NCIS: Los Angeles, Season 1

Hetty:
Expense accounts--yours are six months behind. I would have thought that, seeing you had time off for recuperation, you would have caught up on your paperwork

Callen:
Please tell me you're kidding me, Hetty.

Hetty:
Well, I could, but it would be a lie. No rush! Tomorrow will be fine...

Hetty:
Wardrobe for your undercover work. I know you grew up in the well-meaning, but cold embrace of the welfare state, Mr. Callen, but, just because you're an orphan, doesn't mean that you have to dress like Oliver Twist.

Callen:
In the three years we known each other, you've never called me "G".

Hetty:
It's not a name, it's a letter.

Callen:
What are we, if anyone asks?

Sam:
Uhh, city inspectors?

Callen:
No, no one talks to city inspectors.

Sam:
Okay, you're a realtor, and I'm your client. You're showing me an apartment.

Callen:
Do I look like a realtor?

Sam:
Okay, I'm a realtor, and you're the guy looking for an apartment. Can we go?

Callen:
Would I live in a place like this? I don't even know if I can afford a place like this.

Sam:
That's why I'm showing you, to see if you'd wanna live in a place like this.

Callen:
Does it have a Jacuzzi?

Sam:
If it has, I'm going to drown you in it.

Callen:
Where are we with friends or lovers?

Sam:
There is this one stand-out guy.

Callen:
Friend or lover?

Dominic:
Not really the question that jumped out at me.

Callen:
Informed guess?

Dominic:
He's a six-foot-three, two-hundred-pound, Special Forces-paratrooper guy. Leaning towards a friend.

Sam:
Good call, Dom.

Sam:
I'm definitely getting you a birthday card this year.

Callen:
Great. Make sure you put some money in it.

Sam:
How 'bout I put some personality in it?

Hetty:
Oh, for the love of Gucci!

(Hetty finds Sam punching a punching bag)

Sam:
Why does something have to be wrong? Can't a guy just get some exercise?

Hetty:
Pilates is exercise. Beating the hell out of something is an aggressive expression of male frustration.

(Hetty finds Dom aggressively punching a bag)

Hetty:
What is the matter with you men?

Dom:
Sorry, I was just letting off a little steam.

Hetty:
Like the Little Engine That Could. I know you lost a target, big deal. It happens, get over it.

Dom:
So, you heard about that.

Hetty:
Of course, I heard about it. I know what you ate for breakfast, sweetie.

(Callen lets Sam go in to interrogate Raspen)

Nate:
This is a bad idea.

Callen:
Trust me, Doc, sometimes you have to let the big dogs work it out.

Nate:
Sam, I know you're angry, and you take their action personally, but--

Sam:
(interrupts him) Whoa, Doc. Do me a favor, and stay out of my head!

Dom:
It's hard being the new guy.

Kensi:
Try being the new girl! They used to make me crawl into air vents, under houses, just because I was the smallest one. Yeah, when was the last time you had to put on a bikini for an assignment? Yeah, that's right, try hiding a gun in your thong.

Dom:
Alright, I just never thought of it that way.

Kensi:
Yeah, well, it's obviously not like that anymore. I mean, if you can prove you can protect yourself, and protect your team, then they'll let up. If Sam is hard on you in the office, it's just because he wants to protect you in the field. [beat] Well, of course, either that, or he genuinely doesn't like you.

Nate:
What is the world coming to, when drug dealers aren't even safe in the comfort of their own fortified homes?

Hetty:
Oh, your professional psychological analysis is an invaluable asset to our team, Nate.

Nate:
Thanks, Hetty.

Hetty:
But your stand up needs some work. Save it for open mike night.

(Eric whistles and everyone leaves, Dominic--standing with his back turned--doesn't notice)

Hetty:
Personally, I don't respond to being whistled at like a sheep dog, but Eric seems to have trained the others. So, I suggest you learn the appropriate Pavlovian response. (Dominic has a questioning look on his face) Which is GO! Go, doggie, go!

Sam:
SEALs work together as a team. Holgate had the tendency to act like a lone wolf, if you know what I'm talking about.

Callen:
Actually, half the time I don't know what you're talking about. And the rest of the time, I just disagree.

(Dom stands with his hands raised, unaware that Sam has left.)

Hetty:
What are you doing?

Dom:
Training.

Hetty:
To go undercover as a scarecrow?

Kensi:
I'm the best first-date-girl in town. I mean, I bring my A game: funny, flirty, charismatic, tasteful.

Sam:
Like me.

Callen:
And the second?

Kensi:
The second date: antsy, bored, distant, impatient, irritable.

Sam:
Like G.

Hetty:
Few men know how to deal with a smart, strong independent woman. They say they want a soul mate to share their dreams and their hopes with, but all they really want is a substitute mommy.

Nate:
Okay, as a professional psychologist, I have to completely--

Hetty:
(interrupts him) Nate, sit down!

Nate:
Cool, I'm going to sit.

Hetty:
George Hamilton once told me that what men really love is a woman that plays hard to get… or was it Frank Sinatra?

(Eric whistles)

Nate:
Saved by the whistle.

(Hetty hands out papers)

Callen:
Mission briefing?

