Dilbert, Season 1

Dilbert:
I thought you were gonna wake me at 6:30?

Dogbert:
I also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes. Can you find a pattern here?

Dilbert:
I had the egg dream again.

Dogbert:
"I,I,I."

Dilbert:
What do you think an egg dream means?

Dogbert:
Mmm, probably an omen.

Dilbert:
A good omen?

Dogbert:
How many good omens involve things that come out of a chicken's butt?

Dilbert:
There only has to be one.

Dilbert:
Good morning, shower!

Automated Shower Machine:
Good morning, Dilbert!

Dogbert:
Hmm, don't you do enough engineering at work?

Dilbert:
Work is just meetings, this is engineering. If this works, someday all showers will be voice activated.

Dogbert [sitting on a stool]:
Is it that hard to turn the knobs?

Dilbert:
It's not that it's hard, it's unnecessary. [To ASM] 99, please.

ASM:
99. [shower turns on at 99 degrees; Dilbert steps inside]

Dogbert [aside]:
400.

[The ASM does nothing]

Dilbert:
Heh-heh, nice try. But the shower is calibrated to respond to my voice only.

Dogbert:
Why, you think of everything!

Dilbert:
I'm cautious.

Dogbert:
That's why you had training wheels on your bike until you were 17.

Dilbert:
I was 14.

ASM:
14. [makes the shower temperature 14 degrees]

Dilbert:
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! [is frozen in a block of ice] 99! 99! 99! [shower goes back to 99 degrees, as the ice melts] Don't do that!

Dogbert:
Where'd you get the voice for that thing? It sounds like the voice for that stupid movie; what was it called, "something, something, a Space Odyssey"?

Dilbert:
It wasn't "Something, something, a Space Odyssey", it was "2001: A Spa-" [cut to the exterior of the house, as the ASM evidently makes the shower temperature 2001 degrees] AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

[back inside, a red-skinned Dilbert wraps a towel around himself, which then catches on fire as he walks off-screen]

Dogbert:
On the plus-side, you look very clean.

Dilbert:
I told them at the rollout meeting that anthrax was a bacteria, not a herb!

Wally:
No you didn't!

Dilbert:
Well, I was thinking it pretty hard!

Executive:
Bob, you're like a son to me.

Bob:
You don't have a son.

Executive:
That's where I'm headed here.

Bob:
Oooh.

Dilbert:
To save time, I've hired a consultant to help us find a name for our next product.

[The "consultant" turns around in his swivel chair and reveals himself to be Dogbert]

Loud Howard:
He doesn't look like any consultant I've ever seen!

Dogbert [writing on a piece of paper]:
Recommendation: Downsize the Loud Guy.

Loud Howard:
Uh, I-I take it back!

Dogbert:
Anyone else want a piece of me?

Dogbert:
As you probably know, all the good product names have been trademarked by companies who are competent.

Wally:
Competent? How are we going to compete with that?

PHB:
Well, there's no point in killing a dead horse.

Dilbert:
You mean there's no point in beating a dead horse.

PHB:
Why would anyone beat a dead horse?

Dilbert:
Why would anyone kill a dead horse?

PHB:
Maybe it kicked ya.

Dilbert:
It's dead!

PHB:
And so is every customer who has used our flagship product!

Dilbert:
Do you think the guy who invented the mouse pad started with the name? What's a mouse pad?

Wally:
Heheh, feminine protection for mice.

[Alice smacks Wally in the face with a book]

Accountant:
Walter is good with these name things. He just named his baby.

PHB:
How is Walter Jr?

Walter:
She's fine, thanks for asking.

Dogbert:
Well, that was a dryhole. Do we have anyone here from marketing?

[A couple from marketing are making out]

Woman:
Lie to me!

Man:
Our next upgrade will solve the problem!

Woman:
Ohhhh! [the two keep making out]

Dogbert:
I like the sound of it, but how do you spell "uh-hoo-ah-ahhhh"?

Accountant:
Walter's a name for the product.

Walter:
How about... Ford?

Dogbert:
Hmm. That seems to be taken - [slams his paper on the table angrily] - by the Ford Motor Company!!

[Walter runs out crying]

Man:
Maybe Ford will sell the name. Everybody has a price!

Dogbert:
You're not allowed to talk anymore.

Vibrating chair store owner [speaking in a shaky voice]:
Would you like to try a vibrating chair?

Dogbert:
Get out of my way, you pervert.

[Dogbert causes all the chairs in the store to vibrate wildly]

Vibrating chair store owner [shaky voice]:
Will you be sitting down in any of these?

Dogbert:
No, I'm gonna run for it and you might wanna do the same.

Office worker:
Help, Dilbert, I've been shot!

Dilbert:
"I've been shot!", "I've been shot!"—I have a few problems of my own you know!

Office worker:
Yeah I heard about the name thing, that's a drag…

Dilmom:
Why don't you call your product the Gruntmaster 6000?

Dilbert:
What kind of product do you see when you imagine a Gruntmaster 6000?

Dilmom:
Well it's a stripped-down version of the Gruntmaster 9000 of course. But it's software-upgradeable.

Boss:
Ah, am I late?

PHB:
Right on time sir.

Boss:
Oh, in that case, I've got time to make some phone calls. [leaves]

PHB:
That is so rude.

Loud Howard:
The rumor is that they treat you like a human being! And I would love to be treated like a human being - just once!

Dilbert:
This is impossible! How am I gonna get any work done if there's no tension?

Dilbert:
What kind of madhouse is this?!

Dilbert:
Lena's team is so big you could get lost in the crowd and never have to lift a finger.

