Beverly Hills, 90210, Season 1

Brandon:
First day of school. Strange city, new house, no friends...I'm psyched!

Steve:
You got a nose job!

Kelly:
Yeah, I did.

Steve:
It looks...looks good.

Kelly:
Big improvement, huh?

Steve:
Well yeah, they took about a foot off.

Kelly:
Now I know why I broke up with you.

Secretary:
Mr. Clayton, would you please explain to this young man our new restrictions on leather this year?

Scott:
I can't find my locker. Number 1533. This place is huge, like five times as big as junior high!

David:
Yeah I know, the steps are even bigger. But the babes...are outrageous.

Steve:
She is the biggest bitch at West Beverly High. I should know, I went out with her for a year.

Steve:
Oh, sure, just put the gas in the ignition and step on the key!

Scott:
That is the studliest thing I have ever seen.

Brenda:
Just remember me when uh...everybody wants to get into your green room.

Brandon:
I mean, she knew everything about me.

Brenda:
Even how you used to eat Mom's makeup?

Brandon:
Nice house, man.

Steve:
This is nothing. You should have seen where I used to live before my parents got divorced.

Brandon:
When was that?

Steve:
Which time?

Brandon:
They've divorced each other twice?

Steve:
Oh, amongst other things. There have been other marriages mixed in, other kids, other houses, you know. What, your parents are still together?

Brandon:
Yeah.

Steve:
Well look, it's not your fault. You've got to stop blaming yourself.

Donna:
Oh, how embarrassing. I am wearing both contacts on the same eye!

Brenda:
So, who else is in his class anyway?

Brandon:
I don't know, uh, Andrea, Donna, Steve Sanders...

Brenda:
Dylan McKay?

Brandon:
No, he's too smart to take this class.

Brenda:
Or too busy chasing blondes?

Brandon:
What are you talking about?

Brenda:
I just don't understand why every guy's dream girl has to have hair like Daryl Hannah and a body like Kim Basinger.

Brandon:
Bren, I'm trying to study here.

Brenda:
Well excuse me for living.

Dylan:
Hi.

Brenda:
Hi.

Dylan:
I thought that was you, but didn't your hair used to be a little different?

Brenda:
Yes, no, well maybe just a little bit. I hate this color, if that's what you can call it.

Dylan:
It's not that bad.

Brenda:
If one more person says that...

Dylan:
It's not that bad!

Brenda:
Don't all you guys out here have a thing for blondes? I mean, that's what you told Kelly.

Dylan:
Blondes, brunettes, redheads... girls in tanktops... but, if you really hate that color, I, uh -- I have a friend who does hair and he owes me a favor.

Brenda:
Well, I don't really hate the color. But maybe we should still go see him. For a second opinion, or something, don't you think?

Dylan:
No problem.

Brenda:
I like your butt...I mean your bike.

Dylan:
Oh, well thank you. Hop on...my bike, that is.

Brenda:
Dylan says it looks incandescent.

Brandon:
My friend Dylan?

Brenda:
My friend Dylan.

David:
I think it's the blonde hair that gets me the most. I have this incredible urge to just sniff it!

Scott:
You better not be recording any of this...

Jackie:
I can't be everything to everybody!!

Kelly:
You don't have to be. But when you are drinking, mom, you are nothing. To nobody.

Jackie:
Someday I hope...you can be as proud to have me as a mother, as I am to have you as a daughter.

David:
Yo West Beverly, my name is Dave

And I'ma give you all the songs that you crave

And all the babes are gonna be my slave

And all from a guy that don't even shave, word.

Brenda:
I remember when I was a little girl, and dad went away to this accounting convention. I thought he was gone forever. I cried and cried. And then I wished with my magic star wand, and then he came back. My eyes were so puffy I could barely see him.

Brandon:
I wish I had a bag of tricks. But I don't.

