CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, Season 6

Brass:
Let me tell you my story. Once upon a time, you follow your husband to a trailer park. You see him slumming with his little trailer bunny. You waited for him to come out...

[Flashback to, trailer door opens, Robert Durgee steps out. Amber sits in her car watching him. He lights his cigarette, suddenly car lights glare at him and tires screech as the car surges toward him]

Brass:
When she pulls the body back in, before she can call for help, you torch the place. Kaboom. The end.

Amber Durgee:
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.

Brass [laughs]:
Wouldn't even make my top ten.

Sofia:
Your broadcast was for a blue Pontiac. Patrol figured this was worth a look.

Grissom:
How bad does a smell have to get before Parking Control calls Homicide?

Sara:
No way this car was at the trailer park. Think we've got a new case. First citation was issued five days ago. Car's probably been here at least six. [Sofia pops the trunk. Inside are the liquefied remains of two bodies] Six days in the summer heat.

Grissom:
And a trunk becomes a crockpot.

Nick:
Are you baggin' Z's right now, man?

Hodges:
I was just having the greatest dream.

Warrick:
You were out.

Hodges:
It was the 80's and I had this Don Johnson beard, you know, the Miami Vice stubble. It just gave me this air of danger. My lady loved it.

[Nick and Warrick are walking up behind Greg who is in the DNA lab]

Nick:
I thought Greg was in the field, is he back in the lab?

Warrick:
I don't know.

Nick:
We gotta clear this up, it's like he's confused. Lab, field, field, lab. We have a lab on wheels.

Greg:
Would you guys just shut up? I'm doing this as a favor for Ecklie, it's a one time thing, he's still interviewing lab techs.

Warrick:
Are you making overtime?

Greg:
I'm taking one for the team.

David:
It's like the Red Sea in here.

Grissom:
The Red Sea's not red, David.

David:
No, it's blue from afar and transparent when held in hand, like any other body of water. I was just speaking figuratively.

Dr. Robbins:
Husband claims she's a biter, fine line between pleasure and pain, but who doesn't like to cross it every once in a while right? [Grissom looks shocked at him]

Catherine:
When exactly was the last time that you had sexual intercourse with your late wife?

Ray Lester:
Four years ago, Rosie Palm and Thumbelina are the only action that I get.

Grissom:
The Orionid meteor shower. You never get a view like this in town.

Brass:
Hmm. So, uh, is this part of the investigation?

Grissom:
No. But we're here, and it's beautiful.

Catherine:
It's a big desert.

Grissom:
About twenty-five thousand square miles

Catherine:
Nearest town is Pahrump. That's about thirty miles from here

Grissom:
But I got water, we can share.

Catherine:
Who are you today, Moses?

Catherine:
[on phone] Yeah, Jim. Uh, Grissom and I are gonna take a little walk.

Greg:
How are we doing on the other IDs?

Sara:
Including the ones that you just made, we got one.

Sara:
Any good news, Mandy?

Mandy:
A little bit. Male DB at the bunker matched your partial from the kitchen door, so far he's the only one with a record. Matthew Dickens, 19, bust for petty theft.

Sara:
College student

Mandy:
Yeah, very impressionable. When I start my religion, that's where I'm gonna recruit.

[Sara gives her a weird look]

Sara:
Everything in our experience tells us they're dead, all four of them.

Nick:
Doesn't mean we just give up.

Sara:
No one's giving up. It's just that... you're acting like you're gonna rescue a person, not recover a body and on this job that's not usually the case.

Nick:
I was rescued.

Sara:
It was not your day to die. When it's your day, it's your day, you know?

Nick:
I don't think it was Cassie's day.

Sara:
Can I talk to you for a minute?

Nick:
Sure, what's up?

Sara:
I-I think I need to talk about what happened at the station.

Nick:
Oh, yeah.

