Dead Like Me, Season 2

Mason:
Nah, five deaths is not a disaster.

George:
How many deaths is a disaster?

Mason:
More than five. Five's bullshit.

George:
How many?

Mason:
16 to 20, disaster; 21 and up, catastrophe; 8 to 15 is a calamity.

Rube:
7 and under?

Mason:
That's a cryin' shame.

George:
Life sucks, and then you die! And then, it… still sucks!

Mason:
Are you going to finish those hashbrowns?

Roxy:
Probably not.

(he takes them from her plate and eats them. Roxie stabs him with her knife but he moves his hand just in time.)

Mason:
F***ing bloody hell.

Roxy:
I'm outta here.

Mason:
Did you see that? I mean just because I wanted some of her hashbrowns.

Rube:
I was there.

Mason:
I've never seen such violence over such small potatoes.

Rube:
Oh, that was almost clever.

Mason:
What was almost clever, Rube?

Rube:
The thing about the hashbrowns being small potatoes.

Mason:
I don't get it...because hashbrowns are small potatoes.

Rube:
Never mind.

[Reggie weighs two options in her hands.]

Reggie:
Unhappy in a cheesy apartment... unhappy in a big house...

[The big house wins.]

George:
Rube, can I borrow your truck?

Rube:
Are you a responsible driver?

George:
I am an excellent driver.

[Rube pulls his keys out…]

George:
I promise to take care of your piece-of-shit truck.

[… and quickly puts them away again.]

Rube:
Well, that's not the response I was looking for.

[Mason practices at being the world's most incompetent shell game actor.]

Rube:
You know why people play the shell game?

Mason:
Because they think they can beat the odds.

Rube:
Wrong. They think they can beat you. They think they're smarter than you. [pause] In this case, they're right.

Mason:
I'm smarter than you think.

Rube:
You smart enough to play stupid?

Mason:
I am so smart, I'm practically retarded.

Security Expert:
Ripoff. Report... Identify... Prove... Ostracize... Fire.

George:
[aside, to Delores] Rip-of?

Security Expert:
You got a problem there Millie?

George:
[aka Millie] You misspelled ripoff. You dropped an 'f'.

Security Expert:
Oh I see. We have ourselves a smart-ass.

George:
Don't you mean smart as?

[Rube sees George has a new car.]

Rube:
You steal it?

George:
Not exactly.

Rube:
Did you buy it?

George:
Not exactly.

Rube:
Well how'd you get it exactly?

George:
I think I was supposed to get it. That whole balance thing? [Rube stares at her.] I had a really bad day, Rube. [George looks out the window at the car. Quietly.] I think I was supposed to get it.

[Dolores tries to get George/Millie to sign up for the Happy Time annual retreat.]

Dolores:
We only retreat once a year. That's what makes it annual.

George:
Why retreat at all? Who's attacking us?

Rube:
When I was your age, I used to treat the crust like it was just there to hold the good stuff in. I used to leave the whole back end of it on the plate. As I got older, I learned to appreciate the crust.

George:
[voiceover] Once upon a time, there was a girl named George. Who couldn't quite forget… there was once upon a time.

George [after being asked what animal she thought best described her] I'm a cat. I mean not like a house cat, not like Murray, Delores. I'm a stray, who wanders the streets alone, kind of distant and mean. I'm not a cat you'd wanna pet or bring home to your kids... you just don't know where those claws are, ya know, and I'm a black cat and I have many, many lives... and now you know who I am.

Daisy:
You do that, you know. You withhold the love.

Rube:
How can I withhold that which I do not possess?

Theo:
Relax, son, they're just balls.

[Rube is dealing out Post-it note assignments.]

Rube:
Read 'em, and… reap.

[Everyone rushes out to their reaping appointments.]

Daisy:
Are you coming, Georgia?

George:
I'm already late for work. Twenty minutes isn't gonna kill me… again.

[Dolores drags George/Millie into her cubicle, where they sneak a peek over the rim of the cube wall.]

Dolores:
Check it out, Millie! Gollum at 2 o'clock.

[George looks to her left.]

Dolores:
That's 10 o'clock! No wonder you're always late.

