Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Season 3

[in living room playing Video Oujia]

Game:
Welcome to Video Oujia.

Meatwad:
[slowly] Spirits that haunt this house....COME OUT! And play with me!

Master Shake:
What do you think you're runnin' the Matrix? You're gonna break that thing.

Meatwad:
SSSHH! You disturbin the presence...

Frylock:
Shake, he needs silence so he can talk to the dead.

Master Shake:
What he needs is lack of oxygen so he can become the dead.

Billy Witch Doctor:
One convenient locations...in Africa.

Master Shake:
[final note before suicide] Friends...relations...whatever the hell Meatwad is... I've lived a full life. It's actually been...pretty bitchin'. But now, regrettably, my life has been taken. Please bury me with all my stuff, because you know it's mine. Dearest Meatwad: Turn on that dumb game 'cause I'm gonna wail on you from the grave, baby! Suck it up, mutha! Missing you already, M.S.

Billy Witch Doctor:
Chicken arise! Arise chicken! Arise!

Carl:
So uh, can we stop holdin' hands in fairy land here?

Frylock:
Okay, Meatwad. Time to put the game up. It's gettin' late.

Meatwad:
Come on!! Just one more dead person, please? Just one more dead guy.

Frylock:
All right, one more.

Meatwad:
Spirits that haunt this house. Tell me...what was we talkin' 'bout?

Game Ghost:
My sister's baby.

Meatwad:
Oh yeah, one them other dead boys told me about that. How she doin?

Game Ghost:
She's dead. We're all dead.

Meatwad:
Well at least she had all her fingers and toes, you know what I mean?

Billy Witch Doctor:
Please, all together, hold hands.

Carl:
No, no no no. No, no. No, sir. I don't know what kinda vibe you think got off me but I don't play that way. I'm not that way!

Frylock:
Carl..

Carl:
I don't uh... do both sides of the field. Offense and defense, you know, with the short shorts? No-

Frylock:
Carl, it's just a seance, it's not that way, come on, will ya?

Billy Witch Doctor:
Now, please. Kiss him deep with tongue.

Carl:
Do what?!

Billy Witch Doctor:
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. Just kid. Just kid, dirty boy. Touch hands.

[Frylock and Carl join hands and Meatwad takes a Polaroid pic]

Meatwad:
You boyfriend and boyfriend!

Frylock:
Meatwad!

Billy Witch Doctor:
Please. Read from sheets. I Am...

Frylock, Carl, Meatwad:
I Am...

Billy Witch Doctor:
Sofa King...

Frylock, Carl, Meatwad:
Sofa King...

Billy Witch Doctor:
We Todd Ed...

Frylock, Carl, Meatwad:
We Todd Ed...

Billy Witch Doctor:
Now, repeat all very fast, please.

Frylock, Carl, Meatwad:
I Am Sofa King...

Billy Witch Doctor:
Faster.

Frylock, Carl, Meatwad:
I Am Sofa King We...

Billy Witch Doctor:
No, no, not so fast. Loses meaning.

Frylock, Carl, Meatwad:
I Am Sofa King We Todd Ed.

Billy Witch Doctor:
Hohohohoh, you say funny thing.

[Spacataz - The Mooninites are flipping off the Plutonians as their ship zooms by the Mooninites]

Oglethorpe:
Oh, he did not do that!

Emory:
What, what'd you see?

Oglethorpe:
That dude back there just flipped me off!

[Cut to the Mooninite's ship]

Err:
Did he see it?

Ignignokt:
Oh, yes, Err. He saw the finger. My question is, does he know what to do with it?

[On the Plutonian's ship]

Oglethorpe:
Stop the ship!

Emory:
Okay... you know we're not supposed to stop, at this speed-

Oglethorpe:
Stop it at this speed!

[On the Mooninite's ship]

Err:
Ohh man, that's just gonna-- Oh man he's backin' up! Fuckin' fly, he's backin' up!! Come on!!

Ignignokt:
[giving both middle fingers] No. We'll double his pleasure.

Err:
[giving both middle fingers] Take two mother muchachos!

Ignignokt:
And call us in the morning.

Err:
Yeah, call us! We'll be drunk!

Oglethorp:
Hey what's wrong with your fingers? They seem to be all up in my grill when they would be better placed...CRAMMED UP YOUR BUTTOCKS...BIZNATCH!

Emory:
You should say that to his face.

Oglethorp:
I will, just as soon as I flip them off! I- [Tries and fails since he has tentacles and not fingers] You flip them off with your fingers, Emory!

Emory:
[Having the same problem] I- I can't get it to do right.

Oglethorp:
Well, then, show them the dark side of the PLUTONIAN MOON!

[They then start mooning the Mooninites]

Emory:
Hey, kiss this one.

[Cut to the Mooninites' ship]

Err:
Heh heh- what the-? Dude, they're moonin' us!

[Spacecataz- Oglethorp is planning to prank the Mooninites]

Emory:
All right, dude... let's just cut our losses, and walk away.

Oglethorp:
Nein! The time for maturity is OVER!

[He dials a pizza place]

Oglethorp:
Hello- I would like to order one million... no, wait- FIFTY MILLION LARGE PIZZAS!

[Later, when a cargo ship is unloading the pizzas on the Mooninites' ship]

Oglethorp:
Look at them! They are so stuck with that bill. It's not even funny, but I am laughing anyway! Ha ha ha ha ha!

[Frylock uses his newly invented shrink ray to shrink down a computer chip]

Frylock:
Amazing! Do you realize that now this chip can be inserted into a microbot that enter into someone's skin through a pore-

Meatwad:
[takes microchip] Or it can be inserted into the mouth, manually, so it can battle hunger and taste good. [swallows microchip]

Master Shake Oooh!

