George Lopez, Season 3

George:
Angie, your dad's been here for a month, how long is he gonna stay?

Angie:
We can't kick him out while he's getting over the divorce, he's staying here as long as he needs to. End of discussion.

George:
Alright.

Benny:
(to Angie) Hey, now I know what you've been knitting, a to-go bag for my son's huevos.

Carmen:
[to George & Angie] You guys are the best parents in the whole world!

George:
No.

Carmen:
No, what?

George:
You want something and the answer is no. You're just too young.

Carmen:
You don't even know what it is.

George:
What is it?

Carmen:
I wanna date.

George:
No, you're just too young. Angie, I got it right!

Jason:
I'm here to see Carmen.

George:
Are you sure you can be here? The super popular kids might see you! You could lose your reputation and have to eat lunch with.. the debate team!

Jason:
I'm captain of the debate team.

George:
Hey J-Man, what's up?

Jason:
What's up, man?

George:
Wait up for Carmen.

Jason:
Carmen? (looks at her) Oh yeah... I've seen you in the cafeteria, nice to meet you.

George:
That's how you treat your girlfriend?

Jason:
Girlfriend? Yeah right. (walks off with his friends)

Carmen:
...I'm going home! (runs off)

Angie:
Carmen!

George:
Follow her and make sure she's alright, I'll deal with Jason. (gets out of the car) It's bad enough to ignore my daughter but I thought we had something. "What's up, man?" I don't think so. Yo, Breakfast Club!

George:
What happened out there? Why did you pretend not to know my daughter?

Jason:
Mr. Lopez, I really like Carmen. Come on, you gotta believe me. I know I must have looked bad out there.

George:
Bad? Jason, you humiliated her!

Jason:
But I didn't want to, it's just that...Okay look. Carmen's new at Allendale right, and my friends, we already have our own group. I honestly intended on taking her out but... you know...who she is and who I am-

George:
Come on, man, get to the point.

Jason:
We really can't be seen together in public.

George:
Look, my daughter deserves respect, and since you can't give it to her, you're not allowed to see her again, you understand me?

Jason:
Maybe you should leave that up to Carmen.

George:
You know, man, I knew cool guys like you in high school. You know what happened to them? They peaked at 17 and the rest of their lives were all downhll from there, so go ahead homeboy, protect your big reputation while you can. I'd hate to see you're gonna be 5 years from now.

Jason:
I have an early admission to Stanford.

George:
You couldn't get into any schools around here, could you? Alright, what about 10 years from now, fool?

Jason:
I hope to open a charitable organization to assist people in wheelchairs.

George:
Tired of driving your brother around huh? Selfish, you disgust me.

George:
(knocks on Carmen's door) Carmen, I wanna talk to you.

Carmen:
Go away, I already told Mom I don't want to talk about it.

George:
I talked to Jason.

Carmen:
(opens door) What did you say to him?

George:
Don't worry, I told him it was over and he couldn't see you again.

Carmen:
Why would you do that?

George:
I'm helping you! You know what he said to me? He said he couldn't be seen with you because you're not one of the popular girls.

Carmen:
That was our deal.

George:
...What?!

Carmen:
He was trying to protect me. Jason is super popular. If the popular girls found out we were dating, they'd be really mean to me. So when other people were around, we"d pretend not to know each other. He didn't want me to get hurt.

George:
Oh, well, thank God there's a logical explanation, I mean I thought you were being used. You're right, he is sweet.

Carmen:
You just don't understand.

George:
Carmen, this kid doesn't care about you, he's embarrassed to be seen with you! Where's your self respect?

Carmen:
I'm gonna call him.

George:
No.

Carmen:
Yes. (reaches for the phone)

George:
Carmen, NO. (snatches phone away) Listen. Your mother was a lot more popular than me but she took me everywhere. No matter how ashamed she was.

Carmen:
I'm gonna see Jason again.

