, don't get mad at me. (turns on the radio) How's that sound? Do you like that song?

Frylock:
I meant "turn the key."

Meatwad:
I did! This is Key: K-104, Jersey's kickin' country!

Frylock:
The key to the ignition, Meatwad!

Meatwad:
(turns off radio) I'm turnin' it!

Frylock:
That's the steering wheel!

Meatwad:
I'm goin' left.

Frylock:
[sighs] But you're turning to the right!

Meatwad:
Go to Mach 1, engage warp speed. I'm late for work. [makes engine noises]

[Frylock and Shake are watching Meatwad from the house]

Frylock:
Shake, I'm a little worried about Meatwad. I think he's losing his mind.

Shake:
Watch this. I think he's losing his license.

Meatwad:
(hears sirens) Aw, shoot! The bronze 5-0.

[The "siren" is Shake with a police hat, badge and baton.]

Shake:
(calmly) Is there, uh...is there an emergency or something?

Meatwad:
(nervously) Well, yeah, I mean-

Shake:
Somebody having a baby?

Meatwad:
Y'know, I need to get to work and uh-

Shake:
What's going on here?

Meatwad:
Hey, I'm a wild man. I can't drive 55.

Shake:
[taps axle with baton] No wheels here, either...and you passed an inspection like that?

Meatwad:
Mmhm. Yessir.

Shake:
I see you ran through a couple of lights. And I'm thinking...surely this little lady wouldn't do that in her own town? Where ya from?

Meatwad:
Now, they was yellow when I went through them-

Shake:
(unimpressed) Uh-huh. They were red...like your ass is gonna be, when I get through with you. Alright, step out of the car, please. Have you had anything to drink tonight, ma'am?

Meatwad:
Oh, hell yeah. Can I mix you something, or-

Shake:
Alright. I want you to walk in a straight line to that manhole and when you fall down in there, I want to hear the alphabet backwards.

Meatwad:
Okay. (rolls off)

Shake:
Sucker! He-hey! (gets in Hotwad, makes engine noises)

[Meatwad goes to Frylock inside]

Meatwad:
Did you see that?! He stole my car!

Frylock:
Yeah. Did you get the plate number?

Meatwad:
Good idea! (leaves)

Shake:
(in background) Hey, what are you looking at?! Hey, it's not Sunday, lady! Let's go!!!

Meatwad:
(to Frylock) What's that letter that does this? (gestures) With the thing? There's two of them.

Carl:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, what was that noise?! Uh, where is my white hatchback?!

Shake:
[Playing dumb] 'Scuse me?

Carl:
And why are there skid marks there?!

Shake:
Uh, I just got through mowing the lawn...if that's a crime.

Carl:
I friggin' RENTED THIS THING THIS MORNING!!

Shake:
Yeah, we know how you did it. Congratulations. The bank gave you a credit card. It doesn't make you better than me! But you see, nobody gives me credit, because I'm a bad risk and I don't pay my bills on time. So I have to work for what I have.

Carl:
Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...

Shake:
What? Class? Style? I don't think so. Thank God I got a hip transplant. Now why don't you go back into your house and shut up?

[Carl's head explodes]

Meatwad:
Why'd he do that?

Shake:
Why wouldn't he?

Frylock:
It says here that this wisdom cube is the wisest being in the universe and he travels the galaxies feeding off knowledge.

Meatwad:
He be feeding off them microwave burritos, too.

Frylock:
Those are gone?!

Meatwad:
There were six this morning, there ain't none now. He's gassy, boy. Don't say nothing about him fartin'.

Frylock:
Oh, he's just doing that with his mouth Meatwad. Sometimes the most brilliant people are the most eccentric.

Meatwad:
Really? That's a dead-on impression of a butt.

Wisdom Cube:
This one time, I ate boiled peanuts, and I'd like to have got sick.

Frylock:
[trying to get away from the Wisdom Cube] Look, there's Carl! Hey, Carl! Hey! Hey! Hold up, man!

Carl:
No, no, no, don't come over here.

Frylock:
Don't go anywhere! Stay right there!

Wisdom Cube:
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Frylock:
Hey, look man, I'm sorry, I'd love to stay here with you, but I gotta go ever there with Carl...and spank him.

Wisdom Cube:
Shut up and fish!

[Frylock is going over to Carl to get away from the Wisdom Cube]

Carl:
No, no, I got nothin' to say to you.

Frylock:
Nothin' personal [Frylock starts spanking Carl]

Carl:
Oh, thank you.

Wisdom Cube:
[from away] Hey, nice yard! It's nice.

Frylock:
How's that restraining order comin'?

