Family Guy, Season 15

[after Lois walks in on Brian and Stewie watching the director's cut of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, which features Willy Wonka as a pedophile]

Lois:
What did he say? Brian, this does not seem appropriate to watch in front of the baby.

Stewie:
"Not appropriate"? You took me to see Magic Mike XXL.

[cutaway to Lois holding Stewie while trying to find a movie theater seat]

Lois:
Huh, this one's wet. [looks at the seat next to her]: This one too. [walks to another seat]: Also wet. [looks at the seat next to her]: Huh, this one's dry, but the back of the seat in front of it is wet.

[Chris and Quagmire sit on a couch in Quagmire's house]

Quagmire:
Okay, Chris, I think you'll be a great assistant. Your paperwork appears to be in order, but before we get started, do you own a pair of rubber boots that you'd have to wear if you worked on a fishing boat?

Chris:
Uh, no, I don't think so.

Quagmire:
Alright, I guess it'll be a light day today, but tomorrow, you should come wearing those.

Chris:
Okay, got it.

Quagmire:
Now, the first thing I need you to do is punch me in the stomach because I'm bad. [he stands up]

Chris:
Is this a trick?

Quagmire:
It's the furthest thing from a trick, go ahead. And it should be pretty hard, I'm a worse person than you think.

[Chris punches him in the stomach extremely hard. Quagmire hunches over and grunts in pain]

Quagmire:
[strained] Okay, that's really good. Now I need you to call Time Warner about my cable bill.

Frank Sinatra Jr.:
Stewie! Elliot!

Brian:
It...it...it's actually "Brian". We've...we've met many times before.

Frank Sinatra Jr.:
Then who's Elliot?

Brian:
I ... I really wouldn't know.

Stewie:
This is a bad start to whatever he's doing.

Stewie:
You uh...you keep meatballs in your jacket?

Frank Sinatra Jr.:
Oh, yeah. All my pockets are lined with Reynolds Wrap. I learned that from my old buddies, Dean Martin, Jr., Joey Bishop, Jr., and Sammy Davis, III.

Announcer:
Step right up. Everybody take a chance on Whack-A-Big Pussy.

[Chris is seen playing Whack-A-Big Pussy, which is a game with Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero from The Sopranos]

Chris:
This is not what I thought it was! RAAAAGH!

[Chris gets angry and starts smashing the game]

Lois:
Oh my God, Chris is out of control!

Peter:
I know. It must be all the violence in movies and sex on TV.

Lois:
Ohhhh!

Peter:
See, I listen!

[Brian enters the kitchen after a day on the job]

Brian:
Wow, what a day!

Stewie:
Please don't comment.

Stewie:
There's a rat trap in that cabinet ... with a foot in it ... and somewhere in this house, there's a footless rat.

Quagmire:
Ladies, this is your pilot speaking. I am in the full, upright, and locked position.

[The Who Else But Quagmire Guy comes up]

Peter:
Oh, hey, it's that guy! Are you gonna say, Who else but Quagmire?

Who Else But Quagmire Guy:
Uh, no, I, uh, wanted to know if Quagmire was available tomorrow evening.

Peter:
Are you... Are you gay?

Who Else But Quagmire Guy:
Uh, of course not, but I'm unable to properly have sex with my wife so I figure, you know, who else but Quagmire?

Peter:
Hey, awesome for you.

(Quagmire narrating as he's walking the streets, prostituting himself)

Quagmire (voice-over):
I heard the women are funnier than the men on Saturday Night Live now, but I haven't gotten a chance to see it.

Lois:
Is it your line?

Chris:
I don't think so.

Stewie:
I'm sorry, whose line is it?

Gary:
Cut! That was Peter's line. Where's Peter?

[Peter enters the room]

Peter:
Sorry, I was in my trailer eating fancy nuts and smoking.

