Invader Zim, Season 1

Tallest Red:
Welcome mighty Irken soldiers! You are the finest examples of military training the Irken army has to offer! Good for you. Standing behind us, however, are the soldiers we've chosen for roles in one of the most crucial parts in Operation Impending Doom II! [mockingly] You in the audience just get to sit and watch.

Tallest Purple:
You should have tried harder!

Tallest Red:
Oh, and remember; LASERS!

Tallest Purple:
[a laser hits his eye] AAAAH!!!

Tallest Purple:
Besides, no invader has ever been so.. very small. You're very small, Zim. You're a tiny thing.

Zim:
But invader's blood marches through my veins like giant RADIOACTIVE RUBBER PANTS! The pants command me! Do not ignore my veins!

GIR:
GIR, reporting for duty.

Zim:
"GIR"? What does the G stand for?

GIR:
[confused] I don't know! [pauses, then begins screaming and hitting himself]

Zim:
Ummm, is it supposed to be stupid?

Tallest Purple:
It's not stupid; [sarcastically] it's advanced!

Zim:
[disguised as a human] Hello, friends. I am a perfectly normal human worm-baby. You have nothing, absolutely nothing, to fear from me. Just pay no attention to me and we'll get along just fine.

Dib:
And what about his horrible green head?!?

Zim:
Insolent fool boy! It's a... skin condition.

Dib:
And he's got no ears! Is that part of your "skin condition," Zim? No ears?!?

Zim:
[looking sad] Yes.

Ms. Bitters:
Don't forget that tonight is Parent Teacher Night. Everyone is required to bring their parents to the cafeteria.

Zim:
I never agreed to attend this Parent Teacher Night!

Ms. Bitters:
Yes, you did.

Zim:
No! You lie! [makes wild scratching motions with his arms] YOU LIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

[Ms. Bitters puts a disc into a computer. The chalkboard slides down revealing a screen showing Zim]

Ms Bitters:
[on video] Zim, are you going to bring your parents to Parent Teacher Night?

Zim:
[on video, not paying attention] Yeah, sure, whatever.

[Zim looks up at a ceiling-mounted video camera]

Zim:
Why would you tape that?

Dib:
See you and your parents tonight, Zim.

Zim:
Yes... Oh, I will bring my "parents", and they shall be the greatest, most parental parents EVER!

Dib:
[in Zim's thought bubble] See you AND your parents tonight, Zim! And by the way, it's not called "Parent Teacher Night." It's called Zim Doom...Doom Zim...Zimmy...Doom night. [chortles] Watch out for that puppy.

[Zim trips over the puppy]

GIR:
I love this show.

Mr. Elliot:
It's nice to meet you, Professor. I'm Mr. Elliot, huh? Your daughter Gaz's teacher?

[Gaz groans in annoyance]

Membrane:
[transmitting from his lab on a floating monitor] I'm sorry, but I'm very busy right now. We're testing some highly unstable- [gasps, alerts going off] No! You have the mixture all wrong!

[A large explosion occurs across town, people turn to stare at the screen as it plays elevator music with a "Please Stand By" appearing]

Robot Dad:
[after his arm blows up] That was my squeezing arm. They took my squeezing arm! WHY MY SQUEEZING ARM?!? AAAAAGGGHHH!!

Robot Mom:
Honey is it?

Robot Dad:
Yep....Diarrhea "[groans]"

Smeet Zim:
[hugs a robot arm] I love you cold, unfeeling robot arm!

GIR:
Do we have to go right now? I wanna watch The Scary Monkey Show.

Zim:
[darkly] That monkey...

Zim:
Where is our house?

GIR:
Um... There... No, no, wait... It's over there...

Zim:
How could you not know?! I just upgraded your guidance system!

GIR:
Oh. I left that at home.

Zim:
You left what at home?

GIR:
The guidy chippy thingy.

Zim:
You! Why would you do that?!?

GIR:
To make room for the cupcake!

Zim:
Be alert GIR. On this planet, we are surrounded by danger and MADNESS!

GIR:
Ooh, I like madness!

Zim:
By using these pieces of scrap metal, I shall fashion a compass, using this planet's own magnetic field against it. Now! Witness the power of my compass!

[The compass magnetically attaches itself to GIR's chest]

GIR:
Awww, it likes me!

Zim:
[to bus driver] You expect me to pay to ride this filthy machine? Have you the brain worms?!

GIR:
Are we gonna ride the sun home?

Zim:
No, GIR, the earth sun sets in the west. Staring at it should give me our relative position. Now watch me amaze you. [Stares at the sun until his eyes burn and crust over] Wait a minute... I'M BLIND!!!! [runs around screaming, with GIR giggling and chasing him] They've booby-trapped their sun somehow!!

Zim:
[to cab driver] You think I wont be ready, but you're wrong, presumptuous cab beast! I have prepared myself for this moment and it has paid off in full! You see, the Invaders learn from their mistakes, however rare they may be! Now human, take me to [thinks for a moment then points in a random direction] that way, and quickly! In case you haven't noticed, I've been trying to go home!

Zim:
I'm looking for a friend. Would you be-

Dirge:
I was born with webbed fish toes. Like some kind of...horrible fish boy. Wanna see?

Zim:
I want to congratulate you, Keef, on a job well done. You have been a most convincing friend, but now that the world seems satisfied with my knack for companionship, I don't think I'll be requiring your services any longer. Our mission together is done, [salutes briefly] good job soldier, be gone with you.

[The phone rings, Zim answers it]

Zim:
Hello?

Keef:
Hey ya buddy!

Zim:
Keef? I told you, I do not require your-

Keef:
I understand, Zim. I was just thinking that maybe we could-

[Phone beeps]

Zim:
Hang on, I've got another call. [pushes button on the phone] Hello?

Keef:
Hey ya buddy! You're gonna love the circus!

[Zim stares at the phone and rips it out of the wall]

Zim:
What are you doing, GIR?

GIR:
Nothing...

Zim:
Nothing... or something?

GIR:
Oh, I can't take it, you're too smart for me. Keef is planning a s'prise party for you after skool. He gonna bring all the kids because he loves you! [crying] That boy loves you so much! [stops crying] I'm makin' the cake!

Zim:
He's bringing all the children to our secret lair? Do you realize what this means?

GIR:
Yes! Wait a minute...no.

Zim:
It means the mission is in jeopardy!

GIR:
Aw man! [hums happily]

Keef:
You don't like waffles?

Zim:
I'm not in your TV. I'm transmitting from…inside your body! Spooky, yes? At this very moment I'm inside a microscopic submersible somewhere in your disgusting belly attached to your arm control nerve!

Dib:
Arm control nerve?

Zim:
Yes. Arm control nerve.

Dib:
In my...belly?

Zim:
Yes.

Dib:
Humans don't have arm control nerves!

Zim:
Do not question me! I control your arms!!

Dib:
ARMS...LIKE...NOOOOOOODLES!!

Zim:
Hahahahahaha..ARG! Idiotic human! I'll just go to your brain and delete the knowlege of where you hid the master disk! And, as an added bonus, I might as well make your entire brain...nn-not smart...no more.

Dib:
AAAHHHAAOOH!

Zim:
Now let's see where you are keeping the location of the disk, Dib!

[Zim scans Dib's brain. A target appears on his console]

Zim:
There!

[Zim fires a laser at the point indicated on the console]

Dib:
He's in my head! Knowledge losing... brain... poop. I can't remember where the file is! Gaz, he did it! He made me forget!

Gaz:
Quiet, Dib!

Zim:
And now to unleash stupidity on your entire brain!

Gaz:
What game is that?

Dib:
This is no game THIS IS MY LIFE!!

Zim:
Hmmmmmmm...ahhhhhh! The stink of clean. Another win for the Irken army. Clean, lemony-fresh victory is mine!

GIR:
I'm gonna roll around on the floor for a little bit, 'kay?

[GIR proceeds to roll around, spreading germs all over the spotless base]

Zim:
GIR, what are you doing? Stop immediately! You're disgusting!

GIR:
...Awww, somebody needs a hug!

Zim:
Nononono, no, GIR, no!! [attempts to spray GIR]

GIR:
I'm gonna hug you!

Zim:
Germs, chewing on my squeedly-spooch. Not my squeedly-spooch you don't!

[Zim is talking with the Tallest via a large monitor]

Zim:
Sirs! I apologize for not reporting in, but- excuse me.

[Zim sprays some germs offscreen]

Zim:
...all is going well, nothing too big to report, aside to the usual- oh, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT ONE!!

[Zim sprays again and empties it]

Zim:
The disinfectant, it's almost gone! All hope is lost if I don't find more! Clever! I won't give up! I'll destroy you! And you! And you! And yoooouuu!

[Zim cuts the transmission]

Tallest Purple:
Did that scare you too?

[Tallest Red nods]

Zim:
[zooms in on single germ] HAH! [jumps over to germ and starts to spray vigorously with Germ Spray]

Germ:
[starts to choke and gag on Germ Spray]

Zim:
[continues to spray germ]

Germ:
[in extremely high-pitched voice] WHYYYYYYY?!? [falls over dead]

Zim:
[sprays the germ again]

[A student is hit in the stomach by a dodgeball]

Zootch:
Aah! M-My organs!

Zim:
[laughs] Inferior human organs!