Sara:
I'm slightly concerned about its effect on the case, but more than that, I'm concerned about the case's effect on you, Nick, and I'm absolutely sure that, six months ago, you wouldn't have lost it like that.

Nick:
I know, I'm sorry. I apologize for that.

Catherine:
So I understand that you're going up against Mark Thayer? The guy's an ass.

Grissom:
Used to be a competent scientist. We actually co-authored a paper together ten years ago. I believe greed has gotten in his way.

Catherine:
Well, I've seen him on the stand, he manipulates evidence.

Grissom:
He manipulates people. The public assumes that scientists are ethical, but many of us are no better than politicians, evidently.

Grissom:
It's always good to know what you don't know.

A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair:
Excuse me Dr. Thayer.

Dr. Thayer:
What the hell do you want?

A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair:
Well, to inform you that you have the right to remain silent. DA is filing charges for purgory and obstruction of justice, we won't be accepting a plea.

Dr. Thayer:
This is all your fault.

Grissom:
I hope so.

Greg:
And what do I get to do? Go back to the lab and wait for a phone call?

Grissom:
This is a running gun battle that started twenty blocks back, you get that.

Greg:
That's got to be like, a mile, who's with me?

Sara:
A bunch of pissed off locals with shot-up cars.

[After they got done putting red rods into a police car, indicating where the bullets hit it]

Nick:
Looks like a porcupine.

Sara:
There's not enough room between rods for a human being to fit.

Nick:
Bell and Adams must've been really swervin' and weavin'.

Sara:
78 bullet holes. And Bell wasn't hit until he got out of the car.

Nick:
And I heard Bell was a rookie, barely off training. It was just his time I guess, huh?

Catherine:
Wow, you had the baby and got your figure back in one day.

Detective Ortega:
No, that's impossible, believe me I know, my wife's had five kids.

Sara:
Do you ever want to be a cop?

Warrick:
Every time I get a speeding ticket, yeah.

[At a community meeting, in a church]

Grissom:
Hello. My name is Doctor Gil Grissom. I'm the night shift supervisor for the Las Vegas Police Department's crime lab. I'm not a police officer, I'm a scientist.

Shooter's Brother:
You work for the cops, that makes you a cop. You're not on our side.

Grissom:
Actually, I'm a forensics expert. My job is to identify, collect, and examine physical evidence from a crime scene to determine who did what to whom and how did they do it. I've been asked to come here today by the Mayor and Sheriff Berdic to present our analysis of the evidence in this case to your community.

Shooter's Mom:
Why here? Why should we believe your evidence?

Grissom:
Physical evidence cannot be wrong; it doesn't lie. It's not influenced by emotion or prejudice, it's not confused by the excitement of the moment. I'm here [looks up] in God's house to explain to you the truth about exactly what happened the other day.

Sara:
Edith car in a Lexus neighborhood.

Sofia:
We ran the plates, our girl doesn't live here, we're tracking her down.

Nick:
Bitch on wheels, can't wait to meet her.

Catherine:
How many hot dogs did he eat?

Hodges:
Approximately twenty.

Catherine:
God. Ugh, do you think we might be able to ID the makers of the hot dog from the ingredients?

Hodges:
No, believe it or not most hot dog companies are very proprietary over their recipes.

Catherine:
Well how about through the girdle marks?

Hodges:
Oh yeah sure, I'll just run it through the Hot Dog Appliance database.

Hodges:
All the hairs lifted off the victim's clothes were consistent with each other. There's a sample under the scope. The root is shaped like a spade which is indicative of canine and the scale pattern is consistent with a golden retriever.

Sara:
Oh, yeah the victims have a golden retriever.

Hodges:
Well if you cracked that mystery at the scene, you would have saved me a lot of time. [sighs] I've been working like a dog.

Nick:
You know studies have found that pet owners have lower stress levels, you should, you should check that out.

Hodges:
Well, I had hamsters when I was growing up. My mother hated them she said they stank out my room. But I just loved to watch them spinning on their little wheels. One day I came home and they were gone. Somehow they'd gotten out of their cage.