Lois:
Well, it certainly isn't easy being in a family that also happens to star in a sitcom together. Especially last year when I discovered those naked pictures of that 18-year-old intern on Peter's phone, but he explained that his phone number was the old number of her ex-boyfriend, so ... what was it again? ... So, the cloud. That's right. So, the photos were on the cloud and the cloud pulled the pictures uh ... I mean, even if the pictures had not been sent directly to him and that's why he has them and we both called the Apple store and they said that they can't disprove that it doesn't happen and so, here we are. Still married. Still on the show and it's happened five times since then some of the pictures have both Peter and the girl in them.

Peter:
Oh, yeah. It's great, you know, doing the show with your family, cuz what guy doesn't want to go to his office and have his family there? You know, and then you go home after work and catch up with the family, [progressively gets more depressed as he keeps talking] and then next day same thing. Just trying to make it through the weekend, so you can uh ... spend some time with the family ... Isn't that the dream?

James Wood:
It's not just the Griffins who work hard to make Family Guy what it is. Here in the props department, some sweaty guy is working on the Petercopter.

Sweaty Guy:
That's right. You know, a lot of people don't realize, that SEAL Team Six completed their mission in this puppy.

[cutaway to SEAL Team Six's mission killing Osama bin Laden]

Osama:
Oh cool, Family Guy! Over here! I'm down here!

Quagmire:
Look, don't get me wrong, guys. I think it's hilarious ... and I get that the sex thing is what made me popular, but ... would it kill us to just once tell a joke that brings glory to God?

Peter:
Alright, red light. Time to text and shave and whittle and floss.

Stewie:
You've just gotta do what Taylor Swift does and shake it off.

Chris:
Who's Taylor Swift?

[Stewie pauses in shock]

Stewie:
Oh, my God! Am I about to introduce you to Taylor Swift?

Chris:
What is she, a singer?

Stewie:
She's much more than a singer, Chris. She's ... she's ... she's the queen! A goddess! A gazelle in a high-waisted swimsuit!

[Peter fills out a form]

Peter:
Name ... Peter Griffin. Criminal history ... This section is optional. I will skip this.

Stewie:
[talking to Taylor Swift] Okay, so let's talk about Harry Styles. Now, you don't have to say anything. I'm just gonna slowly pull out this tape measure, and you indicate when I should stop. Okay, here I go. [Stewie starts pulling out the tape measure] Still going ... still going ... Oh my God, you bitch! Seriously?

Chris:
Brian, we can't have a bat flying around the house. We gotta do something.

Brian:
Don't worry, Chris, I'll get rid of it. It'll be a piece of cake. Just like my penis enhancement. [cutaway to Peter at the doctor's office] I want it to hang down to my knees. [Peter leaves the building, with extremely short legs] They moved up my knees.

(after Lois announces her anti-vaccine campaign)

Stewie:
Ugh, this is going to be a Lois episode. [to the audience] Game of Thrones is on.

Gatsby:
I came down here to think every night and gaze at that green light. It's where the love of my life lives. Daisy Buchanan.

Nick:
Um, I hate to break it to you, but that green light you've been looking at is a gay gym called the Pump House. [nervously] I... I only know that because I... I saw a coupon that came with my rental.

Gatsby:
You know, sometimes I just wanna jump off this balcony and into that pool down there.

Daisy:
So do it.

Gatsby:
Yeah, I know, right? [chuckles] Do it!

Daisy:
Yeah, do it.

Gatsby:
I know, I totally should, right? Here I go. 1... 2... 3... Whoa! [laughs] Can you imagine?

Daisy:
Yeah, I can imagine. It would be fun. You should do it.

Gatsby:
If only it were that easy, right?

Daisy:
It is. It... It looks deep enough. It's your pool. It's your house. You can do whatever you want.

Gatsby:
I know, right? Uh, you know, I can't right now. My pool guy's cleaning it.

[RJ is shown to be the pool guy]

RJ:
Are you going to bone her?

Daisy:
Nick, have you met Jordan? She plays golf and is what kids will someday call duff.

Nick:
Hey, yeah. Nice Tam o'shanter.

Jordan:
I'll drink your finger bowl if you don't want it.

Nick's narration:
In the book, I go on a few dates with Jordan. We're gonna skip all that.

