Melrose Place, Season 1

Ella:
[talking to two other agents] So here's the thing. Your client has gone from inside the Actors Studio to outside of Coco de Ville doing blow with somebody else's boyfriend.

Agent #1:
We're agents, not babysitters.

Ella:
She needs a new publicist. She needs me.

David:
Ella, Sydney's in trouble. She keeps text-bombing me. I gotta go.

Ella:
Gotta lose that leash, dude.

David:
It's not like that. I'll call you later.

Ella:
Hello! Excuse me. You're my ride.

David:
[hands Ella a $100 bill] Here, cab it.

Ella:
Who wants another shot?

Jonah:
I know Sydney could sometimes rub people the wrong way, but to think someone could actually stick a knife in her.

Ella:
Yeah, well, karma sucks. You stab enough people in the back, and eventually, you get a knife in your own.

Auggie:
Ella, she was just zipped into a body bag. How about showing a shred of respect?

Ella:
[after David was interrogated] Hey, O.J.

David:
Look, Ella, I knew you could pull strings, but LAPD? That's huge. What did you tell them?

Ella:
You couldn't have killed Sydney because you were at my place.

David:
At 5:30 in the morning? Everybody's going to think that we hooked up.

Ella:
Oh, so, it gives them something to tweet about.

[In a flashback of Ella's]

Sydney:
Why did you tell David? He never needed to know.

Ella:
David is my friend. You were sleeping with his father. What was I supposed to do?

Sydney:
I thought I was your friend. You were like a sister to me, Ella. Who got you this apartment, your first job? If it wasn't for me, you would still be wearing Juicy sweatsuits with French tips and a bad dye job.

Ella:
So what? That makes me your indentured servant for the rest of my life?

Sydney:
No. I just never expected you to do that to me. You have until the end of the month. I want you out.

Ella:
You're evicting me? You can't do that.

Sydney:
Actually, I can do a lot worse. Just ask the people who used to live here.

Ella:
Oh, what? Am I supposed to be scared of you?

Sydney:
Probably. Because when I'm through with you, you are gonna leave LA the same way that you arrived... a pathetic wannabe.

Jonah:
I don't get you, El. That guy at Coal and then that couple at the farmer's market. Don't you just want to meet someone and settle down and fall in love?

Ella:
You can love someone without declaring yourself exclusive for the rest of your life. Hey. I love love. I just hate monogamy.

[Jonah and Riley are making out in the bedroom when Ella knocks on the door]

Ella:
[after Riley opens the door] Hi. What are you still doing here?

Riley:
Uh, I live here.

Jonah:
[shows up putting his shirt back on] Ella, what's going on?

Ella:
God, Jonah and Rilus interruptus?

Ella:
[comes into Caleb Brewer's office] Hi. I'm Ella. Simms? Junior publicist?

Caleb:
Right. You work under Phillip.

Ella:
Worked. From what I hear, he's past tense, and quite frankly, good call. Never trust a man who spray-tans.

Caleb:
Or a woman who has no loyalty for her coworker. [hands Ella a box] Here you go. Pack up your office.

Ella:
What?

Caleb:
You know... think of this as the Titanic, Ella. There's only so much room on the life raft.

Ella:
Caleb... I never say this to a man, but I am now. Letting me go would be the biggest mistake of your life.

Caleb:
Oh, I seriously doubt that.

Ella:
Give me the weekend, and I promise, I will bring a client into this firm that is bigger than Zach Quinto's eyebrows.

Jasper:
You think I need a publicist? Past few months, I've been on the cover of more magazines than the queen.

Ella:
And that is exactly your problem, my friend. You're overexposed. Don't let Jasper Barnes become the next Josh Hartnett.

Jasper:
If you really wanted to make the right impression, you wouldn't be prattling on about overexposure. You'd be unbuttoning my trousers.

Ella:
Yeah, I don't take on small jobs.

Jasper:
Cheeky, huh? Okay. Maybe I'll set up a proper meeting with you, talk about my long-term needs. Only if tonight, we focus on my more immediate one.

Ella:
Follow me. [Ella and Jasper go to a more secluded area of the party] Okay, drop 'em. [Jasper drops his pants] Mmm... nice. You see what's in my hand, you dumbass? [Takes a picture of Jasper's genitalia with her BlackBerry]

Jasper:
Bloody hell!

Ella:
You want my two cents as a publicist? I'll give you three. One: put your junk away. Just because it's British does not make it any less offensive. Two: when Andy Dick calls asking you to cohost the Spike TV Awards, the answer, and the only answer, is no. And three: when you're out in public, every single thing you do is one click away from being texted to Perez. I told you you were overexposed. Oh, and by the way... I deleted it. Ta ta.

Ella:
What are you doing in here? You better not be going through the medicine cabinet without me. After what I've just been through, I could use a benzo or 12.

David:
All they had were blood thinners, not my thing.

Ella:
You know what? I think you are just being greedy. Or you're lying.

David:
I'm not the delinquent you think I am. Let's go.

Ella:
I know you're a guy that Trudy's not the least bit interested in. I am so on to you, dude. You lurk around with this deep, dark brooding secret. You know it's only a matter of time before I find you out.

David:
There's nothing to figure out. I am who I am.

Ella:
Yeah, you're so full of it. That's who you are. And it is becoming more and more difficult for me to be friends with somebody who's hiding something from me.

David:
If I show you something, you promise to keep it between us?

Ella:
You're not going to flash me, are you? Because I think I've seen enough flappage for tonight, thank you.

Ella:
You wanted to see me?

Caleb:
Well, in case you hadn't noticed, it's Monday.

Ella:
And I am a woman of my word. Have you heard of Trudy Chandler? Stylist to the stars? I am this close to signing one of her clients.

