Modern Family, Season 1

Phil:
I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I'm hip. I surf the Web. I text. LOL: laugh out loud. OMG: Oh, my God. WTF: Why the face? Um you know, I know all the dances to High School Musical so...

Claire:
What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.

Phil:
Buddy, uncool.

Claire:
That's it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.

Phil:
We were serious about that?

Claire:
Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through.

Luke:
I'm so sorry!

Claire:
Liar. Go.

Phil:
He's got a birthday party.

Alex:
What's more important here, Dad?

Claire:
You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at 2:00.

Phil:
I can't shoot him at 2:00. I'm showing a house at 2:00.

Alex:
What about 3:00?

Claire:
No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00, and then-- Oh, we got to leave for that dinner thing at 5:00. 4:15. We could shoot him at 4:15.

Phil:
Yeah, I guess that works for me. [Claire writes "Shoot Luke" on schedule. Luke groans.] Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.

Luke:
Oh, come on!

Mitchell:
[To Cameron] Wow, paisley and pink? Was there something wrong with the fishnet tank top?

Jay:
Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He's a total flake. In fact, the only way he's like Superman... is that they both landed in this country illegally.

Phil:
[To Dylan] Hey, come in. You're just in time to catch the end of the game. Come on, I'll catch you up. Okay, so that guy is the tying run - interesting story about him: he's been stuck on second base forever, and I'm pretty sure he's gonna try and steal third, which is just a terrible, terrible idea - how are you and Haley doing?"

Gloria:
I always wanted a daughter: to dress her up in pretty dresses, do her hair, her nails, her makeup. No one knows this, but for the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everyone that he was my daughter [laughing]. But just for a few times, I didn't want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died. [cut to Jay giving her a horrified look]

Cameron:
Mitchell's mother has a problem with me. Last Christmas, for example, she gave me a piece of exercise equipment and a lettuce dryer. So to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, and she gave me a hint.

Phil:
[To Haley] Boy, things with your mom got pretty intense down there, all like east coast - west coast, you feel me? [Cut to Phil by himself talking to the camera] Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it "peerenting". I learned it from my own dad who used to walk into my room and say, "What's up sweat-hog?" [Cut back to Phil and Haley] Honey, I would love to let you go to the concert. Are you kidding me, I think concerts are rad? Hello, I was a hall-raiser!

Haley:
A what?

Phil:
I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. "Rich Girl" just spoke to me; I was dating this girl - not dating, I guess I was following her too, kind of.

Claire:
[About Manny] Our son is not weird. What's weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.

Jay:
No, see this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So, people don't get hurt.

Phil:
Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you have a lumpy rug... creates a tripping hazard... and open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.

Manny:
[after being pull out of class] Is something wrong? Who's died?

Gloria:
No one, Manny.

Jay:
Why would you even think that?

Gloria:
In Colombia, Manny went to Pablo Escobar Elementary School. If you were pulled out of class, it was definitely to identify a body.

Mitchell:
[To the Emergency Assistance] Help! We locked our baby in the car and people are judging us!

Cameron:
Any monkey can shoot a home movie. I pride myself on shooting home films.

Mitchell:
Yeah, but Cameron, you always just take things a little too far.

Cameron:
No, I don't.

Mitchell:
Okay, your nephew's first birthday.

Cameron:
That's not fair.

Mitchell:
You brought a wind machine.

Cameron:
To be fair, my vision was--

Mitchell:
Cameron, you brought a wind machine.

Cameron:
Who puts wheels on cribs?

Cameron:
So there's no part of you that wants to clear the air with your sister?

Mitchell:
No.

Cameron:
Okay, fine. That's your family's way, I'll respect that. But you should know it's hard on the people who love you. We feel the tension, we hear the words that cut like knives.

Claire:
Hey guys! I brought orange slices.

Cameron:
Okay. You know what, I can't bear this. Claire, Mitchell still resents you for quitting the figure skating team when you were kids. [to Alex and Haley] Ladies, come inside with me please. [to Claire and Mitchell] Work it out. Come on.

[Cameron and the girls leave the scene]

Mitchell:
Thanks, Cam.

Claire:
Is he serious? Is that what your little jab was about this morning?

Mitchell:
Okay ... no ... yes. Okay, yes. I guess I'm still a little angry, but you know--you stole my moment, Claire.

Claire:
Yeah, 21 years ago...

Mitchell:
Okay, but it doesn't matter to you because you had your own moments. You had cheerleading and high school plays, making out with the quarterback, and...

Claire:
Oh come on, you made out with him, too.

Mitchell:
Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.

Claire:
You're impossible to buy for! You never want anything.