Tom:
I'd like to add another bit of pointless confusion that will make sense later. Let's everyone drive someone else's car.

Gatsby:
Someone can take my coop.

Nick:
I'm riding with Gatsby, I don't care which car.

Jordan:
I'll take someone in Daisy's car.

Tom:
I don't think Daisy said you could drive her car.

Daisy:
Tom, why don't you take Jay's car?

Tom:
Who's Jay?

Daisy:
Gatsby.

Tom:
Okay, I have never heard anyone call him that.

Nick:
Look, if you're in your car, you're in the wrong car.

Nick:
So, you've seen any good movies lately?

George:
We just saw Woman Tied to Railroad Tracks 5. Pretty similar to 4.

Tom:
Hello, room service? I'd like a bottle of your second most expensive champagne.

Gatsby:
And I'd like your most expensive bottle.

Tom:
Wow, walked right into that one.

Tom:
I hear Gatsby didn't even fight in World War I.

Nick:
Wait, why is he calling it that? [worried] Is there gonna be another big war?

Tom:
Hi, Huckleberry Finn.

Huck:
Hi, Tom Sawyer. You're Tom. I'm Huck. [to the camera] Everybody good?

Brian:
Well, there are children in the room. Watch your swearing.

Joe:
I have to confiscate your license and you're gonna have to walk home.

Brian:
But can't you at least just give me a ride?

Joe:
No can do, Amigo.

Brian:
Alright, I guess I'll just call an Uber.

[Brian calls an Uber and Joe's phone rings]

Joe:
Are you Brian?

[Peter walks into the house, while the kids are watching TV]

Peter:
You guys, what are you doing, watching TV? It's snowing.

Brian:
Really?

[the kids look out the window]

Meg:
Wow! It's so beautiful.

Peter:
Isn't it? And you know what's a miracle, kids? Every single snowflake is exactly alike.

Chris:
I don't think that's right.

Peter:
No, it's true. Just like fingerprints.

Peter:
Sledding was the second passion of Christ.

[cutaway to Jesus winning a sled race]

Jesus:
Eat this, for this, is my dust.

Stewie:
[to Susie] My sled has Dora on it because my parents got it at a yard sale. It ... It's still for boys though. She's about language acquisition, not gender.

Cleveland:
You serious all this white stuff used to be water? Mmm, my word.

Brian:
I've been crashing office Christmas parties for the free booze and the drunk women, who don't want to spend the holiday alone.

Stewie:
Oh, so you're a Christmas party creep, just like the fat man is a pool party creep.

[cutaway to Peter and Chris at a pool party]

Peter:
Now Chris, you're getting older, so it's time for you to learn the classic pool party game, Talk to someone's wife in a bikini until they cover up uncomfortably. [Peter talks to Bonnie and stares at her] So, Bonnie. How are things going?

Bonnie:
Oh, things are fine. Been kind of busy lately, what with Susie starting to... [covers up]

Peter:
Okay, bye. [Peter leaves] Man, that was like two seconds.

[Quagmire comes up to him]

Quagmire:
Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you been watching on TV lately?

Peter:
Oh, you know, this and that. There's this show called "Shipping Wars" and it's kind of...

[covers up]

Quagmire:
Okay, bye.

Chris:
Dad, look! Santa's here! [gestures to a Mall Santa] I wanna sit on his lap.

Peter:
Jeez, Chris, come on. You're in high school.

Chris:
I'm gonna ask for a family trampoline.

Peter:
Holy crap! Get your ass up there!

Cleveland:
Wow, so that was San Francisco.

[Joe has extremely muscular arms]

Joe:
I didn't realize how hilly it was gonna be there.

[Quagmire kicks the guys out of the cockpit]

Peter:
Joke's on him. I farted just before he kicked us out.

Quagmire:
Aaah! Oh, God!

Cleveland:
Oh my God! Those guys in first class have guns!

Peter:
Cleveland, just be happy with what you have. Don't envy people.

Peter:
Uh, listen, Gronk, um, it's getting kind of late. Don't you think maybe it's time to call it a night?