Caleb:
Uh, well, "this close" wasn't part of the deal. You know, in fact, I am familiar with Trudy Chandler. So familiar, in fact, that I stopped by her house Saturday night.

Ella:
You were at that party?

Caleb:
Not only was I there, but, uh, I made quite an impression. I signed Jasper Barnes.

Ella:
Okay, that's impossible because I know what it takes to sign that guy, and there is no way that you could've...

Caleb:
Oh, sweetheart, you really need to recalibrate that gaydar.

Ella:
Okay, you may be into men, but Jasper was into me.

Caleb:
He is an actor. He's into anybody that can pleasure him personally or professionally. And apparently, you fall into the latter category.

Ella:
What?

Caleb:
Despite my best "signing" techniques, which were... well, more than enough to seal the deal, he insisted that you be his point person. He said he's never met a publicist as ballsy as you are.

Ella:
Well, he was right.

Ella:
[after receiving a text message from Caleb on her BlackBerry] Mother...!

Lauren:
Morning. You want coffee?

Ella:
I want sleep and another set of opposable thumbs.

Caleb:
What are you doing here?

Ella:
This is where they put my desk. Your turn.

Caleb:
Our client, Kavi DeKnight, he walked off the set of Boomkat's new music video this morning.

Ella:
Yeah. I am already on it.

Caleb:
Uh, if you were on it, then TMZ wouldn't have caught Kavi sprinting past MOCA screaming like a madman.

Ella:
What did Kavi expect? Taryn's a live grenade. She thinks everyone's stalking her.

Caleb:
Meanwhile, Kavi's credibility as a director is quickly becoming a PR Hindenburg.

Ella:
Caleb, relax. This thing spins like a top. Kavi had a bad burrito and went home. Done. Let craft service take the hit.

Jonah:
[after Taryn Manning pointed a gun at him when he stopped by her bus] Now when you say the original director walked out the set, did you actually mean it was more of a run followed by a duck-and-cover?

Ella:
So Taryn's a little paranoid.

Jonah:
A little? She's packing heat, El!

Ella:
Oh, please! She had a bad run-in with a stalker, and now she's got trust issues. The gun's her security blanket. I doubt it's even loaded.

Jonah:
Yeah, well, guess who's not sticking around to find out.

Ella:
Jonah, come on! With your people skills, she's like putty in your hands.

Jonah:
Yeah, maybe the kind they make C-4 explosives with, sure. Gosh, El, seriously! What did you get me into here? I'm a director, not a hostage negotiator.

Ella:
Look, if I didn't think you could do it, I wouldn't be risking my entire career for you.

Jonah:
What? What's wrong with your career?

Ella:
You know it must be tragic when I can't even sugarcoat it. I can't drop the ball in front of my new boss, okay?

Jonah:
You won't, though... you're, like, the superhero of spin. You'll be fine.

Ella:
You don't have to convince me I'm good. I'm great. It's just that my new boss is dead set on turning my office into his very own private cigar lounge.

Jonah:
I never realized there was a guy on this planet that actually intimidated you.

Ella:
Well, maybe I didn't want to lose your respect. Look... the bottom line is that I hired you because I believe in you.

Jonah:
I never thought I would actually say this, but... let me see what I can do about getting the .45 away from the crazy chick in the bus.

Ella:
[after Jonah decides to make changes to Boomkat's music video] Okay, Jonah, spit out the LSD. The label approved the storyboards. You can't change anything.

Jonah:
Ella, this video is flat. Taryn looks like the Tin Man who's in serious need of some WD-40.

Taryn:
[after Jonah finishes shooting the video] So, you're coming to the loft party, right?

Jonah:
Uh, I don't know. That's the first I've heard of it.

Taryn:
Oh. Well, apparently, there's a stripper pole in one of the bedrooms. So, I was thinking you could grab that camera and direct me in something a little more private.

Jonah:
That sounds like a very interesting project, but... I'm gonna have to pass.

Taryn:
So I guess it's true: once gun-shy, always gun-shy. Pow. Bye.

Ella:
What, you're not into rock stars? Guess schoolteacher's more your speed.

Jonah:
It's been a long day, Ella.

Ella:
You're not seriously going home to your bride-in-waiting?

Jonah:
Yeah, I treated her like crap today, El. None of this means anything unless I have someone to share it with.

Ella:
You were brilliant today, Jonah. When you focus and you execute, you're unstoppable. Why would you let anyone come in the way of that?

Jonah:
Because I'm not like you, El. I can't just turn off my emotions, okay? When I said I wasn't thinking about Riley, she was still on my mind. She's always with me.

Ella:
Well, then I hope she likes bar mitzvahs and birthday parties. Because if you don't start putting your career first, that's all you're gonna have to share with her. Think about it.

Detective Rodriguez:
[referring to Violet, after she goes to her bedroom to change her clothes] So what's your guess? Actress? Singer?

Detective Drake:
Future stripper?

Detective Rodriguez:
Yeah, my money's on all the above.

Ella:
If I'm eavesdropping correctly, you just scored yourself another date.

Lauren:
Hardly. It's drinks with a fellow intern.

Ella:
Hot intern?

Lauren:
Married woman intern.

Ella:
Yes, but is she hot?

Lauren:
[referring to Jane, Sydney's sister] Hey, what do you think of our new landlord?

Ella:
Well, I can certainly see the family resemblance. She's got Syd's fangs.

Jonah:
Did you just tell me Violet is Sydney's daughter? I'm not a little fuzzy from my two rum and cokes?

Riley:
They wanted to get to know each other better before they told people.

Jonah:
Riley, in our own little personal slasher flick here, this is the part where the audience stands up and starts screaming, "Um, hello? She's the killer!" [turns around and sees Violet]

David:
Shouldn't you be bobbing for olives in your after-party martini?

Ella:
Change of plans. I canceled the red carpet close-ups for Jane's dress.

David:
Won't that be the shot heard around the courtyard?

