Boston Legal, Season 1

Brad Chase:
Uh, I think that's my seat.

Alan Shore:
Yes, I did see someone's things here. I moved them to a less desirable location.

[Brad gives him a smirky stare.]

Alan:
I'm sorry. We're not territorial about that sort of thing around here, are we?

Denny Crane:
[introductions] Denny Crane.

Chicago Partner:
I know. I'm from Chicago.

Denny Crane:
Oh, my kind of town. Always had the best sex of my life in Chicago. What about you?

Associate:
Where the hell is Edwin?

Edwin Poole:
[entering the room, wearing no pants] Sorry I'm late, good people.

Alan:
Is it casual Monday?

Brad:
I outrank you.

Alan:
And I'm such a slut for authority.

Alan:
I have trouble talking that fast. I don't believe in being straight up, but I'm a big fan of your Aqua Velva commercials.

Alan:
You two have had sex!

Brad:
We're not territorial about that sort of thing, are we?

Little Orphan Annie's Mom:
She's earned this, Mr. Shore.

Alan:
I have no doubt. But you realize producers do have discretion in the art of casting - strikes me as a very inexact science.

Al Sharpton:
The sun needs to come out today - not tomorrow, your honor. [courtroom explodes in applause] That's what you call a rabbit, son. Denny Crane.

Alan:
Christine, you were in love with a man who was unworthy of you, who made you doubt everything you had a right to count on, who perhaps even toyed with your sanity.

Christine:
That's still no reason to kill him.

Alan:
Perhaps he had it coming.

Christine:
Perhaps you did.

Alan:
[to Brad] Do you do tongue pushups?

Alan:
[to Sally] I haven't kept up with the boyfriend/girlfriend regulations.

Denny:
A man died during angioplasty, leaving him dead. Tragic.

Denny:
[deposing an attractive plaintiff] In this last year, would you say you've had more or less sex since your husband died?

Alan:
[to Lori] I find it difficult to maintain grudges against all those who want to kill me, don't you? Perhaps you'll find that witty comeback in your office.

Alan:
I demand only one thing in a relationship, Christine, that I remain utterly alone.

Alan:
I may not be able to talk as fast, but my tongue is more versatile.

Alan:
I love Vermont. Would you allow me to cover your body with maple syrup?

Alan:
[regarding Brad and Tara] They make a lovely couple, don't they? He has a nice tight ass, don't you think?

Denny:
I'm still a good lawyer.

Paul:
Yes, you are. [pauses] You remember Muhammad Ali's last fight? We had ringside seats. He lost so pathetically to Larry Holmes; we were so crushed. The tragedy that night, Denny, wasn't that he couldn't still box; he could. The tragedy was that he still thought he was Ali. You're a good lawyer, my friend. You're just not Denny Crane.

Donny Crane:
Dad, he's mocking me.

Denny:
You're a Crane, get used to it.

Sally:
What could I possibly say in my closing? I've got nothing.

Alan:
Rabbit.

Sally:
I'm sorry?

Alan:
Pull a rabbit out from under your dress.

Denny:
Sally, that was not a pleasant meeting. Typically when associates are unhappy, I give them a hug.

Sally:
I don't want a hug, Mr. Crane.

Denny:
Okay. May I have one?

Warren:
That's it? Two questions. That was your cross?

Lori:
I didn't have much to cross him with, Warren.

Warren:
Then what was the point of your questions? Tell me that.

Lori:
I was trying to establish that you were coerced. The judge doesn't shock easily but maybe the jury does.

Warren:
Oh, I see; you were going for shock value. Well, maybe you could've really gone for it and asked three questions.

Brad:
Feel free to mock me all you want, but don't you dare ridicule our troops.

Alan:
Just so I'm clear, I should feel free to mock you.

Alan:
One last proposal that's entirely possible. I'm kidding by the way, depending upon your reaction-300,000 sealed, we kick back fifty to you under the table.

Attorney:
Mr. Shore, I guarantee you I am not that kind of attorney.

Alan:
Really? Gosh, I am.

Attorney:
I should report you directly to the bar, if not the district attorney.

Alan:
Well, if that's how you feel, then I was kidding.

Alan:
So, shall we?

Tara:
We shall. Do you have Morgan's address?

Alan:
I do, but what I meant is, shall we continue where we left off last night?

Tara:
In front of my building with you peeing in the planter?

Alan:
I was about to burst. You should've let me come up.

Tara:
That plant needed watering.

Brian Stevens:
Motion for continuance is denied.

Denny:
You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife.

Alan:
Feels good, doesn't it?

Roberta:
What feels good?

Alan:
Having sex with the candidate. What if he wins? I bet the orgasms are even better if he wins. [sighs] I'm jealous.

