Misfits, Series 5

Jess:
Alex is out of surgery. He's going to be okay.

Rudy One:
Ah! Get in mate! Well done. I tell you now, I never doubted it for a second. The handsome barman lives.

Rudy One:
[Scouts in the community center] Whoa! Scouts, dude! Yes! You're Scouts! These were the happiest, and proudest days of my life. Look at them!

Jess:
You were in the Scouts? That should never have been allowed.

Rudy One:
I swore. I swore a solemn oath to, you know obey the Scout Law, to to do me best, to do my duty to God and her lovely majestic majesty, the Queen. I lived by a code like a Samurai warrior.

Finn:
Yeah, that's you all over.

Rudy One:
And then they cast me out.

Abbey:
And why were you cast out?

Rudy One:
I don't want to talk about it. I will say this. A Scout is meant to walk an impossible line between his love of scouting and his raging hormones in the first flushes of sexual adventure. [a girl in a scout uniform walks by] There are girls! You're a girl? Oh, shit! That is an unnatural abomination. That is not how Baden Powell intended it. Take that uniform off, you look like a dick!

Stuart:
You don't have to be embarrassed. About your, um, your power.

Finn:
What about you? What's your power?

Stuart:
Me? Ah... It's, uh, complicated. I don't really like to talk about it.

Finn:
It's all right. You don't have to if you don't want to.

Stuart:
The thing is other people make certain assumptions about my [clears throat] sexuality, and...

Finn:
What, they think you're gay?

Stuart:
Yeah, yeah, I guess they do.

Finn:
And... Are you gay?

Stuart:
No- [he disappears into thin air and then appears in a closet and walks out] Now you know.

Finn:
Fuck off! You're... You're literally trapped in the closet? [laughs] How funny is that?! [Stuart gives him a look] And also very serious and quietly poignant.

Stuart:
Yeah.

Finn:
Actually, I've got a friend who can take powers.

Stuart:
How does he take powers? How does it work?

Finn:
I'll let him fill you in on the details. Oh, you're gonna love him. His name's Alex. He's on community service.

Greg:
[about old Rudy Two] Who the fuck might this be?! [to Rudy One] What's the matter? Cat got your tongue. [screeches like a cat] Aren't you going to introduce us?

Rudy One:
Shit, I don't know who he is. He's nothing to do with me.

Jess:
He's my granddad.

Greg:
[to Rudy One] Men like this fought in wars. Cheek by jowl. Belly-down, crawling through the mud, the blood and fear and for what? Boys with hair straighteners. Girls in jeggings with their flabby arses hanging out! [to old Rudy Two] It was my very real privilege to have met you, sir. [salutes him and leaves]

Rudy One:
You've cast a spell! I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't shit. Without that [poking Jess' nose] popping into me head.

Jess:
Well, I hate to mess up your well established routine of eating, sleeping, and shitting, so, do you want to meet up later and talk about it?

Rudy One:
Yeah.

Jess:
Okay. Well, it's a date.

Rudy One:
Girl, you're a witch. You're a beautiful freakin' witch. You know that?

Jess:
So, do you want to talk about what's going on with us?

Rudy One:
Yeah, I do. Right, now, when it comes to Finley, there is no us. Honestly, I'll just deny I even know you. "Jess? Who's Jess? Is she that Chinese fellow with a bit of a limp?"

Jess:
So, we can't just be honest about it?

Rudy One:
Of course, we can be honest. We can be honest about it. That's my middle name. Rudy Honest Jeffrey Wade. [they both laugh] You go first.

Jess:
I like you [Rudy pumps his fist], which is really weird because you can be such a total dick.

Rudy One:
Hey, whoa. Well, I refute that. That's... That is refuted.

Jess:
If you want to start seeing me, I'm not going to sneak around. We have to tell Finn.

Rudy One:
Or we could just not tell him. Bingo.

Rudy One:
[knocks her phone out of her hand into the water] Morning! Good morning, Jessica!

Jess:
What the fuck are you doing? That's my phone!

Rudy One:
Yeah, I know. I've only gone and bloody liberated you. Freed you from the tyrannies of freakin' texting. You free now? Just take off your shackles. Get rid of 'em. Throw it in there. [in sing-song] Free Nelson Mandela, Shoes too small to fit these feet. [speaking normally] He should have gone to Clarks. They do have a bit of a wider fit.

Jess:
You're paying for a new phone.

Rudy One:
What do you mean? You don't have insurance? Bloody hell. Well, some people might call that a bit irresponsible. You know what I mean? [Jess gives him a look] Not me, I think it's adorable. I call it adorable.

Jess:
I call it not having a fucking phone. [storms off]

Rudy One:
Adorable! Fuck!!!

Rudy One:
Oh, honestly, bloody hell! What a strange and unpredictable world we all bloody live in!

Alex:
So how does this girl's power work?