Ella:
It doesn't matter. After I spread the word that Abby Douglas hated her dress, Jane's samples won't be fit to mop floors.

David:
Yeah. I don't know if that's gonna be enough to stop whatever she has planned for you. Let me take care of it.

Ella:
You?

David:
Yeah. Jane was married to my father. The skeletons won't take long to find. I'll bury her.

Ella:
Wow. I don't think anyone's ever offered to destroy an enemy of mine before. David... That's almost... romantic.

David:
Or we could say that it's all about the thrill of victory.

Ella:
Go with romantic... [they kiss] Let's go work on that alibi.

Ella:
I got the oddest e-mail from Jane. All's forgiven.

David:
Really?

Ella:
Uh-huh.

David:
That was easy.

Ella:
You know what could have changed her mind?

David:
Maybe.

Ella:
Wow. You weren't kidding about the toxic waste buried in your family history. Just so we're clear...

David:
Mm?

Ella:
What you did... amazing. But last night? Total one-off. [referring to their kiss]

David:
Why? You can't tell me you didn't have a good time.

Ella:
Oh, don't flatter yourself, David. I always have a good time.

David:
[on camera for Ella's birthday video] Ella, I've known you for seven months now and you're one of my closest friends and, uh, I don't have a lot of close friends. I'd do anything for you. And I do mean anything. So, if you want to start your next year off with a bang, you know where I live.

Riley:
I thought this was supposed to be PG.

David:
Hey, I try my best.

Riley:
You're so not speaking at our wedding.

Detective Rodriguez:
[shows Dante Zaretti's mug shot to Ella] You know him?

Ella:
Who doesn't? Dante Zaretti. P.I. to the stars.

Detective Rodriguez:
Have you ever used his services?

Ella:
Half of my clients are married to cheating, drug-abusing, tax-evading celebutards. I have five P.I.'s on speed dial. That's not a crime. Why am I here?

Detective Rodriguez:
We're still trying to account for your timeline the night Sydney Andrews died.

Ella:
Didn't we cover this?

Detective Rodriguez:
Where were you?

Ella:
Like I said the first time, I left Coal at midnight. And then I went home and spent the night molesting my neighbor, David Breck. It's okay, he's over 18.

[In a flashback of Ella's]

Sydney:
You embarrassed me.

Ella:
Oh, well, hello to you, too, Syd. I have a conference call with New York, so...

Sydney:
I had another gallery showing last night, and only made one sale. No one showed up. Your publicity blitz was a complete and utter failure.

Ella:
Come on. I wrangled more buyers through those doors than anybody at this company.

Sydney:
Well, they weren't there last night.

Ella:
Syd, you are being unreasonable. I got you write-ups in the LA Times, The Weekly, even Vanity Fair. It is not my fault if nobody likes the art.

Sydney:
We had a deal. I turn you into a real publicist, and you promote my gallery. What am I supposed to tell my artists when they start pulling their work off the walls?

Ella:
I don't know. Paint prettier pictures.

David:
El, if I'm gonna be your alibi, I need to know the real story.

Ella:
Okay. Only if you promise not to tell a soul.

David:
I promise.

Ella:
I mean it, David. You say anything, and I will tell everyone that behind all the Prada, you're really the prince of San Berdoo.

David:
Cough it up, El. What are you hiding?

Ella:
Okay. You want to know the truth? The night Sydney died... I slept with a client.

David:
I'm sorry, what?

Ella:
I slept with a client.

David:
That's it? That's your big confession?

Ella:
Well, it is when their high-profile wife is also a client. Look, if this hit the blogosphere, I'd get 15 minutes of fame and a lifetime of peddling In-N-Out burgers.

Detective Rodriguez:
[referring to Dante] If we can confirm his story, you can bet your Burberry you'll be arrested for murder.

Ella:
Well, that's one big "if", Detective. Good luck with that.

Detective Rodriguez:
Oh, I'm not so sure I'm gonna need any luck. It's gonna feel real good when I get to tighten those handcuffs around those adorable little wrists of yours.

Ella:
Aren't you late for your power cocktails with the velvet mafia pre-Laker game?

Caleb:
Oh, I got a half hour and a vested interest in women's trendy denim.

Ella:
Or more like a vested interest in what's under Anton's hemp boxer briefs.

Caleb:
Hot, talented, successful... He's more than mere hookup material. I'd date him.

Ella:
That is so cute.

Caleb:
So, how's the press kit coming along?

Anton:
[to Jonah, away from Ella and Caleb] No! Jonah, we need to see the details, okay?!

Jonah:
Oh, yes. I can do that.

Ella:
Go. I'll take care of this. I mean, you don't want to be sober for tip-off.

Caleb:
Ella, keep Anton happy. Oh, and, uh... find out if he's dating anybody.

Ella:
Ooh, I like it.

Anton:
[referring to Riley] That girl right there. She's beautiful. She's grounded. So real. She's perfect.

Ella:
For what, monitoring a playground?

Saffron:
God, I love yachts. Makes me feel like I'm in the South of France.

Lauren:
This doesn't look like the South of France to me.

Saffron:
We can pretend, right? It's what we do. [referring to escort prostitution]

Ella:
Anton V wants you to model for his new line.

Jonah:
What?

Riley:
Okay, I've had a really long day, and I'm not in the mood to be mocked.

Ella:
I... am as serious as a shoe sale at Barneys.

Riley:
I don't understand. Anton knows I'm not a model.

Ella:
And that is exactly why he wants you.

Violet:
[to Dr. Mancini, at Coal] I invented a drink just for you. The M.D., because after you drink it, you're gonna need one.

Jo:
[about shooting Riley] This is never gonna work. She's a total amateur.

Ella:
Well, that's why Anton hired her-a real girl for real denim. Oh, come on. Models are like jeans. You just have to break them in a little bit.

