Misfits, Series 1

Tony:
This is it. It's your chance to do something positive. Give something back. You can help people, you can really make a difference to people's lives. That's what community service is all about. There are people out there who think you're scum. You have an opportunity to show them they're wrong.

Nathan:
Yeah, but what if they're right? [looks at Gary] No offence. [pointing at Gary] But I'm thinking some people are just born criminals.

Gary:
You're looking to get stabbed?

Nathan:
You see my point there?

Alisha:
What? I thought you had finished!

Tony:
You see my lips still moving, this means I'm still talking!

Nathan:
Yeah, but you could have been yawning or... chewing.

Kelly:
Ehm, what makes you think you’re better than us?

Nathan:
What is that accent?!

Curtis:
Is that for real?

Kelly:
What are you trying to say something, yeah?

Nathan:
It’s a- are you- that’s just a noise! Are we supposed to be able to understand her?!

Kelly:
[flicks him off] Do you understand that?

Nathan:
What about you, weird kid? Don't take this in the wrong way or anything, but you look like a pantie-sniffer.

Simon:
I'm not a pantie-sniffer. I'm not a pervert. [Nathan mimes masturbating and makes strange noises, teasing him] I tried to burn someone's house down!

Nathan:
Verrr!

Kelly:
A girl called me a slag so I just got into a fight.

Nathan:
Was this on The Jeremy Kyle Show?

Kelly:
No, it was at Argos.

Kelly:
What did you do?

Nathan:
Me? I was done for eating some pick 'n' mix.

Kelly:
Bollocks.

Tony:
It's my car!

Nathan:
Ha, classic!

Nathan:
I'll tell you who did it, it's that Banksy prick. There is a hidden meaning. It's like that monkey police man with a banana and a Tesco's bag.

Kelly:
You know, after the storm, did any of you's start feeling dead weird?

Nathan:
Yeah, I had a strange tingling sensation in my anus.

Nathan:
A group of young people doing mindless shit all day. Face it man it's bound to happen. It always does. It's biology. Or physics. One of those. Do we have a deal? [spits on his hand]

Curtis:
No.

Curtis:
They said 'cause of my profile, they needed to send a message.

Nathan:
You let yourself down. You let the kids down. You let your parents down.

Alisha:
Me and my mate Chloe are having cocktails in this bar, yeah? And she's hassling me 'cause she wants to go to this party. Chloe's on one, because she thinks Jack is doing Lucy. Total slut fuck. So, we get in my car. I drive us to the party. We go into one of the rooms, yeah. Jack’s not doing Lucy; he’s doing Ellie. She is a proper slut. Chloe freaks. I’m driving us back into town. Chloe's all like, "Ugh. I feel sick." I'm like, "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Don't puke in my car. Do not. Puke. In my car." That’s when the police pull us over. I’m already banned from driving, so I am like, "Fuuuck." This cop, yeah, he hands me the breathalyser, and I’m like, "Do I suck, or blow?" [starts to suck the bottle] It’s insane, I’m totally working it, yeah? [continues sucking the bottle] Now I don't know if this cop is gay or what but he tells me I'm five times over the limit. Fucking bullshit. I didn't even want to go to the party.

Nathan:
OK. If you can hear our thoughts, what am I thinking? [thinks “This is bullshit”]

Kelly:
Do you think it's bullshit?

Nathan:
Of course I think it's bullshit, you don't need to be a mind reader to know that.

Kelly:
Why are you on a wheelchair?

Nathan:
It was the storm. The strange tingling sensation in my anus is spread to my body, and now... I can't feel my legs.

Kelly:
I'm serious

Nathan:
I'm no doctor, but you see the way the side of his head's all caved in like that...?

Simon:
If there is no body, there is no crime.

Nathan:
I'm pretty sure this breaches the terms of my ASBO.

Nathan:
There is no going back now, man. You were just as screwed as the rest of us. You are black AND famous. You are probably more screwed!

Nathan:
Didn't you say you wanted to piss on her tits? Probably best to keep that kind of thing between you and your internet service provider.

