Homicide: Life on the Street, Season 7

Giardello:
Homicide Beginning.

Michael Giardello:
I Agent Mike Giardello F.B.I.

Bayliss:
Life's an illusion. Reality is an illusion. You take this squadroom for instance, you know, after the big shootout. Last May, the bosses wanted to renovate. They reconfigured the whole place so that those of us who watched three uniforms die could put aside the horror of that moment and go about our jobs. That was actually quite enlightened of the bosses, really, but, it was quite futile, because this squadroom is the same squadroom, and our memories of that moment are as vivid as they ever were. All of this is just... it's an illusion.

Lewis:
Bayliss, this is your first day back on the job.

Bayliss:
Right.

Lewis:
Do me a favor? Shut up.

Bayliss:
Look, look, look, it's not a permanent thing; I'm not asking for a long term commitment.

Munch:
I understand. You stayed with Pembleton for six years, he broke your heart, and now you're just looking for a one-nighter, huh?

Bayliss:
Yeah, something like that.

Munch:
You know, this whole Zen detective thing is really starting to rub my rectum the wrong way.

Bayliss:
Well, I don't expect you to understand, unless you understand.

Munch:
That's exactly what I mean. It's like being partnered with a fortune cookie.

Falsone:
When it comes to silence, we Sicilians have a patent.

Lewis:
You see this, this is what I'm talkin' about. You see this memo from the bosses?

Sheppard:
Which one? We get three a day.

Lewis:
In an effort to maintain the pristine condition of the newly renovated squadroom, all Homicide personnel are asked not to hang personal items on the wall. This includes family photos, sports paraphernalia, and bumper stickers. Staff members are also asked not to use thumbtacks or Scotch tape to affix- and I love that word affix- any papers, schedules, or menus on said walls.

Sheppard:
Let me see that. [takes memo]

Lewis:
How long do you think we're gonna be able to maintain this pristine condition?

Sheppard:
[tacks memo to wall] Not long.

Lewis:
This place's gonna be a dump by Christmas.

Munch:
I knew about you all along, Timmy.

Bayliss:
What's that, John?

Munch:
Beneath all that dogma- you're still a dog.

Munch:
You haven't experienced the Giardello summons yet, the full force laser beam Gee-Ray; strips varnish off furniture, enamel off teeth?

Sheppard:
Not yet.

Munch:
You're in for a treat.

Lewis:
You didn't pay your taxes?

Munch:
I paid my taxes; my accountant just failed to file them.

Munch:
Mike, do you know anybody in the IRS?

Michael Giardello:
IRS?

Lewis:
Don't go there.

Munch:
I'm lookin' for information on an IRS agent. Address, phone number, marital status.

Michael Giardello:
You want me to dig up some dirt on an IRS agent?

Munch:
Isn't there some super-secret federal database that you could access?

Michael Giardello:
What are you, nuts? You don't mess with the IRS.

Munch:
But you're FBI, you could say I'm toe to toe with these guys.

Michael Giardello:
I could. The question is, why would I?

Lewis:
Leave it alone, Munchkin.

Munch:
It's not like I'm gonna stalk the guy, Mike, I just need an edge.

Bayliss:
What's that on your tie there? Is it...pesto sauce?

Griscom:
You wish.

[The squad was making a list of hip Jews, and Sammy Davis Jr. came up, although some said he was hip just because he was black]

Falsone:
So you're saying all black people are hip?

Lewis:
Name one who ain't.

Falsone:
George Washington Carver.

Michael Giardello:
Please. How many things can a white man do with a peanut?

Munch:
Shelled or unshelled?

Falsone:
I got one. Meldrick Lewis.

Munch:
Well, he is black.

Bayliss:
Yep.

Michael Giardello:
But not particularly hip.

Bayliss:
Nope.

Lewis:
What you talkin' about Willis?

Sheppard:
Point taken. I guess Sammy Davis goes back on the list.

Lewis:
No no no, hold on, let's just stop the game right here. I can be accused of a lot of things, but falling off the cutting edge is not one of 'em. Terri- am I down or am I down?

Stivers:
What?

Lewis:
Am I hip? Tell these fools.

Stivers:
Uh, you have your moments.