Hetty:
Sexual harassment guidelines. There's a seminar next week, and it is mandatory, even for you, Mr. Callen.

(The team is watching footage of a UAV attack)

Sam:
How fast can we get that footage off the web?

Eric:
With or without the cooperation of Sphereguide.com's legal department? (Sam looks at him) Okay, cutting through the legal tape…(types in some code and grins) I just crashed their entire server.

Hetty:
(yelling from her office) Idiot hackers!!!

Eric:
Uh-oh

Callen:
Sam, I think we are due in the boathouse.

Sam:
Walking!

(Callen and Sam walk away, passing Hetty as she walks in)

Sam:
Hi, Hetty

Callen:
Eric did it.

Hetty:
I was just watching that viral video with the cats, and the trampoline, and the site just froze up and crashed on me! Did you have anything to do with that?

Sam:
So, what are we this time, a couple of salesmen who got lost, maybe some guys looking for an old college buddy?

Callen:
How about we're two armed federal agents trying to apprehend a terrorist?

Sam:
Oh, yeah!

(Hetty walks up behind Callen and Sam)

Hetty:
Is that blood, Mr. Hanna?

Sam:
Mostly.

Hetty:
Yours?

Callen:
Other guy's.

Hetty:
Can we bill him?

Sam:
Not anymore...?

Jenson:
I don't get close to people on the job. Trust me, you open that door up and you're asking for a needy, whiny slacker of a colleague.

Callen:
I know exactly what you mean.

(After Jenson leaves)

Sam:
I don't whine, I'm not needy, and I don't slack.

Callen:
Two out of three ain't bad.

Callen:
Bad news is, our only lead in this case is dead. Good news is, you're off the hook for date number two.

Kensi:
Sure, hop on the Kensi-Abuse train while there's still room.

Callen:
(to Sam) You know your ears wiggle when you're trying to avoid a conversation? Its kind of adorable.

Kensi:
(as Razor Mantis) I will consider answering your question, once the guy to your left stops IM-ing you about my bra size.

Hetty:
(referring to the hackers) These guys have spent more time with their World of Warcraft avatars than real women who aren't called "Mom".

Nate:
Whoa, what happened?

Callen:
Kaleem's dead.

Nate:
How?

Callen:
Shot.

Sam:
Blown up.

Dom:
You guys are thorough.

Kensi:
So, Caldwell takes Amini out and sets up Flynn to take the fall. Then tortures his foster brother, Chad Ellis, to death.

Sam:
(to Nate) Shrinks have a term for someone like that, Doc?

Nate:
Yeah, really screwed up.

Vance:
Eric.

Eric:
Director.

Vance:
Congratulations on the milestone.

Eric:
Aw, thank you. (chuckles)

(Callen and Sam stare at Eric)

Eric:
Its Facebook, he's friend number five hundred. He was kinda honored.

Callen:
Hey Eric, why don't you make Hetty one of your Facebook friends?

Eric:
She's friend number 251, she writes me everyday. In Greek.

(Hetty walks up to the group with a shirt.)

Hetty:
What is this Mr. Callen?

Callen:
Uh, that is a knit combed cotton.

Hetty:
With a bloodstain.

Callen:
I would never bleed on your wardrobe, it had to be a bad guy.

Hetty:
Good, bad or ugly I don't care. The point is you neglected to tell me about it and now its set long enough so that it might be permanent.

Sam:
Hetty, it's just a shirt.

Hetty:
No, no, no, no, this is not just a shirt. This is a Saville Row one hundred percent polished Egyptian cotton hand stitched with pearl buttons. That thing you're wearing is just a shirt.

Sam:
Yeah, but it's a comfy shirt.

Hetty:
(to Callen) Your new color scheme is black.

Callen:
I can live with black.

Eric:
A few months ago he friended her. Uh, for you older guys thats the lingo for when someone asks you into their friends list.

Sam:
Whats the lingo for when someone smacks you with a flip flop?

Callen:
(About an origami figure Sam made.) Is that a frog?

Sam:
Its a swan.

Callen:
From where, Chernobyl?

(Entering a tattoo parlor)

Callen:
What was your first like?

Sam:
Talkin' tats, right?

Callen:
Yeah, talkin' tats.

Sam:
San Diego, 16, nervous as hell, didn't really know what to expect. Afterwards I just kinda felt like a man, y'know? I don't know how else to explain it.

(Sam licks his lips and smiles)

Callen:
We're talking tats, right?

Sam:
Yeah.

Callen:
(to Nate) So, you don't have squat.

Nate:
I'd say it's more of a broad spectrum of possibilities.

Sam:
Yeah, that's what they call squat.

Sam:
I guess they're still working on your office.

Nate:
Yup.

Sam:
Know when it's going to be ready?

Nate:
I don't know.

Sam:
Who knows?

Nate:
Hetty.

Sam:
You wanna ask her?

Nate:
You're armed, you ask her.

Sam:
You're the psychologist.

Nate:
Look, I've been trained to profile suspects and brief you guys on operations. And with three years of college, not to mention two more years to get my masters and doctorate and when it comes to Hetty ..... Clueless.

Callen:
He's a bureaucrat, Sam thinks I have a deep-seated suspicion of them.

Vance:
I'm a bureaucrat, Agent Callen.