Nathan:
What if I can't feel pain? [Kelly hits him] Ow!

Nathan:
A few days ago... I go into the toilets, Tony and Gary were in there. They are butt naked, Tony has Gary by his hair, like this, and he's just doing him, doggy style. And Tony is like, "Who's your daddy? I'm your daddy, I'm Big Daddy. Oh! Oh yeah, you like that? Oh, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, I'm Daddy Cool!" So I'm guessing they've ran away to continue their illicit homosexual affair. I ask you, in this world of intolerance and prejudice, who are we to condemn them?

Simon:
Maybe you can fly.

Alisha:
He's not gonna be able to fly.

Nathan:
Yeah, there's always someone that can fly. Check it out.

Kelly:
Don't.

Nathan:
Ow! No, that's not it.

Curtis:
So what happens now? Is this it? Are we gonna be like this forever?

Simon:
What if we are meant to be, like, superheroes?

Nathan:
You lot, superheroes? No offence, but in what kind of fucked-up world would that be allowed to happen?

Alisha:
I did not sign up for that.

Nathan:
Superheroes! I love this guy - you prick!

Kelly:
What if there’s load of people like us all over town?

Nathan:
No, that kind of thing only happens in America. This will fade away. I’m telling you, by this time next week, it’ll be back to the same old boring shit.

Nathan:
You can think what you like, but I have a superpower and I just need to find out what it is.

Alisha:
Maybe you're just super-retarded.

Nathan:
Maybe I've got a whole Spider-Man vibe going on. You know, maybe I can climb stuff and do spider shit.

Curtis:
Yeah, because that makes perfect sense. Why would you be able to climb stuff?

Nathan:
I don't know. How is it that you can turn back time, apparently, and weird kid can turn invisible? It's not like this whole situation is backed up by a wank-load of logic.

Alisha:
He is obviously some kind of pervert, or he's gay.

Curtis:
That follows.

Alisha:
Well, he was cruising for rough trade. They love that shit.

Curtis:
Oh, a little light homophobia. Go for it.

Simon:
Maybe he's a werewolf.

Nathan:
Twat.

Simon:
It's what happens in the films. You turn into a werewolf, you kill someone and you wake up somewhere, naked –like a zoo.

Kelly:
[goes near Stan, the old man] Is he dead? I think he's dead.

Nathan:
[goes near one of the man's hears] SHE'S STEALING YOUR PENSION!

Stan:
OOH!

Nathan:
Nah, he's fine.

Stan:
[thinking] My mouth's as dry as a badgers chaff!

Kelly:
Do you want a cup of tea? [hands him one]

Stan:
[thinking] Well, bugger me!

Nathan:
[runs with a old woman in a wheelchair] OK, Joan. Let’s pick up some speed. Let’s get that wind flowing through your hair. Let’s get that wind flowing through your scalp, come on. [sees a young lady and leaves Joan go alone]

Kelly:
Is this a wind up? Is this you?

Nathan:
If I was trying to wind you up, I think I’d be a little more creative. “I know what film you saw last summer.”

Nathan:
Listen, I’m telling you, Mom. He was out there running around naked like a wolf boy.

Louise:
What's a wolf boy?

Nathan:
It’s a boy, raised by wolves. You know, little hairy kid in Siberia. We watched it on the Discovery Channel.

Nathan:
If they actually knew anything, they wouldn’t be dicking around sticking notes on lockers. They would’ve gone to the police. And we’d all be banged up in prison, getting gang-raped in the showers. But this, this means that they have no evidence. No proof. Nothing.

Nathan:
[shows to Jeremy the photo he took of him naked in a car park] George Michael gets away with this shit, but he used to be in Wham. Who are you?

Nathan:
So just... take your crappy shit, and go. [breaks a radio]

Jeremy:
That's your mum's.

Nathan:
Well, I'll buy her a new one 'cause that's what sons do for their mums.

Ruth:
The worst thing about being lonely is knowing somebody knows you are lonely.

Nathan:
I shagged someone's gran!

Ruth:
I haven't got any grandchildren.

