Modern Family, Season 2

Luke:
[Holding up a picture he found] Mom, when was this from?

Claire:
Oh, that's the year your dad and I went to the Rose bowl.

Phil:
Incredible game.

Claire:
Yeah.

Luke:
Mom, you look really pretty.

Claire:
Thank you sweetheart.

Luke:
So, what happened?

Phil:
Well, Lukey, everyone gets older. Just 'cause parts of your mom aren't what they used to be, it doesn't mean-

Luke:
I mean, what happened in the game?

Phil:
[After getting a look from Claire] We got our butts kicked by Penn state. The parade was awesome though. Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal. "Good time, she wrote."

Phil:
[confessional] You know what? You can insult a lot of things about me: my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises, but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's 'cause I just sold it.

Claire:
Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them. They need to know who you wish you were, and they need to try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short, but better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.

Phil:
Which is why we don't hide anything.

Claire:
That is the opposite of what I just said.

Phil:
I was not listening.

Claire:
[to Jay] Gloria is right. You being emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show affection.

Jay:
Really?

Claire:
Yes.

Jay:
You have trouble showing affection in public places?

Claire:
Yes.

Jay:
You?

Claire:
[changes tone] Yes.

Jay:
Was that before or after you were delivered to my door wearing nothing but your underwear and a police blanket?

[The kids walk in]

Haley:
Oh my god, what?!

Alex:
You were arrested?

Luke:
Awesome!

Claire:
Not awesome! And I wasn't arrested. Your grandfather was just telling a joke.

Jay:
: It was just a joke. [whispers to Claire] I got a million of 'em.

Claire:
Dad...

Gloria:
Jay, what are you wearing? You can't go to church like that.

Jay:
Well, that settles it then. I'm going golfing.

Gloria:
You're gonna miss church again? Last Sunday, you said that you had to go the office. The week before, you had breakfast with a friend.

Manny And before that, you thought you had a cold that turned out not to be a cold.

Jay:
Because I babied it.

Gloria:
You don't have to convince us. You have to convince Him.

Jay:
Who, God? Me and God are good.

Gloria:
How would you know?

Jay:
Look, you feel God in church, which is great. I feel God out in nature, amongst his works.

Gloria:
Are you gonna go to church next week?

Jay:
We'll see.

Gloria:
I know what "we'll see" means. If you're done with church, just say it.

Jay:
I'm done with church.

Gloria:
Don't say that!

Manny:
Can I go golfing with you?

Jay:
Eh, I'm probably gonna have a Latino kid carry my clubs anyway. Might as well be you.

[Haley walks in with a revealing nurse costume]

Claire:
What the hell is that?

Haley:
What? You told me to put on an old costume.

Claire:
Not from when you were eight. Are you trying to get candy or Japanese business men? Change it. Go.

Haley:
Okay, Mom, you can't have a problem with this one. I am Mother Teresa.

[Haley walks in with a short white dress and a nuns cap]

Claire:
Are you kidding me?

Haley:
What? I am her back then when she was hot.

Claire:
I will give you $10 to go up and put more clothes on.

Alex:
I bet that's the first time you heard that.

Mitchell:
[talking about Lilly being in a commercial] Let's just let Lily have a normal childhood.

Cameron:
I think that gay cruise has sailed.

Cameron:
[speaking into the phone] No, I think that amount'd be fine. I'm just happy you want Lily. I.. I think you're gonna be very happy with her. Okay.

Mitchell:
Cam, did you just sell our baby?

[Gloria is looking for her car keys]

Jay:
You know, we wouldn't be having this problem if you hadn't lost the spare set.

Gloria:
I didn't lose them. Somebody came in here and stole them!

Jay:
And left the car.

Mitchell:
[reading from the Mommy Forum to figure out what to do about Lily's biting] Well, this one says "when my daughter bit her brother, I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth. She cried and cried but she never bit again. Smiley face."

Cameron:
Oh, well the smiley face makes it okay. I water-boarded our toddler. LOL.

Jay:
[to Manny and Luke] Boys, here's the only thing you need to know about being a man. Never let someone take what is yours.

