Bones, Season 4

Wexler:
Inspector Pritchard, meet Dr. Brennan.

Pritchard:
Charming.

Wexler:
She’s exactly like me.

Pritchard:
Charming, tenacious, salacious, sophomoric, euphoric, noble, ignoble, fatuous, horrid, morbid, torpid and tedious.

Wexler:
Flattery will get you absolutely nowhere, Cate. So you found Portia Frampton?

Pritchard:
Well, the way we usually work, Ian, is I drag the bodies out of the Thames and you use your extraordinary capabilities to identify them.

Booth:
Bones! They're like the English version of me and you.

[Booth tries to get out of the Mini Cooper.]

Booth:
Ahh! Getting out of this thing is like being born!

Booth:
Okay, news bulletin for ya, Bones. There's not a guy in this country who wouldn't want to have sex with you. Probably half the gay men... whoa, easy.

Brennan:
Are you being nice about me or awful about British men?

Angela:
My heart isn't yours to claim. It's mine to give away.

Pritchard:
Oh, I am not the jealous sort, and you're painfully naïve if you think my sex life was limited to Ian, as I’m sure yours was not.

Brennan:
But I didn’t sleep with Ian.

Pritchard:
You didn’t?

Brennan:
No.

Pritchard:
Why not? You obviously fancied each other.

Brennan:
Yes, I noted several physiological responses to his presence which can only be explained by sexual attraction.

Pritchard:
So why didn’t you sleep with him then?

Brennan:
Because of Booth.

Pritchard:
Ohhh, you know, I suspected that you two might be more than just partners.

Brennan:
Oh, no. That’s incorrect. Booth advised me not to sleep with Ian because Booth didn’t want me to be another notch on Ian’s bedpost.

Pritchard:
See, I rather saw it as climbing Everest. Of course it’s been done before but the experience is still breathtaking.

Brennan:
You have a strong sexual appetite and you’re not hamstrung by social moralizing. I can empathize with that.

Pritchard:
Thank you.

[Angela calls Brennan's phone; her voicemail answers.]

Brennan:
Technically you have not reached Temperance Brennan; but if you leave a message, it will reach her. Me. Temperance Brennan.

Brennan:
Anthropologically, 83% of societies are polygamist.

Booth:
Now you sound French. Okay, look, being faithful is what separates us, you know, from the chimps.

Brennan:
Actually, it's a gene called HAR1F.

Sweets:
Does it seem that your partnership provides a surrogate relationship, making it more difficult to form other bonds?

Brennan:
A surrogate relationship wouldn't necessarily be such a bad thing because then I could avoid the sting of rejection, which, however fleeting, is still uncomfortable.

Booth:
Right. Okay, look, I'm sorry. You know what? If Mark and Jason don't know how lucky they are, they don't deserve you in the first place.

Brennan:
No, relationships are temporary.

Booth:
No, that's not true, Bones, you're wrong, okay? There is someone for everyone, someone you're meant to spend the rest of your life with, all right? You just have to be open enough to see it, that's all.

Hodgins:
[notices Sweets observing him] Why are you spying on me?

Sweets:
[facetiously] Could it be because I'm the dupe of an organ of the shadowy forces that secretly run this country?

Booth:
Okay, yeah, I get it. You saw a whole lady's corpse when you were a little girl and you were fine.

Brennan:
Yes. Although, for some reason that I do not understand, I kept staging my own death. Pretending that I drowned in the bathtub, faking electrical shock. It really freaked my parents out. And once, when Russ found me hanging, he had to go see the school psychologist.

Booth:
[mildly sarcastic] But otherwise you were fine.

Brennan:
[earnestly] Yeah.

[Booth walks into Brennan's office and finds her using her laptop computer while curled up on the sofa with Ripley.]

Booth:
Uh, the dog should be, you know, in the cage. He killed Seth Elliot.

Brennan:
Well, it's not his fault! He's actually a very nice dog, [cooing to Ripley] aren't you? [to Booth] He reminds me of you.

Booth:
Me?

Brennan:
He's got warm and reassuring brown eyes, and he's capable of great violence.

Booth:
Okay, great. Thanks a million.

Booth:
[about Parker] I told him to walk away if it's for himself and to stand up and fight if it's for someone else.

[Brennan and Booth have just finished burying Ripley]

Brennan:
On behalf of humankind and the universe, I'd like to apologize for what happened to Ripley. He was born a cute little puppy, and then the people who adopted him wanted to kill him because they were too stupid to realize that he would grow into a big dog.

Booth:
That's good.

Brennan:
Ripley was a good dog. He didn't want to fight, but he did it to please his master. And he didn't want to attack a human being, but he did it — to please his master. [holding back tears] You know, it wasn't Ripley's fault that his master was cruel and selfish. Like all dogs, Ripley only saw the good in people. Dogs are like that. People should take a lesson.

Angela:
These are children's shoes, but they're size 11.

Cam:
So you think our victim was a giant toddler?

Brennan:
That would show up in the bones.

Cam:
Sarcasm does not play well on the forensic platform.

Sweets:
These action figurines, they're awesome.

Booth:
Still living at home there, huh, Sweets?

Sweets:
No, I have my own place, and before that I lived with a woman. All right?

Brennan:
Was that woman your mother?

Booth:
Sweets, what are you doing?