Nathan:
Well, that's ok than, because that could have been really awkward.

Nathan:
I'm not being funny, but a woman of your age.. if you don't settle out with someone before your look go, you've got no chance.

Louise:
Thanks.

Nathan:
I can't look after you when you're eighty. You'll be phoning me every time you wanna change the TV channel? No, too painful. I've got my flat. It's better for all of us.

Nathan:
[to Jeremy] If you ever hurt her, I'll take you up at the vet and have you put down.

Louise:
Every man I meet. There's always a reason you take against them. It's like when you said Richard was sexually abusing you.

Nathan:
It's nothing like that. This is true.

Nathan:
So are you like a member of staff or something?

Young Ruth:
I'm a volunteer.

Nathan:
Volunteer?! I love to volunteer.

Young Ruth:
Is that why they gave you community service?

Nathan:
Could be, could be. I'd probably just be here anyway you know, helping out.

Young Ruth:
So what did you do?

Nathan:
I sexually assaulted a 90-year-old woman.

Young Ruth:
That's funny.

Nathan:
She didn't seem to think so at the time. God rest her soul.

Nathan:
He's not a werewolf. This guy is such a pussy, he has to get my mum to open jars for him. I'm pretty sure a werewolf could open a jar of peanut butter for himself.

Alisha:
You should come out with us some time.

Curtis:
I would you know but, my mum told me to stay away from girls like you.

Alisha:
Your mum has never met a girl like me.

Nathan:
Your boyfriend is some kind of psycho, rough trade, gay, rapist, werewolf!

Ben:
OK, so, if you've got any questions, just ask.

Nathan:
If a bear and a shark had a fight, who would win?

Ben:
If you've got any relevant questions, just ask. Oh, and if it's on dry land, I'd bet on the bear.

Nathan:
Ski wear. Classic. Try walking ten miles to the well in these.

Nathan:
You alright?

Kelly:
What?

Nathan:
You're usually a whole lot gobbier than this.

Kelly:
No, I'm not.

Nathan:
Come on, you haven't punched me in a few hours. I'm worried about you.

Nathan:
[puts on ski goggles] Hey hey, who am I? One luhh ohh yeaahh huh huuuhh ahh... Come on! Okay, alright, alright. I’ll give you a clue. I’m an annoying cunt.

Alisha:
Yeah, we know that.

Nathan:
I'm Bono!

Curtis:
You think because you're beautiful you can treat people anyway you want?

Alisha:
Yeah, that's pretty much how it works. Haven't you figured that out yet?

Curtis:
You're so messed up. And you don't even know it.

Nathan:
Hurray! It's the starlet of justice!

Kelly:
I was only saying that the lad that she used to go out with was a dick. I was only being nice.

Nathan:
Oh, yeah, you were being lovely. Right up until you threw the chair at her.

Simon:
What's he doing? [talking about Nathan]

Curtis:
He's trying to smash the bottle with his mind... I think he's gonna shit himself.

Nathan:
I’ve got a power! I know it! I can feel it in my balls!

Nathan:
Look, we’re a bunch of young offenders and not one of us knows how to steal a car? That is pathetic.

Nathan:
I like your cap. [takes off her cap and her wig comes off too]

Kelly:
No! [runs away]

Nathan:
What...

Simon:
Did you know she was bald?

Nathan:
'Course not, twat. Jesus.

Alisha:
She looked like an alien.

Nathan:
Ah, don't be mean. [laughs] She did, didn't she?

Nathan:
So the probation worker is driving around with the stiffs in the boot of her car. Just thought you'd want to know. Anyway, call me!

Curtis:
You don't need to use your power on me. I'm already there.

Nathan:
[to the guys] Oh, get the bodies! [throws a brick on Sally's windshield]

Sally:
What the hell are you doing?!

Nathan:
It's just pure, mindless vandalism!

Sally:
What is the matter with you? Are you mentally deficient?!

Nathan:
If I was mentally deficient, I would have missed. Check that out. Bull's-eye!

Simon:
They are gonna think the probation worker is still alive. I stole his credit card. I used it to book a flight.

