Drake & Josh, Season 2

Drake:
Last week Josh challenged me to see who could hold his breath the longest.

Josh:
We had this contest to see who could hold their breath longer. After two minutes...

Drake:
I won.

Josh:
I lost... consciousness.

Drake:
I was breathing through my nose the whole time.

Josh:
Oh, and then there was the milk challenge.

Drake:
I bet Josh my allowance that he couldn't chug an entire gallon of milk, but he did it. I lost.

Josh:
I threw up.

Drake:
He yacked.

Drake and Josh:
It was worth it!

Drake:
Oh, just face it, Josh: you're addicted to video games.

Josh:
I am not addicted to them! [grinning] I am in love with them!

Drake:
[mockingly] Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No thank you man! I got me a video game!

Josh:
[mockingly] Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of cheese balls! [shoves a fist full of cheese balls into his mouth]

Drake:
which you're allergic to.

Josh:
[ stops eating, then vacuums the remainders of the cheeseballs out ]

Audrey:
You were too busy to go get your sister, but you weren't too busy to play video games all day!

Drake:
Josh.

Audrey:
Or to sit around swallowing 20 pounds of junk food!

Josh:
Drake.

Megan:
[to Audrey] I keep telling you they're bad people!

[Grammy has sent Josh a Game-Sphere]

Josh:
It's a Game-Sphere!

Drake:
No way! The Game-Sphere doesn't come out for another three months.

Josh:
Never underestimate Grammy!

Walter:
Whoa, hold on. What's a Game-Sphere?

Josh:
Only the most sophisticating gaming experience ever created by humans! And it's spherical. Spherical!

Josh:
[rocking back and forth] GameSphere... GameSphere... GameSphere... GameSphere...

Josh:
I can't wait! I have to play the Game-Sphere! It's spherical!

Megan:
All you have to do is sabotage Drake.

Josh:
[grins evilly] Sabotage. That's good. Real good.

Drake:
Josh, what did you do?

Josh:
What do you mean, Drake?

Drake:
It's all candy and junk food.

Josh:
["matter-of-fact] Yes. I suppose it is!

Drake:
But, Josh, how did you-?

[Josh raises big candy cane in front of Drake] Shh

Josh:
Don't ask. [eats a piece of candy] Just enjoy.

[While Josh is tempting Drake with various sweets]

Josh:
Everybody loves gummy bears!

Helen:
You.

Josh:
Me?

Helen:
That's your name, isn't it?

Josh:
[What is the] Eighth planet from the sun!

Drake:
They have eight now?!

Josh:
[to guitar] So I just kept applying the ointment... and eventually the rash went away...

Josh:
Do you sell guitars here?

Guy at counter:
[sarcastically] Here? At Guitar World? Gee, I don't know.

[Drake is staring at the vintage guitar he just won]

Drake:
Josh, I think I'm in love.

Josh:
Okay, but if you start making out with the thing, I'm leaving the room.

Josh:
You got me into this mess.

Megan:
I did? [grins] Cool.

[Josh just accidentally broke Devin's hand]

Manager:
Are you hurt?

Devin:
Yes.

Manager:
Is it your hand?

Devin:
[Annoyed] Yes!

Manager:
How many fingers am I holding up?

Devin:
I don't care!

Josh:
[to a security guard] [sarcastically, guilt-ridden] Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness?

Drake:
Hey, could you stare at my guitar for me? I gotta go to the bathroom.

Josh:
You want me to stare at your guitar...for you...while you pee?

Drake:
I could pee in here.

Josh:
I'll stare.

[Deleted scene]

Drake and Josh:
[singing] I saw Mercury, then Venus, I saw the Earth, then Mars-

Radio announcer:
Guys? Guys! Could you hang up the phone?

Drake and Josh:
[Hang up the phone. They sigh then decide to go back to their song] I saw Mercury, then Venus, I saw the Earth, then Mars, I saw Jupiter, then Saturn, Uranus, then Neptune and-

Helen:
You made Crazy Steve quit?!

Josh:
You hired a guy named Crazy Steve?

Helen:
Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for two months, but he's just so-

Josh:
Crazy?

Helen:
Mm-hmm.

Helen:
Do you have a job?

Josh:
No.

