Kitchen Nightmares, Season 1

Gordon:
When was the last time you went inside the walk-in fridge?

Peter:
I had a hot flash last week.

Gordon:
A hot flash?! What does that mean?

Peter:
I mean, I was like, hot and I walked in here for a second.

John:
Peter's like one of those guys who eats out a lot, so he assumes he knows about cooking in restaurants. He has no clue about the kitchen.

Peter:
Can someone get me Tina, please? I need orange juice.

Gordon:
You want Tina to stop now and get you a glass of orange juice?!

Peter:
Don't I have anybody that can get me orange juice?

Gordon:
Peter. Look at me. (Bleep) yourself.

(Day two, 11:
55 a.m. - kitchen inspection)

Narrator:
Having discovered the terrible conditions in the kitchen, Gordon now ventures down to the basement to check out what's lurking below.

Gordon:
What's that smell?

(Gordon finds a rat trap.)

Gordon:
What?!! (to Mohammed) What is that? Is that for rats or mice?

Mohammed:
This is food for to catch a rat.

Gordon:
So we have got rats here.

Mohammed:
Rat is all over the place.

(Gordon moves aside a refrigeration unit, then notices droppings underneath the unit.)

Gordon:
That's rat droppings. Look at them all, everywhere.

Mohammed:
Rats.

Gordon:
Rats. Oh my good God.

(Gordon notices some cockroaches.)

Gordon:
Look at the cockroaches.

(Gordon opens a cardboard box.)

Gordon:
Oh my God, look. I've got one in my (bleep) hair, that's cockroaches. The box is full of them.

(Gordon opens another cardboard box.)

Gordon:
Look, look at them all.

(Gordon opens the refrigeration unit.)

Gordon:
Oh my God, look. There they are, there in the refrigeration. Oh (bleep). Oh my God. Oh no. LOOK AT THAT! Oh my God, look at it. (to Mohammed) There you go, there you go.

Mohammed:
(interview) I was shocked. It's like a nightmare.

Gordon:
(finds a half tomato) Where's that from? That's been sliced. That's gone out. Where's that-- Hey madam, where's that tomato gone?

(the other half is being served on a dish in the dining room.)

Gordon:
(digging through the slugs in the tomato.) Look! It's (bleep) rotten, you (bleep) idiot! IT'S ROTTEEEEEEEEN!! Has a customer just been served a slice of tomato?!!

Server:
No, no, no.

Gordon:
So where is it?!!

Andrew:
(interview) Oh my god.

(A customer starts eating the other half of the tomato.)

Martin:
(interview) Things are looking pretty glum.

Gordon:
Twice baked potato. Thank (bleep) I missed that one twice.

Gordon:
(finding pesto) Oh, (bleep) hell. So that's the pesto I had for lunch. Just look at the colors in there. Look at that, it's moldy.

Gordon:
(to Peter) This is not a time - hey - to laugh and take a (bleep, bleep) out of me. I've eaten this (bleep). What's going on, Peter?

Gordon:
What's this crap here with calamari in a martini glass?

Tom:
We're just trying to do presentation because the dishes we have suck.

Gordon:
"Suck"? I can't believe you'd be so (bleep) polite.

Sebastian:
(walks out of his restaurant) (bleep) arrogant! (bleep) that (bleep)! (to the production team) We're done! Get the (bleep) team out of here! (approaches back entrance) Chef Gordon! (breaks the door open) Chef Gordon! Where the (bleep) are you? Where are you?

Gordon:
I'm here.

Sebastian:
You come into my restaurant?

Gordon:
Yes.

Sebastian:
I'm just so (bleep) disappointed.

Gordon:
Wait. Don't shout here. You're going to calm down?

Sebastian:
Stop pointing your finger at me.

Gordon:
Are you going to calm down?

Sebastian:
Are we going to speak like men? You're going to speak to me like a man?

Gordon:
You didn't listen to what I've told you.

Sebastian:
You didn't listen to what I'm saying.

Gordon:
Did you hear what I've just told you?