Curtis:
That is smart!

Kelly:
You're dead good at stuff like that.

Nathan:
Yeah! Nice one, weird kid.

Simon:
We should all go out for drink, you know, to celebrate. It's like an ironic "fuck you" to the probation worker. We're all out having a good time - you're buried under the foundations of an environmental monitoring station.

Simon:
Do you wanna come for a drink?

Nathan:
Are you asking me out in a date?

Simon:
No, I meant all of us.

Nathan:
Did you? I'm not your whore!

Curtis:
Oh hey, Nathan, I need your help!

Nathan:
Do I know you? ...Are you taking a shit?

Curtis:
What?

Nathan:
There is a guy over here taking a shit!

Beverly (the manager):
Excuse me, you can't just help yourself to anything you fancy. This is not a buffet, that's theft. I could have you arrested for that.

Nathan:
Really? For eating some pick 'n' mix?

Beverly:
You're paying for the sweets in your mouth and for that drink.

Nathan:
Beverley. Isn't that a women's name?

Beverly:
Pay up and leave.

Nathan:
Haha, Beverley. That's brilliant. Why did your parents give you a girl's name?

Beverly:
This is your final warning.

Nathan:
Maybe you were born with both sets of genitalia. You know like a chick with a dick.

Beverly:
[talks to a walkie-talkie] Can I have security to the concession stand?

Nathan:
But I’m guessing your parents wanted a boy so they kept your cock and sewed up your clunge.

Beverly:
You’re coming with me.

Nathan:
[talks to his walkie-talkie screaming] I’m being assaulted by a chick with a dick! Help me! They sewed up his clunge! They sewed up his clunge!

Beverly:
I was like you when I was younger. I thought I knew everything. I was a right cocky little arsehole.

Nathan:
And look where it got you! You've got the big office, you've got a staple gun... you're living the dream, man!

Beverly:
You think you're better than all this?

Nathan:
I know, I'm better then this. Because Bev, if I'm not, I'll probably have to kill myself.

Beverly:
You haven't got a clue.

Simon:
I got your text.

Matt:
What text?

Simon:
You sent me a text telling me to meet you here.

Matt:
I was texting my mate. I meant a different Simon.

Mike (Nathan's Dad):
Don't be a wanker.

Nathan:
Thanks for the fatherly advice. It makes me feel all warm inside.

Nathan:
Beverley, I don't want him paying for it.

Mike:
You want him to call the police, do ya?

Nathan:
Yeah, I do actually. Bev, call the police.

Mike:
Yeah, you heard him man? C'mon, call the police.

Nathan:
Call'em. ...Are you still here? [Mike leaves] See ya dad, let's do this again sometime it's been really special.

Manager:
You and your dad seem close. Haha.

Nathan:
Oh shut up Beverley. [uses the staple gun on one of Beverley's hand]

Lee (Kelly's fiancé):
[finds an engagement ring in a car he's stealing] Kel? Do you wanna marry me? ...What?

Kelly:
That is so fucking romantic!

Sally:
Tony. [he starts kicking a pole] Tony! Stop it, stop it. It's a car. It's insured.

Tony:
Your engagement ring was there!

Sally:
You were gonna propose to me?

Tony:
Yeah.

Sally:
Can I still say yes?

Sam:
If they had caught us with the drugs, we would have been screwed.

Curtis:
Shh, it didn't happen. Everything is gonna be alright. We got away with it. We did it.

Curtis:
What happened?

Nathan:
We were doing our, community service... our probation worker flipped out. Just... just went crazy and, and he killed them.

Curtis:
How come you survived?

Nathan:
They said I was half dead when they found me. Guess I'm just lucky.

Nathan:
Melon-fucker!

Sally:
He's got Tony's credit card.

Pete:
I'm sorry, it's not enough.

Sally:
This is your chance to talk about community service.

Alisha:
It's... bullshit.

Sally:
So do you think that you have learned anything?

Curtis:
Yeah. Don't get caught.

Sally:
Fine... how do you think you have changed?

Nathan:
I think I'm taller.