Lewis:
Moments?

Stivers:
I don't know, maybe, you try too hard.

Lewis:
I'm not playin' no more.

Naomi:
Boss wants to see you. Stat.

Bayliss:
Stat? Been watching those wretched medical dramas again?

Lewis:
[referring to Michael] Little Gee.

Munch:
Chip off the old boulder.

Griscom:
So many bodies, so little time...

Giardello:
[to woman] Are you a lawyer? I hate lawyers.

Falsone:
There are moments when I actually begin to believe.

Stivers:
Believe what?

Falsone:
That we work for God.

Stivers:
John Munch without a newspaper? That's like a drug dealer without a pager.

Falsone:
[to Kellerman] You work for the dollar, I work for justice.

Danvers:
[to Kellerman] I remember when the truth mattered to you more than your paycheck.

Bayliss:
Kellerman's a dog. A Jack Russell terrier. He sinks his teeth in your butt and won't let go.

Gharty:
I have bought enough damn spatulas.

Bayliss:
Resentment is like you taking poison and hoping the other guy's gonna die.

Lewis:
If a Jamaican drug dealer falls in an alley and there's no one there to hear him, does he make a sound?

Lewis:
No way, no how, nobody's gonna beat my partner down like that, take her weapon, and use it to shoot up my lid. I ain't gonna hear that.

Lewis:
I'm Homicide. I'm workin' on a murder of a young brother who was killed this afternoon in an alley off the Heights. Now, I know what the talk is. I know a lot of people 'round the way are sayin' that maybe the police did this, maybe the police killed that boy. Well, I'm here to tell you right here, right now, I think that just might be true. And because I think that might be true, me and my partner was up on a house on Homeland Avenue lookin' for a witness, we were lookin' for somebody to tell us what might've happened to Paxton Smart. And if that witness up and puts in a police officer for killin' that young brother then so be it. That's what we was workin' on when my partner got her ass kicked and her gun took. That sister was beat by a black man. And she's up in a hospital right now, coughin' up blood. Now one of two things can happen here. Number one, that gun comes back. Not tomorrow, not the next day, but tonight. And number two, we ain't never gonna see that weapon again. And if that's the case, every policeman in the world is gonna come down to lower Park Heights, and y'all gonna wish you had never heard of Baltimore, Maryland. That gun comes back to me, or my crew is gonna give y'all crew a real reason to riot. Hear me, I want that gun.

Lewis:
[to Sheppard] I got you covered. [Hands her her gun]

Griscom:
I have a discretionary slush fund.

Munch:
I would kill to have a slush fund.

Griscom:
How do you think I got mine?

Munch:
Life should come with a money-back guarantee- if not completely satisfied, return unused portion for a full refund.

Giardello:
I'm short detectives!

Bayliss:
Translation, "Where are we on Cullen?"

Giardello:
Very good Bayliss, you speak Shift Lieutenant.

Bayliss:
Well, I've had practice.

Lewis:
A spoon.

Munch:
I hate to disappoint you, Meldrick, but that's not the murder weapon.

Bayliss:
I killed a suspect.

Gee:
The suspect drew his weapon first?

Bayliss:
Yeah.

Giardello:
The suspect fired first?

Bayliss:
Yeah.

Giardello:
The suspect attempted to use deadly force and you responded. It's a clean shoot.

Bayliss:
I killed a man.

Bayliss:
I am a cop.

Lewis:
Yeah. And, you know, for my money, you're a pretty damn good cop.

Bayliss:
Yeah, but not a very good Buddhist.

Bayliss:
What I have is, I have a second in time. I have a split second in an abandoned building with a gun in my hand and every instinct is telling me who I am at that moment. That's what I got left and that's all I got left...and I'm a homicide cop.

Lewis:
[sighs] Well, since you're no longer a Buddhist, you gotta look at the bright side, huh? You can have a couple of brewskis.

Bayliss:
No, thanks.

Lewis:
Oh come on, you can have one beer.

Bayliss:
No. Beer ain't the answer either.