Dr. Lee:
And who is the current President of the United States?

Denny:
That would be Ernest Borgnine.

Judge Brown:
Do you know what my mother would call you? A namby-pamby. Weak and spineless, bellyaching about some trumped up medical excuse.

Denny:
Hell, if I had a nickel for every woman I'd promise to marry in exchange for sex...actually, I do.

Judge Brown:
I don't like this. Your office gets behind, so you just let criminals walk?

Alan:
It's reassuring to see that you haven't formed any conclusions about my client's guilt or innocence.

Judge Brown:
You know what my mother says? "If it smells funny, I'm not eating it."

Alan:
Exact opposite of my motto.

Gil Furnald:
I just like wearing women's clothes sometimes. It's not a sexual turn-on; it just feels right sometimes.

Denny:
So, basically, you're a sicko.

Gil Furnald:
I'm not sick.

Denny:
Lighten up, man. So what, you got caught in a skirt? That what you're saying?

Gil Furnald:
My employer found out, and, yes, I got fired. They asked me a lot of questions, like whether I'm gay.

Denny:
Well, are you? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Alan:
What's your specialty?

Dr. Konigsberg:
Couples' counseling. I first saw the client and his wife together. Since the divorce, I've been working with him alone.

Alan:
So they came to you to improve their relationship, and now one wants to kill the other. Not your best work, was it, doctor?

Judge Hingham:
You want children to sit in the lap of a ho-mo-sexual?

Alan:
Technically Judge I think Homosexual is just one word.

Alan:
Those three little words again...

Al Sharpton:
[bursts into the courtroom] Sorry I'm late, Judge, I'll make this quick...

Alan:
And subtle!

Judge Harry Hingham:
[to Sharpton] Who the hell are you?

Al Sharpton:
[continues without pause] ...The image of Santa Claus has been crafted for hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of years. We're supposed to be in a different day. Give the world a black Santa Claus, let the people have an African-American come down the chimney bearing joy and good will!

Alan:
[whispers] Gay, not black.

Al Sharpton:
The prejudice against gay people must stop. We all say we're for gay rights. We all say we accept homosexuality. But give a gay man a hug, sit in his lap?

Judge Harry Hingham:
Who is this man?

Al Sharpton:
[continuing] Let the bells of tolerance ring out this Christmas. Let people open their minds as they open their presents underneath the tree. We need your mind, judge, today. Let the gay man be my brother, be your brother, be the school teacher, be the construction worker. Give the world a gay Santa Claus, God Almighty, God Almighty, God Almighty! Leave out the cookies and milk this Christmas Eve for a holly, jolly homosexual, God Almighty!

Alan:
And cut!

[courtroom explodes in applause]

Julio Flores:
You Alan Shore?

Alan:
Not if you're a process server

Denny:
Tom Delay is a friend of mine. He advised me to keep a rifle in the office

Detective:
My question is: Did it appear that the suspect was about to shoot Mr. Shore before you decided to take him out?

Denny:
No, why the hell would I wait for that?

Alan:
Alan Shore, it's a pleasure. [extends hand to shake Shirley's hand after using the restroom]

Shirley Schmidt:
Surely you intend to wash that.

Alan:
I keep an extremely clean penis.

Denny:
You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!

Shirley:
It was the Secretary of Defense.

Denny:
You hear the one about the fella who died? Went to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument and says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oooohhh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."

Nora:
Mrs. Schmidt?

Shirley:
My mother is Mrs. Schmidt; you may call me Schmidt.

Lori:
What are you doing out here?

Shirley:
Just looking at the city. Still trying to fathom that-

Lori:
The Red Sox won?

Catherine:
Alan! Hello!

Alan:
Mrs. Piper?

Catherine:
You remember! Ha, ha. Oh, I always say, "Shake a man's hand with dog poop on your glove, he'll remember you for life."

Alan:
Shirley? [sighs] What about senior partners? There would be nothing wrong with me...lusting, say, after you? Would there?

Shirley:
Go subscribe to National Geographic. Make a list of the places you'll never get to visit. Add to that list, Schmidt.

Bernie:
Alan, she said she was gonna call the police. She said what she heard would not be hearsay. She looked it up, she said because we were arguing, it would-it would qualify as an excited blutterance. Suddenly the skillet was in my hand and I swung.

Alan:
Blutterance isn't even a real word. Much less a defense. You murdered somebody over a fake word.

Denny:
Lock and load. Where is everybody?

Paul:
This is an administrative meeting, Denny.

Denny:
Oh! Then what the hell am I doing here?

Shirley:
Remember the good ole days when you liked to know what was going on? When you could go from your office to the elevator without a roadmap?