George:
Where? He won't be seen with you in public, Carmen, and he's not coming here.

Carmen:
He'll find a way.

(puts on headphones)

George:
(under his breath) Man, sometimes you're dumber than the dog. (leaves room)

Carmen:
The song ended.

George:
(turns around) ...Love you.

George:
[to Carmen] You want to see what happens when you start dating boys too early? [points at Benny] That!

Benny:
You know what, I wasn't so much dating boys at 15 as....

George:
Mom!

Benny:
Having sex with them. What did you think I was gonna say?

Max:
(to Benny after she threw his ball away from him): You know, I got a better idea. Why don't you take your tired ass home?! (Benny slaps Max on his face in front of his friends)

George:
What's Ricky doing here? You know he's not allowed in the house.

Max:
I know, but he needed a ride to the game.

Ricky:
Mr. Lopez, can't you forgive me?

George:
Forgive you? You burned down my garage!

George:
You did it this time, Max. You're grounded for sneaking Ricky in the house.

Angie:
He's already grounded for skateboarding in the house.

George:
All right, then no video games for a month.

Angie:
We took them away for eavesdropping on the phone calls.

George:
Allowance?

Angie:
Took it away when they burned down the garage.

George:
Okay, you leave me no choice. For the rest of the month... You're not allowed to use your hands.

[after Max and Ricky drove George's car into the backyard]

George:
How the hell did that happen?

Max:
Well, we were trying to surprise you and wash your car, but the hose is too short. I love you, Dad.

George:
Look, I want the truth.

Ricky:
Okay. Here's what happened. We ditched school. But it was lucky because two gangbangers were stealing your car. We scared them away. But when we tried to put the car back in the driveway, we crashed, so I guess you're welcome, Mr. Lopez.

George:
[to Max] You, you're going back to school. We'll deal with this tonight. [to Ricky] And you, you're out of here, man. I'm taking you back to your mother. And say goodbye to Max. Because that's the last time you're gonna see him. Do you know you could've killed someone?

Ernie:
Wow. Hey, your mom sits out here. What if she was in that chair?

George:
Don't try to cheer me up.

[George, Ernie and Ricky arrive at the apartment]

George:
Hey, you two wait here. I wanna talk to his mom alone.

Ernie:
All right.

[George leaves them and goes to find Tammy]

Ernie:
You know, that was a pretty stupid stunt you two pulled.

Ricky:
I know. Do you think he'll ever let me see Max again?

Ernie:
He's pretty mad, Ricky.

Ricky:
Max is my best friend.

Ernie:
Hey, you know what? Once George cools down, I'll try and talk to him, all right?

Ricky:
Thanks, Ernie. You ever do anything like this when you were a kid?

Ernie:
[chuckling] Actually, yeah. One time, George and I broke into school with a whole bunch of spray paint, and we... Made a banner that said, "Learning is cool." Whoo! Those were the days, man. [chuckling]

[Zack climbs into Carmen's room and sits on her bed]

Zack:
Morning.

Carmen:
Zack, what are you doing here? My dad's still home.

Zack:
I wanted to take you to school.

Carmen:
No, no, Noah's coming over to pick me up. My parents totally believe he's my boyfriend. Zack, don't blow this.

Zack:
Relax. We'll call him on the way, come on.

Carmen:
All right, fine, I'll meet you at the end of the block. Now go, get out.

Zack:
Hey, how come you never wear this tube top for me?

Carmen:
That's a headband.

Zack:
Fine. Then put this thong on.

Carmen:
That's a shoelace.

Zack:
Work with me.

George:
Carmen, there's no easy way to say this. Your boyfriend's in the closet.

Carmen:
Oh my god.

George:
Look, I know, I don't like it either. But just because Noah's gay... [Zack is shocked and hides back in the closet] Okay... It has nothing to do with you. Okay, this doesn't mean that you're ugly or stupid. He was just using you to hide something that he doesn't know how to deal with.