Phil:
Unless it's just a parking spot and there's plenty of others.

Jay:
That's sweet, Phil. You gotta write that down. You got any lipstick in your purse?

Phil:
"We like to think we are so smart, and we have all the answers. And we want to pass all that on to our children, but if you scratch beneath the surface you don't have to dig very deep to find the kid you were. Which is it's kind of crazy that now we're raising kids of our own. I guess that's the real circle of life."

Cameron:
Every time we meet a new friend, they say one thing you don't like and you just write them off.

Mitchell:
I do not!

Cameron:
Oh, really? What about "But Yet Rachel"?

Mitchell:
[mocking her] "I'd love to go but... yet... I don't feel like parking." It's either "but" or "yet"... not both.

Cameron:
You're lucky no one's kicked your butt yet.

Gloria:
[to Jay and Manny, about learning to ride a bike] You two have fun. I pass. It makes no sense. There's no reason that thing should stay upright.

Jay:
There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Phil:
[about Alex putting pressure on herself to do well on her exam] This is my fault. You see me achieve excellence and it puts a lot of pressure on you.

Claire:
What about me?

Phil:
Sorry. Yeah. It puts a lot of pressure on both of you.

Mitchell:
[about his night with Tracy] After that I didn't return any of her phone calls, and I haven't seen her since.

Cameron:
[to Lily, who stole the sunglasses] You naughty little girl!

Mitchell:
Well, you know that's what happens when you give me Kahlua.

Claire:
We need a game plan, we need to map out exactly what we are going to say, because that is the only way I will be able to hold it together while our babies look at us with judgment and disgust.

Phil:
That's how they always look at us.

Phil:
[on sex] It's like you're shaking hands, but you're not using your hands. At all.

Phil:
Never did catch what you do.

Claire:
Didn't you?

Phil:
Surprising, I know. I'm usually pretty good at catching things from women in bars.

Claire:
Well Clive, I am just a bored housewife with a dark side and an hour to kill. [pulls out room key]

Phil:
Is that what I think it is?

Claire:
It's not a gift card... or maybe it is.

Claire:
So where is she? Where's Mom?

Jay:
Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.

Mitchell:
[to Claire] I thought she was coming with you.

Claire:
Oh, no, no, I haven't seen Mom since, let's see....oh! she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night!

Jay:
WHAT?!?

Mitchell:
NO, MY GOD!!

Claire:
Yeah, yeah. And then, she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep and then this morning, left a cute little note that said "Having breakfast with Robbie!"

Jay:
What the hell is she doing, he's half her age!

[Mitchell and Claire give sarcastic looks at him and Gloria]

Jay:
Don't say it.

Gloria:
[slurringly] I think it's sweet. Love is beautiful, it has no age. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be...that is the question.

Claire:
Dad, what's going on over there?

Jay:
She was a little nervous about your mother being here, so she tried her first Xanax and washed it down with a shot of tequila.

Claire:
[Talking about her ex-boyfriend] Every time he opens his mouth, I can feel my daughters losing respect for me.

Mitchell:
You know, I never liked that guy. He used to always put me in a headlock. It is amazing, the freaks we used to date.

[Cameron leaps out from the dining room, dressed as Fizbo, in a court jester costume]

Cameron:
[in a faux Cockney accent] 'Ello, guv'nor!

Mitchell:
[In disbelief] I gotta jump. [hangs up] Alright... Let's hear it.

Cameron:
Sir Fizbolot, royal court jester, at your service. I understand there's a little princess who's in need of a jolly good time!

Mitchell:
[copying his faux Cockney accent] No!

Cameron:
Your 'ighness said that the clown doesn't fit the princess theme, but methinks that a court jester is right as rain!

Mitchell:
There goes the theory that an English accent makes everyone sound smart.

[Claire and Phil have had a fight earlier when Claire feels that Phil listens to everyone's opinion but hers]

Phil:
Hey.

Claire:
Hey

Phil:
I wanna show you something.

