Black Books, Series 1

Manny:
I am a loose lily drifting down an amber river

Fran:
[offering Bernard a mysterious object....] Bernard, do you want this? Buy this.

Bernard:
What is it?

Fran:
It's a thing.

Bernard:
Is it?

Fran:
Yes.

Bernard:
What does it do?

Fran:
[after considering] It's very in.

Bernard:
You don't know what it is, do you?

Fran:
I-it's very now.

Fran:
[surveying the contents of her shop] I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?

Bernard:
[reading form] "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name?! I just knew her as "Ma"! That'll have to do. [Scribbles onto the form] Ma...possibly deceased.

Bernard:
[reading form] Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year- [someone knocks on the door] Ah, thank Christ! [goes and answers the door] Yes?

Man 1:
Hello, we were wondering whether we could talk to you about Jesus?

Bernard:
[beat] Great! Come in!

Man 1:
What?

Bernard:
I'd love to hear about Jesus, what's he up to now? Come on, come on in.

Man 1:
Er... are you sure?

Bernard:
Yes, in, in, come in!

Man 2:
[worriedly] It's a trick!

Man 1:
It's just... generally... people don't say yes.

Bernard:
Well, I'm not people! Come on in, let's talk beliefs!

Fran:
Bernard, finished your accounts?

Bernard:
Yeah I turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.

Manny:
Add a drop of lavender to your bath and soon, you will soak yourself calm.

Manny:
[To skinheads] Have you ever noticed a calm person with a loud voice?

Manny:
[Concussed, confusing his calming tips] Add a dab of lavender to your milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

Bernard [about the job]:
The pay's not great, but the work is hard.

Bernard:
What do they want from me? Why can't they leave me alone? I mean, what do they want from me?

Manny:
They want to buy books.

Bernard:
Yeah, but why me? Why do they come to me?

Manny:
Well, because you sell books.

Bernard:
Yeah, I know...

Manny:
[reading Bernard's blackboard of shop rules] No mobiles, no... wigwams?.

Bernard:
Walkmans!

Manny:
[reading] No snoity... car... snoi-- This is indecipherable!

Bernard:
Look, it is perfectly simple. [walks over to board and points out rules as he recites them] No mobiles! No walkmans! [points at rule number three and pauses] None of that! Or any of the others!

Manny:
[squinting] ...Singe, bugger, cack.

Bernard:
Signed, Bernard L. Black!

Manny:
Oh. What's the L stand for?

Bernard:
Ludwig. You know, Beethoven.

Manny:
So, why did your parents decide to name you... ?

Bernard:
[glares suspiciously at Manny at the mention of "parents"; puts up a face which reminds of Ludwig van Beethoven] What?!

Manny:
[brief pause] Never mind.

Bernard:
Well, whores will have their trinkets

Bernard:
No one is willing to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste.

Manny:
Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that?

Bernard:
What?

Manny:
What's that you're eating?

Bernard:
It's some sort of delicious biscuit.

Manny:
It's a coaster.

Bernard:
Is it? Are there any more?

Bernard:
If you're gonna give the guy pencils for drinking his wine, you're talking about, you know, magic pencils. You draw a cow, the cow comes to life - those kind of pencils!

Cleaner:
Dirty

Manny:
Right now I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe!

Cleaner:
[Speaking into a dictaphone] North ceiling corner, cobwebs containing a number of deceased arachnids... with beans.

Bernard:
[Very drunk] Why do you have a fridge in your bathroom? I'm on the toilet, right, and then Jimmy comes in, and he's drinking milk from the fridge, and that's all wrong - it's unhygienic. And what were you thinking when you said to yourselves, "Oh yeah, I'll get a wicker toilet"?

Manny:
[Pretending to talk on the police station telephone, being watched by a policeman] Uh, yeah, hello...Raiders! You'd...just...better...watch it! Or I'll be down your manor with all the other policemen! And we'll arrest your arse! [timidly] Bye!

[Doing 'Good Cop, Bad Cop' with a local criminal]

Manny:
You have... beautiful eyes.

Manny:
You think I should wash my beard?

Bernard:
Yes, I think you should wash it. Then you should shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow.

Bernard:
You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Bernard:
Excuse me there seems to be some sort of mistake. I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money.

Theater Worker:
That's how much it costs.

Bernard:
Why? Is it special popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high?

Pornographer:
[Shows Bernard a video] This is the latest. Set in a women's prison. £25.

Bernard:
Do you have anything with nurses?

Pornographer:
Yeah, sure, all sorts.

Bernard:
What kinds of nurses?

Pornographer:
Well, ones with big tits!

Bernard:
No, I'm more interested in nurses who do paperwork, filing, that sort of thing.

Pornographer:
That's very specific. Oh how about this? [Shows him another video] "Administrative Nurses", £40.

Bernard:
Sorry, that should say "Senior Administrative Nurses", that's really the only thing I'm interested in.

Bernard:
Well, maybe we could sit down, open a bottle of wine and watch it together?

Manny:
I ate all your bees.

[Manny has run away and suffered a series of unfortunate calamities while on the phone with Bernard]

Fran:
Well, where is he? How can I find him?

Bernard:
Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.

Fran:
Oh my god! Mickey Rourke had another facelift. He looks like his trousers.

Bernard [after being woken up by Manny]:
Am I dead?

Manny:
No.

Bernard [looks at Manny]:
Who are you, have I joined a cult?

Customer:
[Bellowing] Will you leave me alone?! I'm sick and tired of being hounded by salesmen in shops! I'm browsing, all right?! Browsing! At the end of it I might buy something, I might not - but you will not influence me one iota! Not one jot! Now I've finished with you, YOU MAY GO!

[repeated line]

Cleaner:
Dirty.

Bernard:
I like the dead bees on the windowsill! They don't leave the door open and get us robbed!