M*A*S*H, Season 8

Williamson:
Do you always treat enemy soldiers?

Hawkeye:
Of course not, only if they're sick.

Hawkeye:
(to Willamson, furious at his blather about the Red Menace) Don't tell us about the Red Menace! We're up to our ankles in it! It comes out of those kids you keep sending us!

(Klinger has just photographed Williamson in a compromising position with Margaret in her tent. BJ, Hawkeye, and Charles burst in.)

Williamson:
Will someone please tell me what's going on here?

BJ:
We thought your wife might like some pictures of your little fact-finding tour.

Hawkeye:
Suitable for hanging.

Klinger (passing out copies of Stars & Stripes to the officers):
Here; read this.

Hawkeye (reading):
"Scandal Rocks Capitol Hill. Congressman Daniel Lurie-!"

Everyone else:
*gasps of surprise*

Hawkeye (reading on):
"-Caught in Washington Love Nest with Aide's Wife! 'My-my husband drove me to it,' sobbed a tearful-"

Everyone (reading together):
"-L. Shirley Williamson!"

Hawkeye (reading on):
"'I needed more than a man who's married to his work first and me second!'"

Margaret:
Now wait, wait. That seems fair. He had the Congressman's ear, and she got everything else!

(Klinger has just brought Charles a bottle of Napoleon brandy)

Charles:
Ah...Napoleon. If you'd given more of this to Josephine...she might have stayed home nights.

B.J.:
Oh none for me. It offends my palate, not to mention my co-palate.

(Col. Potter walks into the Swamp)

Potter:
Either of you seen Radar?

Hawkeye:
Last I saw him he was in the Officer's Club having a touch of the grape.

BJ:
Why? What's wrong?

Potter:
Plenty. I just got a wire from the boy's mother in Iowa. Radar's Uncle Ed passed away.

Hawkeye:
Oy.

Potter:
Yeah, oy.

Radar:
And to top it all off, my Nehi is warm.

Potter:
Listen, Radar, I guess you realize I'm kinda fond of you. Lord knows I've never met a soul I could depend on more, but above all that, you've been a damn good friend. Well, friend, it's time we said goodbye. Time you got on with your life. You've come as far as you can go here. You've earned your wings... now you've gotta fly.

Radar:
That's a bear we all have to cross.

Radar (his last line in M*A*S*H):
I'm ready, let's go.

BJ:
Well, if it isn't Benjamin Franklin Pierce Hawkeye, named for a president, an Indian, and a stove.

Potter:
(to Klinger) So far you have performed your duties with the efficiency of a one-legged man at a BUTT-kicking contest!

Potter:
Folks around here were pretty fond of Henry Blake when he ran this fort, weren't they?

Klinger:
Well, sure, the Colonel was a top notch kind of a guy.

Potter:
You bet he was. And, I don't mind telling you my first few days in his shadow were a mite uneasy. No one was jumping for joy over me. I was no Henry Blake, never tried to be. That didn't make me any better or worse, just different. The point is, the folks here gave me the time to take this job and make it Sherman Potter's. I guess I forgot that when you took over for Radar. What I'm trying to say is, you need the time to take this job and make it Max Klinger's. So, just do it. And, if you need some help, if you've got a question, just knock on my door. Is that clear, Max?

Klinger:
Crystal, sir.

Mulcahy:
I had to give a girl the brush-off!

Hawkeye:
(stunned): Would you mind repeating that? I think the sun was in my ears.

Hawkeye:
Come again?

Mulcahy:
She was hugging the stuffing out of me!

Hawkeye:
Well I don't blame her, Father, I think you're as cute as the dickens.

Margaret (walks into Potter's office along with Mulcahy and Hawkeye):
You wanted to see us sir?

Potter:
Not really but it's the only way I can talk to you.

Hawkeye:
What's this about Colonel?

Potter:
Glad you asked. I'm a very busy man so I'll make this short and sweet. Lieutenant Harris dropped by this morning, had a little surprise for me. A request for an immediate transfer.

Mulcahy (Knowing he is the cause):
Oh dear.