Gollum:
May I ask you a question?

George:
That is a question. Would you like to ask me another one?

[A woman cuts in line at the post office]

Rube:
: Afternoon, ladies. Are you two old friends?

Woman:
Eh, her daughter is in my son's class.

Rube:
: I have a question for you. Is everyone in this line an asshole?

Woman:
Excuse me?

Rube:
: Is everyone you just cut in front of an asshole?

Woman:
Uhm. No?

Rube:
: So it's just you then.

Woman:
I have children in the car.

Rube:
: I have a cake in the oven. He's got three minutes left on the meter. She's got a lunch meeting. We all have a finite amount of time. Now get in the back of the line. And don't use your children like that - it's shameful.

George:
Everyone says "live in the now," but that's bullshit. I mean, who lives in the moment? We're too busy thinking about what happens next... or what didn't happen at all.

[Crystal and George/Millie are chuckling over a digestively challenged applicant. Dolores is unamused.]

Dolores:
Irritable Bowel Syndrome is a serious affliction. Most people don't know this, but Marilyn Monroe had IBS.

George:
Is that what blew her skirt up?

[Dolores has just given George a new assignment to pick an applicant for a new pharmaceutical company account]

George/Millie:
Backup. Did you just say choose, me?

Dolores:
No I said, "You choose." You're in a new position now. You're like, the prettiest girl at prom, or the sluttiest girl if you went to Catholic school. You get to pick.

Dolores:
You know, when you're young like you are, Millie, it's easy. Man, woman, bottom, top… sex is this big buffet, and you're just a… fat man with a fork, but… as you get older, it's harder to get a fork.

[A newspaper clipping's succinct summary of George's death:
TERROR TOILET TOTALS TEEN.]

[Roxy gives Mason a hard time about ordering a drink during an airplane flight reap.]

Mason:
Roxy, I've never flown before. I'm a bit nervous, all right?

Roxy:
Well, congratulations, baby! Drink up. Buckle up. And don't f*** it up.

[Tending to a heart attack victim, Dolores discovers the office defibrillator has orange goo between the paddles.]

Dolores:
Who has been making grilled cheese sandwiches with the defibrillator paddles?

[Clancy has given Reggie a poem, a portion of Shakespeare's Twelfth Sonnet.]

Reggie:
He said for you to read it. He said the end's the best part.

Joy:
Since sweets and beauties do themselves forsake // And die as fast as they see others grow; // And nothing 'gainst Time's scythe can make defence // Save breed, to brave him when he takes thee hence.

Reggie:
What does it mean?

Joy:
It's Shakespeare. It means... it means you should have kids because then you're never alone.

Reggie:
Is Dad trying to get back together with you?

Joy:
No sweetie, no. He did it for you. It's about you.

(George walks into Der Waffle Haus where she meets Daisy and Mason)

George:
I'm a stalker.

Daisy:
I had a stalker once. Yeah, he was a sweet boy. He'd leave me wildflowers. Dead wildflowers. And little sparrows.

George:
Doesn't anyone wanna know why I'm a stalker?

Mason (To Daisy):
How'd you get rid of him?

Daisy:
I stabbed him with garden shears.

Mason:
Did you kill him?!

Daisy:
No, no. I stabbed him right here...

(Daisy hits Mason on the thigh.)

Mason:
Whew. I would have stalked you, Daisy, I would have stalked you.

Daisy:
What is it you're doing right now?

Mason:
Please, come on, I'm not stalking you. I'm persistent.

George:
Well, I'm stalking someone now. Who wants to guess why?

(Kiffany comes over and waits their table.)

Kiffany:
What would you like, sweety?

George:
Revenge.

Kiffany:
We're all out of that. Anything else look good?

George:
Oatmeal with raisins.

(Kiffany leaves.)

Daisy (To George):
Why are you stalking somebody?

(Roxy comes in and sits down.)

Roxy:
Why would you be stalking anyone at all?

Mason:
Oh, shit. It's Johnny Law.

George:
I'm not exactly stalking anyone. I'm-

Roxy:
- You're what?