Callen:
I don't have a deep-seated suspicion of you, uh, Director.

(Callen, Sam and Jimmy dive for cover behind a car as an assassin fires at them.)

Sam:
You want to peak your head over and take a look?

Callen:
I'm good.

Hetty:
And the duress word is...?

Dom:
Uh, uh.

Hetty:
He who hesitates... is lost, Dominic. In your line of work... dead.

Dom:
Uh, "shadows."

Hetty:
And with the utterance of that single word the cavalry will race to the rescue. Let's hope they don't get caught in traffic.

Dom:
Oh sh…. Oh.. Uh, guys, I think I lost a button.

Sam:
You lost a button?

Dom:
Camera button.

Nate:
Whoa, whoa, you lost Hetty's camera button?

Sam:
(shaking head) Where'd you lose it?

Dom:
If I knew then it wouldn't be lost.

Callen:
Well, it's gotta be around here somewhere.

Sam:
We've got to find that button.

Nate:
How could you lose Hetty's camera button, I mean…

Sam:
(pointing) Just look under there

(Callen, Sam, Nate and Dom begin looking around the scene.)

Dom:
Oh, nooo, Hetty's going to kill me.

(Callen and Sam are discussing Callen's living arrangements)

Callen:
I don't know, I… I think I like the boat idea better. I can just kinda sail off.

Sam:
Do you know how to sail?

Callen:
No.

Sam:
Well that could be a problem.

(Discussing Agent Giordano)

Callen:
I don't date law enforcement.

Sam:
I think you might want to make an exception this time.

Callen:
Sam, you know the rule, if they've got their own handcuffs, I'm out.

(Dom and Eric looking at busty woman on surveillance video)

Dom:
Whoa!

Eric:
Hel-lo!

Hetty:
If only your vocabularies could be augmented as much. (walks away)

Dom:
Busted.

Hetty:
Take her out to dinner. After the case is over.

Callen:
Agent Giordano?

Hetty:
Hmm and take Sam the next night, you know how he gets.

Vance:
Somebody's been watching you Agent Callen. I need to know why. Anything you might have forgotten to tell me about?

Callen:
Not that would explain this.

(Nate and Kensi are whispering in Hetty's office.)

Kensi:
Where does she get this stuff?

Nate:
None of it is redacted, not a single word.

Kensi:
What if she is the redactor?

Nate:
There is a scary thought. Hetty is the cleaning house for censored government documents cleared to the public.

Sam:
You got a plan?

Callen:
Yeah, How about we kick in his door and ask him why he is the only one of us that didn't get shot?

Sam:
I've used that one before. It's a very effective plan.

Kensi:
So how does a former KGB agent end up so wealthy, so fast?

Hetty:
Because he knows where the bodies are buried. (pauses) Most likely because he's the one who buried them.

Eric:
(calling down to the team) Hetty wants you upstairs. Oh and she said one point for whoever gets up here first.

(Sam, Callen and Renko all run up the stairs, once in the operations room Hetty's not there.)

Sam:
(to Eric) Are you punkin' us? Because you'd better not be.

(Hetty's on the speakerphone, briefing the team when Callen puts the phone on mute.)

Callen:
Anyone else thinks this is weird?

Eric:
Oh, yeah, we all think it's weird

Callen:
Just checkin'. (un-mutes phone)

Hetty:
Heard that Mr. Callen.

Vance:
(greeting Hetty) Welcome to DC, Henrietta.

Hetty:
Director Vance, door-to-door service, how out of character.

Vance:
Well people can change and I owe you one, big time.

Hetty:
You do, especially for forcing me to leave the children in charge.

Vance:
How much trouble can they get into in eight hours?

(Phone rings, Eric answers.)

Eric:
This is Eric.

Hetty:
It's good to hear you still know who you are.

Eric:
Ah, Hetty, you having a good time in Washington?

Hetty:
The last person to have a good time in Washington was General Jubal Early in 1864, he was attacking it at the time.

(Callen's fumbling for something as he is chained to a stove with Sam.)

Callen:
That bobby pin. I started wearing it in the 90s. I haven't used it since then.

Sam:
That's the most well trained display of standard operating procedure I've ever seen from you.

(To reach Callen inside the militia camp, Sam lets himself and Callen be captured.)

Callen:
You wanna explain yourself?

Sam:
Explain myself? I saved your skinny ass.

Callen:
Let's see, I had a gun and a hostage before you got here. Now I'm chained to a stove with a concussion, that's a nice save.

Sam:
Ten more seconds, you'd have a dozen new bullet holes in you.

Callen:
Now what?

Sam:
I was hoping you had some ideas.

Callen:
I'm thinking I want my gun and my hostage back.

Callen:
(looking at a teenage militia member) You've got to be kidding me. I'm being shot at by a Jonas Brother... And I think I'm about to meet the rest of the family.

Callen:
You know that was really stupid coming in to get me.

Sam:
You're calling me stupid? You wanted to "Butch Cassidy" me. You wanted to run for it.

Callen:
Yeah, it wasn't my best idea.

Sam:
You wanted to "Custer's last stand" me. You want to "Alamo" me.

Callen:
You going to put that in your little report, with color-coded tabs?