Frylock:
Tell me you didn't just eat that frickin'-

Meatwad:
Well boy you said it was a chip. So where's the dip? Or am I lookin at him?

Master Shake:
Oooooh! You did not even just do that! You are so dead! Oh NO you DIDN'T! Oh my God!

Master Shake:
Alright, my teeth feel gritty, and I'm gonna lie down.

Frylock:
I need that chip Meatwad. One way...or the other.

Meatwad:
Oh okay. Fecal matter. Stool sample.

Frylock:
Don't talk about it, just do it.

Meatwad:
Well I don't do it. My body consumes all waste material. It's like the Thunderdome in here, only, two men enter...no man leaves. Rated R.

Frylock:
No!

Meatwad:
Starring Mel Gibson, and Master Blaster.

Frylock:
Are you serious?!

Meatwad:
Yep.

Frylock:
You don't...

Meatwad:
Don't what?

Frylock:
Uuuhh...

Meatwad:
Come on.

Frylock:
Uuhh...you know...

Meatwad:
Look, we are all adults here. You can say it.

Frylock:
Uh, poop?

Meatwad:
[laughing] YOU SAID POOP!! Hey Shake, Frylock said poop in here!

Master Shake:
[from bedroom] Poop! HAHAHA! [vomits] HAHAHA! Poop!

Err:
Is he all right?

Ignignokt:
Cliff hasn't been "all right" since the lunar war.

Ignignokt:
It feels good to stretch my legs. Boy, I haven't bitch-slapped someone since Tucson.

Err:
Bend over slave!

Ignignokt:
Prepare for a pride-obliterating bitch-slap.

Err:
Carlito wants his hand back.

Ignignokt:
Cash our check and you will get...immortal.

Err:
Neverending life.

Carl:
...Nah. Sometimes I kinda wanna die.

(Master Shake & the Mooninites at a convenience store)

Master Shake:
What do you mean no? Do you know how much this check is for? 'Cause I do not!

Clerk:
Uhh, we don't cash checks here.

Master Shake:
And we don't respond to threats. Let me say it one more time in a language I like to call English. Or maybe I should say it in Mexicano: Get back there-o and cash-o de check-o, amigo. Andale! Andale!

Ignignokt:
He's not responding, cup. Lay into him more.

Err:
(from ouside) Lay into him some more!

Ignignokt:
I've got this Err.

Clerk:
Uhh, that thing is your check?

Master Shake:
Yeah, that is the check.

Clerk:
Well, we don't cash 'em.

Master Shake:
Oh you never seen a check before? Oh, me so sorry. Maybe you're in the wrong business, and maybe immigration would like to know about this.

Clerk:
Good, 'cause you know what? I'm American.

Master Shake:
Well, I'm not, but when I become one, maybe then I'll legally buy a weapon and we won't have to vote you out of office, won't we scumbag?!

(Cut to Master Shake & the Mooninites outside of the store)

Master Shake:
Unbelievable!

Ignignokt:
Unfathomable.

Master Shake:
Y'know, they sneak in and then they try to rule us. (Looks into the store) Well, I'm gonna sneak into your country and do this job there and then not cash any of your friggin' checks! How will you like that?! You won't, because you'll be here!

Shake:
What happened? Did he buy it?

Meatwad:
I bought me some gum.

Shake:
Where did you get gum?

Ignignokt:
Where did you get gum?

Meatwad:
In there. In the gum aisle.

Err:
Perfect.

Shake:
That's not what we sent you in there for!

Meatwad:
But that's what I come out with.

Master Shake:
Where did you get gum?

Meatwad:
In there, in the gum isle. They got a whole lot of stuff in there.

Ignignokt:
Tell me, were there weanie-wraps?

Meatwad:
Microwavable, but weanie-wraps none the less, and burger-dorps.

Err:
Burger-drops! (jumps through the window and starts shooting lasers).

Meatwad:
And burrito-cakes.

Master Shake:
I thought they stopped making those.

Meatwad:
And pizza-balls

Master Shake:
Pizza-balls?!

Ignignokt:
Do they have lil' turkey-muffins?

Frylock:
No, Shake. The other kind. The bad kind. The kidney-losing kind. In fact, this is not a check at all, Shake. This is a bill, for home care!

Master Shake:
Impossible. That's not a bill.

Frylock:
This is... Cliff, does anyone know a Cliff?

Ignignokt:
Yes, my name is Cliff, and that's not a bill. Tell him, Err.

Err:
That's a bill.

Ignignokt:
A bi— Why are we trying to cash a bill, Err?

Err:
I don't know. It's your uncle.

Ignignokt:
It is my uncle. Don't you forget it.

Err:
On the way down, I kept saying, 'This is a bill.' Just figured you knew something I didn't.

Ignignokt:
I did know something I didn't! But it wasn't that.

Master Shake:
Wait a minute. I've been hauling a radioactive bill all over town, for you guys?

Meatwad:
What are standards and practices?

Frylock:
Well, that's an interesting question Meatwad. Here, let's take a look at this video.

George Lowe:
Standards and practices are a vital link in keeping good and funny ideas away from you, the television viewer. Watch how this nun reacts when we blow her brains out.

George points a shotgun at a smiling nun's head and pulls the trigger. Her head explodes and blood starts pouring out.

TV Warning:
No! Permission not granted!

George Lowe:
Oh no, somebody's going to get an e-mail. What's a better, more acceptable solution.

The same scene is then re-enacted, yet this time a rainbow pours out instead of a blood.

George Lowe:
That's right a happy & colorful rainbow. Although not nearly as funny, it's guaranteed not to offend the black people.

TV Warning:
No! Unacceptable!

Goerge Lowe:
Ooo, did I say black? I meant to say minorities?

TV Warning:
Acceptable!

