Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 5

Caleb:
At least you still have people who want to see you. My family hasn't been here to see me since the trial. You eat nine people, and all of a sudden they "don't know who you are anymore".

Jake:
Wait... What? Did you say "eat people"? Are you a cannibal, Caleb?

Caleb:
Well, that's not how I would define myself. If we're going by what I'm most passionate about, I'm a woodworker.

Terry:
So how's prison?

Rosa:
Nobody likes cops in here so I had to earn their respect by starting a bunch of riots, I got thrown in solitary for a week, what's going on with your face?

Terry:
I hate seeing you like this so I'm flexing my eyes real hard to keep from crying. It's okay, we can still have a normal conversation. So, how's the food?

Holt:
Pay no attention to him, Rosa. He's very emotional, Rosa.

Rosa:
Why are you saying my first name?

Holt:
Well, Rosa... I read an article on the medical journal that said one destabilizing aspect of incarceration is the constant dehumanization, Rosa. You need to be reminded that you're more than just a number, Rosa. You are Rosa... Rosa.

Rosa:
Yeah, that fixes prison.

Terry:
Is there anything we can do to help you? Anything you need done on the outside?

Rosa:
No, I'm good.

Terry:
It's not a problem...

Holt:
...Rosa.

Terry:
We're here for you...

Holt:
...Rosa.

Terry:
Whatever you need...

Holt:
...Rosa.

Amy:
Jake, I'm always gonna be one step ahead of you. You've lost the ability to surprise me. Ya just plain boring.

Jake:
Again, weird take on a very loving relationship.

Amy:
And it's midnight, so I guess I'm an amazing human/genius.

Jake:
Yeah. Although you might wanna read the inscription on that there belt.

Amy:
Why? Oh, no, what does it say? [reads inscription] "Amy Santiago, will you marry me?"

[Amy turns around to see Jake on one knee holding out an engagement ring]

Jake:
Surprise.

Amy:
I'm so confused. I don't know what's happening right now.

Jake:
"I'm so confused I don't know what's happening right now": title of your sex tape.

Amy:
"Oh, my God, I'm shaking. I'm definitely gonna cry. [grins] Title of your sex tape. [beat] Wait, is this really happening? Is this part of the heist? If this is part of the heist, I will dump you so hard.

Jake:
No, please, Ames, look, it's really happening, okay? It's not part of the heist. I promise, this is real.

Amy:
It is?

Jake:
Yeah. Okay, here it goes. Ames, I love you. I love how smart you are. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt. I should've written this down first.

Amy:
No, no, it's okay. Go on.

Jake:
I love how much you pretend to like Die Hard.

Amy:
I like the second one.

Jake:
You don't have to. You're kind, and you're funny, and you're the best person I know, and the best detective. [pause] Also, for reals, I love your butt.

Amy:
I love yours too.

Jake:
Gross. [chuckles] Amy Santiago, will you marry me?

Amy:
Jake Peralta, I will marry you.

[They kiss]

Amy:
I love you so much.

Charles:
[busting into the evidence room] Hey, jerkos, this little Tramp escaped, so that ought to teach... [notices Jake's ring box] D-did you just...? [Jake nods] And did you say...? [Amy nods whilst showing her ring]

[Charles hyperventilates and faints]

Raymond Holt:
Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.

[Holt is briefing the Nine-Nine on what mobster Seamus Murphy is demanding as a favour from him]

Jake Peralta:
A permit to throw a block party? We don't even have to break the law! This is fantastic news!

Raymond Holt:
I am not giving Seamus Murphy that permit. He only wants to use the block party as a cover for something criminal. A robbery, a murder or something worse.

Jake Peralta:
You don't know that for sure. And that's your loophole.

Raymond Holt:
I don't believe in loopholes.

Jake Peralta:
What? Loopholes are the best. Remember that time when Pancake Palace had that all-you-can-eat deal, but they didn't set a time limit? I ate pancakes for a week for $3.99, all I had to do was sleep there and never shower.

[Amy looks visibly disgusted]

Norm Scully:
[outraged] What!? Thanks for the invite, friend!

Holt:
This is one of several designated areas where you can stand upright during the day. You can move about freely in this square.

Jake:
Wow... so we have all this room to work in?

Holt:
Your hand can be seen from the living room window. You just killed Kevin.

Kevin:
Raymond...

Holt:
I can't hear you Kevin, you're dead. [to Jake] He bled out in your lap. How will you break the news to me? Let's see.

Jake:
We don't have to do this...

Holt:
Ah, detective Peralta, how are things going with Kevin, the love of my life? Wait, why are you here at this late hour? And whose blood is that?

Jake:
Okay, I get it...

Holt:
It's Kevin's? This is devastating, I'm inconsolable. And... [snaps fingers] I've killed myself.