Sweets:
I'm putting myself in the mind of an obsessive-compulsive in order to figure out where I might conceal a memory-enhancing, psychosexual proxy.

Booth:
Right, right. What's that mean?

Brennan:
Masturbatory aid.

Booth:
Oh. Check the shoes.

Brennan:
What?

Sweets:
Good.

Brennan:
He's not going to find it in the shoes. (Sweets holds up a photgraph) Do all boys keep their masturbatory aids in their shoes, or is that particular to you?

Booth:
Oh, that's for me to know and you to find out.

Zack:
I'm king of the loony bin!

Hodgins:
Yeah, you are.

Hodgins:
I just wish Zack was here, that's all.

Booth:
You gotta get over it. Zack's not coming back!

Zack:
I know where to find the victim's head.

[Everyone turns and stare at Zack]

Cam:
This is not good.

Brennan:
How did you get out?

Zack:
You don't appear happy to see me.

Booth:
Oh, we're not!

Brennan:
I am. I really am. (runs to hug Zack, others follow except for Booth)

Cam:
Any leads on who she is?

Fisher:
The hot chick is doing a sketch from the few pieces of skull I could locate and reconstruct.

Cam:
Hot chick?

Fisher:
Sorry. The other hot chick.

Sweets:
Well, uh, first I think it's important to find out what went wrong, why you were involved in an unsuccessful relationship.

Angela:
Who said it was unsuccessful?

Sweets:
You're not together anymore, are you?

Angela:
Do you love your parents?

Sweets:
Yes.

Angela:
But you don't live together anymore, does that mean your relationship with mom and dad was unsuccessful?

Sweets:
I don't think it's the same.

Angela:
I do. Sometimes you have to move on, whatever your feelings.

Fisher:
I should have found that earlier. [sighs] Dr. Brennan's gonna fire me, isn't she? I guess, while I was trying to see the metaphorical sun I totally forgot that the chances of survival in an unfriendly cosmos––

Cam:
Have you considered Prozac, Mr. Fisher?

Fisher:
Already on it.

Cam:
Then double your dose 'cause you're bringing me down. And that's hard to do 'cause I've worked with death for years and you are making it all look like good times now, so get it together, ok, Eeyore?

Brennan:
Do you consider yourself one of my "brighter grad students," Mr. Nigel-Murray?

Vincent:
Yes, and so do you, Dr. Brennan.

Booth:
I am not calling this kid Mr. Nigel... anything.

Vincent:
Vincent. Or Vince, or Vinny, Vin... Vincenzo. Actually, uh, I had this girlfriend, once, who used to call me "Vino Delectable" because of how my–– [notices Booth and Brennan looking at him strangely] uh, you don't... need to know that.

Cam:
We already have Agent Booth to make lame jokes. Let's stick to facts.

Vincent:
The rods in the human eye are sensitive enough to detect the light emitted by a struck match from as much as a mile away on a clear night.

Cam:
Okay, let's stick to relevant facts.

Vincent:
The sockets have been ground down.

Cam:
Okay, that could be useful. [looks expectantly at Vincent, who smiles but says nothing] Especially if you have an explanation.

Vincent:
Plastic surgery. Oh, she had [gestures with his hands in front of his chest] fake boobs, too.

Cam:
"Sockets," "eyeballs," "boobs" — I wouldn't use these words when conferring with Dr. Brennan.

Vincent:
I know. With her it's all "supraorbital nimbus" and "mammary implants." But you seemed a more colloquial sort.

Cam:
Well, in that case, what about the "backbone"?

Hodgins:
Does Brennan put "Mr." in front of your name?

Vincent:
Yes.

Hodgins:
That's her very subtle way of saying you're not a doctor.

Cam:
[about the victim] "He"?

Vincent:
Mmm-hmm. Triangular pubis, no evidence of a ventral arc. The pelvic bone speaks. It says, "I be male."

Cam:
The pelvic bone can say whatever it wants to say. This part here [points in the general direction of the lower body] says female.

Vincent:
What part's that?

Cam:
It's called a vagina.

Vincent:
Can I ask you something?

Hodgins:
Is there any way to say no?

Vincent:
What ever happened to whoever it was who used to work here before me?

Hodgins:
He joined forces with a serial killer who was the last in the long line of cannibalistic murderers specializing in knocking off members of secret societies and building skeletons out of their body parts.

Vincent:
Wow, I hope that doesn't happen to me.

[Brennan and Booth approach a darkened office building.]

Booth:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What goes first?

Brennan:
Gun goes first.

Booth:
That's right.

Brennan:
What if you get shot?

Booth:
Don't say things like that. You're going to jinx me, all right?

Brennan:
Well, if you're relying on superstition for safety, perhaps I should carry the gun.

Brennan:
[She walks up while Daisy and Cam are attempting to examine the body inside the sculpture, and dumps a giant container of flesh-eating beetles onto it. They look at her with consternation.] I was going to say that I had an accident over here, but I don't like lying.

Cam:
You dumped a bucket full of Dermestes beetles onto this work of art. They'll strip the flesh off our victim in no time.

Brennan:
[nodding] Within 30 hours. Am I fired?

Cam:
Au contraire. Remind me of this moment around Christmas bonus time.

Cam:
[to Sweets about Daisy] She's very smart, very able and she has a knack for turning reasonable people into flaming gas balls of fury.