Sebastian:
I'm stepping away from you, because I don't want to be too close.

Gordon:
You ungrateful...

Sebastian:
You have no idea!

Gordon:
Nasty, vindictive...

Sebastian:
You have no (bleep) idea!

Gordon:
Joker!

Sebastian:
(Bleep) you! (walks away)

Gordon:
This is it? (follows Sebastian)

Sebastian:
Yeah, it is it! You're very disappointing!

Gordon:
I was expecting (bleep) (bleep) performance tonight!

Sebastian:
Are you (bleep) kidding me?! Your whole act is a (bleep) joke!

Gordon:
Anything else?

Sebastian:
Your whole act is a (bleep) joke! You're a phony!

Gordon:
You shouldn't run like that.

Sebastian:
Run like what?!

Gordon:
Am I supposed to be scared now, Sebastian?

Sebastian:
Come on, give me a break. I'm busting my ass in there. You tell me...

Gordon:
You what?!

Sebastian:
Are you kidding me?!

Gordon:
Let me tell you...

Sebastian:
Are you kidding me?!

Gordon:
Let me tell you something...

Sebastian:
You're telling me nothing! I'm done!

Gordon:
There you go.

Sebastian:
Yes. LOSER! And I'm going to tell you one more time, YOU'RE A (bleep, bleep)!!

Narrator:
After feeling the heat of the firemen, Brian and sous chef Francis get back to work under the watchful eye of Gordon who can't believe what he sees.

[Francis drops a chicken wing on the floor while tossing it in the sauce and he picks up and throws it in the fryer]

Gordon:
Francis, Francis, Francis, Francis. (Bleep) me, he's deaf as a (bleep) bat. Francis, you took it off the floor and put it in the fryer and then back in the sauce.

Francis:
Yeah, well the fryer is gonna...is gonna...take anything that comes off the floor and clean it.

Gordon:
But it fell on the floor.

Francis:
Correct.

Gordon:
Put it back in the fryer.

Francis:
Right into the fryer.

Gordon:
And it cleans it.

Francis:
It cleans it. It sterilizes it.

Gordon:
Sterilizes it?

Francis:
Yeah well...

Gordon:
(Bleep) me! Sterilized it.

[the wings are now being eaten at a table]

Buddy:
What happened with that order?

Francis:
I dropped a wing on the floor, picked it up and stuck it back in the fryer again.

[Buddy's eyes open wide in horror]

Brian:
(interview) We tried to keep everything consistent but some things get messed up every now and then.

Buddy:
What the (bleep) were you thinking?!

Gordon:
(outside) Oh my god. I've never, ever, ever seen anything quite extraordinary as that. Serves food off the floor and serves it to the customer? Oh my god, no!

[Gordon brings Buzzard (Daniel) back to Lela's after Buzzard stole leftover wine and food.]

Gordon:
[shows Lela the stolen food] This is Buzzard's little picnic. Nice little sandwich there, ham, cheese, mustard. Oh, nice big salad. And main course, we're going to tackle some New Zealand lamb.

Buzzard:
I know where that came from.

Gordon:
Stop laughing. Here we are with a restaurant that's financially (bleep) screwed and you're just helping yourself to wine and a four course dinner.

Lex:
(interview) He takes little things every now and then, but I haven't seen him do something like that in a while.

Buzzard:
Now, listen. I'm not gonna stand there and argue with you. You can have that! Okay? (Walks out)

Gordon:
This lady owns it. Buzzard? Unbelievable.

Lela:
(interview) We were thinking that he was doing that but I hadn't caught him in the act and today, well there it is.

Pizza Place:
Hello, Vinny's Authentic Pizza...

Customer:
Hello, I'd like to place an order for a pizza.

Devon:
(interview) It was brilliant for him to be humbled. Michel was of an opinion that "Hey, if I want to serve dog (bleep) on a plate and the customer doesn't like it, too bad."

[Day three, 8:
27 a.m. - closed for business]

Narrator:
Day three. Gordon is determined to get through to this stubborn chef with help from a little shock therapy.