Helen:
Are you, uh, all right in the head?

Josh:
I think so.

Helen:
Congratulations. You're hired.

Josh:
What?!

Helen:
Get to work!

Drake:
I like to earn my money the old fashioned way.

Josh:
How?

Drake:
Selling your stuff on eBay.

Josh:
[sarcastically] Yeah, right. [finds that his stereo is missing]

Josh:
Uh, Drake, where's my stereo?

Drake:
Wisconsin.

Josh:
Aww...

[after Josh tells Drake that Helen is tough and does not just hand out jobs at the theater]

Drake:
Hey, Helen, can I have a job here?

Helen:
Whatever. Start tomorrow.

Plumber:
[going through the drain] Oh here's the problem. You had a beef rib stuck in there. [starts eating it] No, actually, it's pork. [keeps eating]... Yep. Definitely pork. [keeps eating and chuckles]

[Drake and Josh chuckle nervously]

Drake:
Mom!

Josh:
Dad!

[After people cause a riot searching for little golden balls Josh hid in the popcorn (finding one would give people free movies for a month)]

Josh:
Little golden balls. So much trouble... from such little... golden balls!

Walter:
[Talking through objects] Hey, are you the weather man? Not just the weather man. [Audrey and Megan walk in] I'm the superhero weather man!!! [Audrey and Megan just stare at him; Walter turns on the TV]

[Josh leans against a wall with wet paint. Twice.]

Josh:
How 'bout...paintin' on the weekends?!

[Josh arrives home looking very beat up]

Drake:
What happened to you?

Josh:
Football happened to me. First I got tackled, then I was trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle!

Drake:
So...you didn't make the team.

Josh:
Oh, I made the team.

Drake:
Really?! That's so cool!

Josh:
Yeah! My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's brand-new... [holds up a jersey] e-quipment manager!

[Drake stares at Josh, incredulous]

Josh:
...E-quipment manager!

Josh:
Did you do something to my brownies?

Drake:
Oh yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods.

Football Player:
Coach you better Check on Witherspoon he looks really bad!

Josh:
How many brownies did you eat?

Witherspoon:
I dunno like 17 [gags] ooh an' I think your about to see them again!

Coach:
Alright, someone get this boy a bucket!

Josh:
Aw, I just cleaned the buckets!

Coach:
Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit!

Josh:
Aw come on coach Davis, we can't forfeit!

Coach:
Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center!

Drake:
Josh will play Center!

Josh:
Josh who?!

Drake:
Josh you! You'll be great and cool!

Josh:
And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state; they're animals... animals!

Coach:
Will you quit whining Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night!

Drake:
Yes!

Josh:
No!

Josh:
Awww!

Zeke:
Hey, who are you guys, and what are you doing in my chocolate factory?

Josh:
Being at school at night creeps me out.

Drake:
Really? That's how I feel about school during the day.

Josh:
I'm not ready to die! I haven't seen Paris!

Drake:
They eat snails, the people smell bad; you don't wanna go there.

Zeke:
Who are you?

Drake:
I'm Drake.

Zeke:
And you are...?

Josh:
Josh.

Zeke:
And I am...?

Drake:
...Zeke. ...You're Zeke.

Zeke:
...Right. And you are...?

Josh:
Hey Drake, wanna take a cooking class together?

Drake:
[from another room, in a high-pitched voice] Sorry, Drake moved to Australia.

Josh:
That's not even an Australian accent!

Drake:
Yes it is...fromage!

Josh:
That's French!

Drake:
Hey Josh, come play.

Josh:
I'm working.

Drake:
You're playing.

Josh:
...Okay.

Josh:
[About the two tough, scary-looking biker thugs he hired to pretend to kill Drake] Drake, I'd like you to meet Chip and Ronnie, my old camp counselors.

Drake:
[laughs] [pause] Where did you go to camp?

Walter:
[needing a last minute anniversary gift for his wife] Uh, go get her some toothpaste. She's always using toothpaste.

Josh:
Dad, there's $200 here.

Walter:
Well get her some mouthwash too! ...I'm just a man! [runs away]

[While walking out angrily on Drake, Josh trips and falls]

Josh:
I may have tripped... but that does not diminish the impact of this exit!