[Booth joins Brennan, Cam and Hodgins on the loft and watching Sweets and Daisy down below]

Booth:
What's going on?

Hodgins:
Sweets is firing Daisy for us.

Cam:
We're wondering what his method will be.

Brennan:
He'll explain to her logically that this environment is not conducive for either her or us and as a scientist, she'll realize that he's right.

Booth:
[shakes head] No, Sweets is a lot sneakier than that. He'll use some kind of psychological Jedi mind trick to make her think it was her idea to quit.

[Booth, Brennan, Cam and Hodgins look on in shock as Dr. Sweets and Daisy kiss on the forensic platform.]

Hodgins:
I'm totally shocked.

Brennan:
Yeah. They should not be doing that on the forensic platform.

Cam:
That's a method of termination I've never tried. But, bravo, Dr. Sweets.

Booth:
They'll never work. They're, like, complete opposites.

Brennan:
I agree. For all her faults, she's a woman of science. Sweets bases his life on the vagaries of psychology and emotion. There's no common ground.

Booth:
Right.

Brennan:
You need common ground. What else is there?

Booth:
Absolutely.

[Booth and Brennan look at each other as Sweets and Daisy walk away together.]

Police Trainer:
[after a flaming body lands on a police car] We're gonna need a... um... a fire extinguisher. Then maybe some sort of... trauma counselor?

Brennan:
[to Booth's brother Jared] It is nice to meet you, Jarhead. I can see the family resemblance. Your facial structure is even more symmetrical than Booth's.

Jared:
[to Booth, aside] Is she coming on to me?

Booth:
No, it's just the way she talks.

Brennan:
I didn't have sex with him, Cam.

Angela:
Didn't have sex with who?

Cam:
Jared Booth.

Angela:
Good.

Brennan:
Why good?

Cam:
Because... because...

Angela:
Because he's Booth's little brother, and it would just be a creepy way to have sex with a Booth without having sex with the real Booth.

Cam:
Kudos, Angela. I would not have had the guts to say that aloud.

Jared:
Having a big brother is like having an extra dad, only a dad who protects you from your real dad, and always thinks of you as a kid.

Cam:
Dr. Brennan, I don't want you to think this is an intervention.

Brennan:
I don't know what that means.

Sweets:
An intervention is when a group of loved ones bands together to help one of their own make a difficult decision.

Cam:
Oh, then, then it is an intervention.

Brennan:
Are you my loved ones?

Flight Attendant:
[having caught Booth in first class, reclining next to Brennan] Sir, you need to return to coach.

Booth:
See, we're partners. We like being together.

Flight Attendant:
Your sexual relationship's not relevant, sir. This is first class.

Brennan:
Why does everyone else think we have a sexual relationship when we barely ever even touch each other?

[Booth visits Brennan in the first-class section of the plane.]

Booth:
You didn't answer me before. Are you tired of working with me?

Brennan:
No, it's not that. But the identification and analysis of ancient remains, that's why I became a forensic anthropologist.

Booth:
You're bored. Spark is gone.

Brennan:
I'm a scientist first.

Booth:
Right. Yeah. A scientist first. I get it. I understand.

Brennan:
Hey.

Booth:
Yeah?

Brennan:
If you get caught up here, does that make me an accessory?

Booth:
[smiles] An accessory to an upgrade.

Booth:
[sees Brennan wearing cats-eye glasses while examining remains] Bones. All right, what I want you to do is take off your glasses, shake out your hair and say, "Mr. Booth, do you know what the penalty is for an overdue book?"

Brennan:
[looks confused] Why?

Booth:
Never mind.

Booth:
You want to get off the plane to see those old Chinese bones. I'm sorry.

Brennan:
It's not your fault.

Booth:
Yes, it is. Because I'm the one who dragged you out of pure science and pulled you into murder-solving.

Brennan:
That's not how I remember it.

Booth:
Really?

Brennan:
Yes. As I recall, I had to force you to take me into the field.

Booth:
[smiles] Really?

Brennan:
Yes. You didn't want to, remember? [smiles] This is all my fault.

Booth:
Okay, what we got?

Brennan:
This one's a portion of the sacrum. It's definitely human. There's char marks. [sniffs the bone]

Booth:
Oh, God. You know I hate when you sniff and smell dead things!

Booth:
Your dad works here now?

Brennan:
Not my idea.

Cam:
She wants me to fire him.

Booth:
Why?

Brennan:
This is a crime lab! My father is a bank robber and an accused murderer!

Cam:
Booth's killed more people than Max has and he works here.

Booth:
Don't bring that up! Why did you have to bring that up?!

Max:
Are you sleeping with my daughter?

Booth:
No.

Max:
Why? Are you gay?

Booth:
[half-laughing] No.

Max:
Is she not attractive enough?

Booth:
[somewhat angry] Bones is beautiful.

Max:
Is it because of me? Because I killed one man and we both know he deserved it?

Booth:
All right, just cut it out, Max, all right? I'll talk to her. Probably ain't gonna get anywhere with her, but I'll talk to her.

Max:
You're a good man, and I want that for her. Now, I gotta go blow up some soda for some kids.

Max:
I've, um, I've decided I'm going to leave the Jeffersonian.

Sweets:
Why?

Brennan:
Uh, because I fired him.

Sweets:
You can do that?

Max:
Oh, yeah. Believe me, she can do it.

Brennan:
Well, it's all about proximity to forensic evidence.