Carl:
For your information, it's still tied up in the courts, cuz I don't have photographs of things like this thing you're doin' here with my butt-why're you doin' this? Stop doin' it. Wait, no-no wait, keep doin' it! [chuckles] Let me go get my camera!

Master Shake:
I gotta tell you, a little of that guy goes a long way.

Frylock:
You know, that's just so weird. I can't believe that he's the all-knowing being of the universe.

Master Shake:
Yeah, all-being. He's doing the 10-pound ball joke all wrong.

Wisdom Cube:
[On the phone] Is this the golf course? It is? Do you have 10-pound balls? No? Then, how do you walk?! How do you walk with a...regular? Well... [Raspberries]

Master Shake:
I mean, that doesn't make sense any way you hear it.

Frylock:
Well, not to mention I unplugged the phone three hours ago.

Meatwad:
This one ol' boy, he give me a job mopping up late night at this children's apparel store. Shoot, he said I made a worser mess than it was. That's discrimination.

Meatwad:
This one time I rent me a pressure washer, start this business? "Meatwad Pressure Washing?" But then I's told, "You got to have a license." I says, "License? Hell! I ain't even s'posed to be in this country!" And then he got all mad.

Shake:
(calling Carl) Hey buddy, how's it going? You know, I just happened to check the pH levels of your pool and they are incredibly high! Not good. Fix it or I'm getting a lawyer. Okay, bye!

Frylock:
Did you ask him?

Meatwad:
What'd he say?

Shake:
Yeah, it's cool. We're all good.

Meatwad:
Hell yeah!

[They bring a pool float and sunglasses next door. Carl's house is surrounded by metal poles]

Carl:
He-he-heeeey, buddy!.

Shake:
You were home the whole time?

Meatwad:
Well, he don't ever leave the house, he's one of them, um, shutoffs. Sh-shutout. Wait, what the hell is it called?

Shake:
It's a shut up.

Meatwad:
Yeah, it's a shut up.

Shake:
I never thought you'd screen with me, Carl.

Carl:
(insincerely) Oh, I was just lightin' the grill, waiting for you guys to come over! Have a little barbeque, little beer...you know I love you guys.

Frylock:
Carl, you alright? You're acting strange.

Carl:
No, I'm nooot! Come on!

Frylock:
Yes, you are!

Carl:
Hey, race over here! Last one in is a rotten egg!

Meatwad:
Shake's a rotten egg!

[Lasers emit from the poles when Meatwad gets close. They back away, shocked]

Frylock:
Whoa.

Meatwad:
Oh, that feels hot.

Carl:
Aw, come on, why'd you stop?! Keep coming, ya so close.

Meatwad:
Hell yeah, well come on!

Frylock:
No, Meatwad, don't.

[he runs the float by the lasers, causing it to pop and burn]

Carl:
Wait for it.

[lasers come out the roof of Carl's house and shoot the float]

Carl:
Good, it works. Now, you try doing that with your body now.

Meatwad:
...okay!

Frylock:
No, Meatwad, stop!

Shake:
(waving sunglasses around) Carl, top shelf. Not the high-end model, but it works for you and, y'know, your income bracket, but don't worry, I'm not going to tell anybody how cheap you are.

[Shake accidently waves the sunglasses into the lasers, cutting them]

Carl:
Yeah, come closer there, Shakeman. You won't tell anybody anything. Ever again.

D.P.:
Oh, oh wait, uh hang on. Did you see like, a little naked dude, out in the street anywhere?

Frylock:
Uh, yeah. I think he's dead.

D.P.:
Oh, are you serious? Well, when he wakes up, make him drink.

Skeeter:
[at Carl] Dude, you wanna move your thing? You almost killed us!

D.P.:
Yeah, are you, like, begging me instead to, like, mess up your pizza face in front of your girlfriend over there [points at Frylock], 'cause I'll do it, man!

Skeeter:
[holding D.P. back] Dude, dude, it's not worth it!

D.P.:
No, man, look at my ship!!! [points to his wrecked spaceship] My dad is gonna be pissed!

Skeeter:
[to Carl] Do you know who his dad is?! He is totally rich...he will totally hook you up.....dude....we're drunk!

Carl:
These friends of yours, Fryman?

D.P.:
Hey, where's the club? I need to piss.

Carl:
They came from space, you know...typically, that means you're somehow connected.

Frylock:
Carl, I've never seen them before in my life.

D.P.:
So, you don't mind if I talk to her? [points to Frylock]

Carl:
Her??! Ha-ha, yeah, knock yourself out. She's a regular ho-bag.

D.P.:
[to Frylock] 'Sup, little lady?

Skeeter:
Dude, she's got a bit of a 'stache.