Jo:
I see this all the time with the new girls. You know, she's just afraid to lose her inhibitions. I need hot, I need sexy.

Riley:
How am I doing? Is everything okay?

Jo:
Yeah. You're doing great. I'm just gonna shake it up a bit, look for a different look, so, um, keep the jeans and lose the top. [Riley looks shocked at Ella]

Jo:
[while shooting Riley] I want you to show me the side of you that wants to unchain herself from the classroom, from the fiancé and everything else that's stopping you from being the person you really want to be.

Riley:
I am the person I want to be.

Jo:
Oh, come on. Nobody really wants to teach public school and marry some guy who can't even pay the bills!

Ella:
It's your choice if you don't want to believe in yourself.

Riley:
Since when does believing in myself require me to abandon all self-respect?

Ella:
Do you think Jonah's self-respect soars through the roof every time he shoots a Dora the Explorer-themed birthday bash?

Ella:
Maybe you shouldn't have pushed her so hard.

Jo:
It's what I do. Until she's able to tap into who she really is, she should stick to the ABC's instead of selling out for a pair of jeans and a few thousand bucks.

Ella:
Selling out? I'm sorry, weren't you the one who traded in the refugee camps for a 12-page spread in Vogue? Maybe Riley wasn't the only one posing out there today.

David:
What, are you stalking me now?

Lauren:
David, this is serious. That must've been thousands of dollars worth of diamonds.

David:
Not really your problem, is it?

Lauren:
Is it the thrill? Do you get off on doing this to people?

David:
I see. First you're my doctor, now you're my shrink.

Jonah:
You did not just say The Killing was a better film than Reservoir Dogs. Reservoir Dogs is so much more polished.

Kendra:
Dogs totally ripped off Kubrick. Most of Tarantino's so-called masterpieces are overrated knockoffs.

Jonah:
Yes, he appropriates. From, like, everybody. What makes him a genius is how he puts those pieces together.

Kendra:
I love how one of the most original voices I've heard recently is defending one of the most unoriginal.

Ella:
And here she is again returning home from yet another late night looking absolutely fabulous.

Lauren:
What are you doing here? I thought you had a client dinner.

Ella:
Nope. Client cancelled. Anyway, I need all the deets on who you're getting dolled up for, so spill. Who's the lucky guy?

Lauren:
Believe me, there is no lucky guy. Just a lot of unlucky first dates.

Ella:
You are being strangely secretive. You're not sleeping with a married man, are you? Or perhaps a married doctor?

Lauren:
Ella. No married man. Doctor or otherwise. Drop it.

Ella:
You know, Lor, gossip may be my bread and butter at work, but off duty, I can actually keep a secret. So if you want to talk, the odds are high I've been through the same thing that you're dealing with, at least once.

Lauren:
I appreciate that. But my life's just not tabloid material.

Ella:
[to Jessie Roberts] No more putting any of that crap up your nose. Otherwise, you're going to have to power lunch with River Phoenix. [Jessie gives Ella a clueless look] "Who's River Phoenix?" Oh, God, kill me now.

Lauren:
[comes into Jessie's room] I got a page. W... Ella.

Ella:
Lauren. Hi. How is my favorite doctor?

Lauren:
You paged me?

Ella:
Mm-hmm. I did. Come on, let's go chat. [Ella and Lauren go outside] Okay, listen, Lauren, I need a little favor.

Lauren:
Mm-hmm.

Ella:
Jessie Roberts is one of our biggest clients, okay? He is Zac Efron and the Jonas Brothers wrapped into one squeaky clean, heartthrobby package.

Lauren:
Squeaky clean? Ella, that kid had so many chemicals in his system, it's a miracle he woke up.

Lauren:
What are you doing?

Ella:
[holding an envelope of cash she found in Lauren's wardrobe] I was just going to ask you the same thing, pretty woman. The late nights. The amazing wardrobe. The mystery men. How did I not figure this out sooner?

Lauren:
Figure what out? My dad sent me that money for school.

Ella:
Yeah, who's your dad, Tony Soprano?

Lauren:
This is a brick of cold cash. He won it playing poker. He's been playing every Wednesday night, ever since I was a kid.

Ella:
Lor, it's the middle of the afternoon, and you're dressed like a million bucks. Which better be in the ballpark of what you're charging.

Lauren:
I was at a luncheon, okay? An interns special honors lunch. And I resent you interrogating me like I'm some kind of...

Ella:
Prostitute? [Lauren yanks the envelope out of Ella's hand] You're right. I'm sorry. Having said that, if you help my client, maybe I can relieve you from some of your intern luncheons.

Lauren:
You're not seriously still trying to get me to change Jessie's hospital records?

Ella:
Wow, Lauren. I'm confused. You refuse to screw the system just a little bit, but you have no problem at all screwing...

Lauren:
Hey. Seriously, stop.

Lauren:
So I hope you're not sharing your ridiculous theories about me with the whole world.

Ella:
No, I didn't say a word about my ridiculous theories, and I won't bring them up again... to anyone, including you. But if you're ready to talk about it, I'm here, and if you're never ready to talk about it, I will still be here.

Lauren:
Yeah, Ella... [pause] There's nothing to talk about.

Ella:
Understood. Now, can we go watch some movies? How about a Julia Roberts marathon?

Lauren:
Okay, you make one more Pretty Woman joke, I will kill you.

Ella:
Hey, I was going to say Steel Magnolias. Closest I come to that crying thing you people sometimes do.

Caleb:
What I need for you to do is take over the lunch meeting I was supposed to have with Franz Keppler. You do know who Franz Keppler is, right?

Ella:
Yeah, the German wunderkind who makes indecipherable indie movies that I would rather pluck my eyes out than sit through.

Caleb:
I wouldn't open with that. You know, Franz is white-hot right now that he's about to start rolling on the Bruckheimer blockbuster. So, I need you to convince him that he needs WPK.