Alice:
They might get the big raises and party atmosphere, but they'll never know the satisfaction that comes from really hard work.

[Wally vanishes.]

Dilbert:
You could have worded that better.

Fred's head:
Get out while you still can.

Dilbert:
Get out?

Fred's head:
Can't you see? We're severed heads in a jar!

Dilbert:
Well maybe it didn't work out with you guys, but that doesn't mean it won't work out with me. She really likes me.

Alice:
Team Lena is going down!

Dilbert:
Must one person's triumph be another's humiliation?

Alice:
Of course.

Alice:
She's making me think of sex at the same time I see you naked. Now I've got Dilbert and sex in the same part of my brain! Ow! Ow! Ow! Get it out!

Dilbert:
It's so small - I can't even find it!

Dogbert:
That's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money.

Dilbert:
Hold it - were you just reading a book?

Wally:
Are you bonkers - what makes you think that?

Dilbert:
My own eyes.

Wally:
Hardly a reliable source.

Dilbert:
I just saw you!

Dilbert:
Insider trading is illegal - you could go to jail!

PHB:
Wally I'll need you to review the RFP for the BGA project before the IOC meeting.

Wally:
Well that has alibi written all over it. Are you in?

Dilbert:
I thought you were supposed to buy when the stock is down.

Dogbert:
Have I ever lied to you?

Dilbert:
About a thousand times.

Dogbert:
You don't have to throw it in my face.

Wally:
Who died and made you the Dalai Lama?

Wally:
You do whatever you want. Me - I'm cashing out.

Dilbert:
You plan to retire?

Wally:
Retire? From what? I don't do anything now except surf the net - why should I pay for that? Besides, I really like the coffee here.

Stockholder:
You two are going to fit right in here, and I'm referring of course only to Wally.

Dilbert:
That's it! I've done it!

Dogbert:
That's not the word on the street.

Dilbert:
What are you doing with my laser?

Dogbert:
Did you know there are no laws in space?

PHB:
Look, I've worked very hard seeing the Gruntmaster 6000 through to this final phase of testing and I just want to say how proud I am of myself. Now if we can just get rid of that junk on the field maybe we can start the tests..

Dilbert:
Uh, that's the Gruntmaster 6000.

PHB:
Really? It's so big.

Dilbert:
Just out of curiosity, how often does an asteroid hit an exercise machine?

PHB:
A comet hit my Stairmaster - that's why I don't exercise anymore!

Dilbert:
You're going into space?

Dogbert:
Good observation, potato boy. I'll send you a postcard.

Dilbert:
I don't think you can send a postcard from outer space.

Dogbert:
Ooh, it can be done. But you might see a little jump in your next tax bill.

Wally:
Hey Bob, how's it going?

Bob Bastard:
Wally. [walks off with Alice]

Wally [smitten]:
He called me "Wally."

Dilbert:
That's your name.

Wally:
There's no call for bitterness.

Dogbert:
So, you're welcome!

Dilbert:
Thanks, Dogbert. You really bailed me out.

Dogbert:
Ohh, it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely different.

Dilbert:
You're living in the past, my furry friend. Capitalism has transformed Elbonia. The economy is burgeoning.

Dogbert:
Nothing like slave labor to perk up the economy.

Dilbert:
They're making many advances. For instance, did you realise the leading cause of death in Elbonia is no longer Black Plague?

Dogbert:
Oh really? What is?

Dilbert:
Here we go, it's.. self-inflicted gunshot wounds? Must be a typo.

Garbageman:
Well in that case he'll need the help of someone who is incapable of sympathy; someone so cynical that the suffering of others is nothing but a source of cheap entertainment.

Dogbert:
Oh alright - I'll go.

Dilbert:
Hey, hi.

PHB:
What an odd-looking people.

Alice:
It's us! From work!

Dilbert:
Remember?

PHB:
If only I spoke your language. Do you know where the pool is? The POOL? Swimmy swimmy?

Dilbert:
Shouldn't there be a guard-rail around that?

Elbonian:
Guard-rail? Haha, what is this, an amusement park?

Alice:
You can't put babies to work on an assembly line!

Elbonian:
These are not babies. They are toddlers.

Dilbert:
Are those people dead?

Elbonian:
Technically, yes. But that's no excuse. Get to work you lazy corpse!

Dilbert:
If you're going to change anything you're gonna have to organise.

Elbonian Worker:
Now you've lost us.

Elbonian Dictator:
You will be read your rights, given a fair trial, then executed. On second thought, since we have no rights, and we have no courts, let's go to the execution.

Loud Howard:
I, I cough, cough I've lost my voice!

PHB:
Sorry son, I couldn't hear you! Mhm, mhm, mhm.

PHB:
At this time it gives me great pleasure to do this.

PHB:
Their sacrifices are a inspiration to us all — not to mention the cost-savings that go directly to the bottom line.

PHB:
Secondly, we've stocked the first aid kits with these new wonder-drugs — placebos [pronounced plah-see-bos].

Alice:
I could sue you both for making this a hostile workplace.

Dilbert:
Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless.

Alice:
He was senseless before I beat him.

Dogbert:
I'll bet you 20 dollars it doesn't feel good to give. [extends hand]

Dilbert:
You are on, my cynical friend! [shakes Dogbert's hand]

Dogbert:
Okay, to settle the question, give me 40 dollars and then tell me if it feels good.

Dilbert:
That wouldn't feel good.

Dogbert:
Okay, then give me 20 dollars because you lost the bet.

Dilbert [puzzled look]:
Did I just make a bet that would cost me 20 dollars whether I won or not? [hands Dogbert a $20 bill]

Dogbert [taking the money]:
Yes. But you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself.