Camp Lazlo, Season 5

Lazlo:
Oops.

Milt:
"Oops?!" We're stranded in the wild with no supervision, and no shelter! And you say, "Oops?!" [paranoid] We're all gonna die. [spins around, panicking] We're all gonna die! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!

Clam:
Milt! Come here. [holds out his arms, offering Milt for comfort]

Lazlo:
Hey, Edward! You can sleep in my sleeping bag!

Edward:
I don't have much of a choice, do I? [gets in Lazlo's sleeping bag] Your pajamas feel nice to! What are they, flannel?

Lazlo:
I sleep in the nude.

Lazlo:
I need to tell Dave I love him!

Edward:
[to the audience] You can't write this kind of stuff.

Edward:
DAVE, I LOVE YOU!

Edward:
It feels good to wash this day away. All those acts of kindness and compassion. They went against everything I've ever stood for. I feel like my soul's been hacked from my body and trampled.

Chef McMuseli:
[offended] HEY! That was supposed to be vegetarian!

Leonard:
The sky is too blue.

Liniment:
The grass is too green.

[Louie farts]

Larry:
Louie farted.

[Slinkman brings Lazlo, Samson, Harold, and Edward into his office to talk to them]

Lazlo:
So, what do you guys think Slinkman wants to talk to us about?

Harold:
I don't know.

Samson:
It's a mystery.

Edward:
As long as this isn't about me forcing the sheep to eat mud. Which I didn't! Then I don't care what this is about.

Slinkman:
[enters] Hey, fellas.

Edward:
[shouting] I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! [shuts his mouth]

Slinkman:
Okay.

Edward:
I can't believe this! They're not complaining on purpose!

Harold:
But why would they do that?

Edward:
Don't you see? They're jealous of our pinball!

Samson:
Yeah, and our hats!

Edward:
No Samson. They're not jealous of our hats.

Samson:
Our badges?

Edward:
Stop talking.

Mayor Pothole McPucker:
Wait a minute, ma'am.

Jane:
DON'T YOU "WAIT A MINUTE" ME, YOU SCOUNDREL!

[After Lumpus has confessed his love for Jane while disguised as a woman]

Mayor Pothole McPucker:
...I love you too!

Jane:
Huh?!

Mayor Pothole McPucker:
I'm sorry, Jane. She's hot.

Samson:
[in a solemn, but horrified voice] I tried to pick up Scoutmaster Lumpus.

Lazlo:
[remembers] Yacka! That's who it was!

Almondine:
[narrating] Who is that desperate bird? That desperate bird is me, and my name… is Almondine. [Six hours earlier…] Six hours ago, I was just another Squirrel Scout.

Toodie:
[walking up next to her as they stand in front of the Wig Out tent] Hey, Almondine. Are you ready for the annual Acorn Flats Wig Out?

Almondine:
[spins her head around 360 degrees, creeping Toodie out, and stops] Sure am. [narrating] Or at least an owl Squirrel Scout with a gifted third vertebrae. Yes, the Wig Out-- special night when girls dress up with their finest wigs and get to be pretty. [walks into the tent and enters the dressing room while all the other Squirrel Scouts work on their wigs] I've been working on my wig for two weeks straight, and I was pretty sure I nailed it. [removes the blanket that's covering her wig, revealing that it looks just like her real hair]

Miss Mucus:
Ladies, how do we all feel about Almondine's wig?

Nina:
Ugh. The hat. What were you thinking?

Almondine:
It's to keep the wig arm. [Nina and Patsy look at each other confused] I'm just trying to be practical.

Miss Mucus:
People are driving hundreds of miles to the wig out, and they ain't coming for practical. They want the pretties, right, gals?

Tootie:
Like flowers.

Rachel:
Telephones.

Miss Mucus:
Someone get Almondine some curlers. She's got work to do. [leaves]

Patsy:
We've got six hours to go! Are you sure you're gonna have something pretty?

Almondine:
No problem.

