King of the Hill, Season 2

Bobby Hill:
Wow, I always thought this was a crack house.

Bobby:
Can I put a gun rack on my bike?

Hank:
Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that?

Hank Hill:
Why don't we get you into one of those safety courses and if you're still interested after they've taken all the fun out of it, then we'll see about the ponchos and the... uh... tournament.

Dale:
Guns don't kill people, the government does.

Peggy Hill:
I still love you!

Cotton Hill:
Sorry I'm late, I had to stop at the wax museum and give the finger to FDR.

Hank Hill:
Six AM and already the boy ain't right...

Hank Hill:
Don't play mind checkers with me, man. I'm not in the mood.

Dale Gribble:
This tornado's already registered a level two on the Fujisaki [sic] scale. A storm that strong will send an egg through a barn door -- two barn doors if one of them's open.

Dale Gribble:
All right, twister. It's just you and me now. Ten years ago you took my shed. [the twister's image is reflected on his shades] Did you think I'd forget that? Come on, bring it on! [a raindrop hits the windshield] GAAHH!! No! Please, let me go! [Dale panics, and the Dead Bug veers out of control]

Hank Hill:
Come on. [honks horn] Come on! Let's go! Move that truck! [a worker walks towards his truck] My wife is stuck in Shining Pines.

Decontamination Worker:
I'm not authorized to drive the truck, sir.

Hank Hill:
My wife is in danger, damn it! Now make something happen!

Decontamination Worker:
[blows whistle] SECURITY!!!

Hank Hill:
Bill, thank God! Make this idiot let me pass.

Hank Hill:
What did I do to deserve this? I didn't mean to curse my wife to Hell!

Hank Hill:
[worried] Ohh...

Hank Hill:
Ahhh... AAHH!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Bobby Hill:
This is the chance I've been waiting for!

Hank:
You're tough, Bill.You're the toughest Army barber I know.

Dale:
Set your mousse to stun, there, Bill.

Nancy Gribble:
Mention your home was destroyed, and get a free 5-pound bag of onions.

Hank Hill:
Fine. But I think you owe my lawn an apology. *pauses* We're waiting!

Dale Gribble:
Booooo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence! Who wants candy?

Peggy:
Luanne and Bobby are at Junie Harper's house

Hank:
[Nearly chokes on his beer before swallowing] I came very close to spitting out beer!

Luanne:
Halloween is a satanic holiday. It was invented by the Dru-ish.

Hank:
Maybe I should tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!

Hank:
Dale, you giblet-head, if you were gonna cheat, why'd you buy a frozen bass?

Dale:
I had a coupon.

Bobby:
Are you taking me to the vet?

Bobby:
Hey I'm dressed like a football coach! You call that a block?!

Bobby:
Dad, a man took pictures of me!

Hank:
(finding Luanne in bed with Buckley) I'm in a crisis situation here, I gotta go find Bobby. You two take turns kicking each other's asses.

Dale Gribble:
I thought we agreed to never discuss the horrors we saw on the killing fields of the Family Fun Center.

Cane Skretteberg:
I don't care how many guys you held in the men's room, you still can't beat us!

Luanne:
This is a great Xerox of you!

Bobby:
Hey his scoop's bigger.

Pops:
And there's doodies in there, right!?

Hank:
(Shouting to Bobby stumbling around on the roof) It's a roof! Not American Bandstand!

Dale:
When I need to correct Joseph, I tell him he's adopted.

Peggy Hill:
Did a woman ruin the Supreme Court?

Hank Hill:
Yes, and that woman's name was Earl Warren.

Bobby Hill:
(about an athletic cup) This cup has holes in it. How am I supposed to drink out of this?

Doug the basketball coach:
Bounce a ball in hockey?! Well that's a mandatory drug test right there!

Wrestling Coach:
Shouldn't you be teaching the girls about their monthlies?

Connie:
I wanna go to a party school! Yeah, Chico State!

Bobby:
Some of the older ones have some breasts!

Bobby:
Can I have some Gatorade now?

Clark Peters:
Hey, Bobby, if you don't beat Connie, we don't know what we'll do. So you better beat her!

Bill:
I'm all for lady's wrestling. Except when they do it in pudding. That's just demeaning to the human beings who make pudding.

Bobby Hill:
(Stereotypical Yiddish accent) Blind he's gone now!

Hank:
Where's my finger?

Bobby:
Are you a war hero like my biological grandfather?

Bobby:
That is so Arizona!