Kelly:
They graffiti and we clean it off. They graffiti and we clean it off. They graffiti and we clean it off. What is that about?

Nathan:
[sings] Raff in the jungle, innit in the jungle! Raff in the jungle, innit in the jungle! Raff...

Sally:
He's such a twat. Sorry, that was really unprofessional.

Simon:
He is a twat.

Simon:
I like making videos, editing them together and that.

Nathan:
We have out-foxed the fox, which makes us very bloody foxy!

Simon:
I think she is lonely.

Shygirl18:
Are you lonely?

Simon:
Yes.

Shygirl18:
Then go for it. Ask her out.

Nathan:
See? Babies. That's why I always use a condom. And if the girl looks dirty, I use two. Belt and braces!

Nathan:
He's... He's been been arrested. For... exposing himself... in public.

Sam:
Exposing himself? What?

Nathan:
Yeah. Flashing.

Simon:
At some Scouts.

Nathan:
Your girlfriend was here. The other one.

Curtis:
I feel so guilty! Time rewinds and it's like I've never said it. I ended it six times. She cries and I'm back where I started. It's doing my head. I just need it to be over!

Nathan:
You need to make her hate ya. Seriously... she's steaming, she's telling you got a tiny dick, you're a crap in bed, you don't feel guilty... maybe time won't rewind.

Sam:
What you just said. It's from Spider-Man. You're dumping me with a line from Spider-Man?

Curtis:
No, no, no. No!

Sam:
You immature pathetic shallow bastard!

Simon:
He stopped speaking to me when we started secondary school.

Sally:
Did he give you an hard time?

Simon:
Every morning when I woke up I felt sick just thinking about him. I told my parents and the teachers. They knew it was happening. No one did anything.

Simon:
There was a cat.

Sally:
A cat?

Simon:
Inside the house. I thought “the cat didn't bully me at school, he hasn't done anything".

Curtis:
You know what you said about “no matter what I do, the ones I love will be the ones who pay”? Is that from Spider-Man?

Nathan:
I don't know. I was just trying to sound intelligent.

Nathan:
Him and his mum can come live with me at the Community Centre! I can get free food from the vending machines and I’ll steel booze from the kitchen. I’ll steal from other babies! I’ll go to the park and forage for nuts and berries!

Finn [the baby]:
[thinking] You prick.

Alisha:
So I guess we're getting serious then.

Kelly:
Is that your tea?

Nathan:
[shows what he got from the vending machine] Starter, main course, dessert. And a nice refreshing beverage to wash it down.

Kelly:
You can't live on that shit. Why don’t you come round my house and I’ll cook you dinner?

Simon:
You shouldn't have taken my phone. Give me the phone.

Simon:
I can't let you go to the police.

Sally:
Simon, you don't owe them anything.

Simon:
They are the only friends I've got.

Ellie:
[giving a speech] I went with so many boys. And girls, boys and girls at the same time. I took part in... disgusting, perverted, unnatural acts. I was drinking and taking drugs. I used bad language all the time. I called my mum... a “fat bitch”. But I'm not like that any more. I'm a good person.

Nathan:
That... that ain't normal.

Nathan:
Try that in your driving test. That's getting you a fail. Or a pass... and probably some kind of internal injury.

Kelly:
[to Simon] What about your friends?

Nathan:
I believe that’s generally referred to as a “paedophile ring”.

Simon:
I’m not a paedophile.

Nathan:
Yeah? You’d screw your own sister for a slice of cheese.

Simon:
I don’t even like cheese.

Nathan:
That makes it even worse, you sick bastard.

Rachel:
Don't you have any shame?

Alisha:
Don't you have any dress sense? Seriously, you look like my mum.

Rachel:
And you look like a slut.

Alisha:
[amused] Are you for real?

Rachel:
You think having sex with boys will make them respect you? If you behave like a slut, they’ll treat you like a slut.

Alisha:
Freak.

Rachel:
[to Nathan who is sitting making a joint] Excuse me, you know using Marijuana can cause epilepsy and mental illness? ...I'm talking to you! What's wrong with you? You don't need to behave like this. You can be so much better.

