M*A*S*H, Season 1

Trapper John McIntyre:
Fore!

Radar' O'Reilly:
Here they come!

Spearchucker' Jones:
I don't hear nothin'.

Radar' O'Reilly:
Wait for it.

Hawkeye Pierce :
[writing to his father] You said I sounded a bit callous in my last letter Dad. Let me see if I can put things in a better way. At this particular Mobile Army Hospital, we are not concerned with the ultimate reconstruction of the patient. We care only about getting the kid out of here alive enough for someone else to put on the fine touches. We work fast and we're not dainty. We try to play par surgery on this course. Par is a live patient.

Margaret Houlihan:
[angrily] You're dismissed.

Hawkeye Pierce:
Thanks, Mother. We've gotta get up early, anyway, and fix MacArthur's hernia.

Hawkeye Pierce:
Sorry, baby.

Margaret Houlihan:
That's Major to you!

Hawkeye Pierce:
Sorry, Major baby.

Hawkeye Pierce:
That's a woman all over.

Trapper John McIntyre:
Best place for them to be.

Hawkeye Pierce:
Hey, Ho-Jon, come here. I got a letter from Dean Lodge.

Trapper John McIntyre:
Is that a good place to stay?

Hawkeye Pierce:
Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!

Hawkeye Pierce:
Ya know we gotta do it someday. Throw away all the guns and invite all the jokers from the north and the south in here to a cocktail party... Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war!

Hawkeye Pierce:
What does everybody want here? What do these people want more than anything else?

Trapper John McIntyre:
To go home or to Tokyo, whichever comes first.

Hawkeye Pierce:
What do they really want?

Trapper John McIntyre:
Sex!

Hawkeye Pierce:
Ah!

Trapper John McIntyre:
Except for those baseball perverts.

Trapper John McIntyre:
You want to raffle off a nurse?

Hawkeye Pierce:
Is that what I said?

Frank Burns:
[spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing up there?

Hawkeye Pierce:
I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.

Frank Burns:
Since when are you two interested in the Bible?

Trapper John McIntyre:
I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.

Henry Blake:
Don't do that!

Radar O' Reilly:
Yes sir, you wanted to see me sir?

Henry Blake:
Yes, but let me say I want to see you before I see you.

Radar O' Reilly:
Yes sir, you wanted to see these? [pushing sheaf of papers to Henry]

Henry Blake:
How do you know that?

Radar O' Reilly:
That's why you called me.

Henry Blake:
Oh yeah.

Radar O' Reilly:
[reaching for different papers] You wanted me to take these sir?

Henry Blake:
[absently] Yeah.

Hawkeye Pierce:
[describing Lt. Dish] A girl with a face that doesn't quit. A girl with so much body she should be continued on the next girl.

Lt. Dish:
Hawkeye, I'm trying to be faithful. How many times must I tell you I'm engaged?

Hawkeye Pierce:
I'm engaged too, think of me as a dress rehearsal.

Lt. Dish:
A girl can only take so much.

Hawkeye Pierce:
Are we anywhere near that part yet?

Margaret Houlihan:
Sickening!

Frank Burns:
Animals!

Frank Burns:
Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!

Hawkeye Pierce:
Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm just gonna have to challenge you to a duel.

Trapper John Mcintyre:
Swords or pistols?

Hawkeye Pierce:
I was thinking specimen bottles at twenty paces.

Hawkeye Pierce:
What's this?

Radar O' Reilly:
Weekend passes for the raffle.

Hawkeye Pierce:
When did he sign these?

Radar O' Reilly:
When he thought he was ordering a ton of ice cream. Fudge ripple

Lt. Dish:
You still haven't told me how I get out of going away with the winner. Why do I have the funny feeling it's going to be you.

Hawkeye Pierce:
You don't trust me?

Lt. Dish:
Not since the last time I found you hiding in my sleeping bag.

Henry:
I betcha don't know what kind of wood this is.

Radar:
It's oak.

Henry:
Nope - it's oak.

Trapper:
Hurry up, the truck will be here soon.

[Radar looks up as if he hears something and moves faster]

Hawkeye:
I think we just passed soon!

Henry:
Whatever it is, even if the answer is "yes," it's "no."

Radar O'Reilly:
General Barker's fighter just pulled in, looks real big.