D.P.:
It's all right, she's good to go [gives Skeeter a fistbump]. So...my dad's totally rich, we own this dealership, and, uh, what sorority are you in?

Frylock:
'Scuse me?! I think you have me confused with a woman.

Skeeter:
Ohhh, she burned you, dude!

D.P.:
Oh, so you couldn't get in to a sorority?

Frylock:
I'm a man, all right?!

Skeeter:
This is beat. Total sausage party. Uhh...I think. C'mon D.P., let's get out of here.

D.P.:
Well, what else is open besides, your mouth, when you're like kissing on some gay dude and like holding his, like, muscles cause his arms are just like, wrapped around you and you feel like so safe, cause you're like, not that you're gay or nothing, but god you just want to bury yourself in his chest and just live there forever.

Frylock:
...I'm outta here.

Skeeter:
D to the P, let's go, I got the munchies.

D.P.:
Hang on, hang on...[starts talking to Shake] what's your name, babe?

Master Shake:
I'm Shake.

D.P.:
Ah, you wanna take me to your dorm room for a drink or somethin'?

Master Shake:
No, but I believe this little lady needs to have a life experience.

[Shake hands Meatwad to D.P.; D.P. proceeds to kiss him.]

D.P.:
Come here...

Meatwad:
What you doin'?! Don't kiss me!

D.P.:
What? It's cool, I got a rubber. What?!

Meatwad:
You stay outside. You scarin' me.

D.P.:
Dude, your buddy here is givin' me a rash.

Frylock:
He usually doesn't drink this much!

Master Shake:
I out-party you!

Frylock:
Shake, will you sit down?

Master Shake:
P.D., I know how to throw... down. Dude! And I almost said "throw up", but I didn't. I hold my boobs... my booze! But I hold boobs all day, too!

Frylock:
Yeah, this is beer number two for him, right?

Master Shake:
Dude, show him that sweet lung tat you got. Oh... wait till you see this. This is so awesome.

[D.P. opens a flap in his chest, shows a tattoo of his frat.]

D.P.:
Had to do it on the inside or my dad would totally kill me. Had to get wasted cuz it hurt like eight bitches on a bitch boat!

D.P.:
What else is open besides, your mouth, when you're like kissing on some gay dude and like holding his, like, muscles 'cause his arms are just like, wrapped around you and you feel like so safe, cause you're like, not that you're gay or nothing, but god you just want to bury yourself in his chest and just live there forever...

Steve:
Uhh, Yeah. Six inch on wheat. Umm, No mayo. Uhh, hang on. Dr. Weird?

Dr. Weird:
My ass has finally decided to eat my hand! [Dr. Weird's ass pulls in more of his arm] It hungers, for more! [Dr. Weird's ass eats him.]

Steve:
Uhh, yeah. Just the one hoagie.

Frylock:
Carl, let her go! You're highly infected! Carl I'm afraid... you've been clowned!

Carl:
Yeah, I thought my flip flops felt a little tight.

Master Shake:
Well, KNOW THIS! If you're an object, don't ever cross me. I proved it to your CD, I proved it to your window, and I proved it to your record player, and your lawn mower, and I will prove it to anything else—

[Shake is thrown from Carl's window.]

[Carl's wig has become noticeably curlier]

Carl:
Whoa, was my hair this curly last night?

Master Shake:
What, are you fishing for compliments? You know, that's a horrible personality trait, nobody likes that.

Carl:
You, uh, you have a brush I could borrow?

Frylock:
We don't, we're all, uh, bald.

Meatwad:
I got me one.

[he pulls out a toilet brush]

Meatwad:
I use this for my teeth, and my hair.

Carl:
Oh, yeah, I forgot. I live next to a third world hell hole.

[termites that Meatwad ordered have infested Carl's house]

Frylock:
Are you here about the termites?

Carl:
Oh yeah, partly. I'm certainly not gonna sign for any more packages with the word "Congo" written in blood.

Frylock:
You're taking this pretty well, Carl. Usually you're a little more pissed off when we pull stuff like this.

Carl:
Yeah, y'know, I don't lose my cool as easily anymore. I've kinda gone through some changes in the past 24 hours.

Styrofoam Head:
[ominously] The Clowning has begun!

Carl:
Who said? Someone say something? Hello? Eh, friggin' air vent.

Styrofoam Head:
God, I wanted him to see me! I wanted to say "It was me. I said it".

Bingo:
You fool!

Styrofoam Head:
God, don't you occasionally just wanna freak people out?

Bingo:
He must never know.

Styrofoam Head:
Oh, you got it, bud. Think he won't figure out when his feet grow to the size of pontoons?

Bingo:
Do you mock the Clown Society?