Sara:
How much did your mother hate them?

Hodges:
They ran away.

Warrick:
What's a 4-5-0?

Karen:
That would be sex with a dead body.

Robbins:
You know, Gil, we're all intrigued by our nightmares when we watch freak shows, but basically we're all thinking the same thing.

Grissom:
Yeah, I'm glad they're not looking at me.

Warrick:
Who brings a gun to a knife fight?

Grissom:
The winner?

Nick:
Hey, Grissom. You wanna talk to me?

Grissom:
Yeah. Sit down. (pause) I heard that, uh, Kelly Gordon may be a suspect in your murder case.

Nick:
Yeah.

Grissom:
Is that a problem?

Nick:
No. No, it's not a problem. Hey, by the way I heard the tape. I did a voice comparison. Sylvia Mullins is the other voice on that tape. She's Walter Gordon's ex-business manager so I'm pretty sure she had something to do with my kidnapping.

Grissom:
But now she's dead.

Nick:
Yeah.

Grissom:
So... it's over.

Nick:
Yeah.

Grissom:
Good.

Nick:
Good.

Li'l' Cherry:
It wasn't just Lois' birthday tonight, it was also my bodyguard's birthday and I, uh, scraped my knees giving him his present.

Li'l' Cherry:
What do I have to do to make you believe me?

Brass:
I already had my birthday.

Archie:
According to the Airline Global Distribution system, she boarded the flight and he didn't.

Nick:
He was busy being dead.

Sara:
Sure, especially if Lois was an accomplice, or dare I say, a killer.

Greg:
Well, I don't see homicide anywhere on her schedule.

Catherine:
The canary diamond.

Sara:
Wanna bet the birdie sings in the key of GSR?

[Hodges is coloring in his grey hair with a marker pen]:

Grissom:
Vanity, thy name is Hodges.

Hodges:
This isn't what it looks like. I actually like my grey hair, the few that I have.

Sara:
Hodges, don't you know that grey hair can be very attractive. [Grissom and Hodges look at her suggestively] The, uh, ring?

Brass:
We've been pulling bodies out of this neighborhood twice a month it seems like.

Grissom:
I think that's actually an improvement.

Trent Hall:
(To Brass) We didn't talk that much, but, but we would text all the time. That's like when you use your cellphone to send like you know, like, like words.

Greg:
Every time I come to the desert I see porno mags. Who brings spankables out here?

Nick:
It's probably just trash... blown in from off the street.

Greg:
Nobody throws away porn. They're like heirlooms that you pass on down your family tree.

Wendy:
I have a question. How do you have sex with the person who killed your daughter?

Grissom:
Revenge is an act of passion.

Sara:
: What were you doing on the roof?

Jonathan Wax:
: That's what I do -- Chad's Chimney Sweeps, I clean fireplaces and chimneys. I was out at that Sidley place about a month ago. You can call Chad. I remember that place. Man, that guy had one big-ass chimney.

Sara:
: I don't suppose you saw a body while you were there?

Jonathan Wax:
: Look, I may be an ex-con, but even I would've dialed 9-1-1.

Cameraman:
: Do you think forensic shows are just teaching the criminals how to get away with crimes?

Grissom:
: Everyone learns from science. It all depends on how you use the knowledge.

Hannah West:
Marlon didn't kill Stacy. I did. [People in the crowd gasp]

Judge:
Lades and gentlemen, order in the court.

Hannah West:
[Stands up and opens her sweater to reveal a dirty and bloody shirt] And I was wearing this when I did it.

Ecklie:
[to Nick] Good news is Judge Crawford denied the defense's motion to dismiss.

Nick:
Of course he did. She's just a mixed-up kid trying to protect her older brother. All the evidence points to Marlon.

Ecklie:
Yeah, and all the jury's going to remember is a little girl in a bloody shirt confessing to murder. That's reasonable doubt on a silver platter.