Sam:
Yeah, tabs marked "Dumb ass idea".

Callen:
Nice job, Special Agent Hanna.

Sam:
Aah, you said it. You feel good?

Callen:
Nah, it cheapens the work.

(Callen walks in, sees the office has been re-organized, stands and stares.)

Sam:
Morning, G. (Notices the office.) When did that happen?

Callen:
Don't know.

Kensi:
Morning, guys. (Notices the office.) Whoa, who did this?

Callen:
Don't know.

Kensi:
Where's our stuff?

Callen:
Don't know.

Sam:
Think it's safe to go in?

Callen:
Don't know.

(Discussing the office remodeling.)

Kensi:
Could be one of Nate's psych experiments.

Sam:
I'm not one of Nate's lab rats.

(Still discussing the office remodeling.)

Nate:
Organization and productivity are directly related. Cleanliness is next to…..um….efficiency.

Kensi:
So, you moved our stuff?

Nate:
I tried to stop her.

Callen:
Hetty. She's the only one... (Callen pauses as Hetty walks up.)

Hetty:
Continue, Mr. Callen, continue.

Callen:
...With the authority.

Hetty:
Ah..um.. Nate, if your comment that "They might be miffed" constitutes trying to stop me, I suggest you learn more forceful techniques of self-assertion. Not that I would have listened.

Vance:
I'm sending our top forensics specialist to assist you.

Sam:
But there are no forensics.

Vance:
Our forensic expert has a theory about this crime that's, shall we say original. Thinks McEllon is the victim of a serial killer. No other law enforcement agency in this country thinks this killer even exists. Can't say I do either.

Callen:
And you're sending this person why?

Vance:
I was ganged up on. (Vance signals for an end to the video conference.)

Callen:
Who gangs up on the director of a federal agency?

Hetty:
Oh, you'd be surprised Mr. Callen.

Abby:
So, I'm sure Leon has told you I know who killed McEllon.

Eric:
Wait, you call him Leon?

Abby:
You don't?

Eric:
Not successfully.

Abby:
Give it time.

Callen:
(sighing) I'm just curious, why you pressured Vance to send Abby.

Hetty:
He wasn't buying her "Phantom" theory. He needed goosing.

Callen:
So, you want us chasing "The Phantom"?

Hetty:
Mr. Callen is that what you think?

Callen:
I don't know. There's...There's been some meddling around here. And I'm a little fuzzy on the command chain.

Hetty:
This case lacks forensics. As your Operations Manager, I procured for you our best scientist to help you. You, as the head agent, are free to pursue whatever theory of crime makes the most sense. There's no fuzziness, Callen. You still shoot the ducks. I just row the boat.

(Callen and Sam are following a suspect.)

Callen:
Now is that a casual walk away or is that an 'I see two guys who may be law enforcement' walk away?

(Callen and Sam are discussing options of how to get into a building through the sky light.)

Callen:
Miami?

Sam:
No, Miami was half the height and we still got all busted up.

Callen:
One of us may land soft enough and get the shot.

Sam:
Yeah, if one of us is Peter Pan.

(Nate walks in wearing a suit and tie.)

Sam:
Oh. Mr. GQ, what's up with the big boy clothes?

Callen:
Huh, what, has somebody got a big date?

Nate:
No.

Sam:
Mommy in town for the holidays?

Nate:
No, thank goodness.

Callen:
Job interview?

Sam:
You're leaving us?

Kensi:
Uh, who, who's leaving us?

Callen:
Nate's got a job interview.

Kensi:
Where?

Nate:
Nowhere, I don't have a job interview. I just thought I would dress up today.

Callen:
Uh-huh, you backed into Hetty's Jag.

Sam:
Again.

Nate:
NO! And don't even kid about that.

Kensi:
God, I love men in suits.

Sam:
And uniforms.

Callen:
And costumes.

Kensi:
When did I date anybody who wore a costume?

Sam:
What about the pirate guy?

Callen:
Didn't he make you wear a milkmaid outfit?

Kensi:
That was for a Renaissance fair and I was a wench.

Callen:
So much better.

(Nate approaches Sam who is working on a bomb at his desk.)

Nate:
Wow, um... Shouldn't you be working on that somewhere a little more secure?

Sam:
Like where?

Nate:
Uh, I don't know a room with armor-plated walls comes to mind.

Sam:
Lights good in here.

Nate:
I will buy you a lamp.

Sam:
King said it was defused. He seemed to know what he was doing.

Nate:
The million dollar question is do you know what you're doing?

Callen:
(About Nate's tie) Full Windsor?

Nate:
Really? Again with the tie?

Callen:
I had you pegged more as a half Windsor kinda of guy.

Nate:
Is that supposed to have some sort of meaning?

Callen:
You're the Psychologist.

(Hetty gives Nate a new tie after he spilled something on his.)

Nate:
You think I could pull off a bow tie?

Hetty:
Not without a red rubber nose and those big floppy shoes.

Hetty:
(to Nate) You know in my experience if you're patient, sooner or later, the people who need to talk will seek you out; often under the guise of some other intention. You just have to listen.

(Callen, Sam and Kensi return after completing their mission.)

Kensi:
Looks like Hetty is still here.

Sam:
She worries.