Styrofoam Head:
Look, I'll handle this Bingo. You just get in your little midget car, and your fucking big feet, and you fucking fly around.

Bingo:
Okay, but I'm telling Sparkles!

Styrofoam Head:
Oh good, then that means you're leaving! Now friggin' go, you stupid clown!

Meatwad:
Well, we're not American, yet, until we pass that dumb test. That test a bitch.

Frylock:
Carl is gonna join us, right?

Meatwad:
Yeah-huh, but he said he'd rather take his food out on the lawn, where there are witnesses.

Shake:
Out of the way! I will ruin this bird with my anger!

[Turkatron busts in and holds Carl by the throat]

Turkatron:
[while choking Carl] Drop the chainsaw if you want him to live.

Carl:
..help me...

[long pause; Shake proceeds to carve the turkey]

Shake:
I call the dark meat!

Meatwad:
Shotgun!

Frylock:
Shake, put that damn chainsaw down! Give it here!

Shake:
But I did call shotgun.

[Frylock attempts to pray over the food]

Frylock:
Lord, thank you for this food we are about to receive...

Shake:
[Interrupting the prayer, whispering] Excuse me, little help? Could I have the tacos please?

Frylock:
ahem This bounty of tacos...

Shake:
[Interrupts again] Could you pass the tacos? Could you pass me the tacos? [louder] Could you pass me the TACOS?!

Frylock:
HERE!

Shake:
Okay, then.

Carl:
This roll is wet!

Shake:
Sorry, please go on.

Frylock:
Ahem. For the fellowship we have w--

Meatwad:
Hey, hey. Wait. What's a fellowship?

Shake:
It's a gay bar down on 9th. Aren't you glad we're thanking the Lord for a nautically themed gay bar?!

Frylock:
For the fellowship we have with our neighbor, Carl!

Carl:
No, no! Do not rope me into this! The Lord does not need to know that I am here!

[Turkatron has thrown Carl through a window]

Carl:
I knew something wasn't normal, I'm not lettin' it slide this time - frickin' robot turkey - I knew something was up!

Turkatron:
Is he mad?

Meatwad:
Nah, don't worry about it. He's always got his butt chapped about somethin'.

Frylock:
Now who the hell are you?

Turkatron:
I am Turkatron. I have come from the year 9595 to save this bird that lies before you for he is the great, great, great, great grandfather... of Goblox... the turkey that's destined to lead the rebellion against master chickens.

Turkatron:
Do you know who Goblox is?! I will tell you who Goblox is. In the year 9595, a race of deformed turkey was genetically developed by chicken scientists as revenge against his bird brother. These turkeys would exit the womb doused in gravy; gravy filled with the giblets from a monkey. The French craved it and, as a result, turkey became the only food source for France, which is now called RoboFrance 29. I was later killed by the chickens! So, of course, you can see why I'm angry at those chickens.

Frylock:
Uh-huh. You know, you sound very familiar.

Turkatron:
Of course I do. Months and months ago, I had came upon your neighbor taking the form of the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future. But I didn't realize he was an agent: a chicken in disguise. Sent from the year 19... sent from the year 19...

Frylock:
9595?

Turkatron:
From there. They had evolved, big time! From beyond feathers, their beaks had softened and they acquired synthetic intelligence and appendages from the chicken black market from beyond the Moon!

Shake:
Are you serious?! Carl, Nextdoor Carl, is a hyper-evolved chicken from the future?!

Turkatron:
(to Meatwad) ...What? You are?

Shake:
He is. He ain't right!

Turkatron:
I knew that. And that's why I was sent here to erase his mind... and my mind as well. I had to be reformulated by rogue chicken scientists for the rebellion. They crafted my sleek, turkey body which allowed for safe passage through the time rift. So, in summation: the bird comes with me... dead or alive.

Turkatron:
Is that a taco pie?

Meatwad:
Mm-hmm.

Turkatron:
Taco pie!?

Meatwad:
I added food coloring 'cause it's a holiday, but it turned black 'cause I added all the food coloring I had. And I ate this butter straight out of the tub, 'cause it tastes good. There's a reason behind everything.

Turkatron:
Enjoy those tacos now, for in a thousand years they will be illegal! Ha ha ha ha! I think we all know why.

Meatwad:
We know why.

Turkatron:
Anti-taco legislation! Disestablishmentarianism!

Turkatron:
You know, that last bite, it reminds me of this severely long story about how the chickens became a master race through a freak accident involving radiation, and interestingly enough, to me, a marshmallow!

Shake:
Is that the same guy?

Frylock:
Yeah, I think so. He's crazy.

Shake:
I think he's really from the year 9595.

Meatwad:
I think so too!