Patsy:
Oh, good. 'cause if your wig's not pretty, it'll ruin the whole wig out. [laughs as she and her friends leave]

Almondine:
[narrating] "Pretty." There was that word again. I had no idea what it meant.

Almondine:
Miss Doe, what is pretty?

Jane:
Well, little girls are pretty, and cold left overs are pretty!

Almondine:
Cold leftovers?

Almondine:
[looks at her reflection in the mirror for a second, then takes off her glasses and gets to work; narrating] I did things to my face that I had never done before. After a bucket of paint and a gallon of elbow grease, I was ready to see the new me. [puts her glasses back on and looks at her reflection, seeing that she looks exactly the same as she was before in shock] Nothing. I guess pretty was just for pretty people. Not for plain practical birds…like me.

Patsy:
[enters with Nina and Gretchen] Hi, Almondine! Are you ready for the Wig Out?

Almondine:
[bawling her eyes out and runs out of the tent] Forget it! [throws the magazine on the ground in frustration and runs off into the forest; narrating] The Wig Out was going to be a disaster, and it was all my fault. I had to get away, somewhere else, under a pretty name like "Tiffany" or "Alexis", at some other camp, a camp where they don't know me, a camp where they're not so pretty. [finds the Jelly Cabin Trio, all behaving like hobos]

Lazlo:
Looks like we got company, boys. Sit a spell, stranger.

Almondine:
[takes a seat on a box] Brother, can you spare me a banana? I haven't eaten all day.

Raj:
[gives her a banana] Well, what you been up to?

Almondine:
Chasing a dream.

Raj:
Doesn't look like she caught it.

Almondine:
Thought I knew what pretty was. Turns out, I don't know anything about it.

Lazlo:
Aw, that's nothing. Whatever makes you different is what makes you pretty.

Raj:
Yep, and we've got more pretty than we know what to do with.

Jellies:
Yeah!

Almondine:
You do?

Raj:
Take me. You know how elephants are supposed to remember everything?

Almondine:
Yeah.

Raj:
Well, I can't remember anything. No, really. Test me.

Almondine:
What did you have for lunch today?

Raj:
Okay, yeah. I had one of those…uh…things between two, uh, slices of things. [facepalms] Oh! What do you call?

Almondine:
Oh, a sandwich?

Raj:
Huh? You want a sandwich? What did you say?

Lazlo:
Isn't that pretty?

Almondine:
Well, it's different at least.

Almondine:
[calling out to the Jelly Cabin Trio hobos while running back to camp] Thanks, hobos! I'll never forget you guys!

Pig:
You! You ruined our Wig Out-- the only time any of us get a chance to really express ourselves!

Pelican:
And now you're gonna pay!

Patsy:
[off-screen] Hold it, folks! [stands next to Almondine, defending her] She was trying to express herself, too! Maybe it wasn't pretty, but it was 100% Almondine.

Almondine:
Yeah, well, I may not be pretty, but I'm gorgeous! Just the way I am!

Patsy:
Yes! That's what I'm talking about! Gorgeous!

Clam:
[waking up from his pancake dream] Pancake Day!

Lazlo:
[unenthusiastically while sleeping] Yay.

Raj:
Clam, it is not considered day until there is sun. Until then, it is night.

Clam:
Pancakes, pancakes! [bolts out of the Jelly cabin and into the Mess Hall as the sun rises in daytime] Pancakes, pancakes, pancakes! [howls like a rooster as Chef McMuseli opens the kitchen window while yawning; excitedly] Pancake Day!

Chef McMuseli:
[remembers unenthusiastically] Oh, yeah. It's Pancake Tuesday. [gets a tub of pancake batter] Huh… Ooh-whee, gosh. The batter tub's pretty empty.

Lumpus:
Happy Pancake Day to me! [chuckles joyfully] Good golly. I don't know when I've seen such a-- [notices Clam growling furiously when facing him] Uh…

Lazlo:
[still asleep in bed but not for long when he wakes up as Raj and Clam enter the cabin] Hey, guys. You bring back any pancakes?