Ella:
Right. Um, okay, a couple of problems. I know nothing about his movies, I speak zero German and lederhosen is not my style.

Ella:
[as Jonah arrives at WPK] Auf Wiedersehen, Mr. Miller.

Jonah:
That kind of means "goodbye".

Dr. Mancini:
You expect me to find a lawyer for you? The person who's blackmailing me? Go to hell.

Violet:
Actually, it's your marriage that goes to hell once I send your wife our little video.

Dr. Mancini:
People like you, they don't get away with this kind of behavior. It comes back to haunt you.

Violet:
You would know. My court date's December 11th. Your choice, Doctor. Either get me a lawyer, or I get you divorced.

Dr. Mancini:
[to Violet, after she deletes the video of the two of them having sex from her cell phone] And now we're done. Your days of milking me for money are over. Now, if even one single frame of that video shows up anywhere, I call Judge Davis and he throws your devious little ass in jail. Who says doctors don't make house calls anymore?

Ella:
Always knew you were destined to win an Oscar someday, but I never thought it would be for acting. Bravo.

Jonah:
Well, I had to come up with a way to stop Franz from slipping you the Wiener schnitzel before salad was served.

Ella:
I was talking about pretending to be a publicist.

Jonah:
Oh.

Ella:
Jonah, hi, it's me, Ella. You actually think some horny director would ever faze me? I deal with guys like that all the time in my sleep. I think that you put your arm around me and pretended to be my beau because secretly it's what you wanted since the day that we met.

Jonah:
You really are drunk. Aren't you?

Ella:
You know... funny thing is, is that you and I as a couple-completely natural. I mean, Franz totally bought it.

Jonah:
Yeah, after drinking an entire vat of wine, I think he'd buy anything we sold him.

Caleb:
Oh, Anton was right. The schoolteacher's absolutely gorgeous. All right, look, whatever issues you have, just leave them at the door tonight. This launch party better go smoothly.

Ella:
There is no place that I would rather be. Except for maybe Fallujah, getting my fingernails ripped out.

Caleb:
Ella, I'm serious. Being Riley's handler means she's within ten feet of you at all times. With Anton in Milan, it's our job to make sure Riley's story gets out there.

Ella:
Caleb, Riley is an adult. Expertly potty-trained. Trust me, all I need to do is go and drink the free champagne.

Caleb:
You're doing this. Direct orders from New York.

Ella:
Oh, well, you can tell New York that when we're looking for their opinion, we'll ask.

Amanda:
[shows up unexpectedly at the door] Why don't you tell New York yourself?

Caleb:
Amanda, um, I thought you weren't, uh, visiting for another two weeks.

Amanda:
You know how I love surprises. This LA branch is drowning in red like a steer in a slaughterhouse. Now, when I hired you to give this place a makeover, I didn't mean smear it with lipstick and turn it into a five-dollar hooker. This office is pathetic.

Caleb:
Uh, Amanda, you hired me to revamp this company from the ground up. I'm still establishing new client relationships. Anton V, for example. This could be a hugely successful campaign.

Amanda:
Anton V? More like Anton Y. As in, why are we spending so many man hours on a denim line? And I think we both know what I mean by man hours. You could have been a leader, Caleb, but your focus shifted from your client's assets to your client's ass. You're fired. Get out. Take your bat and balls with you.

Riley:
What do you think you're doing?

Ella:
Bringing you your wardrobe. And hi.

Riley:
I just read the bio you sent me. Every word is a lie.

Jonah:
Wait. What are you talking about? What's going on?

Riley:
"Raised by a single mother in a low-income household, Riley Richmond fought gang violence on the rough streets of Boston's Roxbury neighborhood. Her dreams to teach brought her to LA, where Anton V discovered her on a playground and changed her life forever."

Jonah:
Ella... Riley's from Beacon Hill. Her dad's an attorney who argues in front of the Supreme Court, and her mom's an editor for The Boston Globe.

Ella:
Exactly. The masses don't relate to private schools and brownstones.

Caleb:
[referring to Amanda] That woman will get inside your head and make you do things that you never dreamed that you would do.

Ella:
That woman is the reason why I don't take vacation days. Okay? She's the reason why I can count all my closest friends on one hand and the reason why I spend all my money on shoes. This is where it all pays off, Caleb.

Caleb:
It's your ass, Ella.

Ella:
Riley's punishment was not getting her ten grand. Why torture her? What does she matter to WPK?

Amanda:
She doesn't matter to WPK, at all. But she matters to you. So if you plan on staying around for more than a week, you need to show me that you are capable of putting your work above everything else, including your friendships. Call the school. Tell them what she did.

Ella:
Ms. Woodward... if that's what it takes to be you, then... I'm sorry. I guess I'm not interested.

Ella:
What's up with the harvest fest in my living room?

David:
Did Lauren say anything?

Ella:
Just how super sweet and romantic you were. And some other stuff that I couldn't hear over the sound of my own gagging. David! When did you get cute?

David:
Just a little dinner. It's not a big deal.

Ella:
Uh-huh. Okay, fine. Play it cool, but I know that you're a cheese ball at heart.

Ella:
I just clicked on this link David sent me, and now I have these pop-ups of naked women all over my desktop.

Jonah:
Oh, that sounds like a random malware installer. That's easy to get rid of.

Ella:
I'm kidding. I never click on David's links. And since when are naked women a bad thing?

Jonah:
Um, I'll let you know as soon as I read a company handbook.

Ella:
Yeah, I'm not sure if we have one of those, although I would not be surprised if Amanda put one out written in blood.

Jonah:
Wait, I thought you worshipped her.

Ella:
I do, but apparently, the feeling is not mutual. Look, I am on such thin ice right now that I should be wearing a wetsuit under my dress.