Lewis:
[to Ballard] Observe. [To crowd]] All right, now, here's the dealio. The low bottom dog that tore this bar up and robbed everybody in it, he killed one man, and he cut another one. Now, before you all start thinking maybe you gotta protect this young brother from the criminal injustice system, let me point somethin' out. The mook that perpetrated this crime was a white man. Now I know in my heart that somebody is gonna come forward that maybe saw that getaway car. [Boy raises hand] My man.

Boy:
What's up with that country-ass hat?

Carey:
I like my pizza basic, that way you know what you're getting.

Michael Giardello:
A basic pie.

Bayliss:
Seven years ago, I walked in here with a filebox and a lot of idealism. I had a clear vision of justice and morality. And no matter what has happened to me, whatever's happened around me, I still have that.

Giardello:
Maybe. But on this job I've seen people change, and sometimes for the worse. And those who change the most are the ones who don't admit it.

Falsone:
We need to talk to you about your daughter-in-law, Joanna.

Woman:
Go ahead, tell me.

Falsone:
It's not the kinda thing you want screamed through the door.

Woman:
She dead?

Falsone:
Yes.

Woman:
Okay, thanks, goodbye.

Falsone:
No, Mrs. McQueen, we need to ask you about her death. You see, she was murdered.

Woman:
Murdered?

Falsone:
Yes.

Woman:
Stupid bitch.

Lewis:
[to Bayliss] You've been around this dump for seven years and you still ain't learned the key to good murder police, which is this: Whatever you see, whoever's around you; you keep them at a distance. But not you. You come up on a crime scene, the first thing you wanna do is put a chalk outline around yourself.

Danvers:
We'll get Luke Ryland, Tim.

Bayliss:
Yeah, I know. These things, they just take time. Patience. Of course, being a murder police, I've learned one inescapable truth. Justice is a bitch.

Lewis:
No witnesses, no fingerprints, no shell casings, no clues of any kind. No leads of any sort.

Sheppard:
Whoever killed Ryland sure knew what he was doing.

Lewis:
Or she.

Sheppard:
Yeah.

Lewis:
If I could just find this thing, I could go home.

Sheppard:
You won't find what you're lookin' for.

Lewis:
What?

Sheppard:
It's a mystery.

Lewis:
Huh?

Sheppard:
Life is a mystery. Just accept it.

Lewis:
Yeah, well, that's what's wrong with this job. Ain't got nothin' to do with life.

Emergency Room Doctor:
The victim's name is Scotty Meyers, gunshot to the head.

Ballard:
Did he say anything about who shot him?

Emergency Room Doctor:
No, ADASTW.

Gharty:
What?

Emergency Room Doctor:
Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way.

Bayliss:
That's a book that I got for Rene.

Munch:
Zen for Beginners?

Bayliss:
Yeah, she was asking me some questions about Buddhism.

Munch:
And you're concerned with her spiritual well-being.

Bayliss:
Absolutely. Well, y'know, probably I'm also thinking she might go out with me.

Munch:
Let me get this straight: you're interested in Rene romantically?

Bayliss:
Yeah. Yeah, why not? She's single, she's beautiful, and she's very open-minded.

Munch:
I knew about you all along, Timmy.

Bayliss:
What's that, John?

Munch:
Beneath all that dogma- you're still a dog.

Lewis:
How the hell could Susan Dehen not know she was sleeping with her boyfriend's brother.

Munch:
Well, you said they looked exactly alike, right?

Sheppard:
Yeah, but in bed, there's a lot more going on than the visuals.

Lewis:
Sound...

Sheppard:
Taste...

Lewis:
Smell...

Sheppard:
Touch...

Munch:
Cable.

Munch:
It's like this dream I had when I was a kid: first day of school, wandering around the halls, looking for the right classroom. People are staring at me, and this girl I had a crush on - Helen Rosenbaum - she's laughing and pointing at me, and I realized I didn't get dressed. I'm buck naked. All I have on is my shoes and socks.

Lewis:
Black socks?

Munch:
Argyle.

Lewis:
I had that dream.

Munch:
Everybody has that dream. It's the human condition in a nutshell.

Munch:
Bayliss, don't give me any zen song and dance about how money is an illusion, taxes are an illusion, the IRS is an illusion.

Bayliss:
On the contrary, John, money is Mara, the Destroyer, the Evil One.