Noah:
Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, is Carmen ready?

Angie:
She just left.

George:
You know, Noah, I went to see A Walk in the Tuscan Meadow last night. Saw the whole thing.

Noah:
Didn't you love the ending when the cheesemaker comes home from war, but he can't make cheese anymore because he lost his arms? But then his son shows up and says, "Papa, I'll be your hands."

[he and Angie feel relieved]

George:
Yeah, that was really moving, but I meant the gay horseplay.

Noah:
What?

Angie:
Mr. Lopez saw you... Being very friendly with another boy.

George:
Okay, we talked to Carmen, and it's all out in the open, okay? So nobody has to sneak around anymore.

Noah:
Well, thank god, 'cause I thought you'd be mad at Carmen.

Angie:
Why would we be mad at her? She can't help who she falls for.

Noah:
Because she was sure you guys would freak if you knew she was seeing Zack.

Angie:
Zack?

George:
Zack Powers?

Noah:
Um, actually...

George:
Wait, wait, wait, wait! She was seeing Zack Powers behind our back, and you were her cover?

[after Noah said that Carmen is really dating Zack Powers and attempts to excuse himself]

Noah:
Look, I'm really sorry about this. I mean, you guys are so nice to me and your mother, I really enjoyed meeting your mother, she was--

George:
[interrupting] Enough of your lies! Out! I enjoyed meeting your mother, Ta Loca. I enjoyed meeting your mother.

Carmen:
I don't believe you!

Benny:
Showtime, monkeys!

Carmen:
You can't threaten my boyfriend!

George:
The fake, gay, cover boyfriend, or the boyfriend you've been seeing behind our backs for a month?

Carmen:
You read my diary?! I hate you!

George:
I know! It's written on every page in here. [reads the diary] "I hate Dad! God, I hate Dad!" "Hey, old lady! Hang up the miniskirt! You're not 15 anymore!" [to Angie] Oh, that one's about you.

Carmen:
You had no right to read this.

Angie:
You've lost all your rights by lying to us, and if we have to look in your diary to find the truth about Zack, we'll do it.

Carmen:
Oh, you wanna know the truth?! Well, here it is! I'm dating Zack because I love him and he loves me too!

Angie:
Carmen, he doesn't love you. He's just using you.

George:
Look, he told me he was gonna dump you as soon as he gets you into bed. Wake up!

Carmen:
You're lying! You hate him so much, you'd say anything to keep us apart!

George:
Yeah? Did I make up that he vandalized the factory? That he got a girl pregnant?

Angie:
He didn't respect the girl enough to be safe.

Carmen:
No, no, no. You guys don't understand Zack. His dad was never there for him, and his mom's a bitter, old drunk. You have no idea what that's like.

[George thinks how Zack's life is just like his life and he looks at Benny who feels guilty. She tries to hide her beer behind her purse]

George:
[to Benny] You wanna field that one? [to Carmen] Okay, you know what? End of discussion. Okay, we did not raise you this far so you can screw up your life with Zack, so there is no way in hell that you are ever gonna see him again!

Carmen:
You can't stop me, 'cause I'm almost 16. I'm almost a woman. I can do whatever I want.

George:
Not as long as you live in this house. Okay, if you don't like it here, go live somewhere else.

Angie:
George, please calm down.

George:
Look, I'm not gonna calm down, Angie! I'm tired of her disrespecting us! [to Carmen] Go see what it's like out there! Send us a postcard!

Angie:
George!

George:
And don't expect me to come looking for you!

Carmen:
I wish you weren't my dad.

George:
Max let me in the garage

Max:
Grandpa said not to let anyone in his garage

Max:
Cool can I go to school in my underwear too

George:
Give me the combination

Max:
Wait maybe it's 24-61-32

George:
There's no 61

Max:
Okay 42-32-16 darn it 23-15-32 no

George:
He gave a combination to a dyslexia fifth grader, the man is an a evil genius