[Zim is hit in the stomach by a dodgeball]

Zim:
Augh! My squeedly-spooch!

Dib:
Squeedly-spooch? Did you hear that, Gaz? That's no human organ! Humans don't have squeedly-spooches!

Gaz:
[sarcastically] I've got a squeedly-spooch.

Ms. Bitters:
Zim!

Zim:
[saluting] Sir!

Ms. Bitters:
There's a pigeon on your head. You've got head pigeons. Get to the nurse before they spread to the other children!

Zim:
Yes, Ms. Bitters.

[Zim walks towards the door]

Ms. Bitters:
No leaving class without a hall pass, Zim.

Zim:
Of course...

[Zim walks to Ms. Bitters' desk. She puts a collar around his head. It shrinks around his neck]

Ms. Bitters:
If you leave skool grounds, it will explode.

[Dib, obsessing over Zim, snaps a pencil in half. He sticks half up his nose]

Dib:
Ms Bitters, I think a pencil is lodged in my brain. Can I go to the nurse?

Ms. Bitters:
How far in your brain?

Dib:
[looks down] Pretty far...

Ms. Bitters:
All right. Take the auxiliary hall pass. [points to a radiator with 'Hall Pass' spray-painted on the side]

Hall Monitor:
Hey! Where's your hall pass?

Zim:
Say...you're full of organs, aren't you?

Hall Monitor:
Why yes. Yes I am.

Zim:
And you wouldn't notice if you were, say, missing a few?

Hall Monitor:
Probably not.

[Zim starts laughing evilly and Hall Monitor joins in]

Dib:
That's it, Zim! This has to stop!

Zim:
I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.

Dib:
Look at you! You've gone too far! You're a hideous blob of stolen organs!

Zim:
I've been working out...

[Zim vomits an intestine, then sucks it back into his mouth and smiles]

Dib:
You think you can fool a trained medical professional?

Zim:
Yes.

Dib:
I suppose you've got a heart in there?

Zim:
Six of them.

Dib:
Intestines?

Zim:
Large or small?

Dib:
Spleen?

Zim:
In three different colors.

Dib:
What about lungs?

[Zim, piloting his Voot Cruiser, scares a police officer driving his car, causing him to fall from a bridge onto a weenie restaurant]

Zim:
Human law enforcing machine. Markings: Lighty flashy things on top. Defensive capability: minimal.

[The police car explodes]

Zim:
Explodes on impact with giant meat. Evaluation: Pathetic! Pathetic Earth vehicle!!

Zim:
Ruined. Ruined! Irken engineering reduced to...this! Surely that was no human bee! Once I take care of the humans, I will begin my war against...the bees!

Zim:
Don't come any closer! Don't try anything on me or I'll...I'll...I'll lay eggs in your stomach! I mean it!

Zim:
GIR! I've been captured!

Gir:
YAY!

Zim:
No, that's bad GIR!

Gir:
YAY!

Desmond Flapp:
You're the one we've been waiting for! The one foretold in the prophecies, told by... Frank!

Frank:
Yup. Told you he'd come.

Government Man:
[in robotic voice] I am Government Man, come from the government. The government has sent me. [zooms inside to see GIR piloting the robot] [walks over to Zim] Ohohoho. He is not an alien lifeform. He is an experimental government aircraft!

Dib:
What's the matter, Zim? Don't they have rain on your planet?

Zim:
Of course! We...oh, such rain we had! Eh...it was...delicious!

[Zim is carrying Gaz to protect himself from the rain]

Gaz:
If you want to keep all your limbs, Zim, you will put me down. You will put me down, NOW!

Gaz:
That was your fate of the world work? Jumping in a puddle?! You do realize I have to destroy you now.

Dib:
It was worth it. Score 1 for the human race, score NOTHING for the Zim... thingy... race.

Gaz:
I will destroy you.

Dib:
I swear, sometimes I amaze myself at how amazingly I-

Zim:
...How amazingly you fall into a puddle? I agree!

Zim:
GIR, I'll be down in the lab bathing in paste. Don't disturb me. AAAAAAAH! MY HEAD GOT STUCK! GIR, HELP I CANT BREATHE! I-

Dib:
What does identifying blotches have to do with determining our future careers?

Ms. Bitters:
Oh, you poor doomed child.

Ms. Bitters:
Zim, the machine says that the only career you are suitable for is-

Zim:
Yes, yes! Lord of humans! I will rule you all with an iron fist!

Ms. Bitters:
No, Zim. The machine has assigned you a career in fast food preparation.

Zim:
Then I will prepare food with my iron fist! Then I will work my way up to ruling you all with my fist! [to Melvin] You! [shakes fist in Melvin's face] Obey the fist!

Dib:
A crop circle?

Bill:
Beautiful, isn't it? It's a message from creatures much more intelligent than us! Space beings who have traveled millions of light years to say something, but what does it mean?

Dib:
I think this one's a fake.

Bill:
You're one of those skeptics, aren't you? Always questioning, always picking away at my theories! One day you'll see that-

[Dib points to cow rolling around, making the crop circle]

Dib:
Now can we go to McMeaties please? It's 4:45, if we hurry, we can make it!

Bill:
Hmmm...the aliens must be controlling the cow...

Dib:
That is not a supernatural cow! This is ridiculous! You believe in all the stupidest things when real proof is right under your nose!

[Gaz is about to take a bite from the last slice of pizza. Dib takes it from her]

Dib:
Oh yeah!! Thanks, Gaz! Don't wanna starve to death while saving the world!

Gaz:
Let it be known that from this day until the end of the day, vengeance will be mine! Dib, you will not know the meaning of peace for I shall rain misery down upon your pizza-stealing heart!

Dib:
How am I supposed to know what Dad's first sentient thought was?

Gaz:
It was "I will poop now." It's all here in his autobiography.

[A random fangirl wearing a Prof. Membrane bust hat appears and cuts them off.]

Fangirl #1:
That's not it! It's-

[Fangirl is interrupted as Gaz pushes her away.]

[A girl turns in her audience admission exam to a robot]

Exam Robot:
94%. Your score is...unacceptable!

[The girl's desk races backwards to a door which slams shut after she goes into it. Dib turns in his exam]

Exam Robot:
94.1%. Your score is...acceptable! Congratulations!

[The robot plays a tiny fanfare and shoots confetti]

Dib:
Okay, that was annoying. But at least it was easy.

Dib:
Cyb-arachno? Spider Robots? Do spiders have robots?

Zim:
GIR! Come to the observatory!

GIR:
Yes?

Zim:
What have you done to the telescope?

GIR:
Nothin'.

Zim:
You haven't touched it? Something is broken and it's not your fault?

GIR:
I know...I'm scared too...

Nik:
Look at that, binary system. That's a pair of stars orbiting around each other. You ever been to a binary system?

Oog-ah:
No.

Nik:
Would it kill you to say something?

Oog-ah:
Quiet or I'll eat your head. Is that enough words for you?

Zim:
What do you think you're doing?

Nik:
Well, you see that planet back there?

[Zim looks at the Earth, which is being towed behind them]

Zim:
Yes.

Nik:
We're going to throw it into our sun. Why? You got a problem with that?

Oog-ah:
That one's gonna burn real good. Lots of critters. Critters burn good.

Zim:
The Earth is safe! I did it, GIR! Now let's go destroy it!

GIR:
Yay!

GIR:
Tell me a story about giant pigs!

Zim:
I laugh at your pitiful attempt at spying! Here I go. [laughs]

Dib:
Go on! Laugh! But one day, you'll be sitting in your house feeling all safe and secure, and then you'll look over and I'll be there, doin' stuff!

Zim:
Stuff?!? In my home?!? Never! You'd have to find some kind of flaw in my security net! Since that could never possibly happen, you'll have to do your "stuff" elsewhere! [pauses] You haven't discovered some kind of a flaw, have you?

Dib:
Let's just say your home defenses could use some tightening...

Zim:
Nothing breaches my defenses, nothing! You hear me, squirrel-boy? Nothing! [A Bloaty's Pizza delivery guy comes to the door and GIR answers] Hey! Hey!

Bloaty's Pizza Guy:
Here's the pizza you or-dered!

GIR:
Thank you.... [starts crying] I-I love you!

Zim:
GIR! We fend humans away from our home, not invite them over!

GIR:
[leaves] I had a coupon!

Zim:
Why was there BACON IN THE SOAP?!

GIR:
[screaming] I made it myself!!!

Dib:
You can't make me look! I'll just shut my eyes!

[Dib closes his eyes]

Zim:
Oh, you'll open them. You have to breathe sometime.

Dib:
No, I- wait, what do my eyes have to do with breathing?

[Dib opens his eyes and gets hypnotized]

Dib:
[hypnotized] I will tell Pustulio everything...[snaps out of it] Nyahh! No! Must... keep... control! [gets hypnotized again] Pustulio is my friend... [snaps out of it again] It's a pimple! Nothing more than a-! Nyahh! I... I... [gets hypnotized yet again] I... love Pustulio...

Zim:
And Pustulio loves you, too. Release him, Smacky. He is part of the collective now.

[Smacky lets go of Dib]

Zim:
Now. Tell me... tell me the flaw in my house's defenses.

Dib:
[struggles internally] But... I can't... must infiltrate!

