Kitchen Nightmares, Season 2

Gordon:
Why are we serving potato skins? Do you want to come to an "authentic Italian restaurant" with potato skins?

Joe:
A lot of people come here with their kids, and their kids don't want--

Gordon:
Hey, I've lived in Italy. I've seen Italian families, the way they eat together. They don't serve (bleep) children in Italy potato skins with plastic cheese, let me assure you.

Gordon:
The decor matches the clientele. Drab, fuddy-duddy, and seriously old-fashioned. I feel like I've come to see my granny in a retirement home.

Gordon:
You amaze me.

David:
What?

Gordon:
Because all week long, face-to-face, you (bleep) pretend to care.

David:
Oh, (bleep), Gordon. Come on.

Gordon:
You don't give two (bleep) about this place.

David:
Really?

Gordon:
You're not passionate about running a restaurant.

David:
Really?

Gordon:
You're just abusing it and using it.

David:
How did I- what, what, what did I do?

Gordon:
I've never met an individual that's so full of (bleep) in all my life.

David:
How have I been lying to you, Gordy? How? Tell me.

Gordon:
Gordy?

David:
Yeah, how? You want to disrespect me, I can disrespect you too. But tell me how I'm lying to you.

Gordon:
I'm not disrespecting you, I'm telling you the truth.

David:
No, you're disrespecting me 'cause you don't know the truth.

Gordon:
You're just massaging your (bleep) ego.

David:
Gordon, bull (bleep).

Gordon:
What do you mean, bull (bleep)?

David:
Not true.

Gordon:
From the first minute you walked in this (bleep) door, standing there with your big long coat and your (bleep) sunglasses looking like a proud (bleep), that was it. First impressions. Then you start debating lobsters 'cause you think you're some smart-arse on the back of few (bleep) (bleep) dive books.

Gordon:
[flashback] Are you aware that the lobsters in your fridge are Canadian?

David:
[flashback] Homarus americanus. Same animal, right?

Gordon:
"Humanus americanus," my arse-us.

David:
Hmm.

Gordon:
With 21 restaurants under my belt, I work my (bleep) arse off.

David:
So what? So what?

Gordon:
And I never take anything for granted.

David:
[sarcastically] Fascinating, Gordon.

Gordon:
You treat the staff like (bleep). You amaze me.

David:
Never. Never do that.

Gordon:
Excuse me?

David:
Never.

David:
[flashback] Cat, it's policy here for you not to have a drink here after your shift, but you often do.

David:
Never.

Gordon:
You can't even be honest with yourself, let alone me. Mate, you've been exposed.

David:
Exposed?

Gordon:
You're a hypocrite.

David:
Is that right?

Gordon:
Absolutely. For you, it's about a (bleep) TV show. This man [points to Greg], it's about a restaurant. (Bleep) the TV, David. And I mean (bleep) it. This is real for me. And for you, it's an image.

David:
I disagree with you on almost everything you said.

Gordon:
You do?

David:
Yeah, I do.

Gordon:
Why do you disagree?

David:
Because you're wrong. The great Gordon Ramsay is wrong.

Gordon:
You're a sad (bleep).

John ("J Willy"):
(interview) When Chef Gordon pulled those potato skins out, I knew he had found something that I wasn't going to like.

Gordon:
This is not a romantic eat-out. This is a Valentine (bleep) massacre!

Gordon:
Wow, look at the size of that. That's a lot of "krab". ... And you haven't told me about the "K" yet.

Erica the waitress:
Oh, he said he wanted everybody to know that it wasn't real crab, it's artificial crab. So he spelled it with a K so there was no misconception.

Gordon:
So it's fake crabmeat?

Erica:
Uh-huh.

Gordon:
In a seafood restaurant, on the water?

Gordon:
When you take a bite of that cod, it's almost like you've got a breaded condom in your mouth.