"Trapper" John Mcintyre:
(Sounding scared) How big?

Radar:
If he wanted to, he could be a platoon. Looks kinda mean.

"Trapper" John Mcintyre:
Mean?

Radar O'Reilly:
[makes a face to show what he looks like]

Frank:
That's ether.

Hawkeye:
A little louder Frank, the cook didn't hear you.

General Barker:
What are you doing, Corporal?

Radar:
Doing, sir?

Barker:
D-O-I-N-G! What are you doing?

Radar:
I'm listening to you spell "doing", sir.

[in shorts, T-shirt, and robe]

Hawkeye:
Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?

General Barker:
Nurse, is everyone in this outfit crazy?

Nurse:
Everybody who's sane is, sir.

Hawkeye:
I'm gonna do something about this--I'm going to Henry.

Spearchucker:
Henry? Our Henry?

Trapper:
I thought you said you were going to do something about this.

Trapper:
[about the Swamp] Somebody sneaked in here and committed a neatness!

Hawkeye:
Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago, we operated on him. He's got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises. No guaranteed survival. No "saints in surgical garb." Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending to a movie. But then again, no war is a movie.

[An army film unit is making a documentary at the camp.]

Frank:
[Reading from the film script] "...from the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."

Trapper:
[laughing] A Yankee Doodle --

Hawkeye:
[singing] Stuck a feather in his nurse...

Hawkeye and Trapper:
...and called her macaroni!

[In the film, Hawkeye plays the "Yankee Doodle Doctor" as a Groucho Marx-esque type character, and Trapper as a Harpo Marx-esque character. The first scene shows Radar as a patient being unloaded from an ambulance.]

Nurse:
Doctor, can you give him a hand?

Yankee Doodle Doctor:
I'd rather give you one!

Radar:
Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor?

Yankee Doodle Doctor:
I certainly am!

Trapper:
*HONK!*HONK!*

[Scene cuts to the Mess tent everyone watching the film with Hawkeye and Trapper laughing at people]

Radar:
Gosh, am I glad they brought me here!

Yankee Doodle Doctor:
Wait a minute, have you got a reservation?

Radar:
A reservation?!

Yankee Doodle Doctor:
I'm afraid we're all booked up through New Years!

Trapper:
*HONK!*

Radar:
But, Doctor!

Yankee Doodle Doctor:
I'm sorry, kid. You should've booked ahead. Come to think of it, you should've booked the rest of the body as well!

Hawkeye:
Hold it (puts his ear to Radar's stomach) I think I just found my wristwatch. Either that or he's giving birth to an alarm clock.

Hawkeye:
I had a dream last night that I was asleep and I dreamed it while I was awake!

Henry:
This is the army! No one can do the best they can!

Trapper:
Does Henry have an enemy?

Hawkeye:
Doesn't sound like the work of a friend. I think we better keep an eye on him.

Trapper:
Now?

Hawkeye:
He may not have a later.

Trapper:
Come on, Frank! Outta the way!

Frank:
You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre. This jeep is the official property of the US Army in general and Col. Blake in particular and as such is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else.

Trapper:
Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit and run case. Move!

Frank:
Over my dead body.

Trapper:
Great idea!

Radar:
They aren't gonna like this.

Frank:
I didn't come here to be liked.

Radar:
You certainly came to the right place.

Hawkeye:
Do you mind if we swim through?

Frank:
I assure you, all goldbricking that went on here under Colonel Blake is going to stop. Under my command, life is going to be a different kettle of fish.

Radar:
Are you sure you're in the right branch of the service Sir?

Henry:
I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave.

Hawkeye:
I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.

Hawkeye:
You know, I never hit a woman.

Burns:
You lay one finger on Margaret...

Hawkeye:
I was talking about you, Frank.

Frank:
I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me!

Hawkeye:
Ghouls? That's not a nice thing to call us vampires.

PA Announcement:
Attention, the following personnel have volunteered to go on a ten-mile fitness hike. [Silence]

PA Announcement:
Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.

Hawkeye:
Edwina, may I kiss you?

Edwina:
Is your mouth insured?

Hawkeye:
Did you want to say something, Henry, or were you just hoping for a free tonsillectomy?

Radar:
[referring to a book Hawkeye is holding] War AND Peace?

Trapper:
Well, Tolstoy was very flexible. He went either way.