Drake:
[To Josh; bends down on one knee opening a case] Will you play pool with me?

Drake:
I thought you were going to get an autograph from Regis.

Josh:
I asked. He hit me.

Drake:
Yeah, Regis...

[Drake reads the bill Dr. Glazer gave him to look at Ashley Blake, who is unconcious]

Drake:
$500?!

Dr. Glazer:
I put her to sleep. $500.

Josh:
I must be dreaming. Pinch me!

Drake:
I'm not pinching any part of you.

Josh's driving instructor:
I hate teenagers.

Josh:
Oh yeah, we're the worst!

Josh:
[on the phone] Hello? ...Oh, hi Trevor... No, I don't want to see your growth!... Look, I don't care if it's still growing. Put it back in the jar!"

Denise:
So, Chives, how long have you worked for Drake's family?

Josh:
[as Chives] Much too long.

Josh:
Drake, we're supposed to be studying for our driving test tomorrow.

Drake:
[playing a video game] That's what I'm doing. Ooh, just rammed a dragon! Oh, bridge is out!

Josh:
I seriously doubt our driving test will involve stealing a bus and ramming dragon.

Drake:
Do you know that for sure?

Josh:
[coming home from the grocery store with bags] And he's back with the groceries!

Police Officer:
Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son.

Josh:
No sir, you're going to have to give me two tickets.

Police Officer:
What for?

Josh:
Well, one for the faulty tail light... And one for this! [Drake and Josh start fighting while Drake's date runs out of the car in horror]

Josh:
[holding a very large T-shirt] Is this for me or a sport utility vehicle?!

Wendy's answering machine:
[Wendy's voice] Hi, this is Wendy. Drake's not here right now. But if he were, that would be so awesome! I love you, Drake! [pause] Please leave a message. [answering machine beeps]

Wendy:
Look at it! Drake signed this for me!

Josh:
[looks over autograph and frowns at Drake] On the back of my autographed picture of Frankie Muniz?!

Josh:
[opens oven] Hello, s'mores! [takes s'mores out without oven mitts] Hello, pain!

Walter:
[Gives Josh his Campfire Kids chief hat] This is for you.

Josh:
What're you doing?

Walter:
Resigning. You're the new Campfire Kids chief.

Josh:
But I don't wanna be the-

Walter:
[Shouting] New chief!

Josh:
[Nervously] Yes, daddy!

Josh:
So Wendy has a crush on you. It's cute. When I was her age, I had a crush on Oprah.

Drake:
Oprah?

Josh:
She's an inspiration! Anyway, don't worry. This week she likes you, next week it'll be...

Drake:
[mockingly] Oprah?

Josh:
Don't mock me!

Wendy:
Are we seeing a movie?

Josh:
We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about the wilderness of navigation.

[All the Campfire Kids groan]

Pete:
You're the worst!

Josh:
[sarcastically] Thank you, Pete. Okay, so what would you do if someone dropped you of in the middle of the road?

Megan:
I'd call Mom on my cell phone.

Josh:
Say you didn't have a cell phone.

Megan:
I always have my cell phone.

Josh:
The battery's dead.

Megan:
I always carry a car charger.

Josh:
It's broken, it fell in the lake, a bear ate it; the point is you're lost! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map.

Megan:
So I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone?

Josh:
That tears it, we're seeing a movie!

Campfire Kids:
[cheering]

Wendy:
[To Megan] Where's your brother?

Megan:
[Thinking she was talking about Josh] That is my brother.

Wendy:
Not him! Drake!

Megan:
Why are you always asking about Drake?

Wendy:
He's only, like, the cutest boy ever!

Pete:
Ahem!

Wendy:
Don't you think Drake's adorable?

Megan:
I think of him more as a... target.

Wendy:
Hey, Drake!

Drake:
Don't talk, just listen!

Wendy:
Baby, what's wrong?

Drake:
You know how much trouble your little posters caused me?! Everyone in my entire school made a fool of me today because of you!

Wendy:
They just don't understand our relationship I will kill them all.

Drake:
We don't have a relationship! You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend! I'm not even your friend! So, just leave me alone! [Drake walks away.]

Pete:
So, when's the wedding?

Megan:
You know, that wasn't nice.

Pete:
Who said I was nice?