Shake:
Did you hear his story?

Meatwad:
I heard it, and it checks out.

Shake:
It is solid.

Frylock:
Yeah, Shake, in the future they all carry their belongings in a plastic bag.

Shake:
That is a future bag. I say that with all confidence.

Turkatron:
Excuse m– excuse me!? Those are weapons! They are all laser-guided, and I get crazy if you touch them!

Turkatron:
Now where was I? Oh, yes, it was 1000 years after the tacos were assassinated—

Meatwad:
I thought you said they was illegal. Was they dead or illegal?

Turkatron:
Oh, is this your story now? Did this happen to you and not to me?! Well, listen up everybody, he's about to tell us all his amazing story! The one that happened to me and not him.

Meatwad:
...I-I'm sorry, you—you've got it—

Turkatron:
Are you sure I have it? Are you sure, since it happened to me, that I should be the one to tell it? Well, then, yes, thank you, I thought I did!

Turkatron:
Pass me more wine. I shall require it to finish.

Turkatron:
(drunk; referring to a chicken on TV) Damn you, Billy! Damn it! I... you thought you had my mind under your control, but now who's strapped to a wall enslaved by the chickens, huh? You... are strapped... to the wall... man. And, I'm not, but who is— you are... dick. (headbutts the TV)

Shake:
(angry when his TV is destroyed) Whoa! Hey!

Turkatron:
(drunk) Is that a time— the time rift! Is that a time rift over there?

Frylock:
No, that's a curtain.

Turkatron:
Move. (gets behind the curtain)

Frylock:
Hey. Are you all right?

Turkatron:
Get out of the time rift. You have no idea where this will send you.

Frylock:
Maybe you should lie down or something.

Turkatron:
Yeah, you wanna lie down cause I hit you in the face? [Turkatron passes out]

Carl:
(Looks ouside with a turkey leg and sees all the turkatrons) You have got to be freakin' kidding me.

Turkatron:
What are you eating?

Carl:
This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... (sees all of them aim their laser socks at him and gets angry) Your mother! (They shoot at him and he explodes).

Master Shake:
Chickens are a vital link in nature's chain, and that's why we use them to play chickenball in the house.

Master Shake:
The house smells awful.

Frylock:
Well, why? Why does it smell that way?!

Master Shake:
(hurt) Did we have to go to that tone...already? You start off so nice.

Frylock:
Look, alright? I'm sorry, okay, just explain. Please. Why?

Master Shake:
Well, this is what I did, see: you know how the flies have been a problem?

Frylock:
...no, I don't.

Master Shake:
And remember when I left all the meat out because I saw Mr. David Lynch I'm-On-TV do it and he got on TV from doing it and I did it and I didn't get on TV from doing it?

Frylock:
No, I don't remember that.

Master Shake:
Well, I did, and because of this, of course, you get rats.

Frylock:
Ughhh. So why does the house smell?

Master Shake:
I'm not doooone! Look, when we go in there...you need to watch where you step.

Frylock:
And why is that?!

[part of the house explodes]

Meatwad:
DAMN!

Master Shake:
...that is part of the reason. Now let's go in and remember what I said.

[One of Shake's landmines blew up and the house is now missing a wall]

Master Shake:
Its opened up now. I got rid of that stupid fire place so now the room has a flow. You feel it?

Frylock:
We never had a fire place!

Master Shake:
We never used it.

Frylock:
WE NEVER HAD ONE!

Master Shake:
Well I never liked it...

[Shake has just shown Frylock the monitors showing his room a complete mess]

Master Shake:
I'm gonna edit this.

Frylock:
Well you just have fun watchin' it by yourself because we're done being roommates and we're done being friends!

Master Shake:
Look, I had to do that. You'll understand one day when you're older!

Frylock:
I'll send a crew for my stuff later. See ya.

Master Shake:
Now I can declare that space as a loss...on the taxes I'll pay in August. Are you listenin' to me?! August is when I do it!

[after Frylock moves out]

Frylock:
Thanks for moving me, Carl.

Carl:
Yeah, well... thanks for leavin'. When are the other two showin' up?

Frylock:
Oh, they're not.

Carl:
...What do you mean, they're not?

Frylock:
Oh, you didn't know? They're stayin' in the house next to you.

Carl:
...That's not exactly what we agreed upon, is it?

Frylock:
...Well, I lied. But, here's that candy cane I promised you.

Carl:
Naw, save it for Christmas. Just stick it right back up your ass. I'll, uh, see you never.

[Shake and Meatwad play chickenball as Meatwad's eyes are infected]

Master Shake:
All right, now throw that chicken right down the middle. Okay, it's gonna go right outta the park, baby!