George Lowe:
Looks like someone's about to get an "A". By following the rules, you're guaranteed to make a mediocre product that no one can relate to.

Frylock:
So you see Meatwad, THAT's why I can't say the J word.

Meatwad:
I don't understand any of this sh*t! [Red Check mark appears]

Frylock:
That's ok Meatwad, no one else will either.

Meatwad:
Hey. Hey. Hey, hey. Do a search ... for free pizza. Then see if it come out this drive. [looks in empty cup] Is this a drive?

Frylock:
I'm reading my news, if you don't mind.

Meatwad:
News is good food for your mind, but I want food for my mouth.

[brief silence]

Meatwad:
[muttering] You better hear what I'm sayin', I'll unplug this whole computer...

Shake:
(angrily screaming) I should be the one!

Meatwad:
So, what was we talkin 'bout here?

Frylock:
Well people say they're seeing the face of, the J-man, and they're claiming to be healed.

Meatwad:
Uh-huh. Who's the J-man?

Frylock:
Ya know...starts with a J, son of...G. Died and went to H...on the C?

Meatwad:
Died on the C...Commode. Commode! Elvis! It's Elvis!

Frylock:
No, but he was a king. And he did live in a Graceland of sorts. [Frylock sighs as Meatwad continues to not get it] He looks like Ted Nugent.

Meatwad:
Oh yeah, I know that ol' boy! It's Je-

Frylock:
Don't say it! Let's just call him...Gee Whiz.

Meatwad:
Dear Gee Whiz, please bless thine presence with a 16-inch thick crust meat craver's special, with the mild sauce. Amen. And please bring a side of wings while we wait.

Frylock:
Meatwad, what the hell are you doing?!

Meatwad:
Shut up! He's making pizza!

Meatwad:
Oh, Boy I apologize. My hormones are goin' nuts. Now please, if you would, get the fuck out of my way. I mean, how many times do I have to fucking write ice cream on this fucking list before someone gets their shit in gear, and brings home the fucking ice cream! Maybe I should get a steak knife AND ETCH INTO YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FOREHEAD! HOW HARD CAN IT FUCKING BE!!!!! ICE MOTHERFUCKING CREAM!!!!! I GUESS THAT'S THE PRICE I PAY FOR LIVING WITH TWO FUCKING MORONS!!!!!

Master Shake:
What happened to courtesy? Did it just disappear?

Frylock:
I just can't believe it.

Master Shake:
WHO WOULD MAKE LOVE TO THAT??! How do you make love to...do you have a book...how do you do it, I'm asking.

Frylock:
I stole this ultrasound program off the internet.

Shake:
Well that's stealing.

Frylock:
I said I stole it.

Shake:
Would you get me the Lord of the Rings?

Frylock:
I already have that. It's on my hard drive. Ok, Meatwad, now-

Shake:
[interrupting] How 'bout watchin' it?

Ted Nugent:
Hey how you guys doin'? Anybody without a gun, a knife, a handkerchief and a chapstick get the fuck outta here!

Frylock:
Who are you?

Shake:
Gee Whiz?

Carl:
That is FREAKIN TED NUGENT! [shot with an arrow] Ahh! you shot my arm!

Ted Nugent:
Sorry man, thought you were a varmin.

Shake:
Wango ze tango eh?

Ted Nugent:
Yes it is my image you saw in that billboard

Shake:
I kept tellin' him, Ted Nugent. He's stupid

Frylock':
What are you doing here?

Ted Nugent:
Which of you numbnuts left a dollar in front of my billboard?

Carl:
Hey Nug, you gonna sign my arrow?

Ted Nugent:
Don't move man.

Carl:
I got a Cat Scratch Fever loincloth I still wear on laundry night.

Ted Nugent:
I'm tellin' ya, don't move!

Carl:
Why, what's the- AAAAAHHH!! [Carl explodes; rainbow appears]

Frylock:
Well I'm sure glad that wasn't blood. I would have been motherfuckin' offended out of my fuckin' ass.

Master Shake:
Me too, ya motherfuckin' cock-suck.

TV Voice:
[green check mark appears] Acceptable!

Meatwad:
Why don't you just go to the hose, drink you some water? Like the dog you are.

Master Shake:
I'm not turning on some analog faucet to drink some barbaric water. The mouth is a primitive hole that will soon be phased out; you better start takin' some pictures of those!

Meatwad:
Could you phase it out now? Cuz it's pissin' me off.

Carl:
What the hell is that?

Master Shake:
It takes your MP3's that you download live off the Internet and transforms them into this song!

Carl:
Yeah but will it do the ultimate song... Boston's "More Than A Feeling"?

Meatwad:
[to Shake] Hey boy, I'm Commander Meat, and you are in direct violation of Space Treaty 109. Your ass is mine.

Master Shake:
Ah HA! Treaties only go up to 103. Everyone from space knows that.

Meatwad:
Well, I mean I know that. I was just playin' with you.

Master Shake:
Those treaties are very real and very serious. [realizes Meatwad has the ehelmet Shake gave to Frylock] Is that, where did you get- That is not your ehelmet!

Meatwad:
Well yeah it is. 'Cause Frylock said it was stupid, that's why I could wear it, 'cause I don't know no better.

Schoolly D:
Yo Shake, I ain't wanna say nothin man, but you look like a motherfuckin idiot!

Master Shake:
What are you doing?

Meatwad:
Painting you with honey.

Master Shake:
Eh, that could be cool ... [notices a package on the ground] Is that... is that my package?

Meatwad:
Nuh-uh. This is MY package.

Master Shake:
No it's not, it's mine!

Meatwad:
I'm allowed to get a package if I want to.

Master Shake:
OK, so what's in your package that's not mine?