Gordon:
This is salmon that is marinated in... that looks like... [he smells it] an Italian dressing. Oh dear. [finds tuna that has been dyed pink] What's this? Seafood restaurant on the water. Tuna that's dyed pink to make it look authentic. Look at it, my God. Unbelieveable. And here we have... [he finds a rissoto] That looks like a mushroom rissoto, gray rissoto. Unbelieveable.

Gordon:
What is that there

AJ:
I believe it's beef bits.

Gordon:
Beef bits in blood.

Scott:
Nasty.

Gordon:
Watching this restaurant perform is embarrassing. Fake (bleep) crab meat inside of sole? It's pretty obvious, it's become the appendix of restaurants in Stamford. You just want to get rid of it and get it out.

Narrator:
With food now coming back, it's a perfect opportunity for Gordon to witness Sammy's customer service skills.

Sammy:
How did you want your meat cooked? Did you want it rare?

Lady:
I wanted it medium rare.

Sammy:
So can we make you another one? Will you wait or you don't want it all?

Lady:
I'll wait, but the thing is I don't want you to stick it back in a microwave.

Sammy:
No, we're going to throw that out and make you a new one. Nobody's talking about microwave. You're the one who's talking about microwave.

Lady:
It came out of a microwave, otherwise it wouldn't be exsuding heat.

Sammy:
Do you work for a microwave company? You know so much about microwave. Unbelieveable. Unbelieveable. Get the (bleep) out of here. Tell her to take a hike.

Customers:
That is rude. Wow. To speak to a customer like that, that's disgusting.

[Later when the lamb is recooked and brought back to the lady, the restaurant breaks out in applause]

Sammy:
No wait, we're not done yet. I wanna see you cut into it. How is it? Is it still too rare?

Lady:
You know what? I'm done. No more chances.

Sammy:
Unbelieveable. (interview) Oh my god. I just wanted to pick her up and throw her out. There's a right way and a wrong way of handling something like that and she was totally wrong.

Narrator:
While the family cools off, Chef Ramsay heads to the kitchen to come up with a game plan to fix the restaurant's biggest plan - the food.

[Gordon sees a cockroach on the surface next to where he's set up some burrito ingredients.]

Gordon:
Oh my God. What in the (bleep) is that? (tries to trap the cockroach, and finds more of them) That is a (bleep) joke.

[Gordon calls out Vic, Patti and Yolanda.]

Gordon:
I wanted us all to get involved, and doing something together, yeah? I wanted a fun element. You (Patti) make a burrito, you (Yolanda) make a burrito, you (Vic) make a burrito, and the best one goes on the menu tonight. That's what I wanted to do. I couldn't do it, because of these little (bleep) here. LOOK AT THEM!

[We see that the kitchen is infested with dozens of cockroaches. The women look disgusted]

Yolanda:
Oh my god! (interview) I feel sick to my stomach. I want to throw up, because I had coffee here earlier, and I don't know if the roach went through my cup.

Patti:
I didn't know about this problem either.

Gordon:
Two dishwashers, two prep cooks. Who's cleaning around here? Do they seriously put food on those plates?

Patti:
(interview) Vic's here seven days a week. I don't know how he didn't realize the problems in the kitchen.

Gordon:
Can't you see these? I'm trying to move forward, I'm trying to get going, but every time I put my foot on the ladder, I get knocked back. Did you know this was like this?

Vic:
I noticed, I noticed, but, uh...

Gordon:
You knew it?

Vic:
Yeah.

Gordon:
We're going to have to do something! We cannot open, we need an exterminator. How can I start even attempting to think of a new menu when the place is festering with cockroaches?!

Yolanda:
I didn't expect this. I don't think it could get worse, I don't even know what could make it worse at this point.

[An exterminator's truck is shown arriving at the restaurant]

Narrator:
After Chef Ramsay's dirty discovery, he immediately called in an exterminator.

Yolanda:
I had no idea it was that bad.

Gordon:
Bloody hell. I'm pulling my hair out now. I'm sorry, but you're running the place.

Vic:
Sorry.

