Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 7

Larry:
I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Larry:
You can't make an empty gesture to a Funkhouser. They take you up on it!

Larry:
Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.

Larry:
I'm going to dinner with Jeff and Susie and Richard Lewis and his new girlfriend, if you want to come along.

Loretta:
Any black people gonna be there?

Larry:
No.

Loretta:
Then why would I want to go?

Larry:
...Might be some people with cancer?

Larry:
You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.

Larry:
We're fighting because you're a moron. That's why we're fighting.

Larry:
Remember I was sitting here yesterday?

Waiter:
Yeah.

Larry:
Do you mind telling me how much tip the guy I was with left you?

Waiter:
Oh..we don't do that.

Larry:
You don't do what?

Waiter:
We don't share that information with the customers.

Larry:
Honestly, who gives a crap? I was in here, I was with a guy, I'm just curious. What did he leave?

Waiter:
It was a healthy, healthy tip.

Larry:
Was mine a healthy tip?

Waiter:
Yeah.

Larry:
Was his healthier?

Waiter:
I...

Larry:
Let me ask you this question. Was it over twelve dollars?

Waiter:
Do..do you want me to refill your water or..

Larry:
Just scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars.

Waiter:
I can really get in trouble if I talk to you about that.

Larry:
Nobody even knows what we're talking about. Scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars. Go ahead, just scratch it. Was it over twelve dollars?

[waiter scratches his face]

Larry:
Oh, for God's sake. What an asshole! Let me ask you a question. Was it over fifteen dollars? Just tug on your tie up here. Was it over fifteen?

Waiter:
This is making me really uncomfortable.

Larry:
Nobody's even knows what we're talking about! Was it over fifteen dollars? Tug on your tie.

[waiter tugs on his tie]

Larry:
Oh, my f***ing..f***!

Larry:
I'm not kidding, the food was awful. Terrible. Honestly, I can't believe you recommended that.

Dr. Morrison:
Well, I liked the ossobuco.

Larry:
Didn't taste like ossobuco to me. It was bad ossobuco.

Larry:
[in reference to the Fowler's adopted child from China] Let me ask you this question, have you noticed if she has any proclivity for chopsticks?

Jamie:
Why?

John:
Why would she have a proclivity for chopsticks, Larry?

Larry:
Well, she's Chinese.

John:
Do you think she's also a Kung Fu master?

Larry:
No, all I'm wondering is this, if you took an American kid who's never used chopsticks before and a Chinese kid who's never used chopsticks before, would the Chinese kid do better?

John:
So the American kid is the control group?

Jamie:
Okay, you know what, she uses a fork.

Larry:
Do me a favor.

Jamie:
What?

Larry:
First time she uses chopsticks, gimme a call me and just let me know. Gimme a call and just say "Hey, you know what? You wouldn't believe it.."

[Ted Danson orders Larry and Denise a slice of pie at a restaurant]

Ted:
You're gonna love this. It is the best piece of pie you've ever had.

Larry:
Honestly, you know, I'm not eating dessert anymore.

Ted:
Just have one bite. Come on.

Larry:
I'm not in the mood, Ted. I don't want it. Thank you, it's a nice gesture but I'm not in the mood.

Ted:
You're making me look like an asshole.

Larry:
I had the option of ordering dessert and I didn't want the dessert at the time so I don't want the dessert.

Ted:
Just have one little bite for my sake, please.

Larry:
I don't care. I don't want it for your sake.

Ted:
Be a friend, be a f***ing friend, will you!

Larry:
I'm being a friend but I don't have to take a bite just because you want me to! Okay?

Ted:
Have a bite of the pie!

Waiter:
[starts to take the pie away] You know, I'm just gonna get this out of the way for you..

Larry:
I don't want the pie! Thank you.

Ted:
No, no. Put the pie down. Put the pie down.

Larry:
No, don't. Here, take it. Thank you.

Ted:
Don't pick up that pie. Put the pie down.

Larry:
I'm not taking a bite, I don't want a bite! Take this f***ing piece of pie and get it out of my face!

Ted:
Put that f***ing pie down!

Larry:
Don't put that pie down! Do not put that pie down!

Susan:
Jeff, let's take a walk.

Jeff:
Eh, I'm comfortable.

Susan:
Come on, it's gorgeous! Perfect walking weather. It's good for you.

Jeff:
Nah, I don't want to. I'm not in the mood.

Susan:
Please?