Rob Gronkowski:
Yeah, sure. Hey, have you ever seen a spikenard explode?

Peter:
A what? A spikenard? Is that something on the Internet? 'Cause I...

[Gronk takes the towel off his shoulder, twirls it into a rope, and snaps Peter in the groin with it]

Peter:
AHH! Damn it! What the hell?!

Rob Gronkowski:
[laughs] Dude, relax. I was just kidding.

Peter:
You were kidding about what? What was the joke?

Rob Gronkowski:
This was! [he slaps Peter in his groin again]

Peter:
Oh, damn it! You hit the seam!

[Gronk and his friends laugh again]

Peter:
You know what? You're a jerk, Gronk! That's it. I'm gonna rid of that bastard. Just like how I kicked the British folks out of America.

[cutaway to colonial America]

Peter:
This tyranny shall not stand! For without liberty...

[Gronk runs up and slaps Peter's groin with a towel]

Peter:
Ah, crap! He's even in the cutaways! [groans in pain] Just cut to commercial. I'm gonna squat here and hold onto this bench.

Peter:
I didn't see that in the newsletter this month. Just a big article about how to tailgate a speeding fire truck to get places faster. [cutaway to Peter tailgating a fire truck] Wait til they get to the golf course and find out there's no fire.

Peter:
Oh, my God! Our new neighbor is Gronk!

[Lou Ferrigno walks up]

Lou Ferrigno:
Hey, I'm your new mailman. A former star of The Incredible Hulk, Lou Ferrigno.

Peter:
On any other day, that would be so exciting. Please give me my mail and go.

Brian:
[In regards to the steroids] So how much do we use?

Stewie:
It says that this is enough for a horse? So...how many bees are in a horse?

Brain:
Well you can't fit a horse in this box so I'd just use the whole thing.

Stewie:
[After a moment of contemplation] That make sense.

Brian:
Hey look. That bee's trying to get our honey.

Stewie:
Okay Mr. Bee. We'll give you the employee discount. I...

[The bee lifts the entire jar and tries to fly away]

Stewie:
ARRRGH!

Brian:
Holy crap! That thing just lifted a whole jar of honey! Do you think it's one of our steroid bees?

[Another bee flies on screen. It has tons of muscle and is wearing a hoodie as a shirt]

Stewie:
Well, this one is wearing a hoodie as a shirt so...yeah. I'd say this is ours.

Brian:
Stewie, I have a bad feeling about ... OH GOD! It just ate the other bee!

Stewie:
[Worried] Okay. So some of the bees had a bad reaction to the ... Oh crap.

[A giant swarm of muscle-bound bees flies on screen]

Stewie:
Oh, my God! BRIAN, RUN!!!

[Brian and Stewie are in a car, surrounded by bees]

Brian:
What the hell are we supposed to do? We're surrounded.

Stewie:
Hang on, I got this. [texting] Meg, come outside. We have Pinkberry.

[Meg comes outside the house and the bees attack her]

Meg:
Aah! Ow, ow, ow! Stop! Stop it!

Stewie:
All right, they're distracted. Let's go! [he and Brian get out of the car and run to the back of the house] Quick, we just have to get rid of the queen. She's in the hive.

Brian:
What's that gonna do?

Stewie:
The bees instinctively stay with the queen. So if she's gone, they'll follow her.

[they stop at the hive]

Brian:
Okay, great. But how are we gonna do it?

[Meg walks into the room with a buzz cut]

Meg:
I said damn, what a wild couple of days. Anyways, sup with you guys?

Chris:
Sorry amigo, not interested.

Lois:
I'm gonna go take a shower, so I can blow my nose into my hands. [crashes into a wall] Ow! Damn it! I hate this house.

[Peter walks in as Lois leaves]

Lois:
Go to Hell!

Brian:
Ugh, this is gonna suck. 80% of these acts are either air guitar or girls dancing to songs from Frozen.

Lois:
I'm glad you finally agreed to have the cataract surgery, Daddy.