Amanda:
[referring to Sydney's death] You must've been devastated when you found out.

Dr. Mancini:
Oh, yeah. That was a total shock.

Amanda:
Really? I mean, when she told me that you two had reignited that old flame, I thought she'd really gone off the deep end. I didn't think that she would actually end up floating facedown in it.

Dr. Mancini:
I didn't realize you two talked. Let me guess. You ran into each other at a support group for women who fake their own deaths?

Amanda:
Oh, don't worry. I didn't come here to point fingers. I'm looking for something I loaned Sydney before she died. It's not worth much, just a lot of sentimental value.

Dr. Mancini:
Oh, what could possibly have sentimental value to Amanda Woodward? Some kind of medieval torture device?

Ella:
Look, Jonah, I'm not like you. Okay, I'm not some jack-of-all-trades. I know how to do one thing and one thing only, and that's spin stories. I've been doing it since I was in pigtails.

Jonah:
Why does that not surprise me? You probably got so many freebies from the ice cream man.

Amanda:
Don't you just love living here?

David:
Who are you?

Amanda:
I'm an old friend of your father and Syd's. Actually, we all used to live here.

David:
Good times. Hey, was there something in the chlorine back then that made you guys all so twisted?

Amanda:
Actually, I'm not sure it dissipated. Stealing art? Isn't that kind of a twisted way to make a living?

David:
I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Amanda:
Well, before Syd died, we reconnected, and she opened up to me. About a lot. David, I-I gave her something of mine, a keepsake. It hasn't shown up in her belongings.

David:
I'm not a lost-and-found.

Amanda:
Well, if you don't have what I'm looking for, maybe you could help me find it.

David:
Look, I'm all for helping out strangers in need, but after you walk in here accusing me of being some criminal, I think I'll pass.

Amanda:
All right. Just know that as an upstanding citizen, I may have to do whatever it takes to protect the community from thieves like you.

Ella:
[shows up when David and Lauren are kissing] Oh, geez. Please don't tell me you called me out here to be the "P" in PDA.

David:
I texted you because I have an announcement to make.

Jonah:
Hey, what's going on, David?

David:
Last night, the police arrested my father. He was the one who murdered Sydney. We all know that Auggie was innocent, and now with the right man in custody, it's only a matter of time before he's exonerated.

Ella:
I hope there's a greeting card for "sorry we all thought you stabbed the landlord to death."

Lauren:
Talk to me, Ella. Yawning, the pacing around the apartment in the middle of the night. Let me guess. Still nothing but radio static from Jonah?

Ella:
Deafening radio static. I mean, I did sell him down the river on that director credit, but... How am I supposed to apologize to him when he won't answer my phone calls? He's not even reading my BBMs.

Lauren:
What's going on with you, El? The amount of people you've had mad at you, I have yet to see you get this bent out of shape over it.

Ella:
I don't know. I mean, maybe it's because Jonah is one of the only guys I've ever known who I can truly be myself with. He gets me.

Lauren:
And he's engaged, Ella.

Ella:
Me... and Jonah an item? Lor. You and your scandalous imagination are spiraling out of control. It's kind of cute though.

[In a flashback of Amanda's]

Amanda:
You betrayed me.

Sydney:
Who betrayed whom? Aren't you the one who slept with my boyfriend?

Amanda:
Boyfriend? Oh, Michael is happily married, Sydney. You and I were just strolls down memory lane for him. Don't use him as an excuse to steal from me.

Sydney:
I thought we were friends, Amanda.

Amanda:
Friends. We were business partners. I found the paintings, you turned them into cash. It was all working so well until you got greedy, stabbed me in the back.

Sydney:
Don't you ever get tired of falsely accusing people? Even the Lord rested on the seventh day.

Ella:
[throws a white scarf at Jonah, who's sitting at his computer] Ungaro is the closest thing I have to a white flag. [he drops the scarf on the floor] So how long do you plan on hating me? Because these heels make walking on eggshells very tough.

Jonah:
Oh, I'm sorry. Did, um, selling me out inconvenience you?

Ella:
Okay, look, Jonah, I get it, all right? I mean, you have a million reasons why you should hate my guts, but... Not having you in my life, it really sucks, Jonah.

Jonah:
Oh. I'm so sorry.

Ella:
Hey! I walk around all day acting like some unflappable tough-as-nails bitch who doesn't give a damn what anybody thinks about me, but when I'm with you, I just... I don't know. You make me feel like I'm better than that.

Jonah:
Oh, I'm so happy I could help boost your self-esteem.

[In a flashback of Vanessa's]

Vanessa:
You bitch.

Sydney:
Ah, sweetheart. I did you a favor. Don't you wanna know your husband is a lying, cheating pig?

Vanessa:
He lied and cheated because of you.

Sydney:
Maybe if you had kept him satisfied, he wouldn't have turned to old flames to fill the void.

Vanessa:
[noticing David passed out in Sydney's bed] Oh, my God. David? You really are a whore.

Sydney:
Takes one to know one.

Ella:
Wait. Wait! I don't wanna be just a one-night stand.

Jonah:
You're not.

Ella:
No, Jonah, Jonah, I'm serious. Are you sure you wanna do this?

Jonah:
Yes, I'm sure.

Amanda:
We need to talk about my party. That is, if you can find the energy fresh off a one-night stand.

Ella:
Oh... it wasn't a one-night stand.

Amanda:
Well, you keep telling yourself that.

Ella:
[sees a tequila bottle on Auggie's table] Auggie, sweetheart. Please tell me you did not hit this.

Auggie:
I was trying out a new recipe. Rock shrimp with a tequila lime sauce.

Ella:
Oh. Really? Does that dish come with a side of total BS?

Ella:
[to Auggie] I think I spotted a guillotine in Amanda's penthouse. Watching heads roll is probably up there with snuffing out careers and tasering her enemies' nether regions.