Yolanda:
Vic, this is stupid.

Gordon:
Where do I go, Vic?

Vic:
Sorry.

[Gordon goes outside.]

Vic:
(interview) I'm embarassed with Chef Ramsay. I don't think that I uh... we can make it a good restaurant.

Gordon:
You can't run a (bleep) restaurant like that!

Vic:
You think I'm mad? I'm (bleep) embarrassed now.

Gordon:
You should be (bleep) embarrassed. I'm not putting one foot in that place 'til that place is (bleep) cleaned. Yes?

Vic:
You're right.

Gordon:
Now you start getting those guys cleaning, yes?

Vic:
Definitely.

Gordon:
WITH SOME (bleep) PRIDE! Do you understand the word pride?!

Vic:
Yes.

Gordon:
It's not possible for someone to have his head so far up his (bleep). (bleep) me.

Gordon:
I've got four chefs who can't cook (bleep) rice, and soot all over the food. What is going on?! (bleep) me. You're supposed to put salt on the food, not (bleep) soot!

Dean:
[to audience] We have everything that's "un".

Gordon:
This is incredible. So far I've had un-duck, un-fish... un-(bleep)-believable. What a mess.

Gordon:
I thought people got pushed into a mortuary on trolleys, no? Not serving food.

Male Customer:
I think they gotta catch the shrimp first.

Gordon:
Eduardo, no wonder you've grown so old. You've aged waiting for the last main course. [Eduardo and the other servers laugh]

Gordon:
What are these up here for? They're not even in season, asparagus, are they?

Pinto:
No. Not right now, they're very expensive.

Gordon:
They're very expensive, so why have you got them on?

Pinto:
They're veggie of the day.

Gordon:
Veggie of the day? Aren't you bothered about the cost?

Pinto:
It comes from a different part of the world, Chef. We can get it.

Gordon:
'It comes from a different part of the world'? [to the sous-chef] Are you listening to this?! [to Pinto] It's the most expensive vegetable on the market. You want that?! And it's out of season! And you just put them on four dishes!

Gordon:
How have you been?

Buddy:
I had a little glitch there, for a little bit.

Gordon:
What happened?

Buddy:
I had a heart attack.

Gordon:
What?

Buddy:
Yeah.

Brian:
(interview) My dad's heart attack was a very traumatizing experience in a lot of different ways.

Jason:
(interview) And it was bad. the doctor told me he could have died.

Melissa:
(interview) That was a very scary time, realizing how close we were to losing him. It was beyond scary.

Buddy:
I was down for a few weeks, actually. And I was shocked - the three of them stepped up, took the bull by the horns; and when I came back, everything was perfect.

Gordon:
When was the last time this fridge was cleaned?

Melissa:
A week ago.

Gordon:
Oh, come on, this hasn't been cleaned in years.

Billy:
No, it has.

Gordon:
No, it hasn't, I'm sorry. Twenty-one years in the business, I'll bet every (bleep) dollar that I have, this (bleep) place hasn't been cleaned in years.

Gordon:
Un-(bleep)-believeable. So that just proves and confirms how weak this guy is. He's not running this place, this place is running him, and is in need of a (bleep) serious clean. That is appalling.

Pat:
The Trobiano's salad is excellent. It's chopped.

Gordon:
Why would you chop it?

Pat:
People seem to love it.

Gordon:
Is that because of their teeth?

Gordon:
A restaurant run by three passionate owners? No chance. Brian, he works two days a week. David, well I don't trust him one little inch. And as for Greg, well he's pissed off at both of them. Basically in a nutshell, Sleepy, Dopey and Grumpy. Who am I? Snow (bleep) White?

Gordon:
You tell me about the passion with the Maine lobsters. Are you aware that the lobsters in your fridge are Canadian?

David:
Same waters, North Atlantic waters.

Gordon:
You're telling me now...a Canadian lobster, half the price of a Maine lobster, is the same taste and flavor? There's a big difference. I can't get Maine lobsters.