Raj:
No time for flapjack talk, Lazlo. Clam is going on the lam!

Lazlo:
[sitting up] He's what?

Raj:
He stirred himself up a mess of trouble. Our friend Clam has become an outlaw!

Lumpus:
Get a rope.

Slinkman:
Sir?

Lumpus:
We'll need one to get the bus out.

Slinkman:
Oh, yeah, right.

Lumpus:
[playing the keytar] Let me tell you about a dude... [murmuring while playing] ...who can be a bit... [key line] ...rude. He'll get you some.... [pause]

Slinkman:
Food.

Lumpus:
FOOD! And maybe a...hot dog or something. [stops playing the keytar] ALL RIGHT, HE'S OUTLAW! LUMPUS ALRIGHT, ME?! [the Bean Scouts looked puzzled] HERE COMES THE BRIDGE! YEAH!

Lazlo:
Now, we've got to decide what to do about Chip and Skip. If they're not stopped, they may destroy the whole world.

Samson:
But what can we do?

Edward:
We can hit them! It's always worked for me!

Lazlo:
Let's try to think of something nonviolent.

Edward:
Then I got nothing.

Lazlo:
Chip? Skip? Are you guys down there? [Chip pops out of the hole] Where's the other one?

Skip:
[pops out of Chip's mouth] This better be good.

Chip:
Let's see, what do you think?

Skip:
[examines the penny] Hmm, not bad... [Chip starts to smile] ...But not good. [Chip frowns] It's a fake!

Lazlo:
What? But, how do you know?

Chip:
Our penny had a picture of Abraham Lincoln on it.

Lazlo:
That penny has a picture of Abraham Lincoln on it.

Chip:
Our Abraham Lincoln had an eyepatch.

Skip:
And a Banjo.

[Lazlo's eyes roll crazy and his head explodes]

Chip:
Keep you're phoniness penny [gives the headless Lazlo back the penny]

Skip:
How dumb those he think we are?

Chip:
But you can't have a funeral until the search is called off.

Lazlo:
It was called off this morning.

Skip:
Who called it off?

Lazlo:
President Frankenstien...

Dave:
[as President Frankenstien] I'm sorry for your loss.

Skip:
I'm okay!

Chip:
I'm not!

Clam:
What if he goes poopie? [Raj releases a loud fart as he messes his diaper] Too late.

Slinkman:
Oh, it looks like it's a baby.

Lumpus:
A what?

Slinkman:
Well, a baby is like a little person, who will one day grow up to be a big person.

Lumpus:
Sweet mother of science, what will they think of next?

Raj:
Now that was weird.

Lumpus:
Son?

Raj:
I think I'm going now.

Lumpus:
Going but where?

Raj:
Back to camp and outdoor living. I am through with gadgets.

Lazlo:
Can I help you?

Larrison:
[carrying a box of letters] I need to mail some letters. But I can't lick the envelopes. [points to his short tongue, clicking it]

Almondine:
Gretchen? GRETCHEN!

Gretchen:
Look, Almondine, I already told you, the Wingnut Sisterhood Club is an exclusive club!

Almondine:
Uhh… What makes it exclusive?

Gretchen:
What do you got?

Almondine:
Well, um… Oh! I can spot a mouse from 3 miles and can write with both hands!

Gretchen:
Then we're exclusive of ambidextrous birds of prey. Now, SCRAM!

Gretchen:
What about you, Nina? What crazy things has your younger sib done?

Nina:
[sobbing in protest] NO, I'M NOT! I'M NOT AN ONLY CHILD! [runs off into the woods, bawling]

[After Nina runs off into the forest, crying]

Squirrel:
Why is it that campers always run into the forest when they get upset?

Lumpus:
[grabs Wilbert by the collar] DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!

Wilbert:
No!

Lumpus:
I'M BORED! And you call yourself a doctor?!

Wilbert:
Uh, no, actually I don't--

Lumpus:
Nobody does anything exciting anymore! Look at these kids! They don't do anything! Look out there. This camp is all played out.