Sara:
Do you have any physical evidence that would conclusively rule Hannah out as a suspect?

Nick:
Well... yeah. She's 4"3 and 65 pounds. The crime just required more strength than she's got.

Catherine:
How old is she?

Nick:
12.

Warrick:
In high school?

Nick:
She's a high school senior. She skipped 6 grades. She's a prodigy.

Sara:
Which means that she has the brains for murder.

Hodges:
Does that make Doogie Howserette our killer?

Nick:
Nah, I kinda doubt it.

Hodges:
Don't be so sure. It's not easy.

Nick:
What isn't easy, Hodges?

Hodges:
Being profoundly gifted. Knowing that everybody knows that you're always 10 steps ahead of them. It's a lot of pressure. [Nick gives him a look, and starts walking away] Some days you just feel like you're going to snap.

Nick:
I know the feeling.

Hannah West:
You don't think I could have done it. Either one of you.

Sara:
That's a big job... for a little girl.

Hannah West:
Not if you have the right tools.

Sara:
Smart kid like you, knows your brother is suffering, you feel bad, you wanna help... so you fabricate some evidence.

Hannah West:
Uh, if you thought the evidence was fake I wouldn't still be in jail.

Warrick [to Catherine]:
You rang?

Catherine:
I got the DNA results from the blood on Hannah's sweater.

Warrick:
Stacy?

Catherine:
Hannah.

Warrick:
So, she fabricated evidence and put her own blood on the shirt.

Catherine:
Maybe, maybe not. I mean, the soil on the shirt was consistent with the dump site. Hannah could have been at the scene. She could have cut herself burying the body.

Warrick:
Or she could have gone back to the field any time in the last four months and rubbed her shirt in the same kind of dirt.

Catherine:
And counted on us to make the match? [Warrick shrugs] Well, that's just plain scary smart. I mean, my daughter is a few years older than her and the most important thing on her mind right now is how much belly-button to show off at the mall...I never thought I'd be grateful for that.

Sara:
Shared bathroom... very Brady.

Sara:
[reading what's on Hannah's dress] Rainbow party?

Nick:
Yeah, it's a party game where the boys get the girls to wear different colored lipsticks while they have oral sex. The boy with the most colors wins. It's supposed to be trendy.

Sara:
So much for "spin the bottle."

Mandy:
12-year-old killer, huh?

Nick:
Starting to look that way, yeah.

Mandy:
I bet that Grand Theft Auto had something to do with it.

Nick:
Mmm, I don't know, I don't think Hannah is really the video game type.

Mandy:
You never know. Between you and me, I actually think it's a ton of fun.

Hodges:
Ah, teen lust. It starts with some chemistry, mess around with some biology. [Nick and Sara give each other look] And once you have some experience under your belt then you introduce the physics. Apparently chivalry is not dead. The bloody fingerprint tested positive for nonoxynol spermicide.

Nick:
So much for the boyfriend.

Sara:
If we can't pin this on Hannah or Marlon they could both walk.

Hodges:
You could flip a coin.

Sara [to Nick]:
I bet you really liked high school.

Nick:
Yeah, playin' football, chasin' girls, books when I wanted to learn somethin', what's not to like?

Warrick:
Hey, guys.

Nick:
Hey.

Warrick:
This is Darcy, my wife Tina's niece.

Sara:
Hey, Darcy. [Darcy kinda waves]

Nick:
Yeah, you were right she's about Hannah's size.

Warrick:
More or less.

Darcy:
Stop talkin' about me. [Warrick pulls an earbud out of her ear] Hey, that was the best part!

Warrick:
That's what the pause button is for. It's time to work, it's child labor day.

Sara:
Stacy landed here and bled out from the trauma to her skull.

Nick:
Darcy, why don't you put those headphones back on?

Darcy:
Like I didn't hear what you just said.