Munch:
The Zapruder film's out on VHS and DVD, as if there's a choice.

Billie Lou Hatfield:
DVD, definitely. Gotta have that freeze frame, stop action, enhancement capability.

Munch:
One night after work, we should open a bottle of zinfandel and watch the Zapruder film frame by frame and see which ones are missing.

Billie Lou Hatfield:
Twenty-six seconds of the most compelling footage ever filmed.

Munch:
The woman of my dreams.

Falsone:
[the detectives are discussing Baltimore landmarks] Baltimore is a city of many splendors but the greatest architectural feat: Madonna's bra.

Stivers:
[incredulous] What?

Lewis:
Yeah, Madonna's bra. The sewage treatment plant on East Point. Them two golden cones just stickin' up outta nowhere.

Stivers:
Madonna's bra.

Gharty:
[chuckling] That's what the East Siders call it.

Falsone:
Two golden orbs shimmering in the moonlight, towering over the landscape.

Stivers:
I don't think I've ever seen it.

Falsone:
Are you serious?

Gharty:
To die without viewing it would mark an incomplete life.

McCoy:
Why did you have Purcell take the body to New York? Why not just leave it in Baltimore?

Walter Boyce:
When you've got someone working for the White House telling you they want some bitch to be itched, the drama's going to be thick. I got business interests in Baltimore; you know that. I figured I drop the body somewhere else. Besides, Chesley wanted to see some show on Broadway. Uh, some musical thing with a lion. Part of the contract was that I got a hold of some seats for her.

Munch:
You paid a hitter with tickets to "The Lion King"?

Walter Boyce:
Third row, orchestra.

Briscoe:
Get ready for a federal subpoena.

Sheppard:
What are you talking about?

Briscoe:
Well, they laid one on us in New York this morning. They took every bit of evidence we had on this case. I figure you folks are next.

Munch:
You drove 200 miles south to tell us that? Good job, Paul Revere.

Briscoe:
I'm on my way to Washington anyway. You got a cup of coffee?

Sheppard:
What's going on there?

Briscoe:
The Independent Counsel shanghaied Chesley Purcell's shooter. When they found out he had nothing to say about any of the President's men, they got bored with him. They're returning him to our custody, and McCoy wants me to transport him back to Rikers, put him on suicide watch.

Munch:
You're telling me that Ned Burks killed Chesley Purcell over a lesbian's love lost? Yeah, and Jack Ruby was a grieving patriot.

Briscoe:
A cancer-ridden, grieving patriot.

Munch:
Lennie, you precious rube! Amazing how all those years on the mean streets of New York have had so little effect on your sweet, childlike brain.

Bayliss:
Welcome back, Lennie!

Briscoe:
Bayliss, right?

Bayliss:
Yeah.

[they shake hands]

Bayliss:
So, as a rule, you can only cross the Mason-Dixon line if you bring a really screwed-up case with you?

Briscoe:
Hey; if it doesn't make sense, it belongs in Baltimore - right?

Briscoe:
[referring to Ned Burks] I specifically asked the shift commander to put him on suicide watch. Unfortunately, at Rikers Island that seems to mean they stand around and watch you commit suicide.

McCoy:
You son of a bitch! You offered Dawkins immunity to get whatever you can on the Administration.

Danvers:
But you refused immunity to Walter Boyce, who's already doing life in prison, just so you can torpedo our case.

William Dell:
There are larger issues at stake. This is more than a murder here.

Danvers:
[scoffs] More than a murder?

William Dell:
Corruption at the highest level.

McCoy:
What proof do you have? Dawkins has no corroboration. All you've got is innuendo and allegation!

Danvers:
That's all he needs. He set it up so that is case will never get to court! You don't want a jury trial - a chance to determine who's guilty and who's not.

Dennis Kohler:
[about the temple having deadbolts on the doors] We're spiritual, we're not stupid.

Lewis:
And for that matter, d'you ever know anybody in the witness protection program, or know anybody who knows anybody in the witness protection program?

Falsone:
Nobody knows. That's the point, they're invisible. Just like the Nielsen families.