Zim:
It would make Pustulio happy to know this thing. Don't you WANT-[pushes Pustulio around to increase hypnotic power]-to make Pustulio happy?

Dib:
Yes... no!

Zim:
[raises eyebrow] If you tell me, I'll let you hold Pustulio's little hand. [holds up one of Pustulio's hands for Dib to see]

Dib:
[talking against will] The weakness... is simple... a blind spot... [cringes] in your gnome field. Nothing to stop me from simply tunneling under house... [cringes again] and attach a spy monitoring system.

[a pause, then Zim begins laughing maniacally]

Zim:
Success!

Zim:
Come my filthy stink children. You shall reveal your secrets to Pustulio in the privacy of the classroom.

Zim:
Bye Dib! Thanks for the information! I got a few more lawn gnomes to plant.

Ms. Bitters:
Dib, you will not leave school grounds until all this mess is cleaned up. [Ms. Bitters hands Dib a tiny sponge]

Dib:
Can't I use that sponge?

Ms. Bitters:
No.

Krazy Taco Mascot:
So take it from me, the Krazy Taco! You won't find a crazier taco then the ones you'll find at the Krazy Taco! Remember, our Drive-Thru's open the whole niiight! Sweet jumpin' jelly bean, I'm CRAZY!!

GIR:
Must obey the taco man!

Zim:
Sweet jumpin' jelly bean!

Zim:
I don't think you understand how serious this is! Tacos are not worth ruining the mission. I am your master, and you will obey me! Obey me! (Zim kneels on the ground as if he was begging) ...Pleeeeeaaassse?

GIR:
Maybe you're right... we can get a giant burrito too!

Police Radio:
Be on the look out for a giant mobile home rampaging through the downtown area.

Cop 1:
Can mobile homes rampage?

Cop 2:
Must be one of them new ones.

[GIR orders food from the Krazy Taco drive-thru with Zim screaming in the background]

Krazy Taco Worker:
So that's two large tacos, burrito, and a medium "GIR take us back to the base right now." Do you want a drink with that?

Gir:
[to Krazy Taco Worker] What kinda drinks you got?

Krazy Taco Worker:
We got New Poop, Classic Poop, Diet Poop, Cherry Poop, and Salty Lemonade.

Gir:
Gimme a large Classic Poop!

Zim:
Shut your noise tube, Taco Human!

Zim:
GIR.

GIR:
Yes, master?

Zim:
GIR, I have your tacos.

GIR:
...GIMME!!!!

Zim:
No, GIR.

GIR:
But I need tacos! I need them or I will explode. That happens to me sometimes...

Zim:
I will give you tacos. Oh, such tacos will I give... but first you have to take us back to the base. [Pause.] They're only getting colder, GIR!

Zim:
Behold! A hunter destroyer-

GIR:
What is it?

Zim:
A hunter destroy-

GIR:
What is it?!?

Zim:
...A hunter destroyer machine.

GIR:
Wait...if you destroyed Dib in the past, then he won't ever be your enemy, then you won't have to send a robot back to destroy him and then he will be your enemy, so then you will have to send a robot back...

[GIR's head explodes]

GIR:
(cries) WHY?!? WHY MY PIGGY?!? I LOVEDED YOU PIGGY! I LOVEDED YOUUUUU!!

Dib:
The pig...it haunts me...

Dib:
You can hide, Zim, but you can't...hide!

[GIR opens his head, launching out million of little piggies, giggling]

[Dib raises his hand]

Ms. Bitters:
Yes, Dib?

Dib:
Ms. Bitters, Zim's trip to the bathroom has taken a really long time.

Ms. Bitters:
I seem to remember you taking an awful long time to go to the bathroom as well, Dib.

Dib:
[pathetically] But that was "Corn and Mayonnaise" day!

Ms. Bitters:
[harshly] Oh, that's no excuse!!!

Zim:
My business... is done!

Dib:
Who takes three hours to go to the bathroom before lunch, Zim?

Zim:
Nonsense! I had much to do. So much!

GIR:
[over the skool intercom] Greetings, children of Earth! This is your new school announcer. A special surprise mandatory field trip is happening for the following lucky children. Morla, Flan, Red Rocky, everyone in Ms. Bitters's class except for Zim. And especially Dib. All these children get to go to a special place made entirely of food. I like food! Now check this out!

[He makes beatbox noises. Zim shuts the intercom off]

Ms. Bitters:
Now open up your textbook and begin memorizing the copyright information. You will be quizzed on this.

Zim:
Ms. Bitters, I have a [yells] MIGHTY NEED... to use the restroom once again.

Ms. Bitters:
Okay, but that's your last bathroom break for the rest of the school year.

Zim:
I will leave you to your...

GIR:
[whispering to Zim] Moosey fate!

Zim:
Eh...

GIR:
[whispering] Say moosey fate!

Zim:
...Your moosey fate.

[ GIR starts laughing]

Zim:
But I chose this particular worm hole especially for the occasion. You see, at the end of this wormhole lies: A ROOM with a MOOSE!!

Dib:
AAAAAHHHH- Wait a minute! Did you say, a room with a moose?

Zim:
Yes. Your fear is overwhelming, no?

Dib:
Um...no. What's so scary about a room with a stupid moose? I mean, yeah, that's a big moose, but really-

Zim:
Oh, you'll see. PREPARE YOUR BLADDER FOR IMMINENT RELEASE!

Dib:
Nuh-uh!

[Zim launches walnuts into wormhole]

Dib:
Are those walnuts?

Zim:
Yes.

GIR:
My walnuts!

Zim:
LEAVE NO EVIDENCE!

Zim:
(pounding on computer) NO! NO! THE MOOSE HAS FAILED ME!

[The class has gathered around the new classroom pet, a hamster named Peepi, which is running around in its hamster-wheel]

Ms. Bitters:
Take a good look children. It will prepare you for your adult lives in our nightmarish corporate system.

Anchorman:
Experts are still baffled over the origins of "Ultra-Peepi," the giant, mutant hamster now ravaging the city, but they all agree he's just fuzzy-wuzzy adorable, isn't he? He sure is!

[On the screen behind the anchorman, Ultra Peepi is seen about to stomp on the news station. His foot comes crashing through the ceiling, crushing the Anchorman]

[Ultra-Peepi, altered by Zim's device, breaks out and starts destroying the city]

Dib:
Anything you'd like to confess?

Zim:
Of course not. Don't be silly.

Zim:
(to GIR) Wadda ya watching?

GIR:
Angry Monkey.

Zim:
THAT... horrible monkey!

GIR:
Mm-Hm! Where's Ultra Peepi?

Zim:
He's working.

Zim:
You made me do this, Peepi! I hate to be the bad guy, but you must be disciplined! Or you'll never learn!

Zim:
Peepi! Peepi!! The weenie tempts you!

[Peepi chases after Zim and giant hot dog]

Soldier:
..Now we're being attacked by giant weenies.

Zim:
Why? Because! When you create a giant monster of doom, you have to-..You have to-.. I don't know.

[Kid starts sniffling]

Zim:
But stop sniffling sad little Earth-monkey, Ultra-peepi will live on...[starts waving hand] out there...in the stars.

[huge crash is shown behind Zim down-town]

Zim:
Hurry, GIR! The mission's been compromised! I think we've been seen out of our disguises...by a human!

GIR:
But Dib's seen us before...and he knows where we live!

Zim:
Heh heh, Dib. No, this is different. This is serious...

GIR:
[screams] [walks over to TV, turns on the Angry Monkey Show, and sits down to watch]

Zim:
GIR!!

GIR:
Oh, yeah... [screams again]

GIR:
Awww! He's cute! And sticky looking!

Zim:
Cute?!? This is a serious threat to our mission!

GIR:
He's just a baby! [gets in front of the window] HI BABY! [Zim tackles GIR]

Zim:
I am the neighborhood baby inspector. I have come to inspect the baby.

Mother:
Oh, goodness! Inspect him for what?

Zim:
Your resistance will be noted!

[Zim is being held captive by aliens who look like earth babies]

Zim:
Noogums! I should have known.

Schnooky:
Do not call me by that name! It is demeaning to the proud and fierce race of the Nar-Gh'ok to be dubbed "Noogums."

Zim:
What should I call you then?!?

Schnooky:
Schnooky! Gh'ok Space Sergent Schnooky!

GIR:
Awwww, I wanted to explode.

Dib:
And once I get in there I'm...man, am I gonna do something.

Gaz:
I'm trying to draw a little piggy. Can't you see I'm trying to draw a little piggy?!?

Dib:
Don't you care that Zim is trying to destroy all mankind? Huh?

Gaz:
But he's so bad at it.

GIR:
I'm guarding the house!

Gaz:
Where's Dib?

GIR:
[turning to duty mode and producing weapons from his head] None may pass! You are an intruder!

Gaz:
[angrily] Where's Dib?

GIR:
[retracts weapons] He's down there!

Zim:
You can't escape by teleporter, little Gaz. I cut the power! Your pitiful attempt to escape is nothing but a pitiful failure! Stupid, stinking humans!

Gaz:
Doesn't this spaceship have any escape pods?

Zim:
Of course; they're right over there. (shaking head)Stupid, stinking humans... huh?

Bloaty's Mascots:
Doo dee doo dee doo! Doo dee doo dee doo! Doo dee doo dee doo!