Callen:
Not like she'd ever let us know.

Hetty:
I had some paperwork that needed to be completed before tomorrow, Mr. Callen; some of us take our paperwork seriously.

(Hetty is sharing how she came by the bottle of scotch the team is drinking.)

Hetty:
That's what Oliver Reed thought when he tried to make me his special musketeer one night. But he kept his sword in his scabbard and I kept the scotch.

Kensi:
(Laughs) Looks like you also started without us Hetty!

Hetty:
What did you do to your tie?

Nate:
Oh, I, uh, spilled something on it.

Hetty:
Ah.

Nate:
Yeah. Should I get it dry cleaned?

Hetty:
Well, that's an option.

Nate:
Soda water?

Hetty:
Well, I'd recommend donation or incineration, not in that order.

Nate:
You don't like this tie, it was a gift.

Hetty:
Obviously not from a loved one.

(Callen walks into Hetty's office.)

Hetty:
I already sent the others upstairs.

Callen:
Good morning, Hetty.

Hetty:
Well that's a matter of perspective, Mr. Callen. Uh, I've been doing some accounting and I came a crossed anomaly in your expenses. This is a fourteen hundred dollar restaurant bill from Matsukisa.

Callen:
Um-hmm, that's from the Miygomi case.

Hetty:
You mean it's not a mistake? You actually spent fourteen hundred dollars on raw fish!

Callen:
Not me, my alias Tony Z did.

Hetty:
Ah, ah, ah and is Tony Z going to reimburse me?

Callen:
Well, you'll have to ask him.

Hetty:
Uh-huh

Callen:
Hetty, when I go undercover as a beach bum, I eat off the Kogi truck. When I'm going after a high roller, I've got to hit it a little harder.

Hetty:
Try ordering soup, player.

(The team opens a refrigerator and a body falls out.)

Sam:
Well, he's clearly past his expiration date.

(Hetty has just told the team that they have to back off the case-immediately.)

Callen:
We're putting together a good case here, a big one.

Sam:
Hetty, Zafari's up to something, we can't stop now.

Hetty:
This is coming from "on high". When I say "on high", I mean those with the political venom to end the careers of each and every one of us, including Director Vance.

Kensi:
I can't believe this, all we need is a little more time.

Hetty:
I know, I know. If I may slip into the vernacular, "It Sucks". But when you hear from again in an hour or so, you will shut this down.

(The team is discussing possible activities for their group outing)

Dom:
How about Disneyland?

Kensi:
I hate Disneyland.

(Sam walks in.)

Callen:
Kensi hates Disneyland.

Sam:
The happiest place on earth.

Kensi:
I have issues with grown men in furry costumes.

(Nate walks in.)

Sam:
Unless it's Thursday night?

Nate:
What are we talking about?

Dom:
Quality time with the team.

Callen:
Apparently it's been too long since we hung out unless there's a corpse involved.

(The team is discussing possible activities for their group outing.)

Kensi:
Cowboy bar on Sunset?

Callen:
With the mechanical bull?

Kensi:
Yeah!

Callen:
No! Hetty plus mechanical bull plus tequila shots equals bar fight. Trust me I've been there.

(Discussing possible activities for the team outing)

Nate:
Bowling, it's great competition, builds camaraderie and you get to wear those funny shoes.

Sam & Callen:
(Unison) No bowling!

Nate:
Okay, what about the cowboy bar on Sunset?

(Hetty walks in)

Hetty:
Oh, that sounds like fun.

Sam:
There's a mechanical bull, Hetty.

Hetty:
Oh, no, never mind.

Callen:
Dom? Is that a doll?

Dom:
Uh-huh no, it's a one of only five hundred Alpha Centauri Imperial Class Guardians Bobble-heads in the entire world. This is not a doll.

Callen:
You're playing with an alien doll? At work?

(Kensi hands Ty the camera from Dom's car.)

Kensi:
Ty, could you look at this?

Ty:
Aw, poor little fellow. Who'd want to shoot you?

Kensi:
You talk to your computer parts?

Ty:
Do you talk to your plants when you water 'em?

Kensi:
Just my orchids, but they can be tricky.

Callen (To Hettie):
Sam Sees the glass as half full. I see it as half empty; that's why we make a good team. Kensi on the other hand just drinks right out of the bottle, Nate wonders why it has to be glass, and Eric usually breaks the glass by putting his feet up on the table.

Callen:
Sam doesn't play well with others and he doesn't like to share his toys.

(Sam and Callen enter the office and see a box with a snake on the desk.)

Sam:
Whoa, not cool.

Callen:
Definitely not cool.

Sam:
You want me to handle this?

Callen:
Knock yourself out.

Sam:
(Examines the box)It's stuffed, it's a king cobra, and its venom could kill a grown man inside fifteen minutes.

Callen:
I thought those things were bigger.

Sam:
Yeah, not so big until he stretches out and locks on to your butt.

Callen:
You really have a GSA class six safe in your den?

Sam:
Told you, I have to keep my valuables safe.

Callen:
What valuables?

Sam:
(laughs) I have a mint condition Patrick Ewing rookie card, a football signed by the 1986 New York Giants and the entire run of the Silver Surfer comic book series. Plus, a couple of tickets for the Lakers-Nicks tomorrow night. And they're both spoken for.