Munch:
[to Jay Faris] What are you gonna do, hit me? C'mon, hit me!... Or do you only hit women? Stay away from the girl, Faris.

Ballard:
[after Lewis and Falsone leave the room] Ah, the cloud of testosterone has risen!

Munch:
Billie Lou, how many husbands have you had?

Billie Lou Hatfield:
Three...

Munch:
And how many wives have I had?

Billie Lou Hatfield:
Three...

Munch:
That's six exes between us!

Pembleton:
Do you think you mean anything to anybody, do you think, in this city?

Homeless Guy:
No.

Pembleton:
But I'm here, I'm extending you my kindness. I give you what you want out of goodwill and it's not about a dollar. If you ask me for ten, I'll give you ten, a hundred, you got it. I'm respecting you. But you gonna sit there and piss on me? I'm gonna send you to hell, Mr. I ain't got a name, so feel sorry for my moocher ass.

Pembleton:
You know why I left Homicide?

Bayliss:
Why?

Pembleton:
Because I could not hear one more confession. I got sick of hearing people confess to me. Like some Jesuit, I'd just sit there in the box listening to some guy, not only admit to having just killed someone, but cop to all the other crap in his life that, over the course of his life, had led him to that point.

Bayliss:
You would have made a great Jesuit, Frank.

Bayliss:
I know how James feels. Gotta stop those that are gonna hurt the innocent.

Pembleton:
James is a lunatic. Certifiable.

Bayliss:
His son gets killed. He's gotta do something. Hey, say, uh, say one of your kids gets hooked on drugs.

Pembleton:
One of my kids what?

Bayliss:
Gets hooked.

Pembleton:
They wouldn't.

Bayliss:
Well, just say that they did.

Pembleton:
They're not going to. It's not gonna happen. Case closed.

Bayliss:
So you have no sympathy for James, for what he's going through.

Pembleton:
James is trying to lay the blame on Gee because in his heart of hearts he knows he's responsible for what happened to his kid.

Bayliss:
I appreciate how he feels.

Pembleton:
Well, you can appreciate it all you want to, Tim, but there's a line between right and wrong.

Bayliss:
Yeah, well you're the expert on that, Frank. Nothin' lumpy about you. You know all.

Bayliss:
Time for one more Confession,Frank.

Pembleton:
Hello. I'm Frank Pembleton.

Michael Giardello:
Mike Giardello.

Pembleton:
I heard about Gee. I'm sorry.

Michael Giardello:
Thanks, for catching the man who killed my father.

Pembleton:
I'm good at catching the bad guys. Caught me a couple tonight. A lot of people have worked in this squadroom over the years. A lot of 'em have died. Beau Felton got killed in the line of duty. Steve Crosetti committed suicide. To this day nobody knows why.

Michael Giardello:
Do you miss it? Homicide?

Pembleton:
I don't know. It's not like you can escape it, you know. Death is everyday. Death goes on and on and on.

Michael Giardello:
And that 's because life goes on and on.

Crosetti:
Hey hey hey.

Felton:
Gee.

Giardello:
Felton?

Crosetti:
We've been waitin' for you.

Giardello:
Crosetti?

Crosetti:
Have a seat. Okay, jack of spades for Mr. Beau Felton, a ten of diamonds for my esteemed Lieutenant, and a whole lot a' nothing for the little Italian salami-brain.

Giardello:
What are we playing?

Crosetti:
Five card stud.

Giardello:
Who's the fourth chair for?

Felton:
We don't know yet. But they'll be here sooner or later.

Giardello:
Anybody I know?

Crosetti:
Maybe. It's not like it's written in stone, it's not preordained or anything, Lieutenant.

Giardello:
I suddenly got worried. My son, he's a cop. I thought maybe-

Crosetti:
I wouldn't worry, Lieutenant. Life is short, but once you're dead, you're long time dead, if you know what I mean.

Felton:
Your son?

Giardello:
Michael.

Felton:
He's a good kid?

Giardello:
Yes.

Felton:
You taught him well?

Giardello:
I tried my best. I wish -

Crosetti:
Gee, no regrets, huh?

Felton:
You know what the best thing about this place is? All the worries and cares that you had in life? They don't matter anymore. Rest in Peace means what it says.