Hellcats, Season 1

Savannah:
(about cheerleaders) We are an internationally recognized competitive sport. We spend 20 hours a week practicing. We bench press twice our body weight and run a 7-minute mile. We compete with broken thumbs and twisted ankles, smiling through the pain. We are athletes.

Marti:
Back in Dollywood, maybe.

Dan [to Marti]:
Hey, you are mighty. You are Bat Girl.

Marti:
You are blindly optimistic.

Marti:
Oh hey, I'm one of the new girls, Marti.

Alice:
I know who you are. I voted against you. I was overruled. Democracy's a bitch.

Marti:
Apparently, so are you.

Marti:
You know, I don't trust any culture that builds pyramids. Human or otherwise. You know, Egyptians enslaved the Jews.

Dan:
Aztecs, human sacrifices.

Marti:
Freemasons put pyramids on money giving us (pauses) Dan Brown.

Dan:
They've earned their spot in hell.

Marti:
Right next to the cheerleaders.

Dan:
Plenty of time to ponder the imponderable.

Marti:
Today's topic?

Dan:
Okay, what makes a person decide to become a cheerleader?

Marti:
Science. You know, over time all that pep builds up pressure.

Dan:
So, they have to vent.

Marti:
Otherwise their heads explode.

Vanessa:
Gather up, Hellcats! Do you feel it? Do you feel the weight? Today, one squad will qualify for regionals. No one in their right mind thinks it's gonna be us. The university, they've given us an ultimatum: place at nationals, or they will gut our program. Are you feeling the weight? Well, I'm not. I'm light as a feather. Because you are champions of the spirit. You ignore the scoreboard! Long odds are irrelevant. In the face of seemingly insurmountable adversity, you do not waver. You roll, you tumble, you fly.

Marti:
Who are those guys?

Vanessa:
Memphis Christian. The team to beat.

Marti:
Not much for showing the skin, are they?

Vanessa:
Well, Mem-Chris is a religious school. Jesus is the wind beneath their skirts.

Wanda:
(sees Marti at qualifiers) Well, Marti Beth Perkins, what a surprise to see you here. My invitation must have gotten lost in the mail.

Marti:
Mom...

Wanda:
Did you really think I wouldn't find out? I am Facebook friends with half your squad!

Marti:
Oh my God! Who are you?

Wanda [to Marti]:
I love you, and I am so proud of you, and Marti, Marti! I wouldn't miss one of your events for the whole wide world. (licks her finger and rubs Marti's face) Look at that eyeliner. You look like a truck stop tranny.

Savannah:
(referring to her dress) I bought this for my date with Dan. What does this dress say?

Marti:
Back off, this is my street corner.

Red:
(to Vanessa) You always did play hard to get. This feels like old times. What do they call it? Deja vu? I love the French. They have a name for everything!

(Marti arrives to class her class late)

Julian:
Ah, Ms. Perkins. In a court of law, what happens when one party is late?

Marti:
The, um, late party is held in contempt.

Julian:
That's correct. But that's not the real punishment. Does anyone know what the real punishment is? Mr. Pepper?

Morgan:
The judge and jury, those who dictate the outcome of your case, they won't take you seriously.

Julian:
Thank you, Mr. Pepper.

Morgan:
In the American justice system, perception is reality...

Julian:
Please stop speaking, Mr. Pepper.

Marti [to Julian]:
Thank you so much. I'm sorry to drag you down here like this.

Julian:
Well, I hope you at least learned something.

Marti:
I learned the cops around here have no problem lying.

Julian:
Everyone lies. That's my first rule for successful delegation. You work for the lie, you make it work for you.

Marti:
I won't ever forget it.

Julian:
Look, it's 6:00am. Stop kissing my ass, and start working on that assignment I gave you.

Marti:
(to Dan about Savannah) Hey, why'd she call your relationship casual? That girl wouldn't know casual if it walked right up to her and said, "Hey, yeah, whatever."

Wanda:
(about Lewis) Someone is checking us out, and by 'us', I mean you.

Marti:
Do not encourage him.

Wanda:
Why the hell not?

Marti:
He asked me out and I blew him off.

Wanda:
With that body? If you're not interested, I will take a swing at that.

Wanda:
(to Marti) You haven't dated since Aaron and that was 2 years ago, which makes you, and I say this with love, pathetic.

Wanda:
You might as well hang a sign around your neck that says, "I'm sexually frustrated." I mean, Marti, are you a lesbian? Come out to Momma.

Marti:
(about Lewis) Okay, fine, you know what? I'll go out with him. Just stop talking. Wow! Oh my gosh!

(When Marti arrives to the flag football game)

Savannah:
I'm impressed. You chose cheerleading over lawyering.

Marti:
No. You could've busted me in front of the others for faking but you didn't. I chose you over lawyering...you're a good friend.