Phil:
[Confessional] Um, things I want: robot dog, night vision goggles, bug vacuum, GPS watch, speakers that look like rocks... I love my wife, but she sucks at giving gifts. I'm sorry for the pay-channel language, but- oh! Yogurt maker! I can't not think of things I want.

Phil:
[upon receiving Claire's gift] I am so excited. [Opens envelope] Coupons for...five free hugs.

Claire:
You don't like it?

Phil:
Are you kidding me? I love it. It's so creative--coupons for hugs, which are usually free, but this makes it official, which is so great.

Manny:
I've tried everything to get her attention. Opening doors, having a milk sent over in the cafeteria. Nothing has worked.

Jay:
Here's the deal. Girls don't go for all that romantic stuff. They go for power and success, and since you don't have either one of those things... you're gonna be the funny guy.

Cameron:
Hey, Phil... are you getting a Clown for today?

Phil:
Er no, Luke er... Luke's not much of a Clown-fan.

Cameron:
Really?

Phil:
Yeah, never really liked them.

Cameron:
Has he ever seen a good one?

Phil:
Has anyone?!

Phil:
I am brave. Roller coasters? Love 'em. Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters like, 7 times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything... except for clowns. Never shared that with the family so, shh-- I do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from, my mother says it's because when I was a kid I found a dead clown in the woods, but who knows?

Claire:
Phil has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids.

Phil:
One time I told Luke that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed.

Claire:
Phil's problem is follow-through.

Phil:
We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of a goldfish bowl.

Gloria:
Look, every country has their own traditions. In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one that brings the gifts, not the Santa Claus.

Jay:
But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.

Manny:
At least a baby can fit through a chimney.

Jay:
How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it.

Javier:
Hey, you're not leaving are you?

Manny:
I've got school.

Javier:
Wha--?! School!

Gloria:
Yeah, school. That's where people go to learn things like not to keep children up all night!

Javier:
[points at Manny while facing Jay] He told her?

Jay:
He's weak.

Javier:
Well, listen. You told me that you used to like riding motorcycles, right? So I brought you one.

Jay:
I know but I kinda got work--

Javier:
Pssh, work!

Manny:
Go, Jay!

Gloria:
Yes, go Jay, and take Manny with you, too!

Manny:
Okay!

Gloria:
NO, MANUEL ALBERTO! IN THE CAR OR I PUT YOU IN THE TRUNK!

Alex:
Did you draw on my poster?

Haley:
Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal.

Alex:
I didn't read your stupid journal, and I waited in line to get this signed, Haley.

Haley:
Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair.

Alex:
That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.

Haley:
Oh, sorry I don't follow the WNBA.

Claire:
Okay, I checked the rest of the computer in the house. I didn't find any more porn.

Phil:
That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Mitchell:
[To the florist, after Cam accidentally sets the flowers on fire and then runs screaming into the kitchen] Look at that, two things flaming at once!

Mitchell:
I came out of the closet in my mid-twenties. I had to actually come out to my dad three times before he finally acknowledged it. I'm not sure if maybe he was hoping he heard it wrong like I had said, "Dad, I'm gray"

Alex:
What's Jägermeister?

Phil:
Um, well you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle, you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.

Phil:
Do people want their real estate advice from someone who leads or from someone who follows? I'm betting these babies [points to fake mustache] are coming back in a big way. Buy low sell high. People are gonna see this and say... that guy is high.

Jay:
[about a comedian] You're going to love him. Trust me, the guy's hilarious.

Gloria:
Okay, tell me one of his jokes.

Jay:
Well, he doesn't do jokes.

Gloria:
Does he have a mallet?

Jay:
No.

Gloria:
So then how does he get hit in the head?

Jay:
He doesn't get hit in the head. He makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way- come on, he's been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.

Gloria:
Who the hell is Johnny Carson?

Jay:
Oh, for God's sake.

[Cut to Jay and Gloria talking to the camera]

Jay:
Gloria and I are from different generations, and I won't lie, it isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon & Garfunkel were my lawyers.

Gloria:
No I didn't.

Jay:
It's a joke.

Gloria:
I don't get it.

Jay:
Maybe that's because there's no mallet.

Gloria:
Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.

Jay:
[To Gloria] I have to get old... You don't have to get fat.

[Claire and Phil are pretending to be strangers at a hotel bar, Claire has just returned from the bathroom wearing her coat]

Claire:
"Clive", I have a little something for you.

Phil:
What is it?

Claire:
[tosses something at Phil] My dress.

Phil:
Oh..

Claire:
My bra.

Phil:
Oh, my...