Zim:
That's it, Dib. Laugh now, yes. Laugh and frolic in your vile meats of evil...MEATS OF EVIL! But know that vengeance shall be mine. Oh, how it will be mine!

[Dib sits on a tack that Zim put in his chair]

Dib:
This is your vengeance, Zim? A tack? That's pathetic, even for you.

Dib:
Gaz, taste me! I'm delicious!

[Gaz slowly walks backwards, then sprints away]

Dib:
Joke's on you, Zim! Now you have to find a cure for the bologna thing.

Zim:
Fool! You think I would share the cure with you?!? I'll find a cure and keep it all to myself, and then watch you transform more and more into what you really are deep down in your heart.

Dib:
Deep down I'm bologna?

Zim:
...Yes.

Dib:
That's just dumb.

Zim:
Dumb like a moose, Dib, dumb like a moose!

Dib:
Now what, Zim? What's your next plan?

[Dogs with foaming mouths appear and snarl hungrily at them]

[Zim looks at the dogs then back at Dib]

Zim:
Let's run, screaming.

Ms.Bitters:
Class, today's horrible lesson is about something horrible. Open your horrible textbooks to page 2038.

Announcer:
Are you still playing with your old obsolete Game Slave 1? Why? What's wrong with you? Have we offended you somehow?! Huh? Huh? Huuuh?!

Gaz:
That Game Slave is rightfully mine. I'll buy it from you, but there's no way you're keeping it. Not without invoking my wrath anyhow.

Iggins:
You know, you need help.

[Shows a picture of Iggins brushing his teeth, and playing his Game Slave, then looks up and sees 'The Game Is Mine' written in steam on the mirror above the sink]

Iggins:
'The Gam-e Is Mine..' [Gasps then turns around and gasps as Gaz Appears outside the window with a flash of lightning] Ahh- Wait, how did you write that if you're out.. Huh?

[Gaz appears from different sides of the window with each lightning flashes while Iggins screams}

Iggins:
I need those! Save point, so close!

Gaz:
What you need is to give the Game Slave to me, or I will plunge you into a nightmare world from which there is no waking.

Iggins:
But... I'm a better gamer than you..

Gaz:
I hope you like nightmare worlds!

Dib:
A Colony of horrible Rat People! Hey, do you know the way outta here?

Rat Man:
There is no way out, we all got lost here too! And we've been here ever since!

[Other Rat People Chime in] Ever Since! There's no way out!

Dib:
Oh come on, getting lost in a parking garage did not turn you all into horrible Rat People

Rat Woman:
I was once, a maaaan!

Dib:
But.... You're a woman!

Rat Person:
You'll be just like us soon!

Dib:
I don't think so, I think I see the Exit over there, see ya!

Dib:
Sorry... I'm late... horrible... nightmare visions...

Ms. Bitters:
It's called life, Dib. Sit down!

Zita:
Ms. Bitters?

Ms. Bitters:
[is startled into waking from a brief snooze in her desk chair] Yes, Zita?

Zita:
I think Dib seems crazier than normal today. Can we use one of the crazy cards to send him to the crazy house for boys?

Ms. Bitters:
Each class only gets three cards a month. Are you sure you want to use one?

[Everyone looks at Dib who is twitching and falls to the floor.]

Zita:
Yeah...

Zim:
Where are we?

Dib:
Some kind of alternate universe. It's based on my imagination somehow.

Zim:
And you brought me here?!? You sickening, troublesome human!

[Zim activates his robot spider legs and approaches Dib threateningly]

Dib:
Hey! The only way out is through my head! Anything happens to me and you're stuck here forever!

[Zim retracts his robot spider legs]

Zim:
Curse yoooouuuu! Wait- I can still do stuff to your legs, right?

Dib:
I guess, but- wait! No!

Zim:
Gah! Curse yoooouuuu!

Dib:
My head's not big! Why does everyone say that?

[A mystic escape portal is in Dib's own forehead]

Zim:
There! That should be wide enough.

Dib:
What about me? How do I get back?

Zim:
Good question! ...But I don't care!

Dib:
MY HEAD'S NOT BIG!!!

Zim:
I... didn't... say anything about your head.

Dib:
You're the only one who can help!

Zim:
Help?!? You?!?

Dib:
My dad won't let me use his equipment and I need to reverse the effects!

Zim:
Help?!? You come to me, your greatest, most amazing enemy? Your future slave master and you ask for help?!?

Dib:
You're the only other person with the technology to-

Zim:
Be gone with you! I have had enough of your nonsense from your smelly mouth filled with... CORN!

Dib:
...I haven't been eating corn.

Zim:
LIAR!!!

Zim:
I'm not here because I like you, Dib. I'm just here for your filthy gargantuan head!

Dib:
OH! Now It's gargantuan!

Dib:
(thinking to himself) Maybe my head is big...

Host:
This young man... [Zim enters] denies your accusation!

Dib:
What's he doing here?! He's the alien!

Zim:
I came to put a stop to all your alien talk... WHEN WILL THE LIES END?!

Host:
Are you an alien?

Zim:
[shouting] LIES! THIS FILTHY EARTH BOY LIES! I mean no.

[Title comes on that says dramatic reinactment]

Zim:
I was out playing like any normal Earth larva when he came looking for trouble.

Actor playing Dib:
Heyy new kid, give me your lunch moneys!

Actor playing Zim:
[with British accent] But I need these monies to buy nutrients.

Actor playing Dib:
Give me the moneys or i'll tell everyone you're an alien!

Dib:
That's not how it happened!

Host:
Restrain him![hear Dib hollering in the backround then the reinactment continues]

GIR:
I was the chubby lady, hidin' in the bushes.

GIR:
Then a giant squirrel showed up.

Zim:
GIR!!

Host:
[to Zim] Let her talk! Can't you see she's upset? [to GIR] Now, don't you mean, Dib showed up?

GIR:
No! The squirrel showed up first. Then Dib showed up.

Actor playing Dib:
[points to man in squirrel costume] AAGHHHH, what is that?

GIR:
And then the squirrel ate Dib's greasy head. [man in squirrel costume proceeds to mutilate Actor Dib's head as the other actors back away terrified] And then the squirrel flew away! [man in squirrel costume gets picked up by cables] After that, he flew back to his home planet to fight all the bad guys. [costume rips and man falls on two actors in alien costumes]

Host:
...What does that have to do with anything?!?

GIR:
Me 'n the squirrel are friends.

Host:
I've come to the conclusion that Dib is crazy. [to GIR] This one, definitely crazy. I feel sorry for the ugly green kid, but there's a good chance he's crazy too!

Zim:
But not an alien?

Host:
Nope.

Zim:
Okay.

Host:
Just crazy.

Zim:
[pumps arms in the air in victory]

Host:
Nothing matters anymore! Mabey i'm crazy![Host starts acting insane then grabs the camera so that you can only see his face on-screen then does the same thing]

Prof. Membrane:
As we all know, every source of energy requires fuel. So, I got to thinking, why has no one invented a power source that needs no fuel? Why?!?!?

Torque:
[Back in the auditorium][In a somewhat disgruntled tone] Pffft. I didn't know that!

Prof. Membrane:
I made the Perpetual Energy Generator, or, as I call her, PEG. Tonight, I activate it. If it works, we never have to worry about power again! If it doesn't, it'll send out a wave of doom that will destroy all life on Earth!

Spectator:
What was that last part?

[Dib's future self concludes a lengthy explanation as to how he's in the past]

Future Dib:
...so, it's up to you now.

Dib:
Wow. I'm boring! Do I always explain everything like this?

[In the classroom a student is held in mid air by a harness and is stacking cards in a tower]

Ms. Bitters:
Now, add the dead weight of students like you.

[The child adds a huge stack of cards to the tower. It sways dangerously]

Ms. Bitters:
So you can see, children, that our whole society is nothing more than a perilous house of cards...

[The tower collapses into a heap]

Ms. Bitters:
...destined to collapse under its own weight!

GIR:
Why iiisss his head so big? Whyyy's his head so biiig?

[Zim watching buyer choke violently on the candy bar]

Zim:
Uh-huh, that's the sawdust.

GIR:
YAY, I'M GONNA BE SICK! [throws up on Zim]

Zim:
Who are you?!?

Poop Dog:
I am-

Zim:
Who are you?!?

Poop Dog:
I am-

Zim:
Who are you?!?

Poop Dog:
I am Poop Dog!

Mutant:
Pweeeease? For the childwen!

Mr. Grout:
[voice only] We'll buy your candy! We'll buy your candy!

Ms. Bitters:
Children, your performance was miserable. Your parents will all receive phone calls instructing them to love you less now.

School Children:
Awww...

GIR:
(slurping)

Soldier on TV:
Aah!My intestine!

GIR:
Tee-He He He He He-e!

Video Store Clerk:
Hey, Man. It's Been 4 weeks since you rented Intestines of War. It's 20 Days overdue. Hello? Hell-lo?!?

GIR:
Who is it?(Hangs up)

Zim:
[in a mocking voice] I gunna watch it again.

[long pause]

GIR:
...I GUNNA WATCH IT AGAIN!!!

Zim:
This is the hundredth time, GIR. You have to stop watching this thing or... OH, WHAT IS THAT? [points to TV]A warning? Oh no! Oh no! FBI? Who is this FBI? Why are they trying to warn us about?