(Warrick smirks)

Nick:
[to Marlon] You moved the body, you buried it.

Marlon West:
I know I did; I was there. What's the problem?

Nick:
Well, the problem is what happened in the locker room. I mean, you're not the kind of guy who puts sodium in a showerhead to get back at somebody. You just trip them in the hallway.

Marlon:
So you think I'm too stupid to have done it. Great, join the club.

Nick:
I don't think you're stupid, Marlon; I didn't say you were stupid. But this is Hannah's game. The whole way.

Nick:
The evidence says either one of them could have done it, but I think they were in it together.

A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair:
Okay, I'll proceed against Marlon for the murder and bring charges against Hannah for conspiracy.

Ecklie:
Another trial? You sure you want to go through all this again?

A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair:
Hannah's parents and the community will have my ass if I don't.

Sara:
Well, then maybe this is good news. I was just going over Sofia's notes from the original investigation. The night of the murder, Hannah and Marlon's parents had left them alone in the house. A pizza was delivered to the residence around 9:00 PM.

Nick:
That's right around Stacy's TOD.

A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair:
So, did anybody talk to the delivery guy?

Sara:
Yes, and at the point that Sofia did, a month had passed. Now, the delivery guy's at the house all the time. He recognized photos of both kids, but he could not be sure which one answered the door that night.

Nick:
But one of them did answer the door. [Sara nods] So that means they were not together at the time Stacy was killed.

Ecklie:
Yeah. So much for conspiracy. We're right back where we started.

A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair:
Where we are is in the crapper. Look, I have to disclose the cart. Defense is going to eat me alive.

Nick:
Marlon's your guy. He's your guy, just because Hannah wasn't there doesn't mean she didn't help plan this.

A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair:
Well, I sure hope it's Marlon, because he's the one we have on trial.

Nick:
I stand by the case we filed.

Ecklie:
I agree. The girl's just trying to protect him.

A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair:
Sara?

Sara:
This was more about brains than brawn. I think Hannah did it.

Ecklie:
2 out of 3.

A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair:
In my world, that's called an acquittal.

Sara [to Hannah West]:
Hey there.

Hannah West:
Did you come to say bye?

Sara:
No, actually you and I are going to be seeing a lot of each other. If you thought the DA wouldn't prosecute a 12-year-old for murder, you were wrong. He wants justice for Stacy and her family.

Hannah West:
Of course, he's a total linear thinker. Most of you guys are.

Mrs. West:
Shame on you Miss Sidle. Come on, Hannah, you don't need to listen to this.

Hannah West:
Mom...just give us a second. [her mom walks away] You were saying?

Sara:
Here. [she goes and sits on the bench and Hannah stands in front of her] Hannah, with your gifts you could have done anything you could have wanted and you picked murder, you can't take that back.

Hannah West:
You're worried how I'm gonna turn out?

Sara:
Of course I am. I know it seems like a really long time but...in 5 years, the Stacy's of the world would have been behind you.

Hannah West:
Let me guess? You were a smart kid in school, maybe you feel that we're a little bit alike?

Sara:
There aren't many people like you.

Hannah West:
That's what my parents always say too. The last four months all they cared about was the effect of the trial on me not Marlon. It's been that way ever since I was 14 months old and started spelling words with plastic letters. It's so unfair and nobody ever sees it. He doesn't deserve to go to jail. If I get convicted, what's the worst case scenario? I mean, I'll be out in five years with an undergraduate degree. There's no Son of Sam law in Nevada. That was ruled unconstitutional, so I'm free to write a book about all of this. [Sara is staring opened mouthed at her, shaking her head] The story will be worth millions. Freaks are always good box office.

Sara (still shocked):
You're not a freak.

Hannah West:
When was the last time you had to sit down to be eye level with a murder suspect who was standing up?

Sara:
Hannah West you are smart.

Hannah West:
So I've been told.

Sara:
But you are not smart enough to get away with murder.