Jeff:
No, I'm fine.

Susan:
Get up off your fat ass and let's take a walk! It'll be romantic!

Leon:
Denise called.

Larry:
What'd she say?

Leon:
Give her a call.

Larry:
She leave her number?

Leon:
Nah.

Larry:
Damn it! I don't have her number or her address.

Leon:
Call information.

Larry:
I don't know her last name. She was in my BlackBerry under "Denise handicapped". That's how I remember these names. Don't you do that in your Blackberry? You put names down with jobs, some association, so you remember who they are? I got "Sean yoga", the yoga teacher, and "Teresa masseuse".

Leon:
I do the same thing. I got "Nancy big tits". I know Nancy got big ass tits. "Janelle sweet ass"..

Larry:
Fruit's good.

Jeff:
Yeah.

Larry:
Delicious, isn't it?

Marty:
How can you talk about the food? I wanna throw up. We should get out of here.

Andy:
Yes, let's get out of here.

Larry:
Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

Marty:
I want to get out of here now.

Larry:
Let me explain something to you, moron, okay? Swan killers leave. People who aren't swan killers stay, have a little lunch, enjoy themselves, socialize, get to know the members. There's nothing wrong. Get it?

Marty:
Guess what, I'm not a swan killer, okay?

Larry:
Hey, let me remind you of something, asshole. You're talking way too loud about swan killing in the dining room. Why is that so hard to understand?

Marty:
How many rules are you gonna break? You're not suppose to have your phone on, it's always ringing. You killed a swan!

Larry:
Keep your f***ing voice down!

Marty:
You killed a swan!

Larry:
[raises butter knife] Shut up! Shut up!

Andy:
Why did I order turkey? I should've just had the eggs and onions. I know they're good here.

Marty:
Will you do me a favor and shut up about your food.

Larry:
Yeah, he's right. All you're doing is complaining about your food. I told you to get the fruit. It's delicious.

Andy:
I had the fruit this morning. Why am I going to order it twice for?

Larry:
You could have fruit twice in one day.

Andy:
No you can't, you get the acid reflux and it'll rip a hole in your stomach.

Larry:
They have non-acidic fruit. You got papaya and mango and banana!

Larry:
I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.

Jerry:
You surprised me. I had no idea it would be that revolting.

Mocha Joe:
Did you get a chance to pick up those beans? I'm really low on coffee.

Larry:
You know, I went, and there was a lot of traffic, and I got stuck in traffic, and by the time I got there - I went all the way over there - the store was closed so I couldn't get them.

Mocha Joe:
So you didn't get the beans?

Larry:
No. I didn't get the beans.

Mocha Joe:
So you didn't do me the favor?

Larry:
I attempted to do you the favor. I tried to do you the favor. What are you talking about?

Mocha Joe:
No. An attempt is not a favor.

Larry:
What? It is a favor. It is a favor. That's as good as a favor. The effort was there.

Jerry:
What did you come back with, though?

Larry:
The store was closed.

Jerry:
Driving to a coffee place is not a favor.

Mocha Joe:
Where did I bring the jumper cable? Halfway to your office, or to your office?

Jerry:
Mocha Joe has nothing to show for your supposed favor.

Larry:
I know.

Jerry:
You have jumper cables. What does he got?

Mocha Joe:
Exactly.

Jerry:
He's got a guy who's got a story about traffic.

Mocha Joe:
Thank you, Jerry.

Jerry:
You're welcome, Mocha Joe.

Larry:
Come on! I did a lot for Mocha Joe.

Jerry:
Mocha Joe doesn't need people driving around for him. He needs coffee.

Larry:
Whatever happened to E for effort, Jerry? E for effort? You people think about that! E for effort!

Mocha Joe:
F for favor!

Jerry:
C for coffee!

Waverly:
So "Duberstein" - that's a Jewish name, right? - Yes, it is.

Leon:
I was adopted by some lovely Jews.

Waverly:
- And you were bar mitzvahed? - Oh, yeah yeah.

Leon:
Three times.

Leon:
The last time was a few months ago in Atlantic City.

Waverly:
But I thought you only got bar mitzvahed once. You know, when you're 13 years old?

Leon:
- No no no no, you misunderstood.

Waverly:
- What?

Leon:
It's once every 13 years, you know.

Leon:
You got to recharge the mitzvah, so you always keep your mitzvah kind of full, at capacity.

Leon:
"Capacitme" Mitzvah capacity!!