Denny:
Didn't need a roadmap to find my way around your body, did I, Shirley?

Shirley:
I wouldn't know. I was usually asleep.

Denny:
I once had her...and Streisand...at the same time. Remember that?

Shirley:
Hahhh, I do Denny. Ha ha. And not to burst your bubble, but that was a male impersonator. Perhaps the penis might have been your clue.

Alan:
Why does Shirley get to skip the staff meetings?

Paul:
She's got a trial in New York later this week, so she has a busy day.

Brad:
Some of us have trials today, so if you don't mind, I'd like to cut out.

Lori:
What's your case about, Brad?

Alan:
What is it about?

Brad:
It involves interference with contractual relations.

Alan:
You mean...lesbians?

Paul:
Where are you?

Brad:
Today, they're calling Tracy to testify that her ex-lover was-

Alan:
Lesbian ex-lover.

Brad:
-to testify that Tracy was scamming her for money. Tracy was in fact not an actual bone-fide...

Alan:
Lesbian?

Brad:
You like saying it?

Alan:
I do.

Brad:
Say it again.

Alan:
Lesbian.

Brad:
Keep going.

Alan:
LESBIAN! LESBIAN! Lez-bee-un. All together now!

All:
Lesbian!

Alan:
I also like to watch. How many people like to-

Paul:
All right, that's enough, this is a staff meeting. I'll ask you all to conduct yourselves appropriately and professionally.

Catherine:
Cookies everyone! Nourishment is most important in the morning.

Paul:
Who is this woman?

Catherine:
Take two, Tara, you're a rail.

(Later in the episode)

Alan:
Hey Brad! All together now!

All:
Lesbian!

Catherine:
Isn't coffee a lovely drug? I love brain stimulants, don't you? Uh, Catherine Piper!

Brad:
Brad Chase.

Catherine:
Brad Chase? You're defending a lesbian!

Lori:
Hi! I'm Lori Colson, we haven't officially met.

Catherine:
Hello, dear. Catherine Piper.

Lori:
For the future, I don't really appreciate comments about my hair.

Catherine:
Oh! I'm sorry. I was just trying to make conversation. And I assumed you wouldn't want me to go anywhere near your eyebrows.

Alan:
Shirley?

Shirley:
Alan?

Alan:
You're in the men's room again.

Shirley:
I need a favor.

Alan:
Certainly. My stall or yours?

Denny:
If she tries to pee standing up, come and get me. [after closing the door to the stall] Lock and load!

Denny:
Did my client tell you that this drug is unapproved by the FDA?

Mark Harrison:
Yes.

Denny:
Did he tell you that, ah, there could be side effects?

Mark Harrison:
Yes.

Denny:
You were fully informed.

Mark Harrison:
I was.

Denny:
You consented.

Mark Harrison:
I did.

Denny:
Take it again?

Mark Harrison:
Absolutely.

Denny:
Like the doctor?

Mark Harrison:
Love him.

Denny:
How's your memory?

Mark Harrison:
My memory's fine.

Denny:
What's my name?

Mark Harrison:
Denny Crane.

Denny:
Like you mean it!

Mark Harrison:
Denny Crane!

Denny:
What's my name?!

Mark Harrison:
[shouts] Denny Crane!

Denny:
No further questions.

Denny:
You would agree, Mr. Mayor, that by and large, vegetarians are communists?

Mayor George Bostwick:
I certainly would not.

Denny:
We're at war, Mr. Bostwick. Think we can win that war if we suddenly say to our soldiers, "No more meat"? Think a nation of fish-eaters can protect the world, you wimp?

Attorney for Mayor:
Objection?

Denny:
Withdrawn. Nothing further.

Mayor:
(Under his breath) Wimp?

Shirley:
(To Denny) What the hell are you doing?!?

Denny:
Don't bother with the merits, Shirley, this case is all about the Judge.

Judge Clark Brown:
Now I'm going to do the interrupting. If Nothing Else I pride myself on being conscientious fact finder.

Denny:
Oh Brother

Judge Brown:
Mr. Crane, did you say something?

Denny:
It's a stupid law. Overturn it, be a man.

Shirley:
Mr. Crane was trying to be helpful, apparently he did not succeed.

Judge Brown:
We will hold an evidentiary hearing at 2:00. We will first hear from the Mayor and then, Miss Schmidt, if you choose, we will hear from your client. Until then, we are adjourned.

Denny:
Put on a dress

Judge Brown:
2:00!

Shirley:
(To Denny) What are you doing?

Denny:
I know this Judge. I know where his buttons are.

Shirley:
Research shows, Denny, it's not wise to antagonize the people whose favor you're trying to court!

Denny:
Oh, come on Shirley. You still antagonize me and we both know what's really going on, don't we?