David:
Yo, West Beverly this is DJ Dave

Now I'm not Vanilla Ice but chill out and be brave

Cause I'll rock the microphone for you over the air

'Til you say, "Who's that freshman? Check him out, he's aware."

Brenda:
[talking to Brandon] Well, whatever gets you through the night, right? I mean, isn't that what you always say?

Dylan:
That's what I always say.

Brenda:
Hi, I didn't see you.

Dylan:
I saw you...

Scott:
W-why does this class have to be co-ed?

David:
It's much better this way.

Scott:
Why?

David:
Because when they start talking about sex things with guys around, it gets them in the mood

Teacher:
Consent forms, people. I need them. You need them. They're required.

Scott:
My mom's never gonna sign that form

David:
Why not?

Scott:
She -- She thinks I'll be getting the wrong kind of message at school.

David:
Well what kind of message are you getting at home? Your mom has six kids.

Cindy:
So Shelley and Paul went to this spa. They spent two days soaking in herbal mud, and ended up completely potatoed.

Kelly:
[talking about Dylan] Brenda, bring him. There's always room for one more cute guy.

David:
Did you hear her say 'cute guy'?

Scott:
[laughing] She wasn't talking about you!

David:
You know, sometimes your negativity is overwhelming.

Steve:
Purple pleasure, a blend of 7 essential ingredients, plus vitamins A, B, C, and T .

Brandon:
T?

Steve, Brandon, and Other Guy:
Tequila!

Kelly:
You didn't say this was a date call.

Brandon:
It's not. I met her at lunch, she dropped her Latin paper.

Kelly:
Who would wanna date a girl who takes Latin?

Brandon:
I don't even know what to say.

Kelly:
Try "E pluribus unum."

Brandon:
Where'd you learn that?

Kelly:
It's on money.

Melissa:
Just for a second I would like to be a teenage girl...and not a damn baby machine.

Jim:
I love it when you talk crossword.

Amanda:
Dammit.

Kelly:
What?

Amanda:
It's after midnight!

Brenda:
So what? Do frat boys turn into pumpkins?

Amanda:
No, they turn into drunken slobs.

Amanda:
BNJ

Brenda:
What's that?

Amanda:
Before nose job.

Kelly:
And I'm sorry I called you pretentious.

Andrea:
And I'm sorry I called you gossipy.

Kelly:
It's ok. Sometimes I am.

[Group hug between Brenda, Kelly, Andrea]

Donna:
[When left out of group hug] Well...well I'm sorry for not having more problems! But I plan to.

Brenda:
Uh oh.

Brandon:
What's wrong?

Brenda:
You've got that look this morning.

Brandon:
What look?

Brenda:
That "Come on baby, light my fire" kind of a look.

Steve:
Yo, Sam. Sam!

Scott:
Me?

Steve:
Come here.

Scott:
I'm Scott.

Steve:
Whatever. What's going on with him and MC Hammer?

Scott:
David wants him to play at the prom.

Steve:
MC Hammer's not gonna play at any school dance.

Scott:
You know that, and I know that, and MC Hammer knows that. But unfortunately, somebody forgot to tell David.

Brenda:
...it's like, the geese flying south. Or north, or wherever they go.

Brandon:
Come on, Dad, you know how hard I work. And last night Nat tells me that I can't go to Palm Springs this weekend with all of my friends because his sister's sick, and now I have to work all weekend, but you don't hear me complaining, do ya?

Jim:
Yes.

Tuesday:
My name's Tuesday.

David:
Tuesday? My favorite day of the week.

Brenda:
It's weird, I mean, I want to be with Dylan and everything but part of me just wants to get it over with, like I'm the last person who hasn't done it yet.

Kelly:
Brenda, you are.

Donna:
Oh, you are not. Look, Brenda, you're really gonna like it. Uh, probably. Maybe?

Kelly:
Listen, who would you rather be with: Dylan McKay or David Silver?

Donna:
Look, Brenda, Dylan's a wonderful guy and you're gonna have a great time.

