Jeeves and Wooster, Season 4

[Bertie wakens with a terrific hangover]

Bertie Wooster:
Jeeves, I'm — I'm getting too old for all this. I feel like something that's been rejected by the Pure Food Committee.

[Claude and Eustace argue over Marion, a nightclub singer with whom they're both infatuated]

Claude:
Have you come back to inflict your beastly society on Miss Wardour?

Eustace:
Is that why you sneaked back in this underhand fashion?

Claude:
Underhand? I like that! Well, may the best man win, that's what I say.

Bertie:
Never mind about the best man. What about me? Suppose Aunt Agatha finds out.

Jeeves:
In my experience, ladies who spell "Gwladys" with a "w" are seldom noted for their reliability, sir. It gives them romantic notions.

Bertie Wooster:
This is a bit steep, Jeeves.

Jeeves:
Approaching the perpendicular, sir.

[Bertie proposes kidnapping a small child to solve a problem]

Jeeves:
I regret that the terms of my employment do not permit me to take part in criminal activity, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
[dismissively] What rot, Jeeves. We're only going to borrow him for an hour. In any case, there's nothing remotely criminal about bringing two loving hearts together.

Jeeves:
That is not an assertion I should care to see tested in a court of law, sir.

Jeeves:
I attended the performance of a cinema film recently in which the estranged parents of the child were brought together again by the tot in question.

Bertie Wooster:
Well, how?

Jeeves:
If I remember rightly, sir, it said, "Dadda, doesn't 'oo love Mummy no more?"

Bertie Wooster:
"Dadda, doesn't 'oo love Mummy no more?" And that did the trick, did it, Jeeves?

Jeeves:
Oh, yes, indeed, sir. The picture concluded with a close-up of the happy pair in fond embrace, with the child looking on with natural gratification.

Jeeves:
[training the baby] No, you must say "kiss Tuppy"... I'm sorry, unless you comply with our wishes in this matter, no more toffees will be forthcoming.

Tuppy Glossop:
What about the money you owe me?

Alexander Slingsby:
I don't owe you one goddamn red cent! My wife looked up your cockamamie soup in a cookbook!

Tuppy Glossop:
It's Cock-a-Leekie! And my nanny never wrote a cookbook.

Alexander Slingsby:
She didn't have to! It's in every cookbook from here to Vladivostok!

Nobby Hopwood:
This isn't another idea for getting Clam and Uncle Percy together?

Bertie Wooster:
Absolutely! Yes, "the simplicity of genius" is a phrase you might find springing unbidden to your lips.

Stilton Cheesewright:
Don't "what ho" me. I know why you're in New York. You're here for a bit of snake-in-the-grassing.

Bertie Wooster:
Snake-in-the...?

Stilton Cheesewright:
Grassing!

Florence Craye:
[referring to Stilton] D'Arcy Cheesewright is an uncouth Cossack!

Bertie Wooster:
Isn't that one of those things clergymen wear?

Jeeves:
When I was in service with Lord Worplesden, sir, Mr. Fittleworth contracted an engagement to Lady Florence.

Bertie Wooster:
Boko Fittleworth did? Huh. I never knew that. This tendency on the part of the human race to rush around getting engaged to Florence is absolutely inexplicable.

George Caffyn:
I fell asleep! I didn't wake up till Nobby was banging on the door. I don't know where girls get these expressions from, Bertie.

Bertie Wooster:
What expressions?

George Caffyn:
I couldn't repeat 'em, not with gentlemen present.

Bertie Wooster:
[playing the piano while singing] This Irving Berlin fellow seems to have come a bit of a cropper here, Jeeves.

Jeeves:
Sir?

Bertie Wooster:
This new song of his — too many words, not enough notes.

Jeeves:
If you'll pardon me for saying so, sir, it seems to be a reasonably straightforward syncopated 5/4 time signature. If you were to accent the words "if," "where" and "fashion," I think you'd find that the correct rhythmic pattern would emerge.

Bertie Wooster:
"If," "where" and "fashion." Right. [playing and singing] "If you're blue and you don't know where to go to / Why don't you go where fashion sits / Puttin' on the Ritz." Well, he more or less gets away with it, Jeeves, but what about this? "Spangled gowns upon a beauty of hand-me-downs on clown and cutie, all misfits, Puttin' on the Ritz"? Well, just as well for him he chose the Ritz, Jeeves. Imagine the trouble he'd have gone into if he'd decided to write about putting on the Regency. Now, where do you suppose he'd find a rhyme for "Regency," Jeeves?

Jeeves:
Ah... "with due expediency," sir?

Bertie Wooster:
[trying it out on the piano] "With due expediency / Puttin' on the Regency." It doesn't really work, does it, Jeeves?

Jeeves:
Very true, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Sorry, Bingo, out of the question. I will not go through all that again. Telling him my pen name was Rosie M. Banks and that I'd written all those frightful novels.

Bingo Little:
Not for me?

Bertie Wooster:
Not for you nor a dozen like you.

