Coupling, Series Two

Patrick:
There's one thing I don't get here. You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right?

Jeff:
Yeah.

Patrick:
And you haven't had sex with her?

Jeff:
No.

Patrick:
You see my problem?

Steve:
Let me explain, Patrick. Here on Earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them that we like to call conversation. In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years.

Patrick:
Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women.

Steve:
Well, do the women talk too?

Patrick:
[pause] Well, they must do.

Jane:
I've always wanted to date a gynaecologist. I want to know I'm special.

Jeff:
But what about my legs, Steve? She's bound to count them eventually!

Jeff:
I've got the key to the gates of paradise... but I've got too many legs!

Steve:
You know what they say: If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals.

[Patrick doesn't realize a sculpture of his penis was actually for a sex toy]

Steve:
I think you may have been had, mate.

Jeff:
And a lot more often than you realize.

[Steve is relating the fact that he accidentally saw Sally naked]

Jeff:
So, how was it?

Steve:
It was a bottom... I hadn't seen it before... I wasn't bored.

Sally:
Having a bottom is living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way.

Steve:
What are they [cushions] for?

Store Manager:
You sit on them.

Steve:
Aha! I see that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Ok, watch this! Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me! I'm sitting down, and what do I do on my final approach? I... [he moves the cushion from the seat] oop! Move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process! It just lies there, it's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!

Jane:
It's... you know, padding.

Steve:
Oh, padding! Oh now that's interesting. See, I like padding. You know, if I was, say, an American football player with all those big bastards running at me, I would say, you know, "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!" You know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much!" But Susan, Sally, Jane, this... is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so is to shield the unprotected user from the way of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and of course - [he collapses behind the sofa and reemerges] - Daleks! You lot, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery! So please, once and for all, tell me, why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of THESE!

Susan:
Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom it might stop you talking!

Steve:
Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again?

Jeff:
Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?

Steve:
[snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her [huskily] "baby."

Jeff:
You never called her "baby" before.

Steve:
You've never called anyone "baby" before.

Jeff:
So why did you just call her "baby"? Suddenly you're starting to blush.

Steve:
Now, you're blushing and you've got an erection. No-one's got enough blood!

Jeff:
[Scotty voice] The engines, Cap'n! They cannae take it!

Steve:
Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.

Jeff:
Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.

Steve:
"Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!"

Jeff:
[hand goes down] Pufff.

Patrick:
[with terror and disbelief] How do you guys manage to have sex?

Steve:
["duh!" voice] We don't.

Jeff:
I haven't had sex in years.

Steve:
It's just not possible anymore.

Jeff:
We are followers of the Melty Man.

Steve:
And you're one of us now.

Jane:
You know the real way to tell if a man likes you? Have a drink with him, and if he puts his glass down really close to yours, that means he really likes you and something's definitely going to happen.

Sally:
You know, I think Patrick does that. I think he does that glass thing.

Jane:
Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection's a bit more reliable.

Patrick:
[learning about the Melty Man] So who is he?

Steve:
The arch enemy of trouser confidence.

Jeff:
Professor Moriarty in groin form.

Steve:
Darth Vader...

Jeff:
...without the helmet.

Jane:
I don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet. You'd never have any surprises.

Steve:
This week's top tip from Children's Hour.

Jane:
I'm reporting traffic, there's bound to be casualties!

Steve:
Lesbians don't eat people, Susan!

Sally:
Did you know that your nose keeps growing all your life? If I don't get married soon, they're going to have to cut a hole in the veil!

Jeff:
Steve, you know what the sentence of death is, don't you? I don't mean the sentence like in executions and stuff, I mean the scary one... Just five words, Steve. Five little words. "Where. Is. This. Relationship. Going?"

Jeff:
You know what's great about skirts? When a woman's wearing a skirt, you know, you know that somewhere in that room, shifting all the time, there is the VAA: the Visual Access Angle. A clear line of sight back to base camp.

Patrick:
[on inventing a fake marriage] What choice did I have? I'm thirty-three, single, with neat hair. Even I think I'm gay!

Jeff:
[as Steve is on the phone] What's wrong?

Steve:
It's Jane. She's stuck naked in someone else's flat!

Jeff:
Naked?

Steve:
Completely! She's only got her coat!

Jeff:
Can I speak to her? [he takes the phone] Hi Jane, it's Jeff.

Jane:
[bewildered] Hi, Jeff...

Jeff:
[grins, pauses, then hands the phone back to Steve] Thanks. [he walks off]

Jane:
Jeff?

Steve:
Um, he's just gone to the loo... might be some time.

Sally:
It's a scientific fact that if you say "naked" three or more times, to any man, he has to cross his legs.

Steve:
You think that if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine?

Jeff:
I know. Mothers, eh? Did you ever find your mother would always appear at your bedroom door at the worst possible time and say 'Oh Jeffery'?

Steve:
Well... not being called Jeffery.

Jeff:
'Oh Jeffery', always so disappointed.

Jeff:
I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place.

Steve:
I'm sure you always... lend a hand.

Jeff:
Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Ohh, no! Daylight!"

Jeff:
You know what having a girlfriend is like? Having a girlfriend is like legalised sex.

Steve:
Jeff, sex is legal. It always has been legal.

Jeff:
You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.

Jane:
I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sister and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Jane.

Sally:
But you're Jane.

Jane:
Kinda stuck. It's a long story.

Patrick:
Julia's pants... are they really tiny?

Jeff:
You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go!

Patrick:
Jeff?

Jeff:
Yeah?

Patrick:
They spread.

Jeff:
What?

Patrick:
Pants. They spread, and grow.

Steve:
Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.

Patrick:
You start off with that sexy little thong...

Steve:
And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline.

Jeff:
[scared] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia.

Steve:
Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover Switzerland, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking, [high-pitched] "Where are you going?" Every time! "Where are you going?" She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is covered in shoes. [gets up and picks up a shoe] Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting [screeching] "WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

[Jeff and Patrick stare at him]

Steve:
Uh... S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there.

Jeff:
What's wrong?

Steve:
Susan's slept with Australia!