[Signs read "Closed for business", "Foreclosed by bank", "Closed", and "Do not enter".]

Gordon:
Okay, a new day, and I'm determined that is guy is going to finally start listening to what I'm trying to say. So this morning, I've shut the place down, I've bought it up and I'll make him understand that if doesn't start changing and listening to what I'm trying to say, that's the end result.

[Refering to the "Closed for business" sign.]

Gordon:
And that's the end result that no restaurant wants to see.

Gordon:
(taking off his jacket.) (Bleep) hell.

Narrator:
With the restaurant on the verge of success, Chef Michel is insisting on reverting back to his old ways and Gordon has reached his breaking point.

Michel:
Thank you very much.

Gordon:
Cut the (bleep). You don't care anymore. Just get straight to the (bleep) answer.

Michel:
I'm not cutting no (bleep). I'm just telling it like it is.

Gordon:
Get straight to the (bleep) answer.

Michel:
Alright? Your menu's not better than mine, you know?

Gordon:
You're a donkey.

Michel:
My food has been voted best Chef in Ventura county.

Gordon:
WHAT?!!!

Michel:
Yeah, listen.

Gordon:
Hold On, Hold On. Let me finish!! Let me finish!! You put your (bleep) hands up here and listen to me. YOU RUN A (bleep)HOLE OF A KITCHEN!!! (Bleep) YOURSELF!!!

Michel:
NO! NO! NO!

Gordon:
(furious) (bleep) OFF!!! Who the (bleep) are you to turn around and tell me when you work like a PIG?!!! YOU FRENCH PIG!!!

Michel:
Pig?

Gordon:
YOU (bleep) PIG!!!! You're a lazy pig! You're so full of (bleep)! Open your eyes! Take a look around.

Michel:
Big mouth! You're not happy?

Gordon:
I'M (bleep) HAPPY!

Michel:
Go on! You can get out!

Gordon:
(flips Michel off) (Bleep) YOURSELF!!

Michel:
You can get out! It's my (bleep) kitchen!!!

Gordon:
Is It? Well if it's your (bleep) KITCHEN THEN CLEAN IT YOU LAZY (bleep)!!!!!

Michel:
(flabbergasted) No.

Narrator:
With the doors about to open, Gordon gathers the staff for a quick chat.

Gordon:
Right, tonight is a critical, crucial night.

[A bill collector appears on the doorstep.]

Gordon:
Are you with us, or are you...

Bill collector:
No, I'm just waiting for him (Peter).

Gordon:
Okay, but we're really busy right now.

Narrator:
Once again, Peter's has a bill collector on its doorstep.

Gordon:
(to bill collector) You are interfering, that's what I'm saying. Now get out of the way. Would you mind...

Bill collector:
I'm interfering? You gotta wait two minutes. I gotta talk.

Gordon:
Get out of the way.

Bill collector:
What?

Gordon:
Why don't you get out of the way so we can go on?

Bill collector:
You get out of the way. Don't worry about it, I'm talking to him.

Gordon:
No one is getting served from this (bleep) restaurant tonight! Let's make that clear! Yes or no? Anyone against that?

Andrew:
No.

Gordon:
No, good.

Martin:
(interview) That didn't go down too good. He was extremely angry and extremely pissed off.

Gordon:
We are not...ever...again serving any of this food. I don't give a (bleep) what anyone says. Can you go and tell them that the kitchen is closed? Right now! Out there and tell them the truth! Tell them now!

Andrew:
(interview) Gordon was so outraged. So angry. I've never seen anything like it.

Gordon:
(who can be heard in the dining room) FROM GREEN BURGERS, TO (bleep) FURRY CUCUMBERS, TO (bleep) RANCID POTATOES!!!

[The New York Dragons were not on the reservation list thanks to Mike]

Lisa:
(interview) The Dragons were supposed to be on that list and Mike just forgot!

Lisa:
How is that missed? How is that overlooked?

Mike:
Someone-- the dragons just...

Lisa:
Mike, that's what I'm saying.