Meatwad:
Where are you? Where's the strike zone?

Master Shake:
Over here, follow my voice!

Meatwad:
I can't see! I got some sort of chicken infection in my eye.

Master Shake:
All right, fine. Go down the hallway and wash it out.

Meatwad:
No, sir. I ain't never goin' down that hallway never again.

Master Shake:
Then you pitch that chicken!

Master Shake:
Meatwad, it's for you. Someone who thinks he's your friend.

Meatwad:
(with severely swollen eyes) Bring him over to the light.

Frylock:
Ooh, Meatwad. How are you doing?

Meatwad:
Oh, Frylock! Hey! I'm very...can I tell you the truth?

Master Shake:
Meatwad!

Meatwad:
I'm very good!

Master Shake:
If you're that good, then maybe you should be putting some more foam on our fire. I'm not an Eskimo over here, y'know.

Frylock:
Well, your face looks all...puffy.

Meatwad:
No, no, I'm just tired! I-I fell down some stairs.

Frylock:
We don't have any stairs, Meatwad.

Master Shake:
If he said he fell down some stairs, he fell down some stairs! People get clumsy sometimes! Is there a problem here?!

Frylock:
He's sick, Shake, and so are you.

Master Shake:
Well, he's supposed to be next door, harvesting the crops, picking our dinner. See, we're farming now, we're farmers! It's an honest life.

Meatwad:
We ain't got no more hollow leaves over there, we ate that whole bush yesterday! That's why the bathroom hurts so bad!

Master Shake:
Well, what else did you plant over there?!

Meatwad:
I ain't planted nothin'.

Master Shake:
That's why you fall down the stairs all the time.

Master Shake:
(eating spring rolls) This has gone well. Tell you what- mmm, hold on- I will allow visitation hours, for you and us, provided- mmm- you bring lots of these little fried burritos.

Frylock:
Well...no. I'll see y'all later.

Master Shake:
Wait, wait, wait, h-hang on: anddddd you pay us a stipend.

Frylock:
Fuck you, Shake. See ya.

Master Shake:
Nononono, wait, wait, wait, hang on, hang on now. Come on, I'm-I'm being serious now. Seriously: a memorial plaque will be carved and bejeweled in my honor.

Meatwad:
He left. Again.

Master Shake:
(defensively) Those are the terms!

[The house is on fire. Shortly after, the phone rings at Frylock's apartment]

Frylock:
Hello?

Master Shake:
(eyes severely swollen) Aren't you coming back?

Frylock:
[Angry] Hell no! (hangs up)

TV Puppet:
This is your left, that's your left. This is your left, that's your left. This is your right, that's your right. This is your right, you're gonna die.

Meatwad:
Man. This is some good TV right here. [wakes up Shake who is sleeping on the chair] Hey hey hey.

Master Shake:
[yawning] What?

Meatwad:
You missin' some good TV.

Master Shake:
Change it.

Meatwad:
I ain't changin this. This is the best.

Master Shake:
[pulls out a flaming arrow] Change it.

Meatwad:
To what? Come on, this is good.

Master Shake:
Why don't we let the arrow decide.

Meatwad:
Aw don't do that- [Shake fires the flaming arrow at the TV] AW COME ON!

[TV explodes]

Master Shake:
And now it's changed. The changeling.

Frylock:
[from bedroom] What was that?! What's going on?

Master Shake:
What do you think it was?!

Meatwad:
It was you boy.

Master Shake:
[goes to an empty closet] What the- Hey! This closet was full of TVs last time I checked and now there's none.

Meatwad:
'Cause you keep breakin' 'em.

Master Shake:
'Cause you keep pissing me off so bad! You should be lucky I direct my anger at the media, and not your buttocks!

Meatwad:
Yeah, Frylock, please. Make us a TV. I mean look at me. How else am I gonna face the day? I ain't got no job, my wife left me, bills pilin' up, I got child support payments, and I have no idea if what I said's true. But I believe it.

Master Shake:
He is right.

Meatwad:
We needs to dull our senses.

[Shake shoves the TV off the stand and it jumps up]

Meatwad:
Whoa damn. Did you just see that?!

Master Shake:
No, we didn't see it. Everything's fine. Now just SHUT UP and go control it.

[Shake attempts to hit the TV with a bat and it jumps again]

Meatwad:
Damn! Did you just see that?!

Master Shake:
I'm not in the business of seeing whatever pleases you. [chases after TV] Get back here you son of a...

Meatwad:
Well I'm in business. [to himself] The business of kicking your ass. And let me tell you, business is booming. I'm open for business. Business of giving you the business...up your butt... [looks up and sees Shake looking at him] Did you hear me say that?