Callen:
What else?

Sam:
What do you mean, what else? Why does there have to be a what else?

Callen:
Because that was way too easy. (Sam laughs) And because that is your 'I'm hiding something' laugh.

Sam:
There is nothing else.

Callen:
There is definitely something else.

Sam:
(pulling up in front of a suspect's house) We're here.

Callen:
That can't be it.

Sam:
Conversation's over.

Callen:
Is this a Navy Seals thing?

Sam:
I'll show you a Navy Seals thing. (They get out of the car)

Callen:
I'm waiting.

Sam:
I have a Michael Jackson glove, from the Bad tour in '87. He threw it out in the front row of the Madison Square Garden show.

Callen:
One of those white gloves?

Sam:
He was the King of Pop, G.

Callen:
Yeah. With the sequins?

Sam:
The King of Pop.

Callen:
Why was it just one glove and not two?

Sam:
If you have to ask, you just don't get it.

(Eric is discussing the planned bank heist)

Sam:
Then why pay a heist crew? Why not hire a hacker?

Eric:
Because banks have unique security protocols for funds frozen by the FBI. You have to have physical access to the actual terminal to move the money.

Callen:
But that's never stopped you before.

Eric:
Well, most hackers don't have access to the toys that I do. I can make us all very wealthy in about two minutes. (Sam & Callen stare at him) I mean if you wanted me to. (They keep staring) Not that you would want me to, not that I would want to. I'm just saying...you know.

(The team discusses using Kensi to flirt with the bank's inside man)

Kensi:
Am I the only one who wonders why there's a suspect in every case who happens to be a bachelor?

Nate:
Well, seeing as how criminals tend to be male with anti-social proclivities…

Kensi:
And also wonders why that always seems to be the vector that we go after first?

Hetty:
The lowest hanging fruit is the easiest to pick, Agent Blye.

Sam:
You don't have a TV, you don't read the newspaper, you clearly don't spend any time getting ready.

Callen:
Maybe I was working out.

Sam:
Huh, you don't work out.

Callen:
I run.

Sam:
Yeah, when people are shooting at us!

Callen:
You know what? I slept in.

Sam:
With who? You barely sleep.

Callen:
There's nobody.

Sam:
Come on, I think it would be great for you to be in a relationship.

Callen:
Sam, how many times do we have this conversation- you're my partner not my mother.

Sam:
(makes a womans voice) I just want you to be happy and find a good girl.

Sam:
What are the chances this isn't a suicide?

Eric:
I'd say about zero percent.

Callen:
What do you know that we don't?

Eric:
Mmmmm.. The words to every TV theme song?

Eric:
I'm a firm believer that what you drive reflects who you are.

Sam:
[chuckles] Exactly.

Eric:
Whatever.

Sam:
[looking at Callen] The way you drive.

Nate:
What Admin Division is encrypted?

Kensi:
The ones used to cover something confidential.

Sam:
Take Kensi.

[Everyone looks at Sam]

Sam:
Yeah, you heard me. I know you're taking PCH. I'm not sitting in traffic. So, I'll find everything I can about Yeoman Rush. You two suck exhaust for the next two hours.

Callen:
Suit yourself. Come on Kens. Hey, what do you say we, uh, stop for donuts?

Kensi:
I love donuts.

Sam:
You didn't say anything about donuts!

Allison Pritchett:
Street racing's a growing problem. These kids spend more than the car's worth making them go fast. And for what?

Kensi:
[looking at Allison's purse] Same reason some people spend their mortgage payment on their purse, I guess.

Callen:
I was chasing a suspect!

Hetty:
Ah.

Sam:
[looking at the picture] No. That was - that was our day off. You were late picking me up for a King's game.

[to Callen]

Sam:
No donut, no love.

Mr. Loobertz:
We put the "cool" in school.

Callen:
Wouldn't that be "chool"?

Mr. Loobertz:
The "h" is silent.

Callen:
[quietly to himself] I'm in Ell.

Sam:
You gotta admire their spirit. One tragedy after another, and they just keep moving on.

Kensi:
You have to otherwise, it eats you alive.

Kensi:
Give me a wrench.

[Nate hands her a wrench.]

Kensi:
Whoa! Easy there, cowboy! This baby's suffered enough.

Nate:
Sorry, didn't know you cared so much.

Kensi:
Well, what can I say? Grease is my favorite perfume.

Sam:
It's just traffic school, how hard can that be?

Callen:
Remember those Libyans that took us off their troller?

Sam:
Really?

Callen:
The Libyans don't sing.

Sam:
There's singing?

Callen:
And puppets.

Allison Pritchett:
Tokan was James' idea. None of the guys would race a woman. You know guys and their egos.

Omar Alvarez:
Hey, what about me, huh? I-I got radiation poisoning. Come - come on. I-I need medical attention.

Sam:
Hey, hey, hey. I'm gonna give you two of these, okay?

[Drops two pills in Omar's mouth.]

Sam:
Better?

Omar Alvarez:
Hey man! Those were breath mints!

Sam:
Never underestimate the importance of good oral hygiene.

Callen:
We're only going to get one chance at this.

