Mystery Science Theater 3000, Season 1

[Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.]

Mountaineer:
His head! ... It was torn off!

Servo:
You say that like it's a bad thing.

[The train carrying some of the main characters arrives in Trollenberg.]

Servo [as Conductor]:
Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death.

[A woman stares blankly at a mountain as bizarre music plays.]

Joel [as mountain]:
[deeply] I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say.

Joel:
What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?

[A woman is feeling faint after the giant eyes attacking the observatory have been killed and set ablaze by an air strike.]

Man:
Let's get you outside and have some fresh air!

Servo:
I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now.

[A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]

Crow [as Retik/Larry]:
I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.

Commando Cody:
Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth?

Servo [as Retik]:
It's an election year.

Retik:
Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion.

Commando Cody:
Why do you want to invade the Earth?

Retik:
Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses.

Joel [as Cody]:
Get a humidifier!

[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]

Dr. Almada:
So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca.

Joel [as Dr. Almada]:
The god of decaffeinated coffee.

Dr. Almada:
They were discovered by the tribal priests.

[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]

Servo [as Dr. Almada]:
They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew how to handle a hungry man.

[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]

Joel:
Kind of looks like Dirty Dancing, doesn't it?

Servo [as Xochi]:
[singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"] I've reached the end of my life And I'm waiting for the knife to fall.

I've reached the end of my life

And I'm waiting for the knife to fall.

[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]

Dr. Krupp:
Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test!

Joel:
The Cosmo sex quiz?

[After the stars a list of names under "With" comes up.]

Joel:
These are the extras...they'll probably get killed.

[Last week's cliffhanger is resolved by Cody simply diving away from a ray blast.]

Servo:
Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him.

[Local yokel Jed Harper wanders through the misty, jungle-like woods at night.]

Servo:
[singing to "Theme from 'The Beverly Hillbillies'"] Come 'n' listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. Then one day, he was shootin' at some food...

Come 'n' listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,

A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.

Then one day, he was shootin' at some food...

[Suddenly, Jed spots Wolfman Petro, who also spies him through the mist.]

Joel:
[singing] And up from the swamp came a big, ugly dude.

Servo:
Wolfman, that is.

Joel:
Black teeth.

Joel, Servo:
Gnarled face.

[Petro begins to advance on Jed, who turns and flees.]

Servo:
[singing] Well, the next thing ya know, ol' Jed's really scared. The kinfolks said, "Jed, get away from there!" Said, "My cabin is the place I oughta be!" So he loaded up his drawers and told his family.

Well, the next thing ya know, ol' Jed's really scared.

The kinfolks said, "Jed, get away from there!"

Said, "My cabin is the place I oughta be!"

So he loaded up his drawers and told his family.

Servo:
Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?

Prof. Blaine:
Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege!

Joel:
Tell that to the NFL!

[Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.]

Servo:
Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part!

[Dr. Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again.]

Servo [as Dr. Cameron]:
That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck.

Prof. Fitzgerald:
[viewing Cameron's lab] You seem to be excellently equipped.

Servo [as Dr. Cameron]:
Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers.

[Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]

Lt. Bradley:
Hi-keeba!

[Running gag:
Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]

Joel, Servo, and Crow:
SHUT UP!!!

[On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]

Joel:
Is he primordial soup yet?

[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]

Joel [as Scott]:
I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow.

[After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]

Joel:
Oh, man, that's so sad - look, they're taking the cake back!

[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]

Crow [as Lorenz]:
Thank you, I love cake!

[At Alice Wentworth's wedding, the bride and her maids hear a knock at the door.]

Servo [as Landshark]:
Landshark.

. . .

[Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.]

Joel [as Landshark]:
Candygram.

. . .

[The two women hear another knock at the door.]

Servo [as Landshark]:
Pizza delivery.

[At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.]

Servo [as Lorenz]:
I've got to go back here and talk to the Lion and the Witch.

[Dr. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle.]

Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]:
Now you might feel a little sting...

[Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.]

Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]:
OK, a big sting.

Crow:
No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.

[during the RAM chip segment]

Crow:
Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of mutants!

Joel:
[chuckles] OK...and a bad thing?

Crow:
They were all so stupid, they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life!

Joel:
[impressed] You, my friend, get a RAM chip!

[In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.]

Owner:
No dancing, not allowed.

Joel:
This is just like Footloose.

[Moments later in the same diner, when Marta is about to say something.]

Crow [as Owner]:
No acting, not allowed.

. . .

[Marta shows her rat in a cage for her science experiment at the diner]

Owner:
No rats.

Joel [as Owner]:
Unless they're on the menu.

[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]

Crow:
Hey! Is this From Here to Eternity?

Servo:
No, it just seems like an eternity.

[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]

Marta:
Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"?

Paul:
"Stacked"?

Crow [as Paul]:
"Stacked" means you're really smart.

Police Officer:
Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening?

Crow [as Officer]:
The sound of one hand clapping?

[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a geiger counter.]

