Men Behaving Badly, Series 5

Dorothy:
Well, first there was Clive, the one they call Dances With Trousers Down. Then Dermot.

Gary:
Did I tell you he's got a job at Euro Disney testing the rides?

Dorothy:
You see? And now Tony.

Gary breaks the news that Dorothy is moving in

Tony:
But she'll want me to move out. I got nowhere to go. I like it here, mate. You can't release me into the community!

Tony:
Dorothy.

Dorothy:
Tony.

Tony:
The pub.

Gary:
The Crown?

Ken:
I'm Ken. The new, um.

Gary:
Landlord?

Ken:
Landlord.

Gary:
What's happened to Les?

Ken:
The brewery sacked him.

Tony:
Why? He was a brilliant landlord.

Ken:
He kept forgetting to open up at lunchtimes.

Gary:
What exactly do lesbians do?

Tony:
I dunno, I suppose they just, sort of... rub each other.

Gary:
Yeaah, doesn't seem enough, somehow, does it?

Tony:
And one lies on top of the other one, and...

Gary/Tony:
...get off again.

Gary:
Brilliant.

Tony:
Fantastic.

[Deborah leaves Judy at the bar with Tony]

Tony:
So how are you two lesbians? Ladians, er... ladies.

Judy:
Sorry?

Tony:
Are you sleeping with Deborah? Erm... are you sleeping in the same flat as Deborah, at the same time on whatever basis?

Judy:
Yes, just for a few days.

Tony:
What... kind of things do you get up to?

Judy:
Y'know, just running around together.

Tony:
Naked?

Judy:
"Naked"?

Tony:
Oh, I'm sorry, I've got this disease that makes me say the wrong word.

Judy:
What's it called?

Tony:
I don't know. I live underneath Deborah.

Judy:
Oh, lucky you, must be nice and warm.

[Tony looks shocked]

Tony:
Do you eat food?

Judy:
Why?

Tony:
I was wondering if you'd like to go for a meal with me sometime.

Judy:
I don't think so.

Tony:
Any particular reason why?

Judy:
Just a question of taste I suppose.

Tony:
Okay, your lifestyle choice.

[Deborah returns from toilet]

Tony:
That'll be one pound sexy, er, sixty.

Tony:
I just wanted to tell you how much I love you.

Deborah:
Tony, you don't love me. You just want to have sex with me.

Tony:
...Well, we could start from there. And from that acorn our love could grow into a big...thicket.

[Gary, Dorothy, Deborah and Tony are in a car, lost whilst looking for a rave]

Dorothy:
I've had enough. I'm turning back.

Gary:
[drunkenly] Had enough? Turning back? Are you mad? Are you... madder than Brian Mad of Madcastle? Are you!?

Deborah:
Come on, it's two o'clock in the morning.

Gary:
No! Absolutely no; we're having a brilliant time! It's two o'clock, and we haven't even got there yet, now that's very fashionable - I read it in a magazine, of, er... well some sort [pauses] or other.

[Gary & Tony are drunk and playing Monopoly; Tony is rolling the die]

Tony:
Eight, eight... yeah! Three. Ooh, chance. Nervous, really nervous. Haa, yeah! Get outta jail free card! Is that just for Monopoly, or does it work in real life too?

Gary:
I think it's just fornopoly

[they sit back and Tony uncovers his belly]

Tony:
You see, the thing about the human body is, as we know, is that it is a temple.

Gary:
Yep

Tony:
It's just that my temple seems to have grown into a slightly larger temple.

Gary:
With a big wobbly dome

[Gary jiggles Tony's belly]

Tony:
Anyway, there's a load of nonsense talked about fat, i'n't there? I mean, no-one ever went up to Winston Churchill, and said, "Hey, Winnie, you can't lead Britain in to victory in the Second World War, because you're a bit of a chubber".

Gary:
Or, "Excuse me, Mister Meat Loaf, you seem to be carrying an extra few pounds around, you can make no more hit records until you can squeez into some smaller denims". Do you want another oyster?

Tony:
No, thanks, mate. They disagree with me.

Gary:
[as oyster] "No we don't!"

[both laugh drunkenly]