GIR:
SHHH!

Zim:
(screaming)

Video Store Clerk:
Return that movie!

Zim:
Computer! Give me all the information you have on the FBI.

Computer:
The FBI is a government law enforcement agency.

Zim:
Continue.

Computer:
Insufficient data.

Zim:
Insufficient data! Can't you just make an educated guess?

Computer:
Okaaaaaay...uh...founded in 1492 by, uh...demons, the FBI is a crack law enforcement agency designed to...uh, I dunno, fight...aliens?

Zim:
I knew it! This is baaaad! This is so baaaad!

Zim:
GIR! That movie is some kind of government spying tool! Quickly! Eat it!

[The phone rings.]

Zim:
Hello?(with voice a little deep)Hello?(with voice getting deep)Hello?[with his voice synthetically deeper]Good,OK.Hello,How I may help you today?

Video Store Clerk:
I'm through playin' around! You better return that video or else! This is your final warning!

Zim:
I'm sorry, I do not know what you are talking about. I am normal.

Video Store Clerk:
If that thing isn't in the drop-off box by the time we open tomorrow, you're gonna paaaaaayyyyy... late fees.

Doot:
Ooh!I wanna rent this one!

Video Store Clerk:
Why?!? So you can keep it for weeks and weeks and not return it? What about all the other people that wanna watch it?!? You ever think about them? Huh? HUH?!?

[Doot begins to cry]

Sgt. Shriver:
He caught me sleeping during my shift. When you break the rules, Rankle sends you here. Every couple a days, he takes someone away. They never come back. Some say he just lets 'em go. Me? I say he takes them and turn 'em into horrible zombie soldiers in that new zombie lab they just put in out back.

Slab Rankle:
Oh, it's not that simple my friend... Slab Rankle is not that easy to pull it over in defeat! Because Slab...and Rankle and, and Slab and... TIME FOR ZOMBIES!

Tallest Red:
Welcome planetary conversion team! Welcome to Blorch, the latest addition to the Irken Empire, and most importantly, the first planet to fall victim to our latest effort at universal conquest, Operation Impending Doom II!

Crowd Member:
Almighty Tallest rocks!

Tallest Red:
Now we erase the remaining organics on Blorch, paving the way for…I dunno, maybe a parking structure planet?

Tallest Purple:
Yeah! Parking Structure Planet!

Zim:
Truly I am amazing. How could they not cheer the very sight of my progress? Still, I am becoming impatient with my incredibly subtle infiltration of this planet, and am growing ever hungrier to be the destruction of the humans. Destruction is nice!

Zim:
Get off my head, GIR.

[GIR crawls off of Zim's head]

Zim:
I have a good feeling about this lead, I can almost taste the humans being destroyed, IT'S DELICIOUS! This Mars holds the key, I just know it! New words of praise will have to be invented just so they can p- GET OFF MY HEAD!

Janitor:
I believe you. I think I can help you.

Dib:
What are you gonna do? Clean me?

Hologram:
My people worked themselves into extinction making our planet a working vessel!

Zim:
Why would you do that?

Hologram:
Because it's cool.

GIR:
*nods* Mmm-hmm.

Zim:
Mission accomplished, my Tallest! I have rid this solar system of Mars!

Tallest Purple:
I thought you were trying to destroy the Earth.

Zim:
Oh! Yes. That! You heard wrong! This time I was trying to get rid of Mars. You know, just a little warm up before I destroy the humans! Yeah, see, I'll do Earth next! I'm an unstoppable death machine, you know.

Blue-eyed Alien:
You have fallen for our clever trap!

Green-eyed Alien:
He sure did pa!

Zim:
You threw me in a sack!

Blue-eyed Alien:
Are we talkin' 'bout the same juuuice??

Blue-eyed Alien:
But enough philosophy.

Zim:
But we haven't been talking about-

Blue-eyed Alien:
Let the hideous experiments begin!

Zim:
I was lying.

Green-eyed Alien:
We will begin by fusing you to this other human.

Zim:
That's no human, that's a gopher!

Blue-eyed Alien:
Silence!

Tallest Red:
So, you're saying the humans are dumb, yet...tall. How is that even possible? How can anything tall be dumb?

Tallest Purple:
[with his mouth full] Yeah, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can you imagine, huh? Huh? Huh?

Maria:
Don't say that name 'round here! He is the demon beast! We've lost three chicken cookers since he come around!

Dib:
Chickenfoot ate them?

Maria:
No, they got better jobs...but I hate that chicken beast! Get out! Get out now! Before you get a better job too!

Eric:
The Chicky meal! It comes with a dirty chicken toy! The head comes off and can be used like a little grappling hook.

Dib:
That's a...weird thing for a chicken to do.

Customer:
[angrily, with a bowl of coleslaw right in front of him] I want my slaw!

Eric:
You have your slaw, sir.

Customer:
[angrily] I want my slaw!

Eric:
You have your slaw, sir.

Customer:
[angrily] I want my slaw!!!

Eric:
You have your slaw, sir.

Dib:
Chickenfoot, come back! You're not a freak, you're just stupid!

Reporter 1:
You mean Chickenfoot was a fraud all along?

Dib:
This just proves that paranormal studies isn't a bunch of crazies believing in anything! We also disprove the frauds!

Reporter 2:
I'll bet this means Bigfoot is a fraud too!

Reporter 1:
And UFOs!

Reporter 2:
And hobos!

Dib:
No wait! Those are real! Except the hobos. Wait, no. They're real. I...I guess. But- what's wrong with you people?!?

[The Tallest are examining the Megadoomer]

Tallest Red:
The Megadoomer Combat Stealth Mech!

Tallest Purple:
I don't like it.

Tallest Red:
We didn't build it so you could like it. This one's going to Planet Meekrob to help Invader Tenn conquer it.

Tallest Purple:
Well, I should like it.

[They move on to a room full of malfunctioning SIR units]

Tallest Purple:
Malfunctioning SIR Units! Hey! These things are dangerous! Anyone using these things could really get hurt! [pauses] Send them all to Zim.

Tallest Red:
[gasps] But they'll destroy him!

[Both laugh uproariously]

Tallest Purple:
Ah, let's go eat food.

Zim:
And then, THEN, Dib says, "RAR!" in front of the whole class! Filthy slug. Mrs. Bitters called on ME, understand? Filthy squirmy Dib! SQUIRMY!

Kid:
What are you talking about? Who are you?

Zim:
I can't believe the things that H-H-HUMAN has done to me. ME! [makes angry noises] DIB! [more angry noises]

Kid:
Why are you following me? I don't even go to your school!

Zim:
And the- OH! He makes me so mad! The horrible puny brain meat child. With his little glasses and his [angry noises] HEAD!

Kid:
[runs into house and shuts door]

Zim:
My name is Dib with my pointy hair. POINTY HAIR! I eat food and have stuff!

GIR:
[gasps] It's got chicken legs!

Zim:
Yes...chicken legs. It also possesses a new generation distortion cloaking system. You know what that means?

GIR:
Oooh... [flips out then stops]

Zim:
That means it turns invisible!

GIR:
I had no idea.

GIR:
CHICKEN! [giggles] I'm gonna eat you!

Dib:
Wow! [starts taking pictures of the Megadoomer] Crop Circle Magazine is gonna put me on the front cover for sure! Someone take a picture of me with it. [pauses, then hands the camera to GIR, who begins taking multiple pictures of Dib]

GIR:
Aww you. You look so cute.

Zim:
I've put up with you long enough, Dib! Now fight an enemy you cannot see!

Dib:
...You're right there.

[Zim gasps, then scoots over. Dib points at him again]

Dib:
There! Your mighty Irken cloaking device cloaks the robot, but not you.

Zim:
LIES! Now behold the doom cannon!

Dib:
I can't. It's invisible.

Zim:
But you can see me?

Dib:
That's what I said.

Zim:
Oh, that's STUPID!

Dib:
Really stupid.

Zim:
You dare agree with me? Prepare to meet your horrible doom!

Delouser:
Level 1 infestation, ma'am.

Countess von Verminstrassor:
A level 1... I am Countess von Verminstrassor, the Delouser! For your own good, you will cooperate! You have lice, and until your condition improves, you will be detained here indefinitely!

Dib:
You can't really make us stay here...

Countess von Verminstrassor:
You dare question me, question my methods?!? You, who stands to benefit the most from my work?!? You disgust me!

Ms. Bitters:
What a nice lady.

Dib:
All I said was-

Countess von Verminstrassor:
Silence! Let the delousing begin!

Dib:
Keep quiet Melvin, and we'll-.

Melvin:
(Freaking out) No, no, LICE QUEEN! AHHHH!!!!

Dib:
That, wasn't every quiet.

Delouser:
What are you doing you here?

Dib:
What.... are YOU doing out here?!?

Delouser:
.....using... MIND TRICKS!!!!!!!!!!!

Gretchen:
This place smells. Can I have a soda?

Zim:
[to Tak] I have come to accept your feelings for me thereby choosing me as your 'love-pig'..... FEEL HONORED! Now prepare your brain, filthy beast of meat and hair. Your magical love adventure begins NOW!