Master Shake:
You looking to expand your business?

Meatwad:
[starts running] Business is closed! Business is closed!

[The TV is chained to the stand]

Master Shake:
Alright! 's what's called taking command of the situation! Meatwad... you turn it on.

Meatwad:
I ain't going near that TV, boy! I think that thing's alive!

Master Shake:
[sternly] Go over there, get close to it, and touch it to turn it on.

Meatwad:
What'll you give me?

Master Shake:
Six months to a year. And brother, you are dead!

[A show with Shake on it is playing on the TV]

Meatwad:
Look at that thing! You on the TV.

Master Shake:
Well, uh... you know, I've been on TV a lot. See, this... oh, yeah, sure, this is my sitcom with a-

Evil TV Shake:
I'm in your house.

Master Shake:
...with a science-fiction horror twist. It's called...uh...

Meatwad:
What's it called?

Master Shake:
I don't know, shut up. I'm-I'm trying to hear my lines.

[Evil TV Shake stares at the camera]

Master Shake:
...the hell is this?

Meatwad:
Well, you said this is your sitcom? With the sci-fi horror twist? That's never been done before.

Master Shake:
Yeah, I know, I just don't remember filming this episode. I can tell my instincts are strong in this scene though, and I got a lot of motivation.

Psychotic TV Frylock:
[during Shake's sitcom] I'm the one who's sorry, OK? I'm sorry I made the cheerleading squad and you didn't.

[Audience members say "awwwwwwwwwwww!"]

Evil TV Shake:
It's OK. You were the better cheerleader.

Psychotic TV Frylock:
Well, I wasn't no slouch. Did you see me do those cartwheels?

[canned laughter]

Meatwad:
[laughs] I identify with that.

Evil TV Shake:
OK, OK, don't rub it in...

[canned laughter]

Meatwad:
[laughs] And there's the zinger...

Psychotic TV Frylock:
OK, then how about I blow it in?

[shoots him]

Evil TV Shake:
Wha -

Meatwad:
Shake! Damn!

Master Shake:
WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!?!?!??!??!?!?!?!?!?

Meatwad:
Something's wrong with that TV!

Frylock:
There's nothing wrong with that TV.

[The TV, chained to the stand, begins spraying blood]

Frylock:
Okay, something's wrong with the TV.

Frylock:
You can't use the cloner to counterfeit money, Shake.

Master Shake:
Look, we will discuss this when I feel like it. Right now, I gotta go get a new Camaro, 'cause that's where the shit is, baby!

Frylock:
[as Shake leaves with a bag full of bills] There are limits to how much you can clone. Matter breaks down over time!

Master Shake:
[heading out] Blah, blah, blah, blah, I'm sorry I'm not fluent in Dorkinese!

Frylock:
Hmmm, well, on the other hand, I could use this to feed all the hungry children of the world. Yeah, with my new chain of family-style restaurants. [Puts dollars into the cloner and the money piles up] Oh, yeah. Oh, hell, yeah! [Phone rings] Yeah, I'm busy. What?

Carl:
Hey, Fryman. Ordinarily, I wouldn't call you 'cause I don't like you, but you're on the TV, man. [Psychotic TV Frylock puts a six-pack on the floor] Check out channel...666. That's weird.

Frylock:
Look, Carl, I don't have time...

Carl:
Whoa! Hang on, I'm on it now! That is me. [Psychotic TV Frylock high-fives TV Carl and hands him the beer] Awesome! Awesome! Friggin' awesome! I'm on TV! I look pretty good. Chicken skin diet's really paying off for me. [Psychotic TV Frylock, after a toast, shoots TV Carl] Oh, God. You stay far away from this house. Do you hear me?! Far away!

Master Shake:
Frylock, get away from the money. The genetic structure is breaking down. It needs to be analyzed...at the Camaro dealership.

Meatwad:
Hey, I want some of that! I provided the seed money.

Master Shake:
[drops three dollars in front of Meatwad] Here. You tripled your investment. Now take a dirt nap.

Shake:
Who let the hippie in here? I got news for you, pal: The dead are dead, okay? So maybe what you're looking for is soap, which is at the grocery store. You know, food you don't have to pick?

Frylock:
Shake...

Shake:
They sell meat there...

Frylock:
Uh, Shake?

Shake:
...and while you're at it --

Frylock:
Shake!

Shake:
Now! Shut up! I'm talking to him!

Frylock:
He's George Washington!

George Washington:
[sighs] I am.

Shake:
Well, what the hell is he doing next to my Benjamins?

George Washington:
I have come bearing a message. Great Britain sought taxes from the colonies, and they paid for their greed with blood. Now, do you understand the price of avarice?