Gary Kazner:
There's a uh, what are those things called?--A semi, a demi, a coupla-dozen-wheelers.

Bill:
I would never join a religion that restricted my diet. I don't want to get into heaven that way.

Hank:
It seems the other eye compensates by shutting itself down. It's one of nature's wonders.

Hank:
I'm not gonna be blind forever you know. And the second I see some ass I'm kicking it. Now no more making fun of my blindness.

Bill:
Okey doke. Bring! Bring! Phone for you, Hank [takes off shoe and gives it to Hank]

[Everyone laughs but Hank]

Hank:
The joke's on you, funny man.

[Hank throws the shoe out of the room. Ladybird chases after it while dragging Hank with her]

Luanne:
OK Luanne, how do they get out of the closet? (gasps) Ohhh, No, that won't work.

Hank:
(whispers) Jimmy the lock with a coathanger.

Luanne:
What? I don't... I can't... hmmm, what?

Hank:
(whispers) Jimmy the lock with a... (sighs) uh, (out loud) I'll save you, Manger Babies.

Luanne:
You will?

Hank:
Yes, uh, cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories and you are fired.

Luanne:
(as the Manger Babies) We're free, we're free, whoo.

Luanne:
Thank you, assistant manager. Me-how can we ever repay you?

Hank:
By never forgetting this lesson. Sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.

Minister:
Bravo, bravo.

Nancy:
You know Luanne really shouldn't waste this kind of talent on church. If you want, I could show this tape to my boss at channel 84. He's always looking for quality children's programming and home videos of things blowing up.

Peggy:
Well, Luanne really could use a boost right now, but I could not take advantage of our friendship like that, no.

Nancy:
Oh, Peggy, honey. This is show business. That's what friends do.

Hank:
Suffering is a part of every religion, Peggy. I mean ... look at what the Jews have been through, and you never hear them complaining.

Hank Hill:
Hey Vickers, who do you like for the Super Bowl next year? The Doopie Loopies or the Shimmie Shammies? [Laughing]

Vickers:
Okay, okay, very funny. But I like the Bills.

Buck Strickland:
Got-dangit Hank, I'm having an infarction!

Kahn Souphanousinphone:
Here's key. Lock little sticky. You got to rake it like there's no tomorrow.

Hank Hill:
This is a car key.

Kahn Souphanousinphone:
Yeah, you win new car. This big game show. Just rake it stupid.

Judge:
You will pay the condo manager 8,000 pesos.

Dale Gribble:
But if the key does fit then you must acquit--.

Judge:
10,000 pesos. Baliff, confiscate their identification.

Dale:
Now just follow my lead and play it cool.

Hank:
What if they find Kahn?

Dale:
If I know my Mexican legal system, which I do, we'll get about 15 years with a starvation diet of moldy bread and warm water.

Hank:
Distilled water?

Dale:
(chuckling): No. And of course there is a total lack of toilet paper...and privacy.

Hank:
Oh, God, I can't go while people watch.

Dale:
Then let me do the talking.

Border Guard:
Morning. Where are you gentlemen from?

Dale:
(voice breaking): Arlen, Texas.

Border Guard:
I've been to Arlen. Nice town.

Dale:
Run!

Hank:
I think we lost them. We'll be okay.

Dale:
Okay?! We're screwed!

Hank:
No, we're American. We got to find a pay phone and hope Ross Perot's 800 number's still working.

Kahn:
Why you want to call that nut for? Border right there. Millions of people cross over every day. We can, too. No big deal.

Hank:
Illegally? No! America is my country and I love her. I wouldn't enter her in any way that's unnatural.

Dale:
We have no choice, Hank. The I.N.S. had their cameras trained on us. The border guards think we're smugglers. I'm too pretty to go to jail!

Hank:
It says here I owe $40 and that can't be true. I always bring back my tapes. Look for yourself, I've returned The Great Santini 23 times.

Store Clerk:
Okay, Hank Hill, June 23rd. Yeah, you rented and never returned Cuffs & Collars.

Hank:
I've never even heard of that. Have you?

Peggy:
Nuh-uh. Unless it's got the name Merchant, Ivory, or Billy Crystal above the title. I am not interested.

Bobby:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're buying me a movie for my birthday. That's why we're here, right?

Luanne:
Really, Bobby. They haven't said anything.

Hank:
Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs & Collars?

Bobby:
Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late, cause he's dead, but not really.

Hank:
So you've seen it?

Bobby:
No.

Hank:
How about you, Luanne.

Luanne:
(nods no)

Bobby:
Oh no. You're not getting a movie, Bobby (laughs). You are so smooth.