Max:
Uh, don't take any offense, but that's a lot of crap. It's about a proximity to me. Right?

Sweets:
Well, in my opinion, it isn't your father's presence that's causing you anxiety. It's the memory of his absence.

Brennan:
I can understand quantum mechanics, but I can't understand you.

Texas Ranger:
How do you think they died?

Oklahoma Officer:
They left Oklahoma, hit Texas, then died of despair.

Texas Ranger:
Nope, they're definitely Oklahomans. If they were from Texas they would have had sense enough to carry water.

Brennan:
That wouldn't show up in the bones.

Booth:
No clothing....

Brennan:
Might have blown away.

Texas Ranger:
Maybe a young couple? Some sort of suicide pact?

Brennan:
Sub-pubic angle suggest two females.

Oklahoma Officer:
Oh. Lesbian suicide pact.

Texas Ranger:
Definitely Texans then.

Brennan:
The victims are Pygopagus, or some would say Illeopagus

Booth:
What's that?

Texas Ranger:
Greek?

Brennan:
Conjoined twins

Oklahoma Officer:
What's that?

Texas Ranger:
Siamese twins

Brennan:
The point of attachment is posterior.

Booth:
Joined at the ass.

Oklahoma Officer:
[laughs] Definitely Texans!

Sweets:
Um...Can I offer you a piece of advice?

Booth:
Well, that's why we called you, Sweets...

Sweets:
Don't try too hard to be their friends. Act like you're more interested in each other than any of them, all right? They will come to you.

Brennan:
Okay, thanks, Sweets. [she hangs up]

Booth:
So, uh, sex, right?

Brennan:
Uh, good idea.

Booth:
'Kay.

[they start to shake the trailer]

Brennan:
Okay, well I think what we need to do is get a syncopated rhythm going, that takes advantage of the natural frequency of the springs...

Booth:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, are you this spontaneous during real sex?

Brennan:
Yes, I am.

Brennan:
Booth. Booth!

Booth:
[who has just come to after hitting his head] Bones, what are you doing on the ice?

Brennan:
I get nervous when you fall down and don't get up.

Hodgins:
We're not idiots.

Wendell:
I feel like an idiot. [Hodgins glares at him]

Cam:
[to Wendell] You don't speak right now. Either of you.

[Hodgins continues glaring at an intimidated Wendell]

Caroline:
[after Perotta defends Hodgins and Wendell] You've been taken hostage by the squints, Agent Perotta.

Perotta:
My people were right.

Caroline & Cam:
Your people???

Wendell & Hodgins:
We're Booth's people.

Booth:
Hey, you know what? Forget about Agent Perotta. All right? Nothing's gonna change between me and you.

Brennan:
Well, entropy is a natural force that pulls everything apart in a subatomic level. Everything changes.

Booth:
Not everything, Bones. [pushes Brennan around on the ice, and they laugh] Not everything.

Brennan:
You're gonna make me fall!

Booth:
I'm never gonna make you fall. I'm always here.

Teddy:
So, just to sum things up, the ship's about to explode and now there's no way to stop it.

Booth:
Rub it in. I got you killed twice.

Booth:
You never told her [you loved her]?

Teddy:
I was twenty. I didn't know how to say it.

Booth:
Well, you say I love you. I mean, what's so hard about that?

Teddy:
What, you've never loved somebody and didn't say it to 'em? (Booth is silent) See, maybe that's why I'm here: to get you to say "I love you" to somebody.

Jared:
It will really annoy my brother, the Army Ranger, to be saved by a squid.

Brennan:
What's wrong?

Booth:
Nothing. Come on in. How about some coffee? Caribbean bean!

Brennan:
You hurt your back again?

Booth:
No, no, yeah. It's that obvious, huh?

Brennan:
Your gait suggests you restrained your anterior longitudinal ligament.

Booth:
Yeah, well, I blame the couch, all right? I fell asleep last night watching the game. Look, I figured you fixed my back last time really well. I just thought that maybe you could fix it again. So use your little magic knuckles and hit it up, and we're good to go.

Brennan:
Booth, if this has become a recurring problem, you should see a specialist.

Booth:
Right. I get it. All disclaimers apply. Here we go. Hit the back. Chop, chop. We've got a case!

Hodgins:
[notices Fisher looking depressed] What's with the long face there, "sunshine"?

Cam:
[to Hodgins] Mr. Fisher just broke up with his girlfriend and he's feeling a little down. [Fisher is sighing and groaning at the side]

Hodgins:
What about me? My girlfriend and I broke up and I gotta see her at work everyday.

Fisher:
Well, obviously it hasn't blackened your soul like it has mine.

Hodgins:
There was some light charring.

Fisher:
I'm dead inside.

Hodgins:
Ok. You win. Happy?

Fisher:
[looks up at Hodgins] Not that I can ever remember.

[Hodgins and Cam look at each other.]

Perotta:
Booth is right. You're like a portable polygraph.

Sweets:
He didn't mean that in a good way, though, did he?

[Brennan has just finished fighting the Black Knight and retrieving Excalibur after he ran her and Sweets off the road. Dr. Sweets has blood all over his face and has just managed to lift his head from the airbag]

Sweets:
Mad props.

Brennan:
Thanks.

[Later]

[...]

Booth:
[on the phone with Brennan] So, why wasn't Perotta with you?