Mike:
I'm not sure what transpired.

Lisa:
(interview) It was so upsetting. The was no Dragons on there!

Gordon:
My god. For me, it's the most important table. That's embarrasing.

Lisa:
You're overlooking extremely important things!

Mike:
I was not told about the Dragons. I found out...

Lisa:
Well, why do you keep saying that?

Mike:
(losing it) Because I wasn't!! I wasn't told!!

Lisa:
Excuse me, do not talk to me like that!

Mike:
I was told at 7:00 this morning. THAT IT!!! Seriously, I'm pissed off!! DRAGONS ON THE PAPER!!! I'm pissed off!! Not my fault!! Dragons over here, I put them on at 7:00. COULD WE PLEASE MOVE ON?!!! THAT'S IT!!! NOT MY FAULT!!!

Gordon:
(after tasting the crab cakes) They've got it wrong on the menu. It's not a crab cake. It's a crap cake. Because if I eat anymore, I'll be busy crapping for the next hundred and five years.

Gordon:
(finding frozen ravioli that he had for lunch) Bingo. These were my fresh lobster ravioli. Fresh? My (bleep) arse. I've eaten this (bleep)!

Gordon:
This is ten thousand times worse than I thought it would be.

Gordon:
(to Peter) You've got the nerves to tell me you clean the walls every (bleep) Tuesday? Touch it. (bleep) off, will you? Touch the wall, you dirty pig. (to the others) This is disgusting. I'm closing it down. (to Peter) How many has booked?

Peter:
About twenty.

Gordon:
Twenty - forget it. Get the place steam-cleaned from (bleep) head to tail. I don't care, but we're not cooking a (bleep) cookie out of here.

Gordon:
I've never done that before, close down a restaurant, but that was a (bleep) embarassment. Seascape open? (slams closed sign over open one on sandwich board) Close the (bleep) place.

Gordon:
Look at that. What's that squashed into? Looks like it's been squashed into an ice cream cone. [The waiter hands him the funnel] ... Ah, right, that's his on top. Was the chef a mechanic?

Dean:
I was pissed. Real pissed. I wanted to take the plate and smash it on top of the Chef's head.

Sebastian:
Okay, my pizzas will soon be in supermarkets.

Gordon:
What?!

Sebastian:
I would love to franchise this, and have a "Sebastian's" all over the world.

Gordon:
Oh my god...

Sebastian:
Just think how that sounds. "Sebastian's" all over the world. That makes me excited.

Gordon:
You haven't got (bleep) one right so far! How the (bleep) can you think about two? I need some fresh air, the guy's gone!

(Sebastian laughs. Cut to Gordon standing in the street outside the restaurant]

Gordon:
This guy is seriously off his (bleep) trolley!

Sebastian:
(to the kitchen staff) I just won that one. I won that one.

Gordon:
What on earth is going on in his (bleep)-up, delusional mind?

Sebastian:
Whoo! I won that one!

Joy:
What happened?

Sebastian:
He was giving me (bleep). I gave it back to him, and he was like, "Uh, yeah whatever," and-

Gordon:
(walks back into the restaurant) Sebastian! I just want a little word.

[Gordon goes into Sebastian's office, and Sebastian follows him]

Gordon:
Listen, big boy. Right now, you've won jack (bleep) (bleep)! You've got the audacity to stand there, talking to me about a franchise, when we can't even get a pizza right?

Sebastian:
(interview) It took everything in me not to just, freak out. (to Gordon) I've been here two years. It may not seem like-

Gordon:
What have you got to show?

Sebastian:
What have I got to show? I'll tell you what I've got to show. Pride! Pride!

Gordon:
You're delusional! You are so-

Sebastian:
That's your opinion, sir. A lot of people feel that way about you!

Gordon:
(points at the dining room) What's successful about out there?

Sebastian:
I'm still here.

Gordon:
That's what makes it successful? You've just answered my question. I'll see you later.

Gordon:
(on the over-elaborate menu) You can't push an inherently-faulty concept. That's like shining a turd...absolutely futile.