David:
That's right, so they get them from Canada.

Gordon:
I'm using Canadian lobsters.

David:
That's right. That's what they do.

Gordon:
But I don't advertise them as "Maine".

David:
You tell me, is it a different animal?

Gordon:
"Maine" is a "Canadian" lobster for you?

David:
Homarus Americanus. Same animal, right?

Gordon:
Holy (bleep)...

David:
I'm asking you a question.

Gordon:
What you're trying to dictate to me is that you're selling "Maine" lobster- they're not from Maine.

David:
Well, it comes from the same vendor.

Gordon:
[at a loss] Holy (bleep)! The award-winning Maine lobster roll...is Canadian!

Gordon:
[to David] You're so full of (bleep) that you'd make a great politician.

Gordon:
We sat here wondering why this business is on its arse. It starts with the top job, it's called responsibility. (to John) No wonder you've given up.

John ("J Willy"):
(interview) I've been in denial, I've lowered my standards, and it takes somebody like a Gordon Ramsay to come in and wake you up.

Rick:
(interview) I wanted to crawl under the table and hide my face so that people wouldn't associate me with such "crap".

Gordon:
What a beautiful, quaint little town. I can't think of a better way to spend Valentine's Day than at Hannah &... (sees that the sign is missing the N from "Mason's") Maso's? I guess they couldn't afford the "N." That's not a good start.

[Gordon goes down to the walk in fridge]

Gordon:
I cannot believe that this is how you guys are running a restaurant!

Chris:
(interview) Through my head, I was thinking "We're going to be screwed!"

Gordon:
That's what in there?

Chris:
That's the walk in freezer.

Gordon:
That's the walk in freezer? Look at the mess in here! What's this here?

Brian:
Bacon.

Gordon:
Bacon. Yeah obviously bacon smart arse! That's from lunch? Yeah, five years ago! You leave a spatula in there like that? I'm sorry. No. I cannot believe what you guys are doing here.

Chris:
There was so much going on. My head was spinning. My head was about to explode. I thought to myself, this is a disaster.

Gordon:
What's that in there?

Brian:
(Bleep) that didn't get put away?

Gordon:
(finds cooked chicken sitting next to raw chicken.) Oh my god.

Chris:
I don't know what the (bleep)...

Gordon:
Oh (bleep) off! Oh my god! Oh no!

Chris:
This is not good.

Gordon:
RAW CHICKEN!

Brian:
That should never happen.

Gordon:
Oh my god! CHRIS, THERE'S (bleep) CHICKEN AGAINST RAW CHICKEN!!

Chris:
It's (bleep)...

Gordon:
HEY PANINI HEAD, LISTEN TO ME,

Chris:
Yes?

Gordon:
YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE! I'VE EATEN HERE!! Partners? Partners in crime! You should be ashamed.

Brian:
We are ashamed.

Gordon:
You've just contanmanated the town!

[Dover sole stuffed with imitation crab meat is being sent back to the kitchen]

Sammy:
What's the matter with this?

Waiter:
She said it's not fresh, she said it's no good.

Gordon:
It's (bleep) watery.

Sammy:
Let me have a taste. How bad is it? (tastes it) It's not bad though! It's not bad! It's not bad! (Gordon tastes it and spits it out.) Ohhhh no! Come on! He spits it out. It's not bad.

Gordon:
You're (bleep) delusional. It's mushy. It's watery. It's fake.

Sammy:
It's not the right crab meat. You're right.

Gordon:
And it's (bleep) disgusting. You're jumping up and down like a big (bleep) baboon and "Ho, ho! It's good!" Whoo!

Gordon:
When were these done?

Vic:
Yesterday?

Gordon:
Yesterday? (bleep) off Vic, please. They weren't done yesterday. Okay. You can ask him in his own language; ask him very, very quickly "When were these cooked?"

Vic:
(to a cook) ¿Cuándo cocinaron de eso? When did you (ustedes) cook that?