Tak:
[reading her poem to Zim] For longer than I can remember, I've been looking for someone like you. Someone with a head like yours and a torso too. Birds sing AND YOU'RE GONNA PAY! The end! HERE'S SOME MEAT COVERED IN BARBECUE SAUCE! [pulls a giant slab of ribs covered in bbq sauce and throws it at Zim, who screams]

Zim:
TAK! I'm glad you've stopped by, It gives me a chance to end our hideous relationship, and enjoy your shrill cry having been rejected by ZIM!!!!

Tak:
You've got to be kidding!

Zim:
I assure you I am quiet serious. Now cry! Cry like you've never cried.... before!

[After Tak finishes explaining her past]

Zim:
Yes, yes, so you blame me for your horrible life, blah, blah, blah, BIG DEAL!

Tak:
This is about taking your mission, Zim, not revenge!

Zim:
You're after revenge?!?

Tak:
NOOOOOO! It's not about revenge! It's about taking what's rightfully mine. I should have been an invader! I should have been part of the Great Assigning! I shouldn't HAVE to be stealing THIS planet from YOU!

Zim:
[pause] YOU'RE AFTER MY ROBOT BEE!!

Tak:
NOOOOOOO!!!! Listen to me. Listen...carefully!

Zim:
Hmm? Hmm? Hmmmmmm?

Tak:
I'm a better invader than you could ever be. I blend in perfectly. The plan I have in store for this nasty rock will so impress the Tallest that they'll have no choice but to make me an invader.

Zim:
WHAT IS THIS-- [lowers his tone] And what is this plan?

Tak:
[laughs softly]

Zim:
Yeah, yeah, I'm a master of comedy. Now tell me this plan!

Tak:
Part One involves crippling your base, so that you could only watch... AS I RUIN YOUR LIFE!!!!

[Her SIR unit unleashes nanites that consume Zim's base]

Zim:
[horrified] MY BEAUTIFUL BASE!!!

Tak:
Part Two is--

Zim:
NOOOOOOOOOO, MY BEAUTIFUL BASE!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Tak:
[irritated] Part Two is--

Zim:
NOOOOOOOOOO, MY BEAUTIFUL BASE!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Tak:
Part Two is--

Zim:
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Tak:
Part--

Zim:
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Tak:
Okay, I'm--

Zim:
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Tak:
Okay, I'm leaving now.

Zim:
[calmly] But you didn't tell me your plan.

Tak:
The great thing about your people, Dib, is that most of them don't notice. All they see is another faceless corporate venture, not a plan for world conquest!

Dib:
Wait. Is there really a difference?

[Zim busts through the wall with the Voot Runner]

Zim:
It's over, Tak! The earth is mine to devastate! And I've already promised the moon to GIR.

Dib:
Zim! How did you know we'd be here?

Zim:
I placed a tracking device on you!

Dib:
Tracking device? Where?

[Dib turns around to reveal GIR clinging to his head]

GIR:
Your head smells like a puppy!

Gaz:
Are there any video games around here?

Zim's Computer:
No. Not really.

Gaz:
I guess I'll help save the earth, then.

Dib:
You're just jealous that--

Zim:
This has nothing to do with jelly!

Zim:
Once I have tainted the human's meat supply with filth, the planet will be ripe for the taking. Soon the name of Invader Zim will be synonymous with... DOOKIE! GIR! Bring me cows.

GIR:
[in duty mode] Yes sir! [out of duty mode] I like dookie!

Zim:
[voiceover] Sometimes I'm scared to think of what goes on in that insane head of yours...

Zim:
GIR! What have you done? This isn't information retrieval! Are you insane?!

GIR:
[in duty mode] I have captured the enemy for meat testing. Praise me! Praise meeeee!!

GIR:
[in duty mode] The knowledge, it fills me. It is neat.

Zim:
GIR! You've drained enough humans today!

GIR:
[in duty mode] Data canister is not yet full!

Zim:
I command you to get out of here before we're noticed...some more.

GIR:
[in duty mode] Your methods are stupid! Your progress has been stupid! Your intelligence is STUPID!

[Zim turns a dial, resetting GIR back to normal as he falls to the ground face first]

GIR:
[out of duty mode] Hi Floor, make me a sammich!

Zim:
That's better, I guess...

GIR:
Heh, heh, sammich, sammich!

Zim:
Curse you, snacks! CURSE YOOOOUUUU!

Policeman Squid:
I want to thank you. That was quite an adventure. The car wreck, the library fight and then, the galactic space battle that happened on the way to this beach.

Zim:
Yes, yes, very nice. Now into the ocean with you, where you can tell no one of these things.

Policeman Squid:
I'm coming home! [Runs into the water]

GIR:
Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! [Happily to Zim] ...he's getting eaten by a shark.

Zim:
[eating cafeteria food, gags] It's delicious! It's delicious! I AM NORMAL!!

Dib:
Today, things are gonna change. I'm not just gonna sit around and let Zim get away with his... things he do. I mean-

Gaz:
[mockingly] "Things he DO"? What's your problem?

[Dib throws a muffin at Zim's head]

Zim:
What? WHO?!

Gaz:
That... that was horrible.

Zim:
[grabs muffin] WHO DID THIS?! Who dares to soil my normal boy head with this... PORK COW?!

Poonchy:
That's a stinking muffin!

Zim:
SILENCE! Whatever this is, I will find the beast who threw it! I WILL FIND YOU!! Sleep peacefully now, for it is the last peaceful sleep you will know from this moment on!

Classmate:
But we're not asleep right now!

[Zim stares at the watching classmates before running away, screaming. Dib snickers.]

Gaz:
Actually, that was kinda funny.

[Dib is asleep in bed. Two aliens fly in and wake him up. They transform into shoes]

Dib:
What? What's happening?! Who... what are you, and why did you transform into giant shoes?

Meekrob:
We are beings of pure energy. This is merely a form your human brain can understand.

Dib:
But you just looked like aliens before you turned into shoes.

Meekrob:
Hmmm. Yes, but you couldn't comprehend that.

Dib:
Yes, I could.

Dib:
Why did you choose me?

Meekrob:
You're the worthiest, Dib. And no one else had a head large enough to accommodate such power.

Meekrob:
Dib... whatever your last name is.

Dib:
That's right.

Zim:
It's been nice working with you GIR, now self destruct.

GIR:
Finally! [cackles, explodes]

Zim:
With my mighty fists of horror and unstoppable cruelty, I am the tool of destruction, vengeance and fury!

Sgt. Hobo:
I only asked for your name! Next!

Throbulator:
I am Throbulator! I am a creature of pure headache! Yeeow, my head!

Sgt. Hobo:
Your name! That's all I want! Gah!

Skoodge:
Invader Skoodge, sir!

Zim:
Skoodge? I thought the Almighty Tallest killed you!

Skoodge:
Yeah, but I'm okay now.

Sgt. Hobo:
Prepare yourselves, you slime-licking smort crabs, to face a series of trials! The finish line is the dreaded fortress of pain! Any mistakes and you will be beamed away, to a losers' holding pen! The holding pen... of pain!

Throbulator:
The holding pen is painful?

Sgt. Hobo:
Yes!

Throbulator:
Does it have to be?!?

Sgt.Hobo:
Not really.

Sgt. Hobo:
I'm really looking forward to twisting you into a twisted, horrible knot, made from you.

GIR:
A little to the left, okay? Step forward, okay? Look out for the monkey.

Zim:
Got it, okay. How am I doing? Okay monkey, got it, okay.

GIR:
Okay? Look out for the other monkey, okay?

Zim:
Okay, got it. Oh no, oh no, oh no ah aha ahaaah ahahaha! [crashing noise]

GIR:
Okay?

Zim:
Okay. LOOK OUT!

Zim:
We cannot fail, GIR. Even as a small Irken smeet my dream was to pass probing day like a Slor Beast passes her young. Jiggly! And full of juice…

Zim:
That's it! Time!

GIR:
What you say?

Zim:
If I can bring the time field around the explosion back up to regular speed, it'll fix everything!

GIR:
No it won't...

Zim:
The explosion will blow up like normal and be gone forever!

GIR:
But won't it just explode? Just like this! KABLAM!

Zim:
Do not interrupt my being ingenious!

Dib:
You're just going to blow us all up? This is stupid! This is stupid, stupid!

Zim's Computer:
But seriously Zim if you just speed up the explosion-

Zim:
I don't pay you to contradict me!

Zim's Computer:
You don't... pay me at all...

GIR:
[being used as a catapult for an accelerator to speed up the explosion] But if the big 'splodey goes fast, won't it get all bad?

You're lying!!!!

Melvin:
And in outer space, I'm gonna collect rocks from Mars, and float in the space shuttle, and I'll make friends with the space monkey!

Dib:
Look at him, Gaz! He doesn't like the cafeteria food.

[They look at Zim sniffing the food and groans]

Gaz:
I don't like it either. [mimicking while waving her hands behind her head] I must be an alien too, huh, Dib?

Dib:
[walks up to Zim] What's the matter? Scared of beans, space boy?

Zim:
Nonsense! I love beans. I love them…

Dib:
[hands Zim a spoon] Oh, just one more then? What are you scared of?

Zim:
Scared? Ridiculous. Witness my bean-chewing! [takes a spoonful of beans and reluctantly eats them, as Dib watches on with much anticipation] That's good eat- [retchs and convulses, ultimately falling to the ground] Yummy.