Carter:
I wish I hadn't. I can't see anything now. This is terrible.

Lois:
Well, that... That's why the whole family came to support you.

Carter:
Oh, really? Oh, wow. That's so kind. Who's there?

Lois:
Oh, uh, ... Well, as you know. I'm here.

Carter:
Who else?

Lois:
Uh, Stewie and Brian.

Brian:
Hey, hope you feel better soon.

Carter:
That doesn't sound like the whole family.

Lois:
[imitating Peter] Hey, hope those eyes get better soon, Pop. It's me, Peter. Shipoopi.

Carter:
Oh, thanks for coming, Peter.

Lois:
[mimicking Chris] I'm here too, Grandpa. [as herself] And, uh, and Meg went down to ... To put money in the meter.

Carter:
Ah, I don't care.

[Carter sees a redhead.]

Carter:
Holy crap, it's Jessica Chastain!

Tom:
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up is tonight's second story.

[Stewie walks into the room, groaning in pain]

Brian:
What's wrong with you?

Stewie:
It's my back. It's killing me.

Brian:
Yeah, I'm not falling for that hot oil massage bit again.

Stewie:
No, this time it's not a bit. I'm in so much pain. I must have jacked it up, playing sports and not trying to dance like Beyoncé.

Al Harrington:
Good afternoon and welcome to today's auction. I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to the presence of black mold, discarded half-eaten turkey legs, and an undulating rat king that no one dares approach, I have devised to move these proceedings along as quickly as possible.

Joe:
Sorry I'm late. The pantry down at the station needed new shelf paper.

Quagmire:
That's what they got you doing down there?

Joe:
Well, that, and I'm also in charge of the office gerbil. And let me tell you, Lieutenant Nibbles is quite a handful. He'll only eat real cheese. Not processed.

Cleveland:
You buy special cheese for a gerbil?

Joe:
Yeah, I have to. He outranks me.

Joe:
It may not sound exciting, but I play an important role. I go through all the body cam footage and take out all the parts where the cops go pee-pee.

Cleveland:
So, you're just erasing cop wieners all day?

Joe:
Eh, not erasing. Sort of cutting them together into a funny montage, we watch on birthdays.

[when Chris kills himself when Peter tells him he runs like a girl, he is shown at his funeral in a dress]

Brian:
Run like a man, you get a suit.

Father:
Next up, our fantasy weekend for two at Fenway Park.

Peter:
Oh, man. This is it.

Father:
And the winner is ... Peter Griffin!

Peter:
Holy crap, I won!

Brian:
Wow, good for you.

Meg:
Congratulations.

Chris:
I LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY YOUR NAME OUT LOUD!

Airport Security Guard:
Sir, you're not allowed to be on the carousel.

Peter:
Well then, maybe you shouldn't have named it such a fun word.

Joe:
I've got that murdered jogger's Discman you wanted last week. Still bloody.

Meg:
Mom, you're going to Boston? I didn't even think you liked baseball.

Lois:
Oh, I'm not going for baseball. I'm going shopping, to the hotel spa, and two days away from you life-sucking turds.

Meg:
Okay, now you heard Mom say I'm in charge. So, I just wanna lay a few ground rules.

Stewie:
Yep.

Meg:
I promise we're gonna have fun, but there will be a schedule.

Stewie:
Uh-huh.

Meg:
Just to keep everything running smoothly.

Stewie:
Sure, gotta have boundaries.

Meg:
And I may assign a chore or two.

Stewie:
Sounds great, Meg.

Meg:
Because it's more fun when everyone pitches in.

Stewie:
Hey, by the way.

[Stewie sprays Meg with a garden hose]

Meg:
AAAAAAAAH!

Stewie:
I'm gonna flush your retainer down the toilet.

Lois:
Alright Peter, I'm gonna go. You wanna hand me some cash in front of the other men, so you feel powerful?

Peter:
Instead, why don't you just take my Minions Discover card?

(Chris, Meg, and Brian enter the house after lying to Lois about writing a play for Stewie)

Brian:
We could repurpose my one-act farce.