Brennan:
I was with Sweets.

Booth:
That's like being protected by a Smurf!

[Booth has taken a lot of Vicodin for his back pain.]

Perotta:
How are you, Agent Booth?

Booth:
The only reason that I am not coming in right now is because Bones told me not to, but she's your responsibility. Nothing can happen to her, okay? If anything happens to her and all that silky black hair, and all that soft skin —

Perotta:
I will not let her out of my sight. You have my word. Now we should really get back to the case, Agent Booth.

Booth:
Am I stopping you? [hangs up]

Perotta:
Right. I'm going to round up as many black knights as I can at Imagicon. In the mean time, please don't go out in the field without me.

Brennan:
I don't need a sitter. Booth gets needlessly protective sometimes. I have no idea why.

Perotta:
You really don't, do you?

Brennan:
No.

Vincent:
[referring to the corpse that is being examined] Forgive me, doctors, but...is his skin moving?

Cam:
Ooh... God, that's strange.

Brennan:
Insect activity?

Hodgins:
Never seen insects like that...'cept in Alien.

Vincent:
I'm secreting adrenaline.

Vincent:
Our foamy friend seems to be petrifying right before our very eyes.

Brennan:
Please Booth? I'm ready.

Booth:
One lesson with Sweets doesn't turn you into the master interrogator.

Brennan:
[to Sweets] Is master interrogator a real thing?

Sweets:
Technically, no.

Booth:
You gotta know exactly what you want to find out when you go in there.

Brennan:
Really, if you can do it, I can.

Booth:
Seriously. You think you can do anything I can do. [looks at Sweets, who says nothing]

Brennan:
[confidently] Not the big, strong, sheerly physical things but otherwise, yes!

Booth:
Fine. Be my guest. Be the big ch.eese. Fill the shoes.

Sweets:
Take an earpiece in case you, you know, need help.

Brennan:
Ok, but don't distract me unnecessarily.

[Booth and Sweets watch with dread as Brennan walks out]

Booth:
This is all your fault you know that right?

Sweets:
What? You're the one who said yes.

Brennan:
I have been to 74 interrogations with Booth, 42 in the room and 32 observing.

Angela:
Uh huh.

Brennan:
I should be able to do it.

Angela:
What? Interrogate?

Brennan:
Yes. I even engaged in a very interesting session with Sweets to improve my ability to manipulate people.

Angela:
[chuckles] Ohhh. That wouldn't work.

Brennan:
Why not?

Angela:
Because what Booth has, you can't learn from Baby Boy Shrink. Booth's brilliant at pretending to be stupider than he actually is most of the time.

Brennan:
Brilliant at stupidity?

Angela:
Uh-hmm. Especially around you.

[...]

Brennan:
Why would Booth do that?

Angela:
Well, he knows that you like to be the smart one and so he lets you have that.

[...]

Brennan:
You know, I am smarter than Booth.

Angela:
[smiles] Ok. So maybe you should just let him have the people skills part of the job to himself then.

[...]

[Brennan determines that the murder weapon is a pair of scissors]

Angela:
Hey sweetie. I think you'll find that the murder weapon was a pair of tailor shears.

Brennan:
Why?

Angela:
Why don't you run this information by Booth and see how quickly he comes to the same conclusion?

Booth:
Bones you all right?

Brennan:
You haven't said anything about my interrogation.

Booth:
[pauses] Ok, you know what? You did great. Better than I thought.

Brennan:
I was terrible. Everybody's right. I lack empathy.

Booth:
You got empathy. You're awkward. That's different.

Brennan:
My stuff is bones. Yours is people.

Booth:
Right. So...you're admitting that I'm better at something than you are.

Brennan:
No–– [pauses] [smiles] Yes. A lot better.

Booth:
[smiles] Thanks Bones.

Brennan:
I'm not discriminating because he is a Muslim. I find all religions equally irrational!

Brennan:
Pregnancy is unlikely without intercourse.

Booth:
Right, thanks for the tip, Bones.

Angela:
What's wrong with the moment?

Hodgins:
Nothing.

Angela:
But?

Hodgins:
But it's nice, every once in a while, to think about the future.

Angela:
So let me get this straight: to be together, then it has to be all about the future?

Hodgins:
Yeah.

Angela:
So this, right now, this isn't together?

Hodgins:
It was a moment. A great moment, but like all great moments, the past.

Angela:
Have you ever noticed that a sunset looks more beautiful when you share it with somebody that you care about?

Brennan:
No, I haven't, but I'll pay better attention next time.

Cam:
Some of us take coffee breaks, some of us take smoke breaks, Mr. Vasiri takes a spiritual break.

Brennan:
Who smokes?

Cam:
(defensively) Nobody. Not very often, anyway. Just very rarely, in times of great stress.

Booth:
I'm thinking the victim wandered away from his car, he was drunk, and he ended up in this area. Same thing happened to a guy last year in the giraffe section.

Brennan:
Giraffes are herbivores. They don't eat people.

Booth:
That part is different, the guy broke his arm. Did you know that giraffes can weigh up to two tons?

Brennan:
Yes. Everyone knows that.

Booth:
And they sleep less than two hours a day.

Brennan:
That I did not know.

Booth:
Yes! Pinky stumps The Brain!

Angela:
Ooh, what is that smell? Are you wearing cologne?