Nathan:
[he's listening to music, stands up and sees Rachel] Nice cardigan!

Curtis:
She's saying all this weird stuff about sex and that. She says she's saving herself until she's ready to make a proper commitment.

Nathan:
It's a sad day for all of us when a bird like that decides it's time to pull up her knickers.

Curtis:
You realise that's my girlfriend you're talking about?

Nathan:
And I feel your pain.

Simon:
When weird stuff happens, it's always the storm. Haven't you worked that out yet?

Curtis:
He has got a point.

Nathan:
Did you just recently grow a set of balls?

Simon:
I've always had a set of balls. You just never seen them.

Nathan:
That is about the gayest thing I've ever heard.

Nathan:
It's my wank sock.

Kelly:
Aw no! Use a tissue!

Nathan:
Well that requires planning, man. Look, you just knocked one out, right? Poom-byo! You're lying there, you're feeling cheap and deflated. There’s a pool of rapidly cooling spunk on your stomach. You’re looking round for something to mop up with. Oh, hello. What’s this? It’s a sock. Job done. Thank you.

Kelly:
Maybe that's your power!

Nathan:
I am very good at it.

Nathan:
There's never a probation worker around when you need one.

Simon:
Who's Barry?

Nathan:
You are.

Kelly:
His name is Simon.

Nathan:
Is it? I thought it was Barry.

Nathan:
What if that “virtue bitch” shows up? She is vexing them with some kind of Derren Brown voodoo mind shit. We need to gear up.

Nathan:
Oh no…

Kelly:
Why are you in my bedroom?

Nathan:
What did they do to you?

Kelly:
I think I look nice.

Nathan:
Okay, yeah, I suppose you could argue it’s a huge improvement. I get that. It’s not you.

Kelly:
That’s a good thing. I had a terrible attitude. I was so aggressive.

Nathan:
Yes, but in a good way. You’re the only person that gives me a slap. There’s no bullshit with you.

Kelly:
I was a horrible chav. I didn’t like who I was.

Nathan:
I did... I can’t believe I’m going to say this... I liked your attitude. I liked how you look, the way you scraped your hair back so that sometimes you looked a bit oriental. It worked for me. And your jewelry! You know, Argos has a bad press. Who says you can’t buy an engagement ring and a George Foreman grill at the same time? Your makeup! This is probably better actually. Look, what I’m trying to say here is that it should have been a complete car crash, but it wasn’t. It had attitude! Like you, it was you. And now you’re not… you. I have never... should have left you back there. I shouldn't have left you, I'm sorry. [kisses her on the cheek]

Kelly:
That was really inappropriate.

Nathan:
There's only one thing ladies should be inserting in themselves, and that's knowledge. [pretending to be one of the “good guys”]

Nathan:
She's got you thinking this is how you're supposed to be. Well, it's not! We're young. We're supposed to drink too much. We're supposed to have bad attitudes and shag each other's brains out. We are designed to party. This is it. Yeah, so a few of us will overdose or go mental. But Charles Darwin said you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. And that's what it's all about - breaking eggs! And by eggs, I do mean, getting twatted on a cocktail of Class A's. If you could just see yourselves! It breaks my heart. You're wearing cardigans! We had it all. We fucked up bigger and better than any generation that came before us. We were so beautiful! We're screw-ups. I'm a screw-up and I plan to be a screw-up until my late 20s, maybe even my early 30s. And I will shag my own mother before I let her... or anyone else, take that away from me!

Rachel:
Your gun's leaking. ...So you threatened me with a water pistol?

Nathan:
[Simon appears] Save me, Barry! [Nathan falls off the roof] Nooo!

Simon:
Kelly. This is for you. [gives her a CD]

Kelly:
What is it?

Simon:
Watch it.

Nathan:
I've got a power. I bloody knew it! Who's laughing now? ...I'm alive! Help! HELP! You buried me alive you dicks! Help! ...I'm immortal. That's just great. Thank you. Thanks a lot. Un-fucking-believable.