Potter:
Naturally I thought she wanted out because she couldn't take a bath but that wasn't the reason. So I said "What is the reason?" And she said "I made a big fool of myself and the whole camp knows it." So I said "Well I don't know it." And she said "I'm surprised Pierce didn't tell you."

Hawkeye (Confused):
What?

Potter:
So I said "Why are you dropping this in my lap when you should be talking to your head nurse?" And she said "The head nurse hates me."

Margaret:
I do not hate her.

Potter:
So I said "Back up a bit. What is it you did that got everybody's tongue wagging except mine?" And she said "I had an unhappy love affair." So I asked "Was it one of my doctors?" And she said "No. It was your priest."

Mulcahy (After hearing the story):
Colonel, you must understand she's very upset.

Potter:
That's what she said. She was so upset she's giving up on Med School. I didn't even know she was going to Med School.

Mulcahy:
She mustn't give up.

Potter:
Now look folks this is none of my affair so why don't we keep it that way. The woman's got only a few weeks left in this man's army. A transfer would be a waste of good red tape so here's what your gonna do. (Points to Hawkeye) You stop talking about her. (Points to Margaret) You stop hating her. (Points to Mulcahy) And you stop dating her.

Mulcahy:
You know, you'd make a fine priest.

Hawkeye:
Ah, thanks Father, I don't think it would work out. Besides, the only Latin I know is Xavier Cugat.

Potter (to Hawkeye):
This is the happy hour. Angry hour starts at ten!

Klinger (to Korean mother who accuses him of conduct unbecoming):
Madam, it is against the rules to fold, spindle, or perforate military personnel. Could we go back to the broom or how about a vacuum cleaner? Uhh Colonel would you mind dropping everything and coming out here fast?!

Potter:
What the heck is going-- put that thing down lady this is no hayride. Now what in the name of Beezlebub is goin on here? (everyone starts talking at once to explain and Colonel Potter holds up his arms for silence) Hold it down! (after everyone is quiet) Now that's more like it. Klinger, this woman seems a little cranky.

Klinger:
Actually sir it's very amusing.

Potter:
Then how come Madame Pitchfork isn't laughing?

Klinger (referring to Korean woman holding pitchfork):
This is Miss Oksun Li. She thinks I was playing inappropriate games with her daughter here.

Charles:
On only one other occasion in my life did I even approach that level of inebriation.

Donna:
When was that?

Charles:
It was the night after I graduated from Harvard Medical School, I distinctly remember trying to swim the Charles River in cap and gown, reasoning that since it was named after me, it was my river.

Donna:
Well of course. Did you get married then, too?

Charles:
Nope. Got pneumonia!

BJ:
Do you, Chuck Emerson Winchester III, take this lovely if gullible young woman as your un-lawful, un-wedded un-wife?

Charles:
I undo.

BJ:
And do you, Donna Marie Parker Winchester the Third, take this pickled amnesiac as your un-lawful, un-wedded, un-hubby?

Donna Marie:
I undo, too.

BJ:
Now with the power invested in me by the state of intoxication, I pronounce you man and woman. You may now ignore the bride.

Rizzo:
Hey, Father, can I make a confession?

Mulcahy:
Certainly, Sergeant.

Rizzo:
I murdered somebody...tomorrow.

Klinger:
C'mon, I'm trying to help!

Rizzo:
You wanna help? Die on your own.

(Hawkeye, BJ and "Ralph" are walking back to the 4077th because BJ crashed their jeep. They encounter a Korean man trapped underneath a hay wagon.)

Hawkeye:
Allow me to introduce ourselves. That's Ralph, I'm Pierce, and this is Hunnicutt; you probably know each other from driving school.

Hawkeye:
We're 3 1/2 minutes over! Damn it!!

BJ:
Maybe the hypothermia bought us some time.

Hawkeye:
Yeah, on the other hand, maybe it didn't.

BJ:
Hawk, we saved his life.

Hawkeye:
Yeah, well I guess that's something.

BJ:
It's more than something, it's everything.

