Malcolm in the Middle, Season 1

Malcolm:
You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.

Lois:
Hey, Francis, how's school?

Francis:
Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday. So, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homo-eroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.

[Lois appears holding a charred red dress.]

Lois:
Fire? Fire? Fire?

Malcolm:
Mom, what?

Lois:
This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?

Reese:
Malcolm did it!

Malcolm:
Reese did it!

Reese:
I didn't do it!

Malcolm:
I didn't do it!

Dewey:
We're going to the dentist?

Lois:
[sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can] Go ahead. It's a name brand. [opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it] I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this. This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. [shows Reese, but at a different time] And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. [shows Dewey, also at a different time] And I want that to be you. [back to Malcolm] Because you always been the best one. [back to Reese] You've always been the best one. [back to Dewey] You have always been the best one.

Malcolm:
Mom, honestly, I don't know.

Reese:
[different time] I don't know.

Dewey:
[different time] Don't know.

Lois:
Hi! We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.

Dewey:
He's...in the bathroom.

Lois:
Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.

Dewey:
He's...in the bathroom.

Lois:
They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?

Dewey:
I have to go to the bathroom. [hangs up]

[After cleaning up the house]

Reese:
It's never been this clean before.

Malcolm:
Uh-oh. It's too clean.

Francis:
You're right. She'll never buy it.

[The boys start messing up the house]

Reese:
Cool, let's go tell him.

Malcolm:
No. You know how Francis gets when people tell him what to do.

[Flashback, while Francis is at home and Lois is preparing dinner]

Lois:
I am warning you, if you get your nose pierced, you are going to military school and I mean it really. do you hear me.

[Francis smiles in defiance. He soon comes home with his nose pierced.]

Francis:
Hey mom, what's for dinner?

[Flashback ends and Reese realises the full extent of Malcolm's warning]'

Reese:
right.

Malcolm:
What do you mean he's only seven?!

Nurse:
What's not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice!

Malcolm:
He CAN'T be seven. He's bigger than I am!

Nurse:
He's in second grade! [cleaning up Kevin] Look at all this blood...

Malcolm:
That's not blood, it's pizza sauce! Well that's blood, but...

[Caroline Miller enters the nurse's office]

Caroline:
Oh my God... OH MY GOD! What happened?

Kevin:
[bawling] I want my Teletubby!

Malcolm:
A doll?! You can't play with dolls if you're seven... WHY ARE YOU SEVEN?!

Caroline:
You beat up a seven-year-old?

Malcolm:
I didn't know!

Caroline:
Malcolm, I don't blame you. I put this squarely where it belongs... [close to tears] On me!

Malcolm:
[to camera] Oh, man. This is the most horrible thing I've ever done! [to Kevin] Kevin, I'm sorry!

Nurse:
I think you've done quite enough.

Kevin:
This is the worst birthday ever!

Malcolm:
I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you--you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.

Stevie:
And yet...you keep...talking.

Hal:
Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?

Malcolm:
Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us.

Dewey:
Mom, can I have a story?

Lois:
Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.

Dewey:
An evil circus?

Lois:
No, a nice one with monkeys.

Dewey:
Thank you.

Malcolm:
Someone stole my friend's wheelchair.

Security Guard:
What's it look like?

Malcolm:
It's a chair... with wheels.

[Francis is hanging upside down]

Stevenson:
You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?

Francis:
I'm really not. No.

Stevenson:
[dropping the executioner's hood] Why not? This stuff is way scary.

Francis:
I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.

[Flashbacks occurs with Lois embarrassing a child Francis by yelling at the referee for a traveling foul. Then, it switches to a teenage Francis being more embarrassed by Lois as she shows his girlfriend his baby pictures in the photo album. Finally it switches to Lois in the boys locker room at Marlin Academy.]

Lois:
[Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel] It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis. Do you know how much it's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken. And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy. I'm telling your mother.

Francis:
[flashback ends] And that's the stuff I didn't block out.

[The cult realizes the scare tactic wasn't working and decides to try something new. They replace the photo of a tormented man with a photo of Lois.]

Lois:
All right, I've had it! You two are banned from Nintendo.

Reese:
OK! We're already banned from Nintendo.

Malcolm:
[to audience] The sad thing is, he thinks he's outsmarted her.

[After finding out Francis escaped]

Malcolm:
Mom, I think he's okay. [Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the camera] Uh-oh, tactical error.

Hal:
What do you mean?

Malcolm:
I mean, he's always okay.

Hal:
Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...

Lois:
Oh, for God's sake. [to Malcolm] WHERE IS HE!!!