Hank:
No, we didn't rent it. So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself whatever you think is fair, we'll be on our way.

Store Clerk:
I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.

Hank:
I told you I didn't rent the tape, now who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!

Store Clerk:
I'm not calling you a liar, sir.

Hank:
Fine. Now where's the ass on this thing?

Peggy:
(sighs) I need a dryer, Hank. Just pay for the tape.

Hank:
Absolutely not. I won't pay for someone else's screw up. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now. Where would Cuff's & Collars be, Action Adventure, Action Comedy, Action Action?

Store Clerk:
Make a left.

Hank:
Okay. (realizes he's in the adult section and he rushes out) BWAHHHHH!

Boomhauer:
Yeah, man, talkin 'bout that dang ol' Cuffs and Collars, man, like when they come over to clean that pool, man, it starts goin' wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka...

Dale Gribble:
Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose. By now, your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe, and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as... "the Beast".

Dale Gribble:
Who's not a quitter? My dead friend Hank Hill or my new friend Rusty Shackleford?

Hank:
(phone rings) Strickland Propane. Taste the meat, not the heat.

Matt:
Hank?

Hank:
Speaking.

Matt:
How ya doin'? It's Matt.

Hank:
Oh, hey, Matt. How ya been?

Matt:
Pretty good. Pretty good.

Hank:
Uh-huh.

Matt:
So, how's, uh, Peggy?

Hank:
Uh, she's fine, and how's uh, do I know you?

Matt:
Hank, if you like Cuffs & Collars, you're gonna love Rugburn, Too and by Rugburn, Too I mean Rugburn also. Rugburn II isn't very good.

Hank:
What? But, who is this?

Matt:
You know, Matt, from Consenting Adults, the country's largest supply of mail order adult entertainment. How many can I put you down for?

Hank:
Zero. God, please, watch your mouth. This is an interstate phone line. How did you get this number?

Matt:
Not important. What is important is that we have a bigger selection and lower prices than Arlen Video.

Hank:
What?! Arlen Video told you I rent pornography?! Uh, (Sees Buck Strickland and his co-workers and gasps), who plays the most hits? Y104! Heh, okay. Ah-heh, crazy morning zoo.

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt:
Mama got outta prison! ( runs to the garage)

Peggy Hill:
(gasps and drops Ladybird's food dish in shock) Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I told them medium security would not be enough to hold that woman!

Luanne Platter:
No, she didn't escape, She was released! She's coming to visit on Saturday!

Hank Hill:
Uh...she's coming here?

Luanne Platter:
Oh, I can't wait to tell Daddy! Oh, we're gonna be a family again! (excitedly exits the garage)

Peggy Hill:
I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!

Bobby Hill:
Whoa.

Hank Hill:
Yeah, I was all set to start a TV cabinet on Saturday, but it's gonna hafta wait a day. Luanne's mama is coming to visit.

Dale Gribble:
(spits out his beer in shock) That woman is a menace to society.

Bill Dauterive:
Well, I dunno, I never met the lady, but she did her time.

Boomhauer:
I tell you what, ain't no dang ol' lady 'bout her man. She get all liquored up man, all comin' on strong an' pawin' me like a dang ol' animal, man. I tell her "no means no!"

Hank Hill:
Yeah, Leanne is bad news I tell you what. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal until Leanne "entertained" at his bachelor party. [sighs] So he marries Leanne and after 18 years of drunken hell, she stabs him with a fork.

Dale Gribble:
I never thought I'd say this, but, I don't think I can finish my beer.

Peggy Hill:
Honey, marriage is about trust and she...well she betrayed him. It was like a knife in his heart when she stuck that fork in his back.

Leanne Platter:
Oh, you have such a lovely home here. Of course if somebody turned on a fire hose it would all be ruined.

Hank Hill:
Hey, Leanne. How's that job search coming along?

Leanne Platter:
Not so good. My best reference just went in for chemical castration.

Bill Dauterive:
We're engaged!

Leanne Platter:
It was supposed to be a surprise! (punches Bill and burps) I need a smoke!

Bill Dauterive:
This is the happiest day of my life!

Peggy Hill:
I will not have you running around all glammed up like Phyllis Diller!

Luanne Platter:
You're not my mama! Mama is my mama!

Peggy Hill:
Luanne, you are never gonna see her for who she is. Well, I am sorry, but I have not got time for pain. The next time that woman breaks your heart, I'm not gonna be waiting there to say "I told you so."