Shirley:
You sweet man. It's been a long time since anyone's hit my button. I doubt you'd even know where to find it!

Denny:
Just a matter of time, Shirley, just a matter of time. (To client, who's sitting right next to them) This doesn't involve you, man, it's sexual.

Alan:
When a man turns 40, he begins to take measure of himself. I must admit I don't like what I see.

Tara:
You're turning 43.

Alan:
If you don't mind, I'm trying to appear vulnerable to facilitate my snorkeling up your thighbone later.

Tara:
Alan? You boyfriend. Me girlfriend. You have a season's pass.

Alan:
You're ruining the conquest part, which is all it's really about for me.

Denny:
How can you ban red meat?

Dominick Ryan:
Well, they've got a whole campaign, they're going to go with it. They plan to promote Summersport as the seafood capital of the world.

Denny:
We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.

Dominick:
Is there anything we can do?

Shirley:
We'll get an immediate TRO.

Denny:
I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass Constitutional mustard.

Shirley:
The word is "muster", Denny, but you're right - the law lacks condiments.

Chelina Hall:
Schmidt! Called?

Shirley:
Chelina? I called you three hours ago! Where have you been?

Chelina:
Patriots parade.

Shirley:
The Patriots parade was last week!

Chelina:
Three Super Bowls. Four years. I'm still on parade.

Denny:
How are you doing? Denny Crane.Still cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Alan:
the thought of giving representation to that thug...

Denny:
come on, we hate all our clients. It's good to hate - it allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night.

Donny Crane:
We're talking about emotions of the heart.

Denny:
Objection. Sounds like a girly man.

Donny Crane:
[angrily] Move to strike!

Denny:
That's better.

Lori:
And what exactly is your defense?

Alan:
Something like let him go even though he did it.

Lori:
Jury nullification?

Alan:
Best I can tell, though Shirley hasn't really filled me in.

Shirley:
Talking about me?

Alan:
Yes Shirley. If you so enjoy keeping me in the dark, you really should give me a try…in the dark.

Alan:
First of all, the idea of giving representation to that thug…

Denny:
Alan, c'mon, we hate all our clients. It's good to hate, allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night.

Catherine:
Piper: All I'm saying is if you killed two people and if you're as alone as you say, there couldn't be a

Bernard Ferrion:
Under normal circumstances I'd agree.

Catherine Piper:
But?

Bernard Ferrion:
I'm Jewish.

Catherine Piper:
Bernie, there has never ever been a Jewish serial killer.

Bernard Ferrion:
Son of Sam? David Berkowitz?

Catherine Piper:
He was adopted. Genetically, he's one of ours.

Bernard Ferrion:
Well, what are you saying?

Catherine Piper:
I am saying that if you're out there murdering people, on some level, you must want to be Christian. Would you let me take you to church?

Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham:
What if somebody wanted to get frozen to avoid the draft?

Denny:
Let him move to Canada, freeze his balls off. [Judge James Billmeyer looks at him] Denny Crane!

Lori:
Wait, this firm is actually going to help Milton Bombay be put on ice?

Catherine:
Oh, come now Lori. You of all people should know it's not so bad to go through life as a popsicle.

Shirley:
I know you recently retired. Is this...

Milton:
And please do not proffer psychological counsel. I came in here in search of legal and intellectual acuity.

Shirley:
And you sought out Denny?

Shirley:
Milton, I consider you a friend. Actually I don't, I find you a bit boorish...

ADA Jackson:
No cell phones allowed in here. How'd you get by with that?

Alan:
I told the guard we're waiting for a last minute call from your conscience. Collect.

Tara:
Nymphomania?

Shirley:
Anything you can find. And we'll need to line up an expert who can testify, possibly as soon as tomorrow.

Brad:
It's not a real disease. It's an excuse offered up by sex perv sickos.

Shirley:
Yes, Brad. Thank you for that.

Lori:
It's also a sexist diagnosis, as well as bogus. If a man was running around trying to schtup everything he could, we wouldn't say that he had a disease. We would just call him…

Denny:
[entering, uttering his signature line] Denny Crane.

Shirley:
Exactly.

Alan:
I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.

Alan:
I promise you. By the time I finish tomorrow, those judges - every last one of them - will rise up and say "Never mind executing Ezekiel Borns. Let's kill Alan Shore instead."

Chelina:
Hey! Pretty boy. How'd you like to go to Texas?

Alan:
I'd love to. I haven't had my shots.

Shirley:
He is ultimately a benign man who we all happen to care about, including you. I think what you really mean to do is voice your concern unofficially.

Lori:
I'm making an official complaint. If there's forms to be filled out please have them sent to my office. [walks away]

Shirley:
You little bitch.