Malcolm:
He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. [to the camera] Oh my God, how did she do that?

Lois:
I knew it. When did you talk to him?

Malcolm:
Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... [Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her] This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.

Reese:
Hey, what am I thinking right now?

Malcolm:
I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.

Dewey:
Can you understand what dogs are saying?

Malcolm:
No.

Dewey:
I can.

Malcolm:
[about Malcolm's class picnic] There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.

Dewey:
Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.

Lois:
That's right. She has two daddies.

Reese:
Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

[Hal comes home to see Reese and Malcolm kneeling with their noses against a door]

Hal:
Oh, hello, boys. How long are you in for?

Reese:
Another hour.

Hal:
Yeaow.

Malcolm:
It's been ten days since Mom lost her job. Yf

[Malcolm and Reese are watching cartoons; Dewey gets in front of the TV]

Reese:
What are you looking at, monkey boy?

Dewey:
[hits himself] Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!

Reese:
What are you doing?

Dewey:
[continues hitting himself] Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!

Reese:
Cut it out!

Dewey:
Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!

Reese:
Knock it off, you little...

Lois:
[from the other room] REESE!! [approaches them] What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 minutes without picking on him!

Reese:
I didn't do anything!

Lois:
No!

Reese:
He was lying!

[Dewey takes Reese's spot]

Malcolm:
[to the camera] I gave him that.

Lois:
Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.

Malcolm:
She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.

Lois:
At school? It's the only break I get!

Malcolm:
I think is time to move to plan B: lying.

[Scene switches to the kitchen]

Lois:
What book report?

Malcolm:
I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started reading it. [to the camera] Standard technique. You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.

Lois:
So what's the report on?

Malcolm:
A Tale of Two Cities.

Lois:
Oh, how many words?

Malcolm:
750.

Lois:
Was that on your assignment sheet?

Malcolm:
No, it's an addendum.

Lois:
When did you get that?

Malcolm:
Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. [to the camera] Oh, nice one.

Lois:
Well, I suppose that if it's school work.

Malcolm:
[to the camera] That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.

Lois:
A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?

Malcolm:
Charles Dickens.

Lois:
Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.

Malcolm:
No, it's Dickens.

Lois:
Is that the one with Jean Valjean?

Malcolm:
That's Les Miserables.

Lois:
No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: "It's a far, far, better thing I do..." right before he steals the loaf of bread?

Malcolm:
No. Sidney Carton says that before they behead him.

Lois:
I thought you hadn't read it.

Malcolm:
What? No, I said I hadn't written it.

Lois:
And when is it due?

Malcolm:
Tomorrow, I told you.

Lois:
On Les Miserables?

Malcolm:
Yes. No. A Tale of Two Cities.

Lois:
Which you haven't read yet.

Malcolm:
Right.

Lois:
But you just said you did.

Malcolm:
No. I-I said I didn't... and then you said... it was Thursday, and... [shouting angrily] Look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral!

Malcolm:
Mom, I can't wear Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this, Jell-o in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.

Lois:
You should be glad he only wore it the one time.

Malcolm:
Listen to the words: good, boy, cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.

Reese:
Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.

Malcolm:
You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.

Reese:
There's six steps?

Malcolm:
Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.

Reese:
You remember that by just watching?

Malcolm:
You guys did it like ten times!

Reese:
So, you know my routine?

Malcolm:
It's not that hard.

Reese:
But... you know my routine.

Malcolm:
Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...

Reese:
No, you don't. You're going to help me.

Malcolm:
That is where I was going.

Reese:
Oh, good. Let's get started.

Malcolm:
No! Don't you know how embarrassing this is?

Reese:
I know what's more embarrassing.

Malcolm:
What?

Reese:
Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader.

Hal:
Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. [looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll]

Malcolm:
[to the camera] Oh, man! I still play with that.

Hal:
You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. [accidentally fires toy gun from the robot] Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. [imitates robot] "I like you!" [imitates girl doll] "I like you, too!" [back to normal voice] ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.

Dewey:
[smiling] Not me.

Hal:
Well, ask your brothers.

[Malcolm & Reese give disgusted looks]

Hal:
If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this... "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"

[Reese is seen rollerblading through the house and sitting on the couch]

Lois:
Wait a minute...somebody stepped in something...oh my God...oh my God! What a mess! Reese, what did you roll in?

Reese:
Aw, man! [After inspecting the wheels of his skate, he begins wiping it off on the corner of the table]

[Lois opens her mouth to scream]

...

[Lois emits a pained squeak]

Hal:
You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back?