Claire:
My underwear.

Phil:
My God!

Claire:
Yeah. What do you say we take this upstairs?

Phil:
This is so much better than cheesy garlic bread.

Mitchell:
[To Cameron, who has been over complimenting their pediatrician] Take it down a notch, we're trying to make a friend, not initiate a three-way.

Gloria:
The party is at an amusement park and Manny's afraid of roller coasters.

Jay:
Poor kid.

Gloria:
I don't know where he gets his fear from, cause his father is not afraid of anything no bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars.

Jay:
But go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come then you'll see fear in his eyes, like the waiter's a ghost.

Claire:
Women in their thirties on the Internet, they're like ninjas. They get in their little black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.

Claire:
Denise? Do I know Denise?

Phil:
Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend.

Haley:
Oh my god, gross! I can't even picture you with a woman.

Claire:
Thank you.

Luke:
You had a girlfriend before Mom?

Phil:
Try two. Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your Mom.

Claire:
And thank you.

Phil:
Claire, I know you've got your methods, but so do I, and I'm sorry but I'm not a micro-manager. Trust me, I can provide Luke with the tools and guidance he needs without smothering him.

Claire:
You think I smother our children?

Phil:
It's not your fault, honey, mother is part of the word. You ever hear of anyone being sfathered to death?

Jay:
[After Mitchell got sprayed by a skunk] The trouble is your clothes, just take them off. I think there's a blanket in the trunk.

Mitchell:
You're sure, Dad, you're not worried I might stink up the blanket?

Jay:
Don't worry about it. We just use it to cover up the seat from when Manny's all sweaty after his Tango class.

Manny:
If you don't sweat, you're not doing right!

Jay:
I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game--not smuggle stuff out of the country.

Gloria:
Eh, I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.

Gloria:
Are you sure there's not an "E-I" in the middle?

Manny:
No its "I-E".

Gloria:
Good, Papi. If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you either.

Manny:
I don't think they're trying to fool me.

Mitchell:
It's Cameron's turn to be out in the world interacting with other grown-ups while I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer. [mumbling] Fill her backpack with bricks, and throw her into Candycane River...

Phil:
What's my coaching philosophy? Give a kid a bird and he becomes one of those weird dudes that walks around with a bird on his shoulder. But give him a pair of wings? He can fly...

Alex:
[Enters the car] Hey mom-

Claire:
That was 20 minutes.

Alex:
Ergh, mom, I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school, you know, with friends, and I love you so much and I appreciate everything you do for me... I'm still your little girl.

Claire:
Oh honey, why so sweet?

Alex:
Can I get twenty dollars? A bunch of us are going to a movie and we're going to get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother is going to take us home.

Claire:
Okay! Of course, sweetie, you know what? Take forty!

Alex:
Oh my gosh!

Claire:
Yeah, that's right!

Alex:
Thanks mom!

Claire:
Go on, have a great time!

[Alex leaves the car smiling, running to friends]

Claire:
[Yelling to Alex from a distance] Oh, Alex, honey! When you're out shopping, you might want to pick up yourself a training bra! I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon! Mummy loves you, kitten! [Mumbling] Teach her to screw with me.

Phil:
I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers- It turns out I'm one of them. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.

Phil:
[After he and Mitchell pop a lock on a window of Mitchell & Cameron's house, of which they are locked out] If you show enough houses you learn all the tricks. Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me...I'm completely clueless.

Cameron:
Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight, it's very stressful.

Mitchell:
Yeah, last year I flew back from New York next to a baby who was very upset the entire flight, and it was hell.

Cameron:
I was on the flight with you, I don't recall - oh, I get it, you're talking about me, that's very funny.

Mitchell:
Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.

Cameron:
[Getting very emotional] All he wanted to do was dance, and that's my story.

Mitchell:
Five hours of this.

Cameron:
[In a bold, thick Geordie accent] I just wanted to dance at the ballet!

Gloria:
I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all of this swimming and running and rowing, it's just like how some of my relatives got into this country!

Cameron:
It would be like Lewis telling Clark that he didn't like to walk. Sidenote: We're very good friends with a couple named Lewis and Clark. Clark bought a big sparkly belt in New Orleans that he calls his Louisiana Purchase.

Claire:
Quick, quick, tell me something to say that will freak him out.

Haley:
Tell him I'm pregnant.

Gloria:
The question is, why isn't all your underwear good, Jay? You make a nice living!

Alex:
Mom! Dad!

Claire:
What?

Alex:
Luke just shot me!

Claire:
Are you okay?

Alex:
No! The little bitch shot me!

[Phil chuckles]

Claire:
Language!