Hetty:
[enters] Then let's not screw it up. Having said that, I've made some adjustments to the Challenger.

Sam:
"My" Challenger?

Hetty:
It may be your car, Sam. But Uncle Sam pays the gas.

Callen:
[after hearing about modifications made to Sam's car.] My car?

Hetty:
From what we've seen, Mr. Callen. You don't seem to need any help.

Callen:
I figured.

Nick Stringer:
[referring to Sam's car.] What the hell do you have in that thing, dude?

Sam:
So high above your pay grade, you wouldn't recognize the view. How was your flight? Turn over. Turn over!

Hetty:
I hope you guys are better liars out on the street.

Callen:
Hetty, I'm offended.

Hetty:
Tough. I've removed the Supercharger from the Challenger.

Sam:
Why would you do that?

Hetty:
Oh geeze, I wonder.

(Sam and Callen enter the office, Sam finds a Chinese spear and begins playing with it.)

Callen:
Do I have to remind you of the nunchuk incident? You get hurt; you're driving yourself to the ER. That's all I'm saying.

Hetty:
Go with God, Mister Callen or whoever it is who watches over you.

Callen:
I have a guardian angel. She's tiny, but very tough.

Callen:
You wanna be briefed on this?

Hetty:
I don't know. Do I?

Callen:
I can run it by Director Vance, if you prefer.

Hetty:
Oh Lord, no. One of the reasons I'm here is to protect him as a designated fall guy. 'I had no previous knowledge of the operation, Mister Secretary. That mad woman went off her rocker and acted autonomously.'

Callen:
You're the first line of defense?

Hetty:
Yeah, you gotta get by me first.

(Eric blows a whistle from the balcony to the rest of the team)

Eric:
All hands on deck

Callen:
(to Hetty) You gave him a whistle?

Hetty:
Oh, do I look as if I have gone daft? I'd sooner give a chain saw to a spider monkey. At least I took his Segway away. I'll speak to Mr. Beale.

Sam:
Sooner than later, okay. Because the next time he toots that thing, he won't be using his lips.

(Hetty asks Deeks to be the liaison between NCIS and LAPD and hands him a file)

Deeks:
Hmm...Who are you guys?...I mean…I mean...H-how did you get all this information?..I mean the only thing missing here is….. :(She hands him a pen)

Hetty:
No need to date it.

Deeks:
I'm gonna call you Fern, okay?

Kensi:
Don't you DARE call me Fern!

Deeks:
Fern! Baby girl!

(Eric is frustrated trying to get information from a wet computer)

Hetty:
You know I despise your wardrobe, particularly those flip-flops, not to mention you surfboard leaning preciously close to my car. The sand you track into the OPS center or the millions of dollars of top-secret technology you use to play your frivolous video games.

Eric:
I only left my surfboard near you car once… twice. I don't do it anymore.

Hetty:
But I tolerate it all, for the most part. And, do you know why, Mr. Beale?

Eric:
My playful kitten-like personality? I-I don't know why I just said that. I make jokes when I'm nervous… using humor as a defense mechanism. It's a bad habit. I don't even know why I'm still talking.

Hetty:
I tolerate it because you are unequalled at what you do. I am the way I am because I demand the best. This is an elite unit whose unparalleled success rests on the superior skills of those who work here. And that's why I know if anyone can fix this, it is you.

Callen:
You okay?

Eric:
I'm not comfortable with authority figures. It's why I do what I do, computers don't talk back. Well, I mean technically they can, but even then I can manipulate the voice to make it soothing, if you want. Sexy, even.

Callen:
Too much information!

Callen:
Agents Callen and Hanna, NCIS.

Major Medina:
Major Rick Medina, Army CID out of Washington. I just got an earful from my boss, who got an earful from your boss. Meaning I'm already prone not to like you guys.

Sam:
I'm not feeling a lot of love for you right now either.

Nate:
What's Callen going to do now?

Hetty:
What he does best. Become a ghost.

Sam:
Um, so we can't find him?

Hetty:
Not until he's ready to be found.

Hetty:
Oh, Mr. Callen, is this your third cell phone of the day?

Callen:
I'm keeping receipts.

Callen:
What happened to protocol?

Hetty:
It went out the proverbial damn window. I've been thinking a great deal about your situation. Nate has misgivings about your state of mind.

Callen:
Well, he's going to have to get in line.

Hetty:
During this crisis, he thought he should have a gun.

Callen:
You didn't?

Hetty:
Perish the thought.

Callen:
Eric, I need you to bring our servers back online. I want you to re-activate the computer virus that Keelson introduced to our system.

Eric:
Are you serious?

Callen:
Very.

Eric:
You're asking me to commit technological malpractice.

Kort:
I'm rather fond of Los Angeles, (Looks at Kensi) Maybe I'll put in for a transfer.

Sam:
I hope not.

Sam:
Operators are made, they're not born, G. Skills can be taught.

[...]

Sam:
Teachers learn to be teachers, cops learn to be cops.

Callen:
Mm-hmm. And somebody taught LeBron how to dunk from the free-throw line.

Sam:
SEALs learn to be SEALs, G.

Callen:
Oh, that's right. You couldn't swim when you enlisted, could you? How long did they let you wear the floaties? Look, I will take a lazy natural operator over an all-night studier any day of the week.