When did you (ustedes) cook that?

Cook:
En viernes. On Friday.

On Friday.

Vic:
(to a cook) So this was from last week.

Gordon:
Of course they're from last week.

[Gordon finds some fresh chives in the fridge.]

Gordon:
What are these? (to Vic) Vic.

Vic:
Yes, chef.

Gordon:
These are fresh chives. Sell-by date, five months old.

Vic:
Where'd you find that?

Gordon:
I found it in the (bleep) fridge. Smell it.

[Vic smells the chives.]

Gordon:
Vic, look, let me just show you something.

[Gordon shows Vic some fish.]

Gordon:
What is that? Stop getting nervous now, talk to me. What is this?

Vic:
That's the fish we're using.

Gordon:
That's the fish you're using? Oh, (bleep) me.

Gordon:
How old is this stuff?

Vic:
Yesterday.

Gordon:
Yesterday?!

Patti:
He said Friday.

Gordon:
[finds slimy chicken] Look at that! Oh, my god. (cough) When's all this from?

Patti:
Friday. He took it out Friday.

Gordon:
Oh, everything's Friday? Let me just show you something, look how green and slimy that is. That's from Friday? Look at that, that's from Friday? Look at my fingers, Friday? Look, look (pours the juice from the tray) there you go. That's from Friday? How do you say in Spanish "This is not healthy"?

Patti:
No es saludable. It is not healthy.

It is not healthy.

Gordon:
Thank you. What is going on in here? A hungry cat would walk away from that.

Patti:
(interview) I was mortified. I felt embarassed for letting this go on for so long.

Narrator:
While customers in the dining room continue to eat sub-par food, Chef Ramsay's kitchen investigation intensifies.

Gordon:
What is going on here?

[Gordon finds a tray of burritos.]

Gordon:
What's that?!!

Vic:
The burritos.

[Gordon finds a tray of chicken enchiladas.]

Gordon:
What is that one?

Vic:
The chicken enchiladas.

Gordon:
Oh hell. Oh my God.

[Gordon finds a tray of ground beef with dried up fat covering it.]

Gordon:
What's that?!!

Vic:
Ground beef.

Gordon:
Ground beef?!! Half of it's (bleep) fat you idiot! It's fatter than you!

Patti:
(interview) I felt satisfied that finally somebody called him out on his (bleep).

[Gordon finds a huge bucket full of stale re-fried beans.]

Gordon:
Oh (bleep)! What's that?

Vic:
The beans.

Gordon:
Oh hell. It's like a cement mixer. Are you (bleep) stupid? Who's controlling this?

Vic:
I am, chef.

Gordon:
You are? You... are a walking disaster.

Vic:
(interview) Now I'm feeling like, like stupid.

Gordon:
Lift it up!

[Gordon and Vic carry the contents of the fridge into the kitchen]

Gordon:
The fridge is full of (bleep)! It's, it's DISGUSTING! I wasn't here on Saturday, but what were they expecting? (Bleep) ten thousand customers for lunch? Patti, I'm (bleep) disgusted. Yolanda, that's a joke.

Yolanda:
I understand. (interview) I don't want people to get sick and I don't want them to spread the word that the food is bad here.

Gordon:
(to Vic) You're overstaffed. Under-worked. (bleep) food! I wouldn't trust you running a bath, let alone a (bleep) restaurant! You must be out of your tiny mind!

Vic:
I care for the restaurant.

[Gordon grabs the bucket and shoves it toward Vic]

Gordon:
I wanna take that out there. I dare you, take it out there. Go on, give it to them! Yeah, there you go.

Vic:
Excuse me?

Gordon:
Look at me! Why won't you take it out there?

Vic:
That's embarrassing.

Gordon:
Yeah, it is embarrassing. WHY ARE YOU SERVING IT?! YOU DON'T (bleep) CARE!

Vic:
Why?

Gordon:
Why?! Because you're serving that and trying to charge people money for that. That's why you don't care.