Meatwad:
I dunno, let's see ... (opens package) BEES, BOY, BEES!!!

Master Shake:
AHH, CARL!!! HELP! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY BEES HERE!!!!

Carl:
Bees? didja get that link I sent you, about the woman having sex with a bee?

Master Shake:
Will you shut up?!

Master Shake:
You know, I'm kinda gettin' a bad headache.

Carl:
Yeah, I know what you mean, man.

Master Shake:
And I don't know if it's this song, or if it is the heavy magnets that were inserted into the base of my neck.

Carl:
Can someone please just shut off all the sex? I'm starting to chafe here.

Meatwad:
Here's something that must be attached to your head.

Master Shake:
I just may. What is it?

Meatwad:
Well, it's an e-booger. See, it allows...booger transmission...to the snot network!

Master Shake:
WAIT!!

[Meatwad throws booger at Shake]

Meatwad:
I wiped it on you, boy!

Master Shake:
Wipe it off! Great, it's gonna harden now.

Meatwad:
What are you doin' ?

Shake:
We are advancing the world with technology

Meatwad:
Cuz it looks like.. dem boys is... that droids in heat..

Frylock:
Meatwad back away, that's not something you should be seeing.

Carl:
Will someone tell me what's going on here?

Meatwad:
They makin babies out here.

Shake:
We need the intelligence helmets.. go give them reason. Frylock, order the intelligence helmets immediately.

Meatwad:
Do Standard Delivery.

Shake:
Same Day! Same Day! It's gotta be same day!

Frylock:
Alright, it's here.

Shake:
Alright!

Carl:
Shut up, let him talk!

Frylock:
It has intelligence... but .. of a 4 year old

Carl:
Craaaaap

Shake:
That's fine.. A child knows pain... and a 4 year old would definitely run from this

Carl:
Turn it on!

Helmet:
No means, no! I'm telling on you!

Carl:
Aww.. I feel like I should call my parents

Shake:
Intelligence is a wonderful thing.. The control and restraint shown--

Helmet:
Oh Boy! A pool! Mommy I go swimming! [jumps in and gets shocked]

Carl:
No, Leave her! She's too young for you GAH!! [jumps in too]

Meatwad:
Good mornin'! I'll have me two Steak-Umms.

Shake:
You're about to learn the value of a hard...day's...night! Because you need to get out there, and start working on a job!

Meatwad:
That'd be a violation of child labor laws.

Frylock:
Well, he is right. He's too young...uh, besides, there are sanitation issues...

Meatwad:
That's right! This hand, been up my butt...but I'll touch your food all day long with it!

Shake:
Well, your congressman will know about how...bullcrap...this is!

Shake:
What the hell is this? I told you fireman, astronaut, racecar driver, maybe bikini judge, and this is what I get? Food service? Are you kidding me? This is third world, and I'm from the first! I'm number one, baby.

Frylock:
I'm amazed they even hired you.

Frylock:
Did you even read the training manual?

Shake:
The only thing I read are the zeroes on my paycheck.

Frylock:
Look, okay, I'll do this, why don't you go and give out free shots of that ham.

[Shake swigs down, then violently vomits back up, liquified meat from a pitcher]

Shake:
That was ham in that pitcher?!

Frylock:
No, that was "Fried Chiquid".

Shake:
Who friggin' thought of this place?!

Robositter:
Where's your phone?

Meatwad:
You can call Candyland with this one, talk to Gumdrop Larry. You need a calling card made of candy.

Robositter:
[smacks the toy phone out of Meatwad's hands] You are in big trouble! I want the real phone, and I want it now, or I will tear your soul apart!

[Robositter throws Meatwad against the wall.]

Meatwad:
[crying] I'm tellin'! I am tellin'!

Robositter:
Tell who? The hounds of Hell will feast upon you, and I'll make it happen!

Meatwad:
[crying and trying to open a bottle of pills] Can I have some imodium ad?

Robositter:
What did I tell you about the hounds of Hell you retarded mutant?!

Meatwad:
You said they was gonna get me.

Robositter:
You can have a pill. [takes pill bottle] Here let me help you open it. [throws pill bottle out the window] Go see if they're open. [throws Meatwad out same window]

Meatwad:
Okay.

Robositter:
SOMEONE BROKE A WINDOW THAT NEEDS A SPANKING!! [starts up sawing feature]

Meatwad:
[starts running] OH MY GOD!!!

Frylock:
You're liquified, bitch!

Shake:
Where are those girls? Did you give them the money yet?

Frylock:
Does it look like it?

Shake:
I was supposed to buy them wine coolers!

[Carl and Meatwad stand in front of Carl's burned down house]

Meatwad:
So it's either you definitely should not play with matches, or you definitely should.

Carl:
It's definitely one or the other.

Meatwad:
Which one you think it is, Carl?

Ignignokt:
I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. [hangs up phone]

Oglethorpe:
Dammit! Why did you hang up on me?! Hit redial!

[phone rings]

Ignignokt:
Hello?

Oglethorpe:
Hello.. this is Mr. Brown. I believe that we got disconnet-

Ignignokt:
I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. [hangs up phone]

Oglethorpe:
Ohh dammit!

Little Brittle: Please come visit me dawg Well back in 1912 I could kick your ass I did the tango and the foxtrot before it got banned There was ragtime and jazz before there ever was rap Now I'm trapped with a colostomy bag in my pants...

Frylock:
Oh no!

Meatwad:
Oh yeah!

Frylock:
Oh Hell no!

Meatwad:
Hell yeah!

Frylock:
We are not doing this again. No way.

Meatwad:
Yeah way!

Frylock:
This is MC Pee Pants isn't it? Isn't it?!

Meatwad:
No.

Frylock:
Okay fine. Sir-Loin right?