(The patient is wiggling his toes, proving he's not paralyzed. Hawkeye, BJ, and Margaret jump for joy. A blood-drained Charles rests nearby)

Margaret:
WE DID IT! WE DID IT! Do you know what we DID?!

BJ:
We made a man who's part George and part Harold!

Charles:
And part Winchester.

Hawkeye:
That's right! When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave, generous, or pompous!

Klinger:
Holy Toledo! (to Charles) Major, either that bird hit a landmine, or you just shot down a kamikaze pigeon!

[Hawkeye and BJ ask Klinger who he thinks is the funniest guy in the camp.]

Klinger:
It's no contest: neither one of you. You guys don't even make the first cut. I'm trying to tell my uncle what kind of a place I work in: doctors, nurses saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties, and a snooty Major who pays me twenty bucks to follow him out in the woods and watch him blow up a pigeon with a landmine. And if that doesn't do it for ya, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you two guys do is walk around all day telling jokes. What the hell's so funny about that? [returns to writing his letter.] Ya see, Unc? It's no wonder I never got a Section Eight; there's nothing special about me. Everybody here is crazy.

Potter (about a General):
The man graduated 312th out of 320 and he says he's gonna do his best.

Mulcahy (after finally receiving his captain's bars):
This experience has taught me a valuable lesson. The meek may inherit the earth, but it's the grumpy who gets promoted!

Margaret:
I'm just as much a major as any other major. You'll notice these leaves come in gold, not pink for girls and blue for boys.

Hawkeye (to Margaret):
Maybe you and I are just too choosy. We're both looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world.

Charles:
I've talked to everyone in the camp - which, by the way, is a first for me - and no one saw or heard a thing. A fact confirmed by our ever-vigilant sentries and their seeing-eye dogs.

(after it is suggested that he fathered a baby in Korea)

B.J.:
You're lucky we're doctors 'cause I'm gonna break every bone in your body.

Charles:
Well, how would you feel if your sister were marrying a swarthy dark-haired olive picker?

Klinger:
She did. And for your information, Major, so did my mother and my grandmother, not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is. (Klinger storms out of the office)

Charles:
Did I say something to offend him?

Charles (Enters Colonel Potter's tent):
Colonel, it is imperative I get to Boston

Potter:
Boston, Massachusetts?

Charles:
Yes! Yes. Boston, Massachusetts.

Potter:
Now just hang on to your homburg Winchester. You come barreling into your CO's bunkhouse, bellow at him like a berserk buffalo aggravating his anger and his hangover all because you want to bug out. How would you like to spend the rest of the war with a bull's-eye on your dome?

Klinger:
(afraid of catching mumps): If you get 'em as a kid, you don't get 'em as an adult. But if you get 'em as an adult, you don't get kids. Take that, you little homewreckers!

(looking at Potter's painting)

Charles:
That is either a horse or the RCA building.

Potter:
It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end; fortunately, I have a live-in model!

Charles:
Aha! If only your talent matched your callousness!

Potter:
Major go about your business.

Charles:
I have no business.

Potter:
Take a nap.

Charles:
I'm not sleepy!

Potter:
Just listen to yourself yammer. That'll snap those eyelids shut in a flash.

Newsome (after walking out of OR and going into the tent):
The blood won't come off. No matter what I do it just stays there. See? Never gonna go away. No matter how many times I wash or how much I scrub it's gonna stay there. Where do they come from? What do they expect me to do? I can't. I can't.

Potter:
It's a tragedy people have to eat horses, they're beautiful animals. You ever take a peek at a cow or a pig? They're ugly. We're doing them a favor by eating 'em . Saves 'em the agony of looking at their reflections in the trough every morning. But a horse, that's a noble beast. Why, in the cavalry, a man's steed was his best friend, a real companion. Where do people get off making pork chops out of them? Too much killing in this world, too much death. No respect for people, for tradition, for life. The whole world is spinning down the tubes and nobody even seems to notice. I don't know, I...(breaking off due to the looks of the others)

(in the lab preparing tetanus shots for the Korean children)

Hawkeye:
OK, ten shots, one every two hours.