Ben:
[walks up behind Ella] I heard she bathes in the blood of virgins and can kill a man with her pinky finger.

Ella:
[after Amanda sees Ella with Ben, trying on the necklace] I promise you that you can trust me.

Amanda:
Ella, in what universe would you think for one moment that I was threatened by you?

Ella:
I wasn't implying...

Amanda:
You were, and it's presumptuous. I mean, you're a a junior publicist with a barely there career. A nobody in this town.

Ella:
I know. I... I'm sorry.

Amanda:
You may fancy yourself my protégé, but let's be honest, you don't measure up. I mean, you have enough flash to catch the eye of Ben or any other man for that matter. But they don't stay long, do they?

Ella:
I... I wasn't trying to...

Amanda:
Oh, come on. No one wears a dress that short without an endgame.

Jonah:
The last 24 hours have just been pretty overwhelming. I just need some time to think.

Ella:
Oh, yeah... Okay, you go think, Socrates.

Jonah:
[referring to the blaring guitar sound coming from Drew's apartment] Oh, so not the cure to my hangover.

David:
That is the new guy that moved into Auggie's place.

Ella:
We traded zen chef for a poor man's Van Halen.

Jonah:
Tell him to stop.

[Lauren appears trotting toward Drew's apartment]

Ella:
Yeah, you go get him, Lor. You do not bother that girl when she's trying to sleep in.

Lauren:
Hello! Hi! [unplugs Drew's guitar from the amplifier and takes off his headphones] Excuse me! Hi!

Drew:
Oh. Oh. Hey. Want to make a request?

Lauren:
Yeah, shut up! Half of West Hollywood's trying to sleep.

Drew:
Oh, crap, I'm sorry. I didn't know my speaker was on. I hate when that happens. Plus, had I known everybody was listening, I for sure would have played Clapton.

Lauren:
Okay, I don't know who you are, or which tour bus you fell off, but I get to sleep in one day a year. And today was that day.

Dr. Mancini:
Everything okay with you?

Amanda:
Um, it's my heart.

Dr. Mancini:
You actually have one?

Jonah:
[while discussing his film with Owen Anderson] Riley just has this teeny bad habit of changing her mind.

Riley:
Oh, yeah, see, he's referring to our engagement. I didn't answer his proposal immediately, then all hell broke loose, and we broke up.

Owen:
Brok... Dude, splitsville? No way. Where's that story?

Ella:
Hey, look, they may have broken up, but that does not mean that they didn't share a storybook love story.

Riley:
Storybook? You slept with him.

Owen:
Whoa, what? Dude, Jacob and Rachel's destinies are cosmically intertwined, and you cheated on her?

Jonah:
No, no, see, I didn't cheat on her because Riley and I had already ended things, so technically it was over.

Riley:
[turns to Ella] And who was there waiting? The vulture in Versace.

Ella:
Oh, well, there's that sense of humor we were just talking about.

Ella:
Look, Jonah, I should not have asked you to drag Riley into a dog and pony show. Okay, this whole thing was a mistake.

Jonah:
No, we both had to vent. We just chose the worst possible venue ever.

Ella:
No, I'm talking about us. We... are a mistake. You and Riley are cut from the same snuggly, fuzzy cloth, and I'm... well, let's face it, I'm industrial-strength sandpaper.

Jonah:
Ella...

Ella:
No, you guys have five years of fairy tale. And what do I have, five years of one-night engagements?

Jonah:
Yeah...

Ella:
I can kick open doors for your career all day long, but when it comes to actually opening myself up and letting somebody in, it's... it's an entirely different story. And yes, I am selfish... but it's just because I don't want to get hurt.

Jonah:
Ella...

Ella:
No, Jonah, I'm serious. Why do you think that I spend every last ounce of energy that I have on my career? Or why I'd rather be at a business meeting than a candlelit dinner? I'm not as tough as you think, okay? I can't handle having my heart broken.

Dr. Mancini:
David needs to know what it feels like to have all the happiness in his life ripped away. I want you to break his heart. Whatever you have with him, end it.

Lauren:
You can't be serious.

Dr. Mancini:
You break it off with him, or I tell the entire medical community that I got a house call from Dr. Lauren Yung.

Jonah:
You don't want a dog?

Ella:
Oh, no, no, no. You see, dogs and I don't really match up.

Jonah:
What do you mean?

Ella:
All the hair everywhere, the throw up, the humping of the leg. It's like living with a frat boy on all fours.

Drew:
Unless I'm wrong, you had a pretty well-defined thing going with Riley. Living together, totally committed and totally comfortable.

Jonah:
And?

Drew:
And look where that got you. See, with a girl like Ella, you have to let go of all preconceptions. If you stop trying to make her into someone she's not, you may end up liking the person she already is.

[Riley shows Ben the photos of the two of them kissing]

Ben:
So?

Riley:
"So"?

Ben:
So? They're photos of two people kissing. Two single, unattached people.

Riley:
Ben, you know what this means.

Ben:
Yeah. Means I should learn to keep my drapes shut. And that this shirt makes me look paunchy.

Ella:
Look, Jonah, I'm sorry, okay? I tried. But if it means giving up who I am, then I guess I'm not couple material. No his and hers towels. No one drink, two straws. No.

Jonah:
Guess a, uh, tandem bicycle's totally out of the question?

Drew:
[at Coal] Three margaritas, please. Is that cool?

Lauren:
Yeah. But then what are you guys going to drink?

Drew:
Finally, she's loosening up.

Riley:
Very funny.

Jonah:
Ella. Come here. I have yet to master the art of solo drinking. Help me sample some of these delicious cocktails.

Ella:
Oh, it is like you looked inside my brain and saw a flashing martini glass. [belting down her cocktail]

Jonah:
Oh, gosh. Either you're trying to set a speed drinking record, or you had one bad day at the office.