Bingo Little:
I never thought to hear those words from Bertie Wooster!

Bertie Wooster:
Yeah. Yes, well, you've heard them now! Paste them into your hat!

Sir Roderick Glossop:
The Glossop method is based on the patient being given an excess of whatever it is he most desires — as it may be alcohol or the companionship of the opposite sex or, as in Lord Bittlesham's case, food. The patient will eventually revolt at the sheer immoderation of it and voluntarily deny himself.

Bertie Wooster:
Ah, sort of get it out of his system.

Sir Roderick Glossop:
Precisely.

Bertie Wooster:
Is it successful?

Sir Roderick Glossop:
It's theoretically impeccable, Bertie, and extremely popular.

Bertie Wooster:
Yes, yes, I should think it would be.

Bertie Wooster:
Um, a problem has arisen in the life of, uh, a friend of mine, Jeeves, who shall remain nameless, and I want — or rather he wants — your advice.

Jeeves:
Certainly, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Well, ah, I must begin by saying that this is one of those delicate problems where not only must my friend be nameless, but all the other personnel as well.

Jeeves:
Would you prefer it if we were to term the protagonists A and B, sir?

Bertie Wooster:
Yes, or North and South.

Jeeves:
A and B is more customary, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Yes, well, you know best, Jeeves. Very well. Now then, A is male and B female. You follow me so far?

Jeeves:
You have been lucidity itself, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Bingo, old can of fruit!

Bingo Little:
What ho, Bertie.

Stilton Cheesewright:
[referring to Bertie's cocktail] Now what do you suppose those things are doing to your eye?

Bertie Wooster:
For your information, Cheesewright, one does not administer alcohol by the eye, or even by the ear. The mouth is the correct orifice.

Stilton Cheesewright:
Not if one's meant to be in training for the Drones' darts tournament, it isn't.

Bertie Wooster:
Ah, yes, of course, you've drawn me in the sweepstake, haven't you? Well, your money is safe, Cheesewright. The Wooster form is as devastating as ever.

Stilton Cheesewright:
We want a win this year, Wooster, not another dratted tie. I happened to look into the Drones this afternoon. Freddie Widgeon was at the darts board, stunning everyone with a performance that — took the breath away.

Bertie Wooster:
Tcha!

Stilton Cheesewright:
Eh?

Bertie Wooster:
I said "tcha!" scornfully, with ref. to F. Widgeon. I know his form backwards.

Stilton Cheesewright:
He's knocked off smoking, you know!

Bertie Wooster:
No!

Stilton Cheesewright:
He takes a cold bath every morning!

Bertie Wooster:
[shrugs] He's forgotten where the hot tap is.

[at the Mottled Oyster]

Florence Craye:
This is wonderful! What horrible people! Are all nightclubs like this?

Bertie Wooster:
Ah, well, this is about average for the unlicensed places.

Florence Craye:
Unlicensed?

Bertie Wooster:
You said you wanted somewhere low and garish.

Florence Craye:
Oh no, I'm not complaining. This is just the sort of place I pictured Rollo coming to that night!

Bertie Wooster:
Rollo?

Florence Craye:
The hero of my novel. Rollo Beeminster. He's in a wild mood, reckless, desperate. He's lost the girl he loves, and he comes to this low nightclub trying to forget, but it's useless. He looks around him at the glitter and garishness and feels how hollow it all is.

Bertie Wooster:
Yes. [clears throat] I saw Stilton at the Drones tonight.

Florence Craye:
Oh, yes?

Bertie Wooster:
Yes, he was in a wild mood. He looked about him at the Drones' smoking room and I could see he was feeling what a hollow... smoking room it was.

Aunt Dahlia:
Oh, Bertie, if magazines had ears, Milady's Boudoir would be up to them in debt. I've got nasty little men in bowler hats knocking at my door.

Bertie Wooster:
Well, I can't possibly come down to Brinkley, aged aunt. If I'm seen within a twenty-mile radius of Florence Craye, I get my spine broken.

Aunt Dahlia:
Oh, you're so selfish, Bertie. You don't know how important this is to me.

Bertie Wooster:
Well you don't know how important my spine is to me. I'm very attached to it.

Bertie Wooster:
If that doesn't leave me without a stain on my character, well, then I don't know what it does leave me without a stain on.

Bertie Wooster:
[watching Aunt Dahlia and Trotter seal the deal on Milady's Boudoir] He's kissed her on the cheek! Good Lord.... She's slapped him on the back... now she's helping him up, dusting down his suit...

[After the darts tournament, which, for the 17th year in a row, has ended in a tie]

Bertie Wooster:
You know, Jeeves, I can't help thinking, somewhere at the back of my mind, there must be a better method of deciding the championship than playing the best of six games.

Jeeves:
It does seem likely, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Perhaps the best of eight would do it.

Jeeves:
Possibly, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Ten. Exhaustion might yet result, if nothing else.

Jeeves:
I'm sure the Sports Committee will find a way, sir — given time.

Bertie Wooster:
I know Stiffy. I'd run a mile in tight shoes for her. But she lacks that, that balanced judgment that one likes to see in girls.