Gordon:
When I first arrived here, we got off to a shaky start. Then we kept our heads down and we got through it together.

Sebastian:
Yeah.

Gordon:
And we made some really exciting changes. The menu's changed, the staff have changed.

Sebastian:
Yes.

Gordon:
Mate, there's one thing that hasn't changed in this establishment, and that's you Sebastian. I'm 40 years old, and I have gone a lot of restaurants, but I've never ever ever ever met someone I believe in as little as you.

Melissa:
I want to see you and Ramsay chug.

Brian:
I'll smoke him, and tuck him into bed. Goodnight, chef.

[Buzzard comes to work next morning]

Lela:
(interview) I hate to have to fire anybody, but then you get to the point where if I can't get them to change what they're doing or whatever, then I have to get rid of him.

Gordon:
Can I see your eyes? Take your glasses off. (Buzzard takes off his shades) Buzzard, anything that belongs inside this restaurant belongs to Lela. Yeah? End of story. Nothing gets taken off this premiscise.

Tabitha:
(interview) If it was up to me, I'd fire Buzzard's ass.

Gordon:
I get lots of people stealing from me and I just have one discipline, anyone who steals from me is out. End of story. Because, the message you send, They all see you do it, they all do it. Anyway, Lela, you're the one who's got to make the decision, it's your restaurant.

Lela:
Yeah, so you know, I'm sorry but this is going to be it. All right? This is it.

Tabitha:
(interview) Buzzard ain't gonna be back here. He ain't gonna be buzzing around here and he's truly a buzzard.

Josette:
That's what Campania's known for, waiting three hours for your food.

[Day two, 8:
45 a.m. - kitchen inspection]

Gordon:
(Bleep).

[Finds a chocolate terrine/marquis.]

Gordon:
Oh (bleep).

[Finds a rotten banana.]

Gordon:
My goodness me. Mold everywhere.

[Sees mold.]

Gordon:
Mold everywhere.

[Finds some broccoli.]

Gordon:
The food's been in this fridge for so long, even the fridge is starting to get moldy.

[Finds some mold.]

Gordon:
Look, just here. It's like mold caped on. This place hasn't been cleaned for years. Look, it's real mold.

[Finds a bottle that has become moldy.]

Gordon:
It's been in that long, even the bottle's moldy. This place is a health hazard. Mold is festering, so, potentially dangerous in terms of poisoning someone. This place can't stay open. The place is dusgusting.

[Finds some potatoes that have been infested with maggots.]

Gordon:
Maggots. Infested with maggots. Oh God!

[Gordon began vomiting, so he got out to puke at a different place.]

Gordon:
God, this guy (Michel) is (bleep) unbelieveable. You know, that's one thing being that bad, that's solvable, but being in complete denial throughout is extraordinary. I've never met such a (bleep) hard-ass stubborn (bleep) in all my life.

Peter:
(trying to instigate a fight) Yeah, tough guy! Come on!

Peter:
(being restrained by Robert and John) You fake little gangster! Come on! You fake little gangster! I'll hurt you, scumbag! YEAH, TOUGH GUY!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

John:
Stop!

Peter:
(watching the bill collector walk toward his car) COME ON, YOU FAKE TOUGH GUY!! COME ON, YOU FAKE TOUGH GUY!! COME ON! COME ON, YOU WANT TO FIGHT ME?! COME ON, I'LL PUT YOU IN THE HOSPITAL!! YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER!! YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Gordon:
Come out of the way, come out of the way.

Peter:
FUCK THIS GUY!!! FUCK THIS GUY!! COME ON, YOU FAKE FUCKING GANGSTER!! YOU FUCKING BLOWJOB!! YOU'RE A FUCKING BLOWJOB!!!

Peter's father:
Peter, you're embarrassing me.

Peter:
Fuck this guy!!

John:
Peter, Peter, relax.

Gordon:
Relax, relax.

Peter:
Who the fuck is he to come in my fucking place?!?

Gordon:
Relax, relax, relax.