Ella:
Mmm. I was going to text you on my way home, but I gave up texting and driving.

Ella:
[to Drew, taking a doll from the bunch of toys he had bought earlier with Riley] How painfully cute! Who'd you knock up?

Ella:
[to Jonah, when Jo walks into the party] Oh, God. Jo Reynolds is here? Did somebody complain this party wasn't bossy and overbearing enough?

Lauren:
I had sex for money. I was a prostitute.

Ella:
[the morning after the party] You smell like one part chlorine, two parts tequila.

Jonah:
Oh, God. I really tackled Drew into the pool, didn't I?

Ella:
Yes. You did.

Jonah:
Oh, well, that's bad.

Ella:
Normally I find a brawl between two red-blooded boys kinda hot, but when it's over your ex-fiancée, not so much.

Ella:
What is this? You're playing hostess?

Lauren:
David's short-staffed. I'm helping him out.

Ella:
Lor, no one volunteers to deal with a hungry public without an ulterior motive. If you're trying to win him back, just make sure your next paying job requires an I-9.

Lauren:
Not funny, El.

David:
If you're here to help, there's some aprons in the back, you can bus some tables.

Ella:
I don't know what that means. Anyway, I'm here to engage you in a teeny-weeny, almost nonexistent favor.

David:
I'm a little busy here, El.

Ella:
Well, not now, obviously. After work. Okay, look, I need to break into WPK to take my name off the fabricated accounting reports, and I don't exactly know how to work my way around a lock-pick.

David:
And I do?

Ella:
Oh, well, you didn't have a problem MacGyvering your way around your dad's highly-secured mansion.

Gabe:
Wow, I never thought I'd see Starkiller's Truce with Ella Simms.

Ella:
And I never thought they could stretch out the search for a missing galaxy into two and a half hours.

Jonah:
2,000 big ones. That's awfully generous of you.

Ella:
Oh, well, you know how passionate I am about the environment.

Jonah:
This is a fundraiser for a school program.

Ella:
Whatever.

David:
[after breaking into Gabe's office at WPF] The only thing we need now is the code. [Ella shows him the key code she took from Gabe] I'm not even gonna ask how you got this.

Ella:
Let's just say my stock soared in the geek community today, no thanks to Jonah, who wanted nothing to do with this.

David:
Like you didn't know what you were getting into when you set your sights on a guy with Jonah's moral center.

Ella:
It might have occurred to me. Only to be complicated by the fact that I find his moral center one of his most adorable attributes.

David:
Ella Simms... you realize that you just said "adorable", right?

Ella:
I don't know what's wrong with me. Today at the fundraiser, I actually felt this twinge of jealousy.

David:
Who would have thought that Jonah Miller would be the one to pierce the infamous Ella Simms' Kevlar?

Sydney:
[appears as a ghostly hallucination to Amanda] Tell me something. When you tracked Auggie down, how did you get him to tell you where he left the painting? Did you pay him or did you sleep with him?

Amanda:
Sydney?

Sydney:
Who else is gonna tell you all those things you don't wanna hear?

Amanda:
You're not real. Go away.

Sydney:
You can't get rid of me that easily.

Amanda:
Just watch me.

Sydney:
Careful. You're gonna wanna be razor-sharp when you break into Dr. Six-Pack's apartment and search his closet.

Amanda:
Don't you worry, Sydney. I'm not a perpetual screw-up like you. I get what I want.

Sydney:
I wouldn't be so cocky. [Amanda turns around and the hallucination is gone]

Ella:
Welcome back, Amanda. We were all wondering where you disappeared to.

Amanda:
Is that why you broke into these offices in the middle of the night?

Ella:
Wow. I am flattered that you of all people think I'm that devious. But really, me? A cat burglar? Please.

Amanda:
I found a couture button by my computer beside a strand of blond hair. I could tell by the split end it wasn't mine. What do you think you are, some kind of Prada ninja?

Ella:
Do you really just expect me to sit back and let my boss frame me for a crime that I didn't commit? I mean, seriously. All I've ever been is fiercely loyal. All I've ever done is worked my ass off to make you happy. I mean, why am I your crash test dummy?

Amanda:
Because you have a proven track record of veering across moral lines. The perfect profile for a serial embezzler.

Ella:
My God. How did I ever look up to such a desperate, washed-up bitch?

Amanda:
[slaps Ella] Get out of my building. You're fired.

Ella:
[catches Amanda sneaking around in Auggie's former apartment] Now who's the Prada ninja?

Amanda:
Do I look like a cat burglar?

Ella:
Well, you certainly don't look like the cable guy.

Amanda:
Not that I have to explain myself, but Jane gave me the master key to check on all the pilot lights.

Ella:
Huh. I see. So you have no interest in the little wall decoration that used to be in here?

Amanda:
What kind of wall decoration are you talking about?

Ella:
Oh, I don't know, just some old painting of a Dutch guy in a goofy hat. It's probably not worth that much. I was thinking I was gonna sell it on Craigslist.

Ella:
[after Jonah told Ella he kissed Riley after the NYU mixer] Jonah, I told you upfront that I wasn't gonna be your rebound.

Jonah:
You weren't. You're not. Ella, I really care about you a lot.

Ella:
Okay, no, Jonah, just-just stop, okay? You come off as this-this sweet, sensitive, honest guy, the type of guy that would never break a girl's heart in a million years.

Jonah:
Ella, look, I never, ever meant to hurt you. I swear.

Ella:
Oh, you know what? Thank you. Seriously. Because of you, I've realized that maybe monogamy isn't the end of life as we know it. Maybe I... maybe I can be in a real relationship. Just not with you.

Amanda:
[to Ella, while getting arrested by FBI agents] You say you modeled your career after me, studied my every move. Then you know this war is just the beginning.