Sam:
[sarcastic] It's too late, I already did it.

Callen:
Mm-hm.

Hetty:
Nature versus nurture, quite the conundrum.

Callen:
You cannot use the word "conundrum" before 9:30, Hetty.

Hetty:
9:31, which means, Mr. Callen, you're late.

Sam:
So, do you think Hetty was born or made?

Callen:
Hatched.

Hetty:
That phone call is for you, Mr. Callen. Director Vance. [Phone rings]

Callen:
Callen. Yes, director. Standby. [hangs up] How does she do that?

Sam:
I don't know, but that's the worst tea I've ever had in my entire life.

Callen:
He hasn't been around long enough to make enemies, Sam.

Sam:
So what are you saying? It was random?

Callen:
Maybe. I mean, bad things happen in this town.

Sam:
Wrong place, wrong time? Come on, G!

Callen:
He's a kid. Driving down an alley in a bad part of town. It's as good as anything else we got.

Sam:
Which is a lot of nothing! You know as well as I do, no one gets snatched for nothing.

Callen:
Besides, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Nate:
Oh, I don't know. Let's see. Sam gets made. They kill him. Then you, Kensi and the others storm the place and the Dutchman releases the toxin killing all of you and half of Los Angeles.

Callen and Sam:
Which half?

Nate:
I'm going to go brief the Director.

[Hetty walks in on an injured Callen and Sam]

Hetty:
I see that the ice and aspirin club is at it again. Every time I come here, I feel like I've stepped into a damn Hardy Boys novel. I gather that you couldn't talk your way out of this one?

Callen:
Yeah, we had a little bit of a language barrier.

Sam:
And a 'I want you dead' barrier.

[Deeks is undercover for the LAPD and Kensi for the NCIS but they don't know the real identity of the other.]

Kensi:
I emailed him some photos, private photos.

Deeks:
You mean like the two of you watching the sunset at Santa Monica Pier or the kind where you're not wearing anything but a smile?

Kensi:
Certain kind of person finds photos like that, they end up on the Internet.

Deeks:
Wow. So definitely, uh, x-rated then, huh? Nobody under 17 admitted? Well played.

Hetty:
$50,000 limit. However, if more than $5000 is charged to this card, I will come for you with my letter opener. Is that clear, Mr. Deeks?

Deeks:
Got it. Wait, what? You want me to sign this? Cause it's Cal - it's Callen's card.

Hetty:
And you're the guarantor.

Callen:
I'm supposed to look like I can spend 50 and you're on the hook after five?

Deeks:
She threatened me with a letter opener!

Callen:
I guess some people gotta learn the hard way.

Deeks:
Why? What are you-?

Callen:
[Loudly to a waitress] We'll take two more bottles.

Deeks:
Oh, come on. What? You got some sort of Superman double back flip where you can dodge bullets? I mean you can't tell me I shouldn't have taken that shot.

Callen:
No. I'm glad you did.

Callen:
Eric, let me talk to Vance.

Vance:
Vance.

Callen:
Has Army CID been briefed on this op?

Vance:
In the interests of joint operational intelligence, yes, they have. I told Major Medina that Keshwar was being held on a Turkish ship.

Callen:
Well, he beat us to it. Medina just took Keshwar into custody.

Vance:
Callen, I didn't say which ship. Medina never gave me the chance. He hung up before I could tell him.

Eric:
This is traffic cam footage pulled from that intersection approximately 15 minutes ago.

Kensi:
I'll call Deeks. Make sure LAPD knows we'll be handling this discreetly.

Sam:
Eric, pull up everything you've got about this guy.

Eric:
According to initial reports, the dead man's name was Michael St. Paris. No criminal record. Employed by North Gate Elite Security. They're a private investigation firm specialising in surveillance work.

Sam:
He was running a tail. G caught him, so St. Paris bolted. I'll call North Gate and see who hired him.

Eric:
Callen left the crash scene almost immediately. He must have stuck to blind spots and moved fast because no cameras got him. Also, his phone went dead right after he sent that alert to Hetty. Off the grid.

Kensi:
Could this have anything to do with Agent Macy's murder in Annapolis?

Hetty:
No. It's unrelated.

Nate:
What's Callen going to do now?

Hetty:
What he does best. Become a ghost.

Sam:
Um, so we can't find him?

Hetty:
Not until he's ready to be found.

Callen:
[Seeing a box with his name on it] See if they've got one on you, or Hetty.

Sam:
[Long pause as Sam searches] Nothing on me. Two boxes on Hetty.

Hetty:
[after sharpening her pencil] I much prefer a good HB to a Bic. Press firmly enough and people don't have to read between the lines to get the message. The answer is no, Mr. Callen.

Callen:
Hetty, you don't even know what the question is.

Hetty:
It's no to all of them. Is there any mention of this in your classified file? No. Was I aware you had a relative? No. Am I surprised? No. Should you stay on this case? Definitely, no.

Hetty:
The agent's name is Trent Kort... Sam and Kensi, boathouse in half an hour. [Hetty leaves]

Sam:
[to Callen] She knows. You can't go. [Callen sighs, then starts to leave] Where you goin'?

Callen:
Shoot someone.