Chris:
Or we could write something fresh.

Principal Shepherd:
[over the intercom] Good morning, students. Today at 3:30, James Wood High will be hosting a cross-country meet, which also happens to be where Lorraine has threatened to take my children. Across the country. And here's today's Tuesday trivia question. Does this sound like yelling? Because apparently, this sounds to some people like yelling.

Jock:
Well, well. If it isn't Meg Griffin.

Meg:
Leave me alone, you guys.

Jock:
Relax, we're taking the day off from bullying.

Meg:
Oh, thank God. [opens her locker and her face gets burned off] Very funny. Who put the ark of the covenant in here?

[the bullies laugh]

Jock:
Meg is so stupid. She couldn't handle the glory of God's love.

Principal Shepherd:
I just listened to two hours of butt-dialed sex between my wife and the ADT alarm guy.

Meg:
Why didn't you just hang up?

Principal Shepherd:
Because I miss the sound of her voice. [bursts into tears]

Lady:
[over the intercom] Principal Shepherd, your wife is on the line. She says, "Ugh! Ugh! Oh, God! Harder!"

Stewie:
Please rub the H and the C off all the knobs, so people won't know what's going on. I want the first 4 minutes of every shower to be confusion and anger.

School Board Guy:
I know a number of our students have felt [mimicking students] traumatized by the events of this week [normal] and we take those concerns very seriously.

Peter:
Ah, the water park. Happy anniversary, Lois.

(Peter climbs the top of the ride and sees a bored-looking man at the top, but no slide)

Peter:
Uh, where's the slide?

Park Worker (hands him something):
Just eat this Starburst.

(Peter takes the Starburst and eats it. Cut to him riding down a water slide with lemons, oranges, and cherries on the side as cheery music plays)

Peter:
Wow! Lemons! Oranges! Cherries! So juicy!

(a sickening crunch. Cut back to reality. Peter is on the ground with a bleeding head as the park worker looks down at him)

Peter:
I don't think that was a Starburst. I think that may have just been acid.

Park Worker (as he walks up to Peter):
Would you like to ride the Skittles rainbow now?

Peter:
Is it also acid?

Park Worker:
My friend, I'm an adult who works at a water park. If I give you something, it's acid.

Isabella:
My top came off on the slide. I think I may have seen ... you put it in your shorts.

Chris:
Okay, well here's my shorts. [Chris takes off his shorts, which are full of bikini tops] Just fish out the one that's yours.

Chris:
I saw Lady and the Tramp, so I asked if we could eat spaghetti in the alley, but they said no 'cause of all the homeless masturbation.

Isabella:
Aw, I love that movie.

Lois:
Are you sure you wanna date a girl who's had so much experience?

Chris:
What do you mean?

Lois:
Like, maybe she's got some city miles on here.

Stewie:
Not to mention a couple of blowouts. [chuckles] Hey, Bri.

Brian:
Yup, I heard you.

Brian:
Look, I can see why you're concerned that Chris' girlfriend has kids, but, he's happy and she seems like she's into him. Plus she's ... [bites lips] she's hot.

Lois:
[bites her lip] Yeah, she is.

Peter:
[lips covered in blood] I bit my lip off.

[someone throws rocks at Chris' bedroom window]

Chris:
[sigh] Go away, Mr. Herbert.

Herbert:
It's not me. I'm in your closet.

Peter:
Chris, meet Orville Redenbacher and his son. Watch.

Peter:
Lois, is the president stronger than a king-- [sees Larry and Lois] WHAT THE HELL?!

Lois:
Peter! Look, calm down. We're just friends, he's just giving me a friendly massage.

Peter:
A friendly massage?!

Lois:
Yeah, and what do you care? When is the last time, you did anything nice for me?

Peter:
I ate that gross pasta you made!

Larry:
I might as well just tell you, Peter. I'm in love with Lois. I knew it, the moment we kissed.

Peter:
Kissed?! [to Lois] Is that true?

Lois:
Yes, Peter. But, I--

Peter:
YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [Peter begins to fight Larry]