Bertie Wooster:
Oh, stop playing with the hat, Jeeves. I knew you wouldn't like it.

Jeeves:
Oh, not at all, sir! Oh, good heavens, it has its name printed on the inside! How convenient!

Madeline Bassett:
I'm furious with Augustus.

Bertie Wooster:
Oh, surely not!

Madeline Bassett:
He was so rude about Roderick.

Bertie Wooster:
Never!

Madeline Bassett:
He said to Daddy that he was sick and tired of seeing Roderick clumping about the place as if it belonged to him, and if Daddy had an ounce more sense than a billiard ball, he would charge him rent. He was most offensive!

Bertie Wooster:
Well, h-h-he said it with a light laugh.

Madeline Bassett:
No.

Bertie Wooster:
Well, you might not have noticed it. Very easy to miss these light laughs.

Sir Watkyn Bassett:
Perhaps you have hidden depths, Wooster, is that it?

Bertie Wooster:
I don't think so. No one's ever mentioned it, anyway.

["Oh By Jingo"]

Bertie Wooster:
Oh by gee by gosh by gum by Jove!

Roderick Spode:
Oh by Jove, oh by Jove, oh by Jove!

Bertie Wooster:
Oh By Jingo, won't you hear our love?

Madeline Bassett:
Will you kindly raise your voice?

Roderick Spode, Stiffy Byng, Rev. Stinker Pinker:
Louder!

Sir Watkyn Bassett:
We will build for you a hut!

Major Plank, Chief Toto:
Yes!

Roderick Spode:
You will be our favourite nut!

Major Plank, Chief Toto:
Correct!

Bertie Wooster:
We'll have a lot of little oh-by-Joveses!

Jeeves:
Dress them up in clogs and clotheses.

Bertie Wooster:
Oh By Jingo said by gosh by gee!

Major Plank, Chief Toto:
G, A, B, C, D, E, stop!

Madeline Bassett:
Oh by jiminy, please don't bother me!

Roderick Spode, Major Plank, Chief Toto:
Bother her, bother her!

Bertie Wooster:
So they all went away, saying

All:
Oh by gee by gosh by gum by Oh By Jingo, by gee, you're the only one for me!

Jeeves:
Bring me lobster on a clean plate!

Bertie Wooster:
Ha! Do you ever feel like throwing open the window and shouting that the world is a wonderful place, Jeeves?

Jeeves:
Erm... no, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Or dancing in the street, scattering petals on the passers-by?

Jeeves:
Only infrequently, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Good Lord! Ginger Winship!

Ginger Winship:
Bertie! Nice to see you!

Bertie Wooster:
You down here for the wedding?

Ginger Winship:
No, no. There's a by-election. I'm standing for Parliament.

Bertie Wooster:
No!

Ginger Winship:
I am!

Bertie Wooster:
But you're an absolute idiot, Ginger!

Ginger Winship:
I know!

Bertie Wooster:
Something up with the bath?

Jeeves:
The water appears reluctant to drain, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Oh. Pulled the plug out, have you?

Jeeves:
That was amongst the first things I thought of, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Yes, well I'm sorry, Ginger, but there's a snag here. I expect you've spotted it.

Ginger Winship:
Florence.

Bertie Wooster:
Well done.

Ginger Winship:
No, it's all right. I'm going to get Florence to break our engagement.

Bertie Wooster:
No, no, no, no, no! Ginger, let's not be hasty!

Ginger Winship:
I'm going to lose the election.

Bertie Wooster:
How? The voters of Totleigh-in-the-Wold would elect Bobsey the cloth-eared bunny rabbit if he was wearing a blue rosette.

[Bertie sits in his bedroom while Jeeves cleans in the adjacent bathroom]

Bertie Wooster:
Who was that fellow with the circles, Jeeves?

Jeeves:
You are perhaps thinking of the Florentine poet Dante Alighieri, sir, who, in the first part of his Divina Commedia, is conducted by Virgil through the nine circles of Hell.

Bertie Wooster:
That's the chap. Well, those fellows he bumped into had it easy.

Jeeves:
One could beg to take issue with you there, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Were any of them engaged to marry Florence Craye?

Jeeves:
The poet makes no mention of it, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Or condemned to stand, whey-faced and trembling, at the altar steps while Madeline Bassett advanced on them, up the aisle, on the arm of her father?

Jeeves:
Indeed not, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Well, it had to happen to somebody one day, I suppose. And it happened to me today. Fate has dealt me the royal flush, Jeeves: I'm engaged to Madeline Bassett and Lady Florence at the same time.

[Jeeves immediately stops cleaning and enters the bedroom]

Jeeves:
Oh. [pause] Oh dear, sir.

Madeline Bassett:
[about Bertie] I think he's having a brainstorm!

Aunt Agatha:
What with?

[Bertie has pretended to faint]

Madeline Bassett:
We should loosen his collar.

Jeeves:
I hardly think such drastic measures are called for, Miss Bassett.