Lois:
[Busting Reese on the intercom] What are you doing!

Reese:
Nothing.

Lois:
Get a glass.

[Reese tries to ignore Lois by trying to drink from the milk carton again]

Lois:
Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you blue, mister. Get a glass!!!

Reese:
All right! Okay!!!

Dewey:
Can I have some milk?

Lois:
Yes... but get a glass!

Dewey:
Okay.

Hal:
[answering the phone] Hello! Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson. Well, yes, I do have a very good reason for not going in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun. Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree. [hangs up; rips the phone from wall]

Spangler:
Hello!

Lois:
Who are you?

Spangler:
Edwin Spangler. I am Commandant of Marlin Academy.

Lois:
Good for you. Where's your eye?

Spangler:
Pardon?

Lois:
Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest.

Spangler:
Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.

Lois:
Homework?! You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.

Spangler:
Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf...

Lois:
Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play "army man" somewhere else?

Spangler:
[walking away] God, she is magnificent.

Reese:
I'm really adopted, aren't I?

Lois:
No, you're ours, and we love you.

Reese:
Damn!

[Malcolm quickly comes up with a good question to ask Lois.]

Malcolm:
How did you Dewey's bike wasn't really stolen?

Reese:
That is a good question.

Lois:
Francis told me.

Malcolm:
You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.

Francis:
I know, you guys would never do that to me.

Malcolm:
But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right?

Francis:
Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter.

Malcolm:
Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.

Francis:
So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?

Malcolm Ever since I can remember, we've always had trouble with baby-sitters.

[flashback]

Baby-sitter A:
[cooing] Hello! Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo. Goochy, goochy- [screams as her finger is bitten]

Baby-sitter B:
I don't know, sweetie; what do you have behind your back? [screams, running from the house]

Baby-sitter C:
[locked in the closet by Malcolm and Reese] You little losers, I've had enough of this! You open this door right now! Look, I'm a little claustrophobic, okay? Just open the door! Let me out! Come on!

[back to the present]

Malcolm:
I don't know. I'm starting to think it might be us.

Lois:
Do you think we're wealthy?! Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things?! NO! Wealthy people can afford any of their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and go again. Your father and I worked so hard, so long. What is wrong with you two?! Are you aborigines?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting. And I pray to God that's someone else's children, but it's not, it's always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, you're always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys. It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer. Well, so help me....

[Comes to the realization that Reese and Malcolm are up to something.]

Lois:
Don't you dare!

[Malcolm pushes Lois down the slide by the finger and she screams.]

Attendant:
Arms and legs crossed at all times.

Reese:
That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.

Malcolm:
Yeah.

Reese:
You're gonna die.

Malcolm:
I know. So, you think she's gonna be okay?

[Lois pulls the two of them down the slide as well]

Lois:
Every day is a lottery and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands

Malcolm:
And its totally unfair. Everyone acts like Francis is this big troublemaker and he's not!

[Flashbacks with Francis being brought home in handcuffs by the police.]

Francis:
Dad, I know what you're going to say and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I've done. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless and I'm really, really sorry.

[Scene switches to Francis having sex with his girlfriend, BeeBee.]

Francis:
I'm hoping against hope you would give me another chance.

[Scene switches to Francis destroying a neighbor's car by setting it on fire, which explained his eventual arrest.]

Francis:
Which I admit I don't deserve, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I can earn your trust back.

[Flashback ends as Malcolm faces the audience]

Malcolm:
It's not like it was even "our" car.

[At Malcolm's school, Kitty Kenarban, is his teacher in his class. Her personality is more cynical and stern]

Kitty:
Those of you who are finished with your temper painting can bring it up here and start on your charcoal still life. You may take two pieces of fruit with you, but please be care with them, I bought them with my own money. My own money.

Lois:
[calling] Are you boys almost finished wrapping our present? I have to meet your father at the restaurant in ten minutes!

Stevie:
Dear... penthouse...

Malcolm:
Yesterday, I pushed my friend Stevie down some stairs.

Stevie:
Point... taken.

Lois:
Fate is just what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.

Lois:
Who's this?

Reese:
How should I know?

Lois:
Hal?

Hal:
Beats me.

Lois:
Dewey, is this a friend of yours?

Dewey:
Uh-huh.

Lois:
Who is he?

Dewey:
I dunno.

Hal:
What's your name, son?

Egg:
[Whispering] Egg.

Hall:
Did he say Greg?

Lois:
I thought he said Craig.

Dewey:
His name is Egg.

Hal:
Egg?

Dewey:
I named him.