Claire:
Let me guess. It's a copy of the book that I begged you to read, but you wouldn't until your dental hygienist said it changed her life.

Phil:
[opens photo album in his hands] Remember this? [Claire murmurs assent] It's the first Thanksgiving I spent with your family.

Claire:
God, I hated that ponytail.

Phil:
I know, you said it made me look like a wimpy bouncer so I cut it off. Just like I lost the feathered earring. And the van with the beanbag chairs. And I changed my forestry major.

Claire:
I get it, Phil. I get it. I am the controlling witch that made you give up everything fun in your life....

Phil:
No! No no no no you're the witch who saved me! [Claire looks stunned] Look. Look at this picture. Now look at this guy. [gestures to his face] You can't tell me your opinion doesn't matter. You changed me for the better in a hundred different ways. Yeah, I might miss a book or a, a salad here and there, but...I've got Claire all over me.

Claire:
[smiles] You're about to. [kisses him]

Cameron:
[playing with Lily on his lap as Mitchell comes in] Hey daddy, how was the farmer's market?

Mitchell:
Well, it was great but...guess what the new spinach is?

Cameron:
Umm..radicchio?

Mitchell:
[pulling a bunch out of his basket] Kale!

Cameron:
[gasps] No!

Mitchell:
I know, I was just as blown away as you are.

Cameron:
Well, I guess we're going to have to...[leans close to Lily, claps and speaks in a very happy voice]...adopt, yay, a new attitude towards kale. Maybe we'll even adopt!! [clap clap clap] a new vinaigrette! Adopt! Yaaay!

Mitchell:
K, what's going on here?

Cameron:
I'm taking the negative charge out of the word adopted [to Lily] Yay!

Mitchell:
What did Oprah do now?

Cameron:
Well, she had a girl on who, at sixteen, found out that she was [covers Lily's ears] adopted and felt betrayed and ran away and became a stripper. And not the heart-of-gold kind, the by-the-airport kind.

Mitchell:
[strained grin] Okay.

Cameron:
Alright, go get your gavel, Judge Judy

Mitchell:
No, not at all. I'm adopting [cheers, Cam claps near Lily] a tolerant attitude towards your flights of lunacy.

Cameron:
[to Lily] Adopting! Yay!

Cameron:
Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams?

Mitchell:
I do not.

Cameron:
You do it all the time! And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams....I heard it as soon as I said it, just leave it alone.

Cameron:
We've been dropping by unannounced to quietly assess all the candidates.

Mitchell:
Well, not all the candidates. We can't just drop by Missourah.

Cameron:
That's Missouri. No one from Missouri says Missourah.

Mitchell:
I'm so sorrah.

Mitchell:
I'm sorry, did we come by at a bad time?

Claire:
Try coming back seven years and five months from now when they're all gone!

Cameron:
I just don't think Jay is the best one to raise Lily.

Mitchell:
You know, Cam, he raised me.

Cameron:
Oh, now you've put me in an awkward position.

Alex:
Where are we?

Haley:
The boys' locker room.

Alex:
It smells like feet.

Haley:
That's not feet.

Jay:
Honey, I love you, but you have to learn to say no to people.

Gloria:
All right. Ask me if you can go golfing.

Jay:
Other people.

Luke:
I don't feel well.

Claire:
Did you finish your milkshake?

Luke:
I think that's the problem.

Guillermo:
Last year, 4 billion dollars was spent on dog training.

Jay:
That's not true.

Guillermo:
I know; I was just as surprised as you are.

Jay:
Yeah; you were surprised because it's not true.

Guillermo:
So what is this multi-billion dollar industry missing?

Jay:
Multi-billion dollars.

Phil:
But I was going to take Luke and Manny go-karting for their good report cards.

Claire:
What was good about Luke's report card?

Phil:
...He didn't lose it.

Claire:
Alex.

Alex:
(sadly) I have no friends.

Jay:
Buddy, don't close yourself off from new things. Have I told you the story about me and crab cakes? Thought I didn't like them, tried them, loved them.

Manny:
Wow! Are the movie rights available for that one?