Raj:
Lazlo, call on line two.

Lazlo:
Hi, caller. Do you have a request?

Samson:
[through tin can phone; sobbing sadly] Yes. I request an explanation. [in the bathroom stall; tearing up] Why am I so lonely?! [cries]

Lazlo:
Caller? You seem to have a serious case of the blues.

Samson:
You think?

Lumpus:
We have a tradition to our family, Jane.

Slinkman:
These are Edward's big brothers.

Lumpus:
[relaxing on a lawn chair while enjoying his coffee] You going to tell me what you want or are you just going to stare?

[The scene cuts to the Bean Scouts holding bags of dirty clothes cause it's laundry day today]

Slinkman:
It's laundry day, sir.

Lumpus:
Cancel it. [stares angrily at Slinkman]

Slinkman:
No can do, [opens a green book and flipped through the pages of how Lumpus cancels laundry day so many times] you've cancelled it so many times that there's only one more page left in the calendar.

Lumpus:
Oh, really? Let me see. [rips a page out of the book and sees it] Mmm-hmm. Hmm. [crumbles the page, dip it a coffee and eats it. Then he drinks the coffee] Ahh!

[Slinkman glares at Lumpus]

Lumpus:
Don't be a sucker, Slinky. Laundry is the biggest waste of time there is. Why if it weren't for the laundry, we'd have time to solve world hunger and invent time travel.

Slinkman:
Or sleep all day on a lawn chair?

Lumpus:
Oh, okay! [fall fast asleep on a lawn chair]

Slinkman:
[shows Lumpus the children who are wearing dirty clothes] And what about the children? [off-screen] They've been wearing the same filthy clothes for weeks.

Lumpus:
[wakes up] Well, when I'm feeling less than fresh, I simply turn my clothes inside out and let the breeze clean them.

[Green filthy gas from Lumpus' unclean bean scout uniform pops out and destroys everything from Camp Kidney. Lumpus smells his uniform and knows it needs to get washed]

Lumpus:
[looks himself through the mirror] Well, I am either a lunatic or the greatest genius the world has ever known.

[After the Bean Scouts throw away their clothes; Lumpus is giving them an announcement]

Lumpus:
Listen up, Beans, Say goodbye to those cotton-poly prisons called clothes. Today we break the time wasting Saul washing cycle of wash, wear and repeat, For I, Algonquin C. Genius, have invented a uniform that can be worn around the clock and never needs washing.

Beans Scouts:
[off-screen] Yeah!

[Lumpus takes out some red paint]

Lumpus:
Who wants to try one on?

Edward:
Does it have to be a Bean Scout uniform?

Lumpus:
Not at all, choose any style you like.

[Edward uses blue paint and paints himself a tuxedo, and a hat which he puts on his head. Lazlo uses green paint and paints himself invisible. Chip and Skip use brown paint and paint themselves some Bean Scout uniforms and add some faces to the backs of their heads]

Chip and Skip:
Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha!

[Samson uses pink paint and paints himself a ballerina costume and added tutu. He twirls like a ballerina. Meanwhile, the Owl Cop drives his bicycle and stops at Camp Kidney. He use his binoculars and sees Dave, Ping Pong and Harold making painted clothes]

Owl Cop:
[off-screen] Huh? [on-screen] Uhh... [went to talk to Lumpus] Mister, what in Bob's bingo is going on here?

Lumpus:
Umm, what does it look like?

Owl Cop:
Like a bunch of folks wearing paint instead of clothes. [Lumpus has an unhappy expression] What color do you have?

Lumpus:
[as he finishes painting the cop's clothes] And that should about...do it.

Owl Cop:
Oh man, that's perfect.

Lumpus:
Kiss those dry cleaning bills goodbye.