Luanne Platter:
Mama, please!

Leanne Platter:
Will you quit callin' me that?! I might be 34.

Peggy Hill:
Excuse me, ma'am, but that was my fork.

Dale Gribble:
Poor Peggy, she's dead.

Peggy Hill:
Leanne, whether you like the title or not you are this girl's mother. She has been waiting her whole life for just a shred of attention from you. But you don't even know how to return a fraction of the love you get from your child or even from your man. I hope someday you can live without alcohol, but until that day we can all live very nicely without you.

Leanne Platter:
I kicked your brother's ass and I will kick yours too, sissy!

Peggy Hill:
Well, there's one thing you didn't count on. My brother has got size 6 feet, but I don't! Ho-yeah! (throws Leanne to the ground with her feet and kicks her)

Bill Dauterive:
If she doesn't come back, that means she and I weren't meant to be and if she does come back, well then...then I'll call the police.

Hank:
Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug you.

Witchard:
Bobby, I need a soda!

Bobby:
Yes, Mr. Witchard.

Witchard:
Not that way! Just run across.

Bobby:
But the track?!

Witchard:
Don't back-talk the boss man! Ain't you ever cross the highway?! Run where there ain't any cars!

Bobby:
They're going too fast!

Witchard:
Do it you- you monkey boy! I'm the boss of you!

Hank:
What the hell. BOBBY NO! What are you doing?

Bobby:
I'm going to cross the track and bring Mr. Witchard a soda.

Hank:
That's crazy! Why would you do something like that?

Bobby:
I'm giving 110%, Dad.

Witchard:
Go-to here, Go-to boy. I want a soda! Go-to now, you!

Hank:
BWAAAAAHHH!!!

Announcer:
There's a crazy man on the track!

Hank:
BWAAAAAHHH!!!

Announcer:
Oh, and there goes Gordon into the wall!

Pit crew guy:
You're up!

Dale and Bill:
Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Yeah!

Witchard:
Ah! (laughing) You can't get me!

Hank:
BWAAAAAHHH!!! (breaks the caged fence and chases after Witchard)

Witchard:
(screams)

Bobby Hill:
There's some milk in the fridge that is about to go bad....and there it goes.

Bobby Hill:
There are 96 ridges on every checker...except this one.

Unidentified feminist singer:
I met a guy in my boxing class and I slept with him before I kicked his ass!

Buckley:
Sir, there's no yelling in the propane department. Some of these gases are extremely valublilous.

Boomhauer:
Hey man, is this dang ol' 911? Hey listen, there's a dang ol' fire in here, and dang ol' Mega-Lo-Mart went boom!

911 Operator:
Sir, you are going to have to speak a lot more slowly.

Boomhauer:
Dang... ol'... Mega-Lo-Mart... done git went got it, and dang ol' boom!

Peggy:
HAAAAAANNNNNKKKK!

Bill:
CHUUUUUCCCCCKKK!

Mega Lo Mart Employee:
Buckley and Luanne are in there!

Hank:
MEGA-LO-MART?! WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO TO HELL AND WORK FOR THE DEVIL?!

Luanne:
Good thing I don't have dangerous brain powers, or right now you'd be in a thousand little pieces!

Bobby Hill:
This gun is very nice.

Hank Hill:
Yeah, they’re all nice guns and all guns are nice.

Hank:
Dale, the NRA is a Washington DC based organization. Are you telling me you support Washington D.C.?!

Dale:
*pause* THAT'S a thinker...

Hank:
[To Luanne] Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talkin'!

Hank:
Where's my finger?

Buck has been hospitalized. Hank and the four Strickland branch managers visit him

Buck:
Listen up, we are a family, and the daddy ain't feeling so good. Ladies, I got a shot coming. If you girls would please step outside? It is rude for such pretty gals like you to have to see my bare bottom.

Female managers giggle and depart

Buck:
OK, now that the skirts are out in the hallway we can get down to business. Hank, you are my right hand man, and I need you to take on this important job.

Hank:
Yes, sir?

Buck:
I need you to feed my hounds.

Hank:
Uh, sir?

Buck:
Tell them that you will love them! Vickers, you run the company, whole shebang.

Vickers:
Yes, sir!

Buck:
Let's see what that fancy business school degree of yours is worth.

Hank:
Sir, I fail to see what a business degree has over my 15 years of service to Strickland Propane!

Buck:
I let you light the torch, didn't I? Right now my hounds are starving!

Dale Gribble (to Hank Hill):
You don't know me, I am unknowable.