Meatwad:
Nope.

Frylock:
Okay, well who is it, then?

Meatwad:
Guess. [looking back and forth at a poster] Where are my eyes lookin'?

Frylock:
Will you just tell me who he is? 'Cause I'm not gonna look at your poster.

Meatwad:
This here's Little Brittle and the C-bag. And he's kickin' it, elderly school.

Master Shake:
Where do you two think you're going?

Frylock:
Wherever the hell we want.

Master Shake:
Not without me!

Meatwad:
We're going to see Little Brittle at the old folks home.

Master Shake:
Go without me!

Frylock:
(Flipping through pictures) You don't remember meeting us? Okay, a couple of years ago, you were a six-foot-tall spider that wanted us to help you drill a hole into the earth to unleash demons to run your global diet pill pyramid scheme.

Little Brittle:
The what?

Frylock:
All right, what about this one? A year later, you were a cow that tried to get us to bring all our garbage to you so you could use flies to evaporate the walls of a bank so you could get the money and...

(Flips to picture of himself in an S & M mask and quickly flips away)

Frylock:
So you could get the money to rent patio furniture that you hadn't paid for yet.

Meatwad:
And this is us at dinner right before we sent you to the slaughterhouse.

Master Shake:
Frylock! You're not gonna believe this! A prowler broke in here and forced your cupcakes in my mouth, and he said if you don't leave the room right now, and let him use the internet, he'll shoot me!

Frylock:
Fine.

Master Shake:
He has a gun, you know.

Frylock:
Well, he said he'd shoot you, so I did figured it was a gun.

Master Shake:
Frylock, I am completely serious here- [Frylock picks up a tray of cupcakes]...You had MORE cupcakes?!

Frylock:
Oh you think I can just leave whatever the hell I want around you?

Master Shake:
Well I leave things around you and I don't cry!

Little Brittle:
See, I released it in Transylvania so vampires would come and visit me and I could get them to bite into my neck and then I could become immortal! Why the hell do you think I made myself look so sexy on the cover?!

Frylock:
See, I knew it. I knew some bullshit was up with you. I knew it!

Little Brittle:
Look, yo. Brittle needs to live forever! Otherwise I go down to hell and Satan send me back as something worse! He's got all these ideas... he don't tell me none of them!

Frylock:
Why don't you just become Christian?

Meatwad:
That way when you die, you go to heaven, away from bad ol' Satan.

Little Brittle:
Can I do that? I mean, are they cool with vampires, because I gots to feast on blood!

Frylock:
No, you can only become one or the other. And the other, which is a vampire, is impossible.

Little Brittle:
Well then I guess I'm a Christian. Oh yeah, bringin in the sheaves ya'll! Who knew I had it in me? I did. Now kill me, quick!

Frylock:
We're not going to kill you. The moral thing to do is to let you die naturally..alone, in a pile of your own filth.

Little Brittle:
Look, it's easy. Just build a time machine, go back into prehistoric times with a satellite tracking device and a laser gun, blow up the comet, save all the dinosaurs so they don't die out and create fossil fuels, so there ain't no energy to feed my food tube.

Meatwad:
Or we could just pull this plug right here.

Little Brittle:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..do that!

Meatwad:
[to Shake] Hey, hey. Yeah, you. Where is my high powered video game console? I will kick some ass if I do not find it.

Shake:
I told myself I wouldn't do this, but you've been so good this week that I upgraded it with these special chips.

[Meatwad's game console is covered with food crumbs]

Meatwad:
[Eating the crumbs] Mmmmh, thems chocolate chips.

Shake:
Yeah, and "thems", ants! It's a new game called "Ant Madness" only this time, the game is real. Can you handle it?

Meatwad:
Deliciously. Hows it work? What's the object? How many bosses must I face?

Shake:
It is a race against time and terror to save the world starring Eric Stoltz.

Meatwad:
Oh, yea yea I play this all the time.

Shake:
Play again! Hurry man, before there's still time!

Meatwad:
[rolling around in ants] Just roll around in there?

Shake:
Yeah just piss them off real good.

Err:
[reading from a note] The Gorgotron has destroyed our armies and villages and people and all of our pets and he has layed waste to all of our...craps.

Ignignokt:
Crops is what I typed, Err.

Err:
But it says "craps".

Ignignokt:
I know, Err.

Err:
Craps is funnier.

Ignignokt:
I've processed that humor.

Err:
It should be craps, cause craps is a funny word.

Ignignokt:
Maybe we'll go with that.

Frylock:
So buying all this stuff is going to help you kill this Gorgotron thing? How? Just tell me that.

Ignignokt:
Well wouldn't your ass like to know.

Err:
That is why he asked.

Ignignokt:
I know, Err, shut up. I am in control of this conversation.

Carl:
Hello lady or gentleman of the house. My name is insert name and I am the one and only Moon Master, savior of..uh.. [looks up to see Shake and Meatwad dressed as moon masters] Oh man. They already talked to you didn't they?! Dammit!

Meatwad:
Shake!! Shake, Shake, Shake, Shake, Shake, Shake, Shake, Shake, Sha-

Master Shake:
(screams angrily) What?!

Meatwad:
(sees Shake glaring at him in front of the Aqua Teen door) Oh, so you just waltz out here and think that you gonna face a true warrior? ..and then, ya know.. sign my sheet and be part of my warrior list..

Master Shake:
Oh you better believe I will! After these messages![He goes inside and watches TV. Meatwad calls him again. He comes outside and uses a shotgun and shoots Meatwad's toy sword]

[Shake fires a shot gun at Meatwad's toy scept]

Meatwad:
You done messed up the Lunar Sceptor! There is but one in the known galaxy! Well, thank God I bought the three-pack.