Dr. Weitzberg:
Not a trace. Not a solitary trace.

Joel:
Must be a talent meter.

[Tom sneezes violently]

Joel:
Bless you!

Crow:
Gesundheit.

Joel:
You're not supposed to do that...

[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors.]

Ro-Man:
Humans! Listen to me! Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left.

Joel [as Ro-Man]:
We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you.

[After the destruction of the space platform, Ro-Man addresses the human survivors]

Ro-Man:
And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative.

Crow:
He's so negative!

[Shortly before the conclusion, Joel and the Bots discuss the movie.]

Joel:
Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's- he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen Dali paintings that make more sense than this movie does.

Servo:
Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between surrealism and costume-shop closeouts.

[Ro-Man clumsily struggles with Alice and Roy.]

Joel:
That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case.

[Ro-Man shows signs of weakness before his boss, the Great Guidance.]

Great Guidance:
To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man!

Servo [as Ro-Man]:
Me-man?

Ro-Man:
Yes. [distressed] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?!

Great Guidance:
You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One - destroy the girl. Two - destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you.

Joel [as Ro-Man]:
Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice?

Servo [as Great Guidance]:
Do not violate ape law!

Johnny:
I think you're just a big bully, picking on people smaller than you are!

[Short pause.]

Ro-Man:
Now I will kill you.

[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]

Servo:
It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it?

Crow:
Hip? Not. Ick!

[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]

Servo [as Gregory]:
Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero".

Crow [as Answering Machine]:
Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb.

[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]

Tolliver:
Genius waits for no one!

Crow:
But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings.

. . .

[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]

Tolliver:
I… I've never seen anything like it!

Servo:
Even in Tijuana!

. . .

[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]

Joel:
Lookit - they're all on their way to a George Romero film festival!

[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]

Gregory:
Look at this. Blonde hair.

Servo:
Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat.

Crow:
At night.

Joel:
In a fog.

[The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.]

Crow:
Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers back to Brooklyn.

[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]

Valeria:
You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?

Torque:
Yes!

Valeria:
Do you unduhstand, old man?

Servo:
Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand.

Valeria:
Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?

Joel [as Jorn]:
Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd?

Valeria:
Vewy well. Towque, go now.

Joel [as Jorn]:
Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck?

[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]

Narrator:
A dagger is placed into the ground-

Servo:
A voice-over is placed into the script.

[A severed head rolls past]

Servo:
Oh, it's a spare!

Crow:
Gutter head.

[Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]

Servo:
[excited] Hey it's in color!

Joel:
Yeah.

Servo:
Really bad music already, this is great.

. . .

Servo:
Is this a Pink Panther movie?

Joel:
No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like.

Servo:
Why would they use cartoons?

Joel:
Uh, so astronauts could understand them.

Servo:
[dubiously] Ah.

[Clementine is concerned about her missing brother.]

Clementine:
He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport.

Capt. Kemp:
He's probably waiting at Moon City.

Clementine:
Mmm, that's what the man said.

Servo [as Capt. Kemp]:
Don't you listen to what the man says.

[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]

Korminski:
Yes, thees time, we can pay the bill, okay?!

Joel, Crow, Servo [as Korminski/Manuel]:
Hch-okay, Mee-ster Fawlty!

. . .

[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]

Hubbard:
That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he?

Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]:
[annoyed] He's from Barcelona.

[As the moon buggy overheats and explodes, the jazz soundtrack lets out a piercing wail.]

Servo:
Oh, no - the jazz combo was in there!!

[Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.]

Crow:
Kaboom! would become Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion!

[Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]

Crow [as Penny]:
Hey, who's the guy in the cage?

Servo [as Farmhand]:
Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop.

[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a sock hop in their quarters.]

Joel:
That's the problem with today's youth. This is how their image of prison is.

Jane:
Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song.

Crow:
Maybe it's Aida.

Bob Steele:
That's the worst part about it - she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her name.

Crow:
She shoulda died at Cheers - then everyone woulda known her name.

[Penny (blonde bombshell Mamie Van Doren) performs a calypso song and dance, backed by male dancers.]

Penny:
Come on, boys, and carry my bananas!

Joel:
What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"?

Servo:
I don't wanna know.

[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]

Narrator:
… and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.

Joel:
Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!

. . .

Narrator:
… having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days…

Servo [as Narrator]:
And then tragedy struck - we ran out of stock footage!

[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]

Hank:
Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.

Artur:
Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.

Joel, Crow, Servo:
[singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep.

[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]

Servo [as Artur]:
I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first.

[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]

Hank:
… I found something a lot more interesting!

Joel:
Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!

Crow:
Only mounted. [N]

[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]

Dr. Velazco:
But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First-

Servo [as Velazco]:
We're small. We can run fast.

Dr. Velazco:
Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.

Crow [as Velazco]:
And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait - that's the scorpion's good point.

[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]

Crow [as Tour Guide]:
Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train…

Servo [as Scorpion]:
Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains.

[The passengers flee the train.]

Joel [as Company Rep]:
Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.