Kelly:
And you brought protection, right? So there is nothing to be worried about.

Brenda:
Dylan, stop talking and take off your clothes.

Jim:
So, which one is "Keep it Together?"

Cindy:
Oh, you know, it's the one about that uh, cute little orphan girl, Flipper.

Brenda:
Mom, it's Skipper. And she's not an orphan anymore.

[Girls in the hall cluster together whispering about Brandon]

Steve:
Forget the agent, what you need is a bodyguard.

Brandon:
Is this weird, or what? They won't stampede, will they?

Dylan:
No, only if they smell fear.

[Brenda walks into the Peach Pit dressed up as singing waitress Laverne]

Brenda:
Sir! Welcome! I'm Laverne, charmed I'm sure.

Nat:
I don't get it. What is it, Halloween?

Brenda:
Hey don't you worry, pops. You'll get no trick-or-treats with this little lady. I'm strictly a class act. A one hundred percent, U.S. certified, hostess with the mostest!

[Sal the Customer laughs]

Brenda:
See, here's a gentleman who appreciates fine beauty.

Nat:
He's a customer who needs an order taken.

Brenda:
Why, certainly. Would you like to hear today's specials?

Nat:
We don't have any specials!

Brenda:
The special pasta today is spaghetti. It has meatballs on it, with a red sauce, um, I think it's tomato....And for dessert we have pie. We have peach pie, cherry pie, apple pie, pecan pie, lemon pie, cream pie...honey pie. But if you want pizza pie, you gotta go across the street. Ask for Grito, he'll take care of ya. So what will it be?

Sal the Customer:
Anything you want, sweetheart!

Brenda:
You look like...meatloaf and mashed potatoes, am I wrong?

Sal the Customer:
Bring it on!

Brenda:
Only if you promise to save room for dessert! Ok, we got a taker for squished taters and a beefy roll.

Nat:
We what?

Brenda:
Mashed potatoes and meatloaf. Get with the lingo, pops.

Nat:
Brenda, you're too much.

Brenda:
It's Laverne...thank you!

Brenda:
Mom, have you ever felt like a phone call that's been disconnected?

Cindy:
Honey, goes with the territory of being a teenager.

Brenda:
Along with hormone hell. Bad driving. Classes that don't relate to life.

Sky:
Anyway, like I said, my name is Sky, it really is, my parents named me that. No kidding. And it gets worse. My middle name is Blueyonder. You see, my dad was in the Air Force. My mother was a pothead. I guess that makes me an airhead, huh?

Brenda:
Mom, these performance-oriented coffeehouses are really happening, I mean I really felt a part of it.

Cindy:
Right, is this button crooked?

Jim:
No, it's fine

Brenda:
And Dad I'm pregnant.

[Jim and Cindy look up at Brenda in shock.]

Brenda:
Just testing.

Kelly:
[waves to David] David!

David:
My God, She's waving at me!

Scott:
She must need something.

David:
She needs me. She just doesn't know it yet.

Kelly:
David, hi, um, listen. I really need you.

Kelly:
Brenda, how can you wear that costume?

Brenda:
Well Kelly, you put one arm through one sleeve, and one through the other.

Brenda:
[to her mother] You told him, didn't you?

Jim:
Brenda, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Brenda:
Dad, I know that. I just didn't want you getting upset over nothing.

Jim:
I'm not upset!

Brenda:
Well, why not?

Jim:
Because it...could be a million things!

Brenda:
Like what?

Jim:
I don't know. Maybe it's...well, an ingrown hair.

Brenda:
An ingrown hair? On my left breast? I sincerely hope not. You know, Mom, this is why I didn't want you to tell him, this is the kind of explanation Brandon would come up with.

Brandon:
What is?

Brenda, Jim, Cindy:
Nothing!

Brandon:
Uh huh...

Brenda:
Does a needle biopsy have anything to do with a needle?

Steve:
You know what?

Andrea:
Hmm?