Jake:
Cool. Well, I can see this is going to be a fun couple of months.

[Jake re-enters the interrogation room to confront his murder suspect, Phillip Davidson, one last time]

Lawyer:
He's not answering any questions.

Jake Peralta:
That's okay, I have no questions. That's right, I'm about to monologue, son!

Phillip Davidson:
[smiling] Better make it quick. You only got eight minutes.

Jake:
All right, then let me paint you a picture. I'm Phillip, a successful periodontist that's become addicted to Diazepam, a sedative I take because I'm a junkie scum. Also, for real, addiction is a disease, I would be super empathetic if you hadn't murdered a man.

Lawyer:
What is the point of this?

Jake:
I'll get there. So, one day I'm working late, when my boss, Robert surprises me. He found out I was stealing meds. Again, junkie scum. Again, not your fault, there's a genetic component to addiction. He says he's going to file a police report. I could lose my licence. We fight, and something in me just snaps. So I grab the first thing I can find, and I hit him with it.

Lawyer:
You still have no murder weapon.

Jake:
I do now. [places a picture on the table] Here's a pic I found on Yelp of the surgical suite six months ago. [places a second picture on the table] Here's a shot that our crime scene photographers took of the same room two weeks after the murder. Notice any differences?

Lawyer:
We're not answering that.

Jake:
That's all right, I can just tell you myself. The Yelp shot has six of these heavy looking glass awards from the Brooklyn Periodontics Society in the background, whereas [points to the crime scene photo] this shot only has five. What happened to number six? You murdered Robert with it!

Phillip:
[getting increasingly agitated] I didn't.

Jake:
You lost control, and you bludgeoned him to death. There must have been blood everywhere. But you got lucky! You were in the surgical suite. It can be sterilised - you never would've gotten away with it in your carpeted office.

Phillip:
That's not what happened.

Lawyer:
Don't say anything more, Phillip.

Jake:
And your office manager would've heard all of the screaming, but she was at her grandson's play. Lucky again!

Phillip:
You're wrong.

Jake:
You put Robert's body into a wheelchair and shoved it in the elevator, it's a miracle there wasn't blood everywhere.

Phillip:
That's not true.

Jake:
Now you're in the garage, with a corpse. You panicked, and left your phone in your office, and you don't have your car keys, but Robert's are in his pocket, so you put him in his car, and you take off!

Phillip:
No.

Jake:
You can't believe what you've done!

Phillip:
No!

Lawyer:
Phillip!

Jake:
You're flustered, you have no GPS, so you just start driving!

Phillip:
NO!

Lawyer:
Phillip!

Jake:
Next thing you know, you're in the Pine Barrens, and it hits you, your uncle's cabin. He has a place there. You're the luckiest son of a bitch!

Phillip:
IT WASN'T LUCK!

Jake:
Yes it was! You got lucky at EVERY turn!

Phillip:
[leaps out of his chair] No! I knew exactly where I was driving. I left my phone in the office on purpose. I was in the surgical suite by design. And I didn't use some glass award that any idiot would clearly see was missing. I made a rod out of a special dental polymer, killed him with it, and melted it back down. It's already in a patient's mouth, SON!

[Jake smiles triumphantly at him, while Phillip collapses back into his seat, realising what he's just said, while Holt watches in shock from the door]

Raymond Holt:
Oh damn. Oh damn. Oh, DAMN!

Jake:
And that is three "Oh damns"! [while leaving] Oh damn!

[Jake and a witness are viewing a line-up]

Jake:
So, do you recognize any of these men?

Witness:
I was hiding in the bathroom stall, so I didn't see his face. But I heard him. He was singing along to the music at the bar.

Jake:
Do you remember what he was singing?

Witness:
I think it was that song, "I Want It That Way".

Jake:
Backstreet Boys. I'm familiar. Okay. [presses intercom] Number one, could you please sing the opening to "I Want It That Way"?

Number One:
Really? Okay. [singing] You are my fire...

Jake:
Number two, keep it going.

Number Two:
The one desire...

Jake:
Number three.

Number Three:
Believe when I say...

Jake:
Number four.

Number Four:
I want it that way.

Jake:
[singing] Tell me why!

Suspects:
Ain't nothing but a heartache...

Jake:
Tell me why!

Suspects:
Ain't nothing but a mistake...

Jake:
[still singing] Now number five...

Number Five:
I never want to hear you say...

Suspects:
I want it that way.

Jake:
Ah, chills! Literal chills!

Witness:
It was number five. Number five killed my brother.

Jake:
Oh my God, I forgot about that part.

Gina:
The only thing I'm not good at is modesty, because I'm great at it.

Jake:
I love you, Amy. Amy: Ew, what?! Jake: What?! Amy: Ha! Just kidding. Jake: Ooh.. cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.