George:
I'm just-

Roxy:
Spit it out.

(Mason snorts up a booger.)

George:
I'm having oatmeal.

Mason:
With raisins!

Roxy:
Well, I'm glad we got that settled.

Ray Summers:
[Approaching George, Mason, and Daisy in a bar] Hi, I'm Ray.

George:
F*** you, Ray.

Ray Summers:
[Turning, as if to leave] Nice spendin' time with you guys.

Daisy Adair:
Ray, this is Mason. Mason, Ray. And George--curious George.

Mason:
So Daisy, what's goin' on, I thought it was just the three of us.

Ray Summers:
Daisy?

Daisy Adair:
Daisy Adair.

George:
So what do you do, Ray?

Ray Summers:
I'm a television producer, George.

George:
So you're rich.

Ray Summers:
Comfortable.

George:
I suppose you're charming.

Ray Summers:
Tolerable.

George:
And women just fall the f*** all over you.

Ray Summers:
Not you, I suspect.

Daisy Adair:
Georgia, you're being impolite.

Ray Summers:
No, no, that's okay. Everybody likes me eventually.

Ray Summers:
You're an angry little thing, aren't you?

George:
You call me a "little thing" again, and I'll put this f***ing dart right between your twinkling eyes!

Ray Summers:
[Unfazed, grinning at George] Another tequila?

George:
[Suddenly calm] Please.

Ray Summers:
Okay George, five reasons why men are scum and women let us get away with it. 1. We all only want one thing. No exceptions. 2. We fall in love before we have that thing, and then fall back out once we've had it, whereas women conversly fall in love afterwards. 3. We will lie, cheat, steal or murder to get that one thing. Why am I sugarcoating this? You're a big girl. In order to f*** you. 4. We freely admit the numbers 1 through 3 and women don't care, and the number 5 reason why men are scum and women let us get away with it: You can't live without us.

George:
(Raising her shot glass to toast him) Here's to your bullshit, Ray. (Throws three more darts and gets a bullseye on the last one) F***ing men.

George:
[voiceover] They say coming clean is good for the soul, that it puts things in perspective. You can get a sense of your place in the order of things...a sense of who you really are and what's important. This is my perspective. I am a grim reaper. I take souls. I do not go to prom. I do not live happily ever after. This is who I am. Anyone got a problem with that?

Mason:
And now Mason will show little Georgie the finer art of stress relief through petty vandalism. Don't get me wrong. We will egg Trip's f***ing mansion, but first...[Holds out a pen]

[Reggie leaves her dog J.D. in Joy's care when her Goth friend "Raven" finds him too "preppy".]

Joy:
[to J.D.] Oh, don't you worry. She needs a friend who's human. Or something close.

[Flashback to elementary-school-age George reading A Tale of Two Cities instead of going to her friend's birthday party.]

Joy:
We bought her a present!

Young George:
What did you get her?

Joy:
We got her a flannel nightgown. With pretty little flowers on it!

Young George:
Mom. You're gonna get me killed.

Joy:
Georgia, don't be silly. We're going.

Young George:
Not.

Joy:
You are so!

Young George:
So not.

Joy:
Why do you have to be so obstinate?

Young George:
Obstinate. O-B-S-T-I-N-A-T-E. Stubborn.

Joy:
Georgia Lass, you cannot spend your entire life with your nose stuck in a book!

Young George:
Try me.

[At a spelling bee, emcee G. McFadden's soul finds itself sitting beside George and Mason.]

McFadden:
What just happened?

Mason:
Oh, I'm afraid you are D-E-D…

McFadden:
No, that's D-E-A-D.

Mason:
I was joking!

[At the restaurant, Mason and George return from the bee.]

Rube:
Hey! How'd it go?

Mason:
G-R-E-A-T.

George:
It was a spelling bee.

Rube:
[to Mason] Seriously, how'd it go?

Mason:
F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C.

Rube:
How do I get it to stop?

Mason:
Well, go on, Georgie, tell him.

George:
Well, as far as senseless, brutal deaths go, I say it went beautifully.