Rudy One:
Well, I don't know. Her mate seems to think it's something to do with computers and freakin' insert yourself into people. I don't really understand it, but she has got our little monkey man, and I for one will not let him be experimented on. Unless she's dressing him up, man, like one of them chimps in the PG Tips adverts, then colour me amused.

Jess:
What did Finn say, has he found out about us?

Rudy One:
No, he thinks I've killed a baby seal.

Alex:
Well look, guys, all of this stuff, it's gonna be something to do with the storm, isn't it?

Rudy One:
Who's this fucking guy, man? Clever and handsome, it's unbelievable.

Rudy One:
[after Rudy Two leaves] You know, this is your fucking fault, this is, eh. You're just filling his head with all these big ideas. He's going off being his own person, doing his own fucking thing. Do you know what you're doing? You're trying to spilt up the band. Me and him are the fucking Beatles, mate, and you're just that yodelling Chinese woman.

Helen:
Yoko Ono?

Rudy One:
Yeah.

Helen:
She's Japanese.

Rudy One:
Is she?

Greg:
Do you know... What today is?

Abby:
Tuesday?

Greg:
Today... is the last day of your community service. It's all over.

Jess:
Seriously?

Finn:
Are you kidding?

Greg:
Now you had a chance to do something positive. To give something back, to help people, to really make a difference to their lives. You've failed. Dismally. Do you want to know what the real tragedy is? This moment, right here, right now... this is as good as it gets for you.

Abby:
I like the idea of being a nurse. Or a shepherd.

Alex:
What qualifications do you need to be a shepherd?

Rudy:
You need a crop. Well-trained border collie, and a profound love of sheep, love.

Alex:
I'll tell you where I'm not gonna be in a year's time, and that is working behind a bar.

Rudy:
I, for one, will be enjoying my life [pulls out a scratch card out of his pocket] as a multi-millionaire!

Rudy:
[walks in wearing pajamas] Do you know, what I was doing, when you so... rudely interrupted me?

Alex:
I'm guessing it wasn't showering?

Rudy:
I was 19. And a half hours into a Murder She Wrote marathon.

Finn:
Jess is back.

Abby:
Where is she?

Alex:
She's in the shitter. She said something about some bloke who's thrown her forward through time. [Rudy is sobbing]

Finn:
You okay?

Rudy:
[crying] I'm fine. I'm fine. So, the worm's returned, [moving his finger like a worm] with her fucking bushy tail between her legs. It's too late, guys. It's too late. Because I've forgot about her very existence. [crying again] She's back! Jessica's back. Oh, man. [collapses on the floor crying]

Alex:
[Rudy still on the floor crying] Is he having a mental breakdown?

Jess:
Rudy?

Rudy:
Oh, Jess.

Jess:
You look like shit.

Rudy:
It's been a bit of a rough year. My vigorous grooming and personal hygiene regime might have... slipped, just a bit.

Sam:
You're telling me the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles never killed some ignorant fucker for dropping litter or shitting in the street? No, they didn't.

Rudy:
Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello and Raphael would never have done any of them things. They lived by a code!

Sam:
OK. Bad example.

Rudy:
I deliberately pissed myself. [to Helen] You've just been killed by my weak infantile bladder.

Finn:
Here's to the future.

Jess:
Oh, about the future, I've just been.

Abby:
Am I a shepherd?!

Jess:
Erm... You are holding a golf sale sign, for a golf sale that doesn't exist. [points at Alex] You're still working behind the bar. [looks at Finn] And you are a trainee probation worker.

Finn:
Fuck off!

Rudy:
Honest- Shame on you, Finley! Deep humiliating shame. [back to Jess] I'm a multimillionaire, aren't I? [she starts to speak] Got 'em! No, no, no, don't tell me. Don't tell me, I want it to be a surprise. Wink twice, for yes.

Jess:
You win a quid, piss yourself and then you get electrocuted.

Rudy:
Colour me disappointed.

Jess:
I'm just saying, unless we want to spend the rest of our lives as these underachieving fuck-ups, then maybe we should think about actually doing something with our powers.

Abby:
What you mean, like, open up a fast food restaurant?

Jess:
No, I mean like becoming proper superheroes. Good ones that do good shit.

Alex:
Superheroes, I'm up for that.

Rudy:
I might have to make a few modifications. Just on me costume... just on account of me- I've got irritable bowel syndrome. And shitting in lycra is how I got banned from the gym.

Finn:
No offence, but you lot... Superheroes? Fuck it! All right, yeah, let's do it.

Rudy:
This could be the start of something huge. I can feel it in me nut sack.

Rudy's father:
Well, you never had a girlfriend so we assumed...

Rudy one:
That I was a big gay! Well, sorry to disappoint you but I've had a lot of birds. I'm disgusting, I'll do anything, I have the reputation of a total slag. Mom, I am quite the slut.

Rudy:
I think I might like a sandwich Finn: you can't take all the butter Finn: look I got fins like a fish