Hodgins:
It's urine. I found traces of uric acid on the victim's clothing.

Angela:
Oh.

Hodgins:
It was the pheromones you found pleasing.

Angela:
Yeah, yeah. The pheromones in tiger urine?

Hodgins:
Well, I assume it's tiger urine. The cat was probably marking its territory.

Angela:
I was turned on by tiger urine?

Hodgins:
[Laughs] Celibacy isn't easy, Ang.

Angela:
[Sighs] Tell me about it.

Brennan:
We're scientists. We can't quantify or rely on our emotions. They're arbitrary and indeterminate.

Cam:
We know people through our feelings, Dr. Brennan. You trust Booth because of what you feel.

Brennan:
No, I trust Booth because of past actions.

Cam:
And faith in the future. I'm sorry, but feelings are important. Even to you.

Sweets:
Angela? Can I borrow you for a little while?

Angela:
[excitedly] To do what with?

[Sweets stumped by Angela's tone]

Angela:
Sorry, that just.. popped out.. I needed a longer run.

Sweets:
Yeah, I understand.

Brennan:
No lions?

Hodgins:
None in the whole park.

Booth:
There are tigers. How much difference can there be between lion urine and tiger urine?

Brennan:
There are no stripes in tiger urine.

Angela:
Celibacy is a lot like fasting.

Brennan:
So you've become sexually anorexic?

Angela:
At first you're out of sorts and agitated, and then you sort of.. push through to a kind of clarity.

Brennan:
Have you reached clarity?

Angela:
No, I'm still at the agitated and horny stage.

Cam:
[Discussing a dead man] It's obvious, he was frostbitten while climbing Everest, then struck by a meteor, then dumped into a vacant lot in two garbage bags and eaten by crows.

Broderick Mullins:
A frozen cadaver would simply bounce. Any moron should know that.

Hodgins:
To eternity, to glory, to the future. [scoffs]

Brennan:
You disapprove of the Collar Institute?

Hodgins:
Up and forward are only two directions. Science should look in all directions. You taught me that.

Brennan:
I did?

Hodgins:
Every day.

Brennan:
Thank you.

Booth:
You know what? You're the only smart person I really like.

Brennan:
Thank you!

Booth:
Oh, I'm just saying life is a lot more than what you cook up with your chemistry sets. Miracles do happen.

Angela:
Where did this come from?

Wendell:
Egyptology Department.

Angela:
They let you borrow it?

Wendell:
Well, no one was using it.

Angela:
Tell me you're kidding.

Wendell:
No... I left a note.

Booth:
Why'd you tell Sweets? He's gonna come in here. He's gonna cry and stuff.

Wendell:
What happened to your measuring tape?

Brennan:
I don't know. It's missing. There was a Post-It note from the Egyptology Department in its place.

Brennan:
Intellectually, I know that jealousy is absurd, but I see that it's real for people... I even experience it myself.

Booth:
So what are you jealous of?

Brennan:
Angela. Hodgins. Cam. You.

Booth:
Why?

Brennan:
Because you all want to lose yourself in another person. You believe that love is transcendent and eternal... I want to believe that too.

Booth:
Hey, you will... I promise. Someday you will.

Brennan:
Norway?

Cam:
We don't have enough crucified corpses of our own, now the Vikings are sending them?

Clark:
The annual murder rate in Norway is 0.7.

Brennan:
Less than one murder a year.

Cam:
In that case, they should solve the ones they have or they'll never get any practice.

Cam:
What about real names?

Hodgins:
I imagine they play that pretty close to the vest.

Angela:
Kinda ruins the magic when you find out that Satan's name is Todd or Larry.

Booth:
Ok, let's shut it down guys, come on! [walks in showing his badge] FBI! Let's go! [shows the guitarist his badge]

[Guitarist spits on Booth's badge and hisses at him. Booth turns and looks at Dr. Wyatt and Brennan and then shoots the loudspeaker multiple times]

Brennan:
[in shock] OH!!!

Wyatt:
[sternly to Booth] Yes, now if you recall, it was shooting inanimate objects that had you brought to me for therapy in the first place.

Booth:
I thought it was a justifiable shooting.

Brennan:
I... agree!

Booth:
She agrees. See?

Guitarist:
[hesitantly] You gonna put your gun down?

Booth:
Don't rush me, ok? [wipes his badge on guitarist's pants] I'm thinkin'!

Wyatt:
Might I offer you a word of advice regarding young Dr. Sweets?

Booth:
Might we try to stop you.

Brennan:
Why do we need advice about Sweets?

Booth:
We don't. Sweets is just fine.

Wyatt:
He most definitely is not fine. I've read his book.

Brennan:
Wait, did he say something mean about us?

Wyatt:
On the contrary. You might as well know that he lost both his adoptive parents just before he came to work for your de facto crime fighting unit.

Booth:
What are we, the land of misfit toys?

Wyatt:
He's a good lad, Sweets, but this book he's writing, he's using it as the vehicle to get what he actually wants. Which is....[Booth looks at Wyatt]...a family.

Brennan:
So he imprinted on us like a baby duck?

Booth:
Are you okay, Bones?

Brennan:
Yeah, I'm fine. Here. [Places Booth's handkerchief back in his pocket, then looks to Sweets] Why are you nodding?

Sweets:
Nothing. Just Wyatt made an observation about you two and I think I just saw what he saw.