Hannah West:
I think I am. A lot of people are smart enough to get away with murder. You probably are too, but you have to be really smart to get people to think that something happened that never did.

Sara (deadpanned):
What do you mean... exactly?

Hannah West:
Please don't worry about me, I'm gonna be fine. [Sara is staring at her completely shocked and leans in close to her ear and whispers] I didn't kill Stacy, Marlon did. ]walks away, leaving Sara looking completely shocked]

Al Robbins:
It could be a hallucinogen, in some native cultures shamans use peyote to call forth visions.

Grissom:
Al, when someone sells love potions and magic spells, the only visions they see are dollar signs.

Greg:
Hey.

Warrick:
Greg, what are you doing here?

Greg:
Oh, Grissom said you're backing me up, can't back me up if I'm not here.

Warrick:
The next time you screw me up with Grissom, I'm going to back you up right off a cliff.

Catherine:
Hey Gil, uh, if you're swamped I can always cancel my vacation plans.

Grissom:
We got it covered.

Catherine:
Good, because I wasn't really that serious.

Grissom:
: I need to talk to you.

Greg:
: You heard about the strip club?

Grissom:
: I hear about everything, Greg.

Greg:
: That ear surgery paid off.

[A gangbanger is threatening Stokes and Brown]

Gangbanger:
Yo think you're cops, y'all ain't cops!

[Stokes jumps out of the truck and levels his gun at him]

Stokes:
That's right, we're not cops we're mad scientists, back away from the vehicle, let me see your hands now.

Troy:
Cheap, fast and open 24/7

Brass:
Just like my ex-wife.

Dollar:
: I got more enemies than some countries got people.

Brass:
: Give us some names.

Dollar:
: It's gonna be a long list.

Brass (sees Undersheriff McKeen coming):
Incoming.

Grissom (to Nick, Sara and Greg):
I'll talk, you guys just look apologetic.

Undersheriff McKeen:
Let me see if I understand this correctly. You let one of the members of your team drive his personal vehicle to a crime scene investigation, and even though there was a perfectly good crime scene vehicle there that personal car was crammed with every bit of evidence collected at a major murder investigation because two of you were maxed out on overtime. (Sara smirks and looks towards Greg who looks at the ground) And then the driver of said car, instead of securing that evidence in the lab, gave priority to his need for runny eggs, and the aforementioned vehicle was stolen from the parking lot filled with police cars. (Brass raises his eyebrows) Is there anything I missed?

Grissom:
Just this: Even if we recover the vehicle the chain of custody has been broken. (shows Undersheriff McKeen opening a roll of Rolaids) so all the evidence has been compromised. No judge will allow any of it to be admitted into court. Oh, and also, we released the crime scene, so it too has been compromised, leaving us nothing to go back for.

Undersheriff McKeen:
Thank you...for clearing up the situation. (leaves)

Brass:
It could have been worse. (shows Undersheriff McKeen leaving in his car, knocking down all the construction cones and speeding off)

Undersheriff McKeen (talking to Brass about the case):
It's gonna look like the CSI's were paid off, no one's gonna believe it was an unfortunate series of coincidences. So my choices are we're idiots or we're dirty. So which are we?

Nick (going through his flashback; walking under the arch):
"You'd think she'd know better than to wear white on the bride's big day." The perfume of American Beauties was everywhere, though a rose by any other name would have smelled just as sweet with that much love in the air.

Catherine:
: Anyone interested in the wedding DVD?

Greg, Nick & Sara:
: Yeah.

Catherine:
: Courtsey of Frank Rosetti. Owner of Cupid's Kiss. [(puts the DVD in)] All right, where do you wanna start?

Greg, Nick & Sara:
: The toast.