Marti:
I like that there's a sense of history in the bobble-head community.

Savannah:
Yeah, it's really hard to make that nickname sound complimentary.

Savannah [to Marti]:
Sometimes it's hard to be mad at you.

Marti:
I'm sorry if my awesomeness confounds your narrow view of humanity.

Savannah:
And other times it's easy.

Savannah:
So, was it romantic?

Dan:
(from the bathroom) Was what romantic?

Savannah:
Your first time.

Dan:
Oh. Not remotely. It was in the back of a Buick in the middle of nowhere out off of Route 51.

Marti:
My first time was totally unexpected, okay? It was in the back of a Buick off Route 51 with somebody I never thought it would happen with.

Savannah:
Were you in love with him?

Marti:
That's a complicated question.

Savannah:
What was your first time like?

Dan:
You really wanna know?

Savannah:
Yeah. Yeah I do.

Dan:
It's not a very interesting story.

Savannah:
I don't care.

Dan:
It was high school.

Savannah:
Did you love her?

Dan:
Yeah, I guess I did. What do I know, I was 16, you know?

Alice:
(to Lewis about her father) Suppose that I had told him how you stomped all over my heart. He'd probably come to hate you for being cruel and hurtful, and when you eventually realize what a horrible mistake you made and we got back together, he'd have a very tough time forgiving you.

Marti:
I did something I regret with Dan.

Vanessa:
Savannah's Dan?

Marti:
He was my Dan first.

Marti:
No one will give me a chance to apologize, or explain, or anything. So...I just can't let myself care anymore.

Vanessa:
I think you do care. But the one thing I can't coach is desire, so if you wanna give up, so be it.

Marti:
I don't have a choice.

Vanessa:
You're as good as any of the girls in there. I can go in there and simply tell them you're flying, but I don't like to run my team that way. But if you decide that your spot on this team, in this family, is worth fighting for, I'm gonna support you.

Wanda:
My daughter is a very driven girl.

Travis:
I've noticed that. You know, she makes my life a lot better.

Wanda:
Yeah?

Travis:
Hopeful, you know, like I got a shot at getting out of this place while I'm still relatively young.

Wanda:
That is a wonderful thing for a mother to hear about her child. Thank you for that.

Marti:
Savannah, you're my best girlfriend. I don't have one of those. I never did before, and I can't lose you.

Savannah:
Well, if it helps, I enjoyed hitting you with a pillow.

Marti:
This is your first time at sectionals as a Hellcat. You have to fly.

Savannah:
I can't let you.

Marti:
This is so small but...it's something I can do for you. Something I can, I can give up for you. So let me. Please.

Savannah:
How do you explain that my ankle miraculously healed?

Marti:
Acupuncture?

Savannah:
That's good.

Alice:
Lewis and I broke up months ago.

Michael:
What?

Alice:
I didn't tell you because I knew it would disappoint you. But then I realized it didn't matter because you have been disappointing me for years. You didn't show up today and it hurt. You need to know that.

Michael:
Alice...

Alice:
Keep your flowers because I am getting on a bus to go home and they would wilt. Take some time to think about how you're gonna make this up to me. And, if you choose not to, then we'll see each other at Easter and we can both pretend I never said a word about anything. (referring to Kelly) And you're right, this one's a keeper.

Morgan:
(looking at the Hellcats calendar) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Marti:
I'm thinking, "Stop staring creepily at my photo."

Jake:
(at his press conference, taking ownership of his crime) Thank y'all for coming. This is difficult for me, but I'm afraid I've let all of you down. My friends, teammates, coaches, and our fans. I know now that an innocent man went to jail for my crime. I can't allow that to continue. And that's why I've come forward and told the District Attorney that Travis Guthrie must go free. And I must do my time.

(After Marti finishes her song at the wedding)

Dan:
You do know how to sell a song, Marti Perkins.

Marti:
Hey, you know, wedding audiences are easy. Lots of booze and optimism.

(After Dan introduces Savannah and Marti to his new girlfriend Vicki)

Savannah:
(to Marti) I don't get it, what does Dan see in her?

Marti:
Her flawless protruding breasts, I don't know.

Savannah:
I wanna punch 'em! (Marti snickers)

Simon:
(to the Hellcats) You ladies...wearing underwear?

Marti:
You guys wearing a dunce cap? You should be. You're underdressed without it.

Simon:
Touché.

Matt:
(referring to his joining the Hellcats) I'm joking.

Savannah:
Right. Yeah, I totally knew.

Matt:
Uh-uh, you didn't.

Savannah:
No, I didn't. But please don't joke about cheerleading, it gives me a nervous stomach.

Savannah:
Why are we cheering for these creeps again?

Alice:
We have to, or we lose the song.

Marti:
Lil' Kim's looking pretty attractive right about now.