Vic:
I care for-

Gordon:
YOU DON'T CARE (bleep)! No (bleep) way!

[Gordon picks up the bucket of beans, carries it through to the dining room, and places it on a table in front of the shocked diners]

Gordon:
(Bleep)! Ladies and gentlemen! I'm so sorry but we're stopping service. Everything you've had to drink, eat so far is all on the house. Sir, that thing you have in your hand, put it down! Because if you just seen where it came from like I have, you wouldn't be eating it. Very sorry. Close up. (to Vic) No bill anywhere!

Vic:
(interview) I was like "What the hell are you doing?" You can't do that to my customers.

Gordon:
By the way, there's your re-fried beans on the way out. Have a look at them.

Gordon:
What is that?

Dean:
Un-duck. It's... duck. But it's un-duck. Fake duck.

Gordon:
Fake duck? So you call it... what?

Dean:
We call it un-duck.

Gordon:
Un-duck? Right now I feel like I'm getting completely (bleep). Is that popular?

Dean:
Yeah, it is, actually. A lot of people ask for that, too.

Gordon:
Un-duck... (bleep)... [as he reaches in and pulls out more "meat"]

Dean:
That's fake fish.

Gordon:
Fake fish? [sniffs, laughs and slides a hand under his collar]

Dean:
It looks like fish, it tastes like fish, and it's got seaweed on the outside.

Female Customer:
I feel like I'm drinking more than I'm eating.

[after Gordon shuts the kitchen down]

Gordon:
What I've just discovered is totally unacceptable. Enough is enough. Chris?

Chris:
Yes, sir?

Gordon:
You are passionate about food. You feel deeply about it. I want to hear it.

Chris:
I'm ready. I'm ready to tear it down and start over.

Gordon:
You've got a big pair of bollocks facing those customers tonight. What can be said about the "partner" you are in business with? (to Brian) Where were you? How many tables did you talk to? How many customers did you apologise to?

Brian:
None.

Gordon:
How much support did you give the waiters, the manager?

Brian:
None.

Gordon:
Right. You were doing jack-shit tonight. You make me sick.

Narrator:
Inspired by the fresh locally-grown apples, Chef Ramsay heads back to the restaurant to work on a special he has in mind for tonight's dinner service.

Gordon:
Right. What are they called.

Brian:
(unenthusiastically) Apples?

Gordon:
Apples, fucking smartass.

Gordon:
Service, please! Pass it over.

[The cooks hand Gordon two plates of food, both of which are covered in large black chunks]

Gordon:
What's those black bits, coming from the...?

Cook:
From the top.

Gordon:
The top of the broiler? Jesus Christ almighty. When was the last time the broiler was cleaned?

[A server is shown talking to some diners in the dining room]

Server:
The chefs, now, they are crazy, you know.

Customer 1:
But this place is half-full. What are you going to do when it's crowded, and there's people waiting outside?

[Back in the kitchen, Gordon checks the broiler]

Gordon:
This is unbelievable! What the fuck's happening?! When was the broiler cleaned last, gentlemen? If he fucking tells me Friday one more time, I'll boil him!

Yolanda:
Every Sunday, they say.

Gordon:
Every Sunday? My fucking arse!

[Cut back to the table seen earlier, where only two out of the six guests have any food]

Customer 2:
This is out of control. I mean, you've got your food, you've got your food.

Customer 1:
Yep.

[In the kitchen, Gordon wipes the soot off his hands]

Gordon:
I've got four chefs who can't cook fucking rice, and soot all over the food. What is going on?! Fuck me. You're supposed to put salt on the food, not fucking soot!

[The table seen earlier starts walking out]

Gordon:
(to Vic) You can't employ these guys! One can't clean, one can't cook rice.

Yolanda:
(interview) I never imagined how bad this restaurant was doing. I don't know what else could happen.

Gordon:
(leaves the kitchen) I cannot come to terms with what the fuck is happening!