[Catherine puts on the toast, and they watch]

Dianne Chase [On DVD]:
Everyone, everyone, I wanna thank you for coming. You know, the Bible says love is strong as death and as mother of the groom a wedding is bitter sweet. You are giving up as much as you are gaining. In some cases you are giving up much more. [loses her speech as she starts to get tipsy] To hell with it, I'll wing it. My Adam. He studied at Oxford, he went to Harvard school of business and of all the intelligent, wonderful, beautiful women he met along the way he ended up with Jill, plain little Jill. There's nothing wrong with her, but what's right with her, haha, even her name is boring. [turns to Adam] It's all right to take a lover, you just don't have to end up marrying her.. I mean, do you really wanna shallow our gene pool like this? [Adam tries to get her to leave] I wanna thank you all so much for coming, oh I love you Adam. [Catherine pauses the DVD after the toast is done]

Catherine:
: Justifiable homicide?

Grissom [going through his flashback]:
"You'd think she'd know better than to wear white on the bride's big day." (reciting poetry as he's walking under the arch) Spring is but a song, where love and laughter are not wrong. The blossoms of desire do belong, and harmonia axyridis fly along.

Jill (about her mother-in-law):
For the past six months she made my life hell and so I told anyone that would listen that she should die a fiery death so now everyone is gonna think that I killed her.

Grissom:
Would you like to be more specific?

Jill:
Okay, well when we got engaged, um...she ran into the backyard and she screamed "Why God, why me?" Okay. She wore white today. She... She invited Adam's very, very, attractive, very um...single ex-girlfriend. When she found out that I had registered for sporting goods she went behind my back and changed the registry to housewears. Saying that I better learn how to cook. Okay, I'm a vegetarian and she demanded roast beef. Um...and then, then there's the toast. The toast.

Grissom:
Are you trying to make me think that you didn't kill her?

Jill:
I would never do that to Adam. I honestly don't know how such an amazing man came from...from...that.

Frank Rosetti:
I'm a 42-year-old paisan, she scared me. I wouldn't be surprised if her pantyhose rebelled against her and tied themselves to the car.

Grissom:
That's a tight schedule. She would have barely had time to go to the bathroom.

Frank Rosetti:
I don't sell bridal diapers for nothin'.

Greg:
He was kiddin' about the diapers, right?

Catherine:
So, you took the perimeter of the scene, right?

Nick:
Yeah.

Catherine:
Well, I saw this guy in the shadows, Archie blew it up, looks more like a suspect than a guest. (shows Nick the pictures) That face look familiar?

Nick:
Yeah, yeah, I caught that guy sleepin' one off in the bushes. It's the groom's old man.

Catherine:
Wow, I thought my wedding was bad.

Brass:
So you didn't kill her?

Ernest:
Nope, but you better check to see she's really dead, because I don't think you can kill the Devil.

Hodges:
You know, you and me, we're not the marrying kind. The intricacies of our nature can never be understood by just one woman.

Grissom:
Would you close the door please? [Hodges goes over and closes the door.] From the other side.

Nick (walking in):
What's up?

Sara (holding up the bride's lingerie):
I need your hands.

Nick:
I thought you'd never ask.

Sara (smirks):
I need you to um...reprint the bumper because the tape lifts were stolen.

(After Wendy tells them the DNA results)

Greg:
We could compare them to the bucal swabs that we collected...if we still had them.

Sara:
Well we'll just have to recollect them.

Greg:
All 200 of them?

Sara:
Yeah. And since we can't leave...someone else is...gonna have to recollect them.

Nick:
This is crap. I've been waiting on IAB for 14 hours. I'm tired. And I kinda smell. And I don't have a friggen car.

(Nick's car arrives in the garage with half naked women painted on it)

Brass [to Nick]:
Hey, pimp. How do you like your new ride?

Catherine:
Hey look, they fixed it.

Nick (whining):
Ooh, ooh, that's not funny.

Catherine:
Oh, it's a little funny.

Mikey:
Where's that Sara chick?

Catherine:
Oh Romeo, I don't think that you have time for romance. You're being charged with grand theft auto, obstruction of justice and conspiracy to murder...