Master Shake:
Thank God I brought three shells. Come on, whip 'em out.

Meatwad:
Well, whip on this. [pulls out an amulet] All right, hang on. Sha na na na na, sha na na na.

[the amulet glows and makes a sound like the ATHF theme]

Master Shake:
What the hell are you doing?

Meatwad:
G-Get a job.

Master Shake:
"Get a job?" What?

Meatwad:
You feelin' like any sorta like, meltin' sensation?

Master Shake:
No, but if I do I'm going to totally tell on you and then you'll have to go to jail.

Meatwad:
No, no, no! Please, don't tell!

Master Shake:
Oohhh, now that you mention it...

Meatwad:
No, no, don't, just, I-I won't do it again. I won't do it again. But stand still.. I'm gonna do it again. Sha na na na-

[Shake fires shot gun at amulet]

Meatwad:
Impossible, the lunar melting amulet is constructed of high tensile moon noodles. No mortal man can destroy it.

Master Shake:
Yeah, that's right.

Meatwad:
Then you, too, are a moon master!

Master Shake:
Now and forever.

Err:
Please help us [snickers] save our craps! [laughs]

Ignignokt:
Stop, Err! You're fueling my silent rage!

Meatwad:
Hey Carl, how's it going?

Carl:
Hey what?

Meatwad:
I'm just power walking.

Carl:
What are you frickin' doing that for? You're just gonna die.

Meatwad:
Yeah I know, but I need to drop a couple pounds. My feet's so fat I can't get into my roller skates, and my neckerchief don't fit anymore...look at this...[squeezes neckerchief on]...eeeeeehhh eeeh! [it doesn't fit at all] 'This a stickup!' It don't work. I do this at a bank robbery, I look like a fool.

Frylock:
All right, the running man.

Meatwad:
Oh no no no, I power walk.

Frylock:
So, how far'd you run, Meatwad?

Meatwad:
I powerwalked down to that pile o' gummy bears and back. I should probably set the pile out further … or closer, so I can get at 'em.

Frylock:
Maybe you shouldn't eat the gummy bears once you —

Meatwad:
Well, that's the half-way point! Shit, you don't put the gummy bears out, then there ain't no reason to run! Or powerwalk which is what I did.

Master Shake:
I don't know why your exercising. It's just sweat that you're gonna have to wash off. Exercising's for dummies and women.

Carl:
Yeah, you oughta hop on my diet, man. Started it two days ago and I'm already at my target weight.

Meatwad:
Which'un?

Carl:
South Bronx Paradise Diet, baby! Yeeeeah! The twist is you eat MORE than you want, then you supplement that with this special candy bar. And it ain't like them sissy No Crabs diet either.

Frylock:
I think that's No Carbs, Carl.

Carl:
See, but I have crabs. So I don't qualify for that. Have I told you that before?

Frylock:
Yeah.

Carl:
Funny story-

Master Shake:
Well, I don't have to watch what I eat OR what I do. Call me Mr. Untouchable!

Frylock:
Yeah, and that's why you're a candidate for heart disease.

Master Shake:
Well...I have three hearts...cuz I'm from Tattooine. And my mother-

Frylock:
No you're not.

Master Shake:
Really? Cuz you know I get my physical every year...on Alderaan!!

Frylock:
That didn't happen.

Master Shake:
[visibly frustrated] Well...I...I am from the Dagoba System!

[Meatwad struggles to lift weight as though he has done several reps and Frylock finally lifts it up for him.]

Meatwad:
Uhh. One.

[Meatwad drops the weight.]

Meatwad:
Mmmmm. This here's a good steak. A little chewy, but it will do.

Frylock:
Well, because the steak is a … cat toy.

[Meatwad spits out the steak.]

Frylock:
But, I don't know why a cat would play with a steak, but, I just put it in there to get you excited about your real dinner: this, uh, celery stalk right here. Mmmm!

Meatwad:
Well, it ain't workin'. Now, if you expect me to eat this, you gonna have to supply me with some wing sauce.

Frylock:
How about a twist of lemon?

Meatwad:
How about a twist of I gouge your motherfuckin' eyes out? Get me the goddamn wing sauce!

Meatwad:
Hey, can I have just one funnel cake … [softly] eating contest?

Frylock:
Well, fuck me runnin'.

Frylock:
Eww! It's a human liver! [pokes liver] Is this yours, Carl?

Carl:
Oh, all right. I don't know, who cares? It's dead weight is what that is.

Meatwad:
C-c-can I have it?

Frylock:
No, Meatwad!

Meatwad:
What? I'm about to die of hunger here! I need meat!

Master Shake:
Beep beep beep beep doo doo beep... Oh R2!(chuckles)

Frylock:
Carl you in here? Carl? Hello?

Carl:
Yeah?

Frylock:
No...

Carl:
You know, I can actually hear you, talkin', in your living room. I got some crazy amazing hearing. They don't tell you that in the book.

Frylock:
What are you doing?

Carl:
It's part of the diet, it says if you want to slide around on your stomach, don't fight the urge.

Frylock:
You know you're up on the ceiling right?

Carl:
Oh, oh yeah that, well, I like to be next to this light. Like, real next to it. Why? What are you queer?

Frylock:
Eww Carl.

Carl:
I told you, I can eat anything I want with this frickin' diet. It's great! [Carl unscrews his light fixture on the ceiling] And the kicker? No long term ramifications!

Master Shake:
[Lying on Frylock's bed with a pan of strawberries in an attempt to seduce Dusty] C'mon in lover. I'm just in here you know... wearing a mask and tickling myself with an ostrich feather. [Eats a strawberry] Oh ho ho.

Repair Man:
[Flips light switch off and on] Your power's back on.

Master Shake:
[Shocked]

Repair Man:
Hey. Can I have one of those strawberries?