Mason:
Yeah! So maybe a little simple "thank you" is in order, instead of your constant irritation, Ruby. Maybe a little bit of G-R-A-T… uh… t… i-i-tude, tude.

[Rube hands out Post-its.]

Rube:
For you, and you.

Mason:
Where's Roxy?

Rube:
She has got a personal day.

Mason:
Well, why don't I have a personal day?

Rube:
Because you're an F-U-C-K-U-P.

Mason:
"F*** up" has two words.

George:
Actually, "f***-up" is a hyphenate.

[They all look at her.]

George:
Well, it is!

[Ray introduces himself to Rube at Der Waffle Haus and shakes his hand.]

Ray:
That's quite a death grip you got there, Rube.

[George tries to find a way to communicate to memory-challenged Nina that she has died.]

George:
Do you want to hear a story, Nina?

Nina:
Oh, I love stories.

George:
Well, once there was a girl named George. She was 18 years old. And she didn't have a husband William, she didn't have have a daughter named Beth, but she had a mom, a father, and a sister. And, one day, she went outside - it was a sunny day, a few clouds, but an ordinary day - and she went out to get some lunch, and this man… he stopped me. And he talked to me. And he knew my last name. I told him to leave me alone, but… then something from the sky fell. And I didn't feel anything. I couldn't remember anything… at first. But then I did. I realized… I died.

[George reaches over to Nina's memory Post-it pad.]

George:
I… died.

[She writes on the pad.]

George:
I'm dead.

[Mason buries Ray's corpse as Daisy watches him through the window crying.]

George:
[voiceover] There are things inside you that no one wants to face. Things that you keep secret, even from yourself. But secrets are funny. The things you try to hide always turn out to be the things you can't forget

George:
Did anyone here ever serve in the military?

Rube:
No, nobody here did.

Roxy:
I think Daisy serviced the army.

[George laughs.]

Mason:
I don't care for that kind of joke.

Roxy:
You are that kind of joke.

Mason:
You know, this morning, when you said you spent your last day on Earth, your very, very last day on Earth, stapling?

George:
Filing.

Mason:
My God, that's even worse. You said you regretted it, didn't you?

George:
Yeah of course. Who gives a shit?

Mason:
My God, I give a shit. Rube tells us to be on the periphery. To keep away from...things. To keep our distance from...life. Our family...

George:
Yeah?

Mason:
God, it is nonsense. You get close, Georgie, you get close to everybody that ever meant anything to you.

George:
Have you been drinking?

Mason:
Of course I've bloody been drinking. And it's last call. And you gotta...you gotta drink up while you still can.

Daisy:
[Rejecting Mason's ring] I won't fall in love, I won't get married, I won't grow old with someone, not with you or anyone.

Kiffany:
I know you didn't just steal that money from me.

Mason:
I was keepin' it safe for you. I wanted you to get- get it.

Kiffany:
You're out.

Mason:
Out?

Kiffany:
That's right. Out of my house.

Mason:
This is Der Waffle Haus.

Kiffany:
And you're der outer hier.

George:
[voiceover] We think we can't do something… [chanting] we think we can't, we think we can't, we think we can't… but we can.

George:
[voiceover] I guess there's always something out there to hide from, something out there you just can't face. Three Mississippi. Four Mississippi. So you'll hide for as long as you can, but that's not easy either, all that hiding... Five Mississippi. In the end, what you were so afraid of turns out not to be so scary after all. Six Mississippi, seven. Because you have to know that if you're hiding, more often than not, your fears will come looking for you.

George:
[voiceover] Now that I'm older and… deader… I see that Halloween is amateur night for death.

[George stops by her tombstone, where her sleeping mother and sister have camped out for El Día de los Muertos (The Day of the Dead).]

George:
[voiceover] I'm not supposed to be here… but I am. I don't know if I'm supposed to watch over them… or just haunt them.

[She leaves some candy and tucks their blanket around them. She walks off, then turns back to see Reggie looking her way.]

George:
[voiceover] Either way, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having fun.

[She smiles and resumes her departure.]

George:
[voiceover] I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to be here. Walking through a graveyard, the day after Halloween… on a quiet and beautiful November morning… It's not so bad, being dead like me.