Dib:
[looks over table and sees Zim on the floor breathing hard, his head engorged with glowing fluid and pulsing] Look everyone! His head! That is so not normal! I was right all along, he is an alien! He’s Not Just A Alien, A BIIIG Brain! You never believed me, but now, I have proof! [Points to trail of glowing green goo leading out the door]

Zita:
You're crazy!

Dib:
[on monitor] There, in front of everyone, I'll launch some food into Zim's filthy mouth and the whole school will see what Zim really is.

Zim:
[laughs] The human has lost the element of surprise thanks to the ingenious listening device I placed on him.

Dib:
You picked the wrong planet to land on, Zim!

Zim:
Wait a minute! What planet is this?

Dib:
Earth.

Zim:
Nope, this is the right planet.

Announcer:
[first lines] Welcome, brave Irken soldiers. Welcome to Conventia, the convention hall planet. Please, proceed to the docking ring and take the complimentary teleporters to the planet's surface!

[Zim lands on the windshield of an ice cream truck]

Ice cream truck speaker:
You like ice cream... you like ice cream. You love it. You cannot resist ice cream. To resist is hopeless. Your existence is meaningless without ice cream.

[Irken audience starts cheering]

Tallest Red:
See? Told you they'd love the lasers.

Tallest Purple:
Everything is lasers with you. I'm telling you, smoke machines are what the people... [gets hit in the eye with a laser, and yells in pain]

Tallest Purple:
And last… Invader Skoodge!

Tallest Red:
[looks at him] Oh now that's just sad.

Tallest Purple:
Could you get any shorter?

Tallest Red:
[talking quickly] You'll be assigned to Blorch, home of the slaughtering rat people, thank you.

[Hologram shows the rat people attacking Skoodge as he starts Understanding)

Zim:
Sorry, I'm late, my tallest. I couldn't find my invitation. You're lucky I made it at all.

Tallest Red:
You weren't invited at all.

Tallest Purple:
Weren't you banished to FoodCourtia? Shouldn't you be... frying something?

Zim:
Oh, I quit when I found out about this.

Tallest Purple:
You quit being banished!?!?!?

Tallest Red:
The assigning is over, Zim.

Zim:
But you can't have an invasion without me! I was in Operation Impending Doom 1! Don't you remember?

Tallest Purple:
Oh yes. We remember…

[flashback]

Zim:
[in giant robot destroying a city] AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Pilot:
But sir, we're still on our own planet!

Zim:
Silence! Twist those knobs! Twist those knobs! You! Pull some levers! Pull some levers! [resumes his maniacal laughter as his rampage continues]

[end of flashback]

Zim:
I put the fires out.

Tallest Red:
You made them worse!

Zim:
Worse… or better?

Dib:
I'm looking for the pigeon-head kid.

Secretary:
[shakes the can again, another "moo" sound] Nobody's come in with head pigeons, young man.

Dib:
Zim? The green kid...

Secretary:
Oh, the green child! [points to Hall Monitor, who is sitting in a chair across the room.] He's right over there doubled over in pain.

[Hall Monitor holds his stomach, pale green and shivering violently.]:

Hall Monitor:
The cooing... [shivers and makes a gagging sound] The cooing!

Secretary:
He's missing his liver. That's how some kids react to the cafeteria food... The lucky ones...

[The hunter destroyer machine goes into the portal, but is immediately shot back out. Cue the reason:
]

Computer:
Object not compatible with temporal field.

Zim:
"Not compatible"?! Is this thing just completely useless?! "Not compatible"!

[Zim grabs GIR's rubber piggy and chucks it. It bounces off of the overturned Hunter-Destroyer machine and - much to Zim's surprise - goes into the time portal. The rest is altered history...]

Computer:
Object accepted! Temporal displacement in process!

Zim:
Huh?

Dib:
I know you're behind the piggies, Zim! I don't know how, but I know that it's you! Rubber piggies have ruined my life, and it's all been you!

Dib:
[Deep Voice] YOU WILL PAY FOR RUINING MY CHILDHOOD, ZIM! YOU! WILL! PAY!

Zim:
That last piggy should have reduced him to nothing! What happened?!?! Where did history go wrong?!?!

Dib:
[Deep Voice] MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN A MISERABLE PIG-FILLED ORDEAL BECAUSE OF YOU!

Zim:
[while throwing multiple pigs into the time machine] There must be some way of stopping him, some point in time where he's still vulnerable to the piggy!

Dib:
[Deep Voice] PREPARE FOR DESTRUCTION!

Zim:
Only one left! NOOOOOO!

GIR:
Yay, We're Doomed!

Dib:
[Deep Voice] AND NOW, ZIM! THIS IS FOR TAMPERING WITH THE PAST! THIS IS FOR THE PIGS!

[Dib raises the fist of the Mega Boy 3000. Zim tosses the piggy into the time portal. Dib throws his fist towards Zim.]

Dib:
[Deep Voice] ENJOY YOUR LAST MOMENT- [Suddenly, with a flash, Dib is back to normal. He stands outside of Zim's front door holding a camera.] [Normal Voice] -of privacy! Soon the world will seek-- wait a minute. Have I always been like this? Yes, I have, haven't I? My whole life! Good old Dib-like Dib! [Two of the lawn gnomes turn around to face Dib then they slide towards him with their arms outstretched.] Wuh-hey! Hey, wait a minute! Hey! [The lawn gnomes drag him off screen and then the sound of them punching Dib as he shouts can be heard.]

Mrs. Bitters:
The school has lost its funding for textbooks. In their place, you'll get wildlife survival manuals. Today, you will all be quizzed on how to skin a moose. [Starts sniffing the air. Ms. Bitters gets onto her desk. She then walks through the classroom, sniffing the air and grunting]

The Letter M:
Ms. Bitters, I think there's a skinned moose somewhere in the class! [falls out of his desk, smoke rising from his body.]

Mrs. Bitters:
Dib? [slithers over to Dib] You stink! Go to the bathroom and roll around in the toilet until you smell better!

Dib:
But I'll smell like the toilet.

Mrs. Bitters:
Exactly.

Dib:
But, Willy was the last one to use it. [he points to Willy and distorted music plays]

Mrs. Bitters:
Now! [Dib obeys]

Zim:
Oh, yeah. Dib? Uh, my vengance is now complete.

[Dib is in the bathroom washing his hands and then licks his arm]

Dib:
Nope. Still delicious. No one should be this delicious! What's going on?! [sticks his arms in his coat pocket and feels a pained poke] AAH! [the tack falls off from his coat; picks it up and examines it, revealing it to be an alien device] Zim! [sets up his computer in one of the stalls, hooks up a device to the laptop and sticks the tack into it, then presses a button on top of the device] Computer, analyze. Run a chemical check. Is there any unusual foreign substance on the tack?

Dib's Computer:
Analysis done. Unknown substance detected.

Dib:
Then my skin sample. Does it contain the same substance?

Dib's Computer:
Yes. Substance detected in Dib cells.

Dib:
So, a foreign DNA sequence! And Zim got it inside me by making me sit on that tack! Computer, where did this DNA originate from?

Dib's Computer:
Analyzing…

Dib:
Bologna! Zim has introduced bologna DNA into my body?! Computer, have I absorbed the bologna?

Dib's Computer:
No. Subject Dib has been fused with subject Bologna.

Dib:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Zim:
[sitting in his lab in front of a monitor screen, showing the bologna DNA reaction growing quicker inside of him] No! The reaction is much quicker inside of me! It's worse than I imagined! Computer, quickly engineer a serum to reverse the effects of the mutagine!

Computer:
Command voice not recognized. Intruder present.

Zim:
Intruder?! I am Zim! Run a scan to verify that I am Zim!

Computer:
Bio scan verification complete. Intruder is Bologna. [screen monitor shows an image of a bologna as Zim stares in horror]

Zim:
[holding up a liquid beaker, now bloated and sausage-shaped] Finally! I think we've done it!

Dib:
[snatches the beaker from Zim and chugs it down; becomes bloated and sausage-shaped like Zim] Oh, you rotten alien monster!

Zim:
This inferior equipment. Irken babies play with more advanced toys.

Dib:
Hey, we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for your stupid evil! This is all your fault! [chases after Zim, run-wobbling down the hallway; pushes him into a tube but ends up falling as well and they fall out of the tube, sending outside the house; holding Zim down] Now what, Zim? What's your next plan?

Zim:
[looks around, seeing all the dogs surrounding them] Let's run, screaming.

Iggins:
[threateningly] You'll never be a better gamer than me! Play all you want! I'LL ALWAYS BE BETTER! ALWAYS!

Zim:
Of course, my scary sister. I obey.

Robot Dib:
Of course, my scary sister. I obey.

Zim:
This horrible tragedy can be prevented. If, and only if! You surrender your money to ME! AND BUY MY CANDY!

Flaming Mutant:
Pweeesee? For the childwen.

Zim:
I am here, Dib worm, and I have sold over 1.2 million revolting candy units! [He drops his fistful of money and walks over to Ms. Bitters, who is holding a package. She hides it behind her back.] I am prepared to receive the power of the mystery prize! GIVE TO ZIM!