Master Shake:
No! Get out of here!

Carl:
You're...ah...you're frickin Dusty Gazongas! I seen your billboard on the interstate there. You dance out at the Wild Wild Chest.

Meatwad:
No, you thinkin of that girl down at Funbag Junction. That's Busty Bazookas.

Master Shake:
I think you're talking about Nipple Hut.

Carl:
You're thinking Crotch Town.

Master Shake:
Crotch Town?

Meatwad:
Crotch Town?

Carl:
Yeah, it's near Boob-burg, but Boob-burg....eh, kinda weak.

Dusty Gazongas:
What IS my name?

Meatwad:
You're Dusty Gazongas.

Dusty Gazongas:
That's my name!!! [giggles]

Meatwad:
I can't believe that you let a silly woman get between you and your friendship.

Frylock:
'Specially one that doesn't even know who you are.

Master Shake:
It's disgusting, isn't it? Breaks my heart that I have to sue his ass back to the stone age.

Carl:
I'm right here, Shake! You wanna go right now? We'll go right now!

Master Shake:
C'mon, fat boy!

Carl:
Where are ya?

Meatwad:
Whoa, whoa, break it up guys, and listen to me. Love's a wonderous thing. But there's more to it than the physical experience, like … like … oh, hell, I dunno, she had some tig-ole-bitties, didn't she?

Frylock:
Yeah, she did.

Carl:
Amen to that.

Dusty Gozongas:
Who are you guys?

Wrench #1:
This pole is malfunctioning [Gestures towards stripper's pole]

Wrench #2:
Yes!

Wrench #1:
Perhaps if you were to dance around it.

Wrench #2:
Yes!

Dusty Gozongas:
Is that Pennsylvania?

Wrench #2:
Yes!

Shake:
Oh, God, how much longer? Egypt is so boring. It doesn't even exist anymore, I mean, you don't hear DMX rap about it!

Meatwad:
I find that this is highly effiligent in edumacationus for my brain, because, I am smart, boy!

Master Shake:
You tell me how this is gonna help you get a high-powered six-figure job. You think they ask Tom Cruise this stuff before he signs on his movies? No one has to know this, ever!

Frylock:
Shake, just go back to the gift-shop and let Meatwad and I enjoy the exhibit, okay?

Master Shake:
You need me here! I am a strong counterpoint to the headphones!

Meatwad:
I think we're having a communication breakdown here, because you keep saying "plague of snakes", and all I hear is "Easter bunny, Easter bunny, Easter bunny".

[Shake disguises himself as a thief to take the T shirt without going to jail]

Meatwad:
Man, You're thinking of stealing that shirt, don't you?

Shake:
Yeah, think about it. Yes. Now take the form of a hammer!

[Shake takes the shirt, and leaves Meatwad as a hammer. Guards pile on Meatwad.]

Santa Claus:
Ho ho ho. What is going on out here?

Santa Claus:
Why it's a big ol' happy easter e- [Easter Egg breathes fire on Santa] Oh God!

Shake:
[singing] Oh-hh my Go-od, I-I'm the boringest guy in the world!

[Giant Easter eggs have destroyed Carl's house.]

Carl:
Hey, make sure my house is completely crushed if you could.

Meatwad:
It's okay, they're in love. Hey, where you goin'?

Carl:
What're you doing? You missed my car! [Destroying his own car] Help me out with this!

Santa Claus:
It's the middle of fucking July! I was sleeping!

Meatwad:
Well, uh...

Santa Claus:
Those faggoty elves don't even come in 'til September!

Santa Claus:
Thank you, Frylock. If I survive...I'm gonna beat the fuck outta that little meatball!

Frylock:
Look, Santa, I am so sorry. Meatwad just got a little carried away, that's all.

Santa Claus:
He got a lot carried away. You know that remote controlled race car he wants? Oh yeah, he's gonna get it...FAR UP HIS ASS!!

Frylock:
Whoa, whoa whoa. Calm down, now Santa.

Santa Claus:
We might see if the reindeer like meat this year!

Santa Claus:
I can't see too well with the soccer ball lids...

Frylock:
It's okay.

Santa Claus:
...I believe this is Jeffy's house, and if I remember correctly...he wants a wooden train.

Frylock:
Great! Did you hear that Meatwad?

Meatwad:
All right, Jeffy's getting his very own...

Meatwad:
Wooden brain.

Frylock:
Train, you idiot! Train!

Meatwad:
Don't you talk ugly to me! I'll send ya to the moon with my magic shirt.

Frylock:
[resigned] Yeah, I know, Master.

Meatwad:
Jeffy's just gonna have to bite the bullet on this one. Because it has been a long night, and we ain't even done the eastern seaboard yet.

Santa Claus:
Just give it to him, he's...not a, not a bright child.

Shake:
Master, can I ask a question? You said we'd be trading off at some point. Is that close?

Meatwad:
We gonna finish up America, then we do Europe, then you knock out the Middle East yourself.

Shake:
Fuck you!

Meatwad:
Cry me a river, bitch!

Basketball:
Time? (laughs) Time is an illusion. The only time is party time, are we clear?

Wall:
Yeah I'm the basketball.

Meatwad:
So what...what kind of germs he got there?

Frylock:
Hypno-germs, Meatwad. Their only interest is to control your mind.

Meatwad:
Oh thats right, and I'm an asshole for asking.

Shake:
Thank you! You sir, you've got a nice young lady with you! What's your name?

Phil:
Phil Cabinet.

Shake:
You precious little thing, where ya from, Phil?

Phil:
We're from...Kill Yourself!

Shake:
Alright, Phil from Kill Yourself! And who's this with you? [growls seductively]

Phil:
This is my six-month-old, and her name is Wear a Hat Made Out of Foil. This is my wife, Lock Yourself in a Cold Dark Room.