Owl Cop:
You got any bicycle paint? [later, after Lumpus turns the cop's bicycle into a motorcycle] Oh man, I'm telling all my friends about this! [drives away]

[The last scene of the series]

Lumpus:
Let me just start by saying how surprised I am. Surprised you have an honor to be sooner I mean I was telling people that I've been a genius for years. But perhaps I am not here to point fingers. [suddenly, rain clouds appear in the sky] There are some people that I like to thank for helping me. [the thunder's rumble is heard] Oh no, wait! I did it all myself. [laughs hysterically as the lightning crashes. Then it begins to rain washing all of the people's painted clothes off] Yes, that's me, the exulted one. Worship me of the universe. [laughs hysterically as the rain washes his painted clothes off. The rain stops and he looks down] DAH!

Owl Cop:
[gasps] Hey! He's naked... [looks down]

[All of the Prickly Pines citizens begin panicking. Tarson grabs one of the citizens to cover his naked body. The two green moose walk away from each other and Lazlo and the Bean Scouts feel uncomfortable]

Owl Cop:
[to Lumpus while covering his naked body] Now what are we going to do? We destroyed our clothes!

Lumpus:
Yeah? So is that a bad thing?

Professor Lion:
It's a disaster! And you're the crazy person. [walks away] We never should've listened to you.

[The citizens tell Lumpus that he's no genius at all. Suddenly the statue of Lumpus from the future disintegrates turning back into everyone's clothes who haven't been washed in a thousand years]

Lumpus:
[gasps] NO!

[The two green moose from the future turn into present day guys losing their antlers and becoming very thin and skinny]

Futuristic Moose 1:
Well, there goes the future.

Futuristic Moose 2:
Hey, I'm starving.

Futuristic Moose 1:
Let's go back to the future and grab a bite.

[They both go into the time machine]

Owl Cop:
Quick, let's get them clothes on!

[The citizens put their stinky clothes on] 

Prickly Pine citizen:
[groans in disgust] They stink. 

Owl Cop:
Well, they haven't been washed in a thousand years! THANKS A LOT, GENIUS!

[The citizens run towards Lumpus until they hear the police siren from the distance. The police car and the hospital van come to a stop. The real scoutmaster, a steer, and the police officer step out of the police car]

Real Scoutmaster:
Uh-huh, uh-huh! [points up to Lumpus] That's him, officer! That's the bad moose who locked me in the closet all summer and stole my job as scoutmaster! [to Slinkman and the Bean Scouts] He fooled all of you! He's an impostor, a fake, and worse… He is no scoutmaster of Camp Kidney!

Bean Scouts:
[shocked] WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Lumpus:
[defensively] Yeah, so?! [a hospital guard walks up to Lumpus] What are you doing? [the hospital guard puts a straitjacket on him] Get your hands off of me! [the hospital guard then picks him up and walks off with him] I'll get you for this, cow!

Real Scoutmaster:
[takes his real hat from Lumpus and puts it back on] Steer!

Lumpus:
I'm a genius, you know! [the hospital guard drives off with him] I'M A GENIUS!

[Lazlo, Raj, Clam, Samson and Edward are standing around naked]

Lazlo:
Goodbye, Scoutmaster Lumpus! Get some rest! Boy, what a happy ending.

Edward:
Lazlo, we're standing here in Prickly Pines naked, and the moose we thought was our scoutmaster had just got hauled off as a deranged lunatic to a funny farm.

Lazlo:
Yeah! What a great summer! Whoo! I can't wait for next year!

[Everyone walks off-screen, leaving Samson behind]

Samson:
[unimpressed] Okay. I think it's just officially got to the point where it can't get any weirder. [then walks off-screen and joins the others as the scene fades to black]

[The last credits of the series; Lumpus's car keys falls into the house of a fish family in Leaky Lake]

Stanley:
[notices Lumpus's car keys] Hey, Helen! Look what fell from the roof! It's a sign from the heavens of male superiority!

Helen:
[off-screen] That's nice, Stanley, but can you take out the garbage now?

[The last of the keys falls down]

Stanley:
[last line of the series; unhappy] Uh, yeah...okay.

[The scene cuts to Cartoon Network Studios logo and then fades to black, ending the episode and the series]