Steve:
You're pretty cute without your glasses on.

Andrea:
[laughs] God! Is that supposed to be some kind of compliment?

Steve:
No. This is.

[Steve kisses Andrea.]

Brandon:
Hey. You're gonna be just fine.

Brenda:
How do you know that, Brandon?

Brandon:
Cause I'm older. And wiser.

Brenda:
And just how much wisdom did you accumulate in those momentous four minutes?

Brandon:
A small lifetime.

Brenda:
Very small.

Brenda:
Doesn't anyone know any more jokes? Dylan?

Dylan:
None that I could tell here.

[The doorbell rings.]

Cindy:
[Answers the phone] Hello?

Jim:
Honey, it's the doorbell.

Roger Azarian:
Survival of the fittest, Walsh. It's kill or be killed.

Brandon:
Talking about the jungle or Beverly Hills?

Roger:
Same difference.

Roger:
Want a beer?

Brandon:
No, thanks.

[Roger is holding a gun.]

Brandon:
What are you doing with that thing?

Roger:
Target practice.

Steve:
Crawford, get your finger out of your nose!

Kid:
[laughs] He eats 'em too.

Steve:
Take a lap.

Brandon:
Steve! Steve, what's the problem? He wasn't doing anything.

Steve:
Yeah he was, he was grossing me out. Last thing we need is a booger-picker playing second base.

Nat:
You know, the improvement from one week to the next is remarkable.

Brandon:
Oh, yeah. The kids are showing a lot of promise.

Dylan:
But, we still need a pitcher that can put the ball over the plate.

Nat:
Yeah, but win or lose, the most important thing is how good the kids feel about themselves.

Brandon:
Absolutely.

Nat:
Totally.

Dylan:
Yeah, I mean, in the long run, that's all that counts.

Brandon:
Absolutely.

Nat:
Totally.

Andrea:
Are you, uh, going to the school dance?

Brandon:
No, are you?

Andrea:
Uh, no.

Brandon:
Personally, I hate to dance.

Andrea:
You do?

Brandon:
Yeah. I always step on people's toes, I have no sense of rhythm, it's awful.

Andrea:
So, you probably wouldn't want to go even if someone asked you?

Brandon:
I don't know. Would you?

Andrea:
Well, I have fundamental ideological problems with teenage social rituals that basically do nothing but exacerbate fears of total insecurity and inferiority over one's appearance while frenetically exploiting, and I must hasten to add, distorting, the feminine ideal. I mean, in an act which reaches it's apogee with the election of the spring queen.

Brandon:
Was that a yes or a no?

Andrea:
What was the question?

Kelly:
Brandon, don't you think we'd make a great couple?

Brandon:
I guess I don't. It's like...I know you too well or something.

Kelly:
Well what if we were complete strangers?

Brandon:
I'd probably be in love with you.

Kelly:
Can't you fake amnesia or something?

Brandon:
I don't know it just, it...feels like...you're another sister.

Kelly:
That is probably the ugliest thing any guy has ever said to me.

Andrea:
Look, I feel like a fool for coming but...I don't care, all I know is, I don't want to turn into some deranged axe murderer...or...or worse yet...wake up one morning, ten years from now, and suddenly realize that I totally missed out on high school.

[Steve comes in wearing an eye patch.]

Kelly:
Look, it's Captain Hook!

Steve:
Isn't that what we used to call you before you got your nose job?

Dylan:
There's so much that we haven't done.

Brenda:
I thought we've done everything.

Dylan:
[laughs] I didn't mean that. I mean like...well, I haven't even taken you to my favorite surf shop, or to check out my favorite band.

Brenda:
Going to a surf shop together is pretty serious stuff. You sure you want to take that major step?

Dylan:
I think so.

Dylan:
I don't do cameras.

Dylan:
Brenda, who saved me from going back to drinking. She saved me from myself. I don't know what I'm gonna do without you guys. At the risk of sounding mushy... you Walsh people are the only family I got.