Lock:
Hi.

Shake:
And how long have you two lovely people been married?

Lock:
Oh, about smear yourself with garbage and try to cross the freeway.

Phil:
We just celebrated our eat your own dung.

Shake:
Great to hear, yummy too! [laughter] Hey, Phil, thanks for comin' out. Like the shirt, both of you, you match!

Shake:
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Tulip Sniper!

Tulip Sniper:
Thank you, thank you very much! Die! [fires another burst] Die, all of you.

Master Shake:
All right! All right! Will everybody settle down please? We're not deaf! Okay.

Shake:
Tell him I've never been to Branson.

Filing Cabinet:
He's never been there!

Meatwad:
Okay, uh, I got a two-part question here. One, what's he doin'? Two, should we light him on fire?

Narrator:
And the princess turned into the Incredible Hulk. But not the Marvel Comics Incredible Hulk. A completely different Hulk, that we made up.

Bean Wizard:
I can't raise him from the dead, if he's been shot in the head. My powers are limit...ed.

Germ Master:
Bean and germ must never mate. It is written on this grape.

Pancho:
Brains! Ay qué delicioso!

Narrator:
Poncho and the Princess would never meet again, for a few weeks later Poncho met a younger, more illegal bean who wasn't in prison. And she bore him many children... and sued his ass for custody of them.

Germ Master:
Take her to the epiglottis!

Master Shake:
That is a lie and you are liar for saying that. I've never been to Branson in my life.

Frylock:
Don't tell me you don't remember that. It was just last week!

Meatwad:
Yeah, you ate that batch of bad ribs after the Gatlin Brothers concert and made Frylock blow the door off that truckstop bathroom because you said you couldn't wait for the bathroom key, squeezin' your butt cheeks together tryin' to keep it in.

Master Shake:
I don't even know Charles Branson. Someone's losin' their mind, Jack, 'cause that never happened. [pointing to Meatwad] He's already lost his. [looking at Frylock] I'm lookin' at you, big boy.

[Carl stares at unreadable writing scrawled all over the side of his house]

Carl:
Oh ohohohoh, super.

Meatwad's Voice:
Dear Carl, thank you in advance for feeding my dolls while we out in Panama City scaring up venture capital money for my stand-up comedy tour Meatwad Unplugged: No Buns Allowed. And also… we also gettin' a tan. Now remember Dewey and Vanessa won't eat anything but chicken chow mein noodles, and you know Boxy, he eat anything as long as it's deep fried. They need to be walked twice a day, and be sure pick up their doll droppings; you get a fine from the city. Thanks again. Sorry about the house big guy. Sincerely, Meatwad.

Carl:
All right. What the fuck does this say?

[phone rings]

Carl:
What?!

Meatwad:
Did you find my note?

Carl:
Oh, was that you, yeah? Thanks for, uh, etchin' it into the side of my house.

Meatwad:
Is you mad? You ain't mad are ya?

Carl:
Yeah, while we're talkin', you wanna tell me what it frickin' says?

Meatwad:
What what says.

Carl:
The note.

Meatwad:
What note?

Carl:
The one on the side of my house!

Meatwad:
Oh, that yeah, well, I don't remember.

Carl:
Of course.

Delivery Man:
It's, uh, $7.92.

Carl:
Yeah, here's eight dollars, and, uh, keep it.

Delivery Man:
All of it? I don't know if the bank will take all this.

Carl:
Hey, man, the night's young. Knock off for a bit. Let's party!

Delivery Man:
Oh, no thanks. This is gonna take me all night to count.

Carl:
Hey, don't be so uptight, man. I got a pool in the back, I got beer on ice and, uh…

[The delivery man drives away.]

Carl:
I'm callin' your supervisor, asshole!

Carl:
All right, that's the last of the W's. There's a Z left but uh... oh. Yeah, that unibrow. Ah, screw it. Look up 'Zambrano'. Normally I wouldn't do a fat chick from the flag corps, but uh...it is a new era!...of loneliness. Oh God.

[Rudy kills Stacy with a laser.]

Rudy:
Intruder alert. Intruder alert. She was robbing you. Was she robbing you?

Frylock:
Of what?! My virginity?! No, not anymore. I don't think so…

Bar Owner:
[flickering lights on and off] Go home!!!

Frylock:
…and I… I'm not a virgin. Uh… I never was. I mean I was. But I… I… Just get the fuck out of here!!!

[Master Shake and Meatwad play wing men as Frylock talks to Stacie]

Amber:
[eating] This is good.

Master Shake:
You're pouring them down your throat! Ya know, if you chewed 'em it would make them a little more enjoyable. Look at you, you don't care.

Meatwad:
Come on, Shake. Frylock's tryin' to get him some down there. Be a good wing man.

Master Shake:
I would, but she won't let me have any. I'm afraid to get my hands by the plate. She might suck 'em down.

Meatwad:
Guess who's baaaack!!! Come on everybody, group hug! Boxy, what's wrong?

Boxy Brown:
Don't you ever leave me with that fool again! I'll slit you up the middle!!!

Meatwad:
Okay, Boxy…

Boxy Brown:
Okay, nothing— motherfucker did not feed us!!!

Meatwad:
I… I will… I will know better next time.

Boxy Brown:
HE PEED ON ME, BITCH!

Meatwad:
Frylock, get him off me, please!

[After Rudy shoots Carl with lasers]

Rudy:
He was robbing you! Was he trying to rob you?!

Frylock:
No Rudy! He wasn't tryin' to rob us.

Meatwad:
Where is my wal- (points to Master Shake) He took my wallet!

Master Shake:
I got the what now? (Rudy shoots Shake with lasers) AAAHH!