Hodgins:
[is giving a toast] This is a sad day for all of us, but I think it's important that we remember what we loved about Hank, you know? His sense of humor, of course. He was always quick with a joke, good or bad. Usually bad. But he...[Hodgins suddenly looks out the window and notices Booth and Brennan stealing Hank's body] Oh, my God! [Tries to recover] Uhhhhh... Oh. My. God, Hank. Hank is... Hank-Hank is...he's leaving us. Where is he going from here? Who knows? Oh. But, uh, uh... [smashes his glass on the floor] Oh..God... Hank. It's not fair, you know? You live life, and we-we... we die. And we don't - we don't love enough, and-and I- I got to not do that anymore 'cause I'm... I...I- I need to live and-and love, and...[Booth and Brennan are finally out of sight] Thank you.

Booth:
[to Mrs. Reilly who is insisting on seeing her son's body] That's, uh, really not a great idea right now, ma'am.

Mrs. Reilly:
Why?

Booth:
Well, there's a....

Angela:
[cuts in for a tongue-tied Booth] The fact is, um, the undertaker, uh, he didn't graduate at the top of his class...so... [Booth glances at her]

Mrs. Reilly:
But I just saw Hank earlier.

Angela:
Yes, yes you did. Um, but, um, the puddy that they used to fill in the face has sort of...melted. And, um, his nose is sort of, going to the side. [Mrs. Reilly cringes] Um, and his hair....is like Hitler.

Booth:
Hitler.

Mrs. Reilly:
[horrified] Hitler??

Angela:
Listen, I really think it would be best if you let Mr. Tung fix him up before you see your son.

Barney:
[walks into the room] There you are.

Mrs. Reilly:
[to her other son] Turn around Barney! You can't see Hank, not like this.

Barney:
Like what?

Mrs. Reilly:
Like Hitler!

Hodgins:
King of the funeral!

Booth:
Can you get lost?

Brennan:
Why?

Booth:
I can be devastatingly charming if you aren't watching me.

Booth:
Just make sure when they put me in the ground, I'm dead.

Brennan:
Yeah. No problem.

Booth:
Right? Maybe, uh, you know, leave my body out for a few hours and check on me every once in a while.

Brennan:
No, I'd rather refrigerate you, or else you would start to smell.

Officer Kopek:
[referring to Brennan] Is she serious?

Booth:
Always.

Nakamura:
Most of the FBI agents showed up and started telling us how to handle our organized crime problem. Booth said nothing, two, three days just listening.

Brennan:
[smiles] He was quiet? That...[chuckles] That does not sound like Booth.

Nakamura:
Then he asked a question. He asked, how would you gentlemen handle our organized crime problem. He was respectful.

Angela:
So I googled Tanaka, three hundred hits, all Japanese, none with a personal pronoun.

Hodgins:
We should just ask her.

Angela:
Him.

Sweets:
Uh, you people can identify human remains based on a tiny little finger bone but you can't judge the sex of the person standing right in front of you. Does nobody else see the irony in this?

James:
Yeah, so? I run a legitimate business.

Booth:
You're a pimp. I don't like pimps!

Brennan:
He really doesn't.

Booth:
No.

Brennan:
I myself have no one in my life whom I talk to that much. Outside of work, I mean. Perhaps that is good.

Nakamura:
How so?

Brennan:
I can see how much pain you're in. Is it worth it? To have your own happiness so contingent upon another human being?

Nakamura:
If I was willing to give up my life for Sachi, why would I not be willing to risk my happiness for her?

Cam:
Mr. Vaziri, do you have the x-rays?

Arastoo Vaziri:
Yes. I have never seen so many foreign objects in human remains. Arrows, marbles, jack, various coins and cutlery. My best guess is a nuclear explosion occurred just as the victim entered a 99-cent store.

Booth:
Greg Harmalard? The... The guy who organized the bonfire?

Robert:
Yeah, Molly's boyfriend, he's in ROTC.

Booth:
They like shooting things.

Cam:
I am saying no to this experiment.

Hodgins:
Yeah, I got that during the part where you said no seven times in a row.

Cam:
I find that you don't pay attention to the first six.

Booth:
Jared wants me to go to India with him.

Brennan:
Indiana?

Booth:
India, okay? Taj Mahal, cows, tigers, cobras, Slumdog Millionaire.

Brennan:
I know. Are you going?

Booth:
We don't like each other.

Brennan:
So, not going?

Booth:
Well, he's my brother, so I love him.

Brennan:
I'm confused. You are going?

Booth:
I mean, Jared should not go to India alone. He'll get in all kinds of trouble.

Brennan:
You said he's never been alone.

Booth:
Exactly! He'll be eaten alive.

Brennan:
If you go with him, then he won't be alone. You won't let him be bad and his frontal lobe will always be the size of a raisin. That's what you said. It makes no scientific sense.

Booth:
Yeah, you said. Got it.

Brennan:
So, um, do you... do you really think you have to be bad to be good?

Booth:
Yeah, I do.

Brennan:
Well, I've never done anything "bad".

Booth:
[nods] I believe you.

Brennan:
I mean, I've made mistakes, of course, but I've never purposely done anything bad.

Booth:
And I believe you.

Brennan:
I don't want my frontal lobe to be a dried-up raisin.

Booth:
[smiles in bemusement, grins and turns to Brennan] You know what, we're gonna do something bad now.