Shake:
Take him out.

George Washington:
Wait! NO! [Frylock shoots him repeatedly with a shotgun]

Meatwad:
[holding gun to his own head, with several smoking holes] I done took him out didn't I?

Master Shake:
Yeah... you really took him out...

Meatwad:
I knew I took him out..hee hee yeah! Hey, did I take him out?

Frylock:
Ah, we should have cloned twenties. Jackson wouldn't have given a shit.

[we go up to the moon where the ATHF "villains" meet]

Major Shake:
[to Rabbot] How did uh, how did you get here?

Rabbot:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0.

Major Shake:
I came across 190th and I came up to 110.

Rabbot:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0.

Major Shake:
This is, uh, this is asinine.

Rabbot:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0.

[villians cheer on Happy Time Harry as he drinks an entire keg]

Villians:
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Happy Time Harry:
[finishes the keg] Uuuhhh...that's it for this one.

Skeeter:
He floated it by himself!

Happy Time Harry:
What else you got?

DP:
Dude my dad bought me that keg! My dad owns a dealership!

Travis (talking through Randy):
His dad own deal-er-ship.

Happy Time Harry:
Oh yeah? Well my dad bought me this magic talking knife.

Travis (talking through Randy):
Oooh! What say? What knife-a say?! AAHH!

[Happy Time Harry stabs Travis in the eyes]

Mothmonsterman:
I bought a house in Belize.

Oog:
Oh me always want go there.

Mothmonsterman:
For like...dirt cheap.

Romulux:
Belize is a very expensive city, actually.

Mothmonsterman:
It's a country.

Wisdom Cube:
Ignignort. What's up?

[during roll call]

Ignignokt:
Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future.

[smoke appears]

Cybernetic Ghost:
Thousands of years ago before Sigourney Weaver-

Ignignokt:
Here will work just fine, thank you.

[smoke disappears]

Cybernetic Ghost:
Here.

Err:
And no smoking!! Gimme a smoke, gimme a smoke, gimme a smoke!

Ignignokt:
Err, stay with the patch. Your blood pressure.

Err:
[to Cybernetic Ghost] You tell another story!

[smoke appears]

Cybernetic Ghost:
Thousands of years ago I survived the quickening of the Dragonoids...

Err:
[inhales] Smooth and mentholly.

Inignokt:
Who's got a rad name?

Cybernetic Ghost:
Giglioranasoniphonican.

Wisdom Cube:
Super Fun.. Super Awesome Villains Forever.

Cybernetic Ghost:
Wait... Um... Giglioranananomicom!

Err:
Bon Scott.

Major Shake:
No...that sucks.

Err:
Banner Thomas.

Major Shake:
The Evil Gang of 11.

Wisdom Cube:
Super Awesome Villains Forever! That's mine! Hey!

Mothmonsterman:
How about the Midnighters?

Major Shake:
Illin...the Illin Villains.

Mothmonsterman:
You know, we're out at night...

Ol' Drippy:
How about Got Villains?

Mothmonsterman:
Nasty Midnighters.

Rabbot:
Monday Tuesday Wednesday-

[Cybernetic Ghost joins in]

Rabbot & Cybernetic Ghost:
Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday...

Inignokt:
Typical. Robots.

Err:
I kinda like that name. It's identifiable.

Inignokt:
Err, step directly on that.

MC P Pants:
Wait a minute! I got a plan see! I got a plan, see? We take these monsters right, we start a haunted house. Yeah, you feelin me? We invite everyone to the haunted house and they come thinkin' it's gonna be all scary and shit, but in fact the house is also for sale cause it's a Condo, get it? Like in Hilton Head and people are gonna pay big ass cash money to live there, right? And then we take all that money and buy more psychedelic mushrooms, ya feel me?

Inignokt:
More?!

MC P Pants:
Yeah, I already ate a bunch of 'em, so what do y'all think, what're we tryin' to do? Get me a record deal? Cause my label keeps on dropping me cause I keep on gettin' killed but I'm like I'm gonna come back! I'm gonna come back! Come on, I need this job man!

Inignokt:
Squash him, Err.

MC P Pants:
I will be back man. Aaah! [Err squahes him]

Master Shake:
[from inside Carl's house] Get your mouth off of me! Yeah we moved to Honolulu, shut up!

Carl:
Ay, you know what? They actually moved to Honolulu. Can you believe that? I just found this out.

Inignokt:
Oh, well...then give me my note back.

Happy Time Harry:
Hey did you hear- aw jeez. They're in the house!

Inignokt:
That's impossible. They moved to Honolulu.

Meatwad:
We ain't moved to no Honolulu-

Master Shake:
[kicks Meatwad] Shut up.