Charles:
Ah, a mere twenty hours 'til we are released from the munchkin horde.

BJ:
Charles, have you been hoarding munchkins again?

Potter:
You two baboons spoiled a swell movie!

Hawkeye:
No, we didn't! It's been here so long, it's spoiled by itself.

Everyone:
Yeah!

BJ:
I've seen better film forming in my soup.

Potter:
Yeah? Well I happen to think this is a fine piece of celluloid. As a matter of fact, it's mine and Mildred's favorite. Mildred loves Charles Boyer. This is a war, you know! Be grateful that we got a talkie!

Hawkeye:
We are, but don't you think we deserve a little decent entertainment?! God knows everything else around here stinks!

Potter (sarcastically):
Evening Captains Heckle and Jeckle, I would have been here sooner but I stopped to watch the dancing in the streets.

(discussing a surprise birthday party for Hawkeye in the Swamp)

Charles:
What about we do something civilized?

Klinger:
Like what?

Charles:
Like sipping sherry while musicians play a string trio by Franz Josef Haydn. Or perhaps, someone with a trained voice could read selections from Edna St. Vincent Millay.

Margaret:
This is for Pierce?

BJ:
Oh he'd love it once we got him tied to the chair.

Klinger:
That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I don't wanna be entertained by somebody with three names unless it's Gypsy Rose Lee.

Charles:
This cultural commentary is brought to you by Maxwell "Swinish" Klinger.

Klinger:
Wait! Put away your thinking caps, I got it. Imagine if you will the world's biggest salami.

Charles:
We don't have to imagine it, Klinger, we're looking at it.

Hawkeye:
I think our job might be a little easier than yours, Sidney. At least we can always see where they're bleeding.

Potter:
Now why the devil would I scribble my John Hancock 47 times?

Klinger:
Ah, you were sleepwalking sir. I didn't want to wake you. I thought it might be dangerous.

Potter:
Probably would've been. Thanks for clearing that up for me Corporal. By the way...you put too much swoop on the T.

Potter:
Have yourself a nice long rest and be back here in twelve minutes.

(Falling asleep, after Garvey has refused to send him any ambulances)

Potter:
I'm too old for this. I've got children telling me I can't play with their toys.

General Coogan:
(on the phone) Lieutenant, I'm sure you have a sound reason for not sending those ambulances into combat.

Lt. Garvey:
Yes, sir!

General Coogan:
Well, why don't you come down here in the flesh and tell me what it is?

Lt. Garvey:
In the flesh, sir?

General Coogan:
You wouldn't mind that, now, would you, Lieutenant?

Lt. Garvey:
They're on their way to you right now, sir!

General Coogan:
Thank you, Lieutenant...(hangs up phone, to Col. Potter) You see, he'll let us have those ambulances. He just wants to save his caboose!

Potter:
Okey-dokey?

Charles:
Colonel, I...

Potter:
Say "okey-dokey," Major.

Charles:
Okey...dokey.

Charles (addressing three Korean doctors):
Now, my diminutive voyeurs, this is the patient, without whom medicine would be just theory. This is the patient's chest; or in more scientific parlance, the front of the back. If there is no bellybutton in the immediate vicinity, you've committed a rather serious faux pas.

(Father Mulcahy comes into the company clerk's office wearing a dress)

Mulcahy:
Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here!

Potter:
Well, good morning Padre, or should I say, Padress.

Mulcahy:
Colonel, there's no humor in this. While I was showering, someone stole my robe and left me this.... this.... housefrock!

Klinger:
Better not take it off, Father. You'll be a defrocked priest!

Mulcahy:
Klinger, how would you like the last rites? And a few lefts?

Rizzo:
The Army is a breeze, once you get the hang of the Luther Rizzo secret of military success.

Klinger:
What is it?

Rizzo:
Never smile.

Klinger:
Huh?

Rizzo:
The Army hates to see a man grin. Makes them think they've failed somehow. But moan and groan and carry on, they'll leave you to your lonesome; long as they know you're miserable, they're happy.