Brennan:
[mischievously] What?

Booth:
[grins] Have you ever dined and dashed? You know the concept, right? We're gonna run outta here without paying the bill.

Brennan:
No, that's stealing.

Booth:
That's why they call it bad. Are you ready...

Brennan:
No I can't...really? No....are you serious??? [grins excitedly as Booth prepares to run] Oh my god!

Sweets:
It's quite simple. Whatever Agent Booth says, you respond with whatever word or phrase pops into your head, and vice versa.

[...]

Sweets:
The point of the exercise is not to explain, but to respond. Okay? Children can do this.

Brennan:
Because it's childish.

Sweets:
Can we just try it, please?

[...]

Booth:
Hunger.

Brennan:
Sex.

Booth:
Whoa.

Brennan:
Horse.

Booth:
Cowboy.

Brennan:
Child.

Booth:
Baby.

Brennan:
Booth.

Booth:
What, do you think I'm a baby?

Brennan:
You're a father.

Booth:
Oh. Mother.

Brennan:
Birth.

Booth:
Happy.

Brennan:
Sperm.

Booth:
Sperm, isn't this kind of weird?

Sweets:
No, keep going.

Booth:
Ok. Egg.

Brennan:
I want a baby.

Booth:
Whoa!

Brennan:
Horse.

Angela:
Brennan, this is crazy.

Brennan:
Why? I'm intellectually gifted, financially secure. Statistically, I could expect to have an exceptional child.

Angela:
Fine. Yes. Absolutely. But do know how this is supposed to work, right?... You get naked together. You devour each other in a passionate frenzy.

Brennan:
Booth would think that would create an emotional bond between us.

Angela:
[sarcastic] Of course that's ridiculous.

Brennan:
I knew you'd understand.

Angela:
Then why use Booth at all? Why don't you use Fisher and his discount sperm?

Brennan:
No, Booth has a bigger mandible and a more prominent zygomatic than Fisher, as well as a more pronounced ratio between the width of his clavicles and his ilia.

Angela:
So, it's because Booth is hot? Now we're getting somewhere.

Cam:
Fisher, have you ever just taken a moment to forget yourself, watch like The Three Stooges and just laugh?

Fisher:
Yeah, I never found humor in grown men giving each other concussions with construction equipment.

Cam:
[To Hodgins] I try.

[Booth is alone at the sperm bank when Stewie Griffin from Family Guy appears on a TV]

Stewie:
Why are you here at the bank, Booth?

Booth:
[startled] AH!

Stewie:
You've got a hot doctor friend. Go to her and make a direct deposit like a man!

[Booth turns off the TV]

Booth:
[to himself] That's impossible.

[The TV suddenly turns itself back on]

Stewie:
And yet we converse.

Booth:
[Yelps and backs himself up against a wall]

Stewie:
[looking at some magazines on a table] Ooh, look! A pile of porn! Delicious! Give me a peek, Booth. Mmm? Just a little peek at a booby? Please?

[Booth unplugs the television and the screen goes black again. As he turns around, the TV turns itself on again.]

Stewie:
What's your problem? You're threatened by a cute, harmless baby? Grow a set! You do want her to have your baby, don't you?

Booth:
Of course I do, it's just... I want her to have a baby because it's what she wants.

Stewie:
And you could just walk away like a heartless cad while she changes poo all by her lonesome?

Booth:
It's what she wants!

Nurse:
[speaking from outside the room] Are you okay in there, Mr. Booth?

Booth:
Uh, I'm fine. Just, uh, fine, thank you. [to Stewie] Listen, could you just go away now, okay? I don't need your help.

Stewie:
You know, you're not a bad looking fellow, and if you'd just keep an open mind...

Booth:
Go back to cartoon land, wherever you came from. Leave!

Stewie:
You sure? I'm good at pretend games.

[Booth uses the remote control to turn the TV off.]

Booth:
[Shakes his head] That wasn't possible.

Stewie:
So are you going to let her have this baby alone?

Booth:
I didn't say that.

Stewie:
You are! You're going to abandon your child! Oh night's deepest gloom washes over my tiny frame.

Booth:
No. No. No. I can't walk away. I never said that! Okay? Do you understand? I can't walk away! This is my kid! If I can't be involved I don't want her to have the baby!

Stewie:
And the sun shines again. Good man, Boothy.

Wendell:
Zack screamed when he saw the body so he's off the hook, right?

Zack:
Yelped!

Fisher:
He screamed like slutty girl #1 on a teen horror flick.

Brennan:
Cam says that everybody thinks I'm a cold fish.

Booth:
What you are is Iceland: cool to the touch, but underneath you're all volcano!

Brennan:
I don't like people thinking that I'm a cold fish.

Booth:
Look, if you were really a cold fish, you wouldn't care.

Brennan:
You used logic on me! That's sweet! [They smile.] Cam says the reason I didn't hear the gunshot is because I'm cheating on you.

Booth:
Oh, Jared thinks, you know, I'm the killer, and he's helping me get away with it.

Brennan:
So you're a murderer; I'm unfaithful. We are a very exciting couple!

[Booth answers Caroline's call and puts it on speaker]

Booth:
Hello! You've reached Bonnie and Clyde.

Brennan:
Murder, Inc.

Booth & Brennan:
How may we help you?

Note:
this double episode was 120 minutes long.