Lois:
Well, you can't keep him! He needs to go home. Okay?

Dewey:
Okay.

Malcolm:
[On the phone with Francis] Then, she slid in the trash and ran off. I swear this family is falling apart.

Francis:
[Elated] Yes! I knew this moment would come. They don't have their "scapegoat" around so everything goes to hell.

[Malcolm gets an idea forming in his head.]

Francis:
No one realizes that I was the one who held this family together. Without me to blame everything on, they doesn't know what to do with themselves.

Malcolm:
A scapegoat, thanks. [He quickly hangs up and faces the screen] He's right. This family needs a scapegoat. I started this, so I should be the one to end it.

[Lois had just gotten wind of Reese breaking Dewey's birthday present, thank to Malcolm taking the backpack and revealing the crushed Mighty Man toy as proof of his older brother's wrongdoing.]

Lois:
Oh my God! Was this Dewey's present?

Dewey:
Present?

Lois:
Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? HAL!

Hal:
I'm on it. [standing up and taking Reese's hockey stick] That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.

Malcolm:
[smug] There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.

[Lois and Hal are further disgusted with Reese.]

Hal:
You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.

Dewey:
Mighty Man?!

Lois:
I can't believe you.

Hal:
This is a whole new low, Reese.

Reese:
[Attempts to stand up, but Hal and Lois forces him back on the couch] First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. And as for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.

Lois:
[convinced] Who says "we're" not going.

Reese:
You did!

Lois:
Well you can guess again. You're going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman. We all are!

Lois:
[At Aunt Helen's funeral] Yeah Francis, your father's giving a speech and it's actually kind of good.

Lawyer:
Can I have my phone back?

Lois:
I'm almost done, sweetie. [continues talking to Francis] Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely.

[Reese is seen with his back turned facing the corner and his nose to the wall as his punishment for breaking Dewey's birthday present as well as his intentions to stash the remains in Aunt Helen's coffin. He turns around thinking Lois hasn't seen him. Unfortunately, she busted him doing so and is angry at him.]

Lois:
[yelling at Reese] YOU TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, MISTER!!!

[Everyone else is shocked as Reese in fear turns around to face the wall.]

Lois:
[to Francis] You'll never guess what Reese did.

Reese:
I cannot believe you said that to dad. Oh by the way if you pass Francis on your way to Siberia, tell him I said hi.

Malcolm:
Do you think he told mom?

Reese:
I wouldn't worry about that. Mom's feeling a lot better. Dr. Reese paid her a visit.

Malcolm:
What are you talking about?

Reese:
[talking about Hal's failure to slip Lois pain medication] Let's just say pills and sandwich, not effective. Pills and milk, effective.

Malcolm:
They have a fake letter. I knew Francis wouldn't leave us alone without getting something, and I knew you'd give it away. I knew exactly what everyone would do.

Reese:
So where's the real letter?

Malcolm:
I had to think of the one place they'd never think of looking. I had to give it to the one person they'd never think I'd give it to. I did the most brilliant thing of all: I gave it to Dewey.

Dewey:
And I hid it under Mom's pillow.

Malcolm:
You WHAT?!

[A sick Lois is seen sitting up on her bed. She is shocked by the contents of the letter detailing Francis' prank to both a prestige university and Marlin Academy.]

[A sick Lois is sitting on the bed now realizing that today is Monday. Because she is caught up with her flu and Francis' prank to Marlin Academy, she has ignored punishing the boys for skipping school]

Lois:
I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him. I am going to kill him!

Reese:
OOOOOOHH, this is all a dream.

Lois:
Oh, shut up, Reese!

Malcolm':
Mom, stop it. You're sick.

Lois:
I'm too mad to be sick. You know he's finally done it this time. Where is that brochure for the work farm in Arizona?

[Lois goes through a drawer on her nightstand for the work farm in Arizona for troubled teens. The boys are no more troubled when Lois brings it out and realize where Francis may be heading next.]

Lois:
He thinks Military school is tough. Just wait.... Wait.... wait... wait... wait...

[She heads to the bathroom to throw up.]

Hal:
[bursts into the room] Who wants to make five bucks?

Malcolm:
How?

Hal:
I need someone to take the fall.

Lois:
[from downstairs] Oh, my God...

Malcolm:
What did you do?

Hal:
I can't tell you. Yes or no? No questions asked.

Lois:
Oh, my God!

Malcolm:
Make it ten.

Hal:
Done.

Lois:
Oh, my God!

Hal:
[whispers] You're a good son. [drags Malcolm out by his collar] I got him, honey! I got him, don't worry!