Josh:
Um, could someone... let me out of here?! [Shakes the tent all about] I hate camping too! I'm claustrophobic! I would like some s'mores! Get me out of here!

Josh:
Hey! I wanna go to Chuck E. Cheddar's! Oh, come on, let me out! I wanna whack a mole! Drake, Megan, could I just get some mocha cola? [Shakes the tent all about] There's no bathroom in here! That's a problem!

Megan:
[with a blaster machine] Okay, first we aim...next we load the tomatoes...and now, we wait for the boob.

[Josh enters the room, and Megan shoots a tomato at him and misses]

Megan:
Aw, man! I missed your head. How could I have missed your giant head?

Josh:
Okay, first of all, my head is only slightly larger than average. Second-

[Megan shoots more tomatoes, and keeps missing]

Megan:
Darn it! I gotta go read the manual.

Josh:
Wait, aren't you going to clean this up?

Megan:
It's your room.

[She leaves, and Drake enters and sees the splattered tomatoes]

Drake:
...Who exploded?

Audrey:
Where are you going?

Drake:
To break up with my girlfriend.

Audrey:
Have fun.

Drake:
So, uh... nice night, huh?

Mrs. Hayfer:
I hate you.

Drake:
I know.

Josh:
[to his date] I forgot whether you'd asked for regular or diet soda, so I went for the diet because you're a model, so you're probably watching your figure...I mean, not that you need to watch your figure, I mean, you have a great body...I mean, not that I was looking at it, I was just...I was just...aw, jeez!

Mrs. Hayfer:
Why don't you tell the class your favorite novel from the 20th century?

Drake:
Uh, Catcher in the Rye.

Mrs. Hayfer:
Wrong.

Drake:
But... but you just asked....

Mrs. Hayfer:
Wrong!

Drake:
But you...

Mrs. Hayfer:
Was I talking to you?

Drake:
Kinda'!

Drake:
Hi, is Kelly... holy snot!

[Drake knocks at Kelly's door, only to have Mrs. Hayfer answer it]

Mrs. Hayfer:
What a charming sentiment...

Drake:
Mrs. Hayfer?! What are you doing here?!

Mrs. Hayfer:
Watching OR. and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my front porch?

Drake:
Wait. Isn't this Kelly's address?

Mrs. Hayfer:
Wait... you're the boy who's been dating my daughter?

Drake:
You're Kelly's mom!?

Mrs. Hayfer:
I'm going to be sick.

Drake:
Oh, right there with you.

Mrs. Hayfer:
What language were Homer's The Iliad and The Odyssy written in? Drake?

Drake:
Greek?

Mrs. Hayfer:
Wrong! Todd?

Todd:
Greek?

Mrs. Hayfer:
Correct!

Drake:
[Drake hamners down the phone] Ah, I can't take it anymore! I'm gonna make that girl break up with me tonight!

Josh:
You already tried that, bro, and it didn't work.

Drake:
I know...but...I need...something...like [stares and points at Josh's shirt] That shirt.

Josh:
My shirt?!

Drake:
Your shirt!

Josh:
No! You don't even believe in its lucky powers.

Drake:
Yeah I do! You got video games, gold jewelry, a date with a model; your life's not that good! [points at the shirt] This shirt is possessed!

Josh:
I prefer enchanted.

Josh:
You made my customer leave.

Drake:
So, who cares?

Josh:
I do. Helen's been all over my butt to sell more snacks.

Drake:
Uh, you really shouldn't use the words 'butt' and 'snacks' in the same sentence.

Josh:
[annoyed] Headaches!

Josh:
So, where you go the school?

Prisoner #1:
You know what color your guts are?

Josh:
(thinking for a moment) No.

Prisoner #1:
I do.

Josh:
Oh, is your father surgeon? (Drake then takes Josh away from the Prisoner)

Drake:
He's not a good friend for you.

[Gary Coleman is about to confiscate their new translucent chair]

Josh:
Please, can we keep the chair?

Gary:
Have you sat in it?

Josh:
Yeah.

Gary:
Keep it.

Cop:
[interrogating Drake and Josh] The description said that two Caucasian males were seen at the site.

Drake:
See, there you go! We're not Caucasian, we're white guys!