Ms. Bitters:
Well, this has never happened before. [She prepares to tear open the package.] Zim, your prize is... [She tears open the package. Zim grunts in anticipation and wriggles his fingers. Ms. Bitters examines a piece of paper that was inside the package.] Your prize is nothing. [Zim's eyes widen.] There is no mystery prize! they just made it up to make kids work harder for no money.

Zim:
Eh?

Ms. Bitters:
As a consolation, here's some tuna. [She pulls a can of tuna out of the package and hands it to Zim. Zim lifts the can of tuna into the air.]

Zim:
Curse you, Poop Dawg! CURSE YOU!

[A shockwave of energy shoots from the can of tuna and through the class. It causes Brian, Dib, Sara, Aki, Rob, Melvin, Zita, and Mathew P. Mathers III's desks to tip over. It also causes Chunk to shoot upward into the ceiling and Tae's desk to set on fire. Cut to Poop Dawg in his gangsta specter of defeat robes. He laughs evilly and then coughs.]

[GIR laughs. The phone rings. GIR picks up the phone. Video Store Clerk, a Video Outhouse employee, is on the other line.]

Video Store Clerk:
Hey man, it's been 4 weeks since you rented Intestines of War.

[Rob pounds his fist on the counter.]

Video Store Clerk:
It's 20 days overdue! Hello? Hello!?!

GIR:
Who is it?!

[GIR hangs up the phone.]

Zim:
This is the hundredth time, GIR. You have to stop watching this thing or- AH, WHAT IS THAT?! [tv displays an FBI warning, the warning reads,

GIR:
Shhhhh!

[Zim grunts and howls like a monkey as he runs into the kitchen. The phone rings and GIR answers it.]

Video Store Clerk:
Return that movie!

GIR:
You got any of them taquitos?

Zim:
[back to normal voice] That was them! I have to return this thing now!

GIR:
No! I'm still watching it! I wanna see what happens! I need it! [GIR knocks his bag of Poop Corn off of the couch and starts crying.] Whu...WHHHHHHHHYYYYYY!?! [Zim takes the DVD of the movie and walks out the door with it. GIR runs around in circles screaming and crying. He stops running and hops in place. He holds his head and screams a long high pitched scream and then falls to the floor, asleep and snoring.]

Tallest Purple:
Malfunctioning SIR units. Hey! These things are dangerous! Someone could be seriously hurt! Send 'em to Zim!

Tallest Red:
[mock gasp] But they'll destroy him! [he and Tallest Purple both laugh.]

Zim:
VICTORY!

Dib:
What do you mean, "victory?" Your robot exploded and you didn't destroy me!

Zim:
It was a trick! Yes! Eh... my plan was to... steal this camera from you! So you couldn't show these pictures! Ha!

[Dib tackles Zim and they roll around in the dirt. Zim breaks out of Dib's grasp still holding the camera.]

Dib:
Give it back! Come on!

Zim:
[moving the camera back and forth between each of his hands] No. Uh-uh. No way. Uh-uh.

Dib:
[snatches the camera from Zim] Victory for Earth!

Zim:
You had the lens cap on.

Dib:
I did not, I... [discovers that he really did have the lens cap on; frustrated] GAAAAAAGHH!

Zim:
VICTORY! VICTORY FOR ZIM! [a part of the Megadoomer falls on top of him]

Dib:
[a bird swoops down and steals the camera] Well, I liked that camera, but I guess this is a victory for me. Yeah. Or something. I'm going back to bed.

Zim:
I'm the only one here with the technology to decode the files!

Dib:
And we're the only ones here with the files to be decoded!

GIR:
And I'M... he he he. I dunno.

Dib:
Your base, our disc, Zim.

Zim:
As soon as we destroy Tak, I'm gonna feed your brains to my robot!

Dib:
Deal!

GIR:
Yay! Brains!

GIR:
[out of duty mode, falls to the floor]HEY FLOOR, MAKE ME A SAMMICH!

Zim:
That’s better...! I think.

Dib:
This is… this is just incredible! I should… I should see if this whatever-it-is really will help me deal with Zim! I gonna head over to his base! Hey, I'm speaking out loud to myself in an unnatural manner. [shrugs] Oh, well.

Zim:
[answers the door after Dib knocks] Huh?

Dib:
I've got a few things to tell you, Zim. [pan up to the sky as the sun changes from mid-day to early evening, pan back down] And that's all I have to say about that.

Zim:
[pondering] Ehh… okay. [goes back inside his house for a few seconds, and reappears with a suitcase and Gir] I can't argue with that, Dib. You've won. I'm giving myself up to the Earth authorities. [to Gir] It's been nice working with you, Gir. Now, self-destruct.

Gir:
Finally! [laughs, emits out a high-pitched noise, and explodes]

[A police car pulls up in front of Zim's house, and Zim gets in and drives away]

Dib:
This feeling, the power! It isn't going away! Things really are going to be different for me! At last! [makes a fighting pose] YAH!

[Membrane house; Professor Membrane and Gaz watch Dib being interviewed on live TV]

TV Reporter:
You've opened the world's eyes to the existence of aliens, Dib! Now what?

Dib:
There are many other mysteries still unsolved. I figured, you know… I'll do some of that. [smiles at the camera while the flashes of cameras and microphones surround him]

Zim:
DIB!

Dib:
[enters the room, with Claire Danes holding his arms] It's been years, Zim.

Zim:
Twenty of your years to be precise, enduring these indignities. The only reason I have not tried to escape is because it amuses me.

Dib:
Amuses you to what?

Zim:
Ah, yes! The invasion!

Dib:
I didn't ask you about the invasion.

Zim:
Oh, you didn't? Well, you were supposed to. Well, they'll be here! The armada will come and there's nothing you can do about it!

Dib:
We'll see, Zim. We'll see.

Dib:
[standing on a podium] To better study the coming alien menace… [shoots down an alien ship with his goggles; continues talking] I am proud to open the Dib Institute of Paranormal Studies/School of Paranormal Tolerance/Museum/Snack Bar!

Dib:
[drawing a diagram of the Massive on a chalkboard, demonstrating in front of a group of soldiers] The Massive, the armada capital ship! The side pods are filled with snacks. It's their weak spot. Alpha…you'll be bringing down the Massive.

Soldier:
But, Dib…sir… Who'll lead alpha squadron?

Dib:
And that's how I was awarded the "Greatest Person Ever to Live" award.

Alan:
You've lived quite a full life, haven't you, Sir Dib?

Dib:
Yes, Alan. It was everything I could have hoped for, and more. And I even got to ride a moose.

Alan:
[laughs] And who could forget that day? Yes, well, we thank you for sharing your incredible life with us and for allowing the human race to survive.

Dib:
Oh, yes. You're welcome.

Alan:
And, oh, if I may say, there's one final question that would settle the curiosity of your many fans. Did you throw the muffin at Zim's head?

Dib:
[chuckles] Wow, that's going back a long ways. As a matter of fact, I did.

Almighty Tallest Purple:
Plasma-Armed battle tanks, Maim-bots, death ray cannons, a sack of taquitos?

Zim:
Just a few supplies I will need to complete my mission.

Gir:
You get my taquitos yet?

Almighty Tallest Red:
Your exile... I mean, mission is to observe the planet, Zim. Not anhialate it.

Zim:
Yes, but I'm quite good at ahnialating.

Gir:
TAQUITOS! And a clown with no head.

Almighty Tallest Purple:
Look. We'd love to grant your request, but we think you're insane. Uh, untrained.

Zim:
Untrained!? Invader Zim!?

Almighty Tallest Red:
You're trained as an invader, Zim. Battle tanks are for hardened soldiers.

Zim:
Hrm!

Almighty Tallest Purple:
Hey! How about we send Zim to Hobo 13? It's the... um... finest military training planet ever. Zim! On Hobo 13, you'll be torn limb from limb!

Almighty Tallest Red:
Evaluated! Evaluated as a soldier! If you pass, we'll send you a BIG bag of battle tanks!

Almighty Tallest Purple:
But not that clown thing.

Gir:
HEADLESS CLOWN! HEADLESS CLOOOOOOOOOOWN!

Zim:
[knocks GIR aside] Very well, my Tallest! To obtain my tanks, I will allow the evacuation of my incredible brain meats. Zim out!

Gir:
How about clown taquitos? [Zim ends transmission]

Almighty Tallest Red:
As you can see, brave Invader Zim has begun his journey to the Fortress of Pain!

Almighty Tallest Purple:
Anyone wanna bet that Zim gets blown up?

Irken 1:
A thousand moneyz something eats him up!

Almighty Tallest Purple:
All right. Anyone for chopped in half?

Irken 2:
OOHH! I bet two thousand moneyz!

Sergeant Hobo 678:
This circle is surrounded by a transportation field. First person to be pushed through that field gets transported to-

Zim:
The Holding Pen of Pain?

Sergeant Hobo 678:
No. It's FULL! Now the loser gets sent to...THE OUTHOUSE OF MADNESS!

Sergeant Hobo 678:
You are the worst student I've ever had!

Zim:
[Cutting him off] Perhaps you have trained me too well!

Sergeant Hobo 678:
[Disappointed] No really, you're the worst.

Dib:
You'll never get away with this, Zim! I'm going to… [slowed down] expose you… [speeding up] for the horrible alien menace that you are… [normally] and scoop your insides out!