Anderson:
I'll tell you how I feel about ol' Johann Sebastian.

Radar:
Now that's highly significant.

Anderson:
I haven't said anything yet.

Radar:
That's OK. I have confidence in you, Lieutenant.

Radar:
[referring to Henry, after Frank and Margaret have asked to see him] I'm afraid he's doing some very important sleeping for the army right now.

Trapper:
[while Hawkeye is working on Tuttle's profile] You should write fiction.

Hawkeye:
You should read my file.

Margaret:
You're drunk!

Henry:
[slurring] That's a dirty lie. And I intend to press charges. The minute I'm sober.

Henry:
[drunk, holding a gun] Don't move, Korea, this is a stick-up.

Henry:
Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. Rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one.

Hawkeye:
Wendell, another word for "gooks" is "people."

Hawkeye:
[thinking as he writes] I've never put much stock in ESP, but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind, Radar has that ability. The little fink.

Radar:
[walking past] Is that a nice thing to say?

Trapper:
What a mess. Stomach, kidney, liver...

Hawkeye:
What is that, an organ recital?

Hawkeye:
[to Henry] We're here to report a pair of missing Longjohns.

Trapper:
[also to Henry] Which we own and you are wearing.

Henry:
Can you identify them?

Trapper:
I've got a better idea. How about you identify them? [Trapper covers Henry's eyes] Without looking.

Henry:
Well they're long...

Hawkeye:
And they're johns... that's them all right.

Frank:
[to Klinger] The next time I see you, I wanna see a shine on those high heels!

Trapper:
[Upon seeing Frank in the longjohns.] Look at what the giant rodent has on his body.

Hawkeye:
Supparating pustules, if there's any justice. [to Frank] Where'd you get those longjohns!

Frank:
Wouldn't you like to know!

Hawkeye:
[picks up empty gas can and prepares to swing at Frank.] Those are mine you hermaphroditic weasel!

Frank:
Possession is 9/10 of the law, Pierce. And I'm sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow, so don't try anything!

Hawkeye:
If I didn't think it would keep you warm, Frank, I'd come over there and beat you to a pulp. Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth!

Colonel Hersh:
You got any stethoscopes there?

Hawkeye:
WE'RE A MEDICAL UNIT!!!

Radar:
[seeing Klinger in a suit] Don't I know your sister?

Col. Blake:
[coming outside looking for Radar, yelling] Radar?

Hawkeye:
SHH!

Col. Blake:
Who are you shushing?!? What are you doing out here in your stockinged feet?!? You been at the still again, right?!?

Hawkeye:
[whispering] I'm working on a bomb!

Col. Blake:
What kind of a bomb?!?!

Hawkeye:
[still whispering] An unexploded bomb!

Col. Blake:
Oh! [whispering] THAT kind of bomb.

Hawkeye (after Henry's first loud megaphone message):
One more yell like that and you and I will have interchangeable parts!

Trapper John:
Psst! Psst!

Hawkeye:
You spring a leak?

Trapper:
The CIA has their own bomb?

Hawkeye:
(with a stethoscope to the bomb) The ticker's very faint. Not the bomb's, mine. The bomb is ticking away loud and clear.

[during a poker game in the Swamp]

Hawkeye:
Can't you guys do that somewhere else?

Trapper:
Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?

Hawkeye:
I'm not doing anything!

Trapper:
Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?

Trapper:
[during a poker game] My last hand was more like a foot.

Frank:
I'll write you every day--faithfully.

Margaret:
You promise?

Frank:
Just like I do my wife.

Henry:
You know, Frank, as rough as it's been, I think I'll miss you.

Frank:
Well it might not have come to this if you had had the backbone to maintain some discipline.

Henry:
Well--so much for missing you.

Hawkeye:
(to Radar) One more word and I'll nail your tongue to your nose.

General Clayton:
Henry, are you sitting down?

Henry:
[stands up] No, sir.

Clayton:
Maybe you better.

Henry:
[sits down] Yes, sir.

Hawkeye:
Is he giving you calisthenics over the phone?

Trapper:
Call us if you need us.

Hawkeye:
Yeah, but don't need us.

Frank:
Are you going over my head?

Hawkeye:
No, just through the hole in it.

Henry:
It's bad enough that she's having a baby and I can't be there with her!

Radar:
Well at least you were there for the important part.