Peter:
(still raging at the now-departing bill collector) Have my fucking cock, you scumbag! Yeah, tough guy! (gets right next to his car and knocks on the window) Right now! Right now! (bill collector drives away anyway)

Melissa:
(watching Brian, in the kitchen, down a glass of beer) I want to see you and Ramsay chug.

Brian:
I'll smoke him, and tuck him into bed. Goodnight, chef. (laughs) (interview) I'm a very confident person. I've been in the kitchen a long time. I'm almost positive we'll get a good review.

Gordon:
(waiting for his spring rolls) When you get a family business right, it goes on for generations; and here, it doesn't feel like a family-run business at all. Pubs are full of atmosphere, fun. It's got tweed-neck curtains, like you're going to visit your granny. Weird.

Melissa:
(arriving with spring rolls) Here you are; spring rolls with Coleman's mustard.

Gordon:
Wow. God. Very strange, bizarre-looking spring roll. (eats it) Damn. (to Melissa) Are they popular on the menu?

Melissa:
(hesitantly) People... really like them.

Gordon:
No doubt half the customers are drunk.

Buddy:
This is a tough half-hour of my life.

Melissa:
(to Brian) Not a big hit.

Brian:
He didn't like it?

Melissa:
Nope. (interview) Brian's in the kitchen, wondering, and I'm like, "Nope."

Brian:
Are you kidding me?

Melissa:
He really expected me to be like, "He loved it!" You know, "He wants you to come work for him!"

Brian:
Come on! (drizzles balsamic on Gordon's salmon) Maybe try that one.

Melissa:
(serving the salmon to Gordon) Let me get you some clean silverware...

Gordon:
Thank you. (noticing the balsamic) God. What's this stuff, please, Melissa?

Melissa:
On top is a balsamic reduction. He (Brian) likes to use that a lot. On everything, he puts a little drizzle on.

Gordon:
A little? Thank you.

Melissa:
You're welcome. (leaves)

Gordon:
Always a sign of an insecure chef, when he macerates everything in balsamic vinegar. Look at this. (tastes it) Horrible. Doesn't taste of salmon at all.

Melissa:
(returning) All through?

Gordon:
Does my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?

Melissa:
No.

Gordon:
(sarcastically) Good. Lovely.

Buddy:
I don't even think he likes the water.

Melissa:
(to Brian) He asked me, "Will my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?" and I told him, "No, I assure you it will not."

Brian:
Do I? Do I dare? (interview) I don't want to come off as conceited or cocky, but I know I'm very good at what I do. I know the back of the house well. I've done everything that's out there.

[We see a tray of shepherd's pie filling, topped with a pool of fat.]

Brian:
Let's try that one.

Melissa:
(serves the pie) Enjoy.

Gordon:
Thank you.

Melissa:
You're welcome. (leaves)

Gordon:
(digging into the shepherd's pie with his fork) It's just a big ball of grease. (eats it and grimaces) Just very, very greasy. (coughs and gags) Oh, God! That's disgusting.

[Gordon gets up and leaves the table]

Gordon:
(to Buddy) The toilet?

Buddy:
Second door on the left.

[Gordon walks toward the bathroom. A moment later, he is heard vomiting.]

Buddy:
Oh, no...

Joe:
If people start bitchin', the meatballs are gonna come out of the kitchen.

[One customer was unhappy with the food and would not be mollified. Shockingly, a less-than-sober but satisfied customer comes to the defense of Campania.]

Drunk Customer:
If it was that bad, then why'd you keep eating? Why did you keep eating if it was that bad?

Angry Customer:
What's her problem?

Drunk:
'Cause youse a fucking liar! You just want everything for free, you greedy fucking bitch!

Angry:
Oh my God in heaven! You people are mental!

Drunk:
Go have another bottle of wine, you fucking alcoholic bitch. Have another bottle of wine, you fucking lowlife!

Angry:
Who is that person?!

Gordon:
[walking out of the building after arguing with Michel] I've got to get some air before I do something I really regret.