Mikey:
Okay. I will cop to everything but the murder.

Catherine:
Well, if you didn't commit the murder, why did you steal the car?

Mikey:
Look, the lady was already dead, all right? And then you guys show up... and this bridesmaid comes up to me and starts askin' me all these questions about my tow truck.

Catherine:
Which bridesmaid?

Mikey:
The hot one. The next thing I know she wants to be the Bonnie to my Clyde. Asked me to steal this car and trash all the evidence.

Catherine:
So you committed grand theft auto to get laid?

Mikey:
Have you ever stolen a two-ton piece of machinery? It is way better than sex. And finding a girl that doesn't wanna kick you to the curb for it? I mean c'mon, that is hot! Besides, I haven't gotten a wedding gift for my sister yet.

Grissom:
Did you know the original role of the bridesmaid was to act as a human shield against the bride's enemies?

Sara:
Women would dress similar to the bride in an effort to confuse and outsmart evil spirits that might try to overtake her on her wedding day.

Nick:
Wow, for somebody who's anti-wedding you sure know a lot about it.

Sara:
I'm not anti-wedding, I'm just anti-stupid. You know, people who do things for the sake of tradition with no clue as to why...

Grissom (gives her a look):
Anyway...

Al Robbins:
Well tox detected methamphetamine, sildenafil and oxycodone.

Catherine:
Stimulant, erection, and a painkiller, party in a pill.

Al Robbins:
Where was that on my wedding night? [Catherine looks shocked.]

Hodges:
In 1897, Williams Spinks received a patent for what came to be known as Spinks' billiard chalk. You may be surprised to know that cue tip chalk need not contain chalk at all, but is a mixture of axel light and silica. The abrasives give grip to the tip when it hits the ball.

Catherine:
Stop trying to make that sound dirty. Our vic had a callous on his hand.

Hodges:
Mmmmm.

Catherine:
Don't.

Sara:
: Please tell me there are something more to this guys and cars thing, besides the obvious penis extension metaphors.

Greg:
: So you want me to lie?

Catherine:
Caprice Unlimited: Anything is Possible. Sounds like a sex business. [picks up phone to call the company]

Sara:
What are you going to say?

Catherine:
Uh, something other than a guy is dead, and it looks like you're involved.

Doc Robbins:
: Gil... have you ever been even close to getting married?

Grissom:
: Once... when I was younger. Her name was Nicole Daley. I asked her to marry me. We were classmates. She liked bugs too. I gave her my grandmother's ring, but my mother made me get it back. [Doc Robbins nods] Second grade.

Grissom:
I think I found a toupee, our vic may be bald.

Nick:
Thanks that will help me distinguish it from the other severed heads I find out here.

Nick:
Are you checking out my waist?

Hodges:
I'm a, I'm a 32 incher myself... same as in college.

Nick:
Oh, congratulations.

Hodges:
You know, women aren't the only ones who feel the pressure to look good. Time was, having a rotund belly was a sign of prosperity and success... now, it just means you're a lazy glutton not getting any.

Greg:
Just between you and me, does he always wear a suit [talking about Brass]? Like, when you guys go to dinner, the movies...or whatever it is you do when you hang out? 'Cuz I gotta tell you, the thought of him in a sweater really freaks me out.

Grissom:
[smiles] We don't hang out, Greg.

Greg:
No kidding? [shrugs shoulders] I just assumed.

Sindee:
Look, I'm the victim here.

Catherine:
Funny, you don't look dead.

Grissom:
I don't know, most people want to die in their sleep, I suppose, never know that it's happening. Like a crime scene: surprise, you're dead. I'd prefer to know in advance that I was gonna die, like to be diagnosed with cancer, actually have some time to prepare; go back to the rain-forest one more time; re-read Moby Dick; possibly enter an international chess tournament; at least, have enough time to